The train roared on the tracks, as the crowd of students said their final goodbyes before scrambling on. Shouldering my way through the crowd of giggling students, I kept my head down and my eyes on the ground as I approached the howling train. Students looked past me as if I wasn't there as I stepped onto the train. The massive weight resting on my shoulders fell away, and finally, I felt like I was breathing freely.

It was unlikely that anyone would recognize my natural face but there was always a chance to be seen by someone my family mingled with closely. So even though I was nearly positive the train was safe I still rushed toward the back of the train where I would 'put on my face'. My repertoire of faces courtesy of my father's genetics.

As I walked further down the train, conversation faded, and the compartments emptied slowly until I found one I could occupy alone. Sliding into the plush seat, I let out the breath I had been holding and relaxed.

Outside the window, buildings passed by in a blur, and slowly, they were replaced with stretches of farmland. The sky faded into an inky black melded with that of the day, with hues of pink and orange painting the sky as the sun set, disappearing over the horizon. I sat against the velvet seat and relaxed as the train went. The full moon peeked high in the sky, and knowing it was now or next month, I pulled my bag up from the floor and rummaged through the pockets until I found the small vial I had smuggled from my father's potions stores.

The bold black lettering read, Mandrake Leaves. The vial was sealed tightly with an old cork. When the vial was uncapped a strong smell filled the compartment that I couldn't put my finger on. It was leafy and earthy yet a scent of something foul lingered in the air. I placed the brown dried leaf into my mouth and pressed it against my cheek. Almost instantly I cringed as the bitter flavor filled my mouth. It was truly awful, but it had to be done if I wished to be an animagus like my gran. Almost like expired milk mixed with fire whiskey and dirt, the bitter and sour taste caused me to salivate, filling my mouth even more so with the disgusting lingering taste. I gagged as the leaf slipped to the back of my throat.

I coughed it out violently, pounding on my chest to clear my lungs, "Fucking hell."

Not even a minute in, and the damn leaf was wasted. Sighing heavily, I tossed the leaf in my bag so I could toss it without anyone knowing and slipped another against my cheek. This time, prepared for the bitter taste, I closed my mouth and pressed it to my cheek to seal it there.

I thought back to my gran sitting in her old rocker, holding my hand in hers, smiling.

"I used to turn into a little fox," she giggled, rocking in her chair.

"Really?" I asked, astonished, "How?"

Her eyes twinkled, "I'm an animagus darling. I may be too old to change now, but I still feel my sleepy little fox inside my heart."

I was filled with wonder, "When did you do it?"

My gran looked around carefully, checking to see if anyone would overhear, "At Hogwarts," she held up a finger to her lips and shushed me, "I stole the leaves from my grandad."

She looked so proud of herself then. She was smiling and squeezing my hand tightly.

"What kind of fox are you?"

"A red fox. Fast as hell and sneaky," She winked at me, her wrinkled skin glowing against the fire highlighted by her joy.

"I want to be an animagus too…"

She looked at me carefully, her eyes narrowing as she took in my hopeful expression, "Do you?"

I nodded vigorously, "Yes. I- I want to be more tha- than just this…" I waved my free hand down at myself and frowned.

She looked at me sadly and nodded, "It takes a lot of work. Dedication and even pain to make the transformation possible… and things can still go wrong…"

Her words struck deep but my determination outshined the risks I knew were possible, "I'll do whatever it takes, Gran…"

Knocking sounded at the compartment door, freeing me from the depth of my memory. On the other side, the trolly woman stood smiling as I shoved the leaves back into my bag.

"Anything off the trolly dear?"

I shook my head and gave her a small smile.

"Alright, dear. We'll be arriving shortly. Better be dressed into your robes soon."

I looked down at my torn trousers and worn-out jumper, they were my favorite. The best thing to wear on a long train ride is something comfortable and breezy.

I locked the compartment as she stepped away and drew the shades before pulling off my muggle clothes. The body I would hide myself in for the year completely differed from my reality. My abilities hid my soft stomach, jiggling thighs, and every scar that marred my once-smooth skin. Even though I hated myself, I didn't change much, only enough to make it bearable because the drain on my magic would be too heavy if my entire self was morphed into perfection.

The changes were only enough so I could look in the mirror in the morning and not feel as if everyone would stare at me as I walked the corridors. Using the magic, even though I was born with it, took its toll, but it was harder to go without. Harder to hear the whispers, see the heads turning, and even feel their eyes trailing down my body.

I shook the thoughts from my mind and pulled on my school uniform. The skirt fit much the same as it always did, slightly too tight and barely long enough. I pulled the rest of my clothes on and tightly held my robes around myself, ensuring I was covered.

There was a squeezing in my chest and a sudden need to bury myself in blankets and never see the light of day again, but that wasn't an option.

I've always been afraid.

I've always been scared of something, spiders, the dark, people, being alone. Now that I've grown, I'm only scared of spiders and people.

Infinitely scared of what people think of me, of crowded places where people gather, when people yell, and of the strangers that linger with their judging eyes.

Shoving everything into my bag was harder this time around because I was also trying to shove in my anxiety and all the troubling feelings. Trying to lock it in my bag with my muggle clothing.

It didn't work. It never worked. My anxiety clung to me like a second skin that refused to be skinned away.

Disappointed and dangerously fueled by unremovable anxieties, I used the reflection from the window to comb the long boring brown hair I had chosen. The dark color was meant to help me blend into my robes. Analyzing my face, I adjusted my features until I looked as average as the next witch. The only thing I wish I could hide were my eyes.

No matter how hard I tried, they were the only part of my body I could not change. I was stuck with them. Naturally, they were a soft, mossy green, but they flared with strong emotions I could not hide. Ranging from deep green to a sparkling light green. My father told me it was common to have something we couldn't control. He couldn't hide a birthmark on his wrist and a smaller one under his left ear. After all, nothing was perfect, but damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to hide them and truly be someone new. I twitched my nose, making it slightly smaller, and then secured the green and silver Slytherin tie around my neck.

As I patted my skirt down, adjusting it around my new figure I could feel the train beginning to slow. Peering out the window and along the tracks, I could see the Black Lake and the school grounds looming ahead. Panic lit in my chest, squeezing and stealing my breath away as I rushed to pack my bag and beat the eager students off the train.

I murmured a silent spell over my black leather bag with my wand. It should keep nosy students out of my things, disguising it as a ratty-looking bag, an undertone to my spell should also keep the professors from peering any closer and discovering my secrets.

Students laughed in their compartments as they began to move into the hall, but thankfully, I was still alone at the end of the train. Moving quickly and quietly, I trotted toward the front of the train, where it would be easier to make my escape.

This year, it would be the carriages that would whisk me away to the castle. I hurried as fast as I dared, planning to beg Hagrid for a solo ride. The train slowed further and lurched to a sudden stop. The jerking motion shook the train. I flew forward, landing painfully on my hands and knees.

"Oi! Are you alright?"

Pain radiated through my arms, and tears burned in my eyes as a boy I had never seen before jogged toward me. He kneeled beside me, looping his arms around my middle before lifting me off the floor taking most of my weight against his chest.

"Shit, that looked like a painful tumble, darling. Are you alright?"

I shook my head wincing as I attempted to move my sore wrists. He cooed softly as he held me with strong hands that encircled my waist holding me close to his chest. His hand rubbed soothing circles up and down my arms until my tears stopped.

When my senses came back to me my eyes darted toward his face and became ensnared in his deep blue eyes. They swirled like the sea and sparkled with flecks of green and gold in their depths.

He smiled down at me, his face surrounded by short dark locks, "Feeling alright, love?"

I nodded, lost for words as fear began to creep into my stomach.

Shrinking back from his hold, I felt blood rush toward my face. Embarrassment fueled me as I began to panic.

"Hey, now. You've hurt yourself. Let me help you," He grasped me by the elbow trying to keep me from hurting myself further.

"I'm alright," I whispered as my gaze darted to his chest, taking in his house colors.

Slytherin.

He grinned, wide and possibly sparkling, "I guess I'll be seeing you around," he winked cheekily before leaving me to my humiliation.

Fixing my robes and checking for my wand, I tried to shake myself of the feeling that slithered through my body, to no avail. He had put me on edge, but strangely, I didn't feel scared.

The sound of other students and the closing of compartment doors shifted me into gear. Moving swiftly, I shoved my long, ashy hair over my shoulder and froze.

I stared down at my hands, and sure as fuck, between my fingers was long blonde hair. Looking down at my body, I saw my natural curves and size not quite fitting into my school robes.

I sucked in a breath and ran for the door, darting between first-year students until I was lost in the crowd, nearly hyperventilating as I worked the magic through my blood and changed myself slowly into what it had been before.

My skin and features slowly shifted and moved until they settled into my second face again. I ducked down and recolored my hair a deep brown before patting myself down to make sure I was presenting precisely as who I wanted to be.

Relaxing slightly, I slowed my pace as the fifth-year students pushed in around me, carrying me toward the carriages. They grouped off with their friends and boarded together. The anxious feeling in my chest lessened until it was a dull ache nibbling at the edges of my mind. A few carriages remained, and I rushed to enter the last one, but before I could close myself inside alone with my thoughts and aching wrists, the door was yanked open by Draco Malfoy.

Draco grinned up at me with a stunning smile of brilliant white teeth, "Thank fucking hell you're not a Gryffindor," he shoved his way inside, followed by three other Slytherins, and unfortunately, followed the boy who had helped me on the train before he slammed the door.

One of them, a boy with dark curls and a jagged scar on his cheek, "Shit, Draco, I thought we were going to have to walk."

The boy with dark skin and hair laughed, "We would have had plenty of time if you hadn't socked that Hufflepuff in the face for bumping into you."

They prattled on as the carriage rode, happy to ignore me, but I listened and discovered that the boy with the curly dark hair and the devious scar on his face was Mattheo.

The darker-skinned boy with short-cropped hair and cold dead eyes was Blaise Zabini. I really should have recognized him; he was all the common room ever talked about during quidditch season, but in my defense, I had never been close enough to see him.

A light silvery smoke filled the inside of the carriage as I observed them. Looking around, I noticed the quiet one sitting beside me had lit a cigarette.

Raising his brow at me, he held it between two long fingers, "Want a drag?"

I shook my head and continued to study him.

His long hair fell across his forehead, and his cheeks hollowed with each drag of the menthol tobacco, filling the small space with its spicy smell.

"Hand it here, Theo," Mattheo swiped at his friend.

"Get your own," he growled low.

Mattheo paused, "You'd offer her a drag but not your best friend?"

Theo laughed, holding the cigarette out of reach, "Best friend? In your dreams, mate."

The lovely boy who helped me on the train laughed, "We all know I'm Theo's best friend," he reached for the cigarette, hopeful, with a bright grin.

Theo snorted, leaning away from them and into my space to get away from him, "You're only using me. I have no friends."

I couldn't help the little laugh that escaped. They were acting like first years.

Their eyes landed on me, and I froze in my seat.

Draco eyed me up and down, "What's your name?"

Pushing the Mandrake leaf closer to my cheek, I spoke carefully and softly and did something I hadn't done in years.

I told him the truth, "Fey."

"How come we've never met you? What year are you?"

I shrugged, looking away from him as he continued to stare at me, "Fifth year."

Mattheo frowned and watched me deep in thought, "Really? Same year as us, and we've never seen you? That's fucking weird."

"Different classes," I suggested as their questioning eyes made me uncomfortable. I felt seen and exposed under their gazes.

The carriage stopped, offering me my chance at freedom. I opened the door and let myself out. I knew they followed behind me, but I moved quickly to the castle trying to draw as little attention as possible. The chilly air blew through my robes and settled in my bones before I could follow the rest of the students.

Professors guided everyone into the great hall, forcing me to sit with the other Slytherins. Picking a seat at the end of the table closest to the door, I felt better knowing I could leave as soon as it all was over, maybe sooner if the perfect distraction came about.

The great hall filled to bursting, and moments later, Dumbledore stood with his wand pressed to his neck and bellowed across the hall for silence.

"Thank you," he stood tall, "Now I beg your attention as I have a few announcements for the start of term."

I focused on Dumbledore, taking in his words as he droned on about banned items. Students laughed and clapped as Fred and George cheered and clapped for themselves, taking it as a personal achievement to cause Filch mental anguish.

"I wish those two blood traitors would pipe down…"

I froze as the familiar voice washed over me, and a warm body slid into the space on the bench beside me.

"Those prats wouldn't know how to shut up if their lives depended on it," Mattheo grinned, his eyes sliding over me. His body brushed against mine as he made room for the rest of his friends.

"We also have two new staffing changes this year. With Professor Hagrid out on leave… Professor Grubby-Plank will be your new Care of Magical Creatures instructor, and Professor Umbridge…. has kindly offered to step in and fill the role of Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor…"

Dumbledore was cut off when a little round woman in god-awful pink clothes stood and approached him smiling. She walked slowly with her hands crossed in front of her. She whispered to Dumbledore before turning to face the room, grinning even more than before.

"I am here at the Ministry of Magic's bequest under educational decree twenty-two. This means that your Headmaster was not able to fill the position of your Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, so they were able to appoint me," she giggled, "Education has always been taken very seriously at the Ministry, and the passing down of this most noble art, lest it be lost forever, requires no tinkering."

Another giggle.

"A balance must be attained. The new and the old. Permanence and change. Tradition and innovation. Order and chaos."

Giggle.

The woman was starting to creep me out. Looking at the boys around me, I could see they were feeling the same way. Their faces were a mix of disgust and revulsion that deepened as she spoke.

Umbridge continued speaking with her twisted sweetness, "Please know these changes are for the best. To prevent the destruction of our youth and society as we know it from decay, Thank you," She turned on her heel and sat silently at the teacher's table.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and began the feast with a wave of his hand and a forced smile. Food appeared in the blink of an eye and filled the hall with sights, smells, and sounds of excitement.

There was silence on their end of the table as I watched the gaggle of handsome boys fill their plates and stuff their faces. I placed food on my plate and strategically cut and moved it around as the conversation picked up.

"Fey, you never told us why we haven't seen you around before. Outside classes," Lorenzo mentioned off-handedly as he sipped his juice.

I shrugged and set my fork down, "I read a lot."

I could feel their eyes on me. Taking in my closed-off expression and my lack of explanation. They were observing me, and it was setting me on edge.

What could they possibly be thinking?

"Book nerd, are you?" Blaise asked, a teasing tone to his voice.

I shrugged again and moved my mashed potatoes around my plate. They seemed to share a look around me that I couldn't place. Their eyes connected, and in a split second, the conversation changed to no longer involve me.

I let out a silent breath of relief. I was thankful that I no longer held their attention and also disappointed that I was no longer a part of their focus. Out of the corner of my eye, I settled on Lorenzo. He was laughing at something Theo had said, and my pulse picked up under my skin. I desperately wanted to say thank you, but that would be confusing. I was different now. He had seen me as I was naturally.

Fat, scarred, afraid, and crying.

Students around the hall started to flitter off one by one to their common rooms. Taking my chance to escape, I pushed my plate away and slipped from under the table. It seemed like all eyes were on me as I walked out of the room, even though I knew it wasn't possible. It was only in my head. There was no way that anyone would be focused on me.

Still, I walked faster until I was safely in the corridor, away from the hundreds of eyes. My feet carried me on memory down to the dankest part of the castle, the dungeons. The corridors grew darker and smaller until I finally stepped in front of the seemingly uninteresting stone wall.

I pulled out my wand and tapped the wall firmly three times, whispering, "Pure blood."

Before my eyes, the stone snake in the floor slithered to life and moved across the wall, raising its body in an arch to reveal an ornate wooden door. I grasped the cool silver handle and pulled the door open. I was hit with the warm scent of cinnamon and firewood as I descended the steps into the common room. The lights dimmed by the lanterns hanging from the ceiling. The common room was covered in shadows and warm light.

A few students hung about, chatting occasionally, but I moved swiftly toward the witches' dorms. I descended the stairs to the third level for the fifth years and practically threw open the door.

The dorm was the same as every year—a large octagonal room with five smaller rooms inside for privacy. My room was directly in the middle of the other four, and the seemingly small door revealed a magically enlarged room big enough for a four-poster bed, a dresser, a closet, and anything else I wished to store.

Noting my bags had arrived, I dived into them pulling out my clothes before readying for bed. My magic fell away as I stripped down to my knickers and dressed in an oversized shirt that had been worn thin from years of use.

Falling into bed, I felt the knot in my back painfully release, and the sobs built in my chest, "Shit," I muttered to myself.

I'm crying already, and it's only the first night.