When I awoke, I was greeted by the unfortunately familiar ceiling of the room we had at the inn, releasing a low groan of disdain as I recognized it. Why'd it have to be the crummy hotel room?
"Why does it feel like I get knocked out way too often during boss fights?"
"My money's on your horrendous luck stat, but if you'd prefer me to do the math, I can be convinced," A voice supplied from nearby, prompting me to turn my head to glance at Alexis, who sat on a chair beside me and flashed a smirk. "Three tends to be a pattern, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, especially if you count the time he got conked on the head by falling debris from the Destroyer," Megumin added casually as she stepped into my field of vision before adopting a softer tone of voice. "Hey, Jack. Feeling alright, buddy?"
Went from dissing me to being concerned for my health at the drop of a hat. Human moment.
"Uh…yeah, I think so. Say, what happened exactly? Last thing I remember was Aqua super-punching Hans and then…darkness."
"Yes?" Chimed a familiar voice sitting in a chair near my bed.
"No, not you," I deadpanned, even when she squirmed with excitement over my tone. "I mean I went unconscious. What happened after that?"
"Well, Aqua's spell wiped Hans off the face of this world. It really was quite the spectacle, I can assure you," Darkness replied after recomposing herself, back to her usual-ish self for the most part. "After that, we brought you back to the inn while she and the rest of the Axis Cult headed to the baths. She's been purifying them since, and from the assorted chatter we've heard, things are going rather well."
"Oh yeah, Hans mentioned something about polluting baths, didn't he?" I said while in the process of sitting up. When I did, I noticed Wiz sleeping in one of the other beds. "I take it she's resting?"
"You'd be correct. Been sleeping like a log since we returned. Much like yourself," Alexis confirmed with a slight chuckle, rising from her seat and stretching before continuing. "You both certainly earned the rest, intentional or otherwise."
With convenient timing, Wiz began to stir awake, probably from us all talking. The lich rose in a fashion similar to how a vampire would rise from their coffin, her hair a tangled mess and her eyes barely open.
"G'mornin'…" She murmured to the wall in front of her bed. If I wasn't still somewhat on edge from her power level last night, I'd almost be inclined to think she looked kinda cute just waking up.
"Good morning to you too," Megumin chuckled, making the lich blink slightly in confusion before turning to face the rest of us, clearly still waking up. "Jeez, last night really took a lot outta you, huh?"
Wiz groaned lightly as she rubbed the sleepies from her eyes. "I guess so…and the fact I got to sleep in an actual bed and not the floor tiles in my shop helps."
"You really need to stand up to Vanir sometimes," Megumin said simply with a disappointed shake of the head.
"Same. Guy isn't even that scary, how many times I gotta say it!?" I added, shaking my head and crossing my arms. Nobody ever listens to the evil genius when it matters. "Next time he gives you lip, Wiz, tell him to shove it. After what I saw last night, I'm convinced you're capable of making him give."
The lich didn't say anything at first, nor did she meet my gaze for some reason. When she finally did, though? She had that serious look in her eye(s) again, and I was back to being on edge. Wiz had shown us her true colors last night with Hans, so all my suspicions about her possibly opposing my rule one day had only escalated since.
"A long time ago, long before I was undead, I learned that Vanir is not someone easily swayed, regardless of power," She stated simply, her words carrying a heavier weight than usual as she laced her hands together. "While you and your friends saw the extent of my abilities last night, I'd like to be clear that they aren't something that I jump to make use of. My policy is to only intervene if innocent lives get caught in the crossfire."
Oh…uh, I'm actually not sure what I was expecting from her to be honest. That's why, instead of thinking about it too hard, I just focused on turning the topic of the conversation back to me. I wasn't in the mood for headaches or navigating through a maze of confusing feelings.
"W-well, then, err…w-what about me then, huh!? That masked super loser almost tried to kill me when we first met, remember!? What, are you saying my life isn't worth standing up for but Joe Average's is?"
"O-Of course not! That's not what I was implying in the slightest!" Wiz promptly insisted with a flustered look, something I much preferred to her unnerving stoic stare. "I was simply making the point that I would personally prefer not to start conflict! I-I did speak to Vanir after he attempted to kill you. But it seemed he had simply come to terms with the event on his own!"
Normally this'd be the part where I would harrumph and make a biting remark to further put Wiz in her place, asserting myself as the big bad instead of the Devil King. However, a certain someone suddenly came to mind…
Darkness…
If I really wanted us to finally make amends, bullying Wiz here probably wouldn't win me any favors in her eyes. And besides, for how annoying and pure she might be…at least she was willing to tell Vanir off for trying to murder me. Not only that, but we did kinda agree to let bygones be bygones prior.
…
I sighed, "It's fine, Wiz, you're fine. I'm just…still waking up I guess. I mean, this is the second time I passed out during a huge fight."
"Third, remember the Destroyer?" Megumin rudely butted in.
"That happened AFTER we disarmed it! I don't count that one!"
"Still marking it down, I count it as relevant data," Alexis chimed in with a smirk, likely saving the information away in some database to torment me with at a later date. "Plus, now we have to see if the odds hold up next time you four get into a fight. It truly is a curious pattern."
I buried my face in my hands to muffle my embarrassed groan.
"W-well, at any rate…it's alright, Jack. I understand how that might've offended you. I should've phrased myself better," Wiz admitted with a sigh. "But even so, you and your friends are still adventurers. You all knowingly and willingly signed up for a dangerous career where death is a very real possibility. So while I can't stand the thought of the Devil King's forces vanquishing you in battle, it's the thought of them slaughtering harmless civilians I can't stand even more…"
Anybody gonna tell her Aqua has the ability to resurrect the dead? No? Well, can't say I really blame 'em. I mean, it's not like I wanna end up dying anyway. Once was enough already, thank you.
"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture," I replied with a dismissive wave, wanting to put this conversation to bed and instead moving on to something more pressing. "So once Aqua's finished with her purifying, is this 'vacation' over? I can't say I enjoy the thought of sticking around this city any longer than necessary."
"As far as I'm concerned, we're heading home as soon as she finishes up," Megumin huffed as she moved to begin packing her new clothes. "And this time, I don't care how long or hard she cries over it. We tried out the main attraction, bought a few things that weren't soap, even saved the city from a Demon General. I just wanna leave this crazy place and never look back. For good."
"Unfortunately, I must concur. While the sights were beautiful and the locals delightfully ruthless…" Darkness hummed, briefly folding to her horny instincts before clearing her throat and straightening herself out. "It's likely in our best interest to leave as soon as possible and return home."
Wiz neither agreed nor objected to our decision. So we didn't bother asking for her opinion and just took her silence as confirmation enough. It wouldn't surprise me if even she was starting to get sick of these Axis losers. Speaking of which…
"Hey, where's that other blonde chick?"
"You mean Cecily? She went with the others to watch Aqua do her purification," Megumin replied with a shrug before snapping her fingers in realization and tagging on, "Oh yeah, she also raided the limo for all the popcorn it had and scurried away."
"OH C'MON!" I shouted in frustration, causing both Megumin and Alexis to snort in response. "What!? What's so damn funny!?"
"I mean, for one, it's just a food processor. You can always make more, there's no real loss," Alexis snickered in response. "You're surprisingly fired up over popped corn of all things. Is it truly such a big deal that the little weirdo took advantage of some snacks?"
"Kinda, yeah. Especially since she acted all superior and full of herself," I grumbled irritably. "Everyone back home always took advantage of me while being so arrogant about it. Annoys the hell out of me. It's why I just want to get out of this dump already. I am this close to throttling a cultist by now."
"A-Anyway! Perhaps one of us should go check up on Aqua? Ensure she isn't riling up the locals again?" Darkness hastily suggested.
"Good idea," Megumin hummed before snapping her fingers at my CameraBot. "Spiels, finish packing my bags for me. Alexis, Wiz, and I are going out for damage-control."
"Right away, ma'am!" Spielberg chirped all too pleasantly with a salute to boot.
"HEY! Never tell MY robots what to do…anyway, Spielberg, if you could help us pack, that'd be great."
"Right away, sir!" Spielberg chirped with basically no change in tone, repeating the salute and making his way over to the bags and doing as instructed. The girls gradually filtered out of the room, leaving just me, my robot, and Dark. I started to get anxious when she didn't make any attempt to leave with the others.
"You're not going with them?" I tried to ask in my most casual voice. It still sounded forced.
"I wasn't planning on it, no. I actually wanted to speak with you. In private," She replied simply, before casting Spielberg a thoughtful look and shrugging. "I know your bots well enough that I'm confident this is as private as we'll manage."
"Y-Yeah, yeah. They won't go blabbing like Aqua. They're cool like that."
I lazily observed my CameraBot continue packing Megumin's clothes only to be interrupted when her cat suddenly popped out of the pile he made. Wonder where she was during last night's chaos? Probably hiding under Megumin's hat or something…
I'm just stalling for time right now, aren't I?
"Jack, I believe that we have an obvious matter to discuss." Darkness replied, folding her hands together and leaning forward in her seat. She took a deep breath, giving me at least some reassurance knowing that she was nervous too. "You and I have more or less been at odds since the…events at my father's estate."
Despite my own nervousness and desperate yearning to earn her forgiveness, my hands gripped the sheets tightly in annoyance.
"Yeah…we have…"
"It's strange, isn't it? Just how hard it is to put these things into words…" She mused after a beat. A small smile graced her features as she shook her head, hands still interlaced. "I never assumed it to be easy of course, but I'm still struggling to know how to go about this. All this time giving each other space and yet I didn't think to come up with any kind of speech."
"Heh, you and me both…" I chuckled lightly in spite of myself. Knowing she wasn't exempt from the awkwardness of the situation helped ease my worries somewhat. "I…well, you and I are well aware I'm not exactly the bestest with words."
"…I'm sorry, did you mean to say 'best' or 'greatest'?" Darkness hesitantly asked.
"…crap," I moaned in my hands. Eris, stop torturing me and just take me out of this world already.
Despite my utter agony, I noticed that Darkness had gone quiet following my reply. Glancing up, I realized that she had been struggling to hold laughter, to which I shot her a piercing glare in response. Which ultimately led to her breaking and releasing a short but genuine chuckle.
"You sure you aren't secretly a sadist underneath that masochistic exterior?" I said while struggling to keep my glare up. Maybe it was just in her nature to be bratty as that'd encourage people to take advantage of her submissive tendencies. Her father did spoil her, after all.
"I'm reserving the right to refuse to answer such questions, thank you." She replied swiftly with a small smile, one that gradually faded as she sighed again. She looked back up to me with a serious expression, but also an uncertain one. "Jack…I miss being able to talk like this. To engage in our usual banter, to just be around each other. No tension, no underlying strife. Just two friends doing what friends would do."
I sighed heavily in relief, even as a weird part of my mind felt hurt when she referred to us as friends (as in, what we're supposed to be). "Good, so I wasn't alone in thinking that. I miss this too, Dark. I never wanted to upset you back then. For a while, I was starting to worry that you'd…you'd…"
"I'd what?" She prompted with her head tilt curiously. I instinctively pulled my knees up to my chest on the bed and avoided looking at her.
"That you'd hate me…or leave the party or somethin'…"
I couldn't meet her gaze once I said that. Fought hard not to look up when I heard her sigh again, worried that I'd find some form of confirmation in response. I heard her move from where she'd been sitting and my anxiety skyrocketed as I felt the bed sink a bit beside me. I glanced in her direction off of that, and as I finally met Darkness's eyes, she spoke again.
"That is ridiculous. I'm almost ashamed you even think of me as being so vain as to resent or leave you."
She said that without a dirty look or blush in sight…
I lunged at her as I sobbed hysterically into her breast plate. I couldn't hold in any longer.
Time seems to lose all meaning to me whenever I get like this, as embarrassing as it is. It felt like things went by in a teary-filled blur as I choked back my own sobs while Darkness held me tight, patting my back and whispering how everything was alright. It all felt dangerously similar to my last meltdown back at Keele's Dungeon, and I didn't know whether to take comfort in that thought or be ashamed of it.
Who even knows anymore. I'm just so sick of being a crybaby…
Eventually, like with all emotional breaking points, I managed to settle down. I still didn't move from my spot, though, and thankfully Darkness didn't seem like she was in a big rush herself, just continuing to comfort me.
"S-Sorry for c-crying for like the m-millionth time this month…" I hiccupped almost bitterly into her armor.
"Don't be. There's nothing wrong with needing to express your emotions," She assured me patiently, her own voice tinged with the slightest hint of weakness as well. "If anything, it means a lot that you're willing to be emotional around me and the others. It shows a great deal of trust, and I appreciate that."
"B-But…guys aren't supposed to cry though," I weakly argued back. "It's what people always make fun of me for. I'm not allowed to- -"
"Jack, anyone who made fun of you for crying is a pitiful fool that deserves none of your attention," Darkness interjected swiftly, tone firm and certain while still keeping the evident care and concern audible. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with being upset, and you are more than allowed to cry when you need to. Am I understood?"
Realizing there was no point in trying to convince the crusader otherwise, I simply sighed and nodded in resignation.
"Good. I wasn't going to stand for the contrary. Honestly, I can't believe people actually mocked you for simply expressing yourself. I'm someone who enjoys being insulted and yet even I'm offended! Was it those monks again?"
Reluctantly pulling myself away from Darkness's chest (thank god she was wearing that concealing breastplate), I sniffled before wiping my eyes with my sleeve. "Mostly, yeah…I mean, to be fair, I'm supposed to be the 'big strong bad guy', right? Of course they'd mock me for crying in public."
"Well, regardless, you won't have to deal with such things in the future. I promise that if such suggestions are made by anyone else, the rest of the party and I will not tolerate it," She assured me once more, expression still quite serious. That is until a tiny smirk formed. "I'm sure that if anyone has the gall to make fun of you, it should at least be your close friends."
I let out a weak snort despite the snot that had accumulated in my nose during my sob fest. She did kind of have a point, after; we really weren't afraid to shit on each other. I guess…I guess that's just the sort of dumb stuff friends do on a daily basis.
"Yeah, I guess you're right…" I agreed softly before daring to gaze back at Darkness. "So…this means you really don't hate me or plan to leave?"
"No, I don't hate you. Nor do I plan to leave," Darkness confirmed with a slight eye roll, smiling just a bit while she turned to face me. "I was upset with you, true, but I never planned to leave everyone behind because of it. We've come too far together for me to even fathom the idea."
I let out a breath I was involuntarily holding in, chuckling to myself in near hysteria for a moment. My worst fear wasn't coming to pass after all!
"That's a relief. I'm not sure what I would've done otherwise…" I admitted lightly. But, in an attempt to appear stronger than how I really was, I gave my teammate a warning glare. "Because once you go Jack, you never go back! So don't forget that, ya hear!?"
"That is a positively horrendous phrase. I'll be sure to commit it to memory," Darkness assured me, chuckling again and shaking her head in clear amusement. "I won't abandon you or the others. I swear on my oath as a crusader."
I nodded fervently, slowly growing more and more happy at the wonderful news. "Right, right. And I promise I won't abandon you or the others. No fingers crossed or nothin'!"
As I beamed before the crusader before, I noticed her soft smile disappearing as she tore her gaze away in an unsubtle fashion. Was she seriously – ?
"Oh, I see. That's…wonderful to hear."
Yup, she was.
"Oh, c'mon, Dark. Don't even kid yourself. You were the one begging me not to leave you guys high and dry last night. I know by now you're not thatmuch of a masochist."
"I-It's not something I control, Jack! I don't choose what gets me…e-excited like that!" She huffed in defiance, sending me a weak glare that didn't convey a fraction of the anger it was meant to. "The heart wants what it wants!"
I snorted, "Hey, if guys have to learn to keep their boners in check, you need to learn to keep your…'lady boner' in check."
"JACK!" She squawked. "You know, normally this would be the part where you assure the flustered woman that she's fine just the way she is. Not talk about b-b-b-b-b-boy parts!"
"…you do know this is me we're talking about, right?"
"You absolute scumbag – that tears it! Give me back my sweet moment!"
"Oh, no can do. Dust in the wind at this point," I replied with a smirk and crossed arms. "If you wanted the sweet moment to stick around, you should've kept your mind out of the gutter."
The moment Darkness lunged at me and pinned me down with her gorilla strength, I realized I may have bitten off more than I could chew.
"Hey! No fair!" I grunted as I tried and failed to break free from her grip. "You know I'm weaker than you! CameraBot: HELP!"
"Sorry, sir! But I'm preoccupied packing the bags! I'll be sure to lend my assistance once I'm finished! Now where is that other sock…?"
"Aw c'mooon!" I whined before noticing Chomusuke climbing up on the bed next to me. "Kitty! Kitty! Pspsps! Come help me and I'll give you a treat!"
Chomusuke glanced at me. Then at Darkness. Then back at me as if analyzing the situation. Before I could say anything else, a smug grin eerily similar to its owner's grew on the feline's face. She simply walked over, bopped my nose once, and meandered off the bed to do who knows what.
Something told me that was payback for admitting I was more of a dog person…
"Nice try, Jack. But with your scrawny arms, there's no way you're escaping me that easily," Darkness taunted, making me cease my squirming for a second. She actually had the gall to taunt me…and I don't know whether to feel insulted or proud! "Your usual cowardly tactics won't help you now!"
"Oh yeah? Well how about dirty tactics then? DRAIN TOUCH!"
My hand lashed out, having gotten free with enough wiggling, and I grabbed onto her wrist where her armor ended. Unfortunately, the second the spell started, an all too sultry moan escaped Dark's mouth, making us both go completely still. And as we were now totally silent, it just now dawned on us how…close our current positioning was.
Darkness proceeded to release me without any fanfare, sitting straight up and with her hands firmly folded neatly in her lap. I slowly sat up too and instinctually scooted away from her just a tiny bit. I'm almost sure that the both of us were trying to suppress our own blushes.
"I, um…apologize," Darkness eventually murmured. "I shouldn't have pinned you down like that. Sometimes my emotions can…get the better of me."
I awkwardly coughed. "Y-Yeah, uh, I get it. No biggie."
The silence that followed was already proving to be unbearable. I had to break it now.
"Anyway…I'm sorry too."
Darkness turned her head to me, confused. "For what?"
I sighed heavily. "You know…for breaking your trust."
"Ah, right…well, apology accepted," She replied with a small smile, nodding in understanding as just a tiny bit of tension left her shoulders. "I know it was never your intention to hurt me in that way. While I still don't approve of your actions, I recognize they did not hold any ill will, and I assume that in the future you'll be more forthcoming."
"Oh yeah, for sure!" I nodded immediately and frantically, not wanting to waste this opportunity to maybe reform our trust. "From now on, I'm going to keep my evil stuff out of your family's business. Even if what I did was technically meant to only serve as a boon to them and us. BUT! I won't push it any further. It was a bit of a gamble the first go-around anyway."
Darkness just sort of stared at me for a moment. It was the same type of stare I'd get from people whenever I speak without thinking first. Something Wuya was never shy to remind me of.
"…I suppose that's as good as I'm going to get coming from you."
I narrowed my eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, nothing! Water under the bridge!" She replied with a smile in a wholly unconvincing tone. Normally I'd press more, but since we'd just rekindled our friendship, I'll be the bigger bad guy and let it slide. "Regardless, the point is we're finally back to normal. That's something to celebrate."
Any droplet of annoyance I had at her completely evaporated at that point. I smiled somewhat bashfully as I tried to keep my happy chuckles in check. Knowing that Darkness was willing to let bygones be bygones brought down a tidal wave of relief on me. The only other feeling that could even compare was the warm fuzzies I get from doing something evil.
Although, this time, I think I'll respect Dark's wishes and leave my amoral nature out of her personal affairs. For real this time. It's the least I could do to make it up to her.
…
That being said-
"Hey – I just realized something!"
Darkness blinked at me. "Oh? What's that?"
I pointed dramatically in her face. "It's funny how quick you were to give me shit for pursuing my own 'ridiculous dream'. Yet, if memory serves, wasn't it you that also had a crazy dream you wished to pursue?"
Darkness began sweating bullets as she whipped her head away. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Hmmm, now what was this crusader's life ambition again…?" I asked aloud in a rhetorical manner, getting a cheap thrill from turning the tables on her for once. A week of Darkness high-roading the hell out of me was a week too long. I felt I earned a little payback (plus she's obviously enjoying it too).
"D-D-D-Don't you dare go down this path, Spicer…!"
"Oh yeah, I remember! It had something to do with being the Devil King's weird sex toy or something, wasn't it!?"
She took the bait. "T-THAT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! And also you had more than enough time to come back with that one! Too little, too late!"
I laughed in a half evil, half jovial kind of way. Darkness merely stewed in her own embarrassment and masochism. We both missed this. It was good to be back.
Before I could rib into my double-standard buddy any further, the door to our room suddenly slammed open, and in stumbled the occasionally useful goddess herself. She was looking frazzled before noticing us in front of her, upon which she hastily put on a smile and greeted us.
"Uh…hey guys!" She chirped forcefully. "Sooooooooo…we may have a small problem."
"What did you do?" Darkness and I grilled in near perfect unison. Not gonna lie, it gave me goosebumps and I kinda love it!
Dropping all semblance of playing dumb, the blue ninny went on another one of her usual blubbering rants. It was too unintelligible to make out clearly, I was only able to make out a, "It wasn't my fault!" here or there. Thankfully, the rest of the girls that went out to get here weren't far behind and made themselves present before long.
"Anyone mind telling me how this dunderhead screwed up this time?" I asked rather impatiently since nothing gets on my nerves more than Aqua's fuckups. "Oh, and by the way, Darkness and I patched things up now. So we're cool again."
"Nice! Just wish it came at a less turbulent moment, but we can roll with it," Alexis replied with a similarly forced smile as Wiz and Megumin frantically tried to move the bags while gesturing for Dark and I to assist. "Well, to summarize: it appears Aqua performed a little too well at the springs and purified their holy water into regular water. As you can imagine, the locals aren't happy about it."
Before I could even begin to process how a holy being could make holy water "too holy", the age-old sound of an angry mob made itself known.
Stepping over to the window, I glared down at a sizable crowd of Axis twits yelling in front of the building. And to think I actually let Darkness guilt-trip into trying to save these ingrates!
Pulling open the window, I leaned out over the edge. "HEY! What're you losers complaining about!? We saved your stupid city! You should be worshiping the ground we walk on!"
"Your idiotic priestess ruined our baths! And the rest of you scum have been duping us since you arrived!" One particular cultist shouted, before unfurling a weird scroll thing and waving it at me. "We have hundreds of false signatures from you and your heathen friends, 'Mike Oxsmall'!"
I broke out into a cold sweat.
"I'd also like to have a word with one 'Peter Parker' in your party!" A nun of some sort demanded, holding up several more of those damn recruitment forms, all already signed. "Oh, I'm sorry, was it actually 'Joe Mama'? Or 'Hugh Jazz'? Or even 'Amanda Hugenkiss'! There can't possibly be this many people in your group!"
I turned to look at my friends, half weighing my next words and half trying to gauge just how much of this was split between us. Megumin and Alexis both looked just as nervous, so that checked out. I knew I should've expected those fake names to come back and bite us eventually.
Slowly turning my gaze back down at the mob before me, I cleared my throat before making my public statement:
"Okay, I see now that you're all a little upset about that. However, in my defense…you were all super annoying and making you say all those fake names was really funny karma!"
Silence fell onto the crowd, and for a second there, I thought the old Jack Spicer charm did its magic…
Until I got beaned in the face with a rotten tomato. Oh, excuse me, I meant the corpse of a small monster since veggies count as living creatures in this world.
Wiping the vile substance off my face, I turned to the others with an expression I couldn't begin to sum up given just how done I was with this stupid city. Instead, I kept my next words plain and simple, with no room for argument.
"We are so out of here..."