A story for April Fools Day (which happens to be my birthday). Enjoy!
"Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. BUT THIS IS!"
Uncle Grandpa
Pentagram City, 1923
"What the FUCK is going on?"
Blitz couldn't help but notice that fourteen beautiful human ladies had just barged into the Happy Hotel. Living human ladies no less...
And every one of said girls looked very, very familiar...
...Fourteen Princesses...
Angel Dust was already panicking.
"It's an army of Charlies! Run for your lives!"
"How is this even possible!?" Moxxie's mind was racing trying to make sense of what was clearly a catstrophic breach in the very fabric of reality...
"This is 1923! The same year Disney was founded, incidentally..."
"What in tarnation are you even talking about, Moxx!?" an equally confused Millie said in her adorable accent, sounding exactly like Tiana. Or Applejack.
"And where's Fat Nuggets!? He was here a moment ago..."
Millie spotted the MVP (Most Valuable Pig) who was now happily playing with his new friend, Moana.
"Well, look at that!" said Millie, beaming at the new girl, "Ah see you have your own way with little piggies too! You were raised on a farm as well, weren't ya?"
"Not really," answered Moana, "we don't have farms on Motu Nui, just coconut plantations. The name's Moana, by the way."
"Millie! Nice to meet ya!"
...
"What's happening!?"
A perplexed Loona had just arrived with an equally puzzled Octavia...
"We are here to bring good news, everyone!" Cinderella proclaimed, acting as the leader of the Princesses, "We are taking over this place! It's abundantly clear that this 'Hotel' idea isn't working, so we have come up with something better! From now on this will be our Princess Academy! We'll have the souls of Hell redeemed in no time..."
"YOUR PRINCESS WHAT!?" Loona looked furious, "Who do you girls think you are to come to OUR Hotel and-"
"Loona, let me handle this."
Octavia's words seemed to calm her girlfriend instantly. She inhaled deeply, took a commanding pose she had learned from her mother and faced the Princesses...
"Princess Charlie has placed me in charge of this Hotel, I am a Princess of the Ars Goetia and you will treat me as your equal!"
"Wait, what?" asked Anna.
"What kind of a Princess are you?" Pocahontas inquired with a solem voice, her long hair flowing epically in the non-existent breeze. I thought only Alicorns could do that!
"What kind?" now Octavia was just confused...
"Do you have magic hair?" asked Rapunzel.
"I have feathers..."
"Magic hands?" asked Elsa.
"I'm literally a sorceress. And for the record, the cold never bothered my uncle either!"
"Do animals talk to you?" asked Cinderella.
"My dad is an owl and my mom is a peacock..."
Octavia could barely keep up with the barrage of questions that followed...
"Were you poisoned?"
"No!"
"Cursed?"
"No!"
"Kidnapped or enslaved?"
"No! Are you guys okay, should I call the police we don't have?"
"Then I have to assume you made a deal with an underwater sea witch, where she took your voice in exchange for a pair of human legs?"
"No!"
"Gracious Satan, who would do that!?" Millie asked in shock.
"Have you ever had True Love's Kiss?"
Octavia blushed violently.
"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"
"I have to agree with Loona on that one," Angel Dust said, "and I am a porn star!"
"Do you have daddy issues?"
"Hey!" Husk exclaimed, "I was going to ask her that one!"
"And now for the million dollar question." Rapunzel said with a flare for the dramatic, "Do people assume that all your problems got solved because a big strong man showed up?"
"Does Loona count?" asked Octavia, "She did save me in Los Angeles the first time we met-"
"WHAT!?"
"Look!" Snow White exclaimed, "She's friends with the Big Bad Wolf!"
"WHAT!?"
"She is a Princess!" They all exclaimed, Snow White singing happily.
"WHAT!?"
...
"Ladies, ladies, there's no need to fight over this Hotel..." Moxxie said (with I.M.P. he always acted as the group diplomat when one was needed), "...If you want to help us, then I don't see why we can't work together. Could you please share this 'Academy' project with us, Your Highnesses?"
"What a splendid idea, little spiky friend! How about a demonstration?" Cinderella proposed, "We only need to volunteer the services of one of you... you, for example!"
"Wait, what-"
Angel Dust had no time to react before Merida grabbed him and put him on a chair in the middle of the room.
"Wow," he exclaimed, sounding almost delighted, "you are strong, aren't you? If you were a dude I would be so aroused right now..."
Merida said something in her incomprehensible Scottish dialect...
"My good spider-man," Cinderella started, "my fellow Princesses and I have come together to create the Princess Academy. A place where anyone and everyone can discover their inner royal self!"
"Their what!? Are you crazy ladies suffering from some kind of PTSD?"
"Yes, we are!" exclaimed Jasmine, "We all have some sort of PTSD: Princess Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's a very real thing. I still have a fear of snakes!"
"Fear of sssnakesss is pretty common..." Sir Pentious pointed out.
Having noticed the talking cobra in the room Jasmine was about to make a run for the door...
"Hold there a sec, Princess..." Cherri Bomb said, grabbing Jasmine's arm, "Pentious has tried to kill me a bagillion times and he's my boyfriend now!"
Even Belle was stunned.
"In my defence, it was mossstly to get your attention, my love..."
"Well..." said Cinderella, beaming at the two lovebirds, "at least some of you have made great progress on the way to their happy ending! Which leads us to the subject of today's lesson: finding your Happily Ever After!"
"Is that a musical cue?" asked Moxxie.
"Oh no..." Angel Dust had seen it happen one too many times with Charlie, "...Are you gonna sing? Is it too late to be taken out by the big strong mommy with a bow and arrow?"
For a happy ending first you need
A shoe that fits you perfectly
A gown that's sewn by birds and mice
And a curfew set for midnight
For a happy ending first you find
A house of dwarves, No they won't mind
Cook and clean, sing through the day
And soon a Prince will come your way!
"YES!" exclaimed Angel Dust, "I like the sound of the last part..."
When clouds fill the sky
And hope seems to stray
A smile and a song will brighten your day!
Everybody say "Hey! Woah!"
Happily Ever After!
Love finds a way
It's not always a disaster
Whistle a happy song!
Find out where you belong!
Even when you get it wrong!
Find your way to Happily Ever After!
For a happy ending make the choice
To be with him you trade your voice
A whole new world waits just for you
You shouldn't need a man to rescue you!
Millie, Loona and Cherri Bomb could not agree more!
To find the one just look within
Beauty lies beneath the skin
The Shadow Man can make it worse!
But True Love's Kiss can break a curse!
A Wish on a Star will follow where you are
But Once Upon a Time is all up to you
Everybody say "Hey! Woah!"
Happily Ever After!
Love finds a way
It's not always a disaster
Discover how far you'll go!
Go where the wind may blow!
Believe and just LET IT GO!
Find your way to Happily Ever After
Into a world full of fantasies
Discover your dreams and set them FREEEEEEEEE!
Hey! Woah!
Happily Ever After!
Love finds a way
It's not always a disaste...WOAH!
The wishes inside of you!
Ones that you never knew!
Believe and they can come true!
You are on your way!
TO HAPPILY EVERRRRR...
AFTER!
watch?v=8etMbhXRPgg
"Wow!" Angel deadpanned. "That was shi-"
"BRAVO! BRAVO! WHOOOW!"
A young man with black hair wearing a pair of jeans, a light blue shirt with a golden star on it and a pink jacket was cheering. He had just arrived in the company of three other beings...
"I see you guys have already met my (other) friends!" he said.
"Hurray!" Cinderella exclaimed, "Our redemption experts have arrived!"
"Redemption what!? Who are these fuckers!?" asked Angel.
"Hi, I'm Steven Quartz Universe, but everyone calls me Steven!"
"And I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship!"
Did the purple pony with a horn and wings just talk!?
Blitz looked like he was about to explode...
"BEST DAY OF MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!"
"See, Twilight? I told you they loved us!" said the prancing pink party pony Pinkie Pie.
"This calls for a PARTY!"
"PINKIE, NO!"
"Pinkie, Yes!"
In the blink of an eye, Pinkie took her party cannon from her mane and fired, hitting Angel Dust right in the face and sending him flying across the room. Covered in confetti, of course.
Cherri Bomb was ecstatic.
"WHOOOAH! This fucking place is getting RAD!"
And with that, Pinkie and Cherri became good friends.
"Oh dear, are you alright?" said a concerned Fluttershy, who had flown next to Angel Dust.
"A deer? Where!?" said Angel, still discombobulated, "Has Alastor showed up yet!?"
"Who's Alastor?" Fluttershy asked, innocently.
"He is..."
...Angel Dust was in awe of the aura of sheer kindness that seemed to emanate from the yellow pegasus before him...
"...he is the kind of man a sweet girl like you should never come across..."
"Sounds like Discord!"
…
Steven looked like he had forgotten something... or someone...
"Pinkie, have you seen-"
It's me! Yes, it's me!
"Nevermind..."
I know you were all waiting for me!
I'm here! What a gas!
Took a while but I'm present at last!
It's me!
IT'S ME!
SPINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!
"Who?"
...
"Wait..." said Octavia, "...if you Princesses can come here in Hell, does it mean your Villains are also here!?"
"Well..." Tiana was suddenly nervous, "at least one of them is, sugarcube..."
"Of course I'm here, Princess!" said Doctor Facilier, making his dramatic entrance, "How is Naveen doing?"
"I dont like that guy, I dont like him one bit!" exclaimed Angel Dust, "He sounds just like my Husky and that's fucking creepy!"
Seriously, it was like they had the exact same voice!
Don't you also have a Villain who sounds just like my grandfather?" asked Octavia.
"Yes..." said Jasmine, who was reminded again of her fear of snakes, "...we have him, too..."
"I sense a pattern here..." said Moxxie.
Suddenly, the whole room was shrouded in unnatural darkness...
Steven and Twilight immediately raised glowing purple magic shields to protect everycreature...
Above the stairs, a tall figure shrouded in black and dark purple appeared, with a pair of glowing green eyes...
"HEY!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie, "We expected Jafar to show up on cue! What gives!?"
"You poor, simple fools! Thinking you could descend into the very darkness of Hell and escape me, ME, THE MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL!"
"Oh, oh, it's Maleficent!" said Pinkie Pie, as cheerful as ever, "For a moment there I thought she was Nightmare Moon!"
"Now you shall face me, o Princesses, and ALL THE POWERS OF-"
Maleficent's head exploded.
The magical darkness dissipated instantly.
Everyone turned, in shock and horror, to see Blitz holding his sniper rifle...
"HA! WHO'S A POWER OF HELL NOW, BITCH!"
...
"LET'S PARTY!"
watch?v=c_RMb2WXnik
Who knew demons just wanna have fun?