It was moments like these where I wonder why on earth I didn't make earmuffs for myself.

After being chased out of Crazies 'R' Us by an angry mob of Axis cultists, Aqua predictably started crying and whining. She was upset that she had "failed" her followers (even though she arguably did more for them than they did for her) but she was also pissed that they didn't believe she was their goddess after purifying the hot springs a little too well. So naturally, being stuck in a confined vehicle flying back home meant we were the only outlet she had to vent.

And vent she did…for hours on end…in a shrill voice that puts Wuya to shame.

"I can't believe that after EVERYTHING I did for them, they ran me out of town like some kinda low life criminal! I'm a goddess, dammit! I deserve to be treated accordingly!" Aqua flailed around with about as much grace as a fish on land. "How could my own followers forsake me like this?!"

"Aqua…" I murmured helplessly on the seats, still shocked I could even hear myself speak after all the noise. "Could you please dial it back on the ear-splitting screams…?"

"I'm inclined to agree," Darkness chimed in while rubbing her own ears. "At first, the pain you were inflicting on my eardrums was pleasurable. But now it's become little more than a dull ache at this point. Not only that but…your voice is rather annoying."

"Yeah, and it's not just your bitching and moaning either," Megumin added irritably, using her own pet as a sort of makeshift earmuff to wrap around the back of her head to reach both of her ears (kinda feel sorry for it). "With how much you've been crying, we've had to move Wiz to the passenger seat because your tears were threatening to purify her!"

The lich in question waved shyly from the front seat alongside Alexis, who seemed to find the entire conversation immensely amusing. Probably because she could tune the frequency of Aqua's shrieks out of her audio receptors.

"Oh yeah!? Well…well…she shouldn't have been in the way of my tears!" Aqua rebuked pitifully as she wiped her runny nose with her sleeve. "B-Besides, Jack is no better! He cries just as much as me, if not more!"

"HEY! I only cry SOME of the time!" I sat up to say. "And unlike you, it doesn't take me hours to bounce back! Only half an hour AT MOST!"

"Okay, we get it. You both cry sometimes. Some more heavily than others," Megumin groaned, raking a hand down her face while Chomusuke squirmed and escaped her grip to join Wiz up front. "Now can you both just ZIP IT!? Let's at least get a few minutes of silence in before we get back home."

"He/She started it!" We both said accidentally at the same time while pointing the accusing finger at one another.

Alexis, who had remained silent throughout this hell on earth, chuckled darkly. "Y'know, if that hairbrained scheme to take out Hans went tits up, you probably could've argued in front of him like this for hours and eventually made him kill himself. Would've been a damn entertaining win in the books if you ask me…"

When none of us responded to that random bit of dark comedy for a solid ten seconds, Alexis defended herself. "Look, if you're allowed to curse my dead scumbag of a creator, then I'm allowed to indulge in gallows humor. I get that you 'bad guys' can be hypocrites sometimes, but don't give me the silent treatment when you've made tasteless jokes yourself."

"I literally didn't say anything!" I countered with my hands raised. "Where is this coming from?"

Alexis sighed as she returned her gaze back up front. "Sorry, sorry. I guess your friend's constant whining got to me too. Didn't mean to bite your head off…"

"I get it. You're not the only one on edge," I reassured before trying to lighten the mood by changing the subject. "But hey! We've crossed off another Demon General on our hit list! And while we were on vacation no less…provided you put, like, a million air quotes around that."

Aqua just couldn't help herself and grumbled, "Yeah, but what good is that when your own followers basically disown you without them even realizing it…?"

"Okay, seriously, why are you this worked up over those losers? Sure, they didn't realize or believe you were really their goddess which is understandable enough. But they were quick to chase you out over a simple mistake! And that was after saving their ungrateful asses! Why do you care so much about their opinion!?"

"Because they're opinions matter to me, dummy! Even if they don't know or believe I'm their goddess, it doesn't make me less of their goddess!" She huffed, crossing her arms and pouting as she sunk back into her seat. "If your robots somehow all forgot that you were their creator, and then got mad at you when you insisted you were, wouldn't you be upset too?!"

"No, because that would mean there's something wrong with their memory banks and then I'd reprogram them to remember."

"WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH! YOU DON'T GET IT! How can you be so cruel!? I know you're a villain, but still! My followers mean the world to me and you don't even care! Even someone as dense as Darkness or Megumin knows when to be considerate of others' feelings!"

Of course, now that they'd been dragged into it, Darkness and Megumin spared each other matching looks of irritation before scooting to either side of the blubbering mess and pinching her cheeks without mercy.

"Ow-ow-OW! Shtop ittttt! Shtop with the pinchies! What did I ever do to you!?"

Sighing at my team's usual brand of insanity, I left them to it as I quietly scooted closer to the front seats to get some peace of mind. With Chomusuke having escaped her owner for the time being, our little mascot decided to keep Wiz company, the lich naturally being more than okay with the arrangement as she played with the feline. She even let her paw at her massive – WOAH MAMAS!

"Hm? Oh, Jack! I didn't see you there. Is everything alright?" Wiz had the gall to ask innocently as I quickly whipped my head away to hide my burning face.

"Wiz…seriously?" Was all I could muster up in response.

"Oh? Is something the matter, boss?" Alexis hummed, catching my eye in the rear view mirror with a tone all too similar to the one she used when teasing Darkness and I. "You look awfully flushed back there. Something catch your eye perhaps?"

"Shut…UP…" I hissed through clenched teeth as I closed my eyes to avoid glancing at Wiz when I heard her making a confused noise my way. Seriously, how was she not putting two and two together by now!? "I was just coming up to ask how much longer till we make it home. I love my friends, but if I have to put up with their shenanigans in a confined space for any longer, I'm jumping outta this car and flying myself home."

"Goodness, so tense! I can help with that later, if need be~" Alexis teased with a wink, pointedly ignoring my following sputter as she glanced down, seeming to check the GPS. "Well, if you're so desperate to get out, I got good news. Our ETA is five minutes if no random storm clouds show up out of nowhere."

"Don't tempt my god-awful luck…" I mumbled. And as I turned back around to rejoin the peanut gallery, I said to Alexis, "Just get us there quickly and try not to think with your other…non-existent head like Darkness…could've worded that better."

"Read you loud and clear, boss!" Alexis replied with a big old grin and a thumbs up, instantly letting me know that she wasn't about to let up on the teasing anytime soon. My worries were instantly proven right as she immediately turned to Wiz and asked, "Hey, if I put this thing on autopilot, you wanna see which of us is bigger!?"

That was my cue to remotely override the dashboard controls and roll up the soundproof window between us. And while I could no longer hear what was going down on the other side, I just knew Alexis was cackling up a storm. The sadist.

"Man, since when did being evil get so…weirdly horny?"

"Dude, I gotta be real: I think it always has been and you've just never noticed it until now," Megumin chimed, twiddling her staff while Darkness continued to scold Aqua. "I mean, it feels like it's been a pretty consistent element since at least Darkness joined the team. Maybe the evil business is hornier than you think?"

"No way, evil apprentice. Back on Earth, evil was so much more than that! Sure, you had your sexy immortal lizard men, your curvy barefooted witches, your blonde chicks in skintight…latex…catsuits."

As M-Bomb continued to stare passively at me with an unconvinced look, I allowed myself to sink to the floor and cup my hands over my head as the horrifying revelation dawned on me:

"My life's been one step away from being a porno shoot…"

With what sounded like an amused snort, Megumin patted my back and reassured me. "Well, between our crusader's slutty nature, our archpriest's short-ass miniskirt, and…Alexis, at least you can rest easy knowing I don't dip into lewd territory."

"True. At least I have one genuine safe zone," I admitted, not ready to come to terms with the fact that the running theme of horny villainy had apparently stuck with meeven after I crossed worlds. "Ugh, I'm gonna need to decompress after we get back home. Hopefully, the boys have kept everything in tip-top shape."

But before we could fly straight to our house, we first needed to unload some "heavy" cargo (these horny thoughts are going to plague my mind for a while). Once Axel Town was on the horizon, Alexis gradually landed the limo down to the ground and retracted the antigrav wings in favor of the wheels. From there, it was a simple drive to get to Wiz's shop.

Side note: it always brought a smug smile to my face whenever I looked out the windows and saw the awe-stricken faces of the locals. They probably thought my ride was some kind of "horseless carriage" or something primitive and stupid. And while it seems the townsfolk were slowly getting more and more used to it, clearly it was still taking a while for them to adjust to my eccentric brand of genius.

"Ah, home sweet home. Good to be back," Megumin sighed, drawing Aqua and Darkness out of whatever conversation they were having for them to finally notice we were on the road. "In ten minutes time, we'll kick back and get a good night's sleep in our own beds again. Best possible upgrade from that crummy hotel."

"It wasn't that bad…" Aqua grumbled.

"You just liked it 'cuz it had that graffitied portrait of Eris," I said casually without glancing back at her. "And while I'm not a big fan of her myself, I still think the body shaming was a bit much."

"While I am biased as a follower of Eris, I must agree with Jack," Darkness chimed in pointedly. Meanwhile, I let out a tired sigh as I waited for the statement that was soon to follow like clockwork. "If you ever need to shame or degrade anyone, I am the obvious choice you can make use of in the future."

"Yeah, like why don't you save some of those globs of chest fat for the rest of us…" Megumin mumbled to herself, and unfortunately I just happened to be close enough to catch that. When she noticed me giving her a look, she raised a brow. "What? Can't a young girl dream of having a mature body some day?"

Eventually, we rolled up in front of Wiz's shop, and I rolled the window back down for a status report from Alexis and the lich in question. "Well, this is our first stop. Guess we should say our goodbyes, be courteous and whatnot."

"Why, thank you, Jack," Wiz said with a pleasant smile, making me cringe at the sentiment. Kind is not the word to describe a super evil genius like me. "Here, I should hand Megumin's familiar back over. She's such a nice kitty!"

"Yeah, she definitely seemed to like you…a lot…" Megumin grumbled, taking Chomusuke back while the cat writhed in her hands, seemingly irritated to be torn away from her "fun" so soon. Lucky little monster…

Damn, maybe I should seriously reconsider giving the Succubus Shop another chance; this was proving to be too much to handle. I'd just have to work up the nerve to show my face there again. But what if they've been talking about me? About how I never got my pre-ordered wet dream and didn't come back for it? Is that…frowned upon by the workers and patrons over there? Did I offend them by my inaction? Am I a laughing stock within that establishment now? These are the questions that have kept me from coming back honestly…

A-Anyway, as I was focusing on not letting my blush show, a grating voice I had hoped to avoid bellowed the moment Wiz opened her door to step out of the car.

"Ho-ho-HO! Moi thought he tasted something despairingly delectable today! Thank you kindly for the meal, sexually repressed bisexual and flat-as-a-pancake mage girl!"

Instantly, the mood in the limo changed. Aqua bristled while Megumin and I groaned in annoyance. Naturally, Darkness capped our reactions off with a textbook look of embarrassed excitement. I was getting uncomfortably good at pinning down her exact reactions to certain scenarios.

"Oh – Vanir!" Wiz called out excitedly for some reason once she finally fought her out of the simple seatbelt and got out of the vehicle. "Hi, it's me! I'm home early!"

"Hmm? Oh," Vanir said flatly. "Moi should've suspected that palpable aura of financial ruin was coming from you."

"H-Hey! Don't treat me as though I'm a burden!" She retorted with an almost…playful pout of all things? I don't think I'll ever understand their relationship.

"Yes, well, it'd be much easier for Moi to treat you kinder if you didn't have us on the thin line of bankruptcy consistently," Vanir responded with a pointed look through his dumb mask. "Regardless, Moi supposes it's good that you've returned safely. How was your trip with our mutual 'friends'?"

Before his business partner could say anything, Vanir held his hand right up in her face and shook his head.

"Don't tell Moi, he already gleaned most of it from your mind the moment you arrived and made all the money Moi earned shiver from your presence."

"Oh, now what did I tell you about reading my mind without permission? It's an invasion of privacy you know!" Wiz lightly scolded with a finger wag. It was amazing to me that this was the same woman who nearly brought frozen Armageddon down on Hans back in Arcanletia. Talk about a complete 180 in her personality.

"Yeah, stick to your own mind, thank you very much!" Aqua chided obnoxiously from behind me. "Keep your crummy demon brainwaves out of our friend's crummy undead head, ya hear?!"

Surprisingly, instead of sighing or making a clever retort at our bigoted airhead, Vanir simply cupped his chin as he stared at Wiz in a contemplative manner of sorts.

"Hmm…so Hans kicked the proverbial bucket now, huh? Interesting…"

Then, in a move which admittedly made my blood run cold, Vanir snapped his gaze in my direction. I know I've never respected him as a true villain ever since he shared his long-term goals with me, but it was hard to deny the fact that he was still a powerful immortal. And the less said about immortals, the better.

"W-W-What're you lookin' at…? P-Punk!" I said in defiance, wincing at how pitiful it came out.

Either due to my obvious nervousness or regardless of it, Vanir quickly shifted his expression back to his usual cocky grin. "Oh nothing~! Moi was just thinking about how you bravely fled from Hans' poison attacks whilst making your companions do all the work for you, further proving Moi's assessment that you are indeed a non-threat! HAHAHAHA!"

"Wha-HEY! That's not fair!" I sputtered, trying to juggle the multiple layers of bullshit the demon just hurled my way. On one hand, I had no desire to be referred to as cowardly or weak, but bravery was a fine line that rode all too close to heroism, so it kinda required balancing. With that said, I struggled to tack on a proper conclusion to my protest, unfortunately settling on, "Your mask looks stupid!"

"Biting wit as always, Mr. Spicer," The masked asshole (mask-hole, that's what I should've gone with!) chuckled sarcastically. "Well, it was nice seeing you, if only for the succulent negative emotions you cook up. Moi extends his gratitude once again for taking this destitute shopkeeper off his hands for a while. For once, Moi was actually able to turn a profit while she was gone!"

Of course, while Vanir tormented me, Wiz said her goodbyes to the rest of the girls before idly ambling off back into the shop without the demon noticing. Ten seconds couldn't have passed before a loud crash rang out from inside, followed by a meek, "Uh-oh, that looked expensive…"

To my utter delight, the alleged mind-reader let loose an agonized groan as he apparently didn't foresee that. "And just like that, we're back in the red again…"

"Have fun with that~!" Aqua chimed in a sickeningly sweet tone, actually holding up against the demon's withering glare as she waved mockingly. "Nice to be on this side of the suffering for a change."

"Oh? Is that so, goddess who got kicked out of her own town of worship because her followers thought she was a crackpot anarchist?" The demon countered with a tone of his own.

Naturally, Aqua sputtered at the low blow before sticking her hand out the window to try and purify Vanir yet again. And…it actually worked!?

"HAH! Got 'em!" Aqua cheered triumphantly as his ashes fell to the ground. But hang on now…where was the mask?

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. It seems Moi gave you too much credit after all."

With a startled squawk, Aqua fell back into the cabin when Vanir's head popped down from above the car door window. "You only got Moi the first time because he was too busy to notice your lacking presence. Moi is still as fast as he is sharp. In fact, Moi decided to be nice and let you feel good about yourself when you obliterated that empty shell of Moi that Moi made in under a nanosecond."

"What are you, a cicada now!?" I couldn't help but shout.

"What Moi is, Spicer, is competent," Vanir replied simply, somersaulting off of my car and standing at the threshold of his shop before waving us off in a dismissive manner. "For now, this is farewell! Good luck with whatever pitiful tasks await you when you return home!"

"I hate that loser…" I grumbled as Alexis rolled up the windows and began driving us home.

"Join the club…" Aqua murmured, adopting my current position of crossing my arms while hugging my legs in annoyance.

"I-I don't think he's all that bad…" Darkness shyly added.

"See, this is where the trouble of your 'preferences' comes in, Dark," Megumin deadpanned from her own seat. "Do you say that because you genuinely think he's not that bad, or because he is bad and that's good for your tastes?"

"…yes…?"

We all just groaned even as our hopeless, degenerate friend attempted to restore what little dignity she had left on the way home.

After an uneventful five minute ride, we finally rolled up to the main gate of the mansion, where I was all too quick to crack open the door and step out. Maybe I'd managed to grow a bit sentimental, because it sure as hell felt great to be home!

"Oi, boss!" I heard Alexis cry, and turning around I saw her unceremoniously holding up Spielberg's inactive form. "Forgetting someone?"

Oh yeah, right, my CameraBot. Once Aqua began crying on the flight home, he requested me to flip the off switch on the back of his head until we got home. It was one of the few times in my life where I wished I had an off switch for myself.

"Ah, right! Thanks for the reminder, Alexis!" I replied with a slight chuckle, gently taking back the bot before flipping his switch and letting him boot back up, watching as he hovered out of my hands and came back online. "Welcome back, Spielberg! All systems go?"

"You know it, Jack!" The CameraBot cheered jovially while giving me a mechanical claws up. "I must say, whenever Aqua starts crying, it's one of the rare moments in my life where I actually welcome having my off switch flipped!"

"Way to rub it in…" I mumbled to myself.

While Aqua leered at the newly reactivated bot with newfound irritation, the rest of the girls stepped out of the limo as well, everyone seemingly getting back into the swing of things. At long last, after what was supposed to be our chance to get away from things, it at least seemed like we were gonna have some time to relax.

"AHA! There you are, Megumin! Now we can finally have our long-awaited final duel…a-again!"

I stifled a groan whereas Megumin let hers all out. "By the gods, Yunyun, I literally just got back home!"

Sure enough, squeaking nervously at our front gate was Megumin's longtime "rival", carrying with her what looked to be fruit baskets or something. Naturally, her partner wasn't too far behind as Satou followed her with that usual devil-may-care vibe of his. Though, if I'm not mistaken, he did seem to lighten up slightly when he spotted us, almost as if he was caught off guard for whatever reason.

Well, anyway, as much as I didn't want to bother with them right now, it was admittedly refreshing to have two certified sane people back in my life (relatively speaking). The least I could do was greet them.

"Heeeey, Satou! Yun! Nothing says vacation over like seeing your sorry faces! How ya guys been?"

"Charming as ever, Spicer. We've been fine, thank you for asking. Actually, I wasn't aware you guys were outta town," Satou greeted with a wry grin before nodding to his partner. "Yunyun and I swung by yesterday. She got discouraged when you guys never came out to meet her. Had a whole challenge speech and everything."

"And let me guess: she bought those gift baskets for us because she's desperate for validation?" Megumin asked cynically.

"N-NO! Of course not! These are, uh…c-consolation prizes for when I best you in our match of the century! Yeah, that's it!" Yunyun defended in an unconvincing manner. "Even if you were never a good sport and always rubbed your victories in my face, the least I could do was take the moral highroad and offer you something nice as a sign of respect."

"Oh yeah? And what exactly is respectful about preparing a loser prize to your opponent in advance?"

"…I paid good money for these gift baskets, okay!?"

I snickered to myself at the two Crimson Demons' pissing contest and casually slid next to Satou. Before I could think of something to say to him, though, I noticed how he seemed oddly fixated on Alexis, probably because this was technically the first time he'd ever seen her. But more importantly…

"Hey, uh, do you need a tissue or something, man? Your nose is kinda bleeding…"

"Ah…yeah, sure, tissue…" He muttered, pulling me to the side and turning us away from the others, lowering his tone with his next words. "Dude, who the hell is the babe you got to drive your limo?! How did you manage that one?!"

Oh…OOOHHH, I see how this is now~

"Feelin' a little jelly, are we?" I teased with a light grin before explaining. "Remember that one quest we took a while back about exploring some ruins a golem was guarding? Well, turns out, it was actually a gundam guarding the old lab of that dumbass who invented the Destroyer. He cleared out most of his shit except for this one robot girl who we've more or less adopted. We call her Alexis."

"Woah, really? She looks totally lifelike, I wouldn't have guessed she was a robot at all!" Satou admitted, looking over his shoulder at the group as they talked before he looked back, eyes narrowing. "I assume there was some catch, given the culprit for who made tall, dark, and sexy over there?"

A nodded with a somewhat strained smile. "You know how Darkness is all, 'step on me'? Well…let's just say she'd be the one most likely to take her up on that offer."

"Goddammit, I knew it was too good to be true," Satou groaned, bowing his head in defeat. It almost made me feel pity for him.

"Yeah, finding her was a pretty weird ordeal," I went on, admittedly talking more to myself than him really. "We first learned of her existence by reading that guy's cringy diary he left behind. Gave up on trying to defeat the Devil King so he could focus on building a, and I quote, 'big tiddy robot gf' to fulfill his BDSM fantasies. He even almost considered installing a fully-functioning pu- -"

"Alright, I get the picture!" Satou cut me off, raising his voice a bit and making me look over in confusion. The guy had wiped his nose and now had a worrying look of contemplation on his face that I was definitely going to rib him over before Yunyun rudely interrupted, tapping me on the shoulder.

"Uhm…I'm s-sorry for interrupting your conversation, but…I brought gift baskets for each of Megumin's companions, sooo…" Yunyun trailed off, instead opting to let said gift baskets she shoved in my face do all the talking. It was an effective tactic.

"Free stuff? That's my favorite kind!" I cheered while gladly taking my latest bounty off of her hands. "If this is how you treat all your rival's friends, you should come over to duel her more often."

"Oi, please don't try to extort more goodies out of my friend, you sly bastard," Satou huffed, shooting me a mild glare which I rolled my eyes at. Before I could respond, however, I felt a surprise punch to my shoulder and nearly dropped my goodies in surprise. Looking at the source of the attack, I was surprised to see Megumin of all people shooting me with a similar glare.

"Not funny. Don't take advantage of Yunyun," She nearly growled.

"Woah, hey, easy! I know when to take the L on a crappy joke. Won't do it again."

"Ah, Megumin?" Yunyun interjected gently, looking nervous as she addressed her rival and sorta-friend. "I-I don't mean to be rude, but in the past you have wagered my lunch or other favors as prizes for winning our duels…"

"My family is poor, I have an excuse," Megumin supplied with an extra amount of stank. She sure was being quite the little gremlin today, wasn't she?

"Apologies on behalf of my adventuring companion," Darkness said to Satou with a bow, playing peacekeeper once again. "We just got back from our short-lived vacation over at Arcanletia. To put it simply: everyone but me had a hard time and we were chased out in the span of a single day. Hence our early return."

"...the fact this doesn't even surprise me anymore is telling of just how much trouble you guys get into," Satou informed her in a deadpan tone, before crossing his arms and cracking a small smile. "How'd you manage it this time?"

"Just for the record!" I started with my hand raised to make my premature defense. "Had I known in advance that we'd be vacationing at a funny farm of all places, I would've vetoed Aqua's suggestion from the start."

The demigoddess herself, who had been mostly keeping to herself pouting, aggressively flipped me the bird.

"You seriously mean to tell me you let Aqua pick your vacation spot? Are you sure you're really a genius, man?" Satou had the gall to question.

"Who else would be smart enough to cheat on an IQ test, huh!?"

…

I coughed awkwardly, deciding to briefly recap the important bullet points of our latest misadventure. Mainly how the service was crap, the locals were crappy, the baths themselves were actually alright minus sniffing perverts, and our unplanned domination of yet another general of the Devil King's forces! I thought for sure I had thoroughly impressed Satou again by mentioning that last part.

Instead, for whatever reason, he seemed weirdly hung up on my hesitation to attend the mixed baths.

"So…what you're telling me is that you, a perfectly healthy bisexual man with a functioning sex drive, were reluctant to go to a location where you are remarkably likely to see people of both sexes in a state of undress?" He hissed as a concerning vein bulged in his forehead.

"W-Well, uhhh…I mean, I'm a virgin, so- -"

I very nearly yelped when Satou shot up his finger in front of my face, refusing to look at me. At this point, I actually would've preferred if he'd screeched like a banshee or something. It also didn't help that he turned around, kneeled down, and cupped his hands together like he was praying.

"…what's he doing?" I whispered discreetly back to the girls. Even Satou's partner looked hopelessly lost.

"Jack…I'd like to think that we're friends, at least in the most barebones definition of the word. So, as your friend, I need you to know I am deeply disappointed in your inaction regarding this venture…"

I narrowed my eyes even though his back was turned to me. "Hey! Anybody in my shoes would've been nervous- -!"

"SHUT UUUUUUP!"

Now that made me yelp! As well as make me stumble back into the side of my car. Hell, even the girls and bots flinched when Satou quickly shot up from his squat and yelled at me with…righteous fury?

"Do you have the slightest idea of the HEAVEN you walked away from?! Boys where I come from would have killed for the chance you got, and I'm not exaggerating! I mean real, cold-blooded murder for even a chance to be in those baths! Do you have any idea how big of a deal this is for hormonal teenagers? And the best excuse you have is that you were shy and a virgin?! We're all virgins, dumbass, that's part of the appeal!"

Somehow, despite being deeply disturbed and confused, I found my spine and clapped back.

"Hey, Green Bean! Not only does this type of argument not work outside of online chat rooms, but I did, in fact, actually go in the mixed baths, okay!? Like I said, my team had to peer pressure me into it, on top of a bet no less! I just got around it by blindfolding myself- -"

"YOU DID WHAT?!" He all but shrieked, cutting me off mid-sentence and looking about ready to throttle me where I stood. "So not only did you ACTUALLY get to live out this fantastic, once in a goddamn lifetime experience, but you actively PREVENTED THE BEST PART OF IT?! So help me, Jack, I am this close to coming over there and- -"

Right as the crazy person was about to take his menacing first step towards me, a tendril made out of synthetic magenta hair placed itself on his shoulder like a hand. Satou instantly went from seeing red to looking both confused and a little disturbed at what was now on his person. It didn't take long for his eyes to follow along the tendril back to Alexis, who had a sickeningly sweet smile plastered on that pretty face of hers.

"Satou-san, was it? In the interest of both our parties, I would like to politely ask that you take a deep breath and calm yourself before you do anything reckless. If you do continue on your current course of action, however, I will have to break you like the bratty little boy you are. Have I made myself clear?"

Because of the priceless look of abject horror on Green Bean's face, I decided to lean in and really seal the deal.

"Oh, and did I forget to mention how I willingly allowed her to keep her previous dominatrix subroutines? Her original programming, her right to choose."

"...damn you, Spicer. Not for the bath house thing, but for making me…question certain aspects about myself. Now I gotta worry about being cut from the same freaky cloth as your crusader."

"I'm sure you and I will find a way to sleep at night."

"I-I can hardly believe it…" Yunyun muttered aloud. "That makes three Demon Generals your party has slain. There's only five active generals left now!"

Megumin sighed deeply. "That's my self-proclaimed rival for you: feels the need to describe basic math to us like we're Aqua."

"I-I-I am not self-proclaimed!"

"And I'm not…uh, Aqua?" Aqua questioned herself in the middle of her angry remark before shaking her head. "Whatever, I know that was a jab at me! I saved the day, gosh darn it! Shower me with praise and respect a goddess like me deserves already!"

Satou looked over at the rest of us and asked plainly, "I take it she did her usual rambling till Hans went mad and offed himself?"

After Alexis helped me back on my feet, she lightly nudged my shoulder while wiggling her eyebrows. "Told ya it was a viable option." I snorted in spite of myself.

"UGH! NO! I really did punch him and save the day, we have photographic evidence!" Aqua shouted, whipping around and pointing squarely at my CameraBot. "C'mon, Spiels, roll the film! Show this hater his place!"

"Well, I usually like to edit my work first before releasing it to the public…but what the heck!" Spielberg gleefully exclaimed as he hovered in front of one of the large trees in our front lawn. "This will do for a projection screen!"

I was going to chastise Aqua for bossing around my robots without my permission, but, admittedly, I was also dying to see how badass we looked taking out Hans. So I and the rest of the goons all gathered behind the bot as he readied his vintage camera and rolled the film!

…only for nothing to appear on the tree trunk.

"That's odd…" Spielberg said to himself, examining his camera carefully. "Everything seems to be functioning like normal. And yet there's no picture. What is going on?"

Naturally, I stepped in to help the bot figure out the apparent technical problem at hand. But as I examined the old-school filming equipment more closely, I spotted something that made my heart drop. Something I had completely forgotten about since before we even set foot in Arcanletia:

The lens cap…

However, my stewing was interrupted when I noticed the lens of a certain CameraBot's camera near my face for some reason. "Spielberg, what are you doing?"

"Getting footage of you guys before you inevitably get tans at the resort," He answered simply over the backrest of his seat.

"You know me and ultraviolet rays don't get along. And save the film for when we actually get to Albatross!" I said while moving closer to the front seats and popping the lens cap back on the bot's camera.

"...Oh…no…"

"Jack? Is everything alright?" Darkness asked without the slightest clue of what I'd just realized. None of the girls really seemed to get it. But Satou spotted the problem around the same time I did, and proceeded to burst out laughing on the spot.

"Have you figured out what's wrong, sir?" Spielberg asked so innocently, making what I was about to do next all the more soul-crushing.

Slowly, hesitantly, and with a shaky hand, I pointed at the lens of the camera.

The bot stared at me for a moment; I could see the momentary confusion in his photoreceptors. But when he turned his camera around and found the source of the problem, he went completely still (not counting the gentle hovering of his propulsion jet).

I stared at him in despairing silence as the douchebag named Satou Kazuma continued to laugh like a hyena on nitrous oxide. Eventually, though, I made an attempt to console my buddy.

"Spiel- -?"

Only for the automaton to suddenly short-circuit and shutdown on the spot.

"Oh shit, is he okay?" Satou asked, having the decency to stop laughing and wipe away his tears as my precious bot boy hit the ground. The girls seemed similarly concerned and entirely confused as to what the hell was happening before them.

"He'll be fine," I sighed with sagged shoulders. "His emotion chip must've caused a power surge once he realized he had the lens cap on this whole time. It's rare but this can happen when a JackBot becomes distraught enough over something."

Come to think of it…how many of my boys went through the same thing back home when I died? Oh fuck, I hope YesBot has them mostly under control. I gave him emergency admin privileges for a reason.

"Okay, good. Does that mean I have permission to keep laughing, because that was fucking hilarious- -" Satou replied before starting to giggle to himself again, ignoring my seething glare dutifully. Either that or he couldn't see it through the fresh tears in his eyes. Dick.

Well…he's not the only dick around town.

Marching right up to Giggles, I whapped him in the back of his head, gaining some momentary satisfaction in having been the one to shut him up. The surprised look on his face that followed was also a highlight.

What wasn't a highlight, however, was him whapping me back after coming down from the shock.

"AH! Alexis! Dark! Protect me, he's on a rampage!"

"Really? I hit you once and you go hide behind your personal meat shield and dominatrix?" Satou huffed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes as I strategically maneuvered behind my friends. "How do you defeat Demon Generals like that, man?"

"He personally doesn't," Megumin had the gall to point out with a straight face, ignoring my indignant gawk. "He mostly just comes up with the plan and lets us steal the show. Cowardly, but it usually works out in the end. Plus, it gives us a chance to show off our skills, so I'm fine with it. Jack will be Jack."

"Yup, that's our Jack! Sharp as a whip and absolutely spineless like one too!" Aqua chirped pleasantly and without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "That's basically how things go every time. Hasn't failed us yet!"

"Let's not forget that, without Jack's leadership, we likely wouldn't even be here together as we were," Darkness decided to step up and say, hand to her chest and a small smile on her face. "We've seen firsthand how dysfunctional we truly are under the care of someone like Dust. Jack really is the glue that holds us together and we should be thankful to have him in our lives…"

Oh, wow…that was sweet. Like, really sweet. I was legit starting to tear up from Dark's impassioned speech about me.

"Awww, Dark…thank- -"

"Th-that being said, however…" She started with a shudder, instantly turning my mood sour again. "His casual acceptance of u-using me as his personal meat shield to avoid the conflicts he causes is most shameful as well as titillating. Oh, yes, he can truly be such a pitiable coward~!"

"Even evil geniuses like to be told, 'Proud of you' without an asterisk next to it…"

"Um, excuse me, everyone?" The other Crimson Demon I nearly forgot was here suddenly spoke. "I don't mean to interrupt this…team-bonding experience, but does anyone else hear that strange 'thumping' sound? Listen…"

I paused while on the brink of yet another rant, and did as Yunyun said. Sure enough…there was a low, rhythmic thumping noise. It actually kinda sounded like music, and as I listened carefully, I tracked it slightly a few feet closer to the mansion.

After a few seconds, I let out a sigh. "They did it again, didn't they?"

"Who did what again?" Satou asked way in the back, but I didn't bother answering him as I swung open the gate and made a beeline for the front door. If the girls were following me, I could only hope one of them had the decency to carry Spielberg's deactivated form because this required my full attention.

Stepping up to my front door, I got out my keys and unlocked it, and the second I opened it a crack, we could hear the music much clearer.

"Jellyfish Jam…"

Inside the mansion, the JackBots had elected to throw a party while we were out of the house. Granted, the boys had done this before back on Earth, but not since we appeared in this new world have they attempted such a thing. Until now, apparently.

Sighing deeply in slight irritation, I opened the door fully and strode inside, making my way towards the source of the music.

"Jack, wait! What's going on there? What's with the loud music!?"

"And why the hell is it SpongeBob music of all things!?"

I could barely hear M-Bomb and Green Bean over all the racket as I made my way to the double doors that lead into our main living room. With some flourish, I opened those puppies right up as I bore witness to the damage.

The JackBots were in the middle of a big old party, most likely orchestrated by Attack Squad Sigma, the OG bots I transferred over from Earth. They'd set up my speakers to play their music as they did what everyone does at parties: dance, limbo, drink motor oil, etc. Hell, some were even in the middle of a conga line with- -

"DUST!?"

"Heeeey! Wassup, Jackie!" Tomato Boy called out over the bass, his teammates also mingling about with the JackBots like it was just any old house party. "Listen, I take back everything I said about your golems; these guys fucking ROCK!"

I was struggling to find words, bouncing between demanding he never call me "Jackie" again to demanding to know what the hell he was doing in my house. Eventually, I was given the moment to compose myself as Satou stepped forward and asked the question I was too gob smacked to manage.

"What the hell are you idiots doing partying in someone else's home!?"

"Woah, hey, Kazuma! Relax, man, relax…" One of Dust's partner's, Keith I think, said as he stepped over to the young Japanese man with some drink in his hand. "It's cool, it's not like we're breaking and entering or anything that would usually land Dust in jail. We were invited by one of Jack's bot guys, that's all."

Satou ran a hand down his face. The universal sign of being absolutely fed up with somebody's shit. "Keith…you don't just accept an invitation to a house party when it's not from the proprietor himself. Jack was away on vacation!"

"Well, it's not like he told anybody," Keith remarked while eyeing me. "I mean, did he tell you he was going out for some R&R?"

"I'm gonna be the future ruler of the world! Why should I tell people where I'm going so that they can – oh I don't know – rob my house!? Where is Lynn and Taylor, isn't one of them supposed to be a crusader? How did they agree to this?"

Dust chimed in with an all too eager smile that pissed me off. "Hey, I can be a persuasive guy when I need to! I figured that if your golems said it was cool, then you'd be cool with it too! Not like we're breaking and entering if we were invited! We just saw an opportunity to kick back and have some fun, y'know? You're not being too great a host right now, by the way. Not cool to accuse your guests."

Before I could get my strangling hands primed and ready, the girl in the dumbass's party, Lynn, walked up to me and the others who had just caught up to me and were still processing things.

"Jack! Hey, buddy! Long time no see! Been a while since we last spoke. Are things still cool between us? If this is about feeling guilty for almost running Dust over, don't worry, we're not mad at you. In fact, some of us almost wish your new driver friend did hit him…"

"Woah! W-What's with that scary look you're giving me!?" Dust suddenly cried under his companion's gaze. "We scumbags have feelings too, you know! Kazuma, back me up here!"

"Don't drag me into this!"

Heh. Alright, seeing Lynn being so nice to me and knocking Tomato Boy down a peg has helped me simmer down a little. Still gonna have a "chat" with my boys later though.

"If I may interject? I am still quite confused," Dark chimed in from behind me, reminding me that the girls were still without context. "What does this 'Jellyfish Jam' have to do with the JackBots throwing a party while we were away?"

That's when I was also reminded of the absurd choice in music my boys were playing over the speakers. Okay, well, I technically only have myself to blame for that one. It was one of the songs in my playlist I redownloaded from home.

"It's just a dumb song I think is catchy…" I sighed with a dismissive wave, trying to signal to her that it wasn't important right now. I turned back to Lynn, "Anyway, uh, h-hey Lynn! Sorry for making you worry, we're still cool. Personal stuff came up and we were on vacation for a short while before getting booted."

"Booted? How the heck did you guys manage that one?" Keith asked while quirking an eyebrow, making me grumble slightly. I really wasn't looking forward to reciting the events of our less-than-stellar vacation to every uninvited guest we had, so I hastily drafted up a summary.

"We were at Arcanletia and- -"

Suddenly he raised up his hand. "Say no more. I understand completely."

Almost forgot how infamous the Axis Cult was outside of their little bubble.

"It would've worked out if he and Megumin hadn't been running around, giving all those hard-working Joes fake names for their recruitment forms!" Aqua fumed once again.

"Alexis came up with a clever way to get rid of them and so we did it! Not our fault your people are insane!" Megumin retorted angrily. "Besides, you didn't help matters by purifying their baths into regular hot water!"

"Yeah! And we saved their dumb city from a Demon General, that should've been more than enough for their ungrateful asses!" I added with righteous fury, standing firmly beside my evil Padawan.

"As you can tell, they've been through a lot," Satou translated to the intruders among us, who all looked distinctly baffled by the fresh round of bickering between the girls and I…except for Dust. He just took a swig of his drink and looked back at the conga line longingly.

"Wait…did you say you defeated yet another Demon General?" Taylor, the shirtless hunk of a crusader, asked while joining in once he noticed us and his party gathering. "Who was it this time?"

"Some sort of slime-type creature by the name of Hans," Alexis supplied coolly, even while carrying Spielberg's deactivated form. "By sheer happenstance, Jack and I uncovered his presence while in the baths and found out he was plotting to sabotage the city's main source of income, either for tactical gain or out of spite."

"My money's on both, honestly," Keith chimed in, and I was inclined to agree with him. In fact, ironically enough, I think we might've ended up carrying out Hans' will anyway. The baths are no longer magical now that Aqua purified them. Serves 'em right, that's what I say.

"DAAAAMN, Jackie! You got into the baths with this fine specimen of a woman?" Tomato Boy said obnoxiously, both ignoring Alexis's cold stare and the fact that she was the one who almost pulled a hit-and-run on him. "You're gonna have to give us the details later. It's mandated by the Bro Code."

"Pigs…" I overheard Lynn mutter to herself.

"Pfft. Don't waste your breath, man," Satou grumbled irritably. "This anti-man was not only hesitant to get into one of the mixed baths, but also blindfolded himself to avoid all the action…"

I was about to dish out some evil back-sass onto Green Bean when, all of a sudden, I found myself being pinned against the wall by not only a furious Dust but a furious Keith too.

"HE DID WHAT!?"

"THAT'S IT, YOU JUST LOST YOUR BRO LICENSE!"

Thankfully, I had more than enough people (and angry bots quickly cocking out all their weapons) to "persuade" the two gentlemen to unhand me while awkwardly "apologizing". I was beginning to wonder if my weird-ass relationship with these troglodytes was even worth it anymore.

"Right, now that we've got that all sorted…you guys mind moving along from this little shindig my boys decided to throw? I gotta have a talk with them about who is and isn't allowed in the mansion while we're gone," I grumbled, entirely fed up at this point and just wanting these numbskulls out of my house. "Any other unexpected guests I should know about before I send you home?"

Without so much as a peep, Lynn and Taylor pointed me over in a direction of the party I had failed to notice in my initial shock. Tucked away in a cozy little corner of the room was perhaps the last person I would ever expect to see at an impromptu house party.

"Luna!?"

Yes, against all my preconceived notions, the hard-working, diligent, busty guild worker who can maintain her professionalism with even the roughest adventurers…was cutting loose at a party.

Her shirt was unbuttoned, showing off a dangerous amount of cleavage for someone like me, so I had to be conscious of my wandering eyes. Her blonde hair had also been undone too, and honestly she looked kinda nice with it flowing down naturally. At the moment, she was chilling on the sofa cushions and chugging down a bottle of alcohol with a small group of JackBots cheering her on.

"IS THAT MY BUBBLY!?" Aqua screeched yet again as she stormed over to the drunk receptionist. "Oh hell no, this will not stand! Spit that out right now, bitch!"

Luna paused mid-sip, looking at Aqua with unfocused eyes before cracking an uncharacteristic smirk and proceeding to swallow what remained of the booze. "I've put up with you and your friends fer almost a year now. I'm at least owed a good - hic - drink for my troubles, if you ask me."

As Aqua was close to blowing the sixtieth gasket this evening, Darkness along with the rest of us carefully approached the drunk lady. "Luna? What on earth are you doing here? Shouldn't you be running the guild right now?"

"Psssh, I'm not ta only person tha' works there," Luna replied with a dismissive wave, attempting to take another swig from the empty bubbly bottle before realizing it was already empty, dropping it with a lazy shrug. "Yer bot buds invited me alon' with the others…wasn't sure a' firs', but now? Glad I took the chance - hic! These boysh know how tah party an' don't get all grabby on the girls, ya know?"

Avoiding looking at the fun bags she was referring to, I cast a small glare at the bots that were previously cheering her on. "Sigma Squad were behind this party, weren't they?"

They all cautiously beeped in confirmation despite the rule about snitches getting stitches.

"Thought so," I nodded, still planning on having a word with them. But for the time being…"And could you please button up already! Your…'girls' are nearly out for the world to see!"

Even though the bot managing the DJ still hadn't the forethought to turn the music down, I could still make out the Three Stooges behind me muttering, "Prude…"

Ironically enough, Luna grumbled something similar as she proceeded to fumble with her buttons for the next ten seconds, eventually getting her shirt in a state where her tits weren't practically popping out. "There, 'appy -hic- now?"

Green Bean, Tomato Boy, and…Blueberry? Eh, just Keith for now. Anyway, they all voiced their opinions immediately.

"No."

No sooner did they say that they were collectively elbowed in the guts by Lynn, Taylor, and even M-Bomb. That's why you gotta stay quiet, guys. Truthfully, a part of me enjoyed the view as much as the next bisexual teenager. But there's a time and a place for that stuff.

"Well I'm still not happy," Aqua huffed while getting right in Luna's face, likely smelling the alcohol wafting off her breath. "Who gave you my special stash of fancy bubbly? I'm gonna make 'em wish they were never built!"

"Leave my robots out of this!" I barked defensively once I noticed how frightened all the JackBots looked. Even Jellyfish Jam finally cut off at the threat.

After a few seconds of Aqua and I glaring at each other, she eventually broke eye contact and huffed in irritation, crossing her arms and looking away. Content with the victory for now, I turned to Luna and crossed my arms. "Look, whenever you're back in a working mood, my friends and I have a bounty to cash in. We killed another demon general, the poisonous slime dude. Hans."

To be honest, I kinda thought dropping a serious news bomb like that on her would help sober her right up. Instead…

"PFFFT! Ah fuckin' hell, man! Do you have – hic – have any idea how much paperwork tha's gonna be fer me? Thanks a lot, prick…"

Things from there devolved rather quickly.

Aqua went from "Grr my booze" to "PAR-TAY" mode as soon as I turned my head away from her, downing the last of her special bubbly before moving onto the cheap stuff.

By the time I'd turned back, the three knuckleheads were in the fray too. Then Yunyun (tearfully surprised she'd been "invited" to a party) with her shorter rival not letting her get even a single win to try and dance better than her. Luna, Lynn, Alexis… our mansion was what you'd call an absolute rager.

What can I say, Jellyfish Jam can just take over a room…

Soon it was just me, the sizzling body of Spielberg…and Darkness. Looking in on all the fun, an awkward silence hung between us even with all the noise in the background.

"Um…" I started, then stopped when her head shot in my direction. Any semblance of a plan was gone when her eyes looked at me, only getting a few mumbles under the loud-ass music.

Unfortunately, her method of solving that was to get closer. "I'm sorry, did you say something?" She asked loudly, struggling to get her voice over the fun even at this proximity.

I knew what I wanted to ask her, but…could it really be so simple as literally asking a girl to dance? Especially one that I'd been in a week-long spat with? Maybe I should just go back to my lab, figure out what all that "Metal Dragon" stuff was, and see if I can't run a program to generate visuals for all the black footage I have. Otherwise it'll just be a subpar audiobook of us defeating Hans.

Yeah, that sounds like a more productive post-holiday evening. The peons of the world can celebrate their few days of freedom before Super-Villain, Jack Spicer, takes over and…and

…

Ah, screw it.

"Wanna dance?"

I can't lie, her smile could probably revive my heart with how quick it makes it beat.

"I thought you'd never ask."

Darkness dragged me from the edge of the room right into the center of it all. I could hear a few cheers from the surrounding fun-havers. Megumin nudged me in the leg, a drunk Aqua hugged me from behind briefly, and Keith gave me a thumbs up as we joined the cavalcade of jiggling bodies.

Though they'd been nice enough to greet me in the dance huddle, the rest of the world faded out of my view when Darkness turned back to me. Jellyfish Jam wasn't exactly the sort of song to take a partner in your arms and sway in rhythm to, so we followed the dance protocols and got into the up-tempo swing of the song.

I wasn't great.

SpongeBob always made the arm wiggle wave look so easy, I bet Green Bean can do it with those stupid noodle arms of his. Oh good, now Darkness was LAUGHING at me. I really should've just gone to the lab- -

"Thank you for not running away this time, Jack," Darkness admitted with a smile. "I feel you tend to avoid these moments of levity over more time in your laboratory. I'm glad to see you opening up a little more."

Since when did she have Vanir's mind-reading powers? The timing of that was way too suspicious. Darkness, if you're listening right now, I think your…boots are tacky!

She blushed and looked down! AHA! She really is in my head! "Jack…if you glare at me so much, I might get excited…"

"...oh, right. You get set off over anything," I sighed, bad test on my part. I'll get my R&D boys to create a tinfoil hat later. "Anyway, no worries. Funny that it feels like we already need another holiday, huh? Oh, and, uh…thanks for saying yes to a dance by the way…"

"Think nothing of it," She said while her body definitely moved closer to mine there. I was trying not to notice how her big hips were swaying to the beat or that, without her chest piece, other parts of her would be swaying nicely too. "Besides, it's nice to see that there's someone who's a worse dancer than me."

Goddamn, now she was being cheeky with me too? That grin was too much. "Hey! I resemble that remark! How ironic that the woman who always misses with her hands can somehow aim her feet properly."

"Are you suggesting I wield my sword between my toes from now on? I had no idea you were one of 'those' kind of men..."

"First, no. Not a foot guy." I asserted with a vehement shake of the head. "Second, even if I was, YOU do not get to be judgmental on ANY sort of fetish, Dark. I swear, there's goblins with less pent up sexual energy than you!"

Even jabs at her attitude wasn't getting her frowny with me. "Hmm, and tell me, how was the mixed bath again? You saw nothing at all, correct?"

"Absolutely nothing at all!"

Suddenly, the head of Alexis appeared next to mine. "I can tell the truth for a price."

"Would you get out of here!?"

There was just no winning with these women. But at least Darkness dropped the subject from here on out. Letting the music switch to more of my evil dance playlist, the evening filled with the energizing tunes of my Earth days. Such as the Futurama theme remix, "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance, and of course the Cantina Band from Star Wars. It's not all metal or grunge when it comes to my evil taste in music.

Satou kept quiet, though as he danced with Yunyun I could see him side-eye judging some of my selections. But I also caught him lip-syncing all the words to "Caramelldansen" when it inevitably came on. So maybe he liked hearing the tunes more than he let on.

Eventually, it became too late to continue this random celebration. Alexis packing up our limo with the drunken corpses of those who didn't live here, promising to get them all home safe (unless anyone barfed, then there would be no survivors).

The last of us were far too tired after that. Aqua had already passed out on the couch, and Darkness was kind enough to let Megumin up onto her back to carry her back to her room. I stretched, yawned, ignored the mess that the intruders had left, and walked to my room as well.

Weirdly, as I came down the corner to my door, I could see Darkness waiting there already, Megumin still on her back. There was also a weird look on the blonde's face I couldn't quite describe. Almost like nervousness but not exactly…

"Yo! Forgot the layout of your own home?" I called from down the hall. "That isn't Megumin's room, Dark! It's yours truly."

She… winced? And Megumin rolled her eyes?

"R-Right…of course," Darkness nodded, looking a little hurt that I'd apparently used facts and logic to destroy her flawed logic that this was somehow Megumin's room. She wasn't quick, but she was moving away from my door now. "Goodnight, Jack. See you in the morning."

With a friendly wave I called out to her, "Night, Dark~! Night, M-Bomb~!"

"Night, doofus! Try not to kick yourself too hard when you figure it out!"

Brain was too tired to care what she meant. We defeated a Demon General today, and even more crazy, I went into a public bath! Why can't they leave me alone for five minutes? I deserve sleep…

It wasn't until the evening had properly wrapped up, and I was tucked snug into my bed that I bolted up with eyes wide in realization.

"Was Darkness flirting with me!?"