Hello, y'all! Sorry about the hiatus but I just got back from a 2-week vacation. Now I'm getting back on the saddle. Hope you enjoy.
"Hurry up, I'm curious to see if my portrayal here will be any good or not?" Frieza snapped.
"As humble as ever, huh, Frieza?" Vegeta snarked.
"It isn't my fault this ridiculous show has been showing you how the world sees you," Frieza snapped. "A clown moonlighting as a prince."
Vegeta growls, the only reason not attacking is because they're supposed to be watching this under the "request" from the Omni-King.
Kaiserneko: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
The scene shows Gohan and Krillin on top of a cliff, overlooking Frieza with his men interrogating a Namekian village.
Dende sighs.
Gohan gave his friend a concerned look. "Something wrong, Dende?"
"Well, aside from reliving… this… I guess I never realized you were just watching."
Gohan has a horrified look. "Y-you never knew?"
"I always figured you just arrived, you know? I mean, I don't blame you. We were strangers, Frieza and his men were legitimately terrifying, but… I guess it never occurred to me you were watching the entire thing."
"Dende, I'm sorr-"
Dende raises a hand. "Like I said, nothing to apologize for, I don't blame you."
Gohan sighed. "Still, doesn't make it right. I'll apologize anyways. Sorry."
Dende gives a sad smile as he turns back to the screen.
Krillin: Alright, Gohan, keep your power level down.
Gohan: Well I'm trying, but I can't seem to get it as low as yours, Krillin.
Krillin's eye twitched.
Android 18 gives her husband a pitying look. "Maybe it's just a comment on how fine you can lower your-"
Krillin: But I haven't eve- I mean... yeah. Like me.
"…never mind."
Gohan: Krillin, look! The Dragon Balls!
Krillin: Whoa, those things are huge! AC/DC be damned. Geez. These aliens are scary. Especially that one in the front. Looks like a total F.A.G.
Frieza gives Krillin a look of outrage while Vegeta chuckled.
"Nice one," the Saiyan prince snickered.
Gohan: Krillin!
Krillin: What? A Freaky Alien Genotype. What'd you think I meant?
Gohan: Oh, I thought you were calling him a derogatory term for homosexual.
Krillin: THAT THING'S A GUY?!
"HOW DARE Y-"
"Calm yourself, Frieza," Beerus warned, not even looking at the warlord as he takes a bite of pudding. "I'm not going to humor you if you ruin all this food."
Frieza grits his teeth, his power spike returning to normal levels. Vegeta and a few others were actively laughing however. "When I get out of here, I'm killing all of you."
The opening sequences plays, then the scene shows Dodoria turning his head and looking upward, facing the direction where Krillin and Gohan are hiding.
Dodoria: Hm? What was that?
Krillin and Gohan are seen ducking, trying not to get spotted.
Krillin: Um...
He tries thinking of what to do.
Krillin (off-screen): Quack!
Dodoria: Oh, it's just a space duck.
Marron laughs. "Daddy's a space duck! Quack! Quack!"
Mouri: Who are you?
Frieza: Hello. Allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Frieza, and we're a traveling improv group. Here, let me give you a demonstration. My men shall play a group of drunken sailors, and you're a bunch of baby seals. Aaaand, go.
Zarbon murders two Namekians.
Frieza: Aaand, scene.
Dende flinched at the sight while Piccolo glared at the screen, as did the other Z-Warriors. As for the tyrant…
"Oh…!" Frieza covered his mouth and was suppressing a laugh. "T-that was quite good. Maybe I should use that line. For a pale imitation, this show's me certainly has style!"
Mouri: What do you want from us? Why are you slaughtering our people?
"Stupid question," Frieza said, a smile still on his face.
Frieza: Well, you see, I was just in the area and I thought this would be a delightful place for a summer home- what the f**k do you think I'm here for?
Mouri: ...Our trees?
Frieza: ...Zarbon, two or three more.
Zarbon: Two or three more?
Frieza: Two or three more.
Zarbon murders two more Namekians.
Frieza smiles at the kills nostalgically. "Ahh, part of me does miss my old minions. The newest lot really doesn't inspire the same terror."
Goku glared. "And I'm remembering why I took you out back then."
Frieza's grin disappeared as he glared back at Goku.
Frieza: Very good, Zarbon. See, why can't you be more like him, Dodoria?
Dodoria: Sorry. Just listening to the space duck.
Krillin (off-screen): Quack! Quack!
"I guess I'm a duck now…" Krillin said. "At least Marron likes it."
The little girl was still happily quacking.
Dodoria: What a majestic creature.
"I certainly think so," Android 18 smiled, kissing her husband on the cheek.
Frieza: Now, then, all kidding aside... Where's the Dragon Ball?
Mouri: We don't have it.
Frieza: You know, I'd be inclined to believe you if the last village elder didn't say the exact same thing... until we killed everyone and tortured the information out of him, of course. It's the darnedest thing, too... You're beginning to remind me a lot of him.
Mouri: Please. Do not be upset.
Frieza: Oh, I don't get upset. I have people to do that for me. Dodoria?
Dodoria: With gusto.
Dodoria places the two Dragon Balls he is currently holding on the ground. Both Dende and Cargo cling onto Mouri while Dodoria stands up. Mouri glares at Dodoria, preparing for the worst, before Dodoria's scouter starts beeping.
Namekian Warrior: Stop right there!
Three Namekian warriors arrive at scene.
"Ahh, no, now these guys are gonna get slaughtered!" Trunks groaned.
"Actually, Trunks, it went a bit different," Gohan explained, "these guys were actually a bit strong-"
"They lasted 5 seconds," Frieza interrupted, rolling his eyes.
Frieza: Oh, look, more baby seals.
Namekian Warrior: We're here to stop this senseless slaughter of our people.
Frieza: Ninety-two...
Frieza blinked. "What is he- I mean, what am I doing?"
Namekian Warrior: This has gone on for too long. And now, you're going to pay.
Frieza: Three hundred and fifty-five...
"Huh…" Frieza narrowed his eyes, the cogs turning.
"Why are you randomly spouting numbers?" Krillin asked, only to be ignored.
Namekian Warrior: We are... We... What are you...?
Frieza: No, go on. Continue. Don't mind me.
Namekian Warrior: And... We are the ones who will stop you.
Frieza: Ooh, wow. Four hundred and nineteen.
Frieza laughed. "O-oh I see now! Hahaha! That is fun! I'll have to start keeping track! Though I won't be able to count those from the past, the numbers should rack up quickly enough!"
"What are you rambling about now?" Vegeta glared.
Namekian Warrior: That's...
There's a audible record scratch as the music comes to a halt.
Namekian Warrior: What the hell are you doing?!
Frieza: Oh, sorry, it's a little hobby of mine. I hear these heroic speeches so wearily often. So I've started keeping a mental list of how many times I've heard certain lines.
Frieza continued to laugh as the Z-Warriors had disgusted looks on their faces, turning to the laughing tyrant.
"I should have known whatever you had figured out was stupidly sadistic," Vegeta spat.
"Oh, come off it, Vegeta," Frieza wiped a tear from his eye. "This is fun. Maybe I should start by taking count on how many times you'll mention your pride. I'm sure it'll skyrocket in less than 10 minutes."
Namekian Warrior: You... You insane bastard.
Frieza: One hundred and ninety.
Namekian Warrior: Yeah? Well, uh, we're going... to... F**K YOUR FACE!
Frieza: Ohoho, my! Twelve.
Frieza snorts.
The unnamed Namekian Warrior just growls in anger.
Frieza: Zarbon, give the command.
Zarbon: Dodoria, give the command.
Dodoria: Get 'em.
Frieza's soldiers begin charging at the Namekian warriors. The Namekian warriors seem to have the upper hand as they take down some of Frieza's soldiers one by one.
Dende sighed. He knew what was going to happen, no matter how well the Namekians had done against Frieza's foot-soldiers.
Gohan: Krillin, we have to help them!
Krillin: Gohan, we need to stick to the plan. Quack!
"Not going in?" Android 18 asked curiously. "Reasons?"
"Hey, I want to live and I got to protect Gohan," Krillin replied. "Call it cowardly, but I'm the only decently powerful adult there."
"And I'm grateful," Chi-Chi smiled.
Gohan: What plan? You just keep quacking over and over.
Krillin: And we're still alive!
The Namekians warriors continue to fight off Frieza's men.
Zarbon: Sir, they seem to be stronger than we thought.
Frieza: Oh, how cute. They can hide their little power levels.
An explosion occurs with the scream of an unlucky soldier.
Dodoria: Kinda killing our guys.
Frieza: Oh, we have more of those things back at the ship. It's not like we're losing anything valuable.
The Z-Warriors glared at the tyrant's obvious lack of the sanctity of life or his men's loyalty.
Mouri destroys Dodoria's scouter, along with a scouter lying on the ground and a scouter from a dead soldier.
Frieza's eye twitched at the sight. He should have been able to intercept those shots, even back then. Hell, his men should have seen it coming! Damn them!
Frieza is visibly annoyed, closing his eyes and groaning.
Mouri: Hah! Now you can no longer find our villages!
"Except the old fashioned way," Frieza said. "Now I have no choice but to kill them."
Dende glared. "You would have killed them no matter what. This way, my father screwed you over temporarily."
Frieza returned the glare towards Earth's guardian. "I'm quite aware," He said through gritted teeth. "Rest assured, if I ever find New Namek, I'll make sure to repay him for that."
Frieza: Dodoria. Kill them.
Dodoria: 'Kay.
Namekian Warrior: Come on, bring it! There's three of us, and one of you!
Dodoria: Man, you must suck at math even worse than me.
Namekian Warrior: What do you mean?
Dodoria: There's only TWO of you.
Namekian Warrior: That's not right...
He's casually gets impaled by Dodoria faster than he can react.
"Woah!" Bulma blinked. "Okay, that was actually… kind of intimidating!"
Namekian Warrior: Gaaaaaah!
The scene shifts to Capsule Corporation with Goku arriving and jumping off Nimbus.
"What? No!" The kids shouted. "We want to see Namek!"
Mrs. Briefs (throws a watering can): Goku! It's been too long!
Goku: Hi there, Mrs. Briefs!
Mrs. Briefs: Oh, Goku, you can call me what everyone else calls me.
Goku: What's that?
Mrs. Briefs: MILF.
Bulma ends up coughing on some coffee she was drinking, sputtering. "The hell?! I mean, I get Mom's still attractive, but what the hell?!"
Mrs. Briefs: I have no idea what it means, but it's just the cutest little name.
"…I can actually see Mom thinking that," Bulma groaned. "Not to self, make sure Mom never makes a profile on the Internet."
Dr. Briefs: Well, you are quite the MILF, honey. Now what are you doing out of the kitchen?
Mrs. Briefs: Oh, my mistake!
Dr. Briefs: Remember what I told you, sweetie:
Dr. and Mrs. Briefs: Wives are for kissing, not talking!
Bulma just stares at this portrayal of her parents. "The hell is this?!"
"I think they're portraying your father as… well a stereotypical rich white billionaire," Mr. Satan said. "Chauvinistic and a bit sexist."
Both of them start laughing while Goku looks absentmindedly.
"And Mom's a stepford smiler," Bulma grumbled.
Mrs. Briefs: Have fun, you two!
Goku (entering the spaceship): Wow. Is this the ship?
Dr. Briefs: Well, Bulma told me to start on it while you were in the hospital. In case anything went wrong.
Goku: Krillin?
Dr. Briefs: Krillin.
"Oh come on!"
Dr. Briefs: The good thing is it's almost all done.
Goku: Wow! This is just the best day ever!
The scene shifts to Planet Namek with Dodoria headbutting a Namekian warrior into a cliff, killing him. Mouri looks in horror at his fallen comerade.
Dende looked up, the memories of that day hurting as Piccolo put a supporting hand on his shoulder.
Dodoria: Whoops. Looks like I miscounted. I must be having an off day.
Frieza: Bravo, Dodoria.
Frieza sighed. "They just don't make good minions like they used to."
He turns to Mouri.
Frieza: Now, seeing as we have no one left to threaten you with...
He then takes notice of Dende and Cargo.
Frieza: Oh, wait. what are those adorable little things over there?
"Bastard…"
Mouri: You wouldn't...
Frieza: They're just so cute, though. I could just pinch their little heads off. Are you going to make me do that? Because at this point I could go both ways.
"Please," Vegeta glared. "We both know you lack any form of mercy. You'd have killed them anyways for sport."
Frieza shrugged. "I'd have probably given them a 10 second head start. See if they made the hunt interesting."
Zarbon: As could I, Lord Frieza.
Mouri (handing Frieza the Dragon Ball): Fine. Here. Take the ball. And leave us be.
Krillin (one of Frieza's henchmen is seen taking the Dragon Ball): See, Gohan? He's handing over the Dragon Ball. Now no one else has to die.
"You're experienced enough to know when that's bullshit," Piccolo said. "You remember how my father used to do things, and even he doesn't compare to Frieza's sadism."
"I understand, but I think show-Me was just hoping, is all."
Frieza: Oh, just one more question. Could you point us in the direction of the next village? You seem to have destroyed our scouters.
Mouri: That wasn't part of our deal!
"It's his own fault," Frieza shrugged. "Shouldn't have destroyed our scanners."
Dende grumbled curses for Frieza under his breath. Only Piccolo could hear them, who smiled at a few of the profanities uttered in Frieza's name.
Frieza: And five hundred!
Dende and Cargo start to run away.
Frieza: Dodoria, show them what they've won!
Dodoria fires a mouth blast at Cargo, killing him. Mouri, Krillin, and Gohan are all horrified at what they had just witnessed.
Dende couldn't even look at the screen, turning away as he saw his brother dead.
Gohan: Krillin, he's killing them!
Krillin: Happy thoughts, Gohan! Happy thoughts!
Mouri: You... You killed my son!
Dodoria: Yeah, sorry about that. How 'bout I do you a favor?
The pink alien suddenly disappears, moving faster than could be seen.
Mouri: Huh?
Dodoria appears behind Mouri and murders him by snapping his neck.
Dodoria: There. Now you won't miss him.
"I hope they're having a bad time in hell," Dende glared.
"Hmm…" Mr. Popo said. "If you really want to see them, you can head over to OtherWorld and check up on them in Hell. I'm sure King Yama will allow that."
"…thanks, Mr. Popo," Dende smiled.
Gohan is starting to become angry.
"Oh, cool, angry big bro, is back!" Goten said.
"You really shouldn't admire me when I'm… like that," Gohan sweatdropped.
"But you get so cool and powerful!" Goten said! "You're at least cooler than when you're dressed as the Great Saiyaman."
Gohan looks wounded by that comment.
Frieza: Oh, and while you're at it, could you deal with the rest?
Dende turns around and starts to run away, but Dodoria easily cuts off his escape. Gohan is seen trying to control his anger.
Dodoria: I really do love kids. They don't leave much of a mess.
Krillin (trying to calm Gohan down): Breathe, Gohan. You're a leaf... A leaf in a calm stream...
Gohan (pissed):F**K THE STREAM!
He leaps from the cliff, flying to Dodoria.
Dodoria: The hell was...
Gohan kicks Dodoria in the face, sending him flying into a Namekian house.
Dende smiled at the sight. He was saved at least, and now his brother and father were currently alive on their new planet. Don't think of the past, focus on the present.
Dodoria: Did I just get hit by a bowl cut?
Krillin kicks Dodoria in the face and grabs Dende.
"Thanks, guys," Dende said.
Krillin gave him a smile. "I'm just glad we could help."
Gohan smiled as well. "Yeah."
Krillin: Quack!
"Quack!" This time Goten and Trunks joined in the quacking.
Both him and Gohan fly away.
Frieza: Zarbon... What the hell was that?
Zarbon: I believe that was the space duck, sir.
The scene shifts to planet Earth with an outside view of a Capsule Corp. spaceship.
Goku (walking around inside the ship): This ship is awesome! Now, where's that button that makes blueberry muffins?
"Wow, the show's Dr. Briefs made something like that?" Goten asked.
"There is no blueberry muffin button," Bulma chided.
"Wish there was…" Goku said, Beerus nodding in agreement.
Dr. Briefs: There is no button like that. I never even considered that.
"Can you make a blueberry muffin button, Bulma?" Goku pleaded. Bulma just gave him an annoyed look.
"Goku, that is a waste of science. Just use the Dragon Balls and ask Shenron to make you a muffin button or a steak button or whatever."
"Hmm…," Beerus thought out loud. "Not a bad idea… Could finally be a use for that worthless dragon."
"Would you seriously use the Dragon Balls for something that… petty?" Whis asked the crowd.
Bulma shrugged. "Honestly, we'ved used it for stupider reasons. Like underwear."
"And your vanity projects," Vegeta muttered.
Bulma glared at her husband. "What was that?"
Goku: Are you sure? It'd be really nice to wake up in the morning, push a button, and have muffins. That'd be great. Wink. Wink.
"The stupider Goku does make a good point there," Beerus nods.
Dr. Briefs: Dammit, there is no muffin button!
Goku: Darn. So, is it ready to take off then, Dr. Briefs?
Dr. Briefs: Goodness no! I still have to install the cappuccino machine!
"And yet, no muffins," Goku said.
Goku: But... But I don't even drink coffee!
Dr. Briefs: It's not coffee, Goku, it's cappuccino. Now stay here; I need to grab the parts from my shop. Make sure not to touch anything, like the gravity controls. Or the Start button. The Start button. Don't touch... the Start button. Now I'll be right back.
"He was smart to repeat it, not that smart to point it out," Bulma said.
He leaves the ship.
Goku: Okey Dokey.
After a short pause, he does the opposite.
Goku: I wonder if this is the button.
Slap.
Several of the Z-warriors had facepalmed at that.
He proceeds to push the Start button, causing the ship to takeoff into space)
Goku: WHEEEEEEEEE!
Dr. Briefs: No! Goku! He's blasted himself off into space! What has science dooone?! Sweetie, I do not see a sandwich with that beer.
"Okay, not looking forward to seeing this version of my dad in the future," Bulma said.
The ending sequences plays, then the stinger is set up, the scene shifting to outer space with Goku's spaceship flying towards the sun.
Goku (from inside the spaceship): Mmmm, those muffins smell like they're almost done!
"Neat!" Goku beamed. "I got muffins after all!"
Frieza rolled his eyes. "It was a complete waste of time. I'd rather focus on the real plot rather than this monkey's boring tale. Someone put in the next episode."
Bulma glared, but was already setting it up.
And that's the end! We got more Frieza, and god, I forgot how much I love Abridged-Frieza.