Hello everyone, Calborghete here, did you miss it?
Today we're going to start another translation project. I hope it's a satisfactory job and that English readers can enjoy reading it better than using bad translators.
As always, I ask for patience because English is not my mother tongue and mistakes are bound to happen, but I hope you'll find it easier to read.
I know it may seem repetitive, but don't worry about it, it won't last long. As you may have already realized, this will be a LOOP story, so the 3.33 scenario won't last long.
As they both take place after Rebuild 3.33, there may be confusion about the link with my previous story (Errors and Successes and Plan E), but I want you to know that there is NO connection between the two, this is a completely new story.
So without further ado, read on.
"Dialogues"
- Thoughts -
"Radio Talk"
"Self-talk."
Responsibility note:
Evangelion, its characters and setting are the property of Hideaki Anno. Any brands, films and series mentioned in this fanfic are the property of their creators.
(*)
Chapter 01.
Shinji found himself alone again, he was in his cell inside the Wunder, having been isolated from everything and everyone, he lost count of how many times he wished for death, wished that this was just a nightmare, one of the worst nightmares of his life, but every time he closed his eyes, hoping to wake up to the sound of the alarm clock or Asuka demanding her breakfast, but the reality was different, he always saw the same thing, the four walls of his cell.
It was like a normal room, with white painted walls and a makeshift ceiling, Misato had ordered it to be built just for this, it had a military-style bed, a small compartment that served as a bathroom, around him he could only see nothing, because his cell was completely isolated from everything.
The light wasn't even in the room, on the ceiling there was a mirror that collected the light from outside and reflected it into his cell, feeling the cold of loneliness and despair, Shinji wanted to scream, but his voice wouldn't let him, he wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.
For many, this would be claustrophobic, inhuman, wrong, but for Shinji, this was nothing more deserved for someone like him, every day he was punished for his actions, every time he closed his eyes he only heard the sound of the DSS choker exploding and killing the only person who had treated him well in this lost world.
Every time he closed his eyes, he heard Misato's voice speaking with shame and anger, he knew she wasn't guilty of any of her actions, but her words hurt, they hurt more than any injury, knowing that he had let down the person who mattered most to him in this world today.
Letting out a sigh, Shinji lay on his bed, he didn't want to do anything else, he just wanted to die. Sakura stopped by his cell to check on his health, she tried to talk to him, but her words died when no answer was given, all she got was silence.
"I'm sorry." Shinji said as he cried, but he had no more tears to release, covering his eyes as he felt the weight of his guilt.
Feeling like the worst person in the world, Shinji didn't want to eat, he didn't want to live anymore, every day he lived was another day of torture for his mind, being completely isolated, hated by everyone.
Opening his swollen eyes, Shinji looked frantically around, searching for any information that might help at this time, but as always, it was the same walls that surrounded him.
He looked up at the glass wall in front of his cell, which was the only way he could get in touch with the outside world. Outside, all he could see was a metal corridor and a metal door at the end, all the same color, all lifeless.
Turning his gaze to the ceiling of his cell, Shinji could see the pattern of the building, the compartment where the light was coming in, never mind his eyes, Shinji could feel his body tired, sleeping was a nightmare for him.
"Murderer." Shinji whispered to himself, feeling that this was the best description for himself at the moment, he had destroyed the world, there was no changing that. "I'm a monster."
Feeling a strong gloom run through his body, he closed his eyes again in the hope that he would never have to look again, he just wanted to die, but death would not grant his wish.
Finally, after a few hours, Shinji heard something, reopened his eyes and looked at the only place where there was any sign of life, the sound of footsteps echoing across the metal bridge, again letting out a sigh, Shinji knew that whoever this person was, they were just another one who had had their life ruined by him.
"Ikari-San?" A soft, feminine voice echoed through his cell.
Feeling that he should answer, Shinji opened his eyes when he saw who his visitor was, looking ahead with tired, downcast eyes. He saw that this was a girl with kind, brown eyes, a medical bag under her arms and a small box in her hands, and a blue scarf tied around her neck.
He knew how he should respond but his body didn't want to act, his depression was at its worst right now, but he had to say something, making a great effort to get up.
Shinji sat down, keeping his head down so he wouldn't have to look into this person's eyes, the shame was too much. "Dr. Suzuhara." Shinji greeted in a whisper, that was all he managed to say.
Typing a password into the glass door, Sakura looked at Shinji with pity, she could see how he was suffering, searching her medical mind for everything she could do to help, but her knowledge was not about people's mental health, but their physical.
Slowly entering the room, Sakura was cautious, not because she was afraid of Shinji, but because she didn't know how she could help. "You can call me Sakura." Sakura lowered her gaze when she saw that Shinji didn't even flinch at her movement.
A silence reigned in the cell, Sakura was searching her mind for something to break the ice that had settled in the place, taking a quick look at Shinji, she could see that he was much thinner than the day he was rescued from the red earth, on his small table his things were still untouched, the SDAT player was still in the same position as before, exactly the way it had been placed there.
"Did you hear something?" Sakura asked in her cheerful, happy voice, hoping to get Shinji to open up a little, but his mood soon evaporated with her answer. "Captain Shikinami said you were always with her."
"No." Shinji replied highly depressed, still staring at the ground in front of him, but hearing Asuka's name made his face come to mind, recalling all the moments he had spent with the redhead.
Sakura lowered her gaze as she saw that Shinji was getting worse, nothing she said or did was helping and she felt the gloom taking hold of her, Shinji was her hero, he was the person who had saved her life the day he piloted unit 01 for the first time.
Seeing Shinji in this state only made it worse, knowing that practically everyone inside Wunder wanted him dead, you could count on your fingers the people who cared about him.
"Captain Makinami sends hug." Sakura said as she remembered Mari, how she was trying to find a way to talk to Shinji discreetly, but the security around her was heavy.
"Who?" Shinji asked still downcast, his eyes never leaving the ground.
"Mari." Sakura said as she smiled slightly, at least he answered. "She wants to talk to you."
"OK." Shinji replied still looking down, only his breathing showed any movement, his mind wondering why she wanted to look at a person like him.
Sakura, seeing that the subject had died down again, decided to talk about the reason for her visit. Taking the folder in her arms, she quickly began to look at her exams. "Ikari-san, what's going on?" Sakura asked worriedly as she looked at Shinji's blood tests, everything was altered, everything was getting to dangerous levels.
Shinji listened to the question, he could feel that his body was dying, he knew why, he knew that the human body needed food to survive, but his body refused to eat, he didn't want resources to be spent on it.
"Nothing doctor." Shinji answered shyly, his eyes still glazed over.
"Shinji." Sakura used his name for the first time, seeing how terribly thin and weak he was, she had his exams in hand, she could see the truth, seeing that her patient hadn't paid attention to her first call, Sakura decided to speak again. "Shinji!"
"What doctor?" Shinji asked again, his mind still foggy.
"Answer me please." Sakura spoke in an extremely worried voice, she didn't like what she was seeing. At the rate Shinji's body was deteriorating, it wouldn't be long before his body gave out and finally stopped working.
Sakura still remembered telling Misato about Shinji's medical condition, seeing how indifferent the Wunder commander was to the whole thing, but Sakura was only following orders, the young woman still remembered seeing Misato looking at the image from Shinji's security camera.
Shuddering as she remembered her commander's idea of placing a gastric tube, forcing food into Shinji's body, Sakura didn't want that to happen.
Seeing all of Shinji's suffering in front of her, Sakura decided to wait for an answer.
Shinji only spoke, his voice still carrying bitterness and sadness. "I'm fine, doctor."
"You're not." Sakura said as she looked down at her legs, she could feel her eyes burning with the emotion of seeing her hero like this. "I can see you're not Shinji, why are you doing this to yourself?"
Shinji didn't answer at first, but deep down he wanted to be able to open up. "It's for the best."
"What?" Sakura said when she heard Shinji talking again, looking at his slumped and depressed form on the bed.
"I said it's better this way." Shinji replied without raising his head, he was still too embarrassed to look at other people.
"What do you mean better?" Sakura asked worriedly.
"Have you ever ... Have you ever done something that had no solution?" Shinji asked in a calm, controlled voice. "That your only existence in this life was to cause harm to the most important people in your life?"
Sakura was speechless, she wanted Shinji to open up a little, but when he finally did, she had no words to help.
Shinji was still looking down, his mind reliving the worst moments of his life. "Do you know what it's like? Do you know what it's like to know that you've destroyed people's lives? Do you know what it's like to lose everything?"
Sakura was still looking at Shinji, her eyes shocked by the emotion that Shinji was carrying with his words. "You haven't lost everything." Sakura spoke as she recalled her conversations with Mari about Shinji, how Mari had said that Misato and Asuka were playing indifferent in front of the others, but that they were worried about Shinji's life.
"Yes, I did." Shinji retorted, his voice always carrying his depression. "Knowing that I've let Misato down, knowing that she doesn't care about me anymore, that my presence alone makes her uncomfortable."
"Knowing that they would be better off without me around." Shinji spoke as his voice broke, but he had no more tears to release.
"I bet they care about you." Sakura said, remembering Mari's words on the subject.
"They don't care anymore." Shinji said as he raised his face slightly, but still without facing Sakura. "I can't run away from it, so it's best for everyone."
"Why?" Sakura asked shocked.
"I can't live in this world, doctor." Shinji said as he looked down. "What kind of life am I going to have? Hated by everyone, locked up forever in a cell, a source of shame to everyone and the world, death is liberating, people would be happy, I'd finally be out of their lives forever."
"Don't say that!" Sakura said angrily, her eyes stinging from what she had heard Shinji say. "Don't say that."
"I only bring misfortune to others." Shinji said as he raised his hand and touched the new choker around his neck. "My life is meaningless, I don't deserve to be alive."
"Shinji." Sakura spoke with shocked eyes, she could finally see a bit of Shinji's soul, seeing how he had his head down. "Look at me."
Shinji showed no reaction, he just stood there staring at the floor of his cell.
"Look at me Shinji, please." Sakura asked pleadingly, she was considering the idea of raising her head and forcing him to talk to her.
Listening to the order received from his doctor, Shinji slowly turned his head, his vision was taken by Sakura's feet, slowly rising as he saw her hands and chest, finally their eyes met, Shinji could see her worried look.
Sakura felt shocked at the sight, she could see that he wasn't asleep and his face was sucked inwards showing the sign of his malnutrition, she wanted to cry at the sight in front of her, but the young doctor managed to hold her emotion in very well.
Looking Shinji in the eye, Sakura spoke with determination. "Don't ever say that."
Shinji was staring into Sakura's eyes with his vision depressed, his mind soon remembering the shirt that belonged to Toji was delivered to NERV, he could only listen at the moment.
"Never say it's better to be dead!" Sakura said as she shook his hand, she couldn't believe Shinji's words, her childhood hero was giving up on life, deep down Sakura still hoped for a happy future for Shinji.
"It's the best." Shinji said as he looked directly at Sakura. He wanted to cry again, but he had no more tears to release. "I have nothing left, I just want to die."
Sakura shook her head vigorously when she heard this, still speaking strongly. "We'll sort it out when all this mess is over, now let's get you back..."
"There's nothing to get back." Shinji cut Sakura off, his voice rising slightly, he began to speak angrily, but this feeling wasn't directed at Sakura. It was directed at himself. "I don't deserve this!"
"And why not?" Sakura retorted indignantly. "What happened to you was an accident, Shinji, you couldn't have foreseen it!"
"It doesn't matter!" Shinji shouted for the first time, he could see how Sakura instinctively jumped back when she heard his outburst, finally feeling the tears tear down her face, finally feeling the dam splintering. "It doesn't matter!"
Sakura only watched in shock as Shinji screamed, feeling fear run through her body for the first time at this moment, she knew Shinji would never hurt her, she was more afraid for his life than hers.
Bringing his hand to his face, Shinji was crying openly. "It doesn't matter."
Sakura wanted to get up and hug Shinji, to give him some comfort right now, but her body didn't know how to react.
"I killed the world Sakura!" Shinji cried, his voice cracking with emotion. "I almost killed what was left... I let Misato down, I let Asuka down... I let you down."
Sakura raised an eyebrow when she heard about it, knowing which moment Shinji must have been referring to, that moment was when the Ayanami model rescued him from the Wunder by lowering her gaze.
"I only cause misfortune for everyone." Shinji said as he wiped his face. "I don't deserve to live Sakura, I can't live with this guilt, I can't live knowing that I've destroyed everyone's life."
"Shinji please." Sakura said as she listened to Shinji's loud outburst. "Please don't think like that, there are still people who care about you."
"Who? Tell me." Shinji said, challenging Sakura.
"Colonel Katsuragi, Captain Shikinami, myself." Sakura said everything that came into her mind, especially Mari's words.
"Misato doesn't ... She doesn't have any more, I can't blame her, I don't deserve her forgiveness or anything, I don't have that right." Shinji spoke as he lowered his head, the mental image of Misato coming on strong, soon to be replaced by the image of Asuka. "With regard to Asuka, she... She..." Stopping when he couldn't mention his red-haired colleague, Shinji decided to continue. "And yet, I have no right to demand anything from them, the best I can do for the world is that, die."
Sakura only watched as Shinji tried to say something, but his voice faded over time, seeing how complicated it still was to mention Asuka. "Shinji, we'll sort this out later."
"They've already lived without me for fourteen years." Shinji said as his voice dropped. "They were better off without me."
Sakura only lowered her gaze to her hand, she felt extremely saddened by Shinji's words, she didn't know how she could help him, all she could do was pray for his recovery, that he could get out of this situation and see how much he was loved by some people.
"Shinji, promise me something?" Sakura said as she stood up, preparing the medical supplies needed to do what she had been ordered to do, seeing how Shinji had calmed down momentarily.
"Promise me you'll start eating?" Sakura said pleadingly as she stood up with a few vials of blood to draw.
Shinji was looking at the ground again, he could feel when Sakura manipulated his arm, a small sting he felt. "I'm not hungry."
"But..." Sakura said as she put the samples away.
"But I'll think about it." Shinji spoke in a dejected, lying voice. Sakura realized this, but her mind quickly concluded that it would be useless to try at the moment.
Putting away her materials, Sakura spoke as she stood up, looking at Shinji with pity and sadness. "Please Shinji, there are people who care about you, your death wouldn't help anything."
Shinji only listened as she left, her footsteps slowly disappearing with the distance she traveled, the sound of a second door closing was heard by Shinji, but in his mind were Sakura's words.
"It would help people to have peace." Shinji replied as he looked straight ahead, his eyes soon locked on his SDAT player, feeling a strong memory of Rei holding them coming into his head.
(*)
Misato was on the bridge, it had been about two weeks since the events of the almost fourth impact, she had her arms crossed over her chest and was maintaining her cold, controlled scowl, for people who had never met Misato Katsuragi before the third impact, they would never have believed in a total change of attitude from the former Major of NERV, only the elders knew the old Misato.
With her eyes covered by her sunglasses, Misato observed everything, seeing how everyone was working as flawlessly as ever, her crew always doing their utmost in a situation.
Standing like a marble statue with only the movement of her breath, her ears registered the sound of the keyboards, Ritsuko was at her side analyzing the values that Wunder was recording, for everyone, she was thinking of a strategy to finish off the biggest enemy, NERV.
But it wasn't that reality, her mind was flooded with images of Shinji, Misato was making a great effort to remain neutral, giving a tired sigh, the purple-haired woman was trying to get the image of Shinji out.
Misato knew she couldn't do anything for Shinji, that the best thing was to walk away, she couldn't show empathy, for everyone else, Shinji was the most villainous, part of the problem was being solved, one of the villains had been caught but for Misato, she still saw him as a shy boy who just happened to be in the wrong place.
Shaking her hand, Misato could feel the weight of the choker's detonator in her pocket, knowing that she should use it if Shinji entered an EVA again, Misato still wondered why he had helped his father when he was removed from Wunder.
Knowing that the little trust people had in Shinji had been destroyed by the event of the near-fourth impact, many people still stopped her and asked why he was still alive, Misato didn't know if she could find the strength to end Shinji's life.
Letting out a sigh as she raised her hand and scratched her head, her mind still wondering what she should do, Shinji had to answer for his actions, but what would the punishment be? She knew that the third impact was an accident, no one could have predicted that the EVAS could cause a situation like that.
Knowing that people wanted someone to blame, and that unfortunately Shinji was the person to blame, she knew that now Shinji no longer had a life, a great doubt prevailed in her mind, what would be the future of her former protégé?
"Misato." Ritsuko's voice snapped the Wunder commander out of her mental reverie.
"What?" Misato replied dryly, she still hadn't turned around.
"We have to question Shinji about his time at NERV." Ritsuko spoke in a disdainful voice, she was in her place, she could see how Shinji's return had hit her former college classmate.
"Lt. Suzuhara still thinks it's too early." Misato replied while still on her back, she was looking at the Wunder's external viewfinder, seeing the horizon line perfectly aligned.
"I know, I see your reports." Ritsuko said as she turned and faced Misato's back. "But your situation is deteriorating rapidly."
What do you suggest then?" Misato replied as she dropped her arms, but still kept her gaze on the screen in front of her, the smell of gaseous LCL was making her sick, but this was a reality that everyone on the bridge had to live with.
"We don't have time." Ritsuko said as she approached Misato. "We have to know everything Shinji knows before..." The fake blonde stopped her speech when she realized the path Shinji was following.
"Before what?" Misato spoke in a firm, controlled voice, finally turning and facing the fake blonde in front of her, she was already aware of Shinji's medical condition, she herself was tremendously worried about it.
"Before your body finally gives out." Ritsuko spoke in a controlled voice. "But from his mental state, we must have some advantage in this war."
Misato knew that her subordinate was right, she couldn't defend Shinji any longer, she had to find out what he knew, this war had to take some kind of turn and her feelings for Shinji couldn't prevail.
Letting out a sigh, Misato didn't want to meet Shinji again, too much had happened between them, she had to think about her crew, the Wunder needed its commander and unfortunately Shinji would have to cooperate somehow. "Right."
Ritsuko only nodded, she knew that all of this must be difficult for Misato, Shinji's return made her relive old feelings that had been locked away in her chest for a long time, she could see this on the day of her escape, when she didn't have the strength to end her life, putting the world at risk once again.
"I'll do the interrogation." Ritsuko spoke as she lit a cigarette, she could see how tense Misato had become at the possibility of meeting Shinji again, unlike Misato, Ritsuko would have no problem killing Shinji or seeing him again.
Listening to her subordinate, Misato spoke as she looked her in the eye, she herself didn't want to have to meet Shinji again, but she couldn't let old feelings take over, she had to face this situation. "No."
"What?" Ritsuko said with slightly shocked eyes.
"I said I'll do it." Misato said firmly as she picked up her personal radio.
"Bridge to detention." Misato said unwaveringly.
"Detention." A voice spoke from the other side.
"Take the prisoner Ikari Shinji to the interrogation room." Misato spoke with a slightly shaken voice, being face to face with Shinji again was taking its toll.
"Yes ma'am." The man replied in a professional voice.
Letting out a sigh, Misato turned and began to walk away from the bridge. Ritsuko only stared at her back, but soon she began to follow, she wouldn't let her old college friend go through this alone.
(*)
Mari and Asuka were walking through Wunder, their footsteps echoing through the metal corridors, both were in their own worlds, Mari was looking for an alternative way to get closer to Shinji.
The redhead, on the other hand, was in a bad mood and her mind still had the image of a certain boy, how pathetic and lifeless she thought his life was, at least that's what the redhead was getting into her head, but the reality was different, she constantly heard Sakura talking about his condition and how he was getting worse every day, both physically and mentally.
Dreading the thought of Shinji dying, Asuka shook her head to clear the metal image of a dead Shinji, but Sakura's words still reigned in her head, as she described his faded, lifeless gaze, which upset the redhead.
Shaking her head as she imagined the scene, Asuka was avoiding Shinji at all costs, she was listening to Mari's constant teasing about him.
Mari was pensive, Sakura's latest diagnosis had made her seriously worried, Shinji was getting worse, but she could see how Asuka was doing these days, how Shinji had re-entered her life and everyone's life.
"What's wrong?" Mari asked in a neutral, controlled voice; she could see how Asuka tensed at the question.
"Nothing." Asuka replied dryly as she put her hands inside her blouse.
"Come on, princess." Mari said as she gave Asuka a gentle nudge. "I can see that, aren't you worried about the puppy?"
Asuka made a face of feigned disgust, Mari was right, she was worried about Shinji, but she couldn't show empathy. "No, he's just reaping what he sowed."
Mari frowned when she heard that, she could see that the real Asuka didn't think like that, but listening still hurt. "I bet you don't think like that."
"And may I ask why?" Asuka asked in a controlled voice, but deep down she wanted to know.
"Whenever his name is mentioned, you tense up." Mari said with a fake smile. "Every time a crew member talks about Shinji and how they want him dead, you get angry."
Asuka was about to reply, but Mari spoke as she raised her hand.
"It's no use princess, your eye patch gives you away." Mari said as she pointed at Asuka's face. "It only shines like that when you're angry."
Asuka was trying to fight back, but Mari's logic was right: there was no way to fight back or defend herself, so all the redhead could do was turn her head and snort.
"I'm worried too." Mari said as she lost her smile and looked straight ahead. "He's killing himself and nobody cares."
Asuka turned her head and faced her friend of many years, hearing those words hurt her heart, the redhead still didn't know why, but the possibility of Shinji dying for yet another of his own stupidities made her angry.
"He only knows how to screw up."
Mari turned her head and faced her friend, smiling inwardly when she saw that her words had had the effect she had wished for. "Why is that bullshit?"
Asuka finally faced Mari with an annoyed look, she knew Mari was trying to get Shinji to ease his case, she hadn't expected this response.
Mari could see Asuka's gaze on her, seeing how her question had caught her by surprise. "He's alone, depressed and destroyed, at least death would end his suffering."
Asuka only let out a snort as she shook her head. "Suicide is for cowards." But her body shuddered as she imagined the scene, various scenarios came into her head, images of Shinji hanging from the ceiling, other times he was lying dead from malnutrition, one image worse than another.
Shaking her head hard to clear the image, she could feel Mari's eyes on her. "He wouldn't do something stupid like that."
"I don't want him to die." Mari said in a sad voice. "The puppy is taking all the blame himself."
"You talk as if he's not guilty." Asuka said as she formulated a standard Asuka response, but deep down she knew that Shinji would never do something like that of his own free will.
Mari spoke as she looked Asuka in the eye and spoke in a calm voice. "You're following the herd."
"I'm not!" Asuka retorted annoyed, she thought she was more superior than the others.
"Yes it is." Mari spoke with conviction as she rebutted, she wasn't afraid of Asuka or anyone else. "I was there that day, I saw with my own eyes the third impact."
Asuka again huffed in annoyance, she constantly heard Mari telling this story, Asuka hadn't experienced the third impact like Mari had, she was in a coma due to her injuries after the failed activation of Unit 03.
"But he caused it." Asuka said as she returned to normal, her mind was in serious doubt about this, if the world was in order they might think differently, but now the world was in chaos, Shinji had put them through a perpetual hell even if it was accidental.
"Princess." Mari said seriously as she stopped in Asuka's tracks, looking into her eyes with a rare seriousness on her face. "I want you to listen to me, and listen well."
Asuka was startled by Mari's seriousness, she had never seen her friend like this before, but she managed to maintain her outward form very well.
Mari, seeing that she had the attention she wanted, decided to start talking. "I know you care a lot about him, there's no point in denying it." Mari said when she saw that Asuka was already beginning to formulate an excuse to avoid the subject. "You're so tough, but I can see behind it all, Shinji is abandoned, and if you keep controlling your life through your pride, one day it may be too late and there's no point in crying."
Asuka was looking at Mari's serious face, she felt the weight of those words, the redhead really knew that her pride would one day land her in serious trouble, but what did Shinji have to do with it? Asuka hadn't yet understood her feelings towards him.
Lowering her gaze to the ground, Asuka thought about Mari's words, Shinji was in serious trouble, WILLE wanted his blood, Shinji didn't see his life as something to be fought for and respected, his mental state according to Sakura was getting worse and worse.
Feeling a chill at having the mental image of dead Shinji in her cell again, Asuka quickly shook her head to clear it, she could see that Mari was still waiting for an answer, thinking carefully.
"I ... I don't know what you see in that brat." Asuka growled as she tried to pull away from Mari. "He fucked up and he deserves to be punished for it."
Mari shook her head in disappointment at the thought of her war friend, knowing that Asuka really didn't think so, her nightmares proved it, the nights before her recovery in space showed it. "I don't believe it, I expected more from you Asuka."
Asuka stopped as she turned around, sensing the venom in her friend's words. "Can you say that again, four eyes?"
Mari didn't feel intimidated, looking at Asuka with intense eyes. "I said I expected more from you." Seeing how shocked Asuka felt by her statement. "But that's okay, one day Shinji will die and you'll be able to go and celebrate with the rest of the crew, but don't worry, according to Sakura, you won't have to wait long."
"And when that day comes." Mari continued speaking, her posture bored and cold. "I won't be there to help you, you'll deal with it on your own."
Asuka widened her eyes at Mari, she could sense that she was serious, never in her life would she celebrate Shinji's death, she knew that the crew was counting down the days to the end of his life, according to some people, a big party was scheduled for when that day arrived.
Mari started walking and passed Asuka, she could feel her eyes on her back, but she didn't care, she was just feeling disappointed.
Asuka realized that Mari was serious, and seeing her posture, a torrent of adrenaline rushed through her body.
"Mari." Asuka called out to her friend, seeing how Mari completely ignored her, she decided to speak up. "Mari!"
"What's wrong?" Mari said as she turned around, her eyes showing her discomfort.
Asuka stared at her for an eternity, seeing how ready she was for any answer. "Why are you doing this?"
"Simple." Mari said as she turned completely around, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't think what's happening to him is fair, as I said before, I saw with my own eyes what happened that day with Ritsuko, Misato, Maya, Makoto and Shigeru."
Asuka had heard all this before, but she hadn't really believed it, but judging by Mari's reaction, she wasn't lying.
Mari, seeing that everything was going as she expected, decided to speak up again. "Everything is being dumped on him, the baby won't last long."
"You talk like we're going to kill him!" Asuka snarled at Mari, moving to meet Mari's eyes in the hope of changing his view of her. "He'll probably be given some stupid function in here!"
Mari shook her head, she knew how the world worked. "Are you stupid or are you just playing dumb?" Asuka's eyes widened softly, Mari decided to continue. "Do you think he'll get a fair trial? Do you think he'll join us? Do you think he'll be able to live like this? Anyone wants him dead."
Mari, seeing Asuka's shocked look, continued as she began to approach. "He's destroyed, and everyone here doesn't seem to understand that, Colonel Katsuragi who was his guardian thinks he deserves to fuck off, even you think so."
"Kaji really was right." Mari said regretfully as she remembered her old friend, feeling the nostalgia hit hard. "He was killed while searching for the truth to help Shinji, really you and Misato are no different from Gendo, WILLE is no different from NERV."
Asuka lowered her gaze as she remembered Misato receiving the news, she wanted to retort to everything Mari was saying, but the words wouldn't come out.
"He's suffering the harshest psychological torture anyone can receive." Mari spoke with disgust at the thought of how they were treating Shinji.
"What do you expect me to do?" Asuka asked intensely as she opened her arms; Mari's words had hurt.
"What can you do?" Mari replied rhetorically. "Don't follow the herd, you who have lived with him are afraid to speak out."
"I'm not afraid!" Asuka said, feeling her pride hurt.
"Yes, it is." Mari said defiantly. "I can see that, for you and Katsuragi, your reputation is more important than doing the right thing, and as I said, one day it will be late, and I'll love to be there to say 'I told you'."
Asuka only looked shocked when Mari simply turned and started walking, the redhead only watched as Mari turned a corner and disappeared, again alone in the corridors, Asuka thought about everything she had heard, feeling the strong blow to her conscience, looking at her hands in guilt.
"Shit." Asuka said as she raised her hands up, she knew Mari was right, but to what extent? Was Shinji really worth all this to her and Misato? What if he really is innocent?
Growling as she walked back, Asuka would have a lot to think about, but she knew one thing was certain, Shinji was in her life and he was here to stay, but she felt the weight of worry for Shinji's future.
(*)
Shinji was sitting on a metal chair, again he was staring at a glass wall that separated him from his accusers, he wished he could look up and look his former guardian in the eye, beg for her forgiveness, but the courage to face her again wouldn't come.
Sakura was a few meters behind, she was there to give Shinji some moral support, she could see how uncomfortable Misato was to be in front of Shinji again, her eyes turning back to him and how she looked at her with pity and compassion.
Misato had her eyes covered by her sunglasses, her gaze locked on Shinji, the Wunder commander was analyzing his posture, she wasn't doing it out of anger or seeing Shinji as an enemy, but seeing how true Sakura's words were, Shinji wasn't doing well at all.
"Ikari Shinji." Misato spoke in a controlled, cold voice, the same tone she used when Shinji woke up.
Feeling his shoulders stiffen at the coldness in Misato's voice, Shinji was fighting against his emotions, he wanted to be able to say that he didn't know anything, that it had all been a big accident.
Misato moistened her lips again, she could see Shinji's fragile state, but she couldn't show any compassion. "Depending on what you say, it might help you in some way." Seeing how still Shinji was, Misato knew that this must be difficult for him. "What do you know?"
Shinji knew it would be useless, he would talk if he knew anything, but his time at NERV was in complete darkness, he had only seen his father once. "I ... I don't know."
Misato clasped her hands together in anxiety, she could see that Shinji hadn't lied, she didn't need to be an expert to see that he didn't know anything, but unfortunately the interrogation had to be done, her eyes once again falling on the choker around his neck.
"How did you remove the first choker?" Misato asked in a professional voice.
Shinji closed his eyes as he felt his eyes sting, lonely tears ran down his thin face, memories of Kaworu's death flashed through his head and how he had caused the death of his close friend. "Ka ... Kaworu removed."
Sakura squeezed the clipboard she was holding, she wanted to be able to remove Shinji from there as quickly as possible, she could see that he was at his limit, how close he was to collapse and anything like that, the result would be fatal.
"How?" Ritsuko asked from her seat, she was interested to know what changes had to be made, Misato was staring at Shinji's shrunken form all the time, she wished she could do something, but unfortunately the circumstances didn't allow it.
Shinji lifted his hand and gently wiped the tears from his face, speaking in a voice just above a whisper. "I don't know."
Letting out an annoyed sigh, Misato knew that this was leading nowhere, but soon she heard Shinji talking again.
"Ka ... Ka ... Kaworu just took it." Shinji said as he lowered his head even more, I should have fought harder to stop him putting it on himself, but as usual, he did nothing, another death for my back.
Ritsuko made a note of this in her notebook, she wished she could dispute it, but judging by Shinji's state, it would lead to nothing.
"Why?" Misato asked, she wanted to know something, something that had been on her mind since Shinji's arrival. "Why did you help your father?"
Shinji shuddered when he heard her voice, he thought carefully about the words. "I ... I didn't help him."
Misato raised an eyebrow when she heard these words, her curiosity growing, but she didn't say anything, just waited.
"Kaworu said that the third impact ... that the third impact could be reversed." Shinji spoke with dead eyes, his face contorted into a grimace as he remembered the moment. "I'm sorry."
Misato felt her heart breaking at the scene, she wished she could go over there and comfort him, be a guardian again, but they were in a war, she had to maintain her authority, still maintaining the posture of commander. "Didn't you think for a moment that he was deceiving you?"
"No." Shinji spoke as his voice broke, feeling more tears run down his face. "I'm sorry... Please forgive me."
Sakura was about to interfere, but Misato spoke up again.
Knowing that she could lose control if she saw more, Misato simply stood up and spoke in a controlled, cold voice: "This will lead to nothing."
Shinji heard the sound of footsteps, finally raised his head and saw that Misato was standing with her back to him, heading for one of the exits, putting her hands on the glass wall and speaking in a voice bordering on desperation. "Misato-San!"
Seeing how she was getting closer and closer to the exit, Shinji clenched his fists as he felt more tears streaming down his face. "Please forgive me!"
Sakura approached Shinji, who was crying openly and heavily as he began to collapse on the floor. Seeing how Misato simply left with Ritsuko at her back, the young doctor gave him an annoyed look as she tried to console Shinji in some way.
"Let's go Ikari-San." Sakura spoke meekly as she tried to lift Shinji, she was going to take him back to his cell, seeing how the guards had already entered with strong frowns on their faces, the young doctor simply gave them a warning look, that was enough to drive them away. "It's all right, Ikari-San."
"Please." Shinji begged on the floor as he cried. "Please forgive me, I didn't know."
Running her hands down her back, Sakura desperately thought of any solution, but nothing came to mind, she could only pass on words of comfort. "Calm down, you'll be able to talk later."
"Sakura..." Shinji spoke between sniffles, his face stained with heavy tears, in his mind there was only one thought. "Sakura, please!"
Sakura looked at Shinji's desperate face with pity, seeing his desperation was hurting her.
Shinji, seeing that Sakura was looking at him, decided to speak while gasping heavily. "Please Sakura... Kill me!"
Sakura's eyes widened as she heard Shinji's request, she couldn't do it, the only thing she could do at this point was lift Shinji up, her eyes showing her shock.
Shinji could feel the arms around his body, but his mind was elsewhere, he just wanted to die. "Please... Kill me."
After a short walk back to her cell, Sakura gently applied some medication to Shinji to calm his body, seeing how he lay staring at the ceiling whispering an apology, but his mind only had one thing, his plea for death, that hurt more than anything.
(*)
Sitting at a table, Sakura was staring at her food, Shinji's eyes never leaving her mind, his look of despair along with his request was repeating in her mind like a broken record.
"Please ... Kill me!"
"Please ... Kill me!"
"Please ... Kill me!"
"Please ... Kill me!"
Sakura shook her head as she listened to Shinji's request, and as she was about to explode, another tray of food fell in front of her, looking at its owner with tired eyes.
"Hi doc." Mari said with a fake smile as she sat down in front of him, while Asuka sat next to her with a somber look on her face.
Sakura looked at the faces of the two women and felt a pang of anger growing in her; she still couldn't believe how these people who had lived with him were abandoning him in the cruelest way.
Seeing the look on Sakura's face, Mari quickly judged that she was upset. "How are you?"
"Well." Was Sakura's dry reply, she didn't want to talk to them now.
"Wow." Mari said eating a little, Asuka was looking at Sakura with an indifferent look, but she could see that there was something bothering the doctor, but she decided not to say anything and kept to herself.
Sakura let out a long sigh as she looked at her food, she had the mental image of Shinji thin and weak in his cell, the food seemed to have lost its taste when a person was starving and it seemed that no one cared.
Mari looked at her friend and spoke with a sympathetic smile on her face, she knew that Sakura was looking after Shinji, but she still didn't know about his real condition. "Hey Doc, how's our puppy?"
Sakura put down her cutlery and looked at Mari with a fierce gaze, making her regret having asked. Calming down enough, Sakura spoke sadly. "Badly, he lost more weight today, his tests show that his body is getting worse."
Mari put down her food and her face had a look of regret, Asuka felt uncomfortable, she didn't know Shinji's condition was so serious, but her heart wasn't ready to hear his next word.
Speaking with annoyance, Sakura dropped her cutlery and spoke in a strong but controlled voice. "He asked me to kill him."
Mari's eyes widened when she heard this, she couldn't believe that Shinji was so weak as to ask for this, even though she was already considering it.
"Idiot." Asuka growled as she looked down, not seeing the dangerous look Sakura threw her.
"Idiot?" Sakura was feeling her body being taken over by anger, losing her temper more easily, seeing how Asuka stared at her again.
Mari could see that the atmosphere was heating up quickly. She was looking for a solution as soon as possible to prevent a fight between the doctor and Asuka.
"Is it stupid that he wants to put you out of your misery?" Sakura said annoyed, she could see the look in Asuka's eyes getting annoyed, but her body was filled with adrenaline. "Are you that sadistic that you want him to suffer as much as possible?"
"Listen here, brat!" Asuka said as she pointed her fork at Sakura, she didn't like Sakura's tone.
"Guys." Mari said as she tried to lower the temperature of the table, raising her arms to appease her. "Calm people."
"Listen to what, huh?" Sakura retorted as she stared Asuka down. "Since when do you care about anything!?"
Asuka's eyes widened quickly as she saw Sakura's challenge, her mind still filled with images of Shinji suffering. "Do you think that's what I want for him!? Do you think I want him to suffer! This is his fault! Who told him to play the hero! ... Lieutenant!"
Sakura retorted, her voice rising a little. "I don't give a damn what you think, Captain! I don't care what you think, Captain! I only care about what you're doing to him now, Captain!" Sakura responded strongly as she emphasized Asuka's rank, right now she didn't care about insubordination.
Mari sat listening to everything, her mind reeling as she realized that the fight was imminent. Asuka was shocked by Sakura's outburst.
"You know what, I should put you out of your misery." Sakura said as she calmed down, her eyes stinging from what she had just said, and she could feel Mari and Asuka's eyes on her.
Mari was shocked by Sakura's revelation, she didn't know if she would go through with it, already looking for an alternative so that things wouldn't go to such an extreme with Shinji.
Asuka remained silent, feeling Sakura's words hit her hard, she was ready to intervene.
"I should." Sakura spoke as she sat down, her mind again bringing up images of Shinji in his despair, seeing how broken and destroyed he was the reality was that Sakura would never be able to kill Shinji, but another idea came into her mind. "It won't take long."
"What ... What do you mean?" Mari asked worriedly, Asuka standing right next to her.
"As things stand, I give it about a month before he..." Sakura spoke with a broken voice, as a solitary tear ran down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away, she could see Asuka and Mari's gaze on her, both had a look of, fear?
"And when your body fails." Sakura said as she became determined. "I won't bring it back." Sakura could see Mari and Asuka's eyes widening, which only strengthened her resolve. "He's suffered enough at your hands, he's not going to be the stress reliever for this shitty crew."
Mari was ready to intervene, but Sakura stood up abruptly and started to leave. She quickly turned her eyes to Asuka, seeing how her hands were shaking with anxiety at what had been said.
"Who does she think she is?" Asuka growled from her seat, Sakura's words hurting her, but knowing that she was thinking of cooperating in getting Shinji killed was taking its toll on her mind. "Who does he think he is? He can't just give up!"
Mari stood next to Asuka, her body feeling the effects of what she had said, but hearing it from Sakura was intense.
(*)
Shinji was in his cell again, he hadn't eaten, the portion of food was in the same place where Sakura had deposited it before, not a centimeter touched.
His eyes were focused on the ceiling of his cell, he no longer felt hungry, he only felt sad, Misato's cold gaze as she came face to face with him again had killed any thread of hope in his body.
The sound of his door opening echoed through his cell, he wanted to turn his eyes away, but he didn't have the strength.
Asuka was standing a few meters from the entrance to Shinji's room, she could see him lying there staring at the ceiling with a dead look on his face, Sakura's words echoing endlessly in his head, Asuka still didn't know why she was there, her body was just on automatic.
Holding her arm out in anxiety, the redhead began to walk slowly towards the cell, seeing how untouched the place was, but with every step she took, she could see more of Shinji's body.
Opening her eyes wide at the sight of him, how thin and malnourished he was, she felt her hands shaking at the sight, she wished she could open the door and do something, but only two people had the code, Sakura and Misato.
Placing her hand on the glass, Asuka looked at Shinji's face, how different he looked and how much he had changed in a short period of time. "Hey."
Without seeing Shinji's reaction, Asuka spoke up. "Hey brat." She frowned when she saw that Shinji's only movement was his breathing.
Shinji had heard Asuka's voice, knowing that it was her on the other side of the glass was only causing pain in his body, she was one of the people he held dearest and knowing that he was now hated was hurting him a lot.
Seeing that Shinji was only staring at the ceiling with a dead look on his face, Asuka felt her body shudder. "Baka Shinji? Please look at me."
Shinji recognized the nickname, knowing that Asuka wasn't going to give up, he just turned his head slowly towards the door, locking his eyes on Asuka's one visible eye, his vision was blurry, but he could see that it was her.
Asuka felt a shiver run through her body, the image of Shinji was disturbing, and soon her eyes fell on the untouched food. "Why don't you eat? I can tell you need it."
"I'm not hungry." Shinji whispered to Asuka, trying with all his might to sit up in the military bed, it wasn't comfortable, but he didn't care.
"Are you an idiot or what?" Asuka said, annoyed at the sight of Shinji's defeated form. "Do you want to die that badly?"
"It's the better." Shinji spoke calmly and regretfully, looking away from the floor.
"Better?" Asuka growled as she clenched her fists, seeing Shinji like this was hurting, deep down she had a fantasy of Shinji being condemned to serve in the Wunder with them, alongside her. "What's better? Explain it to me?"
"People don't have to deal with me anymore." Shinji whispered dejectedly as he got out of bed and sat down on the floor. "I only cause harm Asuka, who would care? People could get on with their lives, you, Misato and all."
Asuka clenched her fists tightly as she heard this, feeling her blood boil at what she was hearing, coupled with the fact that Sakura was already saying that she wouldn't bring Shinji back when his body failed.
"How do you think Misato would look?" Asuka appealed to Shinji's old feelings for his former guardian. "How do you think all the people who care about you would feel?"
"She doesn't care anymore." Shinji said dejectedly as he hugged his knees, feeling the weight of guilt flooding his body, Misato's look of disappointment when she found him again, Asuka's anger, everyone's gaze.
"Idiot!" Asuka shouted as she felt she was losing the battle, punching the glass with her fist, she saw that Shinji hadn't moved. "You don't understand! In this world we can't show empathy! Misato has to be like this to keep control!"
"One more reason." Shinji said as he raised his head, Asuka finally able to see all the sadness in his eyes and how swollen and dark they were. "She won't have to deal with me, she can go back to work without worrying about a burden like me ... No one would care."
"You don't know what it was like to spend those fourteen years!" Asuka shouted again, she remembered all the times she cried out for Shinji, Mari was always by her side, but it wasn't enough. "Do you think you're the only one who suffers!"
"No ... I don't think so." Shinji spoke again as he stared at Asuka. "You don't know what it's like, Asuka. You don't know what it's like to know that you're a monster, that you're a murderer, there's no world for me anymore."
"You don't know that!" Asuka pleaded as she saw Shinji's defeated look, she wanted to make him understand that when he died it would destroy any humanity that remained in Misato, it would destroy any possibility of happiness for Asuka.
"What's left for me then?" Shinji said as he raised his voice a little. "I'm already dead, what would my life be like? Locked up? Threatened at every wrong step? Looking at the shame in Misato's eyes, that's my fate somehow, my end will be death anyway."
"You idiot." Asuka said as she lowered her head, her bangs covering her red eyes that wanted to cry. "Do you think taking responsibility means calling yourself a monster and dying?"
"And it's not?" Shinji retorted. "I'm taking over, do you see me blaming someone else? Do you see me begging? I just want the same thing everyone else wants."
"Selfish!" Asuka shouted as she felt a tear run down her cheek, punching the glass once more. "You selfish bastard! You only think of yourself! What would your death do to Misato? What would your death do to me? Have you stopped to think about that?!"
Shinji raised his head as he saw Asuka's outburst, his mind hearing everything, but his depression was overcoming any other reason.
Asuka calmed down a little, but not enough to reduce her anger, looking Shinji in the eye. "You're not allowed to die! Try to eat or I swear I'll come in and shove your food down your throat! Do you understand?" Asuka spoke with annoyed eyes, she could see Shinji's eyes traveling from the tray of food to her eyes.
"And when you're judged, we'll give you some stupid use in here, and when your damn head is in order again we'll have a grown-up talk!" Asuka spoke strongly as she punched the glass again, but not before speaking as she turned around, her steps were dull and heavy, she spoke as she walked. "And God help you if you haven't eaten by the time I get back!"
Shinji only saw when Asuka closed the heavy metal door, again alone in his cell, he thought about it carefully, but his head only spoke of how he was in the way and useless, gathering what strength remained in his body, Shinji went back to bed, lying down and trying to sleep, but again he was attacked by his dreams.
Author's note: Hey guys, here I am again, did you miss me? So, that was the first chapter of Before Tomorrow, I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know in the comments, I love reading them (good or bad) and these reviews are very important to me.
Many of you are probably wondering, where's the LOOP? Calm down, it'll come in the next chapter, I said that the period after 3.33 was short, I just didn't want it to be like the others, Shinji is somewhere alone, Ayanami appears and "plim" happens, I wanted to show something a little different.
But seriously, I really hope you enjoyed it, and to answer your questions, why again in the Rebuild universe? Simple, I always see a lot of LOOP stories that take place after the NGE, but few that explore the Rebuild universe, so I wanted to do something different.
As always, be sure to follow it and save it to your favorites so you don't miss any future updates and re-read it later when you miss it.
Please review, your criticisms (good or bad) are very important to me, you know that I take what is said very seriously and it also gives me the strength to continue.
Don't forget to also like the Facebook page, search for "Calborghete" and find an image of Shinji and Asuka, on this page I will post updates and it will also be easier for you to contact me.