Dear Digital Diabolical Diary,
Do you ever get the feeling that, despite things being fine, there's a lingering sense of uncertainty hanging over you? Well, that's more or less been me this past week.
Darkness and I finally patched things up after our vacation disaster, and that should be a tremendous source of relief. But lately it feels like the previous tension between us has been replaced with a different kind. It's not as unbearable as when we were giving each other the cold shoulder, yet something about this new state of unease has me restless.
Just why was Dark waiting for me outside my bedroom door? And why did she look disappointed when I shooed her away assuming she had gotten lost? Was she actually flirting with me when we danced together after coming home from Arcanletia?
When I decided to grow a pair and ask her about it the next morning, she got flustered and simply told me "not to worry about it". And when I brought this up to Megumin who was being rather secretive in her own right, she questioned my status as a genius in a snarky way. Why do girls gotta be so mysterious about everything!? Is it SO hard to be as direct as possible?
Regardless, I've actually been trying to take Darkness's advice for once and not worry about it. Easier said than done, but it's really all I can do to prevent myself from freaking out over hypotheticals. Thankfully, there's no shortage of things to do in Axel to keep me busy. In fact, one of the first things I did was something I've been meaning to do for a while now.
That's right: I finally switched classes from generic "Adventurer" to specialized Battlesmith!
It was truly insane what passes as food around here.
This is what went through my mind as I sat in my lab finishing my leftovers from last night's dinner. The girls and I were too lazy to cook yesterday and went to eat at the guild. Having a little extra spending money and getting sick of the usual fried frog legs, I decided to order something different off the menu: grilled cave bats seasoned with fairy wing dust.
Other than thinking it would bump my evil street cred eating the remains of a fairy, I was honestly just morbidly curious how it tasted. Not too bad by the way.
Still, it was nonchalantly eating my meal alongside my party that it hit me just how bizarre the food around here was. The natives of this world were impressively creative with their cuisines. Sure, my world had acquired tastes too, like poisonous pufferfish that'll kill you if the chef prepares them wrong. But that's nothing compared to the mythical creatures that were being served to me fresh off the grill.
But I suppose it makes sense to experiment with monster meat when it's a good source of XP.
It always slipped my mind that eating the remains of monsters was a legitimate way to Level-Up. Such is the natural order of this kooky world I'm trying to conquer. I'd have to do a double take whenever I noticed I gained a Level after a hearty meal. I go long stretches without directly killing monsters, so the "random" experience points on my Adventurer's Card would confuse me at first. Megumin was usually the one to remind me why.
With this in mind, I was polishing off last night's dinner for two reasons. One is because I'm on my lunch break. But two is because I was only a few XP short of a Level-Up. And since fairy wing spice was considered a premium condiment for food, it should be enough to push me over the edge.
I was finally about to hit the Level requirement to switch to the Battlesmith class.
Bet you forgot all about that goal, huh? Well, so did I for a while. Kinda slipped my mind once I got the JackBots going and had them do most of the monster-slaying for me. But if being a battle-ready blacksmith can help improve their efficiency and further my evil plans, then sign me up, baby!
"Them's good eatin'," I burped after finishing my last bite. "And if I were to check my card now…"
Taking my Adventurer Card out from my wallet, I double-checked my experience bar. It was filled all the way up and glowing with magical energy, indicating a Level-Up.
"Yes! Finally! Goodbye, standard Adventurer class! And hello, exceptional Battlesmith class~"
As I scrolled through the available classes listed on my card like a video game menu, I briefly reflected on my choice. Once I switch to Battlesmith, that was it; I was going to be locked into that build forever. What's more, I would only be able to learn skills accepted by that class from now on. No more being a me-of-all-trades.
Mercifully, I could still use moves I had picked up through being an Adventurer. Which is good because the Drain Touch skill has essentially become my lifeline at this point. But being specialized means I'll have to really commit. So could I truly consider myself ready for such an important life decision…?
"...why am I having second thoughts? This class was made for me! Let's do this shit!"
With no hesitation, I selected the Battlesmith text option on my card and let the magic whatever rewrite my DNA. After my body finished glowing, I looked down at my hands. As always, I felt no different than before.
"I know I shouldn't expect any fanfare, but why's it gotta be so anticlimactic?"
Well, they say the Devil is in the details (or would it be the "Devil King"?). That's why when I went to consult my card again, I was met with a few changes. Aside from the obvious new class registration, I had apparently unlocked two new skills free of charge. Awesome! Getting free stuff was always the best!
Smithing: the ability to forge and fix weapons, armor, and other objects. Battlesmiths gain a temporary speed buff for those mid-battle repairs.
Okay, that first part was kind of redundant in my case as an evil genius. But I liked the sound of the second part! Quick repairs when needed is an objectively handy thing to have in my skill set.
Increased Weapon Durability: weapons forged by the user will last longer in battle compared to their regular counterparts.
So less maintenance work on my end? Sweet! That just gives me more time to come up with new robot designs! I'll have to find out if they count as "weapons" though. Would be pretty stupid if they didn't.
And those were just the two basic skills I was gifted. Looking over the list on my card, there was a lot more I could add now. Automatic Smelting, Advanced Carry Weight, there was even a skill that functioned similarly to the Jury Rigging perk from New Vegas. The Battlesmith class was broken in the best way possible!
…or was it simply on par with the rest of this world's crazy game balance.
My evil grin fell as I thought more about this. With the natural law around here functioning like a video game, it led to a lot of people and even monsters finding ways to "cheat the system". I wasn't the only one to come to this conclusion either; Kazuma expressed similar gripes with me. If they really made a video game based on this world, it'd be the most unbalanced JRPG ever.
Any video game where a high-level boss can stroll up the starting town at any given time would make for a shitty experience if you ask me.
"But that's just it…" I sighed to myself as a JackBot took away my dirty plate. "This isn't a video game. It's real life. Anything can happen on a whim and I have to be prepared for it."
Applying adamantite, the Fantasy World's strongest metal, to my robots' armor was a good first step in giving me an edge on the competition. Hopefully these new Battlesmith skills will further aid me in my quest to conquer this planet. My boys need all the help they can get when half of the population is on par with the magic-users back home. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to get in on the action a little more too; skill points don't grow on trees…as far as I'm aware.
"What the hell is that!?"
I just barely stopped myself from letting out an unmanly shriek when that voice came from behind me. I swiveled my chair around to confront an annoyed Aqua, matching her look in return.
"How'd you get in here? I thought I locked the door!"
Aqua rolls her eyes before answering. "Even if you did, which you didn't by the way, you gave us all the passcode in case we needed to come down to get you."
Damn, that's two strikes for being forgetful. One more and I'm out.
"Well, whaddya want? I just officially became a Battlesmith and I wanna test out my new abilities."
"No, no, no, no, no" Aqua uttered quickly before pointing vehemently behind me. "First I wanna know what in the name of Me is THAT unholy abomination!"
Glancing at the 20 foot tall metal endoskeleton, I scoffed at my blue-haired partner's naiveté.
"Oh, him? That's just the prototype for my new ToadBot. With how much of a hard time the Giant Toads give us, I figured they had to be an overlooked monster in terms of destructive capability. So, why not fight fire with fire? It's genius!"
"More like insane!" Aqua countered rudely with flailing arms. "As the adult of this party, I demand you dismantle that horrible, ugly thing! There is no room for toads on this team, mechanical or otherwise!"
"I thought there was an unspoken agreement that Darkness was the mother hen of the group," I said with a raised brow.
"Jack, please, everyone knows that I'm the most mature person here. What with me being a goddess and all~" Aqua self-praised while flipping her hair obnoxiously. "Darkness has her moments, but it's obvious she's just as emotionally stunted as you. Heck, even Megumin has displayed more maturity than her at times! Someone's gotta step up and babysit all you problem children."
I…wow. WOW.
"Y'know, I've got a mirror in the back of the lab you can take a long look at…"
"Thanks, but I can admire my reflection later," Aqua said, completely missing the subtext of my remark. "Right now, I wanna see you take apart that icky toad robot so you don't get any funny ideas. Your sci-fi crap has gone too far with this one, Spicer!"
That was enough to spring me out of my chair in annoyed defiance. "Nuh-uh! You're not the boss of me! Tell yourself how 'mature' you are if it helps you sleep at night, I'm still the leader here! If I wanna make robot versions of our sworn enemies, I'll damn well do so!"
"And you seriously don't see how that could go wrong? Are you even hearing yourself right now? What if they malfunction and try to eat us too, huh!?"
…
Ugh, c'mon, Aqua! Stop making the odd valid point that catches me off guard! It's getting really annoying!
"Then I'll just make a failsafe, DUH!" I answered with fake confidence, as though I had everything figured out already. "Unlike a certain spider mech maker, I know how to keep my babies under control. That's why he's dead while I'm thriving."
Aqua merely crossed her arms and gave me a listless glare. Great, now she's making me doubt myself! The last thing I want is to make the same mistakes as that lazy, stupid scientist. My robots are and will be better than his (Alexis notwithstanding)!
"Anyway, unless you finally got yourself a brain and are going to use it to help, kindly show yourself to the door please."
It was on that day I learned the hard way that turning your back to a temperamental water deity after calling her stupid wasn't my best move. Exhibit A: Aqua surprise tackling me to the floor.
"TAKE IT APART OR I'LL TAKE YOU APART!"
"NEVER!"
"YOU'RE SUCH A BRAT, YOU KNOW THAT!?"
"I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I!?"
"NO, YOU!"
"YOUR MOM!"
From there, things devolved into petty insults while trying to wrestle each other into submission. It actually reminded me of the day we first met back in that Limbo place. Man, have I come a long way…I'd be nostalgic of meeting my friend if she weren't blinding me with my own goggles while I pulled on her hair.
I don't know exactly how it happened, but at some point during our scuffle, one of us must've knocked over the support beams holding up the giant endoskeleton for the ToadBot. The dangerous sound of metal groaning made us stop mid-fight with worry. We stared at each other in our awkward positions before turning to the source of the noise. Just in time to witness the gaping maw of the lifeless robot descend upon us rapidly.
As Aqua's screams drowned out my own, we were yet again reminded why Giant Toads were our archenemies.
Okay, so maybe there was SOME credence to Aqua's argument. Having Vietnam-style flashbacks to being eaten whole was never a fun time.
That said, I still believe deploying robotic monsters that we struggle with against our foes is a sound strategy. Showing them the horrors my party and I have to go through in the form of toad-shaped machines will surely make us unstoppable!
And despite my recent trauma with the amphibians, they're still nowhere near as bad as spiders. Or as hideous to look at.
Anywho, I've decided to take an extended hiatus on the ToadBot project (for obvious reasons). Megumin's cat had run out of the house at some point and she needed my help finding it. Being the benevolent evil leader that I am, I was more than happy to assist.
"Remind me again why you're so insistent on finding Chomusuke? You're usually not this concerned about her whereabouts."
This is what I asked the Crimson Demon now that we were an hour into the search. I had really thought the little furball would've turned up by now, especially after sending a platoon of JackBots to scour the city. But either their optics needed some fine-tuning, or she was just that good at hiding.
Then again, she is a black cat. It's easier for them to blend into the shadows.
"You make me sound like a heartless mage who doesn't care about her familiar," Megumin scoffed as she stopped to peer down another alleyway, the natural home of all cats. "Chomusuke is a ferocious beast who can easily fend for herself. Today just happens to be bath day for her. She's been getting kinda stinky lately."
"Ah, that makes sense," I hummed in understanding. "If there's anything that would make a cat want to run away, it's a bath."
"Actually, Chomusuke rather enjoys baths. She just happened to wander off on the day she was supposed to get one."
I stopped dead in my tracks. Megumin was nearly about to turn the corner onto the next street when she finally noticed me not following her. She turned around, confused.
"What're you doing?" She asked.
"Taking in how fucking weird your cat is…" I answered plainly.
"Oh, get over yourself!" Megumin huffed before stomping over to pull me along. "It's not that unusual for cats to like baths. And even if it was, Chomusuke is anything but your usual cat. Reincarnated Dark Gods tend to love a good soak from what I've heard."
"You're still on about that? She's just a kitty, M-Bomb. A kitty with bat wings that can breathe fire, but a kitty all the same."
"Breathe fire?" repeated the Crimson Demon. "What're you talking about?"
Her confusion only served to fuel my own.
"Yeah, I saw her light up the fireplace one time when no one else was around. You seriously didn't know she could do that?"
We suddenly found ourselves in the most spontaneous and weirdest staring contest as the denizens of Axel paid us no mind.
"...you worry me sometimes, Jack," Megumin muttered as she crossed the street without me.
"You're one to talk, theater kid!"
The Drama course try-hard was very close to letting me have it when I was saved by the bell. If the bell made beeping sounds and was an automaton that is.
"Sir! Ma'am! We have located the target!"
The JackBots I had sent out to help look came hovering back down to earth. They also made some of the townspeople look on in equal parts awe and unease. That would never get old~
"Oi! Don't call my familiar a 'target'!" Megumin demanded indignantly. "Her name is Chomusuke and she will rain hellfire upon thee for such disrespect!"
"Apologies, Ma'am! No disrespect intended," the lead JackBot placated with raised claws. "Just a force of habit. The word 'target' is rather commonplace in the daily vocabulary of robots."
"Other examples include 'exterminate', 'destroy', and my personal favorite: 'vaporize'!" cheerfully added another JackBot, thinking he was helping.
He was not.
I steered the conversation back on topic while holding back a deathly silent Megumin slowly inching towards the oblivious bot. "So where is Chomusuke? I thought you guys would have the sense to bring her over if you found her."
"Yes, well…that was before we realized the situation wouldn't be so straightforward."
I raised a brow at that. Megumin had calmed down enough to ask for elaboration.
"What do you mean? Has another demonic servant come to capture her? Point me in their direction and I shall make them rue the day they - !"
"It would be easier if we showed you what we mean," interrupted one of the JackBots, very much used to the girl's shtick by now. "Trust me, this is a situation that requires a human approach."
With that, the bots turned and slowly hovered down the street, swiveling their heads one-hundred-eighty degrees to make sure we were following. Shrugging at each other, Megumin and I allowed them to lead the way.
After a twenty minute walk (I should seriously consider making the girls HeliBots of their own), the JackBots stopped in front of a random building I've never cared to notice before. Was this really our stop?
"You have arrived at your destination," jokingly stated one of the JackBots in a feminine tone not unlike that of a GPS. He got slapped upside the head for it by one of his peers.
"So our evil team mascot snuck inside this place then?" I asked aloud. "What's so special about it?"
Megumin stepped up to the front door, examining a sign hanging on it that I had missed in my initial confusion. She promptly read it out loud for everyone.
"'Melissa's Marvelous Animal Shelter & Daycare. All pets are welcome, especially the cute and fluffy ones. Business hours: 10 AM - 10 PM.'"
Melissa? Where have I heard that name before? Was it that guy with the magic sword, M-Something? But this one was almost certainly a girl's name…
"Infrared sensors indicated heat signatures similar to Chomusuke to be present inside," said the lead JackBot. "This is why we refrained from retrieving her; we didn't wish to get you in trouble with the business owner for barging in. Your orders, sir?"
My boys were so considerate. This is why they were the best.
"Well, in that case, I don't see why we shouldn't just go in and -"
CRASH!
"Gimme back my familiar or suffer the wrath of the Crimson Demon Clan!"
So much for not getting in trouble with the business owner when my partner breaks down their door with a single kick. A dull ache passed through my shins as my hands instinctively went to cover them.
"What the FUCK!?" screeched a lady's voice from inside as rapid footsteps indicated her approach. "I swear, if that's the Yatagarasu, I'll remind you why I'm not interested in - !"
The voice cut itself off when the woman it belonged to reached the entrance. She and I shared a look of surprised recognition.
"Now I remember!" I cried while pointing a finger at her. "You're that Thief chick I accidentally scared off!"
"My class title is Treasure Hunter. And you didn't 'scare me off'; just gave me something to think about," Melissa clarified pointedly before gesturing to Megumin. "I take it this little street rat is yours? Sorry, but I don't take in pests like her."
"That's it. I'm blowing her up now."
After a short but tense struggle involving everyone dogpiling Megumin to get her to stop her Explosion chant, Melissa took us inside for an explanation.
"So yes, as you can see, I now own a small business dedicated to helping cute animals," the femme fatale said with a healthy dose of pride. "While I haven't completely given up on treasure-hunting - that will always be my true calling no matter what - I'll admit, your words have provided me a…new perspective on things."
Interesting way of saying I gave her a reality check with my own personal horror stories, but alright.
"There will likely come a point in my life where I can no longer do what it is I love. After giving it some thought, I decided to use the wealth I've accrued over the years to open up a shop dedicated to my second favorite hobby: looking over adowable lil' fuwwy babies~!"
Melissa had been speaking like a normal person at first, even seeming resolute in her explanation. But then she quickly devolved into a gushy, blubbering mess by the end. She talked like she would to an actual baby, hugging herself and swooning over some imaginary thing in her head. It was incredibly awkward for me and Megumin. Even the JackBots were left uncomfortable.
"Hey, uh, you mentioned something about a Yata-whatever earlier," I pointed out in hopes of snapping Melissa out of it. "What was that about?"
Thankfully, my sudden question was enough to get the Treasure Hunter to stop embarrassing herself in front of us. "Hmm? The Yatagarasu? Just some petty criminal organization that targets businesses. They persuade the owners to hire their members for 'protective services' in exchange for not being harassed by said members. But let's just say I was able to demonstrate why I didn't require their services~"
Wait, there's been a criminal organization operating under my nose this whole time? If they're anything like Pandabubba's triad, I better not make any deals with them. I refuse to be cheated by yet another mob boss, thank you very much.
"Actually, you might find yourself crawling back to them after I'm through with you…" Megumin growled with balling fists. "We KNOW you have my Chomusuke and I WILL throw hands if you don't return her to ME, her rightful master!"
"Chomu- huh?" Melissa muttered in confusion. "What in the world are you talking about? I know Crimson Demons like coming up with weird, made-up words but at least try to speak normally."
One, you don't have a leg to stand on, Miss Baby Talk. Two, that was vaguely racist and I don't like it…
"Chomusuke is her pet - err, familiar," I said before quickly correcting myself when Megumin's ire was directed at me. "Did you happen to take in a stray black cat with bat wings and a red cross on her forehead? That's her."
"Oh! Well you should've just said that from the start!" Melissa said affably, as though all the chaos prior hadn't occurred. "Yes, I did indeed come across a cutie matching that description. Come, I'll take you to her right now!"
For the second time that day, Megumin and I looked at each other like we didn't know what to make of any of this (which we didn't). But, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, we rolled along with Melissa's change of heart and let her lead the way. I guess she took her newfound animal-sitting duties seriously after all.
The Treasure Hunter turned business owner took us down a hallway lined with cages. Each housed a little critter with the proper accommodations for a member of its species. There were the usual suspects like puppies and kittens, though not the one we were looking for. But knowing this crazy world, it didn't take long to see the more unusual creatures like fiery salamanders and onion-carrying ducks (better watch out for Nintendo Ninjas).
Hell, there was even an aquarium tank with Giant Tadpoles! And before you ask, yes, they eclipsed fully-grown Earth toads in size. Fucking monsters.
Something else I noted along the way was how virtually every animal we passed growled, hissed, or gurgled at Melissa who didn't react at all. Not only that…but I also just now noticed how she was covered in scratch and bite marks.
I should really start paying more attention to things sooner.
"Hey, not to question your methods or anything, but have you been feeding these guys lately?" I decided to ask bluntly.
Melissa's good mood soured when she turned her head back to me and sneered. "Of course I make sure they're fed, nitwit! They had lunch an hour ago! This is just how they act whenever I'm around."
Oh…okay?
As Melissa moved on ahead, humming a little tune to herself, Megumin took the opportunity to discreetly whisper a secret into my ear.
"I heard from Aqua who heard from Darkness who heard from Chris that animals don't share the same love Melissa has for them. Supposedly has something to do with being able to sense what a bitch she is."
Goddamn! I knew she probably had a bit of an edge to her personality, but I didn't think it ran that deep. I wonder if that's the reason she and Chris ended up going their separate ways. Can't imagine the "Chivalrous Thief" sticking with someone apparently THAT unpleasant.
"I gathered that last part from general gossip at the guild, namely Kazuma and Dust," Megumin quickly clarified. "She's the type who'll extort and demean those she deems as beneath her, and those two have complained about crossing her before."
"Wow…she's almost like a girl version of me," I quietly muttered to myself.
Megumin gave me a deadpan stare. "Don't flatter yourself..."
Hey, it's the truth!
"Well, here we are!" Melissa chirped, having taken us to a play area of some sort. Pet toys of various sorts littered the floor and the whole room was plastered in pretty pink pastels. I could practically feel myself losing evil points simply by standing in the room.
Regardless, we found the kitty of the hour having the time of her life on a scratching post. She paused her scratching business and meowed loudly the moment she noticed us.
"Chomusuke!" Megumin cheered, stepping over various chew toys to pick her up. "I've been looking all over for you, dark one! Now we can finally get you…hang on?"
With little warning, Megumin stuck her nose into the feline's fur and sniffed vigorously. Old Choms didn't seem to mind one bit, simply allowing her owner to do as she pleased. Cats really don't give a shit most of the time, do they?
"You…smell fine. Fresh even," Megumin declared carefully after pulling her face back. "Did someone already clean you?"
Chomusuke, proving yet again that she was not your average cat, meowed and nodded her head in Melissa's direction. The woman smiled bashfully as she looked off to the side.
"It wouldn't be much of a shelter or pet daycare if I didn't clean my clients, now would it? That little floofball of yours is truly something special. Not only did she behave herself while getting a bath, she's also been the first animal that didn't slash my face when I went to handle her. I'm also jealous she isn't a stray, I had half a mind to adopt her myself…"
I expected M-Bomb to fly off the handle again with a self-indulgent remark like that against her pet. However, to my surprise, she didn't. She smiled softly at Melissa, seemingly grateful.
"Thank you for looking after her. You did a good job, and you have a good thing going here. How much do I owe for your services?"
Okay, who was this body snatcher and what did it do to the real Megumin!?
"For a cutie-patootie like her, it's on the house," Melissa answered with a wink.
Now a Treasure Hunter is turning down payment!? I'm stuck in a Twilight Zone episode!
Melissa suddenly turned to me with a rather domineering smirk. "Although I really ought to be compensated for property damage. Let's say somewhere around 270,000 eris to replace my front door?"
Good, the sexy wealth hoarder known for being a bitch is extorting me. All's right with the world…
Wait, no it isn't!
"Why the hell am I footing the bill!? I wasn't the one who kicked your door down!"
"Maybe. But someone's gotta pay for the damage, and your Archwizard's kitty already paid me in kisses. Besides, word on the street is you're her party's leader. Shouldn't a leader take responsibility for their teammates' screw-ups?"
"Not if I can outrun that responsibility!" I declared evilly before making a break for the exit. "JackBots: keep her busy!"
With their adamantite armor plating and buffs from my new Battlesmith skills, they should have no problem stonewalling Melissa! Sadly, I never got to see how well it actually went. Because by the time I got to the opening where the front door used to be…
"Hello! Is Melissa in today?" said some random guy with a snarling White Wolf on a leash. "I was hoping to drop off my pet for a few hours while I go out drinking with the boys!"
I came to a screeching halt the second that mean-looking pupper blocked my path. He seriously called that thing his PET!? Was this the asshole that requested newbie adventurers like me go look for his vicious carnivore!?
The White Wolf attempted to lunge at me, barely being held back by his struggling owner. "WOAH! Settle down, Marshmallow! You don't want us to get another lawsuit, do you?"
It was then that the leash snapped. I tearfully ran back to Melissa for safety.
In the end, I was forced to pay for the broken door or have the police called on me. On top of that, Melissa had me do some…humiliating acts in front of her as an apology for my escape attempt. I will not get into the details.
At least Megumin had the evil decency to apologize for getting me into that mess in the first place. She even said she owed me too! So I plan to have her help me design a LawyerBot to sue the pants off the dumb bastard with the pet wolf. She's expressed a passing interest in learning how my robots work before, so I figured this would be a good compromise.
Speaking of robots (but let's be real, when am I not?), a certain reformed android wanted to test out her fighting capabilities on the field. I did give Alexis those upgrades for a reason, so picking a monster-slaying quest for her to go ham was a great way to collect data. But a brawler was only as good as the shield backing her up, and Darkness was more than eager to tag along (whether we liked it or not).
Admittedly, I was still feeling a little awkward around the Crusader. But I figured going out on business terms with a third wheel would make things less weird.
Just when I think I get used to Dark's masochism, she finds a way to reset my expectations…
The three of us were heading back into town after a quest to kill some monsters called Ropers. With how wacky the Fantasy World was, I had assumed they were weak kobolds who happened to have a model train level of enthusiasm for ropes and the like. If only it were that dumb.
No, because in actuality they were living, writhing masses of fleshy tentacles. All slimy and all very grabby. That twitch from Darkness when I showed her the quest should've tipped me off…
But we were already committed to the task by the time I realized the ugly truth. And while Dark's encounter with the Ropers made me want to question the meaning of life, Alexis pulled her weight and then some. She countered their tentacles with her own…tentacle…hair…things.
Note to self: come up with a better name for that feature.
At any rate, Alexis proved to be a capable fighter. Not that I had any doubts, I was the one to upgrade her after all. Although her old sadism programming did slip out in the middle of the fight. What could've been a good scare tactic on enemies that weren't mindless appendages only further aroused our…occupied teammate.
Today I've learned that Ropers, DomBots, and masochists are a combination no man is ready to handle. Ever.
"After we collect our reward, I'm taking a cold shower…" I mumbled to myself.
"What's a shower?" Darkness questioned, overhearing my talking to myself. I forgot showers weren't commonplace in this world.
"I've been told it's kinda like having a bath but if it were pouring down on you like rain," Alexis answered in a carefree attitude. "My creator uploaded various bathing-related 'scenarios' into my data banks. From what I can tell, his people were more partial to baths than showers."
"Well, that explains all the tricks you pulled on me in the hot springs city," I grumbled in mild annoyance.
The android gave a cheeky smirk. "I still can't believe you genuinely thought I was going to give you a normal 'back massage'."
"I was pent up and thought you were cutting me some slack!" I nearly shouted, accidentally earning some disdainful stares from the womenfolk of Axel. I resigned myself to sulking.
"It's not my fault stress makes my back muscles get all tense…"
"If it makes you feel any better, I can relate," Darkness admitted. "Back pain is something I have to deal with frequently. Even worse, I've become so used to it that it no longer brings me joy. It's just become a dull annoyance now."
"Color me surprised, Dark. I never figured you were one for poor posture or not lifting with your legs. That stuff adds up over time, you gotta be mindful."
Before I realized what was happening, I had found myself forcibly gripped by the shoulders and spun around to face the intense stare of Alexis. She was a mix between distressed and baffled beyond belief.
"Jack…you are a teenage boy. How are you THIS naïve!?"
"What're you talking about, Alexis? And could you please ease up on the shoulders? This is how you bruise 'em."
She loosened her grip slightly, but held me out in front of an equally stunned Darkness. "Boss, when a lady as well-endowed as her says she has back pain, it should be obvious what that means! You're smart, you've stared at her huge tits before. Put two and two together!"
Both Darkness and I were left a stuttering, flustered mess at that. On top of it all, more people were staring at me with open disgust. Whispers were shared amongst the crowd, and I think I saw a bikini-clad warrior lady slowly pull out a mace.
Gulping, I pulled Alexis along as hard as I could and just hoped Dark was functional enough to hurry along.
"Look, I know you have fun teasing us and all, but that was going too far!" I quietly yelled at the former sexbot. "Now more rumors are gonna spread that I do weird things with my party. I want to be known as a villain, not a pervert like Kazuma!"
"Sorry, boss, but I had to set the record straight. You genuinely had me worried back there," Alexis said with a remarkably straight face, her words earnest. Though she did cast her gaze aside and frowned. "But you're right, perhaps I did cross a line. I promise to stop teasing you from now on. Honestly, I couldn't tell if you truly minded it or not. Just let me know now and I'll knock it off. Last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable."
My irritation faded away when she shyly admitted that. Now that we were away from the onlookers, Darkness had time to compose herself, and she too seemed to feel bad for Alexis. I mean, it's not like it was entirely her fault; she used to be a glorified blow-up doll before I gifted her emotions. At the end of the day, she'd still figuring this whole life thing out.
And truthfully…I didn't completely hate the teasing. Even if it's a little more promiscuous than what I'm used to, it's still a sign of trust and endearment from her, right?
"It's fine. Just as long as you keep it at home or in private, I don't really mind all too much. Appreciate the concern though."
"Freedom of expression is an unspoken core aspect of this party," Darkness eloquently added with a soft smile. "Jack may be a hypocrite, but him telling you to stop being yourself would be very out of character. Especially when he's tolerated the girls and I for so long."
"What can I say? I've had time to extend the bar on my bullshit meter," I said with a smirk. My constantly rotating crew of weirdos back home unintentionally helped me learn the value of patience.
Alexis kept quiet, but the smile on her face as she closed her eyes and shook her head said it all to me. She was just happy to be here and to feel anything at all. Nothing gets to me quite like a machine opening itself up to life.
Well, actually, world domination still ranks as Number 1. But robots becoming human is a close second.
"Spare change, anyone? Every little bit helps..."
The three of us were collectively pulled out of our little moment when we came across him.
Sitting next to the upcoming cobblestone bridge over the river was a sad-looking man with dirty blonde hair and clothes. He had a blanket underneath him and was holding out a mug, begging passerby for money. It was -
"Mitsubishi!?"
The fellow Earthling, though startled at our presence, glared at me with great disdain. "That's a company, you idiot. My name is Mitsurugi. It's not that hard to remember."
"I take it you two know each other?" Alexis asked.
"In a manner of speaking," Darkness answered on my behalf. "This man attempted to steal us away from Jack by challenging him to a one-on-one duel. He lost when his own weapon was used to knock him out."
"Yeah, then I melted his magic sword down for parts and never saw him again," I said with just a hint of pride before gazing back down at the sorry excuse of a hero. "So what happened to you, huh? I thought you swore vengeance on me or whatever."
M-Guy grit his teeth so hard, I saw sparks flying off. He eventually looked away in apparent shame before sighing, the fight having left him.
"That was before I realized just how much I relied on the Cursed Sword Gram. I've done many great things with it in the name of Aqua-sama. It never occurred to me what I would actually do without it until it was too late. I've been struggling to make ends meet with just novice quests. I even had to sell my armor at a certain point…"
As much as I hate to admit it, I actually found myself somewhat empathizing. From someone who's both relied on magical artifacts in the past and had to scrounge up rent money, I could unfortunately relate.
"Hang on, aren't you loaded?" I found myself asking. "You gave me, like, five million eris upfront after I tricked you into paying me for the sword I didn't have."
He went right back to glaring. "Thanks for reminding me. As for all my past earnings…I donate most of what I receive to the Axis Church. That's why I had so much money on me that day; it was supposed to go to a priest I had plans to meet up with."
Never mind, I have no sympathy for idiots.
Alexis let out a low whistle. "Damn. Talk about a generous donation. You must be a pretty devoted follower of Aqua, huh?"
"Indeed. Believe it or not, I was reincarnated to this world to save it from the Devil King. It was Aqua-sama herself that blessed me with my magic sword," said Mistletoe with an almost wistful smile. "Might I ask who you are, milady? I can only assume you're a new addition to…his party."
Her mood was immediately soured as she narrowed her eyes at him. "It's Alexis, and I'd advise you to drop that tone regarding my employer. It's starting to piss me off now. Also, don't call me 'milady'."
Michelangelo's eyes widened as he held up his hands. "I-I'm sorry, ma'am. I meant nothing by it."
Of course he apologizes to the pretty robot lady and not the guy she was getting on his case for. Typical what's-his-name.
"Pardon me if this comes across as being nosey, but where are your party members?" Darkness interjected, stepping slightly ahead of Alexis in case she acts out. "If I recall, there were two girls accompanying you before, no?"
"Huh? Oh…" M-Guy uttered dejectedly with his head hung low. "Cremea and Fio. They're…gone."
Darkness covered her mouth to presumably hold back a gasp. She quickly knelt before the Japanese teen and put a hand to his shoulder, looking him square in the eye.
"I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the emotional turmoil of losing any of my own companions. Please, if you're having intrusive thoughts, there's people who can help -"
He hastily cut her off, "No, no, no! You misunderstand, they're not dead. They just went their separate ways. I'm all on my own now."
Then why did you phrase it like they dropped dead!? This fucking guy, I swear…
It seems even the masochist shared my annoyance too. Darkness noticeably increased the grip on Minnie's shoulder while staring blankly past him.
"Ow, uh, Miss Crusader? You're holding on kinda tight now - ow, ow, OW I THINK I HEARD SOMETHING CRACK!"
"Easy there, power bottom," Alexis playfully mocked while tearing her away from the bum with her hair grippers. "He's going through a hard enough time as is. A broken shoulder blade is the last thing he needs right now."
"What the…?" M-Guy stared in awe at Alexis's extensions. "How are you doing that? Is this some form of Advanced Magic I've never seen?"
"Nah. I'm a robot, kid. I don't wield magic."
"...r-robot?"
"She sure is!" I added proudly. "We found her collecting dust in an old perv's techno dungeon. So I took her under my evil wing and made her self-aware with my patented emotion chips! Y'know, the things I melted down your one-of-a-kind sword to make? Those ones. Hey, watch where you swing that mug!"
Out of nowhere, the psycho tried to attack me with the cup he was using to collect change in. Only after the coins scattered to the ground did he seemingly realize his mistake. Not that it mattered much since he had made an even bigger mistake: making Alexis angry.
Magenta and white strands of hair-like appendages quickly wrapped themselves around the guy like angry boa constrictors. The Medusa controlling them gave him a death glare that would have him wish he turned to stone. Despite the fiery hatred emanating from Alexis, her tone was emotionless yet cold.
"Unwarranted hostility detected. Refrain from further attacks or suffer the consequences."
It was similar to when Hans went up to sniff me back at the hot springs. He was so threatening, it made Alexis switch over to a more hardened robot persona, one without an emotion chip. The Ropers we just fought weren't even enough to trigger this reaction. Seems it only came out when she was either severely pissed or felt that one of us was genuinely in trouble.
I also briefly noted how Darkness stood closer to my side when M-Guy took a swing at me. Part of her may have just wanted the hit to herself, but I knew she was also concerned for my safety too. It felt nice having friends that care…
Just like how it felt nice knowing this chump was seething internally. Bet he wishes he had two hot girls protecting him! I'm allowed to call my friends hot, don't make it weird.
Milquetoast nodded like crazy, appeasing the scary robot lady as best he could. Alexis sneered before releasing him from her hair. He fell to the ground and winced, but wasted little time in collecting all the loose change he had scattered.
The android said nothing. She turned to me and her scowl softened to a more neutral concern. I gave her a small thumbs-up to let her know I was fine and that I appreciated the defense.
Alexis nodded before wordlessly walking up the bridge. I took that as my own cue to leave and followed her, not keen on wanting to stick around any longer. Although I did steal one last awkward glance behind me, only to find Darkness had stayed behind to help pick up M-Guy's change. What's more, she even gave him some of her own.
"Though I don't condone what you did, my heart still goes out to you. This should be enough for food and temporary lodging. I'll pray to Eris for you."
"...could you pray to Aqua-sama instead?"
Dude…
"I'll…pass along the message," Darkness said slowly before getting up and jogging back over to us. I stuck my hands in my coat as the three of us continued our trek to the guild.
Dark, you really are too kind for your own good.
"Psst, Jack. D-Do you think it's possible Alexis will get fed up with me enough to wanna t-t-tie me up in her hair like that~?"
At least you manage to live up to your namesake.
Leave it to Dark's kinks to lift the mood back up to lighthearted status. We collected our reward, went back home, and celebrated Alexis's first-ever battle. Between killing Ropers and saving us from falling to our deaths, I'm seriously considering giving her a promotion. Maybe I'll connect her to the JackBot network and have her lead the boys as my second-in-command. I trust her enough by now, and her aggression subroutines should rally her brothers in combat.
Still don't know what to make of M-Guy. That whole encounter with him was just sad. So much for having a goody two-shoes rival to butt heads with. As much as I love winning unopposed, part of me was kinda looking forward to him making a grand return to "stop" me one day. He could've been the Sonic to my Dr. Eggman (he was even blue while I had red!). Oh well I guess...
Anyway, that's about it for now. Like I said, there's always something to do around here. I almost don't even remember what I was anxious about…wait, now I do. Damn.
Whatever. Jack Spicer, signing off.