Chapter 6: The Loft Befoulification

Eleanor was beginning to think that she should have left some of Fenrir Greyback's pack alive, so she'd have targets to kill later. Perhaps she should go track down those Giants that worked with Voldemort. In any case, she needed something or (more satisfyingly to both her wolf and vampire aspects) someone to take her anger out on that wouldn't be missed. Her anger had been all over the place since Halloween (probably because her magic and mental workings were restabilizing themselves). She pointedly ignored Dracula's observation that she needed to get laid. Even assuming that was true, she was not going to impale herself on his stake just because it would help her anger management issues.

She shuddered. Between Howard in real life and Dracula over the still very weird mental connection that he apparently had with her due to being her vampiric sire, she was getting exposed to a lot more…adult entertainment. Leonard and Raj were little better if she was being honest. They just had the decency to keep their dirty thoughts in their minds rather than say them out loud. Unfortunately, Eleanor still found out about them.

Vampires were apparently very good Legilmens. It helped them both enthrall their prey and to figure out where best to ambush that prey if they had to put off their hunt. As a result, she now knew way, way too much about everyone in her group of acquaintances and a few complete strangers that she had foolishly looked in the eyes before she had figured out how to control the Legilimency probes. Dracula (or Alucard as he preferred to be called these days) had laughed the entire time which along with the headaches caused by an influx of knowledge, had not helped her mood.

Long story short, she knew about all the guys' fantasies involving her. Howard's fantasies were disturbing and consistent with her in some sort of leather outfit with a whip (yes, she knew it was a dominatrix outfit and yes, she now knew what a dominatrix was…unfortunately). Raj's fantasies were all over the place (she blamed the fact that he had Kama Sutra memorized for that). Leonard's fantasies usually involved her leaving and then a successful seduction of Penny (which really angered her for some reason). Surprisingly, Sheldon did have fantasies involving her. Less surprisingly, none of them were sexual in nature. Instead, she seemed to be a conversation companion and perfect roommate. She actually found herself enjoying those fantasies in spite of herself.

She also found herself enjoying the fantasies Penny had her in. Those fluctuated between mostly innocent and so…not…that Howard would be torn between embarrassment and awe if he knew those fantasies existed. She…didn't know what to think of that fact. The Dursleys had hammered home their version of normal for much of her life. That included all sorts of intolerant views that she knew were wrong. Yet…as horrible as the Dursleys were and by the gods they were horrible, they hadn't been as wrong as she had hoped about her birth parents and Magical Britain.

She shuddered again. It hurt to concede that the Dursleys were right about anything. She knew that just because Wizarding Britain sucked didn't mean the Dursleys were right about any of their other prejudices. A broken clock was right twice a day if it was an analog one but only once if it was a digital one. Eleanor sincerely hoped the Dursleys were a digital clock, specifically one that had an AM/PM marker on it.

She liked Penny. She enjoyed spending time with her. She was comfortable with their ice cream and Telly watching sessions. She enjoyed the cuddles if she was being honest with herself. Beyond that she…wasn't sure if she was ready despite how the wolf howled on the full moon and the vampire expressed her interest in beginning to collect a proper coven.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. She walked over the door and looked through the peephole. There was a blonde-haired woman, wearing a sleeveless green top with frilly stuff around the plunging v-neck and really short blue and white floral print shorts. The shorts covered her arse but not much else. Eleanor had a sneaking suspicion that this was the sort of woman who'd get along with Howard much too well.

With a sigh, she composed herself and opened the door, "Hello?"

"Heya. Is Penny here? I'm Christy from Nebraska. Figured I'd pop in since I'm in town to try my hand at this whole acting thing."

"I'm sorry Penny's not here right now. Maybe you could come back later."

"Well…you see I was kind of hoping to crash on her couch for a couple days till I found another place or a sugar daddy."

"That's something Penny'll have to talk to me about when she gets off work in a few hours."

"Surely, I could come in to wait for her," wheedled Christy.

"No," replied Eleanor firmly, "Neither of us were expecting visitors and I don't know you from Jessica up two floors. I'm sure you can find something to do in the meantime. Have a good afternoon."

Eleanor sent a wandless compulsion charm at her to get Christy to go elsewhere for a bit. Then closed the door. Hopefully Christy would wander off and not come back.

[Scene Change]

Yep. She was going to go find a giant or a troll or hell maybe she'd see if vampires could eat dementors. Unfortunately, for her sanity and her attempts at anger management Christy had come back. Leonard, of all people, had told her where Penny worked in exchange for…well let's just say that for someone who was set on getting into Penny's knickers he was very quick to take other women up on their offers. Eleanor was not amused to smell those activities on Christy (one of the times that she cursed being a werewolf as the wolf's nose was very sensitive). She was also not amused by the babbling nonsense that was Christy's mockery of a plan to make a name for herself in Hollywood.

For some reason, Eleanor felt a certain sympathy for Severus Snape and that was not a good feeling damn it. She was actually happy to be leaving for work after dealing with Christy for a day. Considering how much Eleanor was coming to hate working at the Cheesecake Factory…it was a damned good indicator of how annoyed she was with Christy. She could also feel Winky's annoyance with the ditzy blonde over their bond as Christy's presence prevented Winky from cleaning.

She made a mental note to stop putting off the trip to Gringotts so that she wouldn't have to deal with the Cheesecake Factory anymore before heading out to work at the Cheesecake Factory. Honestly, with everything that had happened lately she was just tired of dealing with it. Besides, the Acromantula silk/venom farm should have yielded a decent amount of cash by now seeing as she hadn't checked on it in roughly 7 years. The only thing that would suck would be the conversion rates from magical to non-magical currency but there were ways around that if you thought about it.

When she got back to the loft after work, she could smell sex. Worse, she could smell sex in the living room, particularly on the sofa. The kitchen also reeked of sex and her non-magical ice cream had been completely ruined. The caramel sauce was splattered all over the room. Her anger was only matched by the seething that was coming from Winky's bond. The only positive thing to come out of this was that Winky would enjoy the challenge of cleaning up the mess. That said, she was going to have the couch replaced. Some things just don't come out even if the item in question is 'clean' in every other sense.

She walked toward her bedroom and paused as she noticed Penny's door was wide open. Inside she saw Christy and Howard going at it and doing unspeakable things to Penny's stuffed bear collection. That…that infuriated her. She bit down on her tongue to keep herself from snarling and cursing them out (at a minimum) or indulging her more monstrous instincts (both the vampire and wolf agreed that someone had better pay for this befoulment of their lair). She turned and walked away before she could be spotted by either of the frantically mating people. She sent a mental note to Winky to hide her room or failing that the magic stuff that was in her room. Then she left the loft.

She went over to the guys' place and knocked.

Knock, Knock, Knock, "Sheldon."

Knock, Knock, Knock, "Sheldon."

Knock, Knock, Knock, "Sheldon."

….She really needed to get herself recentered soon. By Tartarus, why had she picked up that habit? Was it because….nope not thinking about that right now. Also, seriously? 'By Tartarus' when had she picked up that sort of phrasing?

Sheldon opened the door with a slight smirk before it turned into a frown on seeing her visible frustration.

"Tea, Eleanor?"

"Please."

Sheldon stepped to the side to allow her entry. Then he closed the door and relocked it before heading over to the kitchen to prepare the tea.

"Eleanor…are you alright," asked Penny looking up from the game (where she had just shot Leonard).

"That…that whore," spat Eleanor venomously causing both Leonard and Raj to recoil for safety (and in the case of Leonard start rethinking his antagonism toward the woman), "is never coming back to our loft or any building I live in. Howard is not allowed back into our loft unsupervised. They ruined my kitchen! There's…fluids everywhere! The sofa is wet! It's so wet I can see the spot. Sofas aren't supposed to be wet! And on top of it all, they're still… I did not want to see Howard naked or Christy."

She shuddered.

"So, you're asexual," asked Leonard hopefully.

She turned toward him and blinked, "What?!"

"You're asexual."

Eleanor looked at him. He had the audacity… Eleanor decided not to address that and instead walked by the desks. She paused. Something smelled off like a lot of chemical air freshener had been used to cover up another scent. She gave the area a sniff. Well, at least the smell of …certain activities…was only coming from Leonard's chair (and not Sheldon's). However, she doubted that Sheldon would be amused to find out what had happened in the work area.

She continued to the kitchen and accepted the cup of tea from Sheldon.

"The aerosol air freshener," he asked.

"Yes. It's rather noticeable," Eleanor didn't have to be looking at Leonard to see him pale a bit, "Is it just that section of the loft, or does the rest of it also have the smell?"

"Just that section," replied Sheldon, "I've been trying to figure out why. So far, my hypothesis is that Leonard indulged in a snack that had dairy in it and was unable to contain his flatulence."

"Perhaps," she agreed, ignoring Leonard's sputtering in the living room behind her, "On a somewhat tangential note, I don't remember telling Christy where Penny worked. Any hypotheses on how she located that information?"

Sheldon's eyes narrowed as he looked from the desks to Leonard to the door leading out toward the hallway leading to the other apartment to Penny for a moment before landing back on Leonard.

"That's another strike Leonard," he announced sharply.

"What?!"

"If Eleanor didn't tell Christy where Penny worked, Penny didn't tell Christy where she worked, and I didn't tell her where Penny worked that only leaves one person who could have. Before you try to deflect to Wolowitz and Koothrappali both expressed appropriate, or in Wolowitz's case inappropriate, levels of surprise on hearing Penny's lamentations about Christy. You did not. As such one can only conclude that you already knew of Christy. Normally, this would be unremarkable, however there has been a suspicious chemical disinfectant smell by our workstations since yesterday afternoon. Given that, what we know about the whore of Omaha and your own behavior around members of the female sex that express any level of interest in you, I have no choice but to believe that you contaminated the workstation area by performing some level of coitus with the slattern and then tried to cover it up. That violates multiple clauses of the roommate agreement and is well worth another strike."

Penny and Raj both turned to look at Leonard whose face was an interesting shade of puce. Leonard pulled out his inhaler and used it, wondering how the fuck Sheldon had figured out that based off Eleanor's random observation. Why did his roommate have to be an even more insufferable version of Sherlock Holmes at times?

"Strike," asked Eleanor.

"It's a baseball reference, Honey," replied Penny, ignoring Leonard's scowl at the nickname for Eleanor, "You don't know baseball, do you?"

"Not at all," Eleanor admitted.

"Well to score points, the people playing must hit a ball with a sturdy wooden club called a baseball bat. The person hitting the ball, the batter, can try to hit it up to three times when it's his turn to try to hit the ball. Each time he misses, he gets a strike. If he gets three strikes, he must give up his turn to hit the ball as he's now out. A lot of people use the system for their own relationships. So, if you hear 'three strikes, you're out,' and baseball's not on the TV then that's what's happening."

"A bit incomplete but essentially correct," admitted Sheldon, "It's why I use the system for my friends to regulate their presence in my apartment."

"Do you have a document outlining what sorts of things would get you strikes and what the consequences are for the strikes," asked Eleanor.

"I do. It is admittedly in need of a bit of revision given recent events," he sent a pointed look at Leonard, "However, the more generic clauses do cover this type of thing even if they do not spell out this exact sort of situation."

"Why can't I catch a break," complained Leonard, "I cleaned up and made sure that nothing got on your side of the workspace."

Penny's eyes flashed dangerously, "You have the utter gall to try to dictate my relationships while you're fucking Christy the Slut?!"

"Why are you still mad about that? It's been days."

"Because even if I was over it, which I wasn't, I keep finding out bullshit like this!"

"Sheldon," began Eleanor, "Can Penny and I use your window to access the roof? I think the two of us need to go somewhere and rant for a bit. I would suggest leaving the loft building all together, but I don't want Penny driving while angry."

"Of course. Would you like me to put some tea in portable thermoses for the both of you?"

"No thank you Sheldon."

Eleanor set her teacup down after finishing her tea and then led Penny out the window and up to the roof.

[Perspective Shift]

"What did Penny mean by Leonard trying to dictate her relationships," asked Raj once the women had left (and his mutism ended).

"I don't want to talk about it," muttered Leonard.

"On the contrary, I believe it does need to be discussed as it hasn't been a fortnight from the actual event, and to my knowledge you haven't apologized to either Penny or Eleanor, you haven't done the training as a result of the previous strike, you accused Eleanor of being asexual and you had some form of coitus with the slattern of Omaha in our work area."

Sheldon turned to Raj as he continued, "We were attempting to fix Eleanor's deplorable exposure to science fiction by inviting her and Penny over to watch Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope. Unfortunately, Wolowitz and Hofstadter decided to imitate Mystery Science Theater 3000. Eleanor decided to object to the fact that the good guys are the ones using mind control powers. While she conceded that the instance Old Ben Kenobi did to get them past the guards was relatively benign, she asked what stopped the Jedi from using the powers to get the Stormtroopers to kill themselves or each other. That led to a discussion of the Jedi Code…"

"Eleanor's a Sith," interjected Leonard.

"She admitted to finding the Sith Code less objectionable and explained her position using a well-reasoned argument. Leonard objected, calling her a 'genocidal maniacal madwoman' for her preference. When the discussion turned to what her Sith name would be, she offered either Darth Hydra or Darth Hemlock. Leonard used the first suggestion to accuse her of being 'evil' since she chose the name of a Nazi aligned comic book organization."

"Dude," began Raj, looking at Leonard, "She dressed as a female version of Hades for Halloween. If she wasn't thinking of the Greek monster, then I'll agree to add an Indian restaurant to our rotation for a week."

"She was thinking of the monster and the Star Hydrus," admitted Sheldon, "To continue the summary, Eleanor decided that being accused of being evil along the lines of comic book Nazis was the last insult she was willing to tolerate that day and stormed out after a brief lecture to convey her displeasure at all the insults. After she left, Penny asked Leonard 'what the hell' Leonard was doing antagonizing Eleanor, at which point he admitted to being jealous of Penny cuddling against Eleanor during the movie. He further confessed that he thought his and Penny's singular kiss on Halloween meant something. Penny yelled at him after that and explained what exactly the kiss meant and where they actually were in their hypothetical relationship."

Raj was silent for a few minutes, "Have you apologized to either of them," he asked seriously.

"No," replied Leonard sullenly.

"Are you ever going to apologize to them?"

"To Penny, yeah."

Raj frowned, "But not Eleanor?"

Leonard was tellingly silent.

"Do you want to switch apartments for a bit," asked Raj, surprisingly changing the topic.

"What?"

"My lease is up soon, and I can convince the landlord to let you take the spot. I can handle Sheldon's stuff and honestly if you're going to keep antagonizing Eleanor, you need a place that's not near her to retreat to."

"Why?"

"She's got the same look my Grand Uncle Ganesh had when he got angry with someone. He was jovial and nice most of the time. You cross the line and well it's a good thing you are not in India, Leonard. There are many more ways of removing annoyances there and much less difficulties that spring up afterwards."

"Are you saying that your Grand Uncle is a killer," asked Sheldon.

"Holy Krishna no," replied Raj, shaking his head, "I would never say that. I'm just saying it's a weird trend that the people who really anger him don't make it very long. Besides, she works at the Cheesecake factory and isn't a waitress. That means she works in the kitchen. The movie Waiting… should have told you the dangers of annoying the kitchen staff at a restaurant you eat at."

"You do take her modifications of the cheese dishes for granted," observed Sheldon, looking at Leonard pointedly, "I would recommend switching apartments with Koothrappali, so you no longer have to deal with the roommate agreement. You seem to have trouble abiding by certain clauses."

He pointedly looked at the work area.

"That…might actually be a good idea," Leonard admitted.

"I am willing to purchase the couch from you, Leonard," offered Sheldon, "I realize it's one of the furnishings you provided but it has taken a primary position in the apartment's ability to host people."

[Perspective Shift]

"Penny are you alright," asked Eleanor once they got to the roof.

"I…don't know," Penny admitted after a long moment, "I've been tired and irritable for the past couple of weeks, so I know it's not the usual problem. I haven't had sex in the past month so it's not the other problem. Not sure what's going on."

"Want me to check," asked Eleanor, "Had to get good with medical spells because of my time in school."

"Yeah, probably better to know than not."

Eleanor took out her wand and cast some diagnostic charms. She watched as a piece of parchment appeared and frowned at the results. She recast it just to be sure and got the same results.

"Penny, what do you know about Slayers?"

"They're always female, super strong and destined to die horribly young…Fuck! Does that spell ever mess up?"

"Nope, though there are certain things it can't successfully diagnose. The only other way to check would be to go by Gringotts. The goblins' blood test should get everything that's present at the time it's taken."

"Goblins?"

"Not quite as ugly as Tolkien. Fierce warriors, forced to become the Wizarding World's bankers. Honorable but not by human standards or at least not by Wizard standards. They handle all my finances including taxes and investments. I honestly should have checked in with them anyway to see if I still need to deal with the goatshit that's work."

"I thought you liked cooking."

"I do. I don't like cooking at the Cheesecake Factory and while Sheldon's nice, it's not my problem if his burger's not right."

"Fair. I'll miss you at work if you quit."

"Not as much as the Cheesecake Factory," replied Eleanor with a vindictive smirk, "They'll need to hire at least 3 people to replace me. Even if they find another Magical, I doubt they'll be proficient enough to run the kitchen themselves."

"Is it just work that's been getting to you lately? You've been more irritable than I have. I've also been sensing weird things from you. Like you somehow got sexier…," she trailed off and blushed as she blurted out that last bit.

Eleanor blinked and ignored that in favor of answering Penny's question.

"My Halloween took a dive after I left your party. Was subjected to a couple of very painful magical rituals. I think I would have died if not for a certain trench coat wearing pain in the neck and someone shoving a potion down my throat."

Penny looked horrified, "How can you be so…uncaring about the fact that you nearly died?"

"I got used to it. My former relatives would have killed me long ago if I hadn't been freakish and had magic."

"Did you kill them," asked Penny, whose eyes seem to indicate that she would approve if Eleanor had.

"No…though I do need to visit a puppy mill when I go back to England. I'm pretty sure that one of the rituals I got hit with on Halloween disowned me from my birth family. So, I'm no longer related to the abnormal freaks."

There was a viciousness to Eleanor that Penny found appealing even though she knew that she shouldn't. She looked at Eleanor again trying to pay closer attention to her. Were her teeth a bit sharper?

"Eleanor…are you a vampire?"

"I…think so," she admitted, "I'm not sure how it works with the whole werewolf thing, but I guess if The Vampire wants to make you into a vampire, you get made into a vampire."

"The Vampire?"

"The one everyone's heard of."

"You mean Dracula?"

"You called Slayer Girl," drawled a deeply amused masculine voice.