The room was dead quiet. Nobody said a word as we all stared at each other. Even the gross splat sounds from the slime rain outside seemed to be dying down after that familiar voice boomed throughout the town. It was almost like something was making way for a video game boss…
Naturally, this didn't help stop my teeth from chattering in fear.
"Well, at least now we have an idea of where to find him," Megumin sighed before turning her attention to Wiz. "You said you know this guy, right? What do you think is the best approach here and why is it Explosion Magic?"
Wiz didn't miss a beat, "Please hold off on the Explosions! I knew Hans before I moved out of the castle, what he's doing right now isn't like him. If everyone could please follow closely behind me, I'm going to see if I can talk to him. I'd rather not fight an old friend if I can help it…"
"Now wait just a minute!" Cecily (who I'd nearly forgotten was present) declared suddenly. "What in the name of Goddess Aqua is going on!? Pale kids with no fashion sense? Slimes burning holes through my ceiling? And some kind of Demon General sympathizer hanging out with a girl cosplaying as my patron deity!? Poorly I might add!?"
"Okay, first and foremost: my fashion sense is great, thank you," I countered with a sneer. Was really starting to second-guess saving Aqua's followers thanks to the pleasant reminder of how they all act. "Second, keep the hell up, lady. We've been discussing things pretty broadly since we arrived."
"Hey, uh…" Aqua piped up, a weird sort of blank stare on her face as she addressed the follower who unknowingly trashed her own goddess. "Suppose Aqua-sama herself were here right now. Don't you think she'd at least appreciate my, err…attempt to look like her? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery after all."
"Perhaps she would, if it weren't such a horrendous attempt," Cecily replied swiftly, rolling her eyes as if it were the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. "I mean, really, it's all off. The hair, the dress, it's just not selling whatever flattery you're attempting to achieve. So insulting."
Aqua's impression of a gaping fish that just saw a ghost was honestly a welcome distraction from our current situation. Even Darkness' not-so-subtle remark on how she, "wished she could be trashed like that," helped put my chattering teeth at ease.
"METAL DRAGON!" The voice from outside boomed again. "I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING! COME OUT AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!"
I hate being reminded that I'm boned.
"Right. We still need to deal with the matter at hand." Darkness started, stepping up to the doorway and looking out into the slime rain, eyes narrowed and expression stoic. At least she was finally back in business mode. "Wiz, while I normally wouldn't be entirely opposed to resolving things peacefully, the current state of the city doesn't seem to support the idea that this is something Hans is willing to talk out."
"But we at least have to try!" The lich nearly pleaded. "Please, if you'll just let me go out to try and talk with him, I'm sure we can find a non-violent solution first. I don't know what Hans is going on about right now but I'm sure that, whatever it is, it's all just a big misunderstanding. I like to trust in the good of people above all else."
I interjected, "Yeah, that's great and all, but the dude is literally raining hell on this city. Pretty evil of him, and I should know."
"Gotta side with Jack on this one. Drenching a city in acid doesn't feel like anyone's definition of misguided," Megumin chimed in, before shrugging her shoulders loosely. "That said, we really don't have a lot of good options right now. So if you want to talk to him, we should at least have a backup plan in case he's not interested in chatting."
Wiz looked dejected, but ultimately agreed that having a contingency plan in case shit hit the fan was probably for the best. Basically, if Hans didn't want to talk, she would try to hold him back for as long as possible while we split up and round up as many stragglers as possible to lead out of the city (much to Aqua's approval and my chagrin). It was kinda surreal to see Wiz of all people taking the initiative, especially against one of her supposed bad guy buddies. Guess it just goes to show that she was never truly on their side, spiritually speaking.
Once we finished sorting the finer details of the backup plan, Wiz took the lead as per her request. The rain seemed to be dying down finally, but that didn't mean there still weren't horrifying blobs around eating the rooftops and anything else that got in their way. While I was doing my best not to faint at the mere sight of them, Wiz took a deep breath and cupped her hands around her mouth.
"HANS! IT'S ME, WIZ! FOLLOW THE SOUND OF MY VOICE! HANS!"
Just hearing her shout out into the storm kicked my nerves up to eleven. Sure, we'd kicked plenty of Demon General butt before, but none of them made molten slime rain before. Wiz's pacifism strategy had better pan out, or we were in for a fight I wasn't all that confident in winning.
Nothing happened at first. Until the slime blobs in the surrounding area suddenly…stiffened. Like the human equivalent of standing at attention when your commanding officer was present. That analogy turned out to be fairly accurate as a lone figure made himself visible on the rooftop facing us.
He was tanned, had brown hair with a brown goatee, and wore a small sleeveless green jacket over a sleeveless black tank top that was a few sizes too small so that his abs were on display along with his biceps. I tried hard to focus on the weird red Sims-looking crystal hanging on his neck, but my eyes had a mind of their own.
"Jack…you can't seriously be checking him out right now, are you?" Megumin whispered to me with an exasperated sideways glance.
"I-I am not!" I hushed back, a little too quickly perhaps.
"Focus, both of you," Darkness interjected passively, seemingly attempting to keep the peace while keeping her eyes locked upon the approaching general…but not before casting me a pointed side glance. "And Jack, now is not the time to ogle the enemy! If it helps, fantasize about soiling my lewd body instead."
"You're not helping!" I wheezed.
"Wiz? Oh, you gotta be shittin' me – is that really you?"
Jumping down from the building with a powerful thud, what I assumed was Hans stepped forward to the lich while the surrounding slime blobs unnervingly huddled around him. "What the hell are you doing here? I thought you set up a shop in some bumfuck town in the middle of nowhere?"
"It's called Axel, Hans, and I was here on vacation!" Wiz replied, the slightest hint of agitation in her voice, more than I've ever heard before. Kinda weird, honestly, like when your teacher raises their voice to yell. "What are you doing here, attacking a city unprovoked!? You've endangered quite a number of people with this little stunt you know!"
Hans looked like he was about to respond to Wiz's accusations when his eyes suddenly wandered to the group behind her. Specifically to me of all people. His eyes narrowed as they locked onto my position.
"Jack Spicer…" He growled. "Or should I say, 'Metal Dragon'?"
At that moment, I decided to ditch the weak plan we came up with and instead tried to bullshit my way out of this. Luckily, while Hans was distracted by Wiz, I had time to put on my emergency Groucho Marx glasses in case I ever needed a quick disguise. I cleared my throat.
"I'm sorry, sir, do I know you? I am Suzy Carbuncle, a carpenter from Zimbabwe. I do not know this 'Jack Spicer' you speak of, but I am sure he is quite smart and handsome, not to mention super evil too."
Hans just looked at me with what might've been an unimpressed stare. "…how convincing."
Before I could even blink, a globby tendril shot out of Hans' open palm and latched onto my glasses, pulling them off my face and then promptly dissolving the plastic. Everyone stared at him for a moment before quietly turning to me.
"…Damnit, I knew I should've gone with Canada as a fake background!"
"You're a special kind of stupid…" Megumin retorted with an eye-roll before turning her attention back to Hans. "Hang on a sec. Vanir rambled about something involving Jack and dragons back when we first met him. Now you're going off about that? Is everyone in the Devil King's army a scam psychic or what?"
Hans blinked. "Vanir? You've met him and he's still around? That…raises concerns," He mumbled, bothered by the mention of the masked devil at all before shrugging it off. "Look, you girlies just run along. This is a man's fight. I got beef with the Metal Dragon, not you."
"And we say, you're mistaken," Darkness stepped up, putting her body between me and him. "Jack has not an ounce of dragon in him."
"Yeah!" Aqua chimed in, "He's never breathed any fire! Or grown wings! Or slept on a pile of gold! Or eaten anything other than junk food! Or been intimidating in the slightest- -"
"I think he gets the point," I hissed in annoyance. I know Aqua's just defending me in her own dumb way but damn. Anyway, screw Hans' 'man's fight' BS. If it wasn't for these girls sometimes, I'd probably be dead. They were way tougher than any stupid gender stereotype.
Hans cocked his brow and gave me a look. "You're not seriously gonna hide behind these ladies like a coward, are you?"
"Uh…yeah?" I answered with a light shrug before pointing at Darkness. "This one survived an explosion at point-blank-range; I feel pretty safe behind her. If anything, I'm looking for a chance to book it and let them handle this."
"Jack!? You'd really leave me to rot with this beast?" Darkness gasped and huffed, looking back at me with disgust/arousal.
"…not if I knew you couldn't endure it?"
Thankfully this strangeness was cut off by Wiz before it could go any further. "Well, either way, how about you both take this outside the city? Somewhere less inhabited even!" She beamed, looking rather pleased with her own stupid suggestion.
"OH! Should we invite him for a cup of coffee while we're at it?" I said sarcastically. "Why do you think he'll just casually follow us outside the city?!"
"Because you're an adventurer, Jack," Wiz replied so calmly like it was common sense. "It is your responsibility to protect the townsfolk and not have them get tied up in this silly war between humans and the Devil King."
…
"Fuck that! I ain't duking it out with this beefcake! At least not without an army of robots to back me up."
"Of course you will! I have an agreement with the Devil King about innocents and adventurers. Hans is bound by law not to harm civilians just like all- -"
Hans suddenly burst out laughing.
"God DAMN I forgot how naïve you were, Wiz!" He roared, slapping his knee as he keeled over in laughter. "Whew~ You have to come hang out at the castle more often, you're a riot!"
It was clear he wasn't looking at Wiz's eyes right now. Because his blood would be freezing in fear right now if he could, like ours.
"What do you mean?"
"That was a nothing deal! We hurt civilians all the time! What, you think we destroy a town and just make sure to evacuate all the humans beforehand?" He continued to boast. "Our line of work requires sacrifices on both sides. Adventurers kill monsters and demons, we kill humans. And I'm about to melt this shitty city to the ground, even if that coward runs off and leaves his friends to die. Just 'cause it pissed me off."
Shit, I would've just blocked off this whole city in a giant bubble when I took over, partly to keep Aqua happy. And I don't like Hans insinuating that I would just leave my friends to die while I ran away. I'd at least send a bot or the limo to come pick them up before meeting back up with me! Who does this presumptuous asshole think he is!?
Before I could give Hans a piece of my mind, Wiz spoke again, this time calm and leveled. I could almost feel the renewed jovial aura from the lich dissipate as quickly as it first came.
"Oh…I see."
Suddenly, the immediate area in front of us crackled with pure blinding white energy. Hans had less than a second to react before the area was encased in nearly 3 feet of ice. All the surrounding blobs behind Hans were completely frozen while the crazed sniffer himself had most of his lower torso trapped, only managing to save his arms from the attack.
He was certainly scary, but the one in front of him… the flowing brown hair, the magic energy that seemed to pour off her body, the rage I could feel emanating just from looking at her back! This was a powerful witch through and through. And from the look on Hans' face as she walked towards him, he knew it too.
"Crystal. Prison."
"Wiz!? The fuck do you think you're doing!?" He barked, struggling to move his legs even an inch, "I know you don't do much other than maintain the barrier, but we're on the same side here!"
"Are we?" She continued her simple responses. Ice encapsulating her voice as much as it had the wall behind Hans. "If the agreement was a sham, then all relationships I had with you people were too. I return to being an adventurer. One standing in front of her enemy."
With a flick of the wrist, her hand grabbed the poisonous tendril he had shot from his palm. It turned her fingers purple for just a second before she squeezed back and froze the poison completely. A cracking sound could be heard as she snapped the frozen tendril, now wielding it like a makeshift icicle blade. She loomed over the desperate man.
Oh yeah, and we were all huddling together out of fear in case you were wondering.
"I vote Aqua never purifies Wiz's tea ever again."
The girls and Spielberg all nodded with me.
"Fuck you, Wiz!" Hans barked in rage in his cage, "You wanna die too?! Again?! I'll gladly melt your body to absolute nothing this time!"
"Hans the Slime: you stand accused of hurting the lives of innocent civilians. Those who needn't have gazed into this hellish life of adventure, yet were forced to by the likes of you."
"This is all rather exciting, isn't it?" Cecily asked from beside us; I'd totally forgotten she was here. Right now she was munching on- -
"Is that popcorn? They already have that in this world?"
"I didn't realize your new friend was slow…" Cecily casually whispered to Megumin in between munches. Screw you too, bitch…
"Alright, lich. if this is how you want to go down, then so be it," Hans growled, raising his arms up to the sky. "SLIMES! TO ME!"
Before we knew it, the blobs that'd been rampaging throughout the city during the Poison Rainstorm crawled out of every nook and cranny and stuck themselves to the upper half of Hans' body. It all happened so quick, my scream got hitched in my throat as the man trapped in the block of ice wasn't a man anymore. Instead, it became one humongous blob of slime, with added tentacles and even razor sharp teeth arranged in a jagged circle around its mouth.
"O-oh…my…"
My girly shriek finally found its way out of my throat right at the same time the beast roared down at us.
As the beast slammed a mighty tentacle down towards us, we were thankfully saved by another wall of ice forming around the area like a dome, Wiz putting up a strain to hold the beast back.
"Thank you Wiz! You're the best!"
She didn't acknowledge me. No, she did something far worse.
The ground beneath us suddenly froze over. Not keeping us in place, just creating a shrine of ice that we were all confused by.
"I'm sorry, everyone. I need you to protect the citizens. I'll keep him following you as best I can, just take him where he can't hurt anyone."
I raised my hands like she was a raptor, "Wiz…don't you dare…"
She shot back one last smile before the ground beneath us sparked with energy.
"HANS! YOU WANT THE METAL DRAGON?! WELL…GO GET HIM!"
And then a pillar of ice shot up from our feet.
And we went fucking flying.
Six bodies just flailing through the Arcanletia skies. All of us screaming…though some for different reasons. There was Darkness as the usual suspect and…I think Cecily was more angry about her popcorn? Whatever - WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
As we all blasted off into the sky like Team Rocket, screaming all the way, a noise that sounded like a jet engine drowned us out for just a moment. Something black whizzed below us before we suddenly found ourselves lying on something leathery but comfy, staring above the open sky until it was blocked off by the roof of my flying limo.
Wait…my flying limo!?
"Welcome back, kids," Alexis said with a cheeky smirk before getting a little more serious. "Mind telling me what the hell happened with you guys? I was trying to wrangle up some more of those Axis idiots when I saw you falling from the sky. You're lucky I happened to be passing by."
"BIG PURPLE HELL SLIME!" I babbled back, clambering out of our pile we landed in to point at the lumbering death that was crashing into buildings as it slowly crawled our way. "NOW STOP BEING CUTE AND DRIVE!"
"On it!" She nodded, going serious mode and stepping on the gas. Just in time as a purple protrusion whipped the air we'd just inhabited.
"Jack! Let me out of here!" Aqua whined, "I wanna go protect my town!"
"Not slowing down, but if you want to jump then go ahead."
"Jack! I think you could use me as a shield to slow the beast!"
"Not happening, Dark. There's a difference between fetish and reality sometimes."
"Jack! Cecily won't get off me!" Megumin whined, the last two on the floor of the limo in a tight squeeze. "He~lp!"
"Okay, that one I will sort out…" I agreed, activating my HeliBot's mechanical arms to loosen the grip of this blonde weirdo. "Hey, get off her! That's enough! We have more important things to deal with than a second blonde pervert!"
"Oh boo," Cecily pouted after a mild tickling. "Can you really blame me? She was just so… squeezable~!"
"Master! I must say, this is creating some excellent footage of you taking charge!" Spielberg declared.
I sighed before grabbing the CameraBot's face, "Disengage your prime directive and man the turret! You may be a pre-programmed indie film-maker but you're still a JackBot! Now attack that purple monstrosity!"
"Right away, sir!" The CameraBot saluted. Tightening his metal cap, the droid hovered over to the passenger seat and fiddled with some buttons before his space shifted into a convertible ball turret. The bubble extended out underneath the car as Spielberg locked onto the slime beast behind us.
The girls and I watched as a volley of laser beams made contact with the monster, with the gross thing actually halting for a moment in apparent confusion. Our hopes were soon crushed, however, when we and the creature realized the lasers were mostly just going right through its gelatinous body, seemingly having no effect. It continued shambling after us, its large form covering a concerning distance.
"Oh crap, that's all I had!" I screamed.
"Pfft, let the professional handle this," Megumin scoffed, cracking her knuckles before grabbing her staff. Only for the wood to be swiped by Aqua.
"No! If you blow up the monster, its slime will rain down on all my precious followers again!" She insisted, for once making a good point (my distaste for them aside). Even if Megumin was more annoyed about her staff being handled by another without permission.
The giant slime jumped high into the air; much further than I thought given how dumpy it looked. It was still too far to actually grab or attack us, but you know fate loved to prove me wrong. Instead, it jumped higher than the car was flying… and began dislodging itself. Tiny purple pellets separated from the large slime. Pellets that quickly grew to the size of cannonballs and fired at the same speed as them…right towards us.
"EVASIVE MANEUVERS NOW!" I yelled as a purple hail rocketed down from the beast.
"Buckle the fuck up, everyone!" Alexis shouted as she did exactly as I ordered. Unfortunately, I wasn't quick enough to put on my seatbelt as the flying limo went spinning out of the way of the shots, causing me to tumble and fumble all over the cabin and onto some of the girls. Still, it seemed like Alexis was doing a good job of not getting hit by the slimy cannonballs, so I would take it for now.
"This can't be how it ends!" Aqua cried all teary-eyed after I fell on her lap. "My precious followers need me out there! But my friends are in here! I don't know what to dooooooo – WAAAAAHAAAAAA!"
Scrambling off the crybaby, I looked out the windows to grimace at the hulking mass of goo still chasing after us. My eyes wandered, noticing something strange off in the distance. Using my Farsight skill, I saw that it was the remaining populace of the city all gathered around a winding path on the cliffside of one of the mountains, with Wiz trying to calm them all down it seems.
In fact, now that I'm getting a better look at my surroundings, it looks like there's a huge empty crater on the other end of that mountain range, probably a meteor impact from a long time ago.
I glanced back at everyone else. Aqua was still crying, Darkness was consoling a shaken up Megumin, Alexis and Spielberg were doing the best they could, and Cecily…was still there, I nearly forgot again.
…did she get more popcorn?!
"In Aqua, all things are possible," She replied to my inner thoughts, casually munching more kernels. I looked over to the teary wreck she believed in and didn't believe her. She probably found the snack panel when we weren't looking and started raiding it.
I would've reprimanded her if not for the sound of a window smashing.
The sudden rush of wind hit us all from the broken window in our cabin. We were now carrying a goopy stowaway, and it seemed determined to ooze its way inside.
"Meeetttaaalllll Dddrraaagggooonnnnnnn!" moaned the blob over the roaring winds as tentacles crawled inside the cabin.
"FOR THE LOVE OF EVIL!" I barked at it, "WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE US ALONE?!"
But of course it didn't. Just flopping about on the upholstery, crawling towards me as the rest of the group separated to the back of the cabin. Only Darkness hadn't run, trying to get her footing as she stepped up with hunched shoulders over to me.
"Jack, I'll take care of this," She advised, looking ready to grab it with her bare fucking hands. "Just get us close to the ground and you can drop me there."
"What?! No way!" I tried to sound tough, but a purple protrusion tickled my knee and I screamed in pain. "YEOW! That really stings!"
"It has to be me, Jack! No one else can handle these things, and if we don't act soon the limo will crash!"
She had a point. The more it stayed on the wing, the more metal it would dissolve. A hissing of fabric, purple smoke filling the cabin…this was gonna get rough.
But not for Darkness.
My HeliBot's arms activated, wrapping themselves around as much purple ooze as possible. As I discovered that night, slimes were surprisingly ticklish, and as it gurgle-laughed, it fell right off the car. With hardly any time to process what transpired, I turned to Darkness and the others, doing my absolute best to look brave to convey my seriousness.
"Everyone, I have a plan!" I pointed at the scenery behind me, the gaping hole that the slime left behind ironically helping to better visualize my point. "See that mountain range over there? There's a big old empty crater over on the far end of it, and Wiz is all the way on the other side with the cultists! I'm gonna fly out there myself and lure Poison Breath to that open area so Megumin can blow it to kingdom come; it's me he wants the most anyway. You guys go get Wiz so that we have a backup if he lives!"
My HeliBot whirred to life, sending me flying through the sunroof- -
I looked down to find a hand gripping my ankle, preventing me from going anywhere.
"Jack!" Darkness cried. "Don't fly off and leave everyone!"
"What!? I just need to lure…"
Oh…I think I get it. I saw the look in her eyes.
She doesn't want me to go back on my word like last time; to further break her trust and faith in me. Doesn't help I made that cowardly comment back when Hans wasn't a giant blob of death yet.
…
"Trust me, Lalatina," I said, looking deep into her eyes while pleading with my own. "I won't let you down. Not this time."
There was a beat, one where it felt like our connection meant something more than words…like we both knew this one time, I meant it.
So she nodded and let go of my ankle.
And then I was off…on my daring and brave plan…
"Ugh, emotions suck," I cringed at myself before gulping it all down and facing the monster below me. "COME ON THEN! YOU WANT ME? THEN LET'S GO YOU SNIFFING PERV!"
After giving my rear a couple smacks for good measure, I kicked the HeliBot into high-gear as the bellowing roar of the Hans-blob-monster-thing nearly shook the very air. I found myself suddenly hyperventilating from the fear and adrenaline, and that wasn't necessarily something you'd want to do at this high of an altitude. Blood started trickling down from my nose.
"D-damnit…"
My vision was starting to get a little woozy as I zoomed through the air to get to the crater on the other side of the mountain range. I was feeling very nauseous at that moment and briefly wondered in my woozy state whether I would throw up or pass out in midair first.
Dark circles closed in around my vision…
Just then, a splotch noise had me on my full alert along with the sizzling sound that followed. Hans had been trying to shoot me down with more of his slime cannonballs and one of them landed itself square on my HeliBot! Fuck Eris for my shitty luck!
I used the mechanical arms to get it off, but now there was something wrong with the HeliBot. The slime must've burned a hole through some of the circuitry 'cause now I was slowly descending back down to ground level! But I was just about to reach the far side of the crater, I'm…so…close…!
"Up we go, sir!" called out a voice above me as I was lifted back up to my optimal flying path. "You had a bit of purple on you so I cleaned that off."
"Spielberg?!" I exclaimed, so happy to see his expressionless (but no doubt positive) face. "Oh man, you saved me! Thanks for chasing after me!"
"Um…I've been with you the whole time," He admitted sheepishly. "You haven't been flying very fast at all."
"Oh."
…
"Did I at least look cool?"
"Got plenty of B-Roll for cutaways. Even if you refuse my art, I'll be filming you as much as I can!"
That…made me feel a little better. My Robros were just so dang loyal.
"Alright! Let's get to a safe distance so our dynamite shorty can do her thing!"
"Aye-aye!"
With my faithful CameraBot carrying me across the vast crater, we landed on the opposite side just as the Hans monster was clambering over the distant mountain range. Its glowy eyes locked onto me and it let out another bellowing roar while it slid down the other side, leaving a massive trail of dissolved greenery all the while.
I nervously tapped my wrist comm. "Uh, Alexis? Not to be a nag but do you think you could HURRY TO MY LOCATION!?"
"Putting the pedal to the metal, boss! Hang on!" She replied over comms, though I was a bit preoccupied with the massive wall of slime that was clambering ever closer even as the dissent whir of the limos' engines grew stronger. "ETA: fifteen seconds! Get ready!"
I crossed my arms and rapidly tapped my foot as I nervously waited for the girls to get into range. The gooey kaiju was already at the crater's radius as it moaned:
"Meeetttaaalllll Dddrraaagggooonnnnnnn~!"
The moment I spotted the limo soaring towards the fucking thing from above, I turned around and booked it…to put as much distance between me and the blast zone of course.
"BLOWITUPBLOWITUPBLOWITUPBLOWITUP!" I babbled into the comms.
Admittedly, I couldn't hear all of Megumin's chanting between my distance from the limo and the whole running for my life thing, but the one part I did catch distinctly at the very end was a proud shout of, "This one's for the Death Star!"
Honestly? Kinda proud of that one.
That didn't stop me from cheesing it, though. If anything, it made me push my legs to their limit as I knew damn well how impactful that girl's Explosions can be. And they've only become more potent with each Level she gains. So when the tinnitus-inducing boom went off and Spielberg and I were pushed forward by the rumbling shockwave, I couldn't exactly say I was surprised.
When I picked myself up off the dirt, I looked back at the scene of the crime. To describe what happened to Hans' monster form…well, it was kinda hard, even for me. It was like Megumin's Explosion evaporated a lot of the slime's body mass, leaving it as more of a mismatched, skinny lump of molten rock and was marginally less terrifying than its previous form. At least it couldn't move, from first glance anyhow.
But when I activated Farsight to get a better look at it, I could tell it was twitching slightly and parts of its rocky body were flaking off. It was probably attempting to reform itself using whatever jelly was left inside the crust. How resilient was this thing to survive Megumin's Explosion!? Who did it think it was, Darkness!?
"Guys, I think we still need to hit it with something else!" I called on my device. "Tell me you got Wiz with you like I asked!"
"Sure did, Jack! Hold tight!" Aqua's voice replied, prompting me to look up in confusion and see the limo doubling back, with the water goddess poised on the edge, casting some kind of spell as the molten form of Hans began to radiate fresh steam. It took me a sec to realize she'd just doused him in water, likely with the same spell she used on Beldia that nearly flooded Axel if the impressive pool forming in the crater was any indication. Before I could ask why, she spoke again.
"Hit 'em, Wiz!"
Though the audio clipped from someone's voice, I could infer that it was in fact Wiz calling out that Crystal Prison move thing she used before, as evident by the purple figure leaning out of the car and shooting a concentrated beam of ice magic. In the blink of an eye, Hans' leftovers were completely frozen over thanks to Aqua's water, along with the pool that had collected around him. Now it just looked like a glorified ice-skating rink complete with an artsy ice sculpture of something vaguely resembling a serpent.
"And now, for the finishing touch~!" Aqua chirped once more, prompting me to look up at the limo once more, and watch as a distinctly familiar white and orange streak of color leapt off the edge, my eyes going a bit wide as it clicked just what kind of "finishing touch" they had in mind.
A crusader missile launching straight at Hans while he was frozen.
"Spielberg…please tell me you're getting this…"
"I'm almost offended you think I wouldn't."
Satisfied knowing my CameraBot was saving this moment for posterity, we both watched in awe as Darkness dive-bombed into Hans' head fist-first and cracked the entire statue, shattering it into a million glittering pieces. I didn't even care that some of them rained down on my head like actual hail, that shit was fucking tight, baby! OH YEAH!
"CUT!" I shouted instinctually, my film brain thinking of all the ways to enhance that scene with some editing magic. "Oh man – this is going to look so epic in the movie! I can see it now: my loyal subjects lining up to go see it in Spicer Theaters around the world! C'mon, let's go see if we can capture Darkness looking stoic before she relishes in her own pain!"
"Right away, sir!" Spielberg chirped pleasantly, the CameraBot following after me as we both carved out a path towards the smoldering crater that was now counted in hardened, shattered smile remnants and eventually spotting Dark amongst the rubble. Sure enough, she looked entirely uninjured. High defense is a helluva drug, apparently.
"Quick, quick! Get the camera rolling before – aw man, she's already doing that drooling thing she does when she's aroused! We missed our stoic knight shot! Oh well…just film it anyway, it's what she'd want…"
As Spielberg zoomed in on the drooling pain glutton kneeling on the ground with a throbbing fist, the flying limo descended from the sky and landed/parked next to us with Aqua excitedly rushing to me with Megumin on her back and Alexis effortlessly slinging an exhausted Wiz on hers. Guess she must've used up the last of her magic and put it all in that last spell to fully freeze Hans.
"That was AWESOME! Did you see that, Jack?! We whooped his slimy butt!" Aqua crowed as she got closer, bouncing from foot to foot and giving poor Megumin the slightest bit of motion sickness with all the rocking. "My godly intellect came up with the perfect plan of taking care of Hans, and it worked like a charm~! I'll take any praise, and/or applause now, please."
"I'm sorry, your godly intellect?" I questioned irritably at the self-entitled dope trying to take credit away from me. "It was my evilgenius and cunning that came up with the plan! You were too busy crying your brains out!"
"Wha-that's not fair! It was my idea to douse Hans so that when we had Wiz freeze him it'd do more!" Aqua retorted, stomping in protest and jostling the arch mage on her back even worse than before. "As for Darkness diving off the edge of the limo like a nutcase, well…that one was all her."
I really shouldn't be surprised by that.
"Wait…then was that about the 'finishing touch' if it wasn't Darkness?"
"Oh, I was just going to pop off my newest Party Trick to celebrate our victory over Hans!" Aqua answered swiftly with a proud smile. "It's super glittery and pretty, so it would've been a perfect visual to compliment all the ice!"
…
Again, I really shouldn't be surprised by that.
"I'm sorry, are we just all gonna ignore that AWESOME Explosion I did?!" Megumin chimed in from atop Aqua's back, having recovered quickly from all the jostling and now beaming with pride. "First one I've ever cast on a Demon General, too. Not half bad, if I do say so myself."
I rolled my eyes in amusement. "Yeah, yeah, it was pretty epic, M-Bomb. Granted, I didn't get the chance to see it, but cool bad guys don't look at explosions anyway. I give it a 9 out of 10."
"9 OUT OF 10?!" She screamed, somehow finding the strength to flop around in protest on Aqua's back. "That's practically a failing grade! I made art, Jack; the pinnacle of my Explosion work thus far!"
"Well maybe if it was enough to actually kill Hans without help from Wiz's ice magic, it'd get a perfect score," I retorted calmly but sternly, even smirking a little at the writhing log on Aqua's back. "As a fellow artist myself, I understand that in order for our art to truly be great, we must suffer for it. That's why I expect nothing less than perfection from your craft. Don't hate the player, hate the game."
Megumin glared at me from Aqua's back, and I'm pretty sure the only reason she didn't try to go for my throat is because all that thrashing took up what little energy she had left post-Explosion. So for the moment, she just lay there and grumbled quietly, likely plotting for revenge. I'd be so proud if said revenge wasn't aimed at me.
"Oh, don't be so harsh on the cutie. She did her best! Even if that goes against one of the sacred commandments laid out by Aqua-sama: 'Thou shan't have to worry about doing everything to the best of their abilities, for life is too short for such nonsense'."
"Man, I keep forgetting you're still here," I commented dryly to Cecily, still carrying a bucket of popcorn with her. "And if you're gonna steal my snacks, at least gimme some!"
"Fools…all of you…"
I blinked in surprise at the voice, as it sure as hell didn't belong to any of the girls. Glancing in the general direction of where it came from, I found the perpetrator pretty easily. Hans was miraculously still alive after all we've thrown at him. And yet…he was a bit different this time. It looked like his human form was toast, since the reddish-purple glob slithering around the rubble definitely didn't hold the same appeal.
In fact…he actually looked kinda funny. Like an angry little jellyfish!
I snorted. Then I giggled. Pretty soon, I was on the floor clutching my sides with laughter and kicking my legs in the air. After everything I just went through, the horrors of reliving one of my childhood scary movies…seeing Hans in this state had me in goddamn hysterics.
"HEY! The hell are you laughing at, Metal Dragon?!" He hissed with fitting venom, not that it mattered much since he was still jiggling about in this bizarre new form and looked totally ridiculous. "So help me, when I get my tendrils on you, you'll be begging for the pain to stop!"
Eventually winding down from my laughing fit, I stood back up and casually walked over to the little jellyfish while wiping an imaginary tear from my eye. "Still have no idea what you're talking about. But c'mon, man, look at you! I've sneezed out things scarier than what you are now! What could you possibly do to me in this form – OW!"
In the middle of my evil mocking, Hans lashed out at my leg with one of his tentacles and seared me, making me stumbling backwards.
"You really are an angry jellyfish!"
Hans cackled menacingly, still crawling forward before Dark and Aqua both stood beside me. I even heard Alexis draw up a few of her hair tendrils behind us, still supporting Wiz as we collectively stared down the Demon General's pitiful but capable new form.
"You people…you people…ARE ABSOLUTELY NUTS!" Hans practically screamed at us, on the verge of having an insane meltdown as he continued cackling. "I knew it, I knew you only got by through sheer dumb luck! Though I suppose I'm partially to blame as well for getting so careless back there. Should've suspected the Metal Dragon was leading me into a trap. Did a bang-up job, I'll admit, but I'm afraid it was all pointless in the end…"
"What do you speak of, villain?" Darkness shot back, eyes narrowed as she extended her sword, not that I was sure it'd do much good without her gloves. "What else have you done to the city and its people?"
"You mean aside from the plan to eat every last one of those crazy fuckers until I regain all my lost mass?" Hans questioned rhetorically with an amused evil smirk. "Well, at least the ones that haven't already been poisoned by my slime. Seriously, I don't know what the Devil King was thinking when he wanted me to just pollute those baths. The Axis Cult is a nuisance to everyone, I say let them all die! Save the world a massive headache."
The silence that followed as the gears turned in our collective minds was actually kinda harrowing. I had no lost love for those annoying cultists that had badgered me and my friends since the second we arrived, but given what Hans was implying…
Look, I may be a bad guy, but I don't exactly wanna see people die for no other reason than being obnoxious (even if it's to the level of Aqua's moron followers). Closest I ever came to that was nearly running Dojo over with a train. But in my defense, he was a magical shape-shifting dragon, so it probably would've only hurt him at worst which I'm fine with.
"You did what…?" Aqua asked suddenly, her voice strained. From where I was standing, her hair was obscuring her face, so I couldn't properly gauge her reaction. But it didn't take a psychologist to figure out that the girl was absolutely seething.
"Hah, what's the matter? Pissed that I'm killing off your fellow crazies, Blue?" Hans snarled with a wicked grin, failing to recognize the danger in having pissed off an actual goddess and threatening her followers en masse. "I'm doing you lot a favor, really! The Axis Church was a joke long before the King ordered me to make 'em vanish. Now I just get to take a bit more pride in the process, weeding out the scourge myself."
"I should've known those poisonings we covered up were the Devil King's doing!" Cecily shouted, making me and everyone besides Aqua do a double-take. "If word ever got out that our own disciples were getting sick from some of our baths, we'd lose all our tourists! And to think we assumed it was our fair goddess punishing us for not being faithful enough…you monster!"
Uh, I don't think you have the moral high ground to call him that, sister.
"See?! Walking, jabbering proof right there that I'm just doing this world a favor!" Hans shot back with another lash of his tentacle swiping just short of Cecily's position. "Who would possibly blame me for wiping these nutcases off the map, huh? With all the trouble they cause, the damage they do, the air they waste! Who could possibly blame me?!"
"GOD BLOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
With unprecedented speed, Aqua lunged at the slime-jellyfish with her signature punch. Righteous anger was evident throughout her entire being – even the energy sparks coming out of her fist seemed especially volatile! We've seen Aqua get angry and even lash out before, but not like this. This wasn't a Giant Frog bruising her ego. No, this was personal to her, and I honestly can't fault her for that.
The first punch hit Hans like a truck, throwing him back into a chunk of rubble from his own form. He opened his mouth, either to make another snarky comment or to ask what the hell had just hit him before Aqua struck him again. And again. And again.
When Aqua took a break from the punching only to catch her breath, Hans spit out a loose tooth (still weird that a slime has teeth) and gave a cheeky grin. "Heh…you got a mean right hook for an Archpriest, I'll give you that. But your friends have already given me the best they've got, and I'm still left standing! So what do you hope to accomplish here exactly, huh?"
"Two things, really. First: it's been a very long timesince someone's managed to piss me off this much," Aqua replied in an uncharacteristically serious tone between gasps, before blue and pink energy started to curl around her free fist as she stomped down on one of Hans' tendrils, keeping him in place. "As for the second? It's a really bad idea to screw with a goddess…"
Despite his position and having had the shit beaten out of him, Hans just scoffed. "You, a goddess? Please, don't make me laugh. Isn't it against your 'Axis faith' to impersonate your own deity?"
"Thank you!" Cecily interjected at the wrong time. "Finally, an outsider who understands even the most basic principles of our religion!"
"DON'T SPIN THIS IN YOUR FAVOR YOU DAMN CULTIST!"
Utterly transfixed on the scene playing out in front of us, I was finally forced to look away when I felt someone tug on my sleeve weakly. Glancing to Megumin, who'd been passed over to Dark while Aqua went on her beatdown, she let her arm retract and nodded back the way we came. Turning my head to follow her direction, I came across a sight I hadn't been expecting.
"HEY! You leave our fellow sister alone, you slimy butt!" Yelled a little girl in front of a crowd of Axis cultists. Those ding-dongs must've followed the limo after I instructed my team to go pick up Wiz. Did they all have a death wish or something!? Why the hell would these idiots willingly come to where the active danger is!?
Again, not a big fan of killing people…but I am a strong advocate for Natural Selection.
"Oh for the love of-WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO GET RID OF YOUR MORONS?!" Hans shouted to the heavens, ironically enough given who he managed to piss off, before turning his attention back to Aqua with an irate glare. "Come on, then! Show me what you got! Hit me one more damn time before I get my second wind and kill the lot of you for good!"
Now I was starting to get a little nervous. If Hans could survive being exploded, frozen, shattered, and punched by Aqua's God Blows in that order, what else was it gonna take to wipe the booger out already (that sounded gross)!?
As I was gripping my hair to subdue an oncoming panic attack, the strangest thing suddenly happened…
The Axis cultists…started praying.
"The Axis church can get things done, and even if it doesn't go well, it's not your fault! It's society's fault!"
"You can run away from unpleasant things, but that doesn't mean you've lost! Sometimes running away is its own form of winning!"
"The answer you come to after being in doubt is usually one you'll regret, no matter what you choose! So just do whatever's easiest for you in the moment!"
"Do not fear growing old, for not even the gods know if you'll be happy in the future…So just learn to be happy now!"
…was this seriously supposed to be encouraging?
Well, apparently it was exactly the fix Aqua needed because a surge of energy overtook her, making her entire form glow with seemingly renewed strength and power.
"Hold on…" Hans said to himself as his face scrunched up in confusion as the Ultra Instinct Aqua marched towards him. "What's all this!? Your idiot comrades start praying to your idiot goddess and now you're all jacked up on mana? How is that possible!? Unless…"
He sniffed the air (because of course) until his eyes suddenly widened. "Unless…oh shit…"
Aqua's fist starts to glow with a great surge of power. "God- -"
"STAY BACK!" Hans screamed in terror as his tendrils shot out in front of him to morph into a makeshift slime barricade.
"REQUIEM!"
The moment that Aqua's fist collided with that barricade, the entire area exploded with light, genuinely blinding and even making me put on my goggles. Following the initial light was the blast, the sheer godly power that surged over the crater, intense and damn near enough to blow us all back.
Even though I couldn't see what was happening, I could definitely hear it. From the way Hans was screaming, I'd assume Aqua managed to break through his slime barrier and was currently decking him in the face for hopefully the last time. In spite of the – what I could only imagine was – unbearable pain, he did manage to grunt something out.
"It…can't…be! The wretched goddess this horrible town worships…was YOU all along!?"
Aqua simply kept shouting as she put her all into this one move. The surging energy she was putting off in the surrounding area was so great, I was on the verge of passing out.
"If you…and the Metal Dragon…are working together…then-then – !"
Feeling nauseous…losing consciousness again…
"THE WORLD REALLY IS DOOOOOOMED!"
Everything went black.