Season 4- Episode 3- Swirling Thoughts
—-
Donnie sat in the living room with his laptop as he typed, trying to relax from the fact that his brothers literally left for their enemy's HQ. He couldn't help but feel stressed out. He could barely concentrate. However, he forced himself to stay in the living room in case Splinter would leave the dojo. Not that he notices whenever he moves around, but being there has assured him.
He kept imagining what his brothers must be going through at this very moment. While he did basically nothing, they were out there risking their lives for Karai. Which was his fault, as well.
Donnie shook his head as he tried to chase away the feelings of guilt. He wished almost everyday since he had found out the truth that he wouldn't have seen those damned results. That he wouldn't be like this in the first place. He guessed- No, He knew, that everything would have been easier if he wouldn't have been born. He made life complicated for everyone around him. A walking curse. A waste of space-
Donnie shook his head again, this time with a groan. He hated feeling like this, but he couldn't avoid it since he discovered the truth.
He can't even imagine his life the way it used to be anymore. He can't believe his own memories anymore. Almost all of his memories are related to his family. But how can that be if instead of feeling a part of this family- He only feels like an intruder now?
Donnie didn't notice that he had stopped working.
He closed his laptop with a sigh as he closed his eyes for a moment. He tried taking deep breaths to calm himself down.
Didn't work.
He kept thinking.
He couldn't stop thinking.
That is Donnie's disadvantage. He always thinks. Many think that it's an advantage, and Donnie does, too, but he still hates it.
His thoughts had swayed to Karai.
He wondered how she was doing. What ended up happening to her. What was the result of his own existence.
How can his family expect him to sit by? Stay trapped in the lair, while they fix the consequences of him being… Different?
'If anything happens to anyone because of me, then I swear on my honor, that when it happens, the one who will put himself in danger and fix things would be me.' Donnie knew that it was irresponsible of him to promise himself that, but his emotions were too strong. He couldn't help but feel like he isn't worth much anymore. He only causes hardships for others, which he must pay and make up for.
He was staring at nothing for 10 minutes straight.
While his brothers were out there fighting.
He checked his phone just to be sure that they didn't need help.
And of course that they didn't.
Not from him, anyways.
Donnie never told anyone, but he could slowly feel himself getting worse. As if his negative emotions were slowly taking over him.
He felt worse by each day that was passing by.
He didn't like it, but he couldn't stop it either. Especially since he didn't talk to his family or friends about it, but it wasn't anything new. Donnie always tended to keep his feelings to himself. He just didn't expect it to hurt him so much.
Donnie clutched his hands into shaking fists. He bit his quivering lip as his face hardened with a scowl.
'If another bad thing happens ever again because of me, I'm stepping in. I won't listen to their orders anymore. I'll take responsibility as I should, even if it might put me in danger. I'm done.'
—-
Good luck, Donnie ;)