A/N: This update is my holiday present to you, enjoy.

What the Hell?

Ch. 12

Uncertainty

John closed his eyes, letting the water hit his face. It was relaxing. All of the built-up tension he had was gone for the time being, but he couldn't stay in there forever. He shut off the water, stepped out, and dried his hair with a towel, leaving it messy. John wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out of the bathroom to get clothes. "Robin, do you think anyone would care if I walked around the mansion nude?" She stared at him blankly. John grinned. "That's exactly the look I'd get with a couple of giggles." In two minutes John was fully dressed. Scooping up Robin, he exited the bedroom.

Stopping in the kitchen for a quick snack, John encountered a dilemma. Feeling slightly uncomfortable leaving Robin on the counter or on the table, he decided to make toast using his unoccupied hand. The only tricky part would be untwisting the twist-tie. After attempt number five, John decided to put Robin down. "Don't move," he ordered. A few seconds later, attempt number six was a success. By force of habit, John put his hand in his pocket looking for his lighter. For a second he forgot; and for a second, he felt foolish. He depended on an inanimate object that fueled his power, a power that defined him. Discouraged, John lost his appetite.

In the den, John relaxed, sitting in a recliner that was facing the fireplace. Losing himself in the flames, he sat there alone with Robin in his arms. He was alone, that is until Logan walked in.

"Who's the pipsqueak?"

"Robin," John replied with no hesitation. However, he knew what was coming next.

"You're the genius that came up with that name, huh?"

He shrugged. "I've never had a pet before, not that Robin is my pet, but yes, I named her."

Logan grunted in acknowledgment. "So what are you doing in here anyway?"

"Trying to drown myself in self-pity," John said, emphasizing the operative word.

"Well, at least I can finally say there is one human in this world that doesn't hate us."

"That's not funny."

Logan smirked. "Just a little."

"Leave me alone," John said bluntly. "I want to drown alone."

"What about, pipsqueak?"

John waved him off. "Just go." He would have flipped Logan off, but then he'd also be missing a limb and not just his gift.

"Suit yourself." Logan stopped at the doorway, turned, and started, "You know…" —John sunk deeper into the seat so that it'd be like Wolverine was talking to the chair— "Technically you can still control fire. You still can blow it out, and extinguish it."

John let out a loud groan and waited a few minutes before saying to Robin, "You're not a pipsqueak… well, not in my book anyway." He didn't notice Rogue standing behind the recliner.

"I think you talk to that bird more than you talk to me," she said softly, revealing her presence.

"Jealous?"

"Not at all… it's cute. I've never seen this delicate side of you. Frankly, I don't think anyone has."

"I'm just full of surprises."

Putting the jokes aside, it was time to get serious. She stood in front of him, blocking the fireplace from his view. "What are you doing to yourself, John? The broken glass, drinking, arson," she paused, "whatever this is…"

His grin faded. "Dealing with things in my own way."

"So arson was on your agenda last night," she said, matter-of-factly. "You didn't tell me." Rogue crossed her arms. "Were you ever going to?"

"It had to be done. I can't explain it." He avoided her eyes and her question, but he knew, she knew the answer.

Unable to come up with a reply, Rogue left the den showing no sign of emotion in front of him.

The fire had extinguished ironically just as Rogue left. John shook his head, at her, at himself.

Twenty minutes later, he was still in the same spot when Bobby blithely strolled in. "John, if you were a worm… would you rather drown, get fried on concrete by the sun, or be eaten by a bird?"

Enough was enough. John immediately stood up, told Bobby he'd get back to him on that later, and walked away.

John couldn't believe he was actually thinking about Bobby's stupid question; but it was better than thinking about his dreams, fire, and whether or not to find Rogue and let her in. It wasn't just simply 'letting her in' – it was everything.

Contemplating what to do, he paced back and forth in his room. Eventually, he decided to stop pacing because it wasn't helping, so he sat on the edge of his unmade bed. While in deep thought, dark clouds rolled in, covering the once-clear blue sky. A loud crack of thunder snapped John out of it, and pouring rain started thereafter. He slowly stood up and put his hand in the Nike box, palm face-up, this time giving Robin the option to come to him. Without hesitation, Robin walked over and hopped into his hand. This small gesture wasn't small at all. Unfortunately, John's mind was somewhere else; therefore, he didn't think much of it. He exited the room in search of his roommate.

Rogue held back tears while making her way through the corridors. She was about to exit the mansion when she realized what she needed to do. She needed to get inside John's head. It was the only way.

Rogue ran to Xavier's office and knocked on the door before entering.

"Have you located Magneto yet, Professor?" That wasn't the question she really wanted to ask.

"I'm still working on it. When I do, you'll be one of the first to know."

Rogue pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and asked him the real question, "I'm worried about John," she started, "he won't let me in. Something isn't right," she paused, "I need you to read his mind."

"Rogue, you know I can't do that."

"I know," she admitted. "I just had to ask. He's so angry and depressed. I don't know if he's trying to protect me or push me away. I don't know what he's thinking and we both know he can be reckless."

John found Bobby in the common room sitting on the couch watching television.

"Take care of her for me." John practically shoved Robin in Bobby's face as he instinctively took her from him. Once she was safely in Bobby's hands, John turned, walking out of the room as fast as he could without actually running. Robin let out a deafening screech. John heard it. Ignoring it, he continued.

He ran through the lower corridors without looking back. He stopped when he found the ladder to Rogue's safe haven. John took a deep breath before stepping onto the roof. It didn't take long before he was soaked from the rain. John stood at the roof's edge with various memories running through his head. They were the reason he was there, at the edge, ready to fall.

A/N: Are holiday presents supposed to be wrapped with angst? Have a happy holiday! I accept gifts in return, but only in green paper form. I know by this time of year most of you are broke, so reviews are just as good (even better).