Hi, everyone! I'm here with the first movie. Sorry for the delay! Hope you all enjoy. Just want to mention again, I own nothing.
The Z-Fighters were ready to watch the next episode when alert appears on the screen.
WARNING! ERROR DETECTED!
"What is this?" Beerus mused.
TEMPORAL DISTORTIONS HAVE CAUSED ALTERATION TO RECORDS!
"Alteration?" Bulma thinks. "And temporal… oh no."
THE FOLLOWING EVENTS WILL BE THE RESULT OF THE DISTURBANCE. QUERY: EVENTS VERIFIED QUESTIONABLE!
"What does that mean?" Goten asked.
"I think it means that all the time travel that had went on has made a unique story," Bulma explained.
"So this is all you mortals' fault then," Beerus scoffed.
Cue the disclaimer
Kaiserneko: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
The scenes cut to Piccolo in a rocky area, where he's simply blowing up multiple rock formations.
Piccolo (thinking): RAAAAAGH! Perfect. Now I have a place to put my castle once I rule the world.
"Seems like this is supposed to be when Piccolo was still evil," Goku said.
Piccolo (thinking): And it'll have all the things a castle requires. Like walls...and subjects.
Piccolo (out loud): Maybe even a trebu- Huh?
The Namekian notices a shadowy figure heading towards him.
Piccolo (thinking): Wait, are they running on air?
"That does seem like a strange motion for flight," Tien said.
He looks behind and sees another shadowy figure behind him.
Piccolo (thinking): That's ridiculous, they're flying! Why would they ever even need to—
A third shadowy figure uppercuts him from below.
"Oh, come on, I'd never get ambushed that easily!" Piccolo shouted.
Piccolo: OH, GOD!
Ginger: F**k him up!
All three shadowy figures begin to attack Piccolo.
"Hmm… The Namekian seems to be getting his ass kicked. But these hardly seem like strong opponents," Vegeta mused.
"The hell is this?" Piccolo scowled.
Nikki: From the front!
Sansho: To the back!
Piccolo: Oh, you better just KILL me!
The Namekian sees four shadowy figure preparing to attack.
Piccolo: ...Shit.
The three shadowy figures simultaneously fires a blast at Piccolo, who screams as all three blasts connect.
"…Yeah, Piccolo could survive that easily," Gohan huffed. He had an annoyed look at seeing his teacher, or whatever variant of him, get the shit beaten out of him so easily.
Cut to Kami inside his Lookout.
"Wait, Kami, but then does that mean Piccolo-" Krillin started.
"He's not dead," Gohan cut him off.
"But-"
"Not dead."
"…whatever you say."
Kami: OH!
Mr. Popo (from outside): You okay in there, Kami?
Kami: Mr. Popo, I believe...that Piccolo may have been slain!
"…then how would be still be alive?" Vegeta asked.
"I told you all," Gohan nodded. "Piccolo won't go down that easily."
Mr. Popo (from outside): I think you'd know if he were! ...You still there?
Kami: Yes.
Mr. Popo (from outside): Then he ain't dead, is he, Drama Queen?
Piccolo smirked at his other self getting called out. "Guess he could be a bit dramatic."
"Eh, Kami had his moments, but I think calling him a drama queen is a bit much," Goku defended his old friend.
Kami: But you don't understand!
Mr. Popo (from outside): Drama Queen!
Kami: I think Garlic Junior may have—
"Garlic Junior?" Goku asked.
"Hmm… I believe there was once a contender for the role of Guardian named Garlic," Mr. Popo explained, "though I wasn't aware he had a son."
"It's just a guardian position," Beerus scoffed. "He must not have been too impressive."
Mr. Popo (from outside): Drama Queeeeeeeeeen...
He's heard walking away, bored of Kami's "drama."
Kami: Mmm... Garlic Jr.'s back.
"DragonBall Z Abridged: Lord Slug" logo first appears on the screen and then disappears to show the text "Dead Zone".
"Was that more of the errors?" Bulma asked. "I swear it just said Lord Slug for a second."
"I guess this file really is corrupted," Dende guessed.
"Hopefully there aren't too many errors," Beerus took a sip of soda. "I'd hate for this entertainment to get marred with such trivial things."
The scene now cuts to Gohan in the forest.
Gohan (reading "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"): "Miss Watson, she kept pecking at me, and it got tiresome and lonesome. By and by, they fetched the nig-"
Gohan coughed, feeling an uncomfortable aura had spread around.
"Was that Huckleberry Finn?" Bulma asked. "And the line was…. Oh…. A childhood classic I will not have the tutors teach Trunks. At least not without blotting out some of the words."
"Oh, you can borrow some of mine!" Chi-Chi assured her. "I did all that years ago for Gohan's education. Just promise to return them so I can have Goten go through them."
Gohan: Huh, that's not a word I've ever heard before. Oh, well. "They fetched the nig-"
Chi-Chi (from inside the house): Gohan, lunch is ready! Come help me set the table!
"Oh, thank god, Mom interrupted me," Gohan sighed.
Gohan: Oh, yay! And Dad's gone fishing! Which means I'll get seconds!
Gohan closes his book and then cuts to Goku underwater who seems to hear this and immediately jumps out of the water, naked and holding the tail fin of a fish.
"Do you have some kind of food sense or something, Kakarot?"
"Hmm… I just know when my food's being taken is all! Like a sixth sense, you know?"
The scene cuts back to Gohan walking toward his house.
"Wait, when did we live so far in the woods," Chi-Chi blinked. "I know we have a rural environment, but it was never like that."
"Just chalk it up to more errors, Mom."
Gohan: Huh?
Ox-King: Hey! Gohan!
Gohan: Grandpa Ox!
Chi-Chi (coming from the front door): Oh, Daddy! What are you doing here?
Ox-King: I wanted to drop by and see my grandson! Also, money for you guys to live!
"Huh, I forgot you guys used to have money," Krillin had a nostalgic look on his face. "What happened to it again? I've seen the Ox-King take a few jobs, but part me wondered if he was just bored and doing work as a sort of hobby."
Chi-Chi sighed. "It's a sad story. Daddy lost all his treasures because they were all burnt to a crisp on Fire Mountain."
Roshi shook his head. "Honestly, I told the fool not to keep all his treasures there. It was bound to happen."
Chi-Chi: Thank you, Daddy!
Ox-King: I also brought you a gift, Gohan!
Gohan (gasps): A puppy!
Ox-King: BOOKS!
"…I mean… I like books but a puppy would have been fun too," Gohan sweatdrops.
"Hmm… think we should get Pan a little puppy playmate?" Videl asked.
"Oh, god, that'd be adorable!" Chi-Chi beamed in agreement.
"Puppy? I want a puppy!" Goten said.
"Me too!" Trunks nodded.
"Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!" Marron laughed, clapping.
"Great, they'll all be like this for a week," Android 18 sighed.
"Puar?" Krillin gave him a pleading look.
Puar sighed. "Always a puppy, never the kitty…"
She transforms, this time into an adorable little puppy, the kids rushing to her as she screamed, met with cuddles and a large amount of petting.
Gohan (eyes narrowed, in an uninterested tone): Yay...
Chi-Chi: Oh, I'm sure he'll love them. Won't you, Goha—
A book falls on Gohan's head.
Chi-Chi: Daddy?
Gohan: Grandpa? Grandpa?
The Ox-King collapses and almost falls on Gohan.
Gohan: Mom.. Mom! MOM! Mommy! Grandpa's having a stroke!
"That's not a stroke," Bulma narrowed her eyes.
"He was attacked," Vegeta confirmed.
"I'm a bit surprised by surprise like that," Roshi said. "He's still a disciple of the Turtle School."
"He's a bit out of practice," Chi-Chi explained. "He hasn't fought anyone in such a long time."
Goku looked horrified. "That sounds awful!"
Chi-Chi: Huh?
She notices a cloaked hooded figure.
Ginger: Hi.
Chi-Chi: Gohan, go inside immediately!
Nikki (is waiting inside the house): Oh, yeah! Come on in!
The demon eats a bunch of Chi-Chi's pears.
Chi-Chi (thinking): Son of a bitch just ate my pears.
Chi-Chi: You know we don't have a car, right?! That's like a ten-mile Nimbus ride to the nearest city! For pears! You have ten seconds to tell me what you want before I strangle you with that cowl!
"But Nimbus goes faster than a car!" Roshi protested.
"There's still no car trunk so I'm riding on a goddamn cloud at high speeds while trying to make sure none of the groceries fall off. And I can't ask Goku, he'll try to eat half of the groceries."
Ginger: I want the Dragon Ball! Give me the kid!
"Remind me again, why either of you put the Dragon Ball on Gohan's hat?" Tien asked.
Chi-Chi looked a bit embarrassed. "We never really thought anyone would be dumb enough to try. In retrospect, not the best mothering move on my part."
Chi-Chi: What? You can't have my son. You just want the Dragon Ball, right?
Ginger: Don't question my f**king methods! F**k it! I'm taking your dad!
He tries to lift up the Ox-King a bit then drops him.
Ginger: He's a f**king fatass!
"Hey, that's just rude!" Chi-Chi fumed.
"Eh, the Ox-King has put on a few pounds," Roshi said. "Maybe I should pay him a visit, give him an exercise routine or something. It's important for the elderly to get exercise too."
"Aw, that's actually sweet of you, Roshi."
"Hey, he's still my student."
"I always forget, underneath that complete pervert exterior, Roshi's a good man," Android 18 said.
"Are you trying to compliment me or insult me?! Pick a lane!"
"Why can't it be both?"
Ginger: Forget it! I'm gonna take your kid!
Sansho (off-screen): Yo, Ginger...
Ginger: Oh, right! Dragon Ball, too! Please! ...If you wouldn't mind.
Chi-Chi: I do.
Ginger: Too f**king bad!
Chi-Chi: Enough of this!
The housewife charges at Ginger only to get knocked down easily.
"…before any of you say anything, I'm out of practice too."
"Aw, it's alright, Chi-Chi. Oh! Maybe we can do some sort of practice training exercise too! It could be one of those couple date-things you always want me to take you on!"
"…I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I love the fact that you're taking the initiative with dating, on the other, it's about training."
"Just take it," Bulma whispered to her friend. "You know it's the best you'll get out of him."
Gohan: Mommy!
Ginger: Ha-ha! F**king what?
We cut to Goku running while carrying the fish and arriving on the scene to find Chi-Chi on the ground.
"Why didn't you fly? It would keep your fish cleaner, you'd get there faster, and you should have sensed those three, right?" Vegeta asked.
"How am I supposed to know?"
Goku: Chi-Chi! I heard lunch! What happened?!
Chi-Chi: Goku, they took-
Goku: Our lunch?
"That's your priority?"
"Hey, it's not really me!"
"I don't know," Beerus said. "I'd be more concerned with lunch as well."
Chi-Chi: No. They took...our so-
Goku: Oh, hey. Your dad's here. Hi, Ox-King!
"Idiot," Frieza scoffed.
Chi-Chi: Focus! They took...Gohan!
Goku: Aw, man! I can't have him miss lunch! It's the fourth most important meal of the day! Right after brunch...but right before linner. ...Love me some linner, though. So I'ma go get Gohan back. We'll be back in time for linner.
"Brunch? Linner?" Whis looked curious.
"Some people in our world like to have meals outside of usual times, brunch being between breakfast and lunch, and I guess linner between lunch and dinner," Mr. Satan explained. "Usually done by some fancy people."
"Fascinating concept," Beerus mused. "We could increase out meals per day by a large amount."
Whis made a note. "I'll add this to our schedule, my lord."
Goku: Chicken and waffles? Chicken and waffles.
"Mmm… that sounds good," Goku's stomach grumbled.
"I'm sorry, I was led to believe waffles were a sort of breakfast pastry?" Whis asked Bulma.
"They are, but some people like to have them with chicken. Don't ask me why, I never really cared for it."
The Ox-King coughs.
Goku: Oh, and some for your dad.
"Eh, he's thinking about Daddy at least."
"Dad's expression is pretty different compared to his tone, don't you think?"
"Goten's right, it looks pretty odd."
The scene cuts to inside Garlic Jr's castle, the demon overseeing his minions.
Garlic Jr.: So let me get this straight. I sent you shitfits off to find me a Dragon Ball, and you bring back a toddler?
Sansho: Well, we did bring back the Dragon Ball!
Garlic Jr.: And a toddler! Did you try, I don't know, taking off the hat?
"The obvious solution."
Nikki: Well, we thought about it on the way back, but it really brings the whole Chinese Prince look together.
"He does look adorable, don't you think?" Chi-Chi cooed.
"I'm glad you let me dress how I wanted," Goten sighed. "I don't think I could pull off the hat."
Ginger: And he's your size. You can ROCK that shit!
Garlic Jr.: ...Fair enough.
"A dragon ball and a free outfit."
Gohan: My daddy's not gonna let you get away with this!
Ginger: Big f**kin' whoop! We beat Piccolo, and that guy's strong as shit!
"Eh, not really," Frieza shrugged.
"Hey! I'm plenty strong?" Piccolo shouted.
"Compared to humans, sure. But overall… well, we've seen how you fared."
The tyrant smiled at the Namekian's look of annoyance.
Gohan: Yeah? So did my dad!
Ginger: By himself?!
Gohan: Yeah!
Garlic Jr. freezes as he makes the realization. The only person on the planet capable of doing a feat like that is…
Garlic Jr.: Oh, God, your father's Goku. OH, MY GOD, YOU MORONS STOLE GOKU'S KID?! HOW?! HOW DID YOU STEAL GOKU'S KID?!
Nikki: Well, first we beat up his wife...
"And his father-in-law," Roshi added.
"Honestly, a really stupid move on their part," Yamcha said.
"Note to self, make sure new minions aren't this stupid," Frieza was writing himself a little note for the future.
Garlic Jr.: Oh, my God... Okay, look. New plan: get the last two Dragon Balls. NOW!
Nikki: Oh, yeah! We'll just go off, scour the globe, and be back before linner!
The demon gives a sarcastic laugh.
Nikki: You know, it's not like they make a radar for this shit...
"Huh," Bulma said. "You'd think if they know who Goku is, they'd know about me and the Dragon Radar?"
"If they only knew now, gathering the Dragon Balls just takes a short 3 hour wait for Goku's instant-transmission pick ups," Yamcha joked.
"When I think how much time we spent gathering them when we were younger…" The CEO sighs, lost in nostalgic memories.
The scene cut to inside Kame House with Goku and the gang looking at the Dragon Radar.
Goku: Oh, yeah. Someone is collecting the Dragon Balls.
Bulma: Why'd they take Gohan?
"Apparently for his clothes," Trunks giggled.
Goku: I don't know. Maybe they just want a good ol'-fashioned Goku fanny-whoopin'!
Bulma: "Fanny"?
Goku: Chi-Chi doesn't like us to swear.
Bulma: "Butt" isn't a swear!
"Yeah, we say butt all the time!" Goten cheered, jumping up with Trunks.
"Sit down."
"I think he meant ass," Vegeta said.
Goku: ...The HFIL you talkin' about?
"The hell is HFIL?" Tien asked. "That's not a replacement for hell."
"Beats me," Roshi shrugged. "Seems to be a substitute for Hell."
"Hmm… Not sure if I heard of a place in otherworld like that," Whis said.
The scene changes to Nikki chasing Gohan around the castle.
Nikki: COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE SHITPLIN!
Gohan: No! You smell like hairspray and shea butter!
Nikki: Swear to God, I don't know how I got put in charge of babysitting. I need something to take the edge off.
He grabs and bites an apple, then gets smacked from behind by Gohan.
"Nice hit." Piccolo smirks.
"Thanks!"
Gohan: You're it!
The half-Saiyin takes off running.
Nikki: I will slap FIRE FROM YOU! I swear to God...
Nikki walks upstairs and finds Gohan sitting on the ground.
Nikki: Oh, good. There you are. Now, be a good little crotch spawn and let's go back to your room!
"D-did he just call me a 'crotch spawn?'"
Gohan: I'm hungry!
Nikki: Ah, well, maybe I can make you a peanut butter, jelly, and ether sandwich, and—
Gohan then pulls out an apple from his robe
Nikki (a bit panicked): Where did you get that apple?
Gohan: In the tree.
Nikki: Don't eat that apple!
"Why not?" Goku asked.
"Wait, the idiot said that he needed to take the edge off while looking at the apple, you don't think-"
"It's drugs!?" Chi-Chi shrieked.
Gohan: I'ma eat the apple.
Nikki: Don't eat that apple!
Gohan: I'ma eat the apple!
Nikki: DO...NOT...EAT...THAT A—
Too late, as Gohan eats the whole apple.
Nikki: Oh, balls... Well, I hope you packed your bags, kid. Because you're about to go on a TRIP...
Gohan goes on a trip that would make Alice's trip in Wonderland jealous before cutting to him spacing out.
"W-what the fuck are we watching?" Beerus shouted, more confused than angry.
"I don't know, but I don't want Marron watching it," Krilling said, covering his daughters eyes. Videl did the same for Pan, and Bulma and Chi-Chi their sons
We see Ginger and Sansho returning to the castle.
Ginger: Got the last motherf**kin' balls!
"They sure got them fast," Bulma noticed. "You sure they don't have a radar?"
All seven Dragon Balls were put together and began to glow.
Garlic Jr.: Got to say, I'm sort of impressed. How did you find them so fast?
Ginger: Prize in a high stakes poker game!
Vegeta blinked. "The hell were they doing there?"
"Maybe your wife decided to put them up for fun like the bingo contest," Tien offered.
Garlic Jr.: Wow. Never thought you had a poker face.
Ginger: Never said I played!
Garlic Jr.: Once again, fair enough.
They summon Shenron, the eternal dragon.
Shenron: I am the eternal dragon. Make your wish, and I shall-
Garlic Jr.: MAKE ME IMMORTAL!
"Damn, didn't even give him time to do his speech," Yamcha said.
"Eh, just be direct and get what you want," Vegeta mused.
"Works for me!" Goku nodded.
Shenron: OH! R-really? Wow! I can't remember the last time someone actually nutted up and asked for that! Congrats! Can't wait to hear how you f**k this up.
Garlic Jr.: Wait, the hell's that mean?
Shenron: It means YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED!
The great dragon makes Garlic Junior immortal and disappears.
"Huh, is that what it looks like?" Frieza asked.
Garlic Jr.: Yes! YES! I can feel it! With this eternal body, I shall enslave the world and rule it with great prejudice and terror! Hail Garlic Jr.! HAIL ME!
The tiny monster starts walking inside his castle.
Minions: HAIL GARLIC JR.! HAIL GARLIC JR.!
Goku (falling to them): HEY, GARLIC JR.!
Minions: HEY, GARLIC JR.! Huh?
They all turn around to look at Goku, who lands nearby.
Goku: I am Son Goku! And your name sounds yummy!
"I mean, it sounds pretty yummy, and there are some good garlic dishes."
"I'll bring you two to places that serve it, calm down," Bulma gave Beerus and Whis looks.
Garlic Jr.: I have been told.
Goku: So, uh... Did you guys steal my kid?
Ginger: Yup! F**kin' Amber Alert up in here!
"That's not a good thing!" Android 18 shouted.
"Not sure that's a priority for them," Android 17 mused.
Nikki: Oh, don't worry about him, he's just high in the throne room.
Chi-Chi groaned and Gohan scratched the back of his head, laughing nervously. He looked really high and out of his mind the last time they saw him.
Goku: Joke's on you! I can fly!
"…not what they mean, Goku."
Ginger: ...I think he's f**kin' dumb.
"Pretty much."
Kami: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
The guardian drops in from the sky.
"Flashy entrance, but was the screaming necessary?" Piccolo asked.
Garlic Jr.: And then there's THIS asshole!
Kami: Oh, hello, Goku. What are you doing here?
Goku: They stole my kid.
Kami: Mm.
"They're so casual about it…"
"To be fair, Goku's casual about most things."
Garlic Jr.: I'm quite surprised you're still alive, Kami! I believe the last time we talked was... Oh, when was that? Oh, right. When you BANISHED my father to another DIMENSION!
Kami: Oh, Garlic Jr.. How awful to see you again. You're looking grotesque as always.
"I never expected Kami to talk shit," Piccolo smirked.
Garlic Jr.: Oh, hi there, kettle, name's pot! Have we met?
Kami: Listen, Goku. Just go after your son. I'll handle Garlic Jr..
Goku: Thank God!
Kami: You're welcome.
"I still say this Namekian is too arrogant naming himself that!" Beerus snarled.
"My lord, he's already dead, please calm down."
Goku dashes past Garlic Jr. and heads inside the castle, the trio taking off after him.
Ginger: Catch that bitch!
Nikki: Slow your roll, champ!
Sansho: Hey, yo, wait for me! I'm bigger than y'all!
Garlic Jr. and Kami stare at each other as Goku is heading through the castle.
"C'mon, fight already!"
Goku: Man, left in such a hurry, I accidentally skipped lunch! Maybe this place has a cafeteria.
Cue a horrified gasp from multiple big-eaters.
Goku: No, it's a castle.
He stops in the middle of the hall.
Goku: A meatery?
The hero of Earth begins running up the stairs only for Garlic Junior's minions to block his path.
Ginger: You want some food? We can hook you up! How 'bout some motherf**kin' ginger?!
Nikki: Or maybe some cinnamon?!
Sansho: I got some pepper for you. You like pepper?
Goku: Hey, those aren't foods! Those are things you put ON foods!
"Eh, they can be foods when combined with stuff, main ingredients."
Ginger: Like GINGERBREAD?!
Nikki: Or CINNABUNS?!
Sansho: I-I got nothin', um...
He pauses.
"Stuffed bell peppers?" Goku offered. "Those are pretty good."
"I want all of those within the week," Beerus said to Bulma.
Sansho: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGS!
All three minions bulk up.
Goku: Okay, now you're just making me hungry!
"Same here!" Goku shouted.
Goku: And you wouldn't like me when I'm—
He proceeds to get attacked on all sides by the minions.
Goku: Wait! Ahh!
He's knocked into a pillar and then gets back up on his feet.
Goku (seriously): ...Hungry!
"…that was a pathetic showing, Kakarot," Vegeta scoffed.
"Yeah, definitely not at my best here," Goku chuckled. Nowadays he could easily wipe the floor with those guys in under 10 seconds.
Garlic Junior and Kami are back on the screen.
Garlic Jr.: So, Kami, you mad that I tried to have you killed?
Kami: More confused why you target Piccolo instead of me.
"Yeah, I thought that too," Krillin said. "Piccolo is the stronger one, if he wanted to kill Kami, just fly up there and attack."
Kami: Not that it matters; I'm going to put you down for good, not unlike I did your FATHER, you miserable little-
Garlic Jr.: And I will enjoy watching you fail! Because you see, before you arrived, I used the Dragon Balls to grant myself immortality!
He starts laughing maniacally.
Kami: Wait, so you tried to have me killed, THEN used the Dragon Balls?
"He's lucky Piccolo survived then," Gohan huffed.
The laughter stops.
Garlic Jr.: What? Yeah, why? Oh, shit... Wow, I dodged a bullet on that one! Thank God my minions are so incompetent!
We cut back to inside the hall with Goku knocking all three minions to the ground.
"Took you long enough."
Goku: Now tell me where the meatery is! ...And then the throne room! ...Please tell me the meatery is IN the throne room!
Nikki an Sansho fire a blast at Goku, but their blasts gets redirected by two blasts
Nikki: Huh?
Krillin: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!
"Hey, look, I'm in this movie!"
"Aw, sweet! Then maybe me, Tien, and Chiaotzu will get some screentime!"
This guess was met with pure silence.
"…oh come on! We deserve some love too, damnit!"
Krillin: Hey, Goku! Looks like you could use some help!
"Who told you, exactly?" Bulma asked.
"Hmm… I'm assuming Chi-Chi recovered and sent me a call."
"Why you?" Yamcha grumbled, a little grumpy. "There are others stronger…"
"Oh yeah! You and me, after this, Yamcha!"
"Bring it on!"
Goku: Not really, no. Hey, Krillin! Is that a second power beam?
Piccolo: 'Sup?
Krillin screams and jumps back.
"I guess this is still a time when we were still enemies," Piccolo mused, "only natural to be scared of me."
Goku: Oh, hey, Piccolo!
Ginger: You alive?!
Goku: Well, of course he's alive! Kami's alive! I mean, you guys have used the Dragon Balls, right?
Ginger: ...Oh, wow! Yeah! Thank God we incompetent!
"They really are," Frieza said.
"Lucky though," Whis points out.
Piccolo: Not even gonna lie, this is EXACTLY what I'm looking for in a castle. Walls, ceiling, meatery...
Goku: WHERE?!
Piccolo (eyes the minions): ...Could do without the spice rack, though.
Krillin is freaking out, when he feels liquid on top of his head, and he looks up to find that Gohan has wandered out and is now peeing on his head.
"EW!"
Gohan groaned at seeing his kid self peeing on his friend's head.
Krillin: WHY-
He begins to gurgle as his mouth fills up with urine.
"WHY?!" Krillin shouts. Android 18 facepalms and pats her husband on the back.
"Oh my god, Gohan-" Videl was laughing her ass off at this.
"Oh god," Gohan groaned, "Please kill me now."
"I'll think about it," Beerus nods, feeling an iota of pity for the half-Saiyin.
Cut back to Kami and Garlic Jr. who have begun their battle. Kami tries firing eye beams at Garlic Jr, but he evades them and headbutts Kami to a pillar.
"You know, I honestly forgot Kami could fight at all," Bulma said.
"Oh my god, I was about to say the same thing," Chi-Chi said.
Garlic Jr. (punctuates each word with a blow): WHERE...IS...YOUR...GOD...NOW?!
"He's so glad he's never met a destroyer," Beerus said.
"Even a Kai would wreck him easily enough," Whis said. "Immortality doesn't mean invincibility."
The last punch sends Kami through the pillar, who manages to hold onto an edge to avoid falling.
Garlic Jr.: So, Kami, why don't you pray for your life? And then, like every person who's ever prayed to you, I'll ignore it!
Kami begins to glow as he gathers power.
Garlic Jr.: What the—
Kami uses an Explosive Wave to send Garlic Junior crashing into a wall and landing on his face.
Garlic Jr. (muffled): Of course you know... This means war!
"Hahaha…. Feels like one of those old cartoons!" Trunks laughed.
Back to the castle-fight…
Goku: Gohan!
He runs for the stairs, but his path is once again blocked by the minions.
Goku: Krillin, I take back what I said! Get my son!
"Just kill them, I'm pretty sure even this weak version of you can do so no problem!" Vegeta shouts.
Krillin: Woo-hoo, I'm helping!
He starts running up the stairs, but runs into Sansho.
"Not helping for long."
Sansho: I'ma break your butt!
The largest of the trio charges at Krillin, but Piccolo sends a blast through the floor, which causes him to fall.
"You were saying?"
"Hey, that's my win, not yours."
"We can share!"
Krillin: Oh, thank God he's on our side!
He runs after Gohan.
Piccolo: I was aiming for the short, bald one, but...you'll do.
"That's rude!"
Sansho: You mean!
And proceeds to get blasted him through a wall.
Piccolo: Not so tough without your two back up dancers, are you, ugly?
Sansho: Now, why you gotta be throwin' out mean words like that?!
Piccolo: You know, that's fair. How about I grab a couple of friends and try to murder you instead?
Sansho: Well personally, I think that would be uncalled for!
Piccolo hits him again, sending him stuck onto a wall.
"Wow, you're really pissed off," Gohan notices.
"Perfectly justified," Piccolo states, Gohan nodding.
Piccolo: You're right. Because unlike you..
He finishes off Sansho with a blast.
Piccolo ..I don't need help.
The Namekian finishes his badass line and starts walking outside.
"Huh, I suppose Piccolo is the most sensible out of all of you," Vegeta mused.
"Eh, that's a low-bar."
Deeper inside the castle, Goku is still fighting against Ginger and Nikki, who arm themselves with swords.
"See, this is what I mean!" Vegeta said. "Just break the swords! They've got to be what, made of iron or steel? We destroy those things every day!"
Goku: Oh, come on, you guys! That's not fair! I can't pull swords out of my body!
Nikki: STAND STILL AND YOU WILL!
He and Ginger gang up and attacks Goku.
Goku (while dodging each of their attacks): No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
The two actually manage to cut some of his hair.
Goku: NO! MY 'DO!
The enraged Saiyan hits block both Nikki and Ginger's attacks with his power pole.
"Aw, I miss that power pole," Goku sighed.
"Why don't you use it anymore, Dad?" Goten asked.
"Pretty sure it'd shatter with my current power and enemies. But maybe you can use it. And the Nimbus. I don't use either much anymore!"
"Really?" Goten's eyes sparkled. "Thanks Dad!"
"Not sure how useful Nimbus will be for you, since you can fly," Trunks pointed out.
"Yeah, but I can let Marron ride it!"
"Yay! Cloud! Cloud! That looks like so much fun!"
Goku: STRANGER DANGER!
The power pole extends, sending Nikki crashing to the ground.
Ginger: That shit gets LONGER?!
Nikki (muffled, in pain): OH, YEAH, IT DOES!
Goku: GOKU KICK!
He kicks Ginger in Nikki's direction.
Goku: Kamehame...
Ginger: You ain't got shit!
The shorter demon fires a blast of his own.
Goku: HA!
He launches the Kamehameha wave, which swallows Ginger's blasts and sends him flying in Nikki's direction.
Nikki (thinking): Friggin' hell... Last time I take on a guy with a pole that big...
"That's some innuendo," Roshi snorted.
Ginger: INCOMING!
Nikki: OH, MY GOD!
They both get caught in the blast.
Ginger (muffled from underneath the rubble): What a...a douchebag...
With a final groan, his hand becoming limp.
"You're holding back too much, monkey," Frieza shook his head. "You should have left nothing of them."
The scene changes to Kami and Garlic Jr. now inside the castle, and Kami's not doing any better than he was before.
Garlic Jr.: What's wrong, Kami? Fallen and can't get up?
"Hey, old age isn't too funny!" Roshi shouts.
Garlic Jr: Do I need to push that big, red button for you?
Kami stumbles forward and lands on Garlic Jr.'s shoulder.
Garlic Jr.: ...Okay, you're making this weird, Kami.
Kami: We'll see how that immortality works out for you when I've blown us both into bits!
"Why bother? He knows he's immortal?" Vegeta asked. "Wouldn't draining Garlic Jr. of energy be better?"
The old Namekian locks his arms around Garlic Jr. and begins charging his attack.
Garlic Jr.: Oh, really? You want to stress-test this? Sure, go ahead! And while my men are scraping little green chunks off the wall, I'll be partying in my throne room with a harem of sexy demon skanks! Seriously, what part of IMMORTALITY don't you understand?
Piccolo: Actually, I'm with him. I'm gonna have to ask you not to blow yourself up right now.
Garlic Jr.: Well, well... It seems you've eluded my men!"
"It's cute he actually think his "men" were still alive," Frieza laughed.
Piccolo: Yeah, sure. Let's go with that.
Garlic Jr.: Oh, God, they're all dead, aren't they?
Goku: Yup! Thank God they were so incontinent!
"Incompetent," Chi-Chi corrected.
Garlic Jr.: Looks like if you want someone killed right...you kill them yourself!
Piccolo: Ooh, I might use that!
"Eh, it's not that good of a line," Frieza thinks. "A bit too basic."
Garlic Junior bulks up, being ten times his original size.
Goku: Huh... For a second, there, I swore he was gonna yell out "spaghetti" or something...
The demon attacks him and Piccolo and fires a blast, with both of them getting out of the way. Goku grabs Kami to and drops him at a safe distance.
Goku: Kami! Stay here and don't move!
He takes off.
Kami: I swear if I didn't know you, I'd call you a smartass.
"Well at least he was showing he cared," Krillin said.
"Huh, that reminds me," Gohan said, "where are you?"
"Maybe you're still so high and running away from me?"
Piccolo throws a punch at Garlic Jr., which does absolutely nothing.
Garlic Jr. (speaking in a more deeper voice): Been bulking since I installed the meatery!
Goku ( jumps in front of Piccolo and attacks Garlic Junior): Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
"Wow, you're obsessed, aren't you?" Bulma laughed.
"I want a meatery at home now! Chi-Chi, can we get one?"
"Hmm… It'll cost money to keep it stocked. So you need to do a lot of work to pay for it!"
Goku stepped back in shock. "Can't I just hunt for the food?"
Chi-Chi grinned. "Yes, but proper construction costs will need a bit too."
Garlic Jr.: I'm sure you can find one in hell!
He fires a blast at Goku and Piccolo simultaneously, which causes the castle to start falling apart. Krillin is seen running to avoid the falling rocks while carrying Gohan.
Krillin (repeatedly says, "Crap!" to the Tetris theme): Crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap, crap.
The monk gets hit by a massive beam on the head, causing him to fall unconscious and drop Gohan, who gets buried under debris.
"Debris," Yamcha snorts.
"You be quiet!"
Goku is then seen hiding from Garlic Junior.
Garlic Jr.: TOOT TOOT!
The immortal grabs Goku by the head.
"Forgot he can sense you?" Tien asked.
"I was probably hiding my energy. Just got unlucky."
Goku: Aahh!
Piccolo (thinking): Ugh, my WRIST.. It doesn't hurt a LOT, but it's DEFINITELY uncomfortable..
"Is that really important to hear?" Videl asked.
Piccolo (thinking): Maybe I should get a wrist brace or some—
Garlic Jr.: PAIN TRAIN'S COMING!
He grabs Piccolo's head as well.
Goku: Hey, Piccolo!
Garlic Jr. takes both of them outside of the castle by bursting through a wall.
Garlic Jr.: Next stop: ROCK BOTTOM!
And he then crushes them both into the ground.
Goku (muffled): I get it!
He and Piccolo get away.
Goku: That's it! Takin' off my clothes!
He strips his shirt, falling to the ground and revealing to be weighted.
Piccolo: Wait a minute, why would you even bring your weighted gi?
"Why wouldn't you?" Goku asked. "It's good training! At least back then."
Goku: Why would you?
Piccolo takes off his cape and turban.
Piccolo: Because I don't have a house to leave them in!
"Fair."
Goku: Why don't you just buy a house with the Ox-King's money?
"Sometimes I forget Goku's concept of money is pretty weak."
"I don't, he's never been too good with money!"
Piccolo: What world do you live in?
Goku: One with a house...and a wife...and a son!
Piccolo: ...I really don't care for you right now.
Both he and Goku charge at Garlic Jr.
Garlic Jr.: Give me your best sho-
Goku and Piccolo blast him simultaneously, sending him flying away.
"Doesn't matter if you're immortal," Beerus watches. "If you're still weak, you're just a flying punching bag.
Goku: And that's the way the garlic crumbles!
"Cookie," Gohan corrects.
Kami: You DO realize he's immortal.
Piccolo: Pretty sure you chop garlic.
Kami: Seriously, he wished for immortality before you showed up!
"Is no one seriously listening to Kami?" Dende asked.
Goku: Either way, I call this another win for Goku!
Piccolo: 'Scuse me? That was my kill!
"Hmm… Sorry, Piccolo, but I got the kill."
"No, no, no, no, no! He fell to my attack first!"
Gohan sighed. "Dad, Piccolo? Immortal, remember?"
Kami: He's going to get up at any moment! He's got this technique, too, and it's-
Goku: Piccolo, it's not a competition! I already won!
Kami: You can still sense him! He's not-
Piccolo: I am going to wear your entrails as sweatbands!
Frieza nods approvingly. "That's an appropriate threat. Creative and gory at the same time."
Kami: I can literally see the debris SHAKING!
Goku and Piccolo ignore Kami and attack each other, and Garlic Junior gets back up.
Garlic Jr.: I AM ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT DONE!
Channeling an enormous power, he summons the a dark abyss known as the Dead Zone, which begins sucking up everything, although Goku and Piccolo don't notice until it causes the floor below them crumbles, which causes them to fall.
"A black hole?" Beerus asked.
"No, it seems to be some sort of vortex-portal, my lord," Whis said.
Garlic Jr.: This is the Dead Zone! The SAME dimension you banished my dear father to, Kami!
Kami: So is that how your father receives conjugal visits?!
"Seems Kami and Piccolo share the same kind of snark," Bulma mused.
Garlic Jr.: EAT A DICK, YOU WRINKLED GREEN DUSTBIN!
The dead zone is starting to suck everything into it, including the castle.
Piccolo: NO! My castle!
He starts flying towards the Dead Zone, but Goku manages to grab him by the foot.
Goku: Hey, Piccolo! He's not dead!
Piccolo: YEAH, how 'bout that?!
Kami: YEAH, HOW 'BOUT THAT?!
"I don't blame Kami, dealing with all of you for so long must have been torture," Beerus shudders at the thought.
Piccolo: Well, then...this victory is MINE!
He then fires a blast at Garlic Jr., but it just bounces off.
Goku: ...You want, I should take a turn?
Piccolo: Shove it, Goku!
Meanwhile, Krillin regains consciousness as he is being sucked toward the Dead Zone.
"Oh, good, you're alive," Android 18 said.
"Where's Gohan?"
Krillin: OH, GOD, NO!
Garlic Jr.: EVERYONE IS GETTING SUCKED TODAY! Demons, humans, and Gods alike! It's even sucking up your children!
"Disgusting creature," the god of destruction spat.
Gohan: LEAVE MY DADDY ALONE!
The little toddler crashes through the debris he was buried under.
Garlic Jr.: Huh?
Goku: Gohan?! Krillin, you had one job!
"Not my fault!"
Garlic Jr.: Oh, how cute! And what is the four-year-old going to do to stop me?
Gohan sends a blast at him which hits him head on.
Garlic Jr.: Ah.
Flies inside the Dead Zone, which shatters, the demon forever trapped in the dimensional portal he summoned. Gohan is caught by Goku, resting in his father's arms.
Gohan (wakes up and see Goku): Daddy!
Goku: Hey, son!
Gohan: What happened?
Goku: I don't know! I think I won.
"Taking credit for my win, Dad?" Gohan teased.
"Hey, me and Piccolo softened him up for you!"
Gohan: You're the best, daddy!
Goku: Uh-huh! Now, let's go-han, Go-home!
"Do you have a concussion?"
"Probably."
Goku: It's almost time for dikfast!
"Judging from the trend, Dinner-breakfast?" Beerus asked. Whis writes it down.
He picks up his power pole and walks away with Krillin and Kami.
Piccolo (watching from above): ...I'm gonna steal that kid.
"Already after me, huh?" Gohan laughs. Piccolo just scoffs and smirks.
The screen shows Goku and Gohan heading home on the Flying Nimbus.
Narrator: And so, the brave Son Goku and his son defeated the evil Garlic Jr.! With the help of Piccolo, Kami, and the greatest ally known to man-kind...
Krillin: ...The sex master and kung-fu legend—
The scene cut to Kame House.
Krillin: KRILLIN!
"You didn't do anything though," Yamcha pointed out.
"And sex-master?" Roshi snickered. "Maybe I taught you too well."
Android 18 leaned over Krillin, a teasing smile. "Eh, at least one of the titles were correct."
She kisses his forehead and Krillin blushes. "Aw, come on, stop it!"
Nappa (on the phone): Yeah-
"Is that fucking Nappa?" Vegeta shouted. "The hell is he doing alive? And talking with Krillin?"
Nappa (on the phone): -okay, so I'm gonna have to stop you right there. First question: WHY would he summon the Dead Zone-the only thing that could defeat him?
Krillin: Okay, you know, I wrote myself into a corner with that whole immortality thing. Pretty much regretted it immediately after.
"So that explains the bad ending and all the inconsistencies," Tien said.
"Krillin, don't quit your day-job," Oolong said.
Nappa: Second question, I mean no offense: Why exactly were you there?
Krillin: I do bring a certain humanistic edge to the setting...
"You showed up, got peed on, and got knocked out for most of your scenes."
"I helped!"
Nappa: And WHY did you write yourself getting peed on?
"Is that what you're into?" Roshi teased.
Android 17 gagged. "I'm gonna need those Dragon Balls. Give myself some grade A amnesia.
Krillin: The better question is: how much will you PAY ME to get peed on?
"This is just complete slander!" Krillin shouted.
Nappa: ...You're gonna go far in this business.
Krillin: Woo-hoo!
Text appears, saying: [The film, Skygina, was eventually produced.
It grossed 7 billion Zeni in its first week.
Due to Krillin's lack of foresight, however, as well as a convoluted contract, he received no money from the film and was stricken from the credits.
"Oh, come on!"
"Hey, look at the bright side!"
"What bright side?!"
"…at least the Krillin owned counter didn't go up once?"
He now lives, broke as the day he was born, at Kame House.]
As the credits roll, "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring starts playing as the credits roll. Garlic Jr. is shown pounding his fist as he is trapped in the Dead Zone.
"Huh, well that movie was interesting," Bulma said. "Much longer than the usual episodes."
"Should we just think every one of these movies as mere nonsense?" Beerus scoffs.
"I don't know, it's still pretty fun to watch!" Goku smiled.
"Let's put in the next episode!" the kids cheer.
Krillin grumbled. "Hopefully there isn't any more of me getting peed on…"
And done. I hope you liked the first Dragon Ball Z Abridged Movie!