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Nathan & Elizabeth: An Epic Love

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Chapter Twenty-Three

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Family Discussions

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Part II

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Having finished tucking Jack in on his own, Nathan paused in his bedroom doorway, reflecting on the evening, and in particular this little boy who had been missing so much in his young life.

No, he had not expected him to want to call him Dad or Papa before he and Elizabeth married, yet it felt so right.

Jack was already his son in his heart and had been for a very long time.

If Elizabeth was okay with it, he needed to teach their son how to play some ball, so if he wanted to, he could play with the other kids his age.

Nathan didn't want him going to first grade, having never hit a ball.

"We're going to have so much fun, together, Jack Thornton! Sweet dreams. I love you, Son, more than you can know!"

He glanced out the window.

This time instead of talking to the sleeping boy, offering a promise to his father instead.

"I give you my word, Jack, I'll do my level best by him, for both of us! And I will do everything in my power to make sure he knows what a great man you are!"

Standing in the doorway, glancing back at the sleeping boy, now his son, too, Nathan blew his little 'Big Guy' a last kiss…

Starting down the stairway, Nathan smiled as he heard Elizabeth and Allie talking. When he reached the bottom, he wasn't at all surprised to see the two sitting together, with Elizabeth's arm around Allie.

"Nathan, I was just telling Allie that's the perfect Lullaby for Jack. I wish I had known it to sing to him when he was younger."

"Well, we'll teach you now. You know, Colleen and I were raised on a horse ranch, so anything that had to do with horses ruled! Our mother sang it to us from the time we were tiny babies, and Colleen did the same with Allie!"

"It's our tradition, isn't it, Dad!"

"Yes, that it is, Allie Girl!"

"I'm just glad Jack liked it, too!" grinned Allie.

"He loved it, but I think the two of you could have sung anything to him, and he would have loved it!"

Allie giggled, knowing that was true.

"We just love each other, Mama, a whole lot!"

"I know you do! You two already have the most beautiful relationship a mother could ask for. He's blossomed under your care, Allie! But I don't want you to pay so much attention to Jack you forget about your own wants and wishes. What I'm trying to say is I don't want any of us taking advantage of your kind heart. In other words, you are brother and sister, now, so I don't want you to feel that you have to baby-sit him all the time, only when, and if you really want to. But don't be afraid to just speak up and say I have plans, or I really wanted to read a book, or whatever your needs are. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I do! And I will, Mama, but I love doing things with Jack and the girls do too, so we're fine!"

"I love you so much, Allie!"

"I love you, too, Mama, and I was going to talk to Dad at home about this, but I guess I need to maybe talk to both of you."

"We're right here, Allie," offered Nathan. "Ready to listen."

"Absolutely," affirmed Elizabeth.

"It's not pretty, and Dad, I don't want to hurt your feelings, so please don't take it that way! But I know I caused you, especially, a lot of pain. But also, Mama, too."

Allie took in a deep breath, and Nathan sat down beside her and took her hands, now very concerned.

"Dad, you're the only one in this world who's been all the things a father should be to me, and you always will be. I know that because you love me with all your heart, and I love you to the moon and back. I know that, too, because you told me so, and you have never once broken a promise to me in my whole life."

Allie continued thought by thought:

"You've been the one who tucked me in every night."

"You're the one who sang lullabies to me any time I needed."

"You're the one who rocked me and cared for me whenever I got sick, even though you panicked till I was well again."

That one brought a wan smile to Nathan's face as he knew it was true. He was a tough Mountie. Yet he could hardly bear to see Allie with even a cold.

"You're the one who has taken me to the doctor and held me when I got my shots, even though I think you were more squeamish than me, but only because I was the one getting the shot and not you!"

"You're the one who was a guy, but you still sat with me for hours on end, helping me pick out my clothes to wear from the catalog."

"You're the one who not only spends each and every holiday with me, but you go the extra mile and make them so very special."

"You're the one who celebrates every single birthday with me, and you always get me gifts that are the bee's knees!" (*53)

"You're the one who buys me books to read as many as I'm able to read, and art supplies to draw and paint! Basically, you've given me anything I've needed and wanted, as long as it made sense; if it did make sense, and sometimes even when it didn't, you always made sure I had it."

"You've always cooked for me, even though you aren't really crazy about doing it, except maybe when we cook together."

"You're the one who's taken me to school, makes my lunch, and picks me up asking all about my day!"

"You're the one who's taken me to church every Sunday you haven't had to work; and when you have had to work, you've made arrangements for someone else to be with me."

"You're the one who's taught me to be kind and thoughtful and compassionate."

"You're the one who's taught me to always do my very best, no matter what."

"You're the one who's taught me to ride a horse, Mountie style!"

"You're the one who is teaching me French, because I was so fascinated by it."

"And then there's our fishing!"

"I could go on and on…"

But here, Allie broke down and sobbed while Nathan gathered her to him and just held her, stroking her hair till she calmed herself.

She sniffled and sniffled, so Nathan quickly gave her his handkerchief.

"Don't you see, I am so ashamed! Because I called Mama, Mama, my twisted brain thought that Dylan was my Papa, and so I couldn't call you that and called you, Dad, instead. All because I was saving that special name for Dylan so it would match Mama's name. But I got it all so very wrong."

"Allie, you have nothing to be ashamed about!" insisted her Dad.

"I am ashamed about this. And I should be ashamed. From the time I was little, I really didn't know Dylan at all. But I built him up in my mind as this wonderful person, who loved me so much. So, I pretended that he just had to be away because of his work. I should have been smarter than that because he could have at least been writing to me and calling me on our phone all this time. Any real parent would have. I mean, a real parent would have even come to see me, at least for the Holidays. But you both know how that ended up. I traveled all the way by Train, by myself, just to see him, and he still wouldn't see me, even when it would have gotten him out of his jail cell for an hour or so. He didn't even want to know what I looked like or why I was there. Think about how cruel that is."

"Do you know, he has never once even sent me a birthday card, not to mention a gift of any kind, not even a photo. I have nothing from him to keep or remember him by. Nothing. Not even a smile."

Nathan and Elizabeth didn't know what to say, so they just listened with breaking hearts, feeling as though she needed to talk this through, whatever it was.

"But now I'm glad I don't have anything of his or even from him. He's not a nice man. He's a common criminal, and he's never once been my father, not my dad or my papa. And never once, will he ever be. I know you've taught me to forgive, and I have forgiven Mama, because now I know she loved us and was just going through a bad time, just like I've been going through one now. And I have even finally forgiven him, too. But believe me, I had to pray a ton to get there for Dylan."

"I know I'm not a grown-up yet, just a teenager, but I do know this. I've turned my cheek so many times for that man, practically begging him to love me, but now I know he can't. So, I don't want to see him, to talk to him, or even to think of him or remember him in any way. I've prayed for his soul. And now he no longer exists in my mind nor my heart."

"Allie, Sweetheart, I believe if you have earnestly prayed about this and you're doing what God directs you to do, then you have nothing to be ashamed of," assured Nathan. "Do you need to talk to Pastor Canfield about it? He's very good when someone's troubled with a problem," suggested Nathan. "And this has been an awful lot for anyone to go through, especially someone with as caring a heart as you have."

"He sure has helped me so much, Allie, and I know he would be happy to help you too," added Elizabeth.

"No, I'm sure. I'm no longer troubled because I've let Dylan go. I've let all my dreams of him go. Because none of them were real or true. I'm just ashamed."

"Allie, you have nothing to be ashamed of! Dylan is the one who should be full and overflowing with awful shame! Not you, never you!" insisted Nathan.

"But I'm not ashamed of anything related to Dylan, except how stupid I've been, wanting something that didn't exist. Dad, don't you see? I'm ashamed of what I did to you!"

"Allie, I love you, and you love me; you've never once done anything that would make me ashamed of you! What is it that you are feeling ashamed about so we can try to help you understand, Sweetheart?"

"I called you Dad," and Allie started crying again.

"Allie, that was the happiest day of my life. I felt like the richest man on earth because instead of having a niece, I finally had my daughter!"

"You don't understand. I called you Dad because…because I was saving Papa for…for him!"

Finally, Nathan understood!

"Oh, Allie, that doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter what you call me. It only matters that you're my daughter, that you love me as your father and share your joys as well as your problems with me!"

"But I don't want to save that word anymore! I know you're my Dad, but I want YOU to be my Papa, too! Just like my first Mama is Mama and my new Mama is Mama. I want you to be the Papa that makes you as important as they are! Not just Dad!"

Allie was shaking while Nathan was holding her, and Elizabeth was smoothing her hair, doing her best to help soothe her.

Suddenly, Nathan knew what to do, holding her back so she could see him face to face.

"Then that's exactly what I am, Allie! If that word is special to you, then it's special to me, and I will be so very honored every time I hear you say it. My dearest, beautiful, brightest, sweetest girl, don't you see? I have always been your Papa even when you called me Uncle. You know why? Because I have loved you with my whole heart and will always love you with my whole heart. I finally understand, you felt like you were holding a piece of your own heart back for Dylan, but no more! And Allie, I couldn't be prouder of you for realizing that and doing something to fix it. That takes so much bravery and courage! And though you said you aren't yet an adult, this is a very, very grown-up thing to do!"

"I love you now with my whole heart, too, Papa, and it feels so right and so wonderful!"

He tightened his embrace and kissed the top of her head, holding her closer to him.

"Your father's right, Allie! I don't think when I was your age, and maybe not even now, that I could have worked through all that heaviness on my own. No, that's not right. Actually, that's a complete untruth. I know for certain, not only that I couldn't have done what you've just done at your age, and I also know I could never have even done it now as an adult," and Elizabeth broke down, hyperventilating, covering her face.

Still holding Allie between them, Nathan stretched to put his hand on Elizabeth's shoulder, but it only made things worse.

"Don't you see I don't deserve consoling, not from you, not from Allie, nor anyone. Yes, I was grieving my husband, but Allie was grieving a beloved mother, and you were grieving a beloved sister. How superior of me to think only my grief mattered and that yours wasn't just as heartbreaking and every bit as painful!"

"I was a grown-up, a professional, and I knew better! Unlike our daughter who has very maturely muddled through this difficult self-analysis by herself, not once did I even attempt to do so. No, not me, instead I lashed out at everyone who loved me, Rosemary, Bill, Lee, and most of all the two people I love most in this world, you and Allie!"

"Lizbeth…"

"Mama…"

"No, Nathan! No, Allie! I need to say this, and I need to say it to both of you. Allie's old enough, and she deserves to know. Let me speak of it this once. And then hopefully we can move on into the joy we're creating together, but that joy has to be real, for each of us, and it can't be real for Allie unless she knows the truth. By the grace of God, you and I have worked through this, Nathan, but Allie has just graciously and lovingly forgiven me without knowing the details, and she needs to know how deeply I regret hurting the both of you. You need to know that once more, too, Nathan, even though it's painful to discuss and relive."

"Allie, Sweetheart, you said you were ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed about. I am the one who is so ashamed. I am so deeply ashamed that I added to all that pain of rejection you were experiencing from Dylan. Here I sit, and though unwittingly, I did add to all that. I made Dylan's rejection a hundred times worse for you, and I will regret that to my dying day. I will also continue to ask God's forgiveness for having done so! I hate that I just went on about my faux life to all of Hope Valley, hurting you so deeply, Allie! You, of all people, didn't deserve that!"

"I am so deeply ashamed of my time with Mr. Bouchard because not only did I betray the perfect love you and your father offered me and continue to offer me, but I also betrayed my own heart. Because of that, I betrayed his heart as well, and I almost lost everything I hold dear. I would have lost it all too, had you and your Papa not shown me unlimited mercy and grace, the kind that only comes from God."

Nathan looked at her, concerned if this was wise, because he knew exactly where his Lizbeth was going.

"Allie, I trust you and what I'm about to tell you is a very grown-up conversation, which I'm trusting you to never speak of again, except to me or your father. But you need to know, so that you never ever make the same mistake I have made. This is much too important to sweep under the rug. And I can't keep pretending I have all the answers when I botched everything so horribly for all three of us. My heart never chose Mr. Bouchard, my heart had already chosen you and your Papa. I used to be so strong, but I was too weak to just stay by myself and work through my fears, like you did Allie. I just couldn't do it. So, unlike you, I took the coward's way out. Do you understand how much I admire you for not doing what I did and for being brave while you labored through what you needed to work you? You had courage, Allie, and accomplished something I wasn't strong enough to do. And so, I made a horrific decision in my mind to start a life that would keep me away from your father, because I wasn't strong enough to fight for our love by myself, and I couldn't bear losing him, but in my twisted mind, if I was with another man, I was safe from your father's love, because deep in my heart, I knew he was too honorable to interfere with a supposed new love."

"I grew to love Lucas as a friend, and only a friend, though even that friendship is at risk now. Not once during our time together, did I love him the way a woman has to love a man in order for a marriage and a family to work, even though I know it must have looked like we were flaunting a fairy-tale. That's how hard we both tried to make the lie work for each other. It wasn't a fairy tale at all, Allie, I was so empty inside trying to convince myself I was in love with him and boy did I ever deserve what I got today! Due to your father's insistence that I know the truth, Mr. Bouchard finally admitted to me today that he has never been in love with me or loved me that way, and the irony is neither had I. So, the whole time I used him and that's what I ended up doing, trying to make a lie work that wasn't meant to be for either of us, he was doing the exact same with me. He saw my weakness and admitted he manipulated my grief, my fear, the whole time while he was in love with another woman. You see, we simply used each other for different reasons, all of which were lies."

"But Allie, when you saw me today after I had just left the discussion with Mr. Bouchard, you need to understand this. I wasn't upset because he had never been in love with me. I was relieved. I didn't like that he had lied to me, no one does, but I was as guilty as he was in that regard. Together, we were the ultimate lie!"

"Do you want to know what I was upset about? I haven't even gotten a chance to discuss this with your Papa. So, I'm telling you both now. I was so upset over the time I lost being with my real family – and that's you, Allie, and your Papa. I could have and should have been there with you, Sweet Girl, through all the things you've experienced as the mother you needed, and I could have spared you both all that awful pain of rejection that I unwittingly caused had I done so. That's what I'm having trouble forgiving myself for. I ruined everything for us and I don't think another father and daughter would have been so loving, so kind, so generous, so understanding of my horrific behaviour. Nor would they have given me this second chance, which I know I don't deserve! Though, I'm so very grateful and thankful the two of you have and are continuing to offer that to me."

"I want you both to know I will never ever take either of you for granted again. Instead, I will spend each day finding new ways to love the two of you and Jack. My mother used to call it smothering with love as if it were a bad thing. But true love, real love, can never be a bad thing. It's the tainted horror in the guise of love that can ruin an entire life as well as the lives of so many others."

"And so, I'm asking once more in view of all the new awful things I learned today – please accept my most humble apologies for my awful behavior and know that I am so deeply ashamed for ruining those two years we should have all spent being together."

"You two are my shining stars who have brought me back from the brink of disaster to where I should have been all along – right here with you," declared Elizabeth with passion ringing in her voice.

Allie smiled and though it was a weak one, she moved to kiss her Mama's cheek.

Allie was finally healing, while deep in their hearts, Nathan and Elizabeth knew this complete honesty between the three of them was a monumental step in doing so, even though it had been painful not only for Elizabeth to share but for all three of them.

The truth was, Elizabeth was also healing, fully realizing she had to make the same journey of self-analysis and self-realization as her younger and wiser teen daughter.

"I love you, Papa, with my whole heart!"

"Always, Dearest Allie! Always with our whole hearts," added Nathan, kissing his, now their daughter's forehead. "No matter what!"

"I love you, Mama, with my whole heart too!"

"I love you, always and forever, Dearest Daughter!"

"Now the soon-to-be Grant Family of four, including that little 'Big Guy' upstairs in his bed, will be a real family, full of love and open hearts," declared Nathan.

But it was Allie who wrapped their family all up in wonder and tied it with a bow of possibility.

"And together, we'll be unstoppable, touching God's stars…"

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53. "The Bee's Knees," an excellent or much-liked person or thing; the term is thought to have come into use during the 1920s when the flappers compared almost everything they thought of as excellent to a part of an anima; The Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (editor Noah Porter, Springfield, MA: C Merriam Co, 1913). Public Domain and Public Domain Information.