Pentagram City, 1922

"...the portal to Heaven should be opening right about... NOW!"

It had been several months since Teddy first met Charlie and her crew of lovely misfists, and they had made tremendous progress together. Progress which would be put to the test today. In Heaven.

Charlie had prepared several bags for her and Vaggie (even though they were going to stay for a single day), while Theodore had nothing with him but his Scythe.

'You would do that?' Lucifer had asked when Theodore had volunteered to go.

'Of course. You don't serve as President of the United States without learning a thing or two about diplomacy, after all.'

'If everything goes well...' Teddy thought to himself, '...it would be like earning the Nobel Peace Prize again. But I don't believe it will nearly as easy this time...'

The golden portal opened before a perplexed Cherri Bomb, who had just arrived at the Hotel to take her friend Angel Dust and the others on a night trip around town. In the excitement of the moment, Charlie grabbed her girlfriend and tossed her through the portal like she was one the bags, and she landed on a crystal bridge over a sea of light purple clouds.
Theodore followed them, no less worried than he had been when he crossed a portal to Hell for the first time.

...

Charlie looked entranced at the sight of the glowing City protected by golden gates; the Celestial City.

"Vaggie, look at this place! It's soooo clean! Isn't that amazing?"

"Yep. Super cool. Heaven. Wow." Vaggie flatly replied.

They were not here as tourists, there would be ample time to admire the architectural marvels of Heaven- when the people in Heaven were no longer of the opinion that divinely commanded genocide is totally morally cool!

Still, Theodore could not help but think that something else was bothering Vaggie. Like she was constantly looking over her shoulders...

"Hiya! Welcome to Heaven." said a nicely dressed human-looking blond angel who had just appeared on a pulpit next to the Gate. Before him there stood a massive white and golden book. "Can I get your name, please?"

"Oh, uhh, uh, Charlie Morningstar!"

"Charlie Morningstar. Hmm... I'm not seeing you on my list here. That's so odd..."

"I... sort of have a meeting today..." Charlie said smiling awkwardly, "the Grim Reaper is with me..."

"Let's see, Grim Reape-OH SHIT! I-I-I'm so sorry, m-mister Roosevelt..." he said cowering in fear.

"Like my friend said, we have an appointment, good sir." Theodore started, "So, if you don't mind..."

"Saint Peter..." a resounding female voice called from above the Gate, "...we can take it from here."

...

Three winged shining figures were descending to meet them. The one who had just spoken looked immense with her vast hair and six wings. She was bird-like, and her figure was enveloped in a grey, soft brilliance. She had a five-pointed crystalline halo-crown on her head, and what looked like and eye-shaped diadem on her forehead. Her elegant rosy gown was eerily decorated with many large eyes.

The figures next to her were much shorter. One had six wings, three azure and bright purple eyes, a smaller halo-crown and an eye-jewel on her chest.
The other looked nearly human, close to a teenage girl, with strawberry-blonde hair and blue eyes, gorgeously dressed and with only one pair of wings, like Saint Peter.

"Greetings, daughter of the Morningstar. I'm Sera, the High Seraph of Heaven."

While one of the smaller angels was squealing in excitement and the other barely contained her laughter at that sight, Sera continued. "We are all delighted to see that the Grim Reaper has joined you."

"And I am delighted to be here, High Seraph." Theodore said bowing slightly.

"Hi, I'm Emily, the other Seraph. Though you can call me Em! And this..." Emily said, turning to the human-like angel, "...is my junior assistant- who has insisted to welcome you- Princess Anastasia!"

"Dobro pozhalovat' v Ray!" she beamed at her fellow Princess, "Welcome to Heaven!"

...

Soon the four girls were practically running through the golden boulevards of the Celestial City, since Emily and Nastasya were so excited to show everything, and Charlie was equally excited to see everything! Charlie was holding Vaggie's hand, so the latter didn't have much of a choice but keep their pace.
Meanwhile, Theodore walked behind them, in awe at the ancient splendor all around him.

The girls didn't notice the three Exorcists who were walking in the opposite direction right next to them. Adam, who was leading the group, didn't notice them at first either. Whatever he was drinking with a straw, he nearly choked seeing them.

"Holy fucking shit balls. Am I seeing who I think I'm seeing?"

"What is she doing here?" said Lute, Adam's right-hand woman, seething with hatred, "How did she even get up here?"

"Who cares? I'm handling this shit right now."

"Wait!" she stopped him, "You want to start a fight on the promenade in front of everyone?"

"Better than waiting for the fucking Exterminat-"

Lute grabbed her boss by the collar and brutally dragged him but a few inches from her face. She whispered to fucking shut up.

"Sir, what was the Council's one rule?" she asked.

"Ughhhhhh, 'no one but the Exorcists can know about Extermination Day', orders from the Authority, yada yada."

He went back to his drink, slurping loudly. "Don't fucking shush me, bitch." he said, still pissed.

Adam turned, only to see that Theodore, who had witnessed the whole exchange, was coming toward them. He nearly choked again.

"Cough- Fuck, isn't it the Grim Reaper? How are you doing, pal? TRICK QUESTION! Of course you are doing great, because you are IN HEAVEN! HA! HA! Heaven is fucking great, am I right? It's TO DIE FOR! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Teddy would have wished for death. But that ship had already sailed.

Adam and Lute walked away, the former laughing maniacally, while the third Exorcist stayed behind. He had a vast black scar on his grey-white face. A Scar that Theodore recognized...

"Mister Roosevelt..." the Exorcist said.

With a voice as grave and cold as the Russian winter...

...

"Scar Nicholas." Teddy started, "Now that you are no longer Tzar that nickname fits you better than ever. I'm glad to see that you are in... one piece."

"Charming..." Nicholas said, with contempt in his voice, "I've heard you have been associating with the Princess of Hell lately... The same Princess who is now associating with my precious Nastya..."

"I have nothing against your daughter..." Teddy replied angrily, "...because it seems to me that the apple has fallen very far from the tree..."

"We'll see about that, mister Roosevelt..."

...

"We are gathered here today to determine whether or not a soul in Hell can be redeemed into the heavenly realm by means of this Happy Hotel. I declare this session open. In the name of the Authority."

"In the name of the Authority!" all the angelic beings in the vast crystalline hall replied to the High Seraph.
Angels of three different ranks occupied their respective stands, under the highest stand reserved for Sera, Emily and her assistant. There was one more stand for the three Exorcists, right in front of Charlie, Vaggie and Theodore.

Sera turned to Charlie. "Princess Morningstar?"

"Thank you, High Seraph." She cleared her throat, "Webster's Dictionary defines redemption as-"

"Objection, lame and unoriginal." Adam said, his voice as obnoxious as ever.

"Sustained. No further dictionary references please."

"Right, okay. Uh, uh... uhhhh." Every last one little card she had was a dictionary definition.

"Maybe we should try a different approach." Theodore whispered to Charlie. She nodded, feeling that she was out of options.

"High Seraph, honorable delegates," the Grim Reaper started, "I testify before this assembly that the Happy Hotel has a patron and that this person has made progress that I would not have thought possible."

The angels in the stands started to whisper among themselves, clearly impressed.

"Who?" Adam demanded to know.

"Angel Dust." Charlie said, standing up for her friend.

"Oh yeah. The porn demon. He's totally worth being redemmed."

More whispers among the assembled angels.

"Well, if you know so much..." Charlie started, "...what do you think it takes to get into Heaven?"

"Well, uh... Pfff, that's easy." He cleared his throat. "To get into Heaven you will love the Authority with all your heart and all your soul and with all your might. Deuteronomy 6:5. It's in the Torah, bitch, everybody knows that!"

Scar Nicholas felt uneasy: this was getting way too Jewish for his liking.

Theodore looked skeptical. "I haven't seen any Jews on the way here..."

Everyone in the hall turned to Adam, who was visibly sweating. "That's because... Well... Uh... SOMETHING ABOUT JESUS!"

"Wait," Charlie said, "can't we ask Jesus?"

Now it was Sera's turn to feel nervous, but no one could tell from her voice. "Jesus is... unavailable."

"YEAH! You are stuck with me, bitch!"

"That means..." Charlie said as the realization dawned on her, "...none of you know what actually gets someone into Heaven?"

"This questioning stops now. We know when a soul arrives. It is the will of the Authority."

"The will of the Authority!?" Charlie had enough. She would not listen to more evasive answers.

She would rather sing:

"It's not fair, Sera!"

"Careful Charlie, keep a could head." Vaggie knew deep down that it was too late.

"No! Don't you care, Sera?
That just because someone is dead
It doesn't mean they can't resolve to change their ways
Turn the page
Escape infernal blaze"

"I'm sure you wish it could be so," Sera answered, sorrow in her voice,
"But there's a lot that you don't know!"

"What are even talking about?" Lute spatted,
"Some cracked up whore who fucked up already?
He blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth
This discussion is senseless and petty
There's no question to be posed
He's unholy, case closed
Did you forget that Hell is foverer?"

"A man only lives once" Adam said, glaring at Theodore,

"We'll see you in one month" Lute sang to Charlie,

"Gotta say, I can't wait to..."

"Adam..." Sera said, too late to stop him.

"...come down and EXTERMINATE YOU!"

"What!?" Emily exclaimed.

"Oh shit!"

'Dammit' Theodore had hoped to solve this without wreaking havoc in Heaven!

"What are you saying?
Let me get this straight
You go down there and kill those poor souls!"

Anastasia looked like something deep in her Heart had just broken. She could see it now.

Her father knew. Her father had known all along!

"Sera, tell me that you didn't know!"

"I carried out orders
It's my load to shoulder"

"Orders from who?" Theodore knew perfectly well, but someone had to admit it.

"FROM THE AUTHORITY, BITCH!"

The great hall seemed to erupt at Adam's words: outrage, horror, disbelief and everything in between.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" The hall fell deathly silent. "WE KILL FUCKERS FOR THE GLORY OF HEAVEN! IS THAT NOT WHAT THE HEAVENLY ARMIES ARE FOR? TO PROTECT YOU FROM THEM?"

"For Heaven!?..." Charlie exclaimed, "What IS Heaven!? Heaven was an Empire built on genocide and lies, but it wasn't always this way and it doesn't have to be this way tomorrow! I implore you..."

She rose like the Morning Star, Satanic defiance in her eyes, "...If you won't do something for Hell, then do it FOR HEAVEN!"

Charlie and Emily started singing as one:

"IF HELL IS FOREVER, THEN HEAVEN MUST BE A LIE
IF ANGELS CAN DO WHATEVER AND REMAIN IN THE SKY!"

"Charlie, we must get the fuck out of here!" Vaggie knew it was but a matter of seconds before soldiers stormed the building.

"No! Don't you see?
We've come so close
Look at them fighting
They're at each other's throats"

"Don't you act all high and mighty", Adam warned her,
"Did you ever think your little girlfriend might be a liar?"

"Don't, Adam, please!" Vaggie pleaded, in vain.

"What's the fuss?
Why hide the fact that you're an angel
JUST LIKE US?"

With a snap of his finger, Adam opened a golden portal to suck the three of them back into Hell. As the gloomy darkness of Pride started to envelop them, Adam screamed so they could hear him.

"ENJOY YOUR LAST DAYS IN HELL, BECAUSE THE AUTHORITY'S JUDGEMENT WILL COME TO YOUR HOTEL FIRST!"

And then there was only laughter. The laughter of a thirsty god.