The universe always loved having near-comedic timing. Like the bot preaching for respect on a blue-lit street, only to get shot the moment he mentioned the terrible crimes he was trying to prevent. Like how the one moment Kokichi had been holding on to for the chance to prove he had changed went so terribly wrong because… he seemed to have not changed at all.
Kokichi could never seem to do good, far too obsessed with his acting and theatrics to realise the harm he was doing, far too obsessed with the perfect plans that formed in his head to realise that he wasn't meant to have any good endings, it seemed.
He couldn't even think to consider his own life and safety, because he had ignored every word of warning and still acted so carelessly. He kept ignoring all the wrong things. He thought of a million outcomes, but never the one where he made the mistake, it seemed.
How stupid was he to ignore the results of carelessness? How foolish was he to ignore the stupidity of Shuichi's worry for him? How ignorant was he to realise that those flaws were bound to turn out terribly?
One moment he had truly thought he was dead, and the next an even worse fear held him frozen. Shuichi. Shuichi had pushed him away from the building's edge. Shuichi was just there, he had just been there. Only a second, only a second ago.
"Ouma-kun–!" The strained voice came from just over the ledge, drawing Kokichi's attention away from the knot of fear building in his chest, and he noticed the hand gripped tightly to the edge of the building, looking only moments from slipping. "Ouma-kun, help—"
Kokichi didn't hesitate, in a state of panic, to scramble over and reach for Shuichi's wrist. He held out his other hand for Shuichi's free hand to grab onto. He didn't even think about it. He wanted to be angry at Shuichi for doing something so stupid and reckless as he had done, but… He couldn't when he looked down at the man's face.
The absolute horror in Shuichi's eyes sent a shiver through his body as he tried to hold tight onto the man's arms, to keep him from slipping. Short, panicked breaths escaped Shuichi's mouth. His eyes, wide open, darted around, looking for something to use to get back up, some way to pull or push himself up on, but terrible despair set into his face when he looked back up at Kokichi.
"There's nothing here, Ouma-kun—" Shuichi's voice trembled as the words fell out of his mouth. "There's nothing, I– I can't get up, Ouma-kun, there's nothing to push off of—"
Kokichi tried to think, he tried. He tried, he tried, he tried— but all he could see was the terror in Shuichi's face and the street hundreds of feet below Shuichi's hanging body. Nothing, nothing, nothing. The word repeated in his head as he hung on to Shuichi's wrists with every ounce of strength he might've had. Not enough, not enough, not enough.
Why had this happened? Why? Why Shuichi? Why him? Kokichi couldn't let this happen. How had he let this happen? It's my fault, he thought. Oh, why didn't he listen? Shuichi had said be careful; Shuichi had told him to be careful; why couldn't he have just been careful?
He squeezed his eyes shut as he put all his effort into his attempt to pull Shuichi upwards, but he had to quickly give up when the strain couldn't go any further. He wasn't strong enough, why couldn't he be strong enough? Weak, guilty, worthless— He had done this and he couldn't even fix it.
Kokichi had to fix it. He… He wouldn't let go. He couldn't let go. He was not going to let Shuichi go.
"Ouma-kun, help—" Shuichi called out as he strained to pull himself up with the slight grasp on the building-side, but, even when Kokichi pulled at the same time, it was no use. He swallowed hard before having to gasp for breath as his hands started to shake. He couldn't hold on much longer, and neither could Kokichi. "Help," he repeated weakly.
His brows furrowed as he tried to make sense of the word. He was trying, but he couldn't. He couldn't help. Then, it clicked. Help, Kokichi needed to get help.
Kokichi pressed his lips together and tried to whistle loud enough, but he knew that the pitiful notes that left his mouth weren't near loud enough for Kiibo and Miu to hear. Still, he tried to get it right. A deep breath in, and a shaky whistle out. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it. He wasn't enough.
He couldn't let a single hand go, he knew that. If he even let one hand drop, that would likely put too much weight on Shuichi's other hand, and cause him to slip. But he saw Shuichi starting to get weak. Any moment then, he would be forced to let go.
Only one chance. Kokichi only had one idea, one chance, but… he had to let go.
"Sai-Saihara-chan?" His voice shook, he couldn't even control it. His heart was beating so damn fast that it rattled his whole chest. Shuichi met his eyes, his breathing laboured; Kokichi didn't wait for him to say a word, his own words falling out as soon as he thought of them. "I need you to… let go. Can you… Can you do that? I… I need you to trust me."
Shuichi squeezed his eyes shut as he took a deep breath. "Yes," he breathed, taking another shaky breath, "I trust you."
He had to fight back the tears forming in the corner of his eyes as he spoke. "Okay. You can… You can let go now."
His hands finally let go of the building edge, Shuichi's full weight transferring to Kokichi's hands clenched around his arms. He had to let go now too. He just… He needed to let go. He acted as if he had much of a choice, but his hands were slipping already. Please, he begged in his head, please let this work. Please. Please don't let Shuichi die.
Kokichi let go, squeezing his eyes shut and immediately drawing a breath to blow a whistle with his hands as he had done before. He put his full lungs into the sound, repeatedly blowing into his fingers as he silently prayed to nothing and everything at the same time.
Don't let him die. Don't let him die because of my stupid mistakes. Don't let him die. Please, don't let him die. Don't let his last words be… 'I trust you.'
Kiibo… Please hear me.
He continued whistling, even when his lungs were aching for him to stop. He didn't dare look over the edge, he didn't dare to check if it had worked, he was too scared that it didn't. So he kept going. Deep breath in, shrill whistle out. Each whistle grew weaker and weaker as he did, but he didn't dare open his eyes, and he didn't dare risk stopping.
Vaguely, he heard the slam of the trapdoor, but didn't think about it until he heard Miu's voice.
"What the hell did you do?" Her voice made it clear she had seen Shuichi fall; she was angry, pissed. "What the hell happened, Ouma?" She repeated, her voice closer now.
Kokichi didn't dare open his eyes. He couldn't open his eyes. He didn't want to see it. He didn't want to see Miu's genuinely angry face. He didn't want to see Kiibo's look of horror. He didn't want to see how they'd all look at him when they realised he had killed Shuichi. Guilt. Deep, awful, painful guilt.
It was his fault. It was all his fault.
Miu's voice spoke up from right next to him, as if she had sat down beside him. "Damn it, Ouma. We heard ya' the first time. Kiibo went after him. You don't have to keep whistling." She was clearly angry, but her voice had gone a bit softer.
Kokichi stopped whistling. With his eyes still shut, he brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, digging his nails into the other hand when he clenched them together. He couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't. There were a million ways it could've gone wrong, a million ways Shuichi could be dead already. He couldn't look.
"I really hope that was a fucking accident, piss-stain. But if I find out you pushed him…" Miu trailed off making a threat, but her voice was worried too. For some reason, she didn't seem to actually believe there was much of a chance it could've been Kokichi's fault.
A tense moment passed and she spoke again. "Kiibo will get him. Kiibo's strong, and… you saw his flying. They'll both make it." But he could hear the nervousness in her voice, like she was saying it in part to convince herself it was true. There was always a chance Kiibo malfunctioned, or wasn't in time, or… or something else terrible.
What if Kiibo died too? If he malfunctioned while trying to save Shuichi and plummeted along with him? Then that was two friends dead because he made a stupid mistake… again. No, they couldn't be dead. Shuichi… Shuichi didn't die. Kiibo had died, sure, but… Shuichi? He couldn't be dead. He couldn't.
Of course, when he said 'couldn't', he knew it meant he couldn't believe those things, not that they were impossible. They were very possible, and guilt and anxiety gnawed away at his very bones that such a thing could've happened. It was supposed to be perfect. He just wanted to surprise Shuichi with Kiibo… but now he knew for certain he could never earn anything he had been hoping for.
Kokichi was just the same as before. His hands may not have been dirty, but he had set the trap, even if this time it was purely accidental. He should've listened! He should've known! Again and again he had been told he was being too reckless.
He let out an involuntary hiss of pain when he felt his fingernails cut into his palm from holding on to his own hand too hard.
"Sh-sheesh! Ouma, you're bleeding! What'd you do that for?" Miu sounded all freaked out like he had just stabbed himself with a knife instead of accidentally leaving what was likely the equivalent of a few paper cuts.
Maybe someone should've stabbed him. He deserved it for being so stupid. Shuichi shouldn't have pushed him out of the way. He should've let him fall. That would've been his natural consequence for being stupid, wouldn't it have been? No, instead Shuichi made the stupid choice to save him from his own stupidity, only to make the consequences far worse than they would've been.
Miu sighed when he didn't respond, "You're such a mess. Nothing's even for sure and you're bumming me out acting like there's no way they survived. Acting like you're the one who got pushed off or something."
He scoffed and finally grumbled, "It should've been."
She groaned, seemingly standing up as she complained, "Sheesh, you're absolutely miserable." A couple footsteps could be heard, likely from her, before she let out a sigh of relief, "Get your whiny ass up, Ouma! There're right there, perfectly fine!"
Kokichi didn't do what she said, but he could tell she must've been correct because he heard the whoosh of Kiibo's boosters and the clunk of his metal feet against the concrete roof a bit away. Miu seemed to have rushed over of course, but he stayed in his little self-pity ball, eyes glued shut as if not acknowledging everything would make it as if it didn't happen. Miu was right, he was pathetic.
"Are you feeling alright to stand, Saihara-kun?" Kiibo's caring voice was loud and clear, even from being a decent distance away.
He held his breath, as if scared to hear the next man's voice. Kokichi probably was scared. He always managed to be scared of the stupidest things at the stupidest of times.
An affirmative hum came from Shuichi before he spoke, his voice still a little weak and shaky, "Y-Yeah. Just, uh, can you hold on a moment while I get my balance? I'm, uh… I'm still in shock, I think." A silent pause. "Okay, I… I'm alright. Thank you so much, Kiibo-kun. I… It was certainly unlucky we had to re-meet this way, but…" A sigh of relief. "I'd probably be… dead if you weren't here."
Kiibo responded energetically, "Well, I'm proud my robot features can be helpful, again. And… I'm so glad to be alive with everyone again. And to find out that it was partially in thanks to me, I couldn't be more grateful."
"They'll be happy to see you, Kiibo-kun," Shuichi said, sounding winded despite the slight shake being mostly gone from his voice.
The robot made an odd hum, "You know, Ouma-kun said something similar earlier. I'm glad to be able to make everyone happy if that's really what you all think is the truth."
"Ah, of course–" Shuichi responded quickly, changing the subject after, "Speaking of Ouma-kun, where is he? Is he alright?" His voice sounded near frantic. Why did he have to be so worried?
Miu joined into the conversation with one of her loud, obnoxious laughs. "Hey, don't sound so worried! The little shit doesn't have the balls to jump off! He's just sitting over there feeling sorry for himself, nothing to worry about, hah!"
Shuichi didn't give any auditory response to Miu's words, or, at least, not any Kokichi heard. Then a moment later, Miu started up a conversation with Kiibo, so it was safe to assume that Shuichi was likely walking over to check on him, because of course he was.
Kokichi, not even able to prove Miu wrong, scolded himself for acting the way he was. Get your act together, Kokichi, he thought, You've done enough damage. Get it together. So… Unable to do much in so little time, all he managed to convince himself to do was open his eyes.
The light of day was a bit blinding at first, but then his eyes focused and his view of the city and the blue sky was exactly the same as it had been before. He didn't dare look to his left where he knew Kiibo and Miu were standing, and he especially didn't dare to look toward the sound of footsteps getting nearer to where he sat a couple of feet away from the edge of the building.
As expected, a blur of dark blue and black in his peripheral vision told him that the blue-haired man had sat down beside him.
"I'm not upset, Ouma-kun." His voice spoke softly, even despite that winded sort of quality to his voice that had stuck around from just minutes before. Was his heart still pounding? Was his head still reeling? Did he feel the slight breeze in his hair and go into a slight panic as if he were falling again? "It's not your fault," he added, saying it and believing it like it was the truth.
Kokichi just hummed in acknowledgement of his words, but continued to stare blankly ahead of him. He didn't dare show his self-sorrow when it was Shuichi who fell, not him. He should've been grateful. He wanted to be grateful. Oddly enough, he wasn't. He thoroughly believed that he should've just been the one to fall. Shuichi didn't have to do something so stupid; Kokichi didn't ask for him to do something so stupid.
"If your surprise was Kiibo-kun, then… I do feel surprised, if that means anything. It's… It's certainly odd seeing him standing there looking nearly the exact same as I remember him from a year ago." There was a hint of amusement in his voice, as if he was trying to cover up the tense feeling that likely still was seeped in his bones.
Kokichi decided to comment on that. "Don't lie," he said, voice remaining as flat as his straight face. "Don't act like it didn't happen. Don't act like you weren't just about to die because I was being careless."
Shuichi took in a deep inhale, letting it out as a small sigh, "No, I… I know. I still feel that dread in my stomach, I… I was scared. My head is still…" His voice trailed off as the shakiness seemed to come back, seeming to not be able to find the words he was looking for.
The man continued after a brief moment of silence, "I know it's unfair to act like it didn't happen. I guess it's unfair to say it's not at least partially your fault, then, too. But really, I… I don't blame you too much. I could've reacted differently when I saw you slip, but… my first instinct was to push you back and pray I could keep my own balance. Clearly, I, uh… I didn't, heh."
Kokichi half-heartedly laughed, mumbling in response. "You idiot… Why'd you have to do something so risky and stupid?" It was hypocritical, he knew that, but, really, Shuichi's split-second thinking was stupid to have put his own life after Kokichi's.
Still, he knew he was right. It was unfair to completely blame himself. It was unfair to compare the situation to murder when it all was just an unfortunate series of accidents. He took a deep breath. He needed to destress, he knew that. He was a ball of nervous and uncomfortable emotions because he had begun to spiral. He just needed to ground himself, stop letting the guilt chew at his sides.
"I… I know." Shuichi said, that little bit of amusement playing in his voice again. "I'm… I'm sorry I made you have to worry for me. If the roles had been reversed, I… I probably would've felt really guilty too. I hated feeling useless, like I couldn't do anything to save anyone. If it had been you, I… Well… I want to say I would've probably kept my distance or have barely been able to say a word, but…"
To his surprise, Shuichi let out a light laugh after trailing off for a moment. "I wish I could say that truthfully, but, knowing how I've been feeling of late, I probably would've been in your face with worry the whole time when Kiibo brought you back up. I probably would've been shaking and nervous and… all that. It's kind of pitiful how terrible my worry gets sometimes."
Kokichi found himself letting out a huff of laughter. "That would've changed things a lot. Instead of you saying 'I told you to be careful,' I'd be telling you, 'I told you not to be worried.'"
"Yeah…" The man smiled, "You can tell me that right now if you want. I'm still worrying about you, even though you're sitting here alright. I've been wanting to ask if it hurt when I pushed you, but… that doesn't matter at all, does it?"
Kokichi finally looked over at Shuichi, finding the man was looking right at him with that awkward mix of amusement and worry in his creased brows and soft smile. A small grin broke onto his own face, "No, of course that doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure whatever this cement could do to me is far less extreme than what the cement at the base of the building would've done, y'know."
He shook his head, "Ah, don't joke like that. I can only take so much worry at the thought of you getting hurt in one day, heh."
Having to resort to old tactics, Kokichi scoffed and averted his eyes, shifting a bit how he was sitting, no longer holding his knees to his chest. "Then stop thinking about it… Sheesh, I'm clearly perfectly fine…"
But Shuichi didn't respond to the comment, instead he sharply inhaled in shock all of a sudden. "Ouma-kun–! You– You're bleeding!" In a panic, the man grabbed Kokichi's left arm, revealing his bleeding palm. "What happened?"
Kokichi shrugged. Weren't the four curved marks of fingernails dug into his skin self-explanatory? He hadn't realised himself that the cuts were that bad, nor that he had been bleeding that much, but, still, it was nothing compared to other injuries he had withstood before. "Hah, I didn't even notice!"
"I know we were just joking about me being too worried, but, Ouma-kun, you're bleeding! That's serious. If you didn't notice them, then that's even worse!"
He scoffed again at Shuichi's concern, taking his arm back from the man's grasp. "C'mon, I can handle a little blood. I'm not going to die. Plus, I did it to myself! Literally!" A brief moment passed before he quickly added, "And it was completely unintentional, by the way. I figured I should mention that before you start giving me that pitying look of yours."
Despite the words, a small bit of pity still found its place beside the man's worry on his face though, that had been pretty much expected. "Seriously, Ouma-kun… We should get back home. All of us. It'll be nice to return with Kiibo-kun, won't it?"
"Oh, yeah! I'm super excited for that!" Kokichi grinned, putting all the fake excitement he could manage into his words. He was almost surprised to find that his words were a complete lie. He already knew everyone would be happy to see Kiibo, he didn't need to return with him to know that. He found he didn't really want to see their happiness when they saw him. In the end, he had only really cared about Shuichi's happiness, but he had managed to mess that up already.
Shuichi smiled, falling for the act before standing up, looking back to where Miu and Kiibo stood in conversation. "Kiibo-kun, Iruma-san? Should we return home?" He asked.
Miu laughed, "Hah! Only if Ouma says we can! The only reason we haven't gone yet is 'cause he wanted to especially show Kiibo to ya', hah!"
And, with that, the other two wandered over, so Kokichi took that as his cue to stand up. He trailed after them as they started walking to the ledge they had hopped down earlier. But, of course, Shuichi staggered behind to fall at Kokichi's side.
"I didn't get a good enough look at it earlier, but it isn't still bleeding is it? I figured all the blood that was there had been there for a moment already, and I just hadn't been able to see it." He never explicitly said what he was referring to, but it was obvious he was talking about Kokichi's hand.
Kokichi just smiled carelessly, letting out a small laugh, "How am I supposed to know? Like I said, I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out, y'know!"
Shuichi shook his head and let out a sigh of disappointment. "Still? After all that you're still being so careless? If it's still bleeding after the initial wound was made several minutes ago, that can mean there's something wrong. Maybe I'm being a bit too worried, but I just want to make sure you're alright, Ouma-kun."
He didn't comment on that. He knew it was unfair to constantly act like he didn't hurt and struggle too, but… didn't he have the right to keep things to himself? He knew for a fact that there were things Shuichi was keeping to himself, like all wherever his motivation came from to be so concerned about Kokichi those past few days.
It was ever since that robot fell in the alley really.
They made it to the wall and Shuichi lifted himself over before offering a hand so that Kokichi didn't have to use the palm with the open wound. Kokichi reluctantly complied only because he knew he owed Shuichi something after everything that had happened.
Then, when they made it to the ladder, Kokichi went ahead, taking a few moments longer to climb it with only a single hand so that Shuichi didn't find some obnoxious solution instead.
Everything went fine as they headed back to the stairwell. Kokichi swore then that he wasn't going up those stairs again for at least a week with how tired his legs were from going up and back down that stairwell. Although, something told him the world would find a reason for him to have to go back up eventually.
Kokichi listened to Kiibo talk to Miu excitedly ahead of them about how huge the stairwell was and how far down they were going. ("I know you said we live underground, but I guess I didn't expect it to feel this far down!" "That's only 'cause we were up on a building, home base is probably just below the ground, hah!") It was kind of amusing, but Kokichi couldn't bring himself to join the conversation, with his guilt still holding him back.
Shuichi's insistence on keeping by his side spoke enough that Kokichi didn't really want to converse with him anyway. When they had gone up the stairs before, they had remained a fair distance apart, but, this time, Shuichi managed to stay on the same step as Kokichi most of the time if not the one ahead.
Kokichi could feel Shuichi's eyes occasionally glance over at him, but he didn't acknowledge them. It was obvious that there was so much Shuichi wanted to say, to ask about, but the man kept quiet.
When they made it to the bottom, Miu and Kiibo were already walking through the door, and they continued to walk ahead of the other two even once they entered home base. Kokichi could hear Kiibo's quiet noises of excitement as he walked next to Miu, looking around the currently empty room.
They made it halfway down the hall, near the entrance to the bathroom when Shuichi suddenly took a few quick steps to catch up with Miu, saying a small, "Hey–" to catch her attention before whispering something to her, too quiet and far away for Kokichi to catch.
"Psh, well, yeah. I was gonna anyway, hah! Don't worry 'bout that at all." That was how Miu responded before walking ahead and leaving Shuichi.
Kokichi stopped, giving the man an odd look as he asked, "What was that about?"
Shuichi scratched at the back of his head awkwardly, "Ah, just, uh, asking for a favour. Because… You figured she'd end up showing him off, didn't you? I could be wrong, but…"
Kokichi didn't know what he was trying to say, but understood well that he was trying to avoid answering the question. So he let out a small sigh as he crossed his arms, "Fine, you got me. I don't actually care at all about being there with them when she's showing him off. I don't get what that has to do with anything."
He let out a hum of understanding, answering, "Not much, to be honest. But… More reason to get those cuts taken care of right now, right?"
Scoffing, he averted his eyes, arms still crossed to his chest, "You make it sound like you plan on being the one to clean them. I can easily take care of it myself. They are from me after all… Why would you do it?"
"Do you honestly plan on properly bandaging them?"
Ah, of course, Kokichi thought, How predictable I've become with my recklessness… It's no fun when he can so easily break my argument like that. Unable to deny the claim, he smiled like he still was winning and replied, "No, but that's my own choice, y'know. Bandages are uncomfortable anyway. I can clean up my own mess, Saihara-chan."
He let out a small laugh and tried to turn around and leave the conversation, but Shuichi stopped him.
"Please, Ouma-kun?" Shuichi said his name so softly with that slight smile on his lips, and Kokichi found himself losing the ability to reject the proposal in turn.
Throwing up a grin, he replied as if unbothered, "Well, since you're just begging to be my servant and clean my bloody hand, I won't complain! One less thing I have to do myself, I suppose."
Shuichi let out a sigh of relief, saying "Thank you," as if it was really some sort of honour to be allowed to clean Kokichi's hand. He didn't understand for a second why, despite unrealistic worries of infection or whatnot, the man would so badly want to take care of him. The genuinity in Shuichi's smile only confused him further.
So, Kokichi ended up sitting on a stool in front of the bathroom sink, watching as Shuichi waited for the tap to get warm with a dry washcloth in one hand and the other placed under the stream of water to check the temperature. Eventually, he quickly retracted his hand from the water, likely meaning it had finally turned hot. Then, he dipped the washcloth under to soak it.
Even when Kokichi wanted to be annoyed by Shuichi's presence, even when he wanted to be able to not even look at him, he still found himself able to watch the man do absolutely nothing with such interest. He watched every little insignificant change in his face, every meaningless blink of his eyes, every slight rise of his chest when he took in an importantly meaningless breath—
Kokichi hated it. He hated still being so captivated by the detective. It was just another weakness to add to the list, one that had been there for longer than he liked to admit. He hated how the man's soft gaze as he reached out for Kokichi's wounded hand brought back a foolish year old feeling that sat still in his heart from when they had played the knife game.
Satisfaction.
Shuichi held Kokichi's left hand so securely, like he never planned to let go, but also loosely as if to say 'you can pull away if you want to'. Shuichi smiled slightly, making eye contact only long enough to make sure Kokichi saw the soft look on his face. Did he realise how badly he teased Kokichi with that caring look of his? Did he realise how tempting he made warmth and closeness seem? Likely not, but it still made Kokichi's heart ache all the while.
"Tell me if it stings, okay?"
Kokichi just barely nodded his head at Shuichi's request, despite knowing for a fact that he wouldn't do that at all. After all he had done that day, the last thing he would do is complain over a slight sting in the wound he caused while despairing over the accident he caused.
He brought the damp washcloth to Kokichi's skin, that look of a detective's focus clear on his face as he began to wash at the blood beginning to dry red on Kokichi's palm.
Warmth.
The warmth of the hot water that Shuichi had run the washcloth under seeped into his skin, which only complimented the warmth of the hand that held Kokichi's wrist. It was almost too much, even though… it was only his hand. Even Shuichi's warm gaze was settled on the injury on his palm. He didn't know how he had survived that embrace from only a couple nights ago. Part of him almost wanted that again.
No, he thought, I can't give in so easily. Only a touch of the hand and I already want to forget about the consequences? He scolded himself for falling into weakness so easily. The way he saw it, he didn't deserve any of the care or warmth he was receiving, not after what he did that day, not after ruining his one chance to earn his place there.
No matter how Shuichi told him it wasn't completely his fault or that it didn't matter since they both were alive and well, but Kokichi didn't feel well at all. Not internally.
Shuichi was a beautiful man with a smile that could probably kill. Shuichi's softness and worried caring was quite worth dying for. But… In Kokichi's mind, he was meant to be something so out of reach, something of a star. Shuichi was something of their leader after all he did a year ago; of course he would be close to all of them, but it just didn't feel right how close he felt then.
Kokichi realised that then. The sinking feeling whenever he indulged in this odd kindness of Shuichi's as of late, it had first happened when Shuichi had asked for that embrace, even if he hadn't completely noticed it then. Then, again, when Shuichi had sat next to him the next morning, and that very evening when they sat under the false moonlight. And, finally, he could feel it prominently as he sat there across from the man.
The sinking feeling in his stomach made it feel as if he were the one who had fallen earlier that day, made him feel like he needed to shout out for help before he hit the ground. The feeling made him feel like he was staring up at the blue sky, an outstretched hand from the top of the building becoming out of his reach quicker than he could control.
Hopelessness.
Kokichi could never hope too much, he learned that far before the words 'hope' and 'despair' became forever tainted in his mind by pink blood stains and the image of a certain black-and-white bear mascot. Why? Because with hope came that factor of uncertainty, and with uncertainty came different outcomes, and with those outcomes, there was always a worst one.
Shuichi's closeness… It was too close. Because it made Kokichi hopeful, too hopeful. He knew what the outcome would be. It would be carelessness and recklessness that could only lead to weakness and despair. That was only made evident by what had happened. Kokichi couldn't let something like that happen again.
"Alright, you can open your eyes now. It's perfectly clean, I think. Just, uh… give me a quick moment to find the bandages and I'll try my best to wrap it up, okay?"
The warmth was gone, and Kokichi only realised then he had had his eyes closed shut. Sheesh, it didn't even hurt, he thought sourly, Why'd I have my eyes closed like some sort of scared fool?
Kokichi's arm remained outstretched, resting against his knee as he watched Shuichi stand up from the stool sitting parallel to his own on the bathroom floor. Shuichi had to only look for a moment in the drawer under the sink counter to find a roll of white bandage and a gauze pad.
He cracked a grin, "Pulling out the serious stuff, huh? Y'know, Saihara-chan, a few band-aids would've worked just fine and been far less stressful."
Shuichi gave him an awkward yet amused look along with a slight smile, but let out a small sigh. "To be completely honest… trusting band-aids to work properly and fully would've stressed me more than applying this will. I've watched Tojo-san bandage a couple wounds like this over our year here, so I'm pretty confident it'll be low stress, heh."
Kokichi let out an amused huff at the mention of Kirumi, but didn't say anything about it while Shuichi took his seat across from Kokichi and took hold of his wrist again. He placed the gauze pad over where the several cuts were left in a quite convenient line, then reached for the bandage to wrap it.
"Y'know…" Kokichi started, a slight grin on his face, "You could've just had Tojo-chan bandage me, since she has experience. More than you from what you said. But… You didn't want that, did you, Saihara-chan? You wanted to be the one to bandage me, hm?"
He didn't miss the swift glance that Shuichi had made to his face before looking back down at the wound. Kokichi had hit the nail right on its head.
"And, I get it, you knew I wasn't going to properly take care of it, but that didn't mean you had to be the one to do it. Why you?" Kokichi realised how familiar the question rang only after he said it. He had asked the same thing when Shuichi had offered that embrace the other night.
Shuichi's brows furrowed a bit while he tried to remain focused on the bandage. "I care about you, Ouma-kun," he answered quite bluntly, an edge of frustration in his voice. He was… angry? For being questioned?
He hummed as if intrigued or convinced, but he pressed further, "And Tojo-chan doesn't? Well, this is certainly news to me! I thought she cared about all of us!"
The man let out a small huff, ignoring Kokichi's antagonising for a moment as he wrapped Kokichi's hand. With a slight sigh, the tension in his face softened as did his tone as he replied, "If you wanted Tojo-san to do it instead, you could've asked. It doesn't matter to me as much as you're making it seem. I was just right there beside you that whole time, okay?"
Kokichi smiled. Shuichi could've said 'It doesn't matter to me', but he had to specify as to not make it a lie. Seriously… Why did Shuichi care that it was him? But also… Why did Kokichi care that Shuichi cared about that? Shuichi's frustration was certainly interesting, though. Maybe that's why Kokichi cared, because such a display of frustration that wasn't rooted in worry was quite odd from Shuichi.
So, he backed off, but only a little bit. "Okay, okay, you're right. I was making assumptions. I should just be thankful you even can handle looking at my face after I made you fall off that building, huh?"
Again, Shuichi's brows furrowed as he let out a small sigh. "Ouma-kun… It's not like that. I told you before. I don't understand what you're trying to get me to say or do." He spun the bandage around Kokichi's hand once more, then tore it from the roll. He lightly pressed against the bandage making sure it was secure to his hand, letting out a small hum of satisfaction when he found that was the case.
"There," he said, "If it bleeds through or anything just, uh…" He looked up to meet Kokichi's eyes for a moment before looking away and trailing off. It seemed that he wanted to say 'just tell me', but had been successfully confused by Kokichi's previous words.
Kokichi grinned, "Thanks!" He genuinely meant it, and would hate to sour the display of gratitude with acting, but… He still hadn't done what he had wanted to do. So, he continued, "You really need to be smarter though, Saihara-chan."
In the middle of cleaning up the things on the counter, Shuichi shot him an odd look, awkwardly smiling, "Uh… Be smarter? What do you mean?"
He let out a loud laugh, "I mean, I've got you completely wrapped around my finger! You have no idea how many of the things that have happened that could've been easily orchestrated. It's the same as before, really… I could have you right where I want you. A few self-inflicted cuts aren't that big of a sacrifice to make you believe that everything really had been accidental."
Shuichi frowned and turned his head back to the items scattered on the counter. It was almost like… like he was choosing to ignore Kokichi before trying to respond to such a clear attempt to irritate him.
Cute, Kokichi thought, He doesn't want to accept I'm an asshole, huh? Sheesh… I have to do everything myself, again. He let out a dramatic sigh, "Your stupidity aside, though… I just want you to know you aren't allowed to bother me with worry again. I've had just about enough of that, ha!"
He stood up from the stool, walking behind Shuichi to the door, twisting the handle and only cracking the door open before he turned around to meet Shuichi's bewildered gaze.
"Sorry to disappoint you, detective, but I haven't changed at all."
Then, Kokichi left.
. . .
Two days. Kokichi gave himself two days to determine if he was really needed anymore. See, with how terribly everything went on the day of Kiibo's return, he hadn't come even close to earning his place still. Instead, he was becoming less a part of everything. (Yes, most of that was in thanks to his stubborn refusal to interact with just about anyone, but he told himself that the main reason was…)
Kiibo had practically replaced anything Kokichi could've offered the group. Kiibo gave Miu someone to be with, Kiibo was an energetic voice in the dull hours, Kiibo was an odd enough character to be amusing, Kiibo could easily foster a good relationship with any bots, and… Kiibo had even taken his place at the dinner table next to Miu.
And Kiibo was more than just a replacement, he was far better. Kiibo was happy and approachable, Kiibo was honest and didn't hide behind a million faces, Kiibo wasn't careless and reckless, Kiibo was openly supportive of Miu and everyone else, and… Kiibo didn't overreact and completely shut down, pushing everyone away after some simple accident.
Kokichi watched. He had always done that best, watching over everyone from the back, knowing that that wasn't even enough of a reason for him to stay. Shuichi had complimented him for doing such a thing, acknowledging it as a leader quality; Kokichi just laughed in his head about the idea of him ever being much of a leader.
He laughed sourly in his head at a sudden realisation. In his mind, the most influential decision as a leader he had made had been off-ing himself as a sacrifice to that damn killing game in an attempt to stop it, and he hadn't even managed to do that.
"Ah, Kiibo-kun, you are very smart! You must know this game very well!" Gonta's voice was loud and hard to miss.
The robot seemed to be a bit bashful about the compliment, but replied gratefully, "Ah, I suppose my old creator must have enjoyed these types of card games. I am thankful to have retained those memories, even if they didn't truly exist."
Kirumi hummed, "Gonta-kun, it is your turn to play."
"Oh! Alright!" He studied his hand of cards for a moment before looking up with a look of embarrassment on his face. "Gonta still is a bit confused by this game. Could Kiibo-kun help me?"
Kiibo nodded, "Well, of course! I'm happy to assist!"
Kokichi didn't even notice the sour look that had appeared on his face until he caught Maki looking at him oddly, to which he responded with an obnoxious grin in her direction before deciding to leave the room. Maki could play the role of quiet observer much better than he could, and he knew that. Yet another possible thing he could have going for him that turned out to be useless.
Shortly after he turned down the hall, he caught wind of another conversation from the living area. He stopped dead in his tracks to listen in as best he could, but it was clear the speaker was trying to keep their voice low.
"I told you, Saihara. It's not worth it," It was… Maki's voice. "It's obvious he's just the same as he was." It was clear she was talking about him, no one else would leave her voice sounding so agitated. "Don't let him get to you like that. It's probably what he wants."
He wanted to laugh at her assumptions. What he wanted? He wanted for Shuichi to get over him already, that's why he had told him to stop bothering him with worries. Shuichi had gotten far too close; Kokichi was just protecting the both of them. Although… It was probably mostly himself he was protecting. He was being selfish and foolish, he wouldn't try to deny it.
A sigh. A sigh that perfectly matched the sad look Shuichi had given him every time they had made eye contact with each other the past couple days. (Kokichi hadn't spoken to him since when he bandaged his hand; he supposed it was likely out of fear that Shuichi would find some way to make him take back what he said.)
"I know, I know… I should be smarter, I know that, but…" Another sad sigh. Of course the man was all hung up and confused about Kokichi still. Kokichi had even told him that he hadn't changed, so why doubt Maki reassuring him the exact thing? Why doubt one of his actual friends over some odd belief in Kokichi?
Maybe Shuichi was stupid. Maybe Kokichi really was wrong to look up to him like he did.
"It hurts," Shuichi continued, "I really wanted to believe—" He cut himself off. Believe what? But Shuichi clearly couldn't bring himself to say whatever it was aloud, even to his friend. "Nevermind. You're right, Harukawa-san, it's… it's not worth it."
There it was. Finally, Kokichi found himself thinking. It wasn't worth it. He was glad the man could finally accept that. It made it a bit easier on Kokichi to carry through with his plan. So, satisfied with what he had overheard, he continued down the hall to the bedroom.
Kokichi returned to an easy escape, climbing up into his bunk and grabbing his phone to drown out his thoughts with music like he often did. With his headphones on and head resting on his hands, he simply closed his eyes and let the song lyrics be the only thing he could think about.
He didn't want to think about Shuichi. He didn't want to think about Kiibo. He didn't want to think about Miu. He didn't want to think about himself. He didn't want to think about all his foolish mistakes. Letting himself think about all his emotions and true feelings would surely only drive him to madness, he often concluded.
But maybe expecting to be able to completely drown everything in music was madness too.
An irritating voice shouted over the sound of music in his ears, one he tried to ignore at first, but, after their insistent calling for him, he pulled his headphones from his ears and opened his eyes.
"Sheesh, Iruma-chan," he grumbled as he scrambled to pull the curtain open and look out of his bunk at the woman in the doorway of the room. "What do you want?"
Miu let out a loud laugh, putting a hand on her hip, "Well, firstly, I'd like it if you'd stop lying there feeling sorry for yourself for a minute! Isn't it a bit late to be going through your emo phase? Or are you just trying to be like Shit-hara? Hah!"
Kokichi, unamused by Miu's same old jokes, just frowned as he ended up sitting on the top step of his ladder. He wasn't feeling like trying to hide his anger with Miu at all; he found he didn't have much of a reason to anyway. "Okay, fine, I'm right here. Now, seriously, what do you want?"
She looked a bit taken aback by his frustration, but was quickly back to her usual act after a few words, "W-Well… You don't have to be such an asshole, y'know? What happened to you all of a sudden? Avoiding everyone, acting like we don't exist— Kiibo was trying to talk to ya' earlier and you told him ya' weren't interested in talking? What the hell does that mean? Didn't even call him 'Kiiboy' or nothing!"
He scoffed, crossing his arms, "It's none of your business, is it?"
Miu let out an annoyed sigh, "Yeah, maybe it's not, but I'm nosy as hell! So go on, tell me why you're acting all depressed all of a sudden! I thought you'd be happy once Kiibo was back, but now you're acting like you wish he wasn't."
Kokichi continued to avoid answering. "What do you care?" he asked.
She let out a groan, looking like she was about to leave for a second before crossing her arms and leaning against the doorway again. "You are absolutely insufferable when you're all sulky like this, like a little fucking toddler throwing a hissy fit. You act like you're so mature sometimes, and then you treat me like this whenever you get stuck in your little self-pity parties!"
He averted his eyes, looking at the wall opposite of her. That was possibly the closest he'd get to openly showing shame. She was right, of course. He knew it was childish and stupid to run from his problems and emotions like he was doing, but he didn't know how else to avoid things. He wasn't strong enough to face his problems like an adult, he knew that.
Miu continued, "You can act high and mighty, alright? Hell, I know I'm not one to judge when it comes to coping with… y'know… insecurity and shit… But! This is just stupid, Ouma! Just tell me if it's Kiibo that's bothering ya' or if you're still sulking about the accident, 'kay?"
Kokichi furrowed his brows. It was everything. Sure, the accident was something of a catalyst that caused him to fall out of the small hope he had had about the ideas of family and belonging that had formed in his head, but… everything was what left him like how he was.
Guilt, anger, disappointment, despair, dread— It was all of that up in his head that made him just want to do something stupid like play around on the top of a building again. He was well aware that was pathetic of him, to want to just escape and run away when things got too hard. He put himself in the situation he was in, that was always the case, but he always regretted it in the end.
Eventually, he went straight faced and just said, "It's… a lot." Then, he just stared at the floor at the bottom of his ladder.
Miu looked as if she wanted to let out another angry response to that answer, but she only let out an irritated huff before saying, "Well, maybe it wouldn't be 'a lot' if you'd talk to someone about it for once. I've whined to you about shit before, haven't I? I don't like bringing it up, but I will if it means you stop moping!"
She averted her eyes, her face and voice going a bit softer, "I mean… I haven't been greeted with a 'Hey, whore!' in three days! You'd think I wouldn't be able to miss something like that, but…" She let out another huff after trailing off.
Kokichi scoffed, "Trying to say you miss me being rude to you? You're sounding like Kiibo, tried saying it was odd I wasn't saying something like comparing him to a humanoid roomba or something…"
"That's probably because he knows that something must be wrong with ya' if you aren't saying those things! And I'm not stupid either! I know your insults and shit are just 'cause you like getting a rise outta people 'cause I do the same damn thing, and I know ya' hafta know that."
Miu was right, again. Since when was Miu right? Maybe it was because Kokichi was in such a state of wrong that it made someone like Miu look like she had sense. Still, pep talks from Miu couldn't affect him much. He still just stared blankly at the floor.
Another groan left Miu's mouth. "Tell me, what do I have to say to you to get you to get out of this stupid mood of yours? Why can't we just be in my lab doing stupid shit like we always do? What happened to change anything between us? Whatever, be depressed over your boyfriend, but how does that make you so miserable that you can't just… be like normal?"
Kokichi's eyes went a bit wide at the sudden confessions from Miu. Still staring blankly, he turned his head to look at her. She looked genuinely distressed, angry, and… sad. Over him? What was wrong with her? He scoffed again and looked back at the ground.
"You're just the same," he said. "Just as stupid as Saihara-chan."
Miu let out a defeated sigh, her arms dropping to her side as she responded sourly, "Whatever, asshole. I don't know what the hell happened to you, but… I hope you eventually get your shit together and come to your senses on your own, I guess."
Then she turned and left the room.
That was all he needed. All he needed to move on with his plan. Mentally, he crossed out the line in his plan that read something like 'get them to leave'. Now he was on to the next and last objective: 'Run away'.
Kokichi sat on his ladder for only a moment more before hopping off. Still in his possession from five days prior, he took the black jacket from where it hung on the side of his ladder and slipped his arms in the sleeves. Then, he put on his boots that were sitting next to the rest of the guy's footwear on the floor near the door.
After glancing both ways out of the doorway to check for people, he slipped out of the room to go to the end of the hall where the stairwell waited silently for him. The stairwell knew what he was there to do. He was there to run away from his problems because he was still and always a coward.
Through the doors and onto the same, stone stairs he went. Funny how he had said he wouldn't go up those stairs for another week only a couple days ago. Clearly, he had underestimated how bad his emotions would get when he had thought that. Despite everything, his ascent to the rooftop began.
.
.
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