Lucius was still hanging out with Dumbledore instead of flying the plane.
"So, do you ever do anything interesting anymore or you just lay around and fuck with your house elf and stuff?"
Dumbledore:
"yeah I don't even think of it as fucking with him anymore, it's more like terrorfucking i guess, like I'm just fucking with him but also terrorizing him, yknow, but I'm starting to get pretty bored of him so I might try freeing him and then tricking him into still working for me somehow, which might be easy because house elves are basically retarded."
"that sounds pretty chill," Lucius agreed,
"maybe you could find some crazy way to fuck with him one last time somehow...y'know like you still give him his freedom but you massively fuck up his life in some way" he was too baked to offer any further suggestions though, the geeb had wrecked him.
Dumbledore laughed, which turned into coughing.
"I'll make him get a tattoo that says 'Doppy Sucks' on his forehead or something!" He said once his lungs had settled and his coughing fit subsided.
But Lucius thought that was unfunny and became surly, "that's stupid." He lit a cigarette and blew some of the smoke in Fawkes's beakface.
"Bro!" Dumbledore scolded his guest "quit harassing my pheonix dude that shit is rare"
"Like you even care," Lucius responded, his brooding saturnine mood had once again overtaken him, "all you do is freak him out with your rampant perversity"
"Why don't you suck five dicks and fall down the stairs," Dumbledore snapped back wittily.
"You can be a real bitch sometimes," Lucius muttered.
Luscious Lucius Malfoy didn't know why he hung out with Albus sometimes, even iff he gave the best 'pipe cleaner' around. But then with a sudden joyous recall his face lit up and he called out,
"Do you still have that blood crusted strap on dildo laying around?"
"Oh you mean the one that I dipped in a boiling cauldron of demon's blood and then sodomized Hagrids half brother to death with? And then the ministry got all huffy about it and tried sending it back to hell but the devil was too scared of it so he sent it back?"
"Yeah that one." Luscius agreed.
Fawkes shuddered at the mention of that wretched artifact, as the immortal witness to Dumbledores depravities Fawkes coal black eyes were etched with the immeasurable horrors he had been made to witness, yes, he remembered the blood crusted strap on. As he would for all eternity. And so did Dumbledore! Or it would seem so because the old fellow hopped up from his seat and went scrambling over to his closet.
After a moment of ruffling and rummaging about he emerged with the item in hand, a wide grin stretching his face. He had caught a vibe with Lucius and knew exactly where the old bastard was going.
In Dumbledore's long slender fingers (they don't call him 'Albus 'Pipe Cleaner'' for nothing) he held aloft a 13 inch long blood spattered strap on dildo. Originally the shaft and head were wrought with inlays of the finest gold leaf and painted with painstaking strokes such an intricate tapestry of painting as one could wish for, though now this all was worn down with use. It had seen much use.
"Doppy!" Dumbledore called out in a bellowing voice of magical command.
BAMPF! The house elf appirated right to the spot!
Doppy's watery bulbous eyes went immediately to the girthy blood crusted strap on dildo in his cruel masters hands and he fell to his knees blubbering and holding his feeble scrawny arms above his head in his extremes of woe. Dumbledore had often threatened Doppy with ill-fated strap on but had always held back since it would have most likely irreparably damaged Doppy's hips, making him mostly useless. But Albus had somewhat crueler plans in his wrinkly old mind.
"Doppy! As you know there comes a day when every house elf earns his freedom."
Doppy could almost not believe his gigantic bat wing like ears. Could he really be free!?
Dumbledore continued; "And that lucky elf, once putting on an article of their masters clothing is free forevermore, so come forward," Dumbledore held the blood crusted strap on out to Doppy while taking a knee and bowing his head, "and retrieve your freedom at last!"
Doppy ran forward so excited he nearly tripped over his gigantic ears, he grabbed the strap on out of Albus's long slender fingers, which had always sent a chill down Doppy's bruised and battered spine. Despite the perversity of the object he put it on straight away, clicking the buckle into place around his hips with a rapturous smile and tears in his enormous bloodshot eyes.
"Doppy is so happy sir mr Headmaster Dumbledore sir! How can Doppy ever repay you?" He wanted to know.
Dumbledore placed his spider like hand on Doppys shoulder like a kindly old grandpa, "You've payed me back plenty, just be sure to tell them Albus sent you when you go to hell after you die, which you will definitely be doing now."
"Oh no!" Doppy cried out, tears of despair washing out the rapture-tears of earlier. Lucius chuckled in the background and took another shot of gin.
"Oh yes, Doppy," Dumbledore scolded. "You foolishly rushed forth before I could tell you about how that very strap on you are now bound to wear is cursed by the devil himself and when you die you shall surely be consigned to flames, and appointed a spot of upmost torment and despair. Now get back to work you lazy little fucker, the students are due back any day now and I want them to find plenty upon plenty of bowls of custard waiting for them upon their much delayed return!" Albus barked at the scrawny little elf and sent him running, pulled off center by the weight of the blood crusted strap on, back down the kitchens when he could just as easily have appararated him there.