I turned to Wiz with a confused expression.

"Poison Rain? W-what is that? Like acid rain or something?"

"No, it's far worse," She frowned darkly, a grim tone in her voice which did not help with my underlying anxiety. "Everyone, I recommend you all evacuate the town while you still can. I'll try and talk some sense into him, but I'll hold him off for as long as possible if I have too..."

We all recoiled slightly at that, not sure how serious she was or perhaps just not digesting her words properly.

"W-wait a minute!" Aqua blurted out before Wiz could make it out through the door. "What's happening?! What's going on in my precious town?!"

Wiz turned back with a small sigh and a large frown, "Something horrible, Lady Aqua. I'm sorry I even have to say this, but even if we save all the inhabitants, this town's likely about to be wiped off the map very soon."

Oh shit, really? That's…that's, uh…wait, should I be distraught or ecstatic about this? I mean, I'm not super into random people just dying – but hey! No more "Arkansas" or whatever! Score!

Aqua wasn't having any of it though. "What do you – HEY, WAIT!" She shouted as Wiz ran out the door, the goddess scrambling to follow her. "WIZ! COME BACK HERE AND TELL ME WHat's happening you li…"

And that was about all we could make out as Aqua ran out into the hallway and out of earshot.

There was only silence among the ones left behind. I doubt any of us still knew what the hell was even going on. I know I didn't!

A rumble of thunder shook us out of it, with Megumin being the first to break the silence. "What did Wiz mean? Should we really evacuate the town? What's gonna happen to it?"

"Beats me. But maaaaybe I should have Alexis rev up the car in case we need to- -" I paused in horror as it hit me. "Oh crap – ALEXIS! She's still outside! Her body isn't made out of adamantite, who knows what that gunk will do to her metal and joints! We gotta do something!"

The other two agreed with me and we quickly headed downstairs to the lobby. A lobby, mind you, with a strangely missing receptionist, adding to the growing fears in our chests. Assuming that our missing party members had already left the building by now, we made our way to the front door.

As soon as my foot made it outside, the world rushed backwards past my eyes. I quickly found myself back inside and landing on my ass after registering that Darkness had screamed, "JACK WATCH OUT!"

"Ow…" I groaned while I lay crumpled on the floor. I pushed my limbs back to a sitting position to chew out my companion. "Hey! What was that for!? I don't deserve this – oh."

My complaints cut themselves off when I followed her gaze to the big purple lump pulsing at the door I had just been exiting from. It was large, leaking a gross purple gas, and it seemed to be eating the welcome mat…as well as the brick floor around it. The particles entering its horrible body and melting away as if it was actually chewing the very ground it sat on.

Suddenly, I was warped back to my house surrounded by a pile of horror movies. I was young, naïve, and cowering under the blankets as I watched a similar entity gruesomely dissolve a man on the TV. I had to double-check the air vents for weeks just to make sure that horrible thing wasn't secretly leaking up out of them to eat me as well.

When I came back to it, I blinked before pointing at the purple mass with a shaky finger.

"IT'S THE BLOB!"

"Eh? Yeah, no duh it's a blob," Megumin blinked at me, not sure what I was screaming about. "What about it?"

"No! Not a blob! The Blob! That horrible biomass consumes everything in its path! It just eats and eats and is never satisfied!" I stressed while digging my hands into my face out of fear. "Oh, why hasn't this world invented fire extinguishers yet?!"

Darkness was mostly ignoring me, instead focusing on the creature in the door. "Hmm, you call it a blob? Must be a regional dialect. Here we just call those slimes."

I huffed at her disregard towards my feelings (again). "You guys just haven't seen it like I have! If you'd watched the movie, you'd be running for the hills right about now!"

"Which Star Wars was it in again?" Megumin asked.

"...there are more movies than just Star Wars you know."

"EXCUSE ME?! Why haven't you shown us yet?! How many are there?! Like twelve?!"

"Hundreds of thousands! All varying in quality and genre!"

As I frustratingly explained to the flabbergasted mage that there were more films beyond Star Wars, my CameraBot set down his camera and extended his mechanical claws out.

"Stand back, sir! I've got this!"

Spielberg went to strike at it, but it was no use. His right claw was slowly being enveloped in the Blob's putrid body. Why didn't I just outfit him with a plasma gun…?

An auto-tuned, "Uh-oh," escaped from the bot's vocabulator, just like the security Battle Droids from Phantom Menace (great, now Megumin's got me thinking about Star Wars). He swiveled his head around to face us. While the girls couldn't tell from his expressionless faceplate, I could see the worry in his photoreceptors.

"Um…a little help here, guys!?"

"I got you!" I said while grabbing his other claw. "On three. One, two – WOAH!" The two of us lurched downwards as the awful amoeba pulled us further in. Spielberg was wailing in fear and simulated pain, I needed to do something and fast! "Spielberg! Run command: Arm_Removal_R!"

With a single pang from his circuitry, the right arm came cleanly off while the two of us fell back to the floor. "Thank you, sir!" He cried while giving me a one-armed hug. "I thought I was a goner!"

"We're not out of the woods yet!" I said with a voice-crack as the blob moved in on us. We were yanked behind by Darkness along with Megumin as the knight took a defensive stance at the creature. And by defensive stance, I of course mean she stood with her arms wide open like she were about to receive a hug. I didn't know how much good that would do us, so I had to think of something quick.

"Create Water!"

I aimed my hand at the floor near the blob as I doused it with a small jet of water. If this world wasn't going to invent fire extinguishers, then I was just going to have to improvise!

"Freeze!"

With the help of the recently wet floor, the ice magic was quick to freeze the affected area surrounding the blob. The purple mass jumped when its pseudopods made contact with the cold and it retreated back from whence it came, in this case back out the doorway. I let out a huge sigh of relief after that. We were still trapped but the danger wasn't as imminent.

"Thank you for saving us from the deadly monster, Jack…" Darkness pouted heavily, slumping her shoulders with clearly depressed vibes.

"Get some help," I muttered as Spielberg helped me up despite missing an arm (what a trooper that bot was). "Besides, we're not outside yet. Still plenty of time for you to be eaten by it."

Darkness perked up at that, which somehow made me depressed. But I shook it off to deal with the task at hand. The slime was still making its way through the bricks and stone, chewing on Spielberg's arm with gusto. "Alright, what worked once should hopefully work a second time! Create Water! Freeze!"

My combo attack was this time aimed to encapsulate the creature. Covering it from head(?) to toe(?) in water before freezing it dead in its tracks. "There! Now you're just a stupid Blobsicle! Dark, you know what to do!"

"On it!" She agreed, reaching down around the ice and lifting it with her incredible strength. "Oohh~! It's seeping through the ice~! It's stinging me! Melting my clllootthheesss!"

"Then throw it already! Or just pick it up from Spielberg's arm; I can see it poking out a little!"

"NO! I must do This for my friends!" She barked. Almost looking like she was hugging the purple ice ball tighter. "I WILL ENDURE ANY NUMBER OF PAINS AND EMBARRASSMENTS-!"

THWACK!

"Oh~!" She blurted out, releasing the ice ball onto the pavement. The horrible blob shattered into hundreds of ice chunks across the floor, never to be seen again. But Darkness was far too occupied to notice. "D-Did you just whack my rear end with your staff, Megumin?!"

"Dark, you're one of my best friends, but now is not the time for that," Megumin deadpanned as I went about reattaching Spielberg's now sticky right arm, albeit with some reluctance from the bot. "You and I both know that was the only way to get you to drop it, don't lie."

The flustered woman sputtered helplessly under the expressionless gaze of the Crimson Demon before eventually slumping her shoulders in defeat and resignation.

"You're right…"

"I know I'm right," She nodded, "And no, I won't hit you again."

"I WASN'T-!"

"Alright! We did it, gang!" I cut in with proud slaps on both of their backs. But I made sure not to do it too hard to avoid getting one of them excited. "Blob-slime-thing-whatever defeated! Let's go get the others and leave this dump before they can throw us a parade!"

The other two nodded in agreement at the horrid idea of being praised by these maniacs. But before we could make our next move…

We heard a noise.

SPLAT!

And then we heard another noise.

SPLAT! SPLAT!

And then we heard a lot more noises, from all corners of the town, from every direction, increasing in tempo and pitch.

None of us wanted to turn around. Fear in our eyes begging the other to look first.

After a mental battle, we all decided to turn around together. And then the not-good-very-bad sounds got very-bad-almost-horrifying visuals to go along with it.

Thousands of slimes. Purple tumors all scattered around the town. Melting. Chewing. Destroying this hot spring paradise one splat at a time.

"Yup," I murmured fearfully. "Gonna need another bath after this…"

The sound of a car horn shook us out of our little trance as we saw our limo driving through hordes of the slimeballs, spatting them into littler slimeballs before swerving right next to us. The window on the driver's seat rolled down and, lo and behold, our sadistic savior was here!

"Sir, I recommend a full retreat!" Alexis ordered while rolling down the window. "The windshield wipers are down, and you don't want to hear the status of the martini umbrellas!"

"Not the umbrellas!" I cried, slamming my fist into the car roof. "They will be avenged! After a full retreat back home. Who's with me!?"

Before either girl could respond, a new voice entered the ring. "Um, excuse me!" Called out a civilian, some middle-aged woman with her cart and donkey currently hiding in an alleyway and looking very worried. "Do you know what's happening? This purple stuff already ate all my fruit!"

"Jack, we can't leave," Darkness said while putting on her holier-than-thou voice. "These people need our help for a full evacuation. This strange weather- -"

"Oh, zip it. You just want it to melt your clothes down so you can run around naked," I grumbled, brushing her off and entering the car. "Now c'mon! Let's go already!"

I was halfway into the cabin when I looked back at Darkness. She hadn't moved an inch. She just stood there, fists trembling as she gave me the kind of angry/disappointed stare that just harpoons your heart. It was the Mobile Fortress Destroyer all over again. I sighed heavily.

"You're not leaving until this mess gets resolved, are you?"

"I had hoped you'd know me better than that by now."

Ouch…okay, I'll give the "M" this "W". There was no coming back from that one.

With a deep frown, I snapped my fingers at the woman. "You. Get in the car. Now."

"W-what's a car?" She asked, but my angry point made her realize quickly what I meant. "But what about my donk-"

"The donkey can get in too just MOVE IT!"

Thankfully, I'd added a set of doors that could slide wide enough to let an animal on board just in case. The rear of the vehicle was now completely full of ass while the owner sat up front with Alexis.

"Get her out of here then come back to get more," I ordered unenthusiastically. Alexis was kind enough not to give me flak and quickly followed instructions as my one escape route vanished down the street.

With a mournful sigh, I turned back to the now proudly beaming Darkness. At least that got me back into her good graces somewhat.

"Not. A. Word. That was two down, now we have a whole city to save. UGH, I cannot believe I just said that..."

"Not to worry, sir! I caught the whole thing on camera!" Spielberg beeped cheerfully.

"You take that section of the reel and burn it, mister!"

"Alright, enough tomfoolery you three," Darkness said, reverting back into serious knight mode. "Let's reconvene with Aqua and Wiz! Move out!"

"What? Hey – WAIT!" I called out fruitlessly as the damn meathead dashed out into the sizzling rain with all those hideous blobs running amok. Groaning, I activated my HeliBot to catch up to her with Megumin and Spielberg trailing behind.

The slimy rain burned. Like when you accidentally touch the stove while it's still hot. I kept chanting, "Ow-Ow-Ow!" repeatedly to myself until I eventually caught up with the blonde idiot and yanked her by the ponytail inside an abandoned café for cover. She yelped in her usual pain-loving passion which I pointedly ignored for the time being as I ushered in for the lagging duo to hurry it up inside. Once we all took shelter, I angrily turned to Darkness.

"You dumbass, we can't just go out there all willy-nilly like you can! Some of us have very sensitive skin here! We don't even know where the others are for badness' sake!"

"Fine!" She retorted, fixing the mess I'd made of her hair briefly. "Just stay behind me and I'll protect you!"

"It's RAIN, Darkness!" Megumin yelled, "It's coming from the SKY! We could only stay behind you if we lifted you over our heads and used you as an umbrella!"

"I'd be fine with that!"

"WE KNOW!" The two of us yelled in exasperation.

But, weirdly enough, as Megumin rolled her head back and forth in shame, I actually considered the idea…

"Holy Moly, Dark! You're so dang heavy!"

"Shut up! I am not!" Our "umbrella" growled, changing her tune on the dime to her usual coos. "Now let us go! I want to be bombarded by slime while my teammates cower underneath me!"

"Uh, sir? Not to cast doubt on your tactics, but are you sure this is a good idea?" Spielberg asked carefully as the three of us hefted Darkness over our heads and jogged through the city while steering clear of blob monsters.

"Yeah, we stay relatively dry while she gets burned by the slime rain. Win-win," I huffed as I tried not to think about the dangerous possibility that Darkness could get "wet" while we were carrying her. Banish those horny thoughts, Spicer, banish them!

"It's not a win for me!" Whined Megumin, somehow the most uncomfortable with this situation, "I'm sorry, Darkness!"

"It's okay, Megumin! I want to protect you!"

We continued on through the city, dodging as many ground slime monsters as we could. The town was looking worse for wear now, and there were plenty of civilians who'd taken the initiative to get themselves out of dodge and not wait around for some flying vehicle to come save them. Ingrates.

The problem at the moment? We had no idea where the fuck we were going. We were just wandering around the destroyed streets hoping to run into Wiz, Aqua, or whatever was causing this rain. Not exactly a good reason for me to be leading the charge…

"Man, I should've made wrist communicators for all of us, then we wouldn't be in this mess!" I ended up whining out of frustration.

"Let's find another building to take shelter in so we can get our bearings," Megumin grunted, the little mage losing her strength faster than me. "We'll just get ourselves lost running around aimlessly!"

"I'm inclined to agree with her!" admitted Spielberg somewhat regrettably. "We can't afford any more close calls with these slimes! Not only that, but I think the servos and joints in my right arm suffered corrosion damage! I can feel it starting to give under this weight!"

"I AM NOT HEAVY, DAMN YOU!" Darkness cried into her hands.

I hissed in reluctant agreement as I could feel my own arms getting tired. We ducked into what might've been somebody's home and locked the door. As soon as we were in, we dropped Darkness with an unceremonious thud and just let her pant it all out of her system. I crashed on the couch.

"This…is why…I prefer…staying indoors…" I huffed in exhaustion.

Megumin was a little less relaxed, crouching in the doorway to catch her breath as the world grew in purple hue behind the window blinds. "I hope Wiz and Aqua are okay out there…"

Darkness sat up and leaned on the patch of wall next to the door, resting a sympathetic hand on the young girl's shoulder. "They're both strong. I'm sure they'll keep each other safe." She smiled, Megumin nodding slightly and smiling bravely back at her.

I blew air past my lips, "Yeah, they're strong alright. But for once, why can't they just be louder!? I swear, when we see them, I'm gonna – WOAH!"

It seemed I'd landed on my face after being ejected from the couch. Said couch was now landing on the back of my head and pinning me against the floor. If this day couldn't get any stranger, I was now being beaten in wrestling by furniture.

"Who are you people?!" Came a voice which I could only assume was the couch. Itself. "Why are you in my home?!"

"Woah! Sorry!" Darkness jumped up, putting her hands up in a non-threatening motion to the couch. "Please, ma'am, we just wanted shelter from the… you know…" She gestured to the outside purple problem.

"Dark! Don't try and reason with it! This couch is an evil mimic probably!"

Surprisingly, it worked. The weight of the evil furniture became light enough for me to scramble to my feet…only to be greeted by yet another blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman and not some murderous seat.

She was garbed in blue robes with a nun-like hood that had the Axis crest atop it, so that could only mean this was a local priestess of some sort. She put her hands to her hips and glared at me with the most sad excuse for an evil stink eye I had yet to see. I gladly returned the favor tenfold.

"Well, that was a fine how-do-you-do!" I said sarcastically to the idiot devotee. "Is that any way to treat your future global dictators coming in from the death rain? We're guests, show a little hospitality, sister."

"Death rain? How utterly pathetic," She scoffed back. "You clearly don't have the blessings of our pure and noble goddess, Aqua-sama! If you did then no liquid in all the lands could stop you!"

"Oh great. Another Axis moron. Guess I shouldn't be surprised in this town. Anybody got a spray bottle?"

"Jack!" Dark hissed, "Be nice. This is her house we're barging into. And use your spray bottles on me." I rolled my eyes at that but she put on nice mode to chat with the newest pain in the neck. "Sorry about our friend, Miss…?"

"Cecily: humble priestess of the Axis church!" She announced brightly.

I couldn't help but mutter, "Why does that name sound familiar…?"

"You might recognize my beautiful face and name from Axel Town as I was stationed there to spread my religion's teachings!"

Ah. Right. She was that Axis loon I had the occasional run-in with back home. Peachy…

Cecily paused her humble bragging when she suddenly locked eyes with Megumin and gasped. Uh-oh. Better sic my robot on her before she even thinks about- -

"MEGUMIIIIIIIIIIIN~!" She squealed, wrapping the mage in a one-sided hug and jumping up and down. Definitely not what I was anticipating. "It's so good to see you again! To think my favorite loli in the world has come to my house unannounced for an impromptu visit! Oh, this is straight out of the scenes in my books! I've truly been blessed by Lady Aqua!"

"Hey, Ms. Cecily. Long time no see," Megumin answered neutrally.

"No, NO! I told you to call me 'Big Sister Cecily'! We've been over this already…"

"Okay, TIME OUT!" I called. "Megumin, you know this creepy chick?"

She freed herself from the priestess' hug (much to her great dismay) and sighed. "Yeah, it's a long story. But basically she and the pontiff took me in until I got back on me feet to continue travelling to Axel."

Huh. Seems pretty out of character for the Axis Cult given what I've seen of them. But could this be the reason why Megumin was willing to come back here for vacation despite all the red flags?

"Indeed, and in return, my precious little Megumin taught Father Zesta all sorts of neat tricks for attracting new recruits!" Cecily proclaimed proudly, unaware of the silencing motions Megumin was making along with me and Darkness' growing dead stares. "From playing damsel in distress to slipping in sign-up sheets where they'd least expect it, she's helped the church tremendously in the short time she was here!"

…so that's why she was so cognizant of their tricks…

Megumin, unable to stand the silent scrutiny of her peers any longer, shouted, "Look, I owed them one, okay!? They gave me carriage fare!"

"You know what? We'll talk about this later," I huffed before moving to the door and window. As much as I wanted to judge her for her life decisions, now wasn't exactly the best time for that. "Just make yourself useful and find some boards and nails for us. We need to barricade ourselves until either the storm dies down or we come up with a new plan."

"Excuse me, what is this sad, deathly pale heathen going on about?" I overheard Cecily ask her apparent partner in crime (I will never let Megumin live this one down, I swear). "Sounds like someone hasn't been following the Holy Scripture of Axis~"

I turned around to catch the nutty nun assuming a praying stance as she recited a passage I guess. "Quote, 'as the goddess lay bare in her bed like a newborn babe, declare did she that those who worry too much are damned to a life of self-pity and stress, so take it easy already!' Aqua 6:12."

…

"Did you seriously just 'Hakuna Matata' me?!" I barked.

Before anyone could rebuttal or even ask what I meant by that, our problems suddenly became a lot more immediate.

CRASH!

The sound of a window upstairs shattering made us all jump, and we quickly looked up to find that our barrier was much less secure than we had hoped. One of the slimes was already eating the floor/ceiling above us and dripping molten brick everywhere.

"JACK! IT'S INSIDE THE HOUSE!" Megumin screamed, cowering behind our living umbrella. "What are we gonna do?!"

"I don't know!" I cried, hoping to get a turn at hiding behind Darkness. "Hey! Crazy lady! Do you own any weapons?!"

Cecily's temperament had tightened up considerably, looking rather worried at the destruction of her house. "A-Aqua-sama…she always preached that the greatest weapons were the passive-aggressive comments you can make behind one's back! Perhaps if we all sneak behind the creature- -"

"I'M GONNA KILL THAT IDIOT!" I screamed, unable to do much else than watch the slime eat more and more of the roof until it eventually dissolved through the drywall and plopped down right in front of us. I am not ashamed to admit I screamed like a little girl, it was completely warranted this time.

"Crystal Prison!"

Suddenly, the blob was encased in a jagged and sturdy-looking block of ice. I blinked in confusion. Did I just unconsciously use my freeze tactic while scared shitless? No, there's no way my basic magic would be strong enough to fully encase this thing. So who…?

When we turned around, we were met with none other than Wiz and Aqua! The former of whom had busted through the door and had her hand outstretched while breathing heavily. They both looked run down and ragged, little holes dotting their clothes from the deadly rain. Thankfully, nothing revealed anything too R-rated if you know what I mean.

"Is everyone okay!?" Wiz asked us after catching her breath. "We were trying to rescue as many civilians as we could when we saw one of those things break in here. What's- -!"

"Oh thank you Wiz! Thank you – THANK YOU! You're my new evil hero!" I cried out in joy as I lunged at the lich to give her a great big gratitude hug.

"Hey, I've been helping too y'know!" Aqua butted in.

I pulled myself away from Wiz to glance at her. "Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Maybe next time give your dumbass followers something better to fight back with than snarky comments. By the way, I saved one of them back at the hotel. Don't say I never did nothing for ya."

"Um, her followers?" Cecily butted in. "Sorry, but I only follow the best of the best. Aqua is a beautiful and smart leader, not a cosplayer in a skimpy dress. No offense though, ma'am, I still respect the passion you clearly have for our goddess."

"ENOUGH!" Megumin burst before anymore back and forth bitching could continue. "Wiz! You said you were going off to fight whoever was responsible for this, yeah? Who is it? And why aren't you there kicking his ass yet!?"

Wiz shook her head, "I wanted to! But we can't seem to find him! Hans could be anywhere, hiding while he melts the city! There's no reason for him to appear – !"

"METAL DRAGON!" Boomed a voice throughout the town. "COME AND FACE YOUR DOOM!"

Meant to push this one out either before or during Halloween. Sorry. But never late than never, right?

Also, looks like something funky is going on with FFN's messaging system. Can't receive any email notifications from the site, be it fic updates or reviews. It might be the end of this dusty old website soon...shame. I'll still keep cross-posting regardless, but I guess just keep up with the AO3 version of this fic.