A Return to Hogwarts Daily: Special Interview Alert!
This week, with all the commotion about the missing pilot and waning food supply chain breakages we have decided to fight fire with... music! and interview an upcoming singing sensation... Spiders Shania Granger, lead singer of the hot new buzzband; Spider and the Chumbawumbas! Their new album is expected from Air Traffic ContRock'N'Roll Records this summer!
Luna: Hey everyone, it's me, Luana Lovegood here, I already said these parts but I'm writting them down too for the readers, that's you! So anyways Spiders, I was just telling my readers about your hip new band, care to fill them in some more?
Spiders chuckles aimlessly: sure Luna, I'm the singer of a fun new musical group me and a few other passengers started because the plane ride was taking so long and I just had os many ideas... Well, one thing led to another and started a band! We are called the Chumbwumabas and we play a lot ofthe shows on the coach sectoin of the plane because we have that very punk rock/ DIY kind of ethos and we try to keep it all very grass roots
Luna, ingratiatingly: That's quite an accomplishment concidering how high u were at the time!
Spidrs gets upset at this and here makes an "off the record" kind of motion: dude, i thought we weren't gonna talk about my struggles with drug addiction...
Luna; no i meant because the band was formed on a plane, so you were high in the air not just high on illegal drugs.
SpidrsL i see my bad, just strike that last part from the reccord, anyways, these time slips sure have me tripped out yknow, it's hard to keep track of things when causuality is being savaged so wantonly. But anyway that and it kinda threw me off you asking bout the 'wumbas since you're in the band too... y'know?
Luna: Yes but right now I'm Luna Lovegood the report not Luna Lovegood Drummer from the Chumbawumba, okay? So just try to act a little more professionally because people are going to read this... anyway, now that you've got a record deal in the works do you find that your punk agnst is still fiery as ever or have the bourgeoisie mists of capitalist complicity dampened the flames of your passion?
Spiders; totally, its like, everything is different now that we're signed... I mean we the Chumbawawas not like me and you and the rest of the band but like we as in me and the band (she adds climisly)
Luna: Totally. So anyways, How excited are you 4 the upcoming Year of the Snake? The upcoming school semester at Hogwarts wherein the Slytherin House, winners of the last House Cup competition will reign supreme?
Spiders Laughs sycophantically; of yeah, the yera of the Snakes, hey maybe next year it's finally be the year to the Spiders!
Luna; We were talking about how your record deal has impacted the creative process, I want to return to that, what would you say your biggest struggle, musically that is, is today?
Spiders; well, (here she shakes one of her dreadlocks out her face gailly and laughs) well when we started I used to struggle to find enough money to score some drugs but now that we are on a record deal! Well everything is just about differnt now haha!
Luna: I Must be ingratiating to finally be an insider in that industry...
Spiders: Oh it certainly is Luna! It certianly is, Just the other day Neville, that's the drummer, Neville says "hey, Spiders, check this out!" and I just had to scurry over and he show'd me this Artical onine about how Animal Collective have a new album coming out that was inspired by me and my struggles with Time Skips, so yeah, it can be very gratifying but it can also be frustrating when these sort of amatuers show up and they intend to... y'know... just sorta co-opt your struggle, but in a way thats like they're trying to pay homage to you, jus diong it in such an inexpert, and frankly, imbarassingly by associating manor...
LUNA: HOW do you describe the sound of the CHumbawumba sound? to a prospective audience member
SPIDERS: It's sort of a lot like Hoobastank with a very punk rock attitutude and hip-hop/trap/ "urban" sensibilities too!
LUNA: Try to b professional.
Spiders: Of course, Hoobastank are just such an inspiration. When my mother commited suicide they really kept me going.
Luna: And lastluy, what Im sure all of My reader are wondering, why didnt u tell me u are a futanari dickgirl? I thought we were besties but u kepts that from me? A-and you told Padma Patil when you had sex with her because she is futanari too!?
Spiders tries to cringe away from the recorder like the snake she is but finally...: I thought u would judge me and not want to be besties anmore!" Spiders wailed
but Luna didn't want to hear any of that.
Luna is just about devastated, and even the silly, comfy, christmas sweater that Spiders had knitted for her can't keep the chill out of her heart. Spiders, her supoused bestie... a futanari dickgirl?
A glimmering christmas terdrop fell from Luna's fragile eyelash, glimmering in that winter darkness...
Spiders, that loud singin' smooth talkin' seven foot woman is, for once, at a loss for words. Abashed, she merely bows her head in grim consternation.
"How could you, something s-so special as a girl's penis and you didn't want to share that w-with me..." Luna is absolutely beside herself, like a leather jacket made of tears she was sad to the bone...
This wasn't going the way she had planned it at all, how could things turn so sour? Spiders mused in a dour funk.
"I just didn't want to dissapoint you," She said,"my futanari - penis is so small that it would be kind of a let down if I just show'd it to you right after prefacing what I was about to do, y'know?"
"So you think i would have been dissapionted by your chode?" Luna is just as agrieved as ever though her sadness has turned to anger, "so what, big deal, you're a Chode Girl, not even a aDick Girl, is that it?"
Spiders begins to answer but Luna can take no more of her lies, her gentle deceptions and damning imprecations... she flings the recorder straight at Spiders's forehead and ambles away in a frenzy of quick sorrow, tears ablaze in her misty eyes...