It felt nice leaving at dawn with damped hair and cold, washed face.
The thin, linen shawl embraced your shoulders as it provided just the right amount of protection from the morning cold. You knew how it is nowadays; cold at dawn and hot at midday. You only had enough coins to hitch a ride with the haystack man back here in the headquarters once you're done at home, and you planned to leave earlier so you can walk.
Walking should feel good after being cooped up inside the castle.
You clutched the straps of your tote. Embracing the filthy pipe you got from the kitchen, you lightly made your way to the heavy doors of the Ehrmich castle, and opened it. It creaked— you had to stop and try again, not wanting to draw attention to yourself.
It was quiet— but again, for most of the time, the temporary place for Eren had always been quiet. The only difference was, the open, incoherent chatters of the soldiers were now replaced with crickets and cicadas. The bitter, pungent scent of Dama de Noche which said that summer is almost over, greeted you as you walked out the door.
It felt nice to not have someone up your ass all the time.
Until you heard the trotting of horses, and it told you that people are coming today. Right, you thought, now running a headache. There were more soldiers coming for their gear mods. You thought you mentally prepared yourself enough to tolerate the influx of gears the closer the expedition date got, but in actuality, your body cannot cope up, not even close. If you could split your body in two and three, you would, and even then, it might not be even enough.
When the horses got closer, you recognized who they were.
"Phoebe!" Jean waved at you, breaking the calm you've narrated to yourself. Behind him were the main players sans Eren who already arrived here weeks before them.
You didn't return the wave, but you waited for them to stop beside you. Sasha told you that they're under Dita Ness's instructions, then she asked you about yours.
"Hange Zoë," You simply said, just wanting to leave.
"Captain Hange's insane, I heard." Connie put his hands behind his head. "You doing okay?" You shrugged the question off. Of course you're not, you're exhausted you thought you're aging faster than the world rotates.
"Where're you going?" Jean's scanned your form. Your helpless, dying, exhausted-in-the-soul form.
There was a slight flop in Jean's smile.
"Day-off." You muttered, keeping that small smile as convincing as you could. "I was told I can get off half a day so..."
"They can't even give you a whole day off now?" Jean said with a tsk. "Do they even give you your rest days? The expedition's this week now, you need to be in a great condition!"
There weren't any rest days, but you're not going to say that out loud.
"Peak season, what can I say?" You tightened the line of your lip, really ready to go this time. You turned a foot to where they came from—
"You can take my horse," Jean said sympathetically. You were grateful that he cares, but you didn't like the pity that went with it. "We'll be here starting today and you might want to spend the day with—"
"I wanna walk Jean," You abruptly said, interrupting his concern. "I haven't been walking a lot lately and I'll be fine. You'll answer to sir Ness if you lend me the horse without telling him first anyway." He opened and closed his mouth as if there's something he wants to say...
"But where will you go?" Jean insisted, just in time when Dita's voice called out for them from afar. He glanced at the paper flowers you made out of old newspapers. You had to be creative since you didn't have much money on you.
And it was what you did when you couldn't sleep last night.
"Visiting some... people." You said, flashing him a quick, dismissive smile. You haven't seen them in weeks, and you felt more estranged than ever before.
You wandered in Trost, the closest town from Ehrmich castle. It was nearly midday when you arrived considering the distance, and although hot, the sights and scenes were breath of fresh air. It was just what you needed. Sunlight is a cure for unwellness and unexplainable lonesomeness so you basked on it as much as you could. Ponds and trees— just the perfect spot for picnics and hidden crocodiles; children playing with kites in the walkway of the fields. You wondered which snakes are rampant on fields. Spitting cobras could be one.
There were men returning from the hunt, possibly from Dauper's hunting ground. They tilted their leather hat and gave you a nod, in which you returned with equal tact.
When you got home, you first checked if the traps in your doorstep and windows had been tampered; looked for any sign that an intruder had been, was or is using your cabin as a hideout. Slumping your shoulders now a bit, you kicked your door— dodging an icepick that aimed at your throat, stepping backward to avoid the sacks of sand from your roof that slashing knife hiding in the supposed mailbox in your front door.
Yes, you've put traps in your cabin anticipating the movement of an imaginary intruder. You've got a key but Hange confiscated your stuff. You have to play intruder in your own home.
The sight of your cabin was a picture of your life right now: lifeless. A bit of dried this and that hanging everywhere; gray, moldy cloth stiff and forgotten... soil as hard and uneven as you left it.
A cup, a spoon, a plate... small pots and pans hang in the wooden wall you dared to call a kitchen. You didn't have much in it, living on it for years with the mindset that you'll eventually leave.
Your plant died too.
You didn't bother removing your shoe as you began to undo the screw of this particular floorboard. While all were pinned down by nails, it was intentional that you used a modern screw to identify which of these kept your money. It creaked as if to protest the sudden intrusion. You lifted the floorboard out of its mold, revealing your treasure underneath.
You had some gold and silver coins earned and hidden, after selling much of your stuff.
Hange and the lot don't need to know, but you had even more stuff before you decided to join the Survey corps. You sold it, mostly to Dimo Reeves or his rivals— whichever sold the better deal, and saved the more valuable coins in time of need.
And Levi's squad's lives need it this time.
The town bell chimed telling you it was almost time for the meet up with a seller, the gunpowder was the last thing you needed to fetch.
You hugged your tote, now heavier because of your materials. There were gunpowder and rusty nails, broken glass and sharp metal scraps— basically anything you could put inside the big pipe that isn't flowers and pillows. You planned to cover the goods with groceries, so the soldiers in the barracks won't pull a nerve of suspicion of what you were trying to do.
"Hey," You jumped at the sudden call, but you recognized the voice. Nanaba had been doing her own shopping, apparently having fun looking at baby clothes.
Baby clothes?
Nanaba's smile widened when you saw what she's holding, and it suddenly made sense. She always wore the uniform cape although it's summer; you never saw her lift anything heavy, and she always, always eats on time. Well... eats all the time.
"You caught me." She smiled.
"Does sir Miche...?"
"Good for you to assume it's Miche's." You raised an eyebrow and she giggled even louder. "But it's his. Bet you didn't see that coming huh?" Wow, she really thought they were slick.
"No," you acted surprised, you didn't want to ruin how happy she looked. "But, does he know?"
"No," She had this gentle, warm smile on her lips. The duality of her was what amazes you. Sporting a boyish cut, strutting down in the hallways with her gear like a badass bitch, and then seeing her smile like this...
No wonder Miche fell in love.
You would too.
"He doesn't know it yet." She winked at you with a heavy pat on your shoulder, "He'll find out soon though, I plan to take a break from the cause after the expedition." She took your bandaged palm and placed it in her belly, and there was this faint thump that caused her to smile wider.
That was... amazing.
"I'll be supporting you all on the sidelines so I won't be gone for good."
"Aren't you scared?" You suddenly blurted your thoughts. Your hand still on her belly, feeling the rare thumps inside her that you knew was a privilege to know before the father does.
"Call of duty. But I've been to a lot of expeditions so I think I'll be fine—"
"But that's not a guarantee." You cut her off with your rising tone. "You should take a break now— not after the expedition. Aren't you experiencing nausea? Vomiting? That could get in—"
"And that's why I haven't told anyone yet."
"Because they'll care to know what's good for you and..." you glanced at her belly, not knowing how to address the kid or fetus. But more importantly...
You just showed you care.
"I've been thinking of names but nothing good comes to mind." She diverted the topic when you opened your mouth to protest. "Do you have suggestions?"
"Ma'am you shouldn't go to the expedition..."
"Sometimes, I wonder why you're always looking stressed, but now I know." She stifled a laugh. "Don't worry about me! Worry about your first time outside the walls!" Her pats turned into a gentle slap on the arm, making you wince because the titan bite wasn't exactly healed yet.
"Sorry." She winced with you.
You thought hard of names. Searching your memory of notable warriors and etymology of names, you came up with two.
"We have this..." You hesitantly started, not lifting your eyes on the ground, internally debating if you can actually baptize an unborn child with a name. It's just a suggestion, right? It doesn't mean she'll take it here and now.
".. this guy who conquered almost all the places in the world I'm from. He was great, and so was his name." Nanaba urged you to go on, her anticipating smile boosted your confidence.
"Alexander." You dropped it, meeting her gaze. "It means 'defender of men'."
Silence stayed between the both of you when you dropped the name. Did she like it? Was it too much? Too common? You remembered Miche saying about 'humanity's fight isn't over until it gives up' or some shit like that so you thought she'll like it too...
The sun rays were stronger now, the air was humid.
The market was energized with sweaty, loud people.
"If she's a girl?" She urged you to continue, her eyes wide with subtle anticipation, your excitement building slowly in the pit of your stomach that she actually wanted you to go on.
"If it's a girl..." You searched her gleaming eyes that only intensified with the rays of the sun.
"Come on now—"
"Lucy." You said, "Meaning, light."
"It's Captain Levi!" You particularly heard his name out of all the noise in the crowd. Your neck was quick to turn to the crowd, your eyes searched for him, catching yourself late when you did, and stopped only after Nanaba was laughing at you.
"Don't worry, he's already looking at you," She stifled her giggles. "And that was fast, did you hurt your neck?"
You didn't have the slightest inclination why you did what you did. It's like a default searching for a tiny guy sporting an undercut and that ghastly brown uniform. Maybe it's your body's defense mechanism because he's been up your ass lately, like a damn pesky cockroach that shows up alone and suddenly you're dealing with thirty of them around your house.
But a part of you likes it— him sticking around.
If he was more pleasant and less nagging, you would've called this having a crush.
For now, he was more of a mother you didn't want.
"I don't like him." You phrased it so accurately but Nanaba only laughed.
"Miche and I started like that—"
"No— you don't understand ma'am," She gave you a single nod, her eyebrow shot up, like she's listening but knowing something you don't.
"Oh, I think I do—"
"No, he thinks I'm in his squad!" Your venting only earned chuckles, and that's not very comforting at all!
"That delusional little creep—"
"That's not me, is it? Levi muttered under your neck, making you jump the hoe shit beejeepers out of you.
Nanaba stood firmly, but struggled to hold a straight face. She acknowledged his rank and presence with a salute.
But you? You did too. Kinda.
"Johnson," Here comes mother—
"Yes sir?"
"You only have..." Levi checked his watch, "three hours before the test runs. Don't forget."
"Yes sir." Was your automatic reply. You'd love to remind him too that you also have three hours left of your 'day'-off and from him so if he could just let you enjoy it...
"By the way, where are you going?" Nanaba asked you.
"Memorial visit." Levi answered before you could, and he turned to confirm by looking at you. "Unless you've been."
"I'm on my way." You answered Nanaba. She nodded and bidded her goodbyes, tapping you in the shoulder before she turned her foot on the opposite direction.
"I'll take the first one, Febe. I really like that one." She winked, referring to the name Alexander, and you couldn't be any more happier.
Why is he following you in this alley?
Why is he turning the same point?
Why is he following you in the ceme—
"Why are you following me?" You turned around, letting out an exasperated sigh— "Sir?"
"We're going to the same place." He responded coolly, and you let your eyes wander to the brown paper bags he's got.
It's true. He had flowers.
You assumed that he's visiting Furlan and Isabel, or perhaps many more soldiers he's cool with when he was that inexperienced, naive soldier. You imagined the difference between that look in his eyes before— when he was a private, and this cold, seemingly unfeeling gaze that he now holds.
Like he's refraining himself from showing that he feels.
"Who cares..." You muttered under your breath, setting aside your thoughts about him. It's the squad you care about, not him.
You turned around, mind over body, you tried hard to pretend he's not there. You even hastened your pace and he did too. You thought of bolting to a run but being dubbed as 'Humanity's Strongest', what chance do you have outrunning the guy?
"Grave's this way." He tilted his head to point the direction of the tombstone.
"No," You said, "Marco Bodt and Mina Carolina had bodies so I think he'll be somewhere but not there." You forgot the 'sir'.
"Soldiers were burned—"
"Marco died after the burning." You informed him solemnly. You didn't bother hiding your irritation now. "He's buried somewhere—"
"You'll see his name there—"
"I'll be looking for Mina too."
"You'll tire yours—"
"Can you not tell me where to go? Or are you gonna tell me how to mourn when I get there too?" You snapped. He just doesn't know when to give space— and it's your 'day'-off right? Three hours, you still have three hours to not spend your shitty life in a windowless box they call a room while repeatedly revamping gear after gear after gear.
Just a few hours to scold Marco for being an idiot and apologize to Mina you couldn't make it on time.
A few hours to bid your goodbyes after postponing it for so long.
A few hours to tell them you've enjoyed every deep and shallow interaction with them.
A few hours that you might free yourself off the burden you know you'll still carry for a lifetime.
A few hours. That's all you asked for, why do you need to spend it with him too?
He looked at you like you've gone mad, yet it took you longer to understand why. Your breathing was heavy, your stance was solid and defensive; your eyes stung and you can just imagine how angry you were glaring at the Captain.
He didn't say anything, he just... looked at you.
"I'm sorry." You bowed, keeping your eyes on the lush grass, realizing you're still at their mercy. You're only alive because they let you.
"I'm so sorry sir."
"I saw their names last week when I was here." He broke the long, lingering silence. "We burned that guy. If they had a body, they're returned to their families," he scanned the lush cemetery poked with tombstones and final goodbyes.
"We don't have much space to bury the dead here, you see."
You peered to check his expression in your downcasted eyes, and he was still looking at you as if he's waiting.
The wind carried a cloud so large it casted over the sunlight making it appear it'll rain.
The rustles of the leaves sounded comforting.
The silence in the cemetery refocused your senses, all leading to those grey, storm-filled eyes.
He was patient just standing there, doing nothing, and you're starting to think he's waiting for you to make up your mind.
"Well?" So he was waiting.
What's with this guy? His presence irritates you, but without it, something feels incomplete.
Levi Ackerman
"Well?" She looks so unsure, just standing there doing nothing. She's angry, and if there's anything I've learned, anger has always been a response to something, but never the cause.
Maybe she didn't like that we 'somehow' ended up going to the cemetery together?
And I thought Miche following Nanaba everywhere worked.
Maybe she sees me as overbearing? Creepy?
I'm not screwing this up, am I?
She tried to calm herself with deep breaths and took her first steps. I wish I knew what she's thinking. What's she angry about, or what frustrates her that she's suppressed it far too long and now she's angry.
I took occasional glances over my shoulder as I led her on, noting that she rests that face with that slumped, defeated look. As far as I could tell, I'm ranked above her, and that was all we have.
That's what I'm exploiting.
I hate to say this, but I think I know what she's angry about now.
"I'll be quick." I said as I knelt down, placing the flowers in the slab of granite. She observed how I took out the chalk in my pocket and relined the faded grout in Isabel and Furlan's names.
"Sir?" She finally said after the silence. "Where did you buy that?" I blew the excess on the even surface.
"Office." I responded, offering it to her when I was done. It'll fade after a few days. Sooner when it's windy, and faster when it rains.
"You found their names yet or should I wait for you outside?"
"I haven't..." She just started looking for them. I joined her. Silence mostly filled our space, but I've learned to be comfortable with it.
I don't think she does.
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"Can I borrow your..." She looked at my hand, then anxiously at me. I could've handed the chalk, but... I can clearly see the state of her hands. How can she tolerate improving gears all day with those fucked up hands while sitting in a room with no windows, for weeks non-stop?
I can't even stomach writing reports that Erwin wanted me to write.
Talk about how 'lavish' that old man's party was when all it really was, was an utter waste of money.
"Where are their names?" I'll volunteer to write for her.
"I can do—" She finally looked at me after sighing. Am I that intolerable? "Here."
She laid out the folded flowers next to their names as I scooted closer to run the chalk over the de-bossed letters.
MINA CAROLINA. Said the first one.
MARCO BODT. And the name made me wonder. I know the guy's dead, but he was close to her that she insisted on visiting. That begs the question...
"Who's Marco?" I asked, playing it coolly. "You close with him?" I hope I didn't sound threatening.
She hesitated for a while and my ass is also starting to sweat. Just who is this guy? That night in the hospital, I knew she was crying but was it because of him?
It's not my business, but I still want to know.
"A friend." She simply said. What does she mean by that?
"You close?" Now I earned a questioning look from her. How did my tone sound like that I earned that look?
"I don't think I should—" They're in that type of relationship, huh? "I mean, you're my boss."
"You're on your day-off." I said, "I'm not your anything on your day-off."
There was a lot of hesitation at her end when she pressed her lips and her shoulders tightened. If she's weighing her options of whether to tell me something or not, I'll let her decide, but since she's considering it...
"How do you deal with this?" That startled me. No one asks that in the scouts and no one will teach you how to. You just... do. You sleep like you didn't lose anyone, and try to get on with your usual routine. What will you do, moping in the barracks all day?
"You just..." I started, but I didn't know how to finish. It sounded alright in my head but giving her the same advice somehow didn't sound helpful, at least, not for her.
"I don't know how to deal with the loss of a lover so..."
"What?" She snapped at me, "Marco's not my lover. For creeper's sake, he's half my age."
There goes the answer I wanted.
"He's..." She sighed again, this time, flopping her posture in the grass, sitting with her legs crossed. "I swore to look after him." Her gaze flopped in the grass, pulling some of it with her fist.
"I thought I did. Turns out... I couldn't."
"And that's your fault?" She peered accusingly at me. How dare I assume I know what she's gone through. "That guy went over the captured titans as if he's begging to be eaten. I don't know anyone who's not running away after seeing damned oversized idiots, and he saw two. Guess he's built different."
"Don't get snarky now—"
"I'm not badmouthing the dead, I'm talking about you." I flopped my ass next to her, and I can feel the intensity of her attention next to me.
I watched my hands wipe each other off the dirt, setting my arms in my knees, looking at the big ass cloud blocking the sunlight. Damn that cloud.
"Not everything that happens around you is your fault. You can only do so much." I looked at her sore, veiny, exhausted eyes, thirsty for every word.
"You're too arrogant if you think you can save everyone. Take the weight off your shoulders and just... live."
After a while, she snorted, breathing so audibly I had to take a look.
I had to take a look and watch her smile.
It was very small— very insignificant, but it was there.
There it is again, that same warm feeling the second time I saw her.
"What time is it?" Her eyes suddenly softened. Relaxed. At ease.
"Half an hour before your day-off's over." I checked my watch. She nodded, finding a stable footing to stand. Given her fucked up hands, she couldn't.
So I stood before she could, pulling her up.
And accidentally, pulling her close.
"Thanks," She muttered, while she placed her palms to my chest to stop herself from crashing into me. She felt thin and flimsy in my hands, but warm, smooth skin grazed my fingertips. I've lived life in a notch, always did. I don't know comfort, and I have no idea how to give one.
But it feels... good giving it.
For the first, meaningful time.
"I'm glad you're with me this time, Levi."
Her eyes exploded with life when she stared at me, and it made me want to do something.
With her, for her, to her.
Right here.
Right now.
See if I could post another chapter later. it takes forever to edit and proofread stuff and it's frustrating that after an hour, I still missed a grammar, or a spelling. But hopefully, you like the added Levi POV this time. It's kinda boring and monotonous writing only from one perspective so I thought I'll do two if it serves the story.
See ya, thanks for reading. Love you.