AN: This chapter is primarily in the Kirby game universe, but it takes a few things from the anime. Dedede has a Redneck-hick accent and Metaknight has a Latin American Spanish accent.
Our Universe, Gamble Galaxy, Popstar System, Planet Popstar, Just before Kirby's Dream Land
After reporting back to Andross on the Bowser mission, Ganondorf—and to a lesser extent, K. Rool—were surprised to see that Andross's massive brain was enveloping more of his body. The simian Emperor's brain now enveloped everything except his face and limbs. He had also been steadily defecating out one internal organ after another as his giant brain took over their functions.
Ganondorf's polite request for a spacetime device of his own had been met with a telekinetic shove against the wall, with Andross shouting down the Gerudo for having to the audacity to order him.
Ganondorf, forced to the floor with his trachea constricting, explained to the "Great Emperor" that he was merely requesting, not ordering. He needed his own device for the success of the mission due to his partner's disagreeable personality.
Andross proceeded to hurl K. Rool against the wall and vent his rage at the Kremling, verbally and physically.
Then the emperor broke down in tears at how his old friend Krusha could betray him.
K. Rool ventured to gently pet the crying Emperor's brain, while explaining that he and Ganondorf merely had a clash of personalities, but that both were committed to the mission.
Andross sucked in his snot and conceded to think about giving Ganondorf his own device. In the meantime, they had to recruit someone from yet another universe.
And so, after much haranguing, the two villains found themselves on Planet Popstar.
Castle Dedede stood towering over Whispy Woods and Cappy Town. It wasn't that K. Rool or Ganondorf had a problem with domed architecture—but the dome on this building was too big to be supported by the structure beneath it—and the garish yellows and reds screamed "children's colorings." The two evil monarchs feared what kind of crazy being lived here and why Andross—hardly the beacon of mental stability himself—was so eager to enlist this person.
The castle was some distance away, giving the two villains time to reflect on what had happened on Venom.
"Why did you get Andross to consider my request?" Ganondorf asked K. Rool.
"I can assure you it wasn't out of the goodness of my heart," the Kremling King replied. "We have a mission to subvert to our own ends and it will help if we are not constantly trying to kill each other," he explained dispassionately.
"And that's that..." Ganondorf said, relieved. He wanted to have a productive working relationship with K. Rool while they had to work together. Until Andross was gone, they needed each other. Of course they both knew treachery was coming at the end—which was why Ganondorf needed to be able to travel spacetime on his own.
"I can be nice when there's a practical reason," K. Rool began. "What I can't understand is that you and Bowser are just evil because you want something positive out of it," K. Rol said, "I consider evil to be a form of art, not a utilitarian concept. I oppress my people, have random executions, but it creates a mood of terror—not to make myself more feared, but to make myself into the perfect character."
Ganondorf contorted his face.
"Drama imitates life, K. Rool, not the other way around."
"But, drama is the product of culture. Life is crude, nasty and brutish. Everything that elevates it comes from culture. Drama is one of the highest marks of culture, and a drama is only as good as its villain is, and I want to be the best villain ever."
Ganondorf stood, dumbfounded.
"Your people are overcrowded, underfed, and living in filth and your chief motivation is to be some kind of actor?"
"I've already said I don't care about peasants."
"And what about the revolution? I thought it was anti-aristocracy?"
K. Rool laughed.
"I just said something ironic, didn't I?" Ganondorf said, more as a statement of fact than a question.
"My dear Ganon, you must forgive me for coming from a land so far more advanced than yours. We've moved beyond feudalism and have things called capitalism and socialism. The revolution was supposed to be aimed at the industrialist and those aristocrats who supported them. It was never meant to help peasants. I'm of a different class altogether. Though I have aristocratic blood, first and foremost I am an intellectual. The revolution was essentially for us."
"And what is an intellectual in your definition?"
"Someone with a university degree. I'm not just a hereditary dictator, I have a Ph.D. in robotics."
"So basically, you know how to make machines."
"It's not just that! There's A.I. research and stuff."
"Don't you think your people should have access to these universities?"
K. Rool laughed.
"Tell me, Ganon, if you had the whole Triforce, would you go back to sharing it?"
"Of course not!"
"That's why I won't expand university enrolment. Knowledge is power, and I don't like spreading it too thin."
"Are you sure I'm the one who's the reincarnation of Demise, because you are the most entitled piece of work I have ever…"
"No, the pig monster you turn into is Demise. You are just a Gerudo King. But the sooner you embrace your inner Demise, the sooner your plans will start working out for you."
The strange, brown bodied creatures without mouths opened the double doors into King Dedede's massive throne room hallway.
The figure on the throne had to be the ruler, an enormous penguin wearing red a red robe and a red sleeping cap. On one side of the throne was a snail creature, on the other there was some ball-shaped being with a white metal mask and a dark cape.
K. Rool and Ganon both dismissed these two as insignificant. K. Rool started to speak, but Ganondorf beat him to it.
"Hail Dedede, King of Dreamland. I am Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo, and this is my minion, K. Rool, dictator of Crocodile Isle."
K. Rool seethed with that. He was about to shout a retort when Dedede got up from the throne and boomed in a drawling rustic voice, "Welcome 'ta Dreamland, friends! We don't 'nohmally get no 'otha kings a vistin'."
The penguin stormed over to Ganondorf and nearly crushed him with a hug.
"Release me at once, you overweight bird! Don't you know who you're dealing with?"
A sadistic smile crept across K. Rool's face. Ganondorf could be King for this one.
Dedede let go of Ganondorf and pulled out his hammer.
"I 'trahd 'ta be frien'ly, but now you disrespected me. Nobody does that in Dreamland!" Dedede began to savagely beat Ganondorf with his mallet.
"Actually, pretty much everyone in Dreamland disrespects him," the snail said.
K. Rool walked toward him.
"I take it that you are the power behind the throne?"
"Not really. My name's Escargoon. I'm King Dedede's chief of staff. I manage royal appearances and functions, and basically help the people find humor in the monarch. That's the only reason we still have a monarchy."
K. Rool noted Ganondorf's prostrate, whimpering form. "So Dedede has no real power?"
"Are you kidding? With our writing system and his eyesight he can only read books with big letters, so third-year student reading level. And with his country accent, no one can understand a word he says."
Why does Andross want him? K. Rool wondered.
Dedede turned to K. Rool. "You 'is henchman?"
"No, I'm actually an independent monarch that is usually underestimated, much like yourself your highness."
"Whach'you know 'bout me?"
"That you can only read large letters, so people think you are stupid."
"That's right," Dedede said. "It's insultin'. I once read In Nightmayuh's Shadow, a four-hundred page dissuhtation on how to cope with living with a permanent enemy in our dreams. There was a lota good suggestions there, but I needed a magnifyin' glass 'ta read it."
The mention of this "Nightmare" being got K. Rool's blood flowing.
"Tell me, what does this 'Nightmare' do?"
"He feeds off the bad dreams of people here."
"Is he an animal or does he have goals where one could partner with him?"
"He's smaht, real smaht. But he wouldn't wuhk with ya. He's a monstuh."
"Oh, but I'm a great negotiator," K. Rool said, licking his fangs. "He might listen to me."
"And I'm a great king but nobody takes me seriously. Just look at my tax plan. It woulda saved my people big and still given the gov'ment funds."
Ganondorf, groaned. K. Rool had to hurry. Nightmare might be his answer to Demise.
"I'm sure it was but can we…"
"I gave dolls of me 'ta the people for free, then every night at midnight I'd deliver a hypno message. It went like this:
"De-de-de, y'all like me.
De-de-de, y'all trust me.
De-de-de, don' y'all see?
De-de-de, I want y'all's money.
Put your spare change in the doll.
"The extra cash was all I wanted but they threw the dolls away when they figured out what was goin' on. I'm gonna get back though: steal all their food as a prank or somethin'."
This penguin was a comedic goldmine, but K. Rool had more important matters to discuss before Ganondorf woke up.
"All of this is nice, but about Nightmare. Is there a way to take his abilities for oneself?"
"Who'd want to do that? Nightmayuh's evil."
"But so are you!" K. Rool yelled. "Andross of Venom sent the two of us here because Dreamland is ruled by an evil leader who thinks his mission is good and will do anything to accomplish it."
"But I don'…" Dedede paused, "Hey, Metaknight, what is our mission."
"To keep the inhabitants of Dreamland safe and productive. They are all too lazy," The masked, caped ball guy said as he stepped forward.
"Thanks, Metaknight. All your ideas work."
"I told you the tax scheme would fail. The food scheme will at least force de people to work together to defeat you."
"Right," Dedede said. "He's ma' main strategist, ya know?"
Suddenly something clicked in K. Rool's mind. Dedede was an ineffectual puppet. Metaknight wrote the dissertation on Nightmare. Metaknight was the one Andross had sent them to recruit.
K. Rool laughed. "Dedede, you aren't the king of anything. Metaknight is the one that Andross sent me to recruit."
"I'm the constitutional King of Dreamland!" Dedede screamed. He smacked K. Rool's jaw with his hammer and the Kremling King went flying.
Ganondorf snickered as he stepped out of the shadows, standing upright.
"I see that my minion has gotten in over his head, as usual."
"How long have you been up?" Dedede asked.
"Since K. Rool asked about a way to steal Nightmare's abilities."
"And let me guess," Metaknight said, "You want his powers for your own evil ends."
"Quite the opposite," Ganondorf said. "I have been cursed to have the essence of the Demon King Demise in my own being. I wanted Nightmare to absorb this so that I can make plans of my own as Ganondorf without Demise's influence."
"That sounds like an honorable request, but I'm afraid that I cannot permit it. Nightmare is already too powerful. Taking on the essence of a Demon King would make him too strong," Metaknight said, emphasizing "I cannot permit."
"I don't care what you permit, you armored ball! Dedede is King of Dreamland, not you!"
"Yeah, but I trust most security matters to Metaknight. You'd better not mess with Nightmayuh."
Ganondorf now understood K. Rool had grasped earlier: Metaknight was the real leader. He chuckled.
"What's so funny?" Dedede asked.
"You, Dedede. You are a joke. Without your hammer, no one would take you seriously. Metaknight has to think of everything for you."
"The tax plan was MA' idea!" Dedede screamed.
Ganondorf, who'd been out cold for Dedede's chant earlier. There was only one thing that mattered to him. "Did it work?"
"Not when ever'body found out I was hypnotizin' 'em."
"Ah," Ganondorf said with pride. "My hypnotizations usually work unless a certain green clad Hero shows up."
"All ma' math was right. It woulda balanced the budget."
"However, did it fall apart, I wonder?" Ganondorf asked with sarcasm.
"It worked until everyone noticed they were complementin' me."
Ganondorf slapped his knee and erupted into laughter.
"You are the most pathetic excuse for a villain I have ever encountered."
"I'm not a villain!" Dedede protested.
"No, you're a well-intentioned extremist. I give up, this has been a wasted visit. Come, K. Rool."
Ganondorf and K. Rool's semiconscious body disappeared in black smoke. K. Rool's last thought was steal their food.
Dedede stood apart from his staff. These two were evil, they had said as much. So, it was good for Dreamland that they were gone. Still Dedede felt a bit like a failure. They'd laughed at him.
"Am I really a good king?"
"Well, you could raise my salary," Escargoon said.
"Shut up!" Dedede said. "I just made two dangerous bein's leave, but it was because they thought I was pathetic. It's not a very heroic way to beat your enemies."
"But you beat them all the same, Your Majesty," Metaknight said. "Sometimes we must let people think the worst of us in order to do our best."
"I suppose you're right. It's just I'm tired of always bein' the clown you know."
"We could hire a dialect coach," Escargoon suggested.
"Are you sayin' everyone who talks like me is stupid?" Dedede rose the hammer.
"No, Majesty, not at all."
"Good, I ain't ashamed of the way I talk," Dedede paused, "I am ashamed of only bein' able to read in a ertain way."
"Do not worry yourself too much, Your Majesty. You are fulfilling your constitutional role adequately. It is my own duties that concern me," Metaknight said, turning his back to Dedede in order to contemplate his inner thoughts.
"You are a good strategist, Metaknight."
"It is not enough to defend the people. They are too lazy for The Kingdom to last. We must make them act, by force if necessary!"