Mr. Kobayashi's Dragon Maid, Abridged
Author's note: With the release of Chapter 7, as a follow up I thought it'd be nice to celebrate the release by bringing back the abridgening. As 7sky had guessed in their review almost 4 years ago, I'd planned to do this kind of thing every 4th chapter to give a sort of break in between. With Chapter 7 and this one now done, it's time to start formulating ideas for Chapter 9. Stay tuned, everyone.
Something that no one is going to read: Parody of a parody of Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid. Is anyone even still following this story...? Whatever. We here at the desk of B1tt3rb33f LLC don't own the rights to the anime/manga series that was created by coolkyoushinjya. Three quarters of us aren't even from Earth. Or four-fifths if you count the little guy. Night does, but that's debatable because she shares a psychic link with, and wears him/it as a mask. So, she's probably biased.
Disclaimer:
.
cheese.
.
Cover art done by b4tt3rb1ff (because it's obviously so hilarious to misspell his name as if anybody finds it funny)
Written by Jordon (because Night went missing)
(Wait, how do I do this-)
Chapter 8: A Long Awaited Sequel That No One Asked For,
or
MKDR Abridged, Chapter 2: The Abridgening Part 2 Electric-Everybody-And-Their-Dog-Has-Made-This-Same-Overdone-Boogaloo-Joke
Need a recap? No you don't, you just reread the whole story up to this point.
...
Okay, so anyway I got sick for some reason between chapters 3 and 5. Probably because of the abhorrence that was chapter 4, the Abridgening Pt. 1 which was a clear fuckin rip-off of series like TerminalMontage's "Something About" series or VivaReverie's "But Really Really Fast" series. Apparently this is the kind of humor that my writer finds funny in the 2020's, and most likely won't be funny anymore in a decade or two whenever he comes back to "reminisce" on the time that it took his lazy ass 2 years to write a stupid chapter for an online story that no one except for 20,000+ people read and holy shit guys, that's actually a lot of fuckin' people, I appreciate you guys a lot for caring about something so insignificant that I put out into the world. Er, I mean... that my writer put out into the world.
Uhhh...
I mean...
Look at the funny characters doing funny things...!
Seiji - I'm sick with norovirus.
Tohru - At least it's not [REDACTED]virus, right? Ehehe, that's a joke that people from 2020 will get.
Seiji - Wait, why did I get norovirus anyway? What does it have to do with anything?
Because... uhhh... I needed to make the chapter pun...? And tie it to the fact that Tohru was jealous of you and Maori...?
...
And the fact that NV stood for norovirus...?
Tohru - What's a noro...?
Seiji - Hey, norovirus is a thing that headcanonically exists in your world, right Tohru?
Tohru - That's...
...
Tohru - ... sorry, what's a noro again...?
.
Anyway, Seiji recalls what happened a few days ago at the izakaya when Tohru got jealous of him and Maori being coworkers of the opposite sex. Tohru blows Seiji in the booth, Maori fingers herself outside while listening to the cunnilingus going on inside, yadda yadda, normal shit that happens every day.
CUE SCENE!
Seiji - Alright Tohru Kiene or whatever the writer named you! Blow me!
Tohru blows Seiji.
Seiji - FANtastic!
Cut to Maori at home, who is sick and suffering from sickness because Seiji being sick made her sick and he wasn't fully done being sick. Now Maori is sick.
And I'm sick of writing the word "sick" over and over.
It's not funny.
Oh, did I mention that Maori was sick?
Right, now what's next on the agenda?
Ah yes. Breakfast. Also, Tohru's horny! I didn't know that dragons could be in heat!
THE MORE YOU KNOW
Market day? Yes. Market day. Tohru does a thing and stops a robber. However, unlike the manga, people don't cheer for her. People are normal people, and as such they have normal reactions and are understandably shocked at what they saw. Tohru is obviously not human.
Seiji - skibidi rizz.
.
.
.
Seiji.
If you EVERsay that again.
I.
Will write you.
Out.
Of existence.
Tohru - L-l-let's just go b-back home and have s-sex, M-Mr. Kobayashi... b-before B33f-san h-h-harms you...
Seiji - sk
ANYWAY the two go home and have some pretty hardcore almost-sex. Seiji questions what he's done.
Oh god.
Did he take advantage of poor Tohru just because she had trouble controlling her hormones? Was it even considered consensual at that point...?
Yikes. That one hit a little too close to home, wouldn't you agree, Seiji?
What do we have in store for Chapter 7, I.e. the chapter that TOOK OVER 2 FUCKING YEARS TO RELEASE?
...
ahem.
anyway
that was a weird dream.
soooooooooo, Kanna's here, everyone!
Kanna - I'm mild mannered Kanna, lemme just-
proceeds to attack Seiji as soon as she sets foot through his door.
Tohru - how dare you cheat on me.
Seiji - Hey look it's Kanna Kamui. I have no canonical knowledge at this point of her last name. (God this script makes no sense...)
Tohru - Kanna.
S - Kanna.
T - Kanna kanna.
s - kannakannakanna
K - kannakannakannakanna
da wey. da wey. da wey.
Kanna - I don't trust you. Also I was banished, and I need your keys Tohru.
Tohru - no
K - k
k.
(that wasn't a 'clan' joke but now that I've acknowledged it there's no escape from the backlash now. I've dug myself this grave already so now I suppose I'll lie in it.)
.
cheese.
Bekfast time happens.
uH oH tOhRu fOlLoWs KoBaYaShI iNtO tHe bAtHrOoM
confronTATION uh OH
ok im done
Reprimanding Pt.2
tohru - you're still doing everything wrong
butt3r - ok
/=To Be Continued=|\\||/ゴゴゴ
Chapter 9 will happen.
Just hope it doesn't take 2 years to write...