Therapy fucking sucked.
Correction, most of therapy fucking sucked for Katsuki in particular.
Shortly after that godawful talk with his pops, Katsuki had been informed he would be going to see some shrink, he had wanted to fight it, but Katsuki was simply too emotionally exhausted to even speak much less protest their decision.
The rest of the month was spent in and out of therapist offices and he hated every second of it.
Unfortunately, each session was near torturous for him, Katsuki would be forced to uncomfortably sit on a stupid couch with the godawful therapist either trying to pry into his head or forcing himself to relive how much of a piece of shit he was, and all the while he would have to hold back from blowing up at them, but Katsuki usually failed and that made him feel worst about all of this.
But after what seemed like an endless revolving door of therapists, the last one he saw was the one his mom went to and while Katsuki did lash out at him, the geezer did give his parents some advice and a recommendation for a different therapist and thank fucking God for it cause otherwise Katsuki really would have lost his shit.
It turns out that Katsuki wasn't as batshit as they feared, he just couldn't deal with "traditional" therapy. So, his hag's shrink told them he might fair better with a "productive" method of therapy and gave them the number of a therapist who specialized in it.
And ever since then, Katsuki would catch a train to a more urban part of Musutafu and would go to this crappy little pottery studio. It wasn't an upscale place in any sense of the word, but it damn well served its purpose, hell he didn't care when the woman running this popsicle stand occasionally pushed his damn buttons.
Speaking of the shrew, she turned her head towards the door as soon as he entered because of the little doorbell and grinned "Right on time like always blondie!" she playfully teased and he tched back at her dropping his backpack off in the closet for visitors. "I already got your wheel ready so go wash up." She instructed her tail pointing at the sinks.
Katsuki rolled his eyes, he damn well knew where the sink was thank you very much, but he kept his displeasure limited to a scoff and washed his hands with the bottle of soap he always carried with him then grabbed his work apron out of his backpack ignoring the ones provided, the shrew didn't say shit about it and was just waiting for him to get started as she ran her own wheel.
That was one of the things he liked about the shrew, she didn't give him trouble for having his own separate crap. Most dumbasses didn't realize that because his sweat was explosive, he had to be an OCD clean freak unless he wanted to blow everyone sky high... Or that he couldn't just throw his clothes in with the regular laundry and call it a day.
Katsuki took a moment to think about what he wanted to make today before settling on a pair of matching pots for his parents' upcoming anniversary, he grabbed a large clump of clay and let it plop down on his wheel then sat down and got to work "So, how are things going at school Blondie?" The shrew asked once his hands and feet were busy with the glob on his wheel.
Katsuki scoffed "Teachers are being fucking annoying, some kid in another class had a quirk accident cause his classmates had the bright idea to lock him in a janitor's closet. I mean, who in their right mind locks a kid with a quirk that goes feral at night in a dark fucking closet?" He ranted, the teachers had been pretty useless after the fact other than giving a pretty half-assed scolding to everyone involved.
Which was kind of fucked in his opinion cause Patchy hadn't done anything wrong, he might make something for the kid too while he was at it, not like the shrew cared how much clay he used "So nothing new there, what about at home?" She asked absent-mindedly and Katsuki shrugged as much as one could when they were molding clay.
"Pops and the hag had to leave to meet the corporate bigwigs in Hong Kong, Auntie Inky cried a bunch yesterday because she wouldn't be able to get the day off for Dek- Izuku's finals." Katsuki answered cursing himself for the slip of the tongue, if there was one part of his behavior that he would change already, it was using that stupid nickname.
When he gave it to Izuku all those years ago he was just being a little petty, he didn't like Izuku calling him Kacchan so he started calling him Deku because in his bratty toddler mind it was fair. It had become a habit before long and he never really thought of changing it because close friends use insults as names all the time, and he had never used it maliciously since he was six.
It was one of the reasons it was so hard for him to pry the nickname from Izuku and, despite what the shrew said, Katsuki was beating himself up over it after slipping up for almost two years.
"That sucks, did you get the kid anything?" The shrew inquired not addressing the slip-up and Katsuki hesitated "I got him some cupcakes and gave him that mug I made for him a while back." Katsuki admitted, for all he called Izuku a stalker he didn't think Izuku's notebooks were stupid and had read them from time to time, so he knew some of Izuku's favorites by heart.
The shrew nodded with a hum "Okay, now that pleasantries are out of the way, let's get to the meat of today's session." She told him "It's been a long two years since you first walked into my studio, Blondie." She commented and Katsuki nodded, working on the emotional shitstorm in his head was like pulling teeth even with pottery helping him unwind.
"As cliche as it sounds, it doesn't hurt to remind yourself of how far you've come. You can remember how you were back then right Blondie?" She questioned making him scoff "A massive piece of vile shit." Katsuki unashamedly proclaimed, the shrew gave him a look that didn't make him feel judged but implored him to continue.
"I would constantly hunt down the person I considered my closest friend and my brother and beat the crap out of him while telling him that he was worse than useless because he was quirkless." He explained feeling some kind of pride for how he could admit it without being defensive anymore "I wasn't much better to anyone else, but I was the biggest asshole to Izuku in particular ever since we were toddlers." Katsuki clarified only to curse as the pot fell over and he had to reshape the glob to start again.
The shrew nodded "We've talked about some of the things you've done before but we haven't dug into it, do you think you're ready to start talking about the details there?" She inquired, Katsuki's hand twitched and the foot on the pedal powering the wheel stopped. He opened his mouth and closed it, he took a deep breath and forced his foot to go back to powering the wheel.
"I... It's hard to put that crap into words. I don't know when it started but at some point, I just couldn't talk to anyone anymore about anything because I'd just get pissed off. That no matter what I said, it felt like no one could understand me, even my parents and Auntie Inky. Eventually, it just felt like I was screaming at those dumbasses in horror movies whenever I tried to talk with anyone... Well, everyone except for Izuku. It was one of the reasons I was so frustrated with him." Katsuki confessed, glad his hands were busy with clay.
"Oh?" The shrew softly pressed and though his initial response was to clam up, Katsuki begrudgingly went on to explain what he meant.
"Sometimes- No, all the time when I got angry enough, it felt like something forced me to be in the passenger seat of my own fucking body, and the only thing I could do is to try to get back in control before I did something incredibly fucked up."
It truly was disturbing how odd it was not to have to fight for control of his body anymore, he still had to, but it was only once a week at most and it had become easier to regain control.
"I'd always do something bad when that crap happened, it was just fucking unavoidable. I was more likely to get physical and use my quirk on someone and God knows how much bullshit I spewed because of it. Even when it didn't take over, I could never just fucking say what I meant God Damit. It always came out twisted into some toxic bullshit and I'd get so damn frustrated because of it." He elaborated feeling distinctly uncomfortable admitting any part of this to anyone.
"Honestly, until I was eight, I was convinced that Izuku had been misdiagnosed and had some kind mind reading quirk or a shitty empathy thing, because no matter what he just seemed to know what I meant to say and tried his best to help me keep a lid on my shit... Most days back then, it was like we were the last two people with brains on this crappy planet." Katsuki confessed scoffing at how dumb he used to be about quirkless anatomy despite growing up with Izuku.
"With a mindset like that, it's no wonder you call people extras, like movie extras?" The shrew guessed and Katsuki nodded "It still feels like that... It's gotten better. It's easier to say the crap I mean but it still gets jumbled most days." He reluctantly told her. The shrew paused noting it but saying nothing, she preferred to let Katsuki fully unload on her with little comments in between to encourage him to continue.
Katsuki's brow furrowed and wondered if he wanted to continue this discussion or shelve it for later, he could stop there and go on about what he'd make himself for dinner that night and the shrew would let him, but he didn't want anyone babying him, not even himself so he sucked it up and braced himself.
"That was why I would get so pissed at Izuku. He was the only person who could hear me, always knowing what I was trying to say. Hell, he could even predict when I was going to have a fucking blackout." Katsuki said knowing the shrew would understand the significance of what he said.
His blackouts were the only time he was terrified of himself. He never knew when it would happen but every time it happened, he'd wake up to situations that horrified him, the worst of them all was coming to and finding himself standing above a badly beaten Izuku with his hands still crackling with mini explosions. That wasn't something new, but it was how calm and smiley Izuku was right after he came to that made him feel even more disgusting than usual.
"But despite that, that fucker never took any of my advice or trained with me so we could be heroes together. With everyone else, they never listened to begin with, but it was clear Izuku was choosing to fucking ignore me... Or that's what I thought." Katsuki growled getting close to finishing the first pot "I made a shit ton of mistakes about Izuku back then and I seriously doubt I'd ever make up for any of that clusterfuck." He pessimistically spat before standing up to get the wire so he could cut the first pot free.
The shrew offered it to him with her tail when he couldn't find it on the hook. "From what I've heard, Izuku sounds very forgiving." She commented making Katsuki tsked "That's the fucking problem." he snarled as he took the wire and freed the pot then set it on the fire rack "I beat Izuku black and blue daily, damn near broke his bones, and fucked up his brain with my quirk. And all I'd have to do is say a crappy half-assed sorry and he'd instantly forgive me." Katsuki ranted scooping up another glob of clay.
"Is that why you've been avoiding Izuku?" The shrew softly pressed, Katsuki was about to shout he wasn't but reframed from that and worked on his clay before he continued "Yeah... He's a loyal mutt. He'd always tell me it was okay after all the crap I gave him. It was one of the parts I hated the most about training. It always left me feeling like I was one of those abusive fuckheads that beat their spouse." He begrudgingly admitted through gritted teeth then scoffed "Probably should have listened to it, I wouldn't be as much of a shithead then." Katsuki added.
The shrew huffed at him "You could be way worse Blondie, you're trying not to be a jackass anymore." She told him getting a sharp look from Katsuki and the shrew rolled her eyes "There's a difference between being an ass, an asshole, and a jackass. You were a jackass before, you're an asshole right now and maybe one day in the future you might just be an ass." She explained to him.
Katsuki huffed "How is that supposed to make me feel better mousey bitch?" He spat making the shrew laugh shaking her head "Blondie, we both know you'll never be the 'sugar, spice and everything nice' kind of person, and that's fine. Will you be popular with an attitude like that? I doubt it, but some people like an ass so don't try to change that much Blondie. The world needs more people willing to call bullshit." The shrew elaborated with a playful wink and Katsuki had to hold himself back from flinging the half-made pot at the shrew.
"I don't need to know any crap about your sex life you fucking shrew!" He yelled and she had the gall to laugh at him which made him angrier, fucking bitch.
Therapy fucking sucked but it at least got him into pottery.
Hello there, as some people have commented my handling of Katsuki and I'm glad.
I been trying to keep the characters grounded not only in their canon personalities but with some of what I interpret mixed in.
And from what I can gather from canon Katsuki I think it would be reasonable to conclude that a young Katsuki would've completely misread the situation as dumb kids do and after years of trying to "help" Izuku and feeling like shit for it gave up on Izuku ever getting his act together sometime during Middle school.
This disappointment with who he considers his brother combined with his anger issues in my mind is what I think leads to the spiteful and confused Bakugou from canon that thinks Izuku is constantly looking down on him and ignoring him.
Also, as a foot note, when I looked into Explosive disorder it really lined up with how canon Katsuki acts, and the symptoms of an untreated TBI have had me questioning what's canon Izuku's personality and what's a symptom.