Polygraphs and Pesticides

"Did you know Polygraphing was very prevalent until The 1988 Employee Polygraph Protection Act outlawed their use during job applications?" Luna asked Spiders but Spiders wasn't really listening but Luna continued unabashed; "people complain about Personality Tests during the Job Application Process because they unfairly discriminate against crazy people but on a non-polygraphical test lying is still possible..."

Luna trailed off into nothingness.

Is was clear Spiders was too hungry to listen to her.

The plane has just kept on flying and going since around the end of Summer of 2017 and now here it is Christmas of 2020 and it just rambles on... probably because there is no pilot... so they ran out of food a while ago. Which you would think would've taken care the bug-problem but it surely didn't.

There are cock-roaches just about everywhere. Many of the passengers have taken to looting the luggage compartment and spray themselves all over with the pesticides which they found therein.

A pesiticide glossy first year Slytherin breezed past Luna making quit a loud smell on her way.

MEANWHILE

Spiders' belly rumbled, famished.

"I'm hungry!" Spiders said.

She had spent so long preoccupied with her band, the Chumbawumbas and then strung out on Boogers that she hadn't even really noticed the complete lack of food for the past 18 months but now that she is sober and unoccupied( the 'wumbas having finally 'cut' their first album, now awaiting the finilization of their record deal with none-other than Waylon Strutters himself, were on a brief 'hiatus') she is malnutrition.

She is so hungry she decides to make a Spiders-web from ropes and glue with the aim to catch her a couple Elfs or maybe some of the smaller first and second year students, though now that they've all gone a crashdiet all the passengers are now quite thin.

It works!

Within a few minutes a couple of elfs managed to stumbled into her sticky sticky web of ropes.

"Ahh! Smiffy is stuck 'e is!" One of the elfs, Smiffy, presumably, called out.

"Glolop will save Smiffy!" The entangled elfs companion called out. He pulled the gun he'd suitcased earlier out and began firing wildly.

BLAM BLAM BLAM

The shots rang out all over the plane!

In some sort of crazy reverse-echo / ripple effect the suddenly loud noises caused an equal and opposite reaction of silence as a hush fell upon all previously mobile lips. The passengers leaned into the sounds...

Glolop was trying his damndest to save his friend but his plan didn't seem to be working!

The first volley of bullets tore into Smiffy's chest and shoulders completely obliterating his frail bones shattered and flew every-which-way.

"ARRRRRR!" Smiffy cried out.

Glolop retrained his aim and tried again...

BLAMBLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM

More shots echoed out, unfortunately these didn't seem to do the trick either and just as Glolop was convinced that either-way his old friend didn't need saving anymore a great hairy beast jumped upon the web-entangled bloody-and-torn-body.

It was ... Spidres! All the tarantualas crawling all over her at any given time and even she herself had been hungry before all this bloodshed but now that there is blood in the air she is overcome with a sort of 'blood lust' and falls upon her prey savagely!

A crowd had gathered, drawn by the screams, annoyed at being awoken from their hunger sleep.

"See this is what happens!" Ron drawled indignantly in his thick southern-accent "yall take guns away from all the law abiding students and teachers and this Elf thugs are the only ones who got guns!"

Recently Biden had boarded the Return to Hogwarts Express to outlaw guns in case you missed that chapter. All the passengers, minus the suitcasing elfs, had thought this a great idea at the time and willingly given up their fire-arms but now that Ron had pointed out this conundrum the tide of public opinion was beginning to undergo a sea-change.

The crowd is fascinated watching Spiders feed... but then Harmonica intercepts her and kicks the ragged remains of Smiffy from Spiders' blood-flecked mandibles.

"You can't just eat Elfs alive! They have rights and a union now!"

"Whaat?" Spiders can believe it!

"Just who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" Spiders wants to know.

Harmonica smirks and folds her arms, "oh, just the president and founder of the National Institute Guaranteeing General Elf Rights."

Just then Hermione's death wail reverberated through the plane (And the entire world) sending everyone except Harmonica tumbling over in the blast.

Harmonica was just able to hold her ground because her Annunanki-blade, Death Maker, had warned her of the incoming sonic blast death rattle. Harmonica raised Death Maker, sharp end out, just in time.

"Raaa!" She let out a roar of effort as she cut the sonic-blast of the dying of a Hermione in twain. It took nearly all of her effort and she fell, slumping down ontop of what little remained of Smiffy who by that point was actually quite ergonomic and comfortable.

People all over the plane were still stunned, only a few had managed to regain shakily their footing.

Sirius came bounding down the aisle in an absolute dervish of anxiety.

"Has anyone seen Zach Braf!?" He was whipping his head back and forth scanning the seats and the aisle frantically looking for S.C.R. and Garden State superstar Zach Braff.

"Oh my God!" Harmonica wailed in earnest. She and Spiders made up and began helping Sirius locate the undoubtedly delicate actor.

"Over here," they eventually heard a nasally voice whimper out from beneath a pile of Elf-slave-corpses.

"Oh God No!" Siurius wailed and bounded to the pile. He began flinging the elfs left and right over his shoulder, some were still alive and they hollered out "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey" with the voices receding the further off they got, but most were damaged beyond repair and dead.

"Ewww someone help they're all over me!" Zach wails and Sirius, sweaty and grunting, redoubles his efforts.

Finally Sirius managed to fully extricate Zach Braff.

Zach Braff's eyelashes are about 3 inches long and grow straight out from his eyelids, only deigning to curl at the very tip. They are diaphanous and elegant and when he blinks they looks like the fluttering of butterfly wings. He rarely does, blink, but has learned over the years that people expect it off him so every now and then he blinks and anyone who witnesses this rare occasion is in for a treat indeed.

"Thanks yall," Zach said dusting himself off.

" I could have moved them myself but I don't let anyone who makes under 100k$ a year touch me and these guys don't even get paid because they're slaves." Zach elaborates.

Meanwhile, Sirius was blushing fiercely. The haggered, back hair covered but balding up top, knuckle hair having, scraggly beard and neckhair stained with tobacco and coffee looking fellow just couldn't take his eyes off the fair vision before him... Beauty and the Beast