Miu was right. He was being childish. He had known that, but it only really hit him as he sat on the edge of the building, feet dangling carelessly off. Part of him didn't even care if a sudden gust of wind caught him off guard and pushed him right over, or if some cruel person appeared for no reason other than to just shove him off the edge.
Kokichi hated the familiar ache in his chest, the ache that reminded him so much of an arrow in his back and poison in his blood. He felt no better than dead again. Of course, he had felt this throughout their year there, often just because of one odd, bad week he would spend overcome with guilt and despair, but he'd know the feeling was only temporarily there, appearing in episodes just to mess with him.
But right then… He felt it nearly as strong as he had that time a year ago. He looked down at his still bandaged hand. He hadn't deserved that bandage, he hadn't deserved anything that day. Maybe cruel karma for wanting something so selfish like to have finally earned forgiveness was why that day out of all of them had played out so terribly.
Karma was laughing at him, reminding him that what he had done was too terrible to be forgiven. It was right, and he knew that.
He wondered if karma also thought wanting to take the easy route out as he sat on the edge of the building was selfish, maybe just because of that, nothing would happen as he sat there as if in waiting.
Looking over the city, he thought about how terrible of a world they had woken up in. As much as it was better than being forced to kill each other, it was still pretty terrible. He thought about the bot preaching on the crate and bot they had spoken to at the night market. He thought about those parting words that had been a source of motivation for him in the next two days while helping Miu put Kiibo together after the months gathering parts and figuring out how to rebuild him.
"Tell them, then. If you still have that… Tell them what they are to you. Tell them you're glad to have them, before…"
Family. Such a stupid thing. In his fake memories, he knew he had had that once. He had DICE, and that was all he needed. But… He had been a kid then. He had been living in a completely different world then. What would family matter to him now? Apparently… a lot.
Kokichi couldn't explain why the idea had appealed to him so much. When he had been talking to that bot, he had thought about the eleven others he had shared a home base with at the time, but… He shouldn't have done that, he shouldn't have put that idea in his head that he would ever earn a place in their family.
He didn't belong. He didn't fit in. Being Miu's friend was the closest to that he got, but… Kiibo was a better friend for her. Kiibo would treat her better, Kiibo would make her feel less like an unwanted outsider like she probably had felt always hanging around with Kokichi.
Somehow, Kokichi didn't hate the idea of living on his own now. He had always been a child of the streets, he just belonged there. On his own, where the only person he could possibly hurt was himself and whatever idiot would actually decide to talk to him. He had only gotten a bit used to the cushier life he had had back at home base, but he'd get over it.
Either he would quickly figure out how to deal with living on the streets, or he'd die unable to get the things he needed to live. Somehow, he didn't find himself offset by either option. He kept telling himself that whatever happened would be what he deserved. Clearly, he hadn't listened to a word Miu had said about how pathetic he was being for having that mindset, that, or he just couldn't find it in himself to care.
He had always been pathetic. He had always been foolish. He had always been a bit miserable. It just took some extreme amounts of emotion-bottling for those characteristics to come out, he supposed.
Kokichi watched as the sky faded from the blue of day to the deep blue of night, leaving everything dimly lit by moonlight and the city's blue light. He had likely sat out there for hours on that building ledge, but he couldn't convince himself to leave from there. (Maybe that was because he didn't really want to leave, even though he was quite the trek away from the staircase entrance and a couple buildings removed from the one Miu's secret lab was kept in.)
He hoped that maybe he'd find himself growing tired and start to nod off, only to find he couldn't quite wake himself up enough to keep himself from accidentally slipping from his spot on the edge.
Of course, this didn't happen, and likely wouldn't happen. Miu had been right the other day when she had said he was too much of a coward to actually take his own life right there and then, but… that didn't stop his head from thinking that's something he could actually want.
The cool night air helped him clear his head nonetheless. Even if he didn't end up staying out there, even if he ended up retreating back to home base part way through the night, he was at least glad to be outside. As homey as home base was, nothing could quite replace natural moonlight and fresh, cool air.
Maybe that air would knock some sense into him if he sat out there long enough. Yeah, and… Maybe he wasn't a liar. No, he knew the air couldn't possibly change his mind, that was completely up to him, waiting for some outside force to do it would get him nowhere.
So, Kokichi, with a sudden slight change of mind, tried to talk some sense into himself in the cold night air. He tried to get himself to get over everything and not be this hard on himself. After all, he had lived for that whole year not fitting in and not earning his place, yet never kicked himself out for it, so why now punish himself?
Then he thought about Maki and Shuichi's brief conversation. "It's not worth it."
Kokichi himself had agreed, but the words still stung. The sadness in Shuichi's face the few times he had looked at him since he had bandaged his hand had stung like hell. He had done it on purpose, he had pushed the man away to keep his pain at just that, a sting, instead of the eventual heartache he'd go through when something inevitably terrible happened.
He wondered if he had ever been worth anything. Maybe… Maybe in his false memories, but… No. He had never felt worthy of anything, really. At one point, he had felt worthy of his title perhaps, but Kokichi had long felt like he had lost that.
"I'm going to need help from an experienced leader if I'm going to truly be that, huh?"
Shuichi's voice echoed in his head, along with that light amusement that had been in his tone that night. Shuichi had tried to suggest that Kokichi was a worthy enough leader to take advice from. Kokichi wondered if he had since taken that back after the rooftop accident.
"I know it's unfair to act like it didn't happen. I guess it's unfair to say it's not at least partially your fault, then, too. But really, I… I don't blame you too much."
And still… Shuichi didn't even blame him as much as he should've for it. How? How could he know that it all turned out that way because of Kokichi's carelessness and be able to genuinely say he didn't even blame him all that much? Kokichi had tried to understand it, to push it aside, but it confused him, it confused him so much.
"I care about you, Ouma-kun."
Shuichi had said it, sounding slightly angry as if… as if irritated by the assumption that he didn't. "I care about you," he had said fully truthfully. "I care about you, Ouma-kun." That stern and sure voice echoed in his head. "I care", but how could he possibly? "I care about you," but why would he ever care enough to be that sure?
"I care about you, Ouma-kun."
Kokichi grabbed his head as the phrase bounced around in his head, laughing at him, teasing him. Shuichi had cared. Shuichi had cared and Kokichi was ready to throw that away, ready to ignore every single worried word Shuichi had said and carelessly run away forever.
The voice in his head still couldn't convince him, though. If anything, the voice agitated him, making him want to just ever so slightly scooch from the edge, that would be enough to kill the awful reminders ringing in his head, in fact, that would simply kill him entirely.
"Ah, don't joke like that. I can only take so much worry at the thought of you getting hurt in one day, heh."
Another memory of Shuichi's words tried to console him. He dropped his hands from his head, but they remained balled into fists on his lap, still frustrated at the voice invading his headspace. He wanted to be angry at Shuichi's stupid worry; if it wasn't for Shuichi's worry, maybe he would've already left and been far gone by then.
A cool wind blew past, causing him to shiver. So, after hours of sitting the same, he scooted back from the edge, pulling his legs up to pull them to his chest. He was still sitting pretty close to the edge, but his whole body was directly above the roof now, so… it wasn't so easy for impulses to get the best of him from there.
Kokichi, now starting to feel chilled by the night air, foolishly thought about the day when Shuichi's odd behaviour had all started. Specifically, he thought about Shuichi's arms around him and the warmth he had felt then. Kokichi still felt he didn't deserve a second of it, but that didn't stop him from wanting it.
He wanted comfort. He wanted warmth. He wanted to rest his head once more in the crook of Shuichi's neck as if he deserved that place at all after how he still continued to be so careless, running away and thinking about 'accidentally' falling off the building. But… He felt so alone. It was all of his own accord, he knew that, but it didn't make him feel it any less.
It was better that way. It was better that he be alone. That's what he kept telling himself anyway. Of course, part of him laughed at those very thoughts, commenting on how childish he was acting, but he couldn't help it.
So… He let out a huff of laughter. It was barely audible, but… He let it improve his mood a bit. If he could just laugh at how stupid he was acting and then return to home base like nothing had happened, maybe he'd be fine living for a little while longer there despite his steadily increasing guilt.
Or… Maybe he'd just laugh at himself in his head until he had gone far too mad to ever allow himself to return to home base.
The thought itself was so ridiculous that he let out another amused hum just at that. He'd be fine. The everything that was plaguing his mind was already being stored into nice, glass bottles in his head, and once that whole process was done, he'd return and actually be able to face the others. Or at least, he hoped that was the case.
Kokichi just needed this lonely silence and cold wind for a few more hours, and then he could eventually return. It would be stupid for anyone to be there at such a late hour, plus, how would they find him anyway? He was hidden away pretty well, he thought, and the cover of night helped a little, even with the moonlight beaming down on the rooftop.
But… Of course. It seemed that karma and everything still hadn't forgotten everything. Even when he had started to calm down, even when he had started to regret and take back earlier negative thoughts… The world seemed to still be against him. Because…
Why else could someone have possibly found him?
"Ouma-kun?" The voice itself had been quiet and from quite some distance, but, in the silence that came in the dead of the night, it was easily heard.
No, no, no, Kokichi thought, shutting his eyes tight, I don't want this. I don't need this. I need to be alone, just a moment longer, please, I just wanted a moment longer! But his silent pleas were heard by nothing and no one because there was no all-knowing deity that seemed to ever care much about Kokichi.
"Ouma-kun…" The voice repeated his name in a sigh instead of a question as their light footsteps approached, footsteps that Kokichi had always found to be so… cautious, yet, completely certain all the same. It was a ridiculous assessment to make as footsteps couldn't carry personality that deeply, but…
There was only one person who could make Kokichi internally debate over such a silly thing like the personification of footsteps.
Kokichi had opened his eyes by the time that the man had sat down next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder as he tried to get a good look at Kokichi's face in the dark. Even in that dark, Kokichi could feel the warmth in his gaze. Cautiously, he looked up and met the man's eyes, despite everything inside him screaming out that he wouldn't be able to handle it. Somehow, he survived.
"Ouma-kun, I…" Shuichi said his name again, this time with a light smile and an unexplainable softness in the certainty of his voice. He said his name as if it meant so much more than just that, and Kokichi didn't understand it at all.
He could only indulge in the warmth of Shuichi's gaze for so long before he turned his head and pulled away from the hand on his shoulder. His brain ended up dropping one of the carefully sealed glass bottles in his head when the man had shown up, causing his thoughts to start polluting his mind again.
Why was Shuichi there? Why did he go looking for him? Why did he care? Why did he look so damn happy about it?
Shuichi had pulled his hand away when Kokichi shrunk from it, but his gaze still rested on Kokichi, his light smile of relief fading into worry that was clear even in the dark, illuminated by the moonlight.
"I didn't think I'd find you, to be honest." That was what Shuichi finally said when he had been sitting there for a few moments, clearly not having known what to think or say about the encounter.
Kokichi was still so caught off-guard by it, he couldn't even respond or say a word. Shuichi wasn't supposed to be there. Shuichi wasn't supposed to find him. Shuichi wasn't supposed to care enough to go searching for him. But… There he was. Undeniably there, just as undeniably beautiful he looked in the moonlight, the night breeze gently blowing through his hair. (Kokichi still wondered how it would feel. It had always looked so soft. The moonlight only seemed to further exemplify that.)
"I know you probably don't want me here. I… I'm sorry to ignore your request, but… I can't help but be worried lately."
He wanted to furrow his brows and agree with what the man said. He wanted to say that he didn't want him there at all, but deep down, hadn't that been what he was hoping for? Sitting there shivering and wishing for warmth and then… Shuichi showed up. Maybe the world wasn't as against him as he had thought.
But… No. He didn't want Shuichi there! He had run away for a reason! He had pushed the man away for a reason! Shuichi was sitting so close, Kokichi could nearly feel the warmth radiating off of him, but he didn't dare lean towards it. Why did Shuichi have to be there to tempt him like that when he was already in a weak state?
Shuichi broke him from his thoughts with a hand lightly placed on Kokichi's arm. "Can you talk to me? Just once? I swear I won't bother you anymore if that's what you want, but… I want to know. I want to know what's wrong." His curious eyes rested on him, searching for some sort of answer while all his concern and worry sat in his resting frown.
Kokichi wanted to be able to ignore him, to continue to push him away, but… it was so cold. The hand placed on his arm was so, so warm. Shuichi's eyes… Kokichi glanced over to meet them. …They were so hard to ignore.
"I'm running away." Kokichi said, letting that sit for a brief moment before staring back out over the city, his face as blank as ever.
"Oh," Shuichi said in reply like it was the most normal thing, but then he pulled his hand away and stared out over the city as well. He must've been thinking, thinking of what to say.
Kokichi spared a glance in his direction to look at that deep, thinking face of his. It always made him just look so smart, even if Kokichi found himself doubting that quality lately. His knitted brow and concentrated frown highlighted those searching eyes as he tried to connect all the little dots in his head to make any sense of a picture, but, when his face softened and he met Kokichi's gaze, he still looked lost.
"Did… Did something happen?"
He averted his eyes again. Shame. He hated being confronted like this. He could sit silently in his guilt just fine, he had been doing it for a year, but shame made him want to shrink away and never speak again. He was ashamed to have Shuichi worried that something serious happened, when all of this was just Kokichi's delayed overreaction to what had happened days ago.
Shuichi let out a small sigh, cracking a slight, awkward smile afterwards, "It's still me, isn't it? That's alright. You can tell the truth. You can tell me how irritating I am and how I'm being bothersome and won't stop fussing over you. I… I deserve that, heh."
Kokichi somehow found it in him to let out an amused scoff at the man's words. Why did he have to be so stupid? Blaming himself for Kokichi's childish behaviour? Why would that make any sense at all? "No, you don't," he said. "It's not you." The latter statement was partially a lie, but… In the end, it was the truth. Shuichi had been involved a bit, but it all came down to Kokichi's immature way of dealing with his emotions and issues really.
"Ah… Really?" The detective seemed surprised and even a bit sceptical, but, for whatever reason, he believed Kokichi without much consideration. "I suppose after what you had said the other day, I just… I thought I had overstepped a boundary and… and that that was why you've been basically in hiding for the past couple days," he explained.
After a pause, he continued, "I'm glad if that's not the case, then. I know how it can be when people overstep boundaries, bother you when you need to be alone, constantly invading… I don't want to invade you with my worry, I'll… I'll work on getting better."
Another amused huff left Kokichi's nose; the only sort of mask other than the blank one that he could bother to put up then was to show amusement instead of shame. "You never did that. Even when I was telling you that you were being too much, you… you weren't really. I just… wasn't used to it. Didn't understand it. Plus, I… I was being careless. I only ended up proving you right."
"Okay," Shuichi said after a brief pause. "Thank you for telling the truth."
Kokichi shot an odd glance at the phrase. He wanted to laugh and call Shuichi stupid for saying such a thing. Telling the truth? How could he possibly know he was doing that? What? Just because he didn't have some over the top grin on his face or a joking tone in his voice? He could easily fake how he was speaking then, Shuichi had to know that, but…
"Sorry," Shuichi said with a little chuckle leaving his mouth, "I know, I know— You're a liar and I shouldn't be so stupid as to trust you so easily. I know that. But… I'm friends with Akamatsu-san and Momota-kun, you should know that. They… They've rubbed off on me a bit. I don't need to be so cynical all the time like you, heh."
Ouch, he thought, but he couldn't deny it. He was cynical, too cynical most of the time. Shuichi was… Well, Shuichi was probably right to put that quality down. Kokichi was glad if that was the case then. He could remember a time when Shuichi himself was a bit too cynical, talking about all the things he had learned being a detective. He was glad, he supposed, that Shuichi's only stupidity now was some slight blind trust and saviour complex he had picked up from Kaede and Kaito.
Now with a slight smile on his face, Shuichi let out a soft sigh as he continued speaking, "Despite what Harukawa-san says, I…" He trailed off, as if considering whether he should say what he wanted to say or not, but he seemed to decide in favour of speaking as he turned to Kokichi, putting his hand on the aforementioned's arm again.
"I want to trust you, Ouma-kun."
Kokichi's eyes lit up in shock, but he still smothered all the emotion that threatened to take over his face as he quickly turned his head away and pulled his arm out from under Shuichi's hand. "Don't be stupid, Saihara-chan," he grumbled, anger threatening to show itself on his face.
How could Shuichi just come here and say such things? With that stupidly certain detective's voice of his and genuine soft smile on his lips… How could he just reject all Kokichi's efforts to push him away just to say he wanted to… to trust him? It made all of Kokichi's efforts over the last few days completely worthless if the detective was just going to break into his heart anyway with wishes of truth and trust.
"I… I suppose I can't help it," Shuichi said in reply. "I don't mind that it's stupid at all. I… I know I can be smart, so… I'm allowed to be stupid sometimes, right?"
How ridiculous. Kokichi wanted to laugh, but he also wanted to get up and walk away. What had gotten into Shuichi as of late? Seriously. It had bothered him ever since it started, but it was only getting worse. How could Shuichi sit so close to him when he wanted to be alone and then so adamantly say he wanted to trust Kokichi? Kokichi didn't understand at all.
Shuichi definitely noticed the sour reaction from Kokichi, and apologised. "Sorry, I… My mouth seems to always run like this when it's late. It doesn't mean I'm lying, but… it's probably a lot, sorry."
It was a lot, but Shuichi couldn't even lie for a second and say he was getting ahead of himself and just bluffing. No, of course, his sweet drowsy words had to be so truthful. Kokichi tried to be angry at him, he really did, but he knew that was unfair. What kind of idiot got angry over words of trust? Wasn't trust supposed to be a good thing?
Kokichi had always found he trusted Shuichi. He knew it was stupid, but no matter the moments he regretted it, he still trusted Shuichi. He hated it right then, he hated that he knew Shuichi wasn't trying to play with him as much as it felt like he was. He hated that he trusted every truth Shuichi said. He hated that he wanted to trust Shuichi with his hand every time he reached his own out, even though Kokichi would always deny it anyway. He hated that sometimes… he wanted to trust Shuichi with his heart, too.
"Why?" The mutter came out of Kokichi's mouth before he could make much sense out of it at all.
Shuichi blinked in shock, letting out a confused, "Huh?"
A sigh left his mouth before he could even elaborate on the question. "What do you gain from coming out here? What do you gain from talking to me? What do you gain from telling me all of these things?"
He hummed in understanding, that deep thinking look falling over his face again as he likely thought of how to answer. He looked down at his hands then back out at the city, his gaze wandering about like it tended to do when he thought about certain things. Kokichi could see all the little cogs spinning in his head plastered on his face, he was easy to read in that way, but, for the life of him, Kokichi couldn't even begin to guess what Shuichi's answer could possibly be.
Eventually, Shuichi opened his mouth, only to close it a moment later without saying a word. He tried again, only getting out an, "I…" as he often did when struggling to speak. But after a moment and a deep breath he finally seemed able to fully answer.
"I don't want you to think you're alone anymore, nor do I want you to think you have to be. All I can think about is how you reacted in the game when everything went bad… You just lied and then hid away when you were confident we thought you were being sincere with your talk of being the ringleader. You did everything in the shadows, alone. I didn't even realise it until we saw your… your room."
Again, Kokichi could only feel shame at the mention of his childish behaviour in the game, at the comparison to how he was behaving now. Shuichi was right. He was acting just the same as he had been then. But… The mention of his old room in that stupid fake school brought back memories of late nights spent collecting materials, evidence, staring at his white-board as he chewed on the cap of a dry-erase marker held in his hand.
'Trustworthy?' he had written under a photo of Shuichi, separated from the photos of the rest of the class. Shuichi had always been different from the others, no matter how much the boy in the bland uniform and emo cap wanted nothing more than to avoid standing out.
He let out a huff of amusement at the memory of all the things in his room. He found himself specifically amused by the memory of Rantaro's wax effigy hanging upside down from the ceiling next to his bed. (Strangely enough, it had brought him an odd comfort during some of his loneliest nights in that dull, messy room.) Still… It was a bit odd to know that Shuichi had seen his room. He hadn't even given it much of a thought when he was considering what would happen after his death; he just thought it'd be locked away and forgotten like everything else.
With his mood momentarily boosted by his amusement at the memories, Kokichi cracked a grin, although a bit half-hearted, and jokingly asked, "You're meaning to tell me that we've lived together for a year and I'm just now finding out that you, Harukawa-chan, Yumeno-chan, Kiiboy, and that blue bitch were snooping around my room after I died? Or… Was this something you did after every death that you never told anyone about? How disrespectful, Saihara-chan!"
Shuichi shook his head with amusement, letting out a small chuckle, "No, no, it's not like that at all. We only looked in yours because we thought that maybe… maybe there'd be clues about the ringleader, since… you seemed to know much more than we did at the time. You always seemed to know more, and I still can't figure out if that had been a part of your act or thanks to your talent."
He scoffed, "Sheesh, with the talk of my talent again… My talent doesn't mean anything, Saihara-chan. I'm not like you, I don't have a purpose at all."
After a brief moment, the man just let out a small sigh. "I don't think that at all. You do a lot more than you realise. I've… I've taken tips from you, admittedly. I used to question if you were lying about your talent during the game a lot, but… after a lot of thinking, I think I've found you really did earn that title. Just like I eventually realised that I… that I earned mine."
More annoying, sweet words. Kokichi just scoffed again, not knowing what he was supposed to say back to that. Now Shuichi was getting all sappy again, he didn't think he could handle much more of it before he actually stood up and took his leave, even if that was just to run ahead back to home base.
"I understand being sceptical. Especially now that we know they were fake. But… We still have that knowledge in our minds, don't we? All the skills and knowledge that made us truly able to believe we did have those talents. Or, at least in my case, mostly believe. So… You shouldn't put your talent down, not too much anyway."
Kokichi continued to refuse to look at Shuichi and that soft, warm look he knew must've been on his face as he rambled quite drowsily. Shuichi was right about saying he ran his mouth when it was so late, how much of his thoughts he was sharing was odd for quiet and hesitant Shuichi. Not to say he was no longer either of those things, but he supposed it's what Shuichi had said the morning after the night market.
"Sorry if that was… uncalled for, I, uh… I was really tired and… Heh, you have to know about how impulse control is only worse the later it is, right?"
Impulse control. Was that really all there was to blame for his odd sappiness as of late? If so… impulse for what exactly? To randomly open his heart to Kokichi? To be naive and stupid and start believing the dumbest things? To play with Kokichi's heart with little remorse? (Yes, he was well aware that that last one was a quite melodramatic, but it still bothered him.)
Another reason he couldn't stand to listen to Shuichi's thoughts now was because he had a feeling it would be just like with that embrace where Shuichi would apologise for his 'impulse control' the next day and never speak of it again. Then again, Kokichi had never tried bringing it up because he, too, was embarrassed about the whole thing.
In the end, Shuichi's words would just give him stupid false hope that would only let him down.
So… He made up his mind. It was a bit sudden, he knew that, but he stood up and announced, "I'm leaving now." He didn't say anything about where, but he supposed that, from his earlier claim of running away, Shuichi had quickly come to the conclusion that Kokichi was leaving leaving.
"Ah, wait–!" Shuichi scrambled to his feet, ending up unintentionally blocking Kokichi's path, "Are you… Are you really going to run away?"
Despite that not even being what he was planning to do anymore, Kokichi was slightly annoyed by the question and crossed his arms as he retorted, "What would you care if I did? It's my choice, Saihara-chan. If I feel out of use and out of place, isn't it better I try to find my own place? Are you really going to stop me from doing what's best for me?"
A sad look fell on his face. "No," he sighed, "I won't stop you. If that's what you need, then… don't let me stop you."
Kokichi scoffed, "What? So after all that, you don't even care if I go? What's the purpose of even being here then, huh?"
Shuichi's brows furrowed as a serious expression crossed his face. "That's not what I said, Ouma-kun. I… I do care, but that's not what matters. It's your choice. If… If alone time is what you need then I have no right to stop you."
So contradictory. If Shuichi felt it was really 'his choice' and all that, why was he there? To say 'goodbye'? To wish him well on his travels and good luck on finding somewhere else to live in the mess of a city they lived in? It was almost like… Well, as soon as Kokichi thought of it, he realised how obvious it was.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asked it as if believing the man would say 'yes', but he knew better.
Shuichi's mouth opened and closed as he hesitated to answer. But he didn't have to say a word, his eyes confirmed everything. His eyes said it so loudly, it was almost as if he had actually responded. 'No,' they seemed to say, 'I don't want you to leave at all.' But… even after hesitating, he didn't voice that answer.
"Does it matter what I want? I… I want the best for you, Ouma-kun, but… I don't know what that is. You would know better than I would. If a break is what you need, then… so be it." Those words sat in the air for a moment before Shuichi finally gave in to his true feelings. "But… no," he said a bit quieter, "If it truly matters how I feel, then… No, I don't want you to leave."
Kokichi scoffed again, a sour tone settling over his voice as he replied, "Why? Shouldn't you be glad I'm leaving? I don't add anything good to the group. I'm not needed anymore. Kiiboy's back, and he's done more than well to replace me."
He hadn't meant for his true feelings to come out like that and to come out so sourly, but Shuichi's false worry, false care, false hope— It was really getting to his head. Maybe he really should actually leave. He couldn't stand the look of sadness on Shuichi's face, it made him feel more guilty than anything else.
"Ouma-kun…" Shuichi let out another sigh; his pity, concern, and worry were clear on his face as he struggled to respond. Why did he always have to say Kokichi's name like that? So softly, like he was speaking of something precious to him. It only made Kokichi more confused and agitated.
In Shuichi's hesitation to voice his response to Kokichi, Kokichi spoke up again. "I'm done, Saihara-chan. I don't understand what's wrong with you as of late, but… I'm leaving." He took a step forward despite the panic that arose in Shuichi's eyes at his words.
Shuichi simply stood in defeat upon the stone roof, clearly not planning on stopping Kokichi, despite everything in his eyes saying he wanted to. With a sigh of regret, he just said, "I'll miss you." But the way he said it wasn't even in a way that was meant to guilt Kokichi, it was simply a truthful parting.
Kokichi nearly laughed at the words, letting out a sour, "I don't know why you would," as he motioned to take a step forward, finally walking right past Shuichi and away from the building edge. But he was stopped dead in his tracks before he could do such a thing.
Shuichi hadn't stopped him physically. No, because of course Shuichi wouldn't do such a thing. Shuichi, in the clear state of panic on his face, had been clearly fumbling on what words to say, but hadn't managed to get much out at all as his eyes darted wildly to try and think of something.
It all happened in a near split second, and Kokichi didn't even think he had heard a word at all at first, instead, he had stepped back, unable to make sense of the phrase that had left Shuichi's mouth amidst the panic on his face.
He took another step back as his mouth fell open. "You… You what?" Kokichi hadn't even wanted to ask really, because his mind had immediately removed the words from his head, knowing he wouldn't be able to process them at all.
Shame fell over Shuichi's face as he glanced away briefly. "No, I… I shouldn't have said that. I mean it, I do, but… I know I have no right to bring up such a thing right here, right now. I said I wouldn't stop you, so… forget I said anything. It doesn't matter anyway."
Shuichi's avoidance of the question didn't help. Kokichi could feel panic rising in his chest, like part of him had clearly heard well what Shuichi had said while the other remained nearly oblivious. He shook his head, "No… Tell me. Tell me what you said." He demanded it, despite the sudden lack of breath in his lungs and panic in his head.
"I…" Shuichi looked at a loss for words, as if unsure to answer when Kokichi looked so mad all of a sudden. "I'm sorry. I really am, I know I shouldn't have…" He tried to meet Kokichi's eyes, but was only met with panic and confusion. "Did you… Did you honestly not hear?"
Kokichi remained still and silent. He had heard it. He knew he had heard it. But the words were lost to him, as if completely meaningless, as if Shuichi had spoken in a completely different language. He gave a stiff nod, not even fully of his own control.
Shuichi bowed his head in shame for a moment, before again meeting Kokichi's eyes. "I… I think…" Shuichi's face went flush with colour that was clear even in the moonlight. "I think I've… fallen for you, Ouma-kun."
Everything was drowned out in the panic in his chest. His head began to shake as if denying Shuichi's words. It was wrong. It was so terribly wrong. More wrong than everything else Kokichi had chosen to ignore out of disbelief. The words… How foreign they sounded, how completely stupid they sounded.
Kokichi was pretty sure that the man went back to saying soft, shameful apologies when Kokichi could only respond with panic and confusion and the shake of his head, but he hadn't even really heard them. He had forgotten where he was, why he was there, he had forgotten everything else.
He took a step back, his head still shaking, his heart beating suffocatingly loud in his chest. He continued to shake his head in denial as he took another step back, and another, and—
"Ah, Ouma-kun!" Shuichi cried out, but the sound was drowned out by the whooshing of air in Kokichi's ears.
As if by some cruel act of the same karma that had brought Shuichi there, Kokichi had, in his panic, unknowingly stepped backwards right off the edge of the building, because… of course he had.
This is it, he thought. Despite the panic, despite the confusion, despite everything, a sense of relief washed over him as everything sunk beneath him. For a moment, he actually thought it'd be over and he wouldn't have to spend a second thinking about a word that Shuichi had said, much less those words about… falling.
But Kokichi barely even had begun to fall when everything uncomfortably halted. He opened his eyes, looking up. Two hands held tightly onto his wrists and two panicked eyes looked into his own. His breath quickened as he glanced down and saw nothing but the side of the building and emptiness below his black boots hanging useless.
What have I done? That was the last coherent thought that rang in his head as his pounding heartbeat and inconsistent breaths took over his senses. He was going to die. For real that time. He was going to fall. He was going to die. He was dead. The hands that were holding up his wrists would eventually slip. He was going to fall. He was going to be dead.
"...! Ouma-kun! You have to focus on my voice, alright? Ouma-kun? Hey, can you focus on me?"
The voice was muffled under the pounding in his head, but he tried, he tried to listen to it. He knew that voice. He knew that panic. He knew that worry. (Kokichi's only saviour… Did Shuichi feel any pride in being that? Is that why it was always him?) Kokichi opened his eyes, despite the fear that had him in a chokehold, and he looked up at the man who held so tightly onto his wrists, as if afraid to lose him.
"It's going to be okay. I'll… We can do this, alright? You have to try to get control of your breathing just a bit, okay?"
Kokichi shut his eyes again, trying to focus on his breath, trying to do as Shuichi said. His body shook with each breath, his heartbeat hammering so fast that he swore it'd explode. He tried to focus on his breath, he did, but the feeling of nothing under his feet kept the panic pounding in his head.
"Ouma-kun. Can you… Can you look at me?"
He did as he said, trying to avoid the temptation to glance down as if checking if the ground had managed to get any closer. A shaky laugh left his mouth with an exhale as he fumbled on the words, "Well… Isn't this awfully familiar?" He joked as if that would hide the nervousness in his breath, the fright in his eyes, or the manic trembling of his voice.
"Now's not the time for that, Ouma-kun… Tell me, how does the side of the building feel? If you can get a good enough boost from there, I could pull you up easily."
Kokichi didn't even try to test the side of the building as Shuichi was suggesting. Part of him… didn't want to. He had slipped and fallen, so why… why hadn't he fallen? Why couldn't that have just been it? Why was he still hanging suspended from the fall? Couldn't that just be it? Couldn't he just get what he deserved for being careless? That hope to just let go must've been clear in his eyes, because…
"Ouma-kun?" It was said so softly, how did Shuichi always manage to say his name so softly?
Another shaky exhale as he tried to keep his breath under control. "Saihara-chan… Just let go. I deserve this. Let go."
But this request only made Shuichi tighten his hold on his wrists and furrow his brows. "No dice, Ouma-kun. I'm not going to just let you fall. I'm giving the favour back… You saved me, I'm saving you." His voice was more certain than anything, even with the nervous shake behind it. And, despite the undeniable panic in his eyes, they were sharp with dedication.
Shuichi wasn't going to let go.
Kokichi didn't really understand it, but that thought changed his mind. He was glad. He didn't want to die, no matter how much his cowardice thought that might be the better way to go for a moment. Clearly, the pounding in his head didn't like the idea of him dying either.
So, still struggling with his overbearing heartbeat, he tried to get a footing on the side of the building like Shuichi had asked. The stone of the building was rough enough that his foot actually stayed on the side for the moment, but then it slipped right after, sending that sense of panic back through his body.
"There's a bit of traction, right?"
Kokichi let out a shaky, "Yeah." He had been hoping it wouldn't come out so pathetic sounding, but he supposed there was nothing he could really do about it since, y'know, he was hanging off the side of a building and all that.
"Okay, so, if I try to pull you up, you can use that to help, right?"
He didn't say anything, instead hesitating on an answer. His head was clouded with worry… What if he slipped and the sudden weight took Shuichi off-balance too? He didn't want anything to happen to Shuichi, more than he cared for his own life. Shuichi was much more important than that, much more important than him. The worry must've been obvious in his eyes.
"Nothing bad is going to happen. I'm going to get you up and over this ledge, alright?" Shuichi tried to smile, despite his own worry creasing his face and flooding his voice. "Do you trust me, Ouma-kun?"
They really had switched places from the last time. The curious thought had been in the back of his mind, but the familiarity only grew with that question being aimed at Kokichi this time. Before, Kokichi had asked Shuichi, and the man had said 'yes', because of course he had, but… Kokichi hesitated.
Kokichi's trust for Shuichi had always been a question, never a direct answer. How could he ever trust anyone? He was always sceptical and cynical, for putting trust in someone could hurt. Trust was an important thing, something that had to be earned, yet so many in their group seemed to treat it without repercussion.
But… He looked up at the beautiful man and his concern-filled face, hands still tight on Kokichi's wrists to keep him from falling. Shuichi said he trusted him. Shuichi said he cared for him. Shuichi wasn't going to let go.
Kokichi finally took a hold of the other's wrists, securing their connection. Then he finally responded, admitting what he found to be completely the truth. "More than anything."
Shuichi gave him a brisk nod, fixing his own hold of Kokichi's arms. He took a deep breath to prepare himself, then… He pulled. The man was strong, at least far stronger than Kokichi ever was, so he was much more capable of lifting Kokichi up than the other way around, especially since Kokichi was far lacking in weight in comparison.
Still, he struggled on his own.
Kokichi tightened his hold of Shuichi's arms as he tried to reach the building side with his boots, trying to get any sort of support from the rough stone that made up the wall. Once he had been able to get enough of a grip to support some of his weight that had previously been completely in Shuichi's hands…
That feeling of falling was completely gone as he was pulled over the edge with a surprising amount of force. Still, he was stuck in a sort of paralysis, not even quite able to acknowledge the fact that he was on stable ground again, propped up by his shaking knees and his head having fallen into what was likely Shuichi's chest.
Relief washed over him as he closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath. It was over. He was safe. He wasn't going to fall. Everything that had been in his head before the fall was gone as all he could feel was his heartbeat starting to regulate and the rising and falling of Shuichi's chest.
He was alive. Nothing else even mattered. He was alive and safe. And… Shuichi was there.
Only when the pounding of his heart was near back to normal did he use his hands to prop himself up, pulling his head from Shuichi's chest, only to be met with Shuichi's relief-soaked face and the sight of the… compromising position they had ended up in.
Breath still heavy, Kokichi grinned teasingly down at Shuichi, whose head lay against the ground between the two hands that were propping Kokichi up, and joked, "Well… This is a bit awkward, huh?"
Shuichi didn't remove his hands from where they still held tightly onto Kokichi's wrists, not right away. Instead, he chuckled softly first, wearing the same smile of relief, "That doesn't matter… I don't even care about that at all." A moment passed and that's when he let go of Kokichi's arms, only to take Kokichi by surprise and pull his head back down to his chest in an embrace.
Completely embarrassed, Kokichi could only let out a response of faked annoyance, "Sheesh, Saihara-chan… You could at least wait until we aren't stuck in such a position before you sob all over me…" He had been completely joking about the sobbing part, but when he pulled his head back up he could notice moonlight glinting off tears only beginning to well in the corner of Shuichi's eyes.
Shuichi pulled himself out from underneath Kokichi, sitting up as Kokichi did the same. He averted his eyes bashfully, responding, "Sorry, I… I'm just… I'm so sorry." He lifted a hand, rubbing at one of his eyes before meeting Kokichi's expectant gaze. He just stared back for a moment, before questioning, "What is it?"
He could feel his face go a little warm, a bit annoyed that Shuichi hadn't asked yet. Kokichi hadn't said anything against the man's embrace itself, after all… "C'mon," he prompted, "I know you want to ask. Ask me." They were sitting plenty close enough, not that they seemed to care much about where they sat right then, so long as it was away from the edge.
The man blinked, mouthing an 'ask you?' before it seemed to click in his head. Just as it had happened that night several days ago, Shuichi's arms had asked the question just moments before the words came out.
"Do you want—?" But Shuichi was cut off by Kokichi moving forwards and inviting himself into the man's arms. "Oh— Okay, well… I… I know that answer then," he left out a soft chuckle as he wrapped his arms around the other, gladly accepting the embrace.
Kokichi snickered from where his head rested on Shuichi's shoulder, "Do you now, Mr. Detective?"
Shuichi hummed affirmatively as he nestled his head next to Kokichi's, also securing his arms around him, as if… as if never wanting to let go.
He found himself glad the man couldn't see his face, because he was sure it was flush with colour. Shuichi was just… too much. Or… dangerously close to that. Kokichi's heart was weak enough already from how he had been mentally tearing himself apart before and then from the panic that had taken over, but to be held by Shuichi so tenderly… it was enough to break his heart.
But… There was something so… so safe about the comfort of his warmth, like… like so long as Shuichi was there… Kokichi would never have to hurt again. Or at least, he could forget the scars on his heart, even if just in that moment. Maybe… Maybe that's what trust was, he realised. Maybe it was because he trusted Shuichi's arms to protect him, for Shuichi's warmth to heal him, despite how ridiculous that sounded.
Still, part of him was scared of the closeness and the open admission in his head that he truly felt he trusted Shuichi, but, when he felt Shuichi's breath in his hair and the mindless brushing of his thumb on his back, he was able to forget that fear for a moment, a moment long enough to realise he wasn't so scared of Shuichi, how could he have ever been?
Kokichi closed his eyes and tightened his arms as if he would never have to let go. Just a moment. He just needed a moment. A moment to believe that he could stay forever as he was, and never have to go through anymore pain ever again. He knew that was impossible, but if he could feel like that for even just a moment… then he could die happy.
"I'm so sorry," Shuichi said, his voice nearly a whisper in the silence of night. "I… I know it's a lot, everything that's gone wrong, me acting like this… You don't deserve to be overwhelmed or… or scared like this, I'm… I'm sorry."
He couldn't think of anything clever to say in response, and… there was nothing much he could say. "Okay." That was the phrase he ended up choosing in response after a moment of not being able to say anything. He wanted to be upset with the apologies, but he realised they weren't even completely for Shuichi's actions. No, Shuichi was simply expressing sympathy as well.
Kokichi didn't even quite know what to think of it. 'Overwhelmed'? That was… That was definitely what it was. It was all those bottles in his head, all those feelings he didn't dare show, all those difficult topics he avoided so he didn't have to think about them… everything. And… 'Scared'? Somehow, he always was.
How could Shuichi know? How could he know about all that? Did he know? Or was he clueless, yet still holding onto Kokichi in the hope it would comfort him anyway? Is… Is that what Shuichi was trying to do? When he went searching for Kokichi, when he wanted to be the one to bandage his hand, when he offered that embrace days ago… Was that supposed to be… comfort? Was he… trying to help?
It all made sense, he supposed. Even if Kokichi couldn't make sense of why the man would want to burden himself with that extra worry and responsibility. Though… Maybe it was that leader quality Shuichi kept saying he was trying to have. And… Maybe it was that 'falling' thing Shuichi had said before Kokichi literally fell.
No matter what it was… Shuichi was there anyway, because… of course he was.
The night breeze passed through, and for the first time since before he fell, it sent a shiver down Kokichi's spine. He hadn't been able to care about the cold when he hung from the building, but now as the panic had been long gone, the cold started to seep into his skin, even with Shuichi's warmth.
And… For the first time that evening, he started to feel his eyes grow heavy with tiredness as the mental and physical exhaustion started to kick in. He knew it must've been quite late. So… Hesitantly, Kokichi gradually loosened his hold on Shuichi and, as he had before, brought his hands to Shuichi's chest to push himself away from the man.
They shared a silent gaze, frozen for a moment as they were, sitting on the cold concrete roof, hands still lingering on the other as if hesitant to leave. Then, Shuichi smiled awkwardly as he often did.
"We… We shouldn't stay out here any longer."
Kokichi let out a huff of amusement, "Took you long enough to get the hint, detective."
They both dropped their hands from where they had remained on the other, but Shuichi reached for Kokichi's hand when he stood up to bring the other up with him. Kokichi considered pulling his hand away as soon as he stood, but Shuichi's eyes met his in a silent question, one that Kokichi had turned down every other time he had been asked.
He smiled sleepily up at that soft, moonlit face and let Shuichi lace his fingers between his own as they finally began to walk back in the direction of home. He supposed he could trust Shuichi with his hand for then.
In sleepy silence, they eventually made it to the staircase entrance. The dull, white lighting of the staircase was so hazy that night. Maybe it was because Kokichi was so unbelievably tired, but everything looked so fake and dreamlike. He had felt it faintly out in the moonlight, but under the artificial light, he felt it even more.
He looked down to his hand entwined in Shuichi's. Was it even real? For some reason… It didn't even feel real. But… Kokichi didn't dare say a word of such nonsensical worry out loud, not yet. If he recognised it as a dream… wouldn't that just end it?
Kokichi struggled to keep his eyes open and, embarrassingly, kept stumbling over his steps and accidentally leaning towards Shuichi as he tried to keep his balance in the haziness and drowsiness. Shuichi would softly chuckle at this, murmuring something about 'being careful'.
When they made it through the stairwell doors and back to home base, Shuichi told him that he should get changed first so that he could go to bed sooner, and Kokichi accepted, having to, reluctantly, let go of Shuichi's hand to grab his chequered pyjamas from the bedroom. Everyone was sleeping soundly, he could tell. Maybe… Maybe tomorrow he'd speak to them.
Leaving his jacket and scarf behind, he grabbed his pyjamas and left the room to go across the hall and change. He was able to do so pretty quickly and ended up leaving soon after, though not before looking in the mirror to try and figure out if it really was a dream. It was nonsensical, he knew that, but… he still didn't fully believe it was real either.
Shuichi was waiting with his own pyjamas in hand, leaning against the hallway wall. When Kokichi exited, he gave him what looked like a parting smile and said in his hushed, sleepy voice, "Sleep well, Ouma-kun. I'll… I'll see you in the morning, hm?"
Kokichi just stared back for a moment, as if trying to examine Shuichi's face and words for any sign that it was fake at all, but, of course, he didn't find anything of the sort. All he found was that same warmth in his eyes and smile that still persisted from earlier.
He cracked a drowsy grin, replying, "I don't see why you wouldn't."
An amused huff left the man before he briskly nodded then went into the bathroom to change.
Kokichi knew he was supposed to return to the bedroom and climb up into his bunk to sleep, but he found himself hesitating there in the hallway. If he went to sleep like he always did, how would he know when he woke up there that any of that had been real? Still, his mind was fixated on that nonsensical possibility that everything was made up, and that he had simply fallen asleep while listening to his music earlier.
He could find no other explanation for Shuichi's confession, no other explanation for Shuichi's embrace, no other explanation for Shuichi's hand. It's not that he wanted it to be fake, but… it made no sense to be real. (Though, if it was real, he knew they were going to have to have quite the serious conversation in the morning.)
Eventually, the door to the bathroom opened and Shuichi stood in his striped pyjamas, looking oddly at Kokichi still standing in the hall. "Is… something the matter?" he asked.
Now that Kokichi had the chance to say something about his worries, he found himself frozen, feeling quite silly to even make such a complaint. Part of him also felt… he didn't want to be alone. He stared down the hall where the empty, dimly lit living area could be seen. Then he gazed back at Shuichi's confused, analysing eyes.
"Can we stay together? Just for tonight?"
Shuichi only looked confused for a moment longer, before he seemed to figure it out, letting out a sleepy hum. "I suppose there are blankets and such out in the living area, huh?" He thought for a moment about the question when Kokichi didn't correct him on his assumption, then answered, "Okay. I don't mind."
So…
Kokichi ended up curled up in a chair and under one of the few blankets that were often just draped over the backs of various pieces of furniture in the room.
He realised, as he watched Shuichi settle into the chair adjacent to his, that they were in the same chairs that they had had that late night conversation in after Kokichi had gotten back late from working on Kiibo with Miu all day. He wondered if his head had subconsciously picked those chairs on purpose. Although, it was no wonder if how they had ended up laying facing the other was just coincidental… it very much wasn't.
"Ouma-kun?" Shuichi's voice spoke softly over the silence, a sleepy frown resting on his face as his head lay against the back of the chair.
Kokichi opened his eyes, slightly lifting his head to meet the other's gaze as he hummed in response to the call.
The man averted his eyes for a moment, the colour on his cheeks becoming apparent even in the dim light. He was hesitating, like he kept doing, but, even so, he ended up reaching a hand out from under the blanket he was wrapped in, resting his arm on the arm of the chair so his hand hung in the empty space between their two chairs.
"Could I… Could I hold your hand again, Ouma-kun?"
Kokichi let out a small huff of amusement, smiling as he looked away from Shuichi's warm gaze. "Sheesh, Saihara-chan…" He teased, keeping his voice quiet as the other had been doing, "I still don't understand this change of yours at all. So sappy… wanting to hold my hand while we're trying to sleep…" Despite his words, though, he reached out his bandaged hand to hold onto Shuichi's lightly.
Shuichi softly chuckled, "Sorry… I… I just want you to know I'm here, I guess. I… can't act like I know exactly why you ran away, but… If it's because you feel alone at all… I don't want you to think that anymore." He spoke hesitantly and carefully, as if trying to avoid saying anything too shocking, though part of it was likely due to the drowsiness clear on his face.
Kokichi blinked sleepily as he tried to figure out what to say, but, again, he was at a loss of words that he felt he was able to say. Part of him wanted to just open up his caged heart and break some of those bottles that contained all those lonely feelings of being out of place and unwanted, but…
That wasn't him, was it? That was just the late night starting to get to him.
Again, only a single word came out in response. "Okay," is what he said. He could accept that, right? The truth that he… He wasn't alone. Of course, how stupid of him not to have noticed… It seemed like common sense, but, for some reason, he never seemed to believe the statement.
After a necessary silence fell over them, Shuichi was, of course, the one to break it with another question. "I haven't told you yet, have I? Can I… Can I tell you? About, um, what made me worry so much for you so… so suddenly? There is… There is a reason."
He hummed sleepily, "I dunno… Can you?" The joking question was drowned in a yawn as he said it, but Shuichi still looked a bit embarrassed by the question as Kokichi had expected.
"Ah… Of course. I just… I didn't want to spook you like I had up on the roof," he explained, "I… I don't want to say anything uncalled for."
Kokichi hummed in understanding. He figured that must've been the case. He still didn't believe it. Not the soft words on the roof, not the drowsy words the man said now, not even the hand he held onto in the gap between their two armchairs. But… His sleepy self wanted to believe every bit of warmth, even if his awake self might have been a bit afraid of that still. So he looked back at Shuichi expectantly for him to say what it is he wanted to say.
Shuichi smiled slightly, something that would be barely noticeable if it wasn't for the resting frown that had previously been on his lips. "Well… It started when that bot fell from the sky really. Momota-kun… he had said you could've been… killed, if he hadn't been there." His smile dropped at the word 'killed', like even speaking the possibility made him worry it was true.
He continued, a serious expression settling onto his tired face, "It made me think about what it would be like without you. And… Thinking about losing you… it made me realise how much I… how much I didn't want to lose you."
After Shuichi's words sat in the air for a moment, Kokichi could only bring himself to let out a small hum again, truly speechless at the confession. It made sense, really, it explained why Shuichi's slight change in behaviour had started only later that very evening that Shuichi mentioned, as Kokichi and Miu had been heading out to the night market.
Shuichi didn't want to lose him.
The thought somehow surprised him, as if the man hadn't made it clear when Kokichi had sat upon that rooftop, talking of running away and having no reason to stay. Even… Even the hand that held on so securely to Kokichi's was so telling of how he didn't want to lose him, didn't want to lose the reminding feeling that he was really there.
Kokichi wondered if Shuichi had the same feeling he did, as if he would wake up in his bunk like nothing ever happened, so he was just holding on to the last thing he could to remember the feeling. But… That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?
Shuichi yawned softly, finally closing his eyes. "Don't leave, Ouma-kun," was his last drowsy mumble as he gave Kokichi's hand a light squeeze.
He smiled softly, knowing Shuichi wouldn't see it then, and mumbled back, "I'll try not to, Saihara-chan." Then, he closed his own eyes, finally succumbing to the heaviness that had been growing in his eyelids.
.
.
.