[A/N] This chapter is dedicated to calliesitorres. Thank you for your patience, kind words and encouragement.
Chapter 12
Derek, Meredith and Cristina were at their preferred lunch table in the outside seating area of the cafeteria when Arizona and Richard came to sit with them. The group of surgeons liked to hog this particular table because it was big enough to accommodate their group and was behind some tall plant dividers, which gave them a modicum of privacy against the hustle and bustle of the lunch crowd.
"What's up with you?" Cristina bluntly asked, noticing the mildly irritated look on Arizona's face. While the cardio surgeon knew that Arizona was no longer as perky and sunshine-y as she was before the plane crash, it was still a norm to see the blonde surgeon with a pleasant expression, rather than this sour look she was currently sporting.
Arizona just shrugged, not wanting to explain that she was feeling rather salty after being called to HR this morning. She was told that there wasn't any formal complaint that was raised against her, but they still needed to cover their bases to make sure that all pertinent information were relayed to them in case of future disputes coming from whichever party, internal or external.
On top of that, Arizona was getting increasingly irritated that Richard had been in her ear with his gripes about Callie after briefly telling him about her chat with HR. It seemed her friend took that as an opening for him to list all the ways that Callie Torres was apparently a horrible person.
Arizona didn't need to verbally answer Cristina's question because Richard was more than willing to speak for her.
"Callie Torres, that's what. Or who," Richard sniped. "She's mean."
Cristina snorted at that, "What are you, five? Calling someone 'mean', really? You could at least attempt to be more articulate than that." She heard about the confrontation between the former Chief and Callie but didn't know what they talked about. She held a lot of respect for Richard, but she knew that the man wasn't infallible. And while she was still unsuccessful in talking to the Ortho surgeon since her return, Callie was her friend.
Before Richard or anyone else could speak, they were distracted by a group of hospital staff who sat two tables away. The group was rather loud. Arizona counted that there were at least seven of them.
"Hey, are those coffee and pastries from Dr. Torres again?" asked one of the male nurses that Arizona knew worked in General.
This piqued the interest of the surgeons.
"Yes, Dan. She brought these for the Ortho staff and for her surgical team today."
Arizona recognized the one who answered as Nurse Chloe, who was a middle-aged Ortho scrub nurse that Callie frequently worked with before.
"Didn't she also order dinner for the team last week?" someone else spoke. "Not the cheap kind too! From that popular Italian restaurant, a couple of blocks from here. I heard it from Jay in rad tech."
Nurse Chloe responded, "Yes, she did. Last week, she said it was because her surgeries were running late and didn't want the team to have to worry about finding proper dinner since the cafeteria was already closed by that time. And for the coffee and pastries today, Steve said Dr. Torres tried this small café down the block and liked their products, so she decided to order in bulk. Wiped out everything in their display case, probably, with how much she ordered. Even those in second shift would get their share."
"Lucky you," commented someone else. "I mean, I guess it's not a big deal on her salary, but it's still nice of her to do that."
The rest of the group murmured their agreement.
"Has she always been like this?" asked Dan, looking towards Nurse Chloe. "Dr. Torres, I mean. I haven't worked with her yet; I started here when she already left."
"You mean the dinner and coffee and pastries? No, not really. I actually thought Dr. Torres was destitute since she lived in the basement of the hospital when she was a resident." This was received by surprise by some of the group, while the others sniggered.
Just then, two more people came to sit with them. One familiar face to Arizona was Nurse Linda, who was a senior Ortho nurse that Callie introduced her to back when they were still dating.
Nurse Linda added her two cents, "But being nice to the staff? Yes, she has always been. She's the kind who buys expensive gifts and plays games during baby showers of many of our nurses. Always treated non-attendings with respect and kindness, unlike some others. Though she was a bit… maybe brash back when she was a resident. Not everyone's cup of tea, to be honest."
"Yeah, like Karev," an older nurse said. "I still remember his early days. We were in the ER and I asked him if he was sure of his diagnosis because he didn't even do any of the standard tests! Told me to spend four years in med school and let him know if it's the right diagnosis. Kept saying he hated nurses, then insulted Dr. Grey by equating her to a nurse when she told him the patient could be splinting or have pulmonary embolism. As if being a nurse was below him."
"Well, at least he's gotten better since then huh?"
"Thank goodness for Dr. Robbins. His attitude finally improved. Still abrasive at most times, but nothing as bad as he was back then. Much tolerable now. He really owes her a lot."
Arizona felt a little elated that improvement in Karev's attitude was attributed to her. But she didn't want to dwell too much on it as she still had some unresolved issues towards the man.
"Anyway, back to Dr. Torres," Dan insisted. "So what else is different now?"
"Oooohhh! She dresses a whole lot upscale than she did before!"
"Oh yeah. It's like having another Addison Montgomery around, what with the outfits that probably cost more than my rent. Though Dr. Torres leans towards coordinates than the dresses that Dr. Montgomery favored. Still looks expensive though, even those that are on the side of casual." There was a bit of a pause. "Everything about Dr. Torres now screams posh. In a subtle way, but still."
Nurse Chloe gave her opinion, "Well outwardly that's one drastic change. But she's also… Hmm… How do I explain it? She was the epitome of warmth before. Big smiles, eyes alight. Laughs with her whole body. She talks quite a lot too. But now…"
"Frigid?" asked Dan.
It was Nurse Linda's turn to clarify, "Well, not quite the word I would use because she still smiles, but not as big. She still talks to the staff and to her patients well, just not in the same level of familiarity like before. She used to freely and regularly chat with us in the Ortho floor. But since she came back, she'd be polite and greet us when she comes in or whenever she's around the nurse's station. But other than small chitchats, she spends her time mostly locked inside her office or in her lab. The most time she's spent with others is with Steve. You would have thought she'd be catching up with her surgeon-friends when she came back, right?"
"So you mean, she's aloof?"
"Reserved?"
"Guarded?"
Nurse Chloe concurred, "Yeah, I think guarded is the right term. It wasn't like that before. I mean, I'm not in her inner circle of friends but even I knew that she wore her heart on her sleeve back then. You'd certainly know if she was going through something. But now, I dunno… Her big personality just seemed a lot toned down."
"Hey. If you are all talking about her positively, how come I heard that she had a blow up with Dr. Webber?"
"Ha!" Nurse Linda loudly exclaimed. She looked around, slightly ashamed of her outburst. "He probably didn't know the rules of Dr. Torres."
"Rules?"
Nurse Chloe explained, "Oh I heard about those rules. First is she doesn't like to be yelled at. From what I've been told by one in her surgical team, she asked them not to yell at her in anger. If it's emergency or related to patient care, sure. But if it's something that can be discussed when emotions aren't running too high anymore, then better to defer talking to her."
"Ohhh… And Dr. Webber was yelling at her down the hallway."
"Correct," Nurse Linda said. "That must have triggered her reaction. But from what others have been saying, she didn't even raise her voice at him. So I guess that's that from her end. Her other rule to us though is to never lie. She said, directly to me, that she doesn't care if what we say might hurt her feelings. She'd rather have the truth shoved to her face than be lied to. Her exact phrasing, not mine! She said the same thing to our department head, even. That's how serious she is about that!"
Arizona took note, because it was something that Steve also said. Miss Callie doesn't suffer liars lightly. She wondered what caused Callie to have these two very specific rules. Then, an unwelcome thought passed through her mind – Is it because of me?
The group switched topics soon after that, and it was now the surgeons' turn to digest everything they had heard.
Their silence was broken by Cristina muttering, "So, Dr. Webber… What, exactly, did you yell at Callie anyway?"
Callie was busy with paperwork when she heard her phone ring. She looked at the screen and answered, "Hey, Dad! Is everything okay?"
"Of course, Calliope. Can't I call my mija just because I miss hearing your voice?" Carlos sounded amused.
"It's not that. You usually call me over the weekend," Callie explained. Her father had taken to calling her at least once a week, typically on Sunday mornings just like they used to before. That tradition had fallen by the wayside when life got difficult, but her father had started doing it again when she left Miami for Mass Gen.
"Well, I decided to call you earlier because I know Henry's coming home to you tonight. I'm sure he missed you, so I don't want to disturb the two of you over the weekend. Young couples like you should devote their time to each other as much as possible."
Callie let out a light laugh at that, "We're not exactly young, Dad. You seem to forget that your mija is already past 30."
"Ah, that's still young, Calliope. You have the rest of your life in front of you," Carlos insisted. "Anyway. I just wanted to check on how you are over there. Everything good?" He called last week, but they didn't get to have a lengthy conversation because his daughter was busy setting up the condo. He could sense how stressed Callie was to make sure that everything is in place for Henry's arrival.
"Yeah, everything's fine," Callie assured. "The condo looks great. I'm hoping no emergency surgery comes in for me later; I want to go home early and cook before Henry arrives."
Carlos smiled at his daughter's thoughtfulness towards her partner. "He would definitely appreciate that. Your cooking has gotten better and better over time. What time is he arriving, anyway?"
"Thanks, Dad. Spending a lot of time in the kitchen with your new cook played a big part in that." While Callie was still staying in his father's house, she had taken to filling up her time with a lot of different activities, one of them being cooking. She even got some handy experience in baking now. Keeping busy helped her push down all thoughts and emotions that were still hounding her at the time. "And his flight would arrive here around nine o'clock, barring any delays."
"Good, good. So, how's work?"
"Work's been fine. Busy. And probably will get busier ahead. I'm still trying to find my rhythm juggling my clinical trial, lab work and surgeries."
Carlos sighed, "I still don't understand why you had to move back to Seattle. You could have stayed here in Miami, surrounded by family. Even Boston and New York are nearer. You're practically on the other side of the country from us."
"Dad," Callie tried to soothe, "I've explained this before... I know I could have stayed in Mass Gen or moved to New York for Henry. But when Owen took me to the Veteran Rehab Center and introduced me to an Army Ranger who lost his leg, I figured out the direction I wanted to take my life's work. I wanted to help these amputees, these men and women who lost their limb in service to our country. I'm calling it the Wounded Warriors Project.
"I chose to work in Seattle because the rehab center here is one of, if not the biggest, center in the country there is for veterans. And in my initial assessment, there are plenty of good candidates here that could pass the criteria for my project. It's the reason why the military is even considering funding the whole thing. Aside from that, Grey Sloan is giving me a lot of leeway when it comes to scheduling and choosing what I work on. The other offers I considered wouldn't be able to grant that much.
Callie paused to give her father a chance to fully understand her reasons. "And Owen, he is one big reason for my move to Seattle too. I've invited him to this project. I saw how much it meant to him; to give even a small chance, a small flicker of hope to that guy we talked to.
"He once told me that the war made him dark and that darkness is still in him. He thought he could beat it back by doing something good in his life. And this project… This just might be the thing for him, Dad. I owe Owen my life. The least I could do is this.
"It's not permanent anyway. Maybe I'll spend a couple of years here, finish out my contract at the hospital, hand over the reigns of the project to Owen eventually, and move on to another adventure."
Carlos interrupted, "I hope you discussed this with Henry; it's the considerate thing to do, mija."
"I talked this over with Henry, and he supports my decision," Callie answered. "We're just lucky enough that his company also has a modestly-sized footing here, so him staying here with me wouldn't be too much of an issue. And if after my contract with Grey Sloan is up and we're still together, then who knows? Maybe we'll stay here; maybe we'll move to New York, closer to their company's US headquarters there.
"But this. This I need to do. I hope you understand that, Dad."
Carlos could not contest the logic behind his daughter's reasoning. And the part about owing Owen her life? Well, how could he disagree with that? "Okay, mija. I understand why you chose Seattle. But have you thought about putting up your own practice instead? Build your own orthopedic center. Put in a lab. Your mother and I talked about this, and we really don't like that you're back in that hospital. That hospital is bad news."
What he wouldn't outright say to his daughter was his concern of her being around Arizona again. He was not quite sure though, even to himself, if his concern was that Callie would be continually angry and agitated being around someone who treated her horribly in the past, or that his daughter would inevitably be drawn back to Arizona.
He liked Henry; he was an absolute prince to his princesa. But he was of the opinion that there was no definite closure between his daughter and his former daughter-in-law. Her daughter just up and left, for Christ's sake!
"Setting up private practice takes time and dedication, Dad. Honestly, I don't think I'm at the point in my career that I want to branch out on my own. The admin side of managing that would be a headache. I'm really focused on my research at this point. Maybe in the future, when it's time for me to take more control of my time. Besides, even if I wanted to, which at this point I really don't, I haven't got the funds for that."
"Your trust fund is more than adequate to fund at least a mid-sized center, Calliope, and you know it," Carlos asserted.
Callie gritted her teeth. She had this conversation with her father several times already before she made her move to Seattle. But this is the first time her father touched the financial aspect. "If I ever set up my own practice in the future, I want it to come from my own money and hard work, Dad."
"And again. You have your trust fund! That's your own money."
"Is it?" Callie contemptuously responded. "Won't you take it away when I do something you consider a sin again? When I inevitably disappoint you and mom, again?" Her breath hitched. She hadn't intended for that to come out. As much practice as she had in controlling her emotions and words, her armor still had some chinks on it that if pressed, still caused her to react, to lash out.
When her father also didn't say anything from his end, she broke the silence. "Dad, I'm sorry. That was out of line; I shouldn't have said that."
From his end, Carlos didn't know what to say. The two of them had mended their relationship completely, he was so sure of that. But now, he was not so certain anymore. "But you meant it." And when there was no answer forthcoming from his daughter, he knew he was right. "Calliope… I would never do something like that again, I promise you. I learned my lesson. It was wrong of me. And I am truly sorry for hurting you, mija."
"I know that, Dad. You don't have to keep apologizing for that anymore. We're past that."
"Are you sure?" Carlos challenged. Maybe it would be best to talk about this in person. But he couldn't let his daughter shy away from this discussion, no matter how possibly painful it could be for both of them. Callie once told him that she insisted on full honesty from Henry before she even considered seriously dating him, and she vowed to do her best to do the same in all her important relationships. He was counting on that now.
Callie was incredulous. "Dad, I love you. You know that, right? We've gone over this before…"
"Yes, I know you love me. But do you trust me?"
"What? You're my father; of course, I do!"
"Really?" Carlos asked. "Do you trust that I won't walk away from you ever again? That no matter what sin, what disappointment you think you've committed, that I would remain here, steadfast in your corner?" He waited for Callie's answer.
Callie was flustered. She didn't want to have this discussion with her father. In fact, she didn't even want to discuss this within herself! Because she knew. She knew the answer. But she didn't want to hurt her father's feelings. "Dad… That's a moot point. I'm dating a perfectly acceptable man. Someone you and mom would approve of. And I really am going to try my very best not to disappoint you again, at least not knowingly.
"And look, I'm sorry about what I said about the trust fund. But I really don't want to use that money. Henry even offered to bankroll it, but I'm really not interested in setting that up.
"I am earning well on my own. And in a few years, if I want to put up my own practice, I'm confident I would have earned the needed funds. You've been funding my life ever since, right up to my residency years. I don't want to take advantage anymore. You've built your business on your own merit; allow me to do the same."
If he was prone to shedding tears, Carlos would have cried after hearing what Callie said. She avoided his question, and that, in itself, was the answer. His daughter didn't trust him. Callie didn't trust him because he violated the trust that a daughter had for her father when he stupidly turned his back on her, all because she didn't conform to the life he thought she should have.
And now that she was actually living the life he once thought was best for his daughter – successful in her career, with a great man who would do anything for her – he lost the blind trust that a daughter naturally bestows upon her father, the one man who would and should never betray her.
He didn't know what to do. And for Carlos Torres, that was a first. He had always been a fixer, much like his daughter. He knew what to do when faced with difficulties. He was not known to dawdle in his decisions and actions.
But what could he do to reclaim his mija's trust? Trust that was violated not just by him, but by a multitude of other people. How can he fix this?
Could you really regain trust back?
Miranda was on her way to the attendings' lounge, wanting some peace and quiet after tending to several patients in the pit.
She hesitated before opening the door, hoping that Richard wasn't there. She wasn't sure what to make of the argument her mentor had with Callie yesterday, so she wanted a bit of space as she pondered the Latina's question.
Still want to have that dinner, Dr. Bailey?
She heaved a breath and opened the door by a small bit, just enough to peek who was inside. Thankfully, there was only a lone figure there. "Hey, Robbins. Been here long?"
"Hi, Bailey," Arizona replied. "And no, I just got here."
Miranda noticed the not-quite-cheerful greeting from the blonde surgeon. "Everything okay?" she asked as she took a seat on the armchair next to the sofa.
"Yeah, my limb's just acting up a bit," Arizona said. She winced as another jolt of pain hit her. "Okay, maybe not a bit. It's been giving me trouble for quite some time now, probably because I'm spending too much time in the OR since Herman left." She took off her prosthetic, not minding that Miranda was there. It wasn't the first time her friend had been around for this anyway. "I've talked to my prosthetist, Dr. Moore, about two weeks or so ago. We both agree I need a new leg. He said he'll come back to me as soon as possible, but so far, he hasn't gotten any luck yet in speeding up the process. There seems to be some backlog on the supplier's end."
"Tsk. Maybe you should have the limb checked out for infection or muscle contractures?"
"I don't really think that's necessary," Arizona insisted.
The two women were surprised when they heard the lock of the bathroom door disengage, signaling that there was someone inside. The bathroom in the attendings' lounge wasn't often used, because the surgeons preferred the bigger showers in the locker rooms. They were surprised to see Callie step out, fresh from her bath judging by the wet hair she was sporting.
Callie was still drying her hair with her towel when she looked towards the two women sitting on the sofa. "Oh, hello. Sorry to intrude; the other baths were all occupied when I checked earlier." Her eyes didn't miss that her ex-wife's pants were folded, revealing her residual limb, and the prosthetic leg propped up beside her. She immediately averted her eyes, not wanting to aggravate Arizona as she regularly did when they were still living together.
She hurriedly turned around and put the towel she was using in the hamper. She put on her lab coat that was hanging off on one of the nearby chairs. "I'll be out of your hair in a bit." She checked the pockets to make sure her phone, pager and ID were still inside. Confirming that none of her stuff fell out, she walked towards the door. "Alright, bye!"
But before she had taken two steps, Miranda spoke up. "Torres, Robbins here is having some trouble with her leg. Mind if you take a quick look at it?" Arizona looked at Miranda like she had lost her mind, but the woman paid her no mind.
"That's not a good idea," Callie hastily said before opening the door and leaving.
After a beat of silence, Miranda huffed. "Well, that was rather rude. And unkind!"
"No, no. Callie wasn't being rude… or unkind," Arizona defended the Latina. "It's me. I – I didn't really allow her to check on my limb when we were still together… I can count on one hand the number of times I willingly let Callie help me in any way, much less check on my leg." She took a deep breath before continuing. "What you saw… Probably a learned response from our time together. Callie's a lot of things, but being unkind… In this particular situation, she certainly isn't."
"You didn't let her help? You were married to one of the best Ortho surgeons in the country! It was right up her alley to provide help!"
"I know, I know. But I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to accept help from the very person I blamed for my loss," Arizona said, feeling guilty. "Besides, what's done is done now. Callie's certainly not obligated to look after me."
Miranda unhappily considered her friend. It was the first time she learned that Arizona blamed Callie for her amputation. Callie never mentioned anything to her. What else had she missed from her two closest friends?
Gah, I miss Altman. If she was here, someone would have helped me whip these two into shape. But like Robbins said, what's done is done.
Acknowledging Arizona's explanation, she finished her check on the blonde's residual limb and deemed it okay, probably just really sore.
The two made some small talk, nothing too enthralling that could divert both of their thoughts from the Ortho surgeon who just left. Miranda eventually stood up to get coffee for herself, while Arizona massaged her stump, albeit unsuccessful in alleviating the pain.
The quiet was disturbed when Jo came barreling into the lounge, carrying a medium-sized padded carry bag on one hand and a tote bag on her shoulder.
"Hello, Dr. Robbins, Dr. Bailey!" Jo greeted, making her way to the couch and placing the carry bag on the floor and the tote bag on the small coffee table.
Miranda and Arizona looked at each other, puzzled over the resident's actions. They became more baffled when Jo stood up and went back to the lounge door to lock it.
"What are you up to?" asked Arizona.
"For privacy," Jo said as she sat next to Arizona. "Dr. Robbins, may I check on your residual limb, please?" she asked with the most polite and professional tone she could muster. She crossed her fingers behind her, hoping to get the surgeon to agree.
"Uh – what?"
The resident took a quick peek at the uncovered stump. "It looks like your limb is slightly swollen and a bit red. Doesn't look like infection to me, but we can check that later if you'd like. But for now, I can offer you a bit of relief," she explained, lifting up the carry bag.
"That big of a bag for an ice pack?" Miranda mockingly asked.
Jo shook her head. "Oh, not at all." She looked at Arizona, silently asking for her permission to proceed.
"Okay, fine. Go ahead," Arizona reluctantly agreed, even though she was still perplexed. She watched as the younger woman took out a red and black machine from the bag, a small hose, and what appeared to be a knee wrap.
As Jo took out the items from the carry bag, she explained what these were to the two attendings. "This is a cold and compression therapy system. Portable. Top of the line." She took the connector hose and plugged it in the control unit. Next, she lifted up the knee wrap. "Then this wrap is specifically for above-the-knee amputation. If I may, Dr. Robbins?"
Arizona nodded and let the resident put in the circumferential wrap on her, helping her adjust it to fit her limb perfectly. She was surprised that despite the bulky look of the wrap, it actually felt lightweight on her.
"For now, Dr. Robbins, we'd only be using its active cryotherapy function on its lowest possible setting. I won't put in any pneumatic compression yet; we can do that later." Jo connected the other end of the hose to the wrap, then fiddled with some of the controls on the machine.
Arizona hissed when she initially felt the cold seeping from the wrap, but instantly felt the relief she needed. "Oh, that was fast. And really good."
"Just let me know if you want to make it colder," Jo said. "For now, I'm setting it up for 15 minutes. Oh wait! I forgot to ask though if you have enough time for that or you need to go back to work?"
"I've got no pressing matters to attend to for the next 45 minutes."
"Okay, great!" From the tote bag, Jo took out a disposable tumbler cup and a box of pastries, and set it on the table. "Here, the pastries are for the two of you, but the drink's for you, Dr. Robbins." She made some more adjustments in the controls. "There, I've already programmed it. 15 minutes cold therapy, then after that it would add in cyclical compression for another 15 minutes. I'll just leave you to it; I'll come back after the whole program is done."
As Jo stood up, Arizona gently pulled her back down and questioned, "Who put you up to this?" She watched as the younger woman rubbed the back of her neck nervously, further confirming her suspicion.
"Umm," Jo started, "Can we just say that it's out of the goodness of my heart and leave it at that?"
Even Miranda failed to cover her snort at that lame answer. "Your attending asked you a question. You better give the right and truthful answer."
"Okay, okay! But could you please grab some pastries first and take your drink?" the woman asked sheepishly. "I'll answer your question right after."
Arizona opted to humor the resident. But as soon as she took a sip of her drink, she knew without a doubt who sent Jo to assist her. "It's Callie, isn't it?"
"Would you believe me if I say it was Alex?"
The blonde surgeon shot a measuring look at Jo before shaking her head, "No, not at all."
"Then yes, these are all from Dr. Torres," Jo admitted awkwardly.
She shot up quickly from her seat and shuffled towards the door. "Don't take the wrap off, Dr. Robbins! It would really help! And eat up!" She hurriedly took her exit, avoiding further questions from the blonde and hoping that Arizona wouldn't take off the wrap. Dr. Torres warned her that the fetal surgeon just might do that if she found out it was from Callie.
As soon as the resident was out of the room, Miranda turned to her friend. "Obviously it couldn't be Karev, because as much as there's goodness in that boy, he doesn't really have a deliberately thoughtful bone in his body – at least this kind and level. I knew it could possibly have been Callie. But from your tone when you asked Jo, you were absolutely sure."
"I wasn't 100% sure at first," Arizona admitted. "Of course given the equipment, it pointed to Callie. But this drink… Only Callie knows this is my comfort drink when I'm having trouble with my leg." She took a sip from her drink before continuing. "I wouldn't let Callie help me with my leg in any way, especially in the first few months. I'd shut her out, emotionally and physically. But Callie… She was persistent. Whenever I've shut her out of our bedroom, she'd just leave some snacks and drinks for me. It was trial and error as to what I will consume, but we eventually figured out I developed a particular liking to Italian soda. Strawberry flavor, specifically."
"And that drink Wilson left, it's strawberry-flavored Italian soda?"
"No, kiwi." Arizona saw the confusion in Miranda's face, so she explained. "Kiwi-flavored Italian soda is my second choice whenever we ran out of the strawberry syrup... It's also… Callie's favorite."
Miranda became pensive after that revelation. "So, not unkind at all?"
"No, not at all," Arizona said with a small smile.
The General surgeon contrasted what she had heard between Callie and Richard yesterday versus the act of kindness the woman had shown to her ex-wife. "She's still the same Callie after all, huh?"
"Yeah… Somewhere in there, it's really still just Calliope."
Jo came back to the doctors' lounge just in time for the cold and compression therapy cycle Arizona was on, finished. "How was it, Dr. Robbins? Feel any better?" She noted that Dr. Bailey was no longer around.
"Yes, thank you," Arizona gratefully said as she took off the knee wrap and handed it to Jo.
The resident proceeded to pack the items back in the carry bag. "Oh, I forgot to give this to you earlier," she said as she took a small package from the carry bag. "This is a therapeutic liner; works like the hot and cold pack – microwave and freeze."
Arizona graciously took the liner. "Callie gave this for me?" She was still in a bit of disbelief over her ex-wife's kindness.
"Yes, in case you needed a bit of pain relief when you can't get ahold of the therapy unit," Jo said. "Dr. Torres said to tell you that anytime you want to use this, just call the Ortho desk. I think she left instructions to give this to you whenever you need it. Key to her office is with their head nurse, so she can get this bag for you."
"Really? Doesn't Callie need this?"
Jo shook her head, "I asked her that actually. She said she ordered it as her personal back up for the sports teams she was looking after. But on her advice, both teams recently upgraded their own recovery system from the same brand, which is the more complex and complete system since that includes cold, hot, contrast and compression. Not portable though. Hopefully she can talk Dr. Smith into upgrading the one in the hospital too." She paused for a bit, realizing she might have rambled. "Sorry, word vomit. Anyway, let's go over how to set this up, so you can do it yourself next time."
"Thank you again," Arizona said. She realized that she should personally seek out Callie to thank her for all of these.
"You seem ecstatic."
Callie yelped in surprise as she heard what was said and almost bumped into Steve. "Steve! What the heck! Why are you lurking around the corner?"
"Uh first, this isn't exactly the corner of the hallway because you're about five steps away from that. And second, you are so lost in lala land. If anything, it's your fault you almost bowled me over," Steve said as he kept in pace with his boss. "So anyway. Why do you seem so ecstatic?"
With that, Callie appeared to be bursting with joy as her eyes lit up and her megawatt smile – which was in shortage these days – graced her face. "I got the military grant for Wounded Warriors! And I just came from Owen's office to talk to him about it, and he said yes to being part of the project!"
"Oi! Congratulations!" Steve rejoiced with his boss. "I thought the meeting was scheduled next week?"
"It is. Apparently, the officer who emailed me forgot to mention that the grant itself was already approved after the higher-ups read my proposal. The meeting is to talk about the amount and to discuss some questions they have. Essentially just to formalize and hammer out the details!"
"Do you have any idea what the questions are?"
Callie took her phone out of her pocket and opened her email. "Yeah, they did send some initial queries – about the timeframe mainly, especially as they know I have the clinical trial on-going as well. Then of course they are questioning the end-to-end support for the spouses or whoever the main caregiver for the participant is; they want to know why that is included, on top of providing the same services to the amputees."
"Huh. Well, I understand why they are questioning that; doesn't seem to be a standard inclusion overall," Steve said.
The surgeon let out a small sigh, "I know, I know; it's a long shot. I hope I can convince them to cover it in the grant, but if not, well… Maybe I'll just make sure to mention counseling to the participants and their main carer. I thought about covering that portion myself, but I'm not sure if that's wise from my end."
"Yeah, I agree," Steve concurred. They were now walking along the hallway towards Callie's office. "It seems important to you though," he observed.
Callie became silent at that. When they finally arrived in her office, she went inside and took a seat on the sofa; Steve following behind.
She spoke with a soft voice, "When I visited the rehab center with Owen last month, there was an incident. There was a veteran there who was so angry because he just lost his right arm. We heard him shouting at his wife even from afar. Well… It brought up some memories for me, and I wanted to step in. You know how I don't really react well to being yelled at. It wasn't directed at me, but I still felt the hatred being spewed. I wasn't aware at the time, but Owen mentioned it to me afterwards, that I was actually shaking. He didn't know if it was in anger or something else. I remember wanting to find whoever was shouting and give him a piece of my mind, or tell his wife not to stand for it. Owen held me back right away, and the center directress who was giving us a tour of the facilities took note of my reaction too.
"She took to us to a nearby conference room," she continued, "I am still so ashamed of what happened after – I spilled my guts to both Owen and the directress! I didn't even realize it at the time, that I was still carrying some… feelings for Arizona's amputation. I told them about still feeling so angry at the unfairness of it all, remembering the feeling of absolute helplessness. Since I'm the evil doctor who cut off her leg, Arizona wouldn't let me help her. I took the blows, Steve. I did. The insults, the screams, the silence. I took them all. I thought I was doing right by my wife if I shouldered all of those and just help out with whatever I could. After all, I'm not the one who lost anything. It was the least I could do."
She looked at her bodyguard, and Steve took note of the dejection that was lurking behind those brown eyes.
"But I still failed, Steve. Somewhere along the way, I failed my wife. I didn't know that it was still grating at me inside until that day at the rehab center. But the directress… Thank God for her. She let me calm myself down first and introduced me to a couple of amputees that they were helping in the center.
"Meeting those people gave me outlook that I didn't know I was lacking," she explained earnestly to Steve. "Hearing the perspective of the people who lost their limbs… It was eye-opening. It was just then that I realized that I let my personality distort my view of how I should have helped Arizona. I thought I understood what she was going through, and that the best course of action was to push through it because I assumed that's what I would have done. How fucking arrogant of me!
"I remember the day I lost Mark. I was so scared that after losing my best friend, my wife would be next. I let my fear of watching my wife perish slowly right before my very eyes overrule me. Because I felt I was losing Arizona then, when she was full of hate and sorrow after what I did to her.
"And that day… When I got home after losing Mark… Do you know what I foolishly said to my wife? I told her, 'Get the hell out of bed and snap out of this.'"
Steve winced. That was horrible of his boss to have done, there was no other way to put it.
Callie saw Steve's expression. "Exactly. I didn't mean to minimize what she was going through, but that's precisely how it appeared. I just remembered feeling utterly scared that she would follow Mark. I was so scared to lose her… That wasn't even the only time I said something terrible!
"On the day of Bailey's wedding, Arizona didn't want to go. At the time, I felt like her issue with wearing flats to a wedding was inconsequential. And my words most likely made her feel that I was belittling her and what she was feeling. Again! I was looking at it from my viewpoint, not empathizing at all with what Arizona was telling me. I was hearing the words coming out from her mouth, but I wasn't really listening to them. It was horrible – No, I was horrible!
"Even the night before when she was telling me how she felt about not being able to wear heels for the wedding, I told her that she's so beautiful, and that people stand next to her and immediately feel bad about themselves. That it's a kindness to other women that she is just a couple of inches shorter.
"I didn't hear what my wife was telling me because to my eyes, she was still the same woman I fell in love with. That no matter losing a leg, she was perfect to my eyes in every way. I couldn't see what she was missing, what she lost, because it didn't matter to me.
"I was selfish. Oh, and I wasn't even done that day! I told her that there comes a point where you have to suck it up and stop whining and start living!"
Steve was absolutely horrified. He didn't know that his boss could be that insensitive. That was the worst of it, right? But how wrong he was when he heard Callie's next words.
"I told her that for one night, 'our lives can be about something other than that damn leg.' Oh, I sank lower than that! Told her I haven't had sex in five months because of the leg!" Callie couldn't stop the lone tear that escaped her eye. "I am so ashamed of myself, Steve. And it wasn't even about the sex."
"It wasn't?"
Callie shook her head, "Well, it was about the sex in some ways. But it was the intimacy I was craving at the time. Those days, Arizona allowed me back to our bed. But it was like there was a foot-wide demilitarized zone down the middle of it when we slept. I turn to hug her in our bed but she was already turned away. It felt like rejection." She took a breath to compose herself. "Sex has always been the way Arizona and I connected with each other. Probably to an unhealthy degree."
Steve couldn't help the snort that came from him at that, and he got a swat on the arm for it.
"Not like that, you ass! Unhealthy in the sense that there were probably some difficult conversations that we should have had instead of just falling into bed with each other," the surgeon said. "I just… I missed my wife. And in focusing on that instead of trying to understand what Arizona was still going through, my words conveyed something else instead of what I truly felt. I was an ass. And I suck at appropriately expressing myself.
"After hearing from the veterans that day, I compiled a mental list of all the ways I failed as a wife. I shouldn't have let my fear of losing Arizona overrule my life, our lives, our marriage. I supported her the way I would have wanted to be supported if it was me. But what I failed to realize is that she had her own needs. Add to that whole mess is the fact that I'm the one responsible for the amputation… Well, it was a disaster. A clusterfuck, if you will.
"The directress let me get that all out in her office. She wasn't shy about pointing out where I made missteps, but she also explained to me that even though caregivers aren't the ones going through the horrible ordeal of losing something vital, there are still some things that caregivers should be properly prepared and supported for.
"I did my fair share of amputations. But I never looked beyond my scope as a surgeon. All I knew is that amputation is necessary to save a patient's life. Life over limb. But what kind of life would that be for the patient? For the spouse? For the family?
"Support for the amputee is a given – therapy, counseling, all of it. But I realized that the caregiver also has an extensive range of needs – mental health support, physical health, social support and educational support. No one is ever prepared for something like that…"
Callie became quiet for a bit and fidgeted with her hands. "I want to include that in the project because I didn't want anyone making the same mistakes that I did with Arizona. If I could prevent a loving home from breaking apart because of the missteps I made, then perhaps it would ease the guilt."
"You still feel guilty?" Steve curiously asked, unaware how deep the culpability was rooted in Callie's heart.
"I do," Callie admitted. "I already failed as a surgeon, Steve. I could save other people's limbs, but I couldn't save the leg of the one person who mattered the most. And then I failed as a wife. No wonder our marriage ended."
Steve comfortingly rubbed the arm of the surgeon. "That's not the reason it ended, Miss Callie. Or at least, it wasn't the only reason, and you know it."
"I don't want to think about that," Callie confessed. "I still don't. I couldn't bear to think about that.
"Arizona might have lost me after the storm. But there are plenty of times I think I lost Arizona the day she lost her leg, anyway." She became quiet again. "Sometimes, I think… Nothing short of letting Arizona die that day would have changed the ending of our story."
"Miss Callie…" Steve was at a loss how to comfort the woman.
The Latina shook her head. "I feel guilty, Steve. But I am hoping that this project could help me ease the crushing guilt I feel. Maybe… Just maybe I can heal too."
Steve left Callie's office as soon as he was sure that his boss was already back at focusing on work. Which, in hindsight, was a particularly impressive feat from the woman – making it appear seamless when switching off her emotions and having laser-focus on something else. Or if you look at it on the other end of the spectrum, it was something downright depressing.
He didn't walk too far. He saw a supply room with its door partially open. He went inside, closed the door and sat on a step stool.
"How much did you hear?" he asked the woman to his left, similarly sitting down.
There was a small sniff. "A lot."
Steve offered the box of tissues he swiped from Callie's office right before he went out to find Arizona.
The door to Callie's office wasn't fully closed when they talked. He was about to stand up to close it as soon as he noticed, but he saw a flash of blonde hair and the bluest eyes he had ever seen.
The two stayed silent; the bodyguard understanding that much like his boss, the blonde needed some time to process before she would talk, if at all.
Their silence was broken when Arizona spoke, "I didn't realize that she was feeling guilty about my amputation… Still… After all this time…"
"How could she not, Dr. Robbins? If I'm guessing correctly, she spent quite a bit of time hearing you blame her. If something was said to you day in and day out, from a loved one to boot, wouldn't you internalize it too?" Steve said, though his tone wasn't unkind.
Arizona wiped the tears that fell. "I'm sorry."
"I don't think I'm the one you should be saying that to," Steve gently said. "And I have a feeling she doesn't really think you have anything to apologize for. At least not about your leg. You heard her… She has a better understanding now, though admittedly very late – the trauma of the crash, the amputation. If anything, I think she knows she should be apologizing to you."
The surgeon thought about what Steve said, what Callie said. And more than the words, she pondered her actions.
The Latina didn't check on her leg when asked by Miranda because of her own past response to any help offered. But she immediately sent Jo. Gave the resident instructions on how to use her personal therapy unit to alleviate her pain. With that extra attention to detail by giving her the Italian soda, not for any pain relief purposes, but simply because Callie knew she took comfort in that simple drink. Even left her a new liner that is specifically designed for pain relief. Offered her daily use of the machine if she so wanted.
Not long after that, she received a message from Dr. Moore that he got an update from his suppliers, and the prosthesis he requested for her would be arriving within the week. It might just be coincidence that it happened today, but she had a suspicion that Callie pulled some strings for her benefit.
And hearing Callie's words herself? She could feel it deep in her bones that her ex-wife was indeed feeling remorseful, guilty.
She was bearing a cross that Arizona had no right to make her bear.
She wondered if all of these were Callie's way of apologizing to her. For something that Arizona now understood wasn't Callie's fault at all. True, Callie might have done some wrong along the way, but the loss of her leg itself wasn't her fault.
It was the plane crash.
The fog dissipates a bit more. Things are becoming much clearer for her. Just a little more and the fog will be all gone.
"I should talk to her, huh?"
"I guess you should."
Steve stood up and offered his hand to the surgeon, which she gratefully accepted. Arizona was way past the time in her life that she would be insulted with such offers.
Just as the two of them were nearing Callie's office door, they saw Henry approaching from the other side, holding a large bouquet of flowers. Steve and Arizona watched as he knocked on the office door and waited for a bit.
Not a moment longer and the door opened, revealing Callie's surprised face. They both heard her exclaim, "Henry!"
Without missing a beat, they saw Henry's free hand reach out to grab Callie by the waist and lovingly kiss her.
Arizona turned to Steve, averting her eyes from the couple. It made her uncomfortable, she wasn't into public displays of affection herself, after all. At least, that was what she told herself. "I guess now's not the time for us," she said, trying to lighten her tone.
"No, Dr. Robbins. Not yet."
Arizona nodded and walked away, but not before throwing one last look at Callie.
[A/N]
Reference: I forgot to indicate my references in the last chapter for the things Callie said to Richard because most, if not all, of them were actually in the show. Like calling her privileged and arrogant [6x15, Teddy calling out Webber for his favoritism [7x10, saying big things are planned for her [7x07] and of course, putting her attending position in jeopardy [6x01].
Reference: For this chapter, the one about Alex Karev's comment to the nurse was in 1x01, while the quip about Callie's gifts for nurses' baby showers are from 7x17.
Reference: For the stuff about Owen hoping to do some good, and some details about the Wounded Warriors project, those came from 11x03.
Anyway. I don't usually like to put in more notes in an otherwise already lengthy chapter. But I think for this one I need to. Callie's monologue, of sorts, about her missteps with Arizona detailed some of the scenes, dialogues that I found myself cringing at when I first watched them. They were ingrained in my head because at the time, I wanted to throw something at Callie for being so insensitive. And trust me, there are more coming.
But as I was writing this chapter, I remembered a particular thought of mine regarding Calzona, specifically in 11x05. I remembered that on that day prior to them going back to the stupid therapist (sorry, I really hate her. I am of the belief that Dr. Dawson was an ineffective therapist for them – would probably tackle this in my other story You're Losing Me, but that's a long way off!), I remember that Callie looked like she had an epiphany about her marriage with something her patient said – "At least it's over, no more pain… Stop feeling sorry for myself." And also what Derek said to her before that – "No, this problem goes much deeper than anything you could have seen or could have controlled." These, I believe, contributed to Callie's decision to end the marriage. I strongly believe she didn't really plan to end the marriage that day.
I thought, hey, so it's quite obvious when there are these telling signs about what a character would eventually think, feel, conclude in Grey's. There were other instances like this for Callie's character (and for others too) in particular, but my A/N would be too long if I note them all down.
As I was writing this chapter and Callie's litany of her mistakes, I remembered my thoughts on 11x05 and wondered if the same could be said about those instances that Callie spoke those hurtful words. Not to find any loophole in them – because there are none – but to actually put the character's words into context.
Callie has a malfunctioning filter from brain-to-mouth, no doubt about that. But I've never really seen her as particularly malicious. Not many characters in the show are, actually. (Except maybe Izzie. Sorry!) So, I rewatched the episodes (I have never done a rewatch of S9, or not as much as I rewatch S1 to S8, even S10, because I hated that season. After the last episode, I felt like the whole season was sort of tainted for Calzona, it felt like everything was a lie. Anyway…) to see if there were other things in play. And there were.
Much like I am doing with Arizona's character in this story, lots of introspection, the therapist making sure that she doesn't blame herself for things that spun out of control (PTSD, amputation), I needed to be fair to Callie's character too and bring forth these contexts. Next chapter would do the same, once again, for Arizona.
Also, I really don't want to spell things out in my notes because I feel like pointing these out simply means I'm ineffective in getting my story across, but I just wanted to share – Arizona's healing path is mostly done via therapy sessions. This is a deliberate choice from my end because for me, Arizona is the type of character that internalizes a lot, so in alignment to that, the way she would get over things is not via hearing affirmation from others. It's from herself. It has to come from within. And she could do that in therapy. It's why none of Callie's affirmations for her penetrated her mind back in S9.
On the flip side, Callie is the type that her pain emanates from her outwardly. So I decided that her healing path would be something aligned to that too. And her monologue here is not actually a healing point for her, which is why I didn't include the scene she was referring to in the rehab center as it was happening. I included it as her story to tell. Not because it's not important, but because this is not the healing that I will focus on for Callie in this story. Her healing path would look different than that of Arizona's. We're not quite there yet. Soon, I hope.