Hey, guys! I'm back in under a year. New record! Hahahahaha…. I hope you like this episode and the debut of Lord Freeza! Or Frieza. Or however the hell you spell it.
"Hmm… If I remember right, now should be the rime when we got to Namek proper," Krillin thought out loud.
"And here I was hoping to be excluded from this farce," Frieza rolled his eyes.
The disclaimer plays per usual.
Kaiserneko: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
The scene shows Kami's spaceship arriving on Planet Namek.
"Wow…" Dende's eyes widened, seeing his old home. "Our old planet, before that jerk blew it up."
He glared at Frieza who ignored it. Instead, the tyrant scoffed, "You could have used your Dragon Balls to restore your planet and you know it."
"And leave it easy for monsters like you or your Frieza Force to find us?" Dende spat. "As if!"
Narrator: So, after seven hundred and thirty-one grueling galactic weeks of travel—or one month if you never watched "Men in Black"—our *ahem* "heroes" have finally arrived on Planet Namek. Where the sky is green, the grass is blue, and it's boring as s**t.
"It was more than that!" Dende yelled.
"Really?" Frieza raised a brow. "I found it all to be the same."
"You're not too observant, Frieza," Vegeta scoffed. "You just destroyed everything."
The tyrant glared. "Yes, and if memory serves, so did you."
Krillin: Hey, Gohan, check it out. Blue grass. What do you think their favorite kind of music is? Huh? Huh?
"Huh, that is funny," Krillin said.
"A bit on the nose, honey," Android 18 said.
Gohan: R&B...?
Krillin: Huh. You're really sheltered, aren't you?
"To be fair, by that point I was basically a toddler or kidnapped by Piccolo," Gohan said. "And Piccolo's not really a public person."
"You try it after being the son of one of Earth's worst villains," Piccolo rolled his eyes.
Gohan: I had to read an entire book about peach farming on the way here. You tell me.
"So that didn't change…" Gohan noticed.
Krillin: Well... hey! We're on Namek now! Bulma, got the Dragon Radar?
Bulma: Right here! We're already picking up four Dragon Balls!
"The Dragon Radar," Frieza sighed. "It would have made things so much more simple. Earth technology, while inferior mostly, does have some surprising charm."
"Not sure if I should take that as a compliment," Bulma said.
"Eh, at least you have decent intelligence."
Krillin: See? Now we just have to find them, wish our friends back, and head on home!
Bulma: Hey Krillin, is that a Saiyan ship?
A space pod is seen flying above Krillin.
"Wow, it's like the universe just needed to make you wrong," Tien observed.
"Saiyan ship," Frieza rolled his eyes. "You people stole those designs from the Tuffles, then gave me all the technology."
"Tuffles," Vegeta rolled his eyes. "You make it sound like they're the innocent ones. The Tuffles had treated us like an infectious disease."
"Eh… that's not true," King Kai said.
"Hmm?" Vegeta raised a brow.
King Kai straightened his back to speak. "While the Tuffles didn't treat their Saiyan guests perfect, it was not like to the point of near-slavery like you were taught, Vegeta. History is written by the winners, after all and it benefited the ruling class of Saiyans to claim that their genocide of the Tuffles was 'just.'"
Vegeta turned away. "It's ancient history anyways. Not like we'll ever see any Tuffle again.'"
"Except in Universe 6," Whis said. "They should have some of these Tuffles there I think."
"Enough about Tuffles!" Beerus shouted. "I'm beginning to get the strangest craving for mushrooms!"
Krillin: (notices the space pod) Huh?
Gohan: I think I sense Vegeta.
"And it just gets worse," Yamcha said.
Krillin: (sounding more frightened) Huh?
Bulma: Oh, and now those four Dragon Balls are on the move.
Krillin: AAAAAAAAAAAAA-
"Guess realization hit me hard, huh," Krillin sweatdropped.
"Considering it took merely Nappa to kill most of you, it's to be expected how ridiculously panicked you were," Vegeta said. "In a straight fight, you would have been fucked."
The opening sequence plays, and then the scene shifts Vegeta's space pod landing on Namek, with Vegeta emerging from the crater and holding a scouter.
Krillin (in background): -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
"You're still screaming?" Chi-Chi asked.
"This isn't me!" Krillin protested. "This is just the character in… the show!"
Vegeta: Ahhh... good to be back at a hundred percent again.
He puts on his scouter.
Vegeta: Augh, I just got here and this planet's already annoying me.
Vegeta sees another space pod approaching Namek
Vegeta: Wait a minute, is that Cui's pod?
He begins to walk forward.
Vegeta smirked. "Well, this is going to be fun."
Vegeta: Well, I better go take care of this.
Krillin: -AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
He stops to gasp for breath.
"I'm honestly surprised anyone could scream for that long.
Gohan: Ya done, Krillin?
Krillin: Yeah... I'm good.
Frieza Soldier 1: Hey! What's that over there?
Krillin: AAAAAAAAAAAAA-
And once again, he begins to scream, which continues in the background.
"This again?!" Beerus glared.
"You can at least sense their power levels!" Vegeta shouted. "You can sense power levels! How did they get the drop on you! And at least the brat should be stronger than them!"
"C'mon, guys, lay off Krillin," Goku defended his friend. "It's a stressful day."
Frieza Soldier 2: In the name of Frieza, we demand that you stop!
Krillin: -AAAAAAHHHHH! Wait, haven't I heard that name before?
Frieza Soldier 2: Alright, stay where you are and we'll shoot you.
"Ahh, that's refreshing to hear they're still operating correctly," Frieza smiled.
Goku frowned. "Wait, isn't it-"
Krillin: Don't you mean "Or we'll shoot you?"
"Yeah, that," Goku said.
"Of course you'd say that," Frieza rolled his eyes.
Frieza Soldier 2: We know what we said!
The nameless soldier fires a shot at the spaceship, with Bulma jumping out of the way.
"That was close!" Bulma shouted. "I'm starting to remember why I don't attend the adventures as much."
Toilet: Nein!
Bulma manages to avoid the explosion, but the spaceship is now immobilized as it has a visible hole, causing the front window to crack.
Krillin: Huh. Well there goes our ship.
"You'd think you'd be more freaked out," Bulma said.
"Eh, I think that me's gotten used to it," Krillin said.
"He was just freaking out a second ago!"
Bulma: (off-screen) What the f**king hell?!
"See, that was the right reaction," Bulma said.
"You're biased!"
Frieza Soldier 1: Damn, man, you couldn't hit the broad side of a space barn.
Frieza groaned. "They could at least pretend it was intentional… Embarrassing."
Frieza Soldier 2: Yeah, well, that's only because I'm too busy hitting the broad side of your mom!
He then gets punched by Gohan.
Frieza Soldier 2: Gah! My face!
"Seriously, why didn't you do that when you saw them?" Bulma asked. "Saved us the ship."
"We were doing our best!" Krillin said.
"Yeah, Bulma, please calm down," Gohan said.
Krillin kicks the other soldier, making him collide with the soldier Gohan attacked and into a lake.
Krillin: Hah! Looks like they're all... washed up!
Gohan just gives a blank stare
So did the others. Krillin was groaning in embarrassment.
Krillin: Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh... da da da da da, oh...
Krillin Owned Count: 11
"I can't blame myself for that one," Krillin admitted.
Bulma: I can't believe this... We're stranded on an alien planet... It's like "Pitch Black" only our Vin Diesel is a total bitch...
"Vin Diesel is a total bitch," Mr. Satan grumbled.
Videl rolled her eyes. "You're just grumpy because he rejected to be in your movies every time you ask."
Krillin: It might be best if we get ourselves out of the open.
He then notices a cave.
Krillin: Hey, look, a cave!
The monk points towards the cave.
Krillin: See Bulma, isn't this nice? A nice dark, dank... cave?
The cave is heard making a roaring noise.
"Wasn't that cave uninhabited?" Gohan wondered.
"Probably just a joke."
Bulma: Who knows? Maybe here I'll finally meet a real man.
Krillin: What about Yamcha?
Bulma: A real man...
"WHAT THE HELL, BULMA?!" Yamcha yelled.
"Hey, like Krillin said earlier, you can't blame me for what that me said!"
"…Yamcha owned counter goes up one!"
"Shut up, Krillin!"
Gohan: Hey, uh, Krillin, do you feel that?
"I'm guessing this was Frieza," Goten said.
"Was Frieza's aura really that scary?" Trunks's brow rose. "He doesn't feel that bad now."
"The hell did you say, you little brat?!" Frieza glared.
"Hmm… I suppose staying with your father as well as near divine beings like Lord Beerus has changed their perspective a bit," Whis theorizes.
Krillin: What? The need to pee? Well they destroyed the toilet so I guess I'll just use a bush or...
He sees something flying in their direction.
Krillin: OH, MY GOD, GET IN THE CAVE!
A large group of soldiers fly past Krillin and co., who are hiding in a nearby cave.
Gohan: Krillin! They have the Dragon Balls!
Krillin: Yes, Gohan, I noticed.
Gohan: Did you feel their power levels? They were as strong as Vegeta!
"Please, I had out-matched them years ago!" Vegeta boasted.
"I still have back ups of old sparring matches somewhere in the galaxy, Vegeta, you sure you want to make that claim?" Frieza smirked.
Vegeta gave him the middle finger.
Krillin: Yes, Gohan, I noticed!
GOHAN: But that one guy at the front, he was like a hundred Vegetas...
The scene shows an image of first-form Frieza.
"Only a hundred?" Frieza rolled his eyes. "That's an insult."
Krillin: YES, GOHAN, I NOTICED! On the bright side, I no longer have to pee anymore! Lemme go change in the cave...
"Ew, did you-" Goten gagged.
Marron laughed. "Daddy went potty!"
Krillin groaned into the welcoming embrace of his wife.
There's a time card that says "10 Minutes Later" and Krillin is seen walking out of the cave and catching his breath.
Bulma: Geez, took you long enough.
Krillin: We're going after those Dragon Balls.
Bulma: Whoa, what?
Krillin: We may be outmatched... but we didn't come this far just to give up!
"Wow, guess a bathroom break was just what you needed, huh?" Goku said.
"Haha… guess so," Krillin sweat-dropped. He had a… suspicion on what exactly he did.
Bulma: What the heck happened in that cave?
Krillin: Something I should have taken care of a month ago.
He removes his hat.
"…you didn't," Bulma gagged.
"Not me, don't yell!" Krillin shouted.
Gohan: ...I don't get it.
Krillin: Come on, Gohan! Bulma, stay here and call Roshi back on Earth. We may need backup. Stay close, Gohan!
Krillin and Gohan dash away.
Bulma: Well, I guess I better set up camp then. (runs inside the cave) OH, GOD, IT'S EVERYWHERE!
Bulma gagged at the thought of having to clean that up. At least when she traveled with Goku and Oolong, neither of them ever anything like that.
"I don't get it," Trunks said.
"Me neither," Goten looked confused.
"You'll get it when you're older," Chi-Chi explained.
"But-"
"When you're older."
The scene shifts to Kame House with the music "I'm Too Sexy" playing in a radio.
"Eh, not my type of music," Roshi shrugged.
"Who the hell are you kidding, old man?" Vegeta rolled his eyes.
A phone rings and Master Roshi answers it.
Master Roshi: Kame house, where the beaches are fine and the bitches are finer! Could you speak up? I'm not wearing pants.
"You haven't had a bitch there in years," Android 18 said.
"You lived there if I recall," Roshi grumbled.
The scene then shifts to Wukong Hospital showing Master Roshi, standing next to a nearby nurse, reporting to Goku about the current situation on Namek.
Master Roshi: And not only is Vegeta on the planet, but apparently someone else is there, even stronger than him! So in short, s**t be wack, yo!
Goku: Fo' shizzle, Master Rizzle!
"I have no idea what either of you just said," Frieza stated.
"Oh thank Zeno, I was going to say the same thing," Beerus sighed.
"It's a weird thing on this planet," Vegeta said. "Some humans talk in this strange broken up variation and are able to understand each other. Whenever one gets too close, I knock them out and walk away."
Goku: I can't do anything until I'm fully healed though! If only there were a way...
Yajirobe: Hey there, I thought I'd just drop in with these magical Senzu Beans that heal all wounds and restore your stamina.
"I can't help but wonder why you didn't use them before you all left?" Whis asked.
"Oh, I couldn't swallow food for a while," Goku explained. "Couldn't eat it, which is the only way to use it to heal."
Goku: ...If only there were a way-
Master Roshi: Take the damn magical beans, Goku!
Goku: Ooh! Sweet science-y magic!
The "Spinach Theme" from "Popeye" plays as Goku eats a Senzu Bean, jumps out of the hospital bed and tears off his bandages.
"You really should always keep a few of those on hand," Beerus said. "Especially in emergency situations."
"We tend to use them a bit too quickly," Goku said.
"Maybe we should designate someone to hold them?" Bulma said. "Someone involved with the fights but responsible and never just hands them out."
They all look to Piccolo.
Piccolo shrugged. "Sure. I live near Korin's anyways. I can pick them up whenever there's a world-ending event."
Goku: Naked time!
He proceeds to strip and puts on his fighting gi.
"Oh thank god!" Gohan sighed.
"Why are you making such a big deal, Gohan?" Goku wondered. "We used to bath when you were little."
"Dad, that's different," Gohan explained. "I'm an adult now, naked parents are something no child wants to imagine."
Goku: All right! 'Kay guys, I'm going to Bulma's place!
Yajirobe gives Goku the remaining Senzu Beans.
Goku: By the way, takin' the beans.
Master Roshi: Krillin?
Goku: Krillin.
"Oh come on!"
Master Roshi: But... why Bulma's?
"Because Capsule Corp is the forefront of technology and we've been experimenting with alien space travel for a long long time," Bulma said.
Goku: Well, I need a ship, and Bulma's dad's a scientist.
"…that's barely a thought," Bulma deadpanned.
"Hey, it all worked out!" Goku smiled.
Master Roshi: ...I'm not even gonna begin to go into what is wrong with that... and just wish you good luck!
Goku: Niiiimbuuus! Later guys!
He jumps out the window.
Goku: Nimbus? Nimbu- Oh-God-oh-crap-oh-geezus-
Goku smashes into ground causing a car alarm to go on off-screen.
Everyone chuckles while Vegeta gives him an exasperated look.
"YOU CAN FLY!"
Goku (in pain off-screen): I'm okay...
Nimbus can be heard showing up off-screen.
Goku: Oh... There he is.
Master Roshi gives a sigh and the scene shifts to Planet Namek with Cui waiting foe Vegeta's arrival.
Cui (tracking Vegeta with his scouter): Hello there, Vegeta. Fancy meeting you here.
Vegeta: So you followed me? Sure took your sweet time.
Cui: Well, I could have gotten here sooner, but I stopped on my way to plow YOUR mother!
Rather than get angry, Vegeta merely smiled, knowing what he's probably about to do to him.
Vegeta: ...My mother's dead.
Cui: I know!
Vegeta: ...You know, I'm having trouble remembering, Cui. What's your power level?
"Oh, I recognize that tone," Goku said.
"Excuse you?!"
"He's right," Bulma agreed. "This is your 'I'm about to majorly flex on this poor unexpecting idiot' voice."
Cui: Ha! You would forget! 18,000. Same as yours, Vegeta.
Vegeta: Funny that. See, I just read my Official Saiyan Handbook-
He holds up said book and starts reading a page.
"The what?!" Vegeta looked completely confused by the edited in item.
"Wow, that would have been helpful when we were little," Goku thought out loud.
Vegeta: -and it says right here "When a Saiyan is beaten to near death, their power level increases immensely."
"Honestly, that's probably the most annoying unfair thing about Saiyans," Piccolo said.
"Theoretically, they don't need training at all," Tien said.
"Huh," Beerus mused. "Maybe we should take advantage of that. If I had known this fact, I would have gathered your Saiyans before the Tournament of Power, beaten you all to near-death, had Whis revive you, and repeat, just to give you a bit of a jump start."
"Ooo, that sounds like a lovely show," Frieza hummed.
"Yeah, Lord Beerus, never say that again," Bulma smiled with false sweetness while holding up a tray of food just out of reach.
Beerus glared. "You're lucky I treasure these treats, Bulma."
"Yes, yes, you never stop reminding me." She lowers the tray.
Cui: Well I don't see what that has to do with anything-
Vegeta: And while I was down on Earth, oh man, I got destroyed!
"Oh, you admit it!" Gohan exclaimed.
"Only because dead men tell no tales," Vegeta scoffed.
"…I think we all know that's not true," Chiaotzu stated.
Cui: Ha ha ha! You... What?
Vegeta: Yep. All by a low level warrior, his half-breed son, a midget, and an obese man with a sword. I lost outright.
"I mean now at least two of you are worthy enough," Vegeta said.
"Wait, which one of us are the worthy ones?" Goku asked.
Cui: Why are you telling me this? You never tell anyone this!
Vegeta: Easy. Because I know you'll never tell anybody, Cui.
Cui (bewildered): But... But I hate you! Why would I—
He proceeds to get blown up by Vegeta.
Cui: WAAAAAH!
Vegeta: God, I love therapy.
"If that was therapy, I wouldn't mind actually going to the one Bulma tried sticking me with," Vegeta said.
"You needed it!" Bulma yelled.
"I don't need anything that quack tried to prescribe to me!"
The scene shifts to Zarbon's scouter getting destroyed by detecting Vegeta's power level.
Zarbon: Oh my, I seem to have gone off prematurely.
"Eh?"
Dodoria: Well, hell. Looks like Vegeta just took out Cui. Poor fish-faced bastard.
Frieza has a sigh of strange nostalgia. "Ahh, Zarbon and Dodoria. I do miss having them run along and do my bidding… Shame they're pathetically weak now. Not even worth Dragon Balls wishing them back. Perhaps I can… persuade that witch who brought me back to lend me their souls one day."
Roshi glared. "You leave my sister alone!"
"I won't kill her, her little magic spell is quite useful," Frieza said. "I'd merely enslave her. It's not like she has too great of combat ability, it would be easy."
"WHY YOU!"
To keep Roshi safe, several of his students got between him and the tyrant, who was smirking evilly at the old man.
"Enough!" Beerus shouted, everyone stopping. "Sit down. Now!"
Zarbon: Wait, which one was Cui?
Dodoria: You remember. Purple guy, hated Vegeta.
Zarbon: Gonna have to be a little more specific.
"Yes, yes, everyone hated Vegeta, we get it," Frieza said. "Tell us something new."
Dodoria: Reproduced asexually.
Zarbon: Oh, him. Ew! You know I wouldn't have minded so much if he wasn't all up in my face about it. I can only swallow so much.
Frieza: Will you two pay attention?
"Oh, I'm finally on screen," Frieza said. "Hmm… the voice is fine I suppose, but it's lacking… I'd say some of my natural magnificence."
Vegeta gagged behind Frieza's back.
The scene shows a group of Namekians.
Frieza: These innocent bumpkins won't slaughter themselves.
Zarbon: Well you might be able to find a way to make them.
"Oh my, what a splendid idea!" Frieza realized. "Even in this ridiculous farce of a show, Zarbon still provides excellent ideas."
Frieza: Oooh! That'd be fun! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!
"Seems they kept his sadism the same," Vegeta grumbled.
Narrator: A new evil has revealed its face. Who are these mysterious enemies? (Gohan and Krillin are seen surveying the situation on top of a ridge) And do Gohan and Krillin stand a chance? The answer to these questions will be revealed... right now! Zarbon, Dodoria, Frieza, and-
The camera shows Krillin.
Narrator: -ohhh my, no!
Krillin blinked. "Wait, what-"
Krillin: Wait, what-
"Hey!"
"Kinda walked right into that, didn't you, Krillin."
The ending credits play, then comes the stinger. The scene starts on King Kai's planet in Other World.
King Kai: Alright, now that you have arrived on my planet we will begin your training. Tenshinhan, Chiaotzu, twenty laps around the planet. Piccolo...
Piccolo: Go to hell, I'm meditating.
"Rude," King Kai said.
"Said the man who didn't even try to teach us the Kaio Ken or Spirit Bomb," Piccolo snapped.
"Mmm… If one of you actually resurrects me, I'll think about it!"
King Kai: Keep doing that. Yamcha...
Yamcha: What is it, King Kai? I'm ready for anything!
King Kai: Wash my car.
"Oh, like in that movie, Karate Kid!" Mr. Satan smiled.
"That's a nice reference!" Yamcha laughed, happy to be included.
Yamcha: Oooh! Like in that movie! Wax on, wax off!
King Kai (walks into his house): Yeah, go wax off.
Yamcha's smile faded. "…he doesn't know the movie, does he."
A few of them look at Yamcha with pity.
Mr. Satan coughs. "Yamcha… maybe you and I should hang out more. Maybe I can speak to some people and we can help relaunch your baseball career! Or have a sports documentary! Haha…"
"…you think I can?" Yamcha asked hopefully.
"Enough of this," Beerus snapped. "Talk business on your own time and put in the next video!"
And with that, the first episode of Frieza has concluded! I hope you all stick around, I'll try to do more updates like this, but please know that my days have been pretty busy. I hope you all enjoyed this!