A common trope of Harry Potter fanfiction is having Harry or another side character succeed in classes more than they did in the books, which results in the fic author making Hermione act more jealous than we see her act in the books.

Here is what would happen if she actually was that jealous all the time.

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It was their third year at Hogwarts, and already the atmosphere was turning moody. The dementors were a bane on outside activities in general, and the escaped serial killer was making everything twice as stressful. Harry's thoughts were on Sirius Black at this time, as he, Ron, and Hermione walked out of their charms class that afternoon.

Harry turned to view his friends only to notice that Hermione was gone. It was mysterious, she had been disappearing randomly throughout the past few months that they had been at school and reappearing only moments after.

Now was no exception, Hermione walked out of the classroom toward them, a small frown on her face.

"Wasn't she right next to us?" Ron murmured in a skeptical tone. He didn't believe a single one of her excuses. Harry didn't know why, they were fairly reasonable.

As she stormed past, ignoring them, Ron became confused. "Where's her excuse this time?"

"Leave off of her, Ron," Harry said gently. "She's obviously upset about something. Let's ask her."

Ron scoffed. "It's none of our business, and I would rather not be included in girl drama, thank you."

"Fine," Harry relented. "We have to get to potions anyway. For once, we don't have it with any other houses. That means no Slytherins."

"No Slytherins?" Ron asked. "You're forgetting Snape."

"That's Professor Snape," Hermione snapped, still walking in front of them.

Ron looked at Harry and rolled his eyes. Harry nodded in agreement.

As they were approaching one of the moving staircases to go down to potions, Hermione took a corner in the opposite direction.

"Oi, where are you going?" Ron called out.

"I have got arithmancy, I'll see you in potions," she replied, stalking out of sight.

Confused, they continued down the stairs before they could move again. They got lost for the first time since last year and ended up getting to potions four minutes late. Professor Snape gave them a sour look as they walked in, taking away four points each for their tardiness.

When they sat down, a Slytherin named Zabini ran inside, panting heavily. Snape ignored the boy as he walked over to his desk and collapsed into his chair.

Hermione, already pulling out the necessary ingredients for the lesson they would be doing, flashed a pitying smile at them.

"She's all happy now," Ron whispered to Harry. "What do you reckon changed?"

Harry just shrugged and before Ron could ask anything else, Snape cleared his throat.

Walking around the room with a stack of parchments in his hand, he placed them on every student's desk, the grade marked clearly on the top of each one. "Many of you did terribly, as expected. Those who scored less than seventy percent will be required to write an additional ten inches on their next assignment."

Harry and Ron grimaced. Hermione smiled primly.

Snape moved past their desks, slapping down two pieces of parchment on them. The essays had little decorated in red ink, thanks to Hermione's efforts the night prior, but while Ron's had a score of68, a big, red 99 sat in the corner of Harry's sheet.

Ron gaped openly at Harry's work looking between the similarly marked papers and seeing very little difference in red.

"Oi, how did you manage to get a 99?" Ron asked aloud.

As Harry looked at him in alarm, knowing it was unwise to talk loudly in Potions class, Hermione exploded.

"NINETY-NINE!?" Hermione shrieked. "I ONLY HAVE NINETY-EIGHT! HOW DID YOU GET A HIGHER SCORE THAN ME!?"

Harry looked at his friends in panicked astonishment. They were going to lose Gryffindor so many points!

"Ten points from both of you for speaking in class," Snape said off-handedly as he approached Ron and Harry's shared desk.

"You would do well to remember that talking out of hand is not permitted in my classroom, so I make myself clear?" he asked, glancing at Hermione and Ron.

Hermione nodded; her face dominated by a large frown. Ron nodded too, looking away from the hooked nose that was pointing at him.

Harry looked at Snape, catching his eye, and asking quietly. "Sir, how did I get a 99? I'm sure I didn't do as well as Hermione."

Snape scowled at him. "Are you questioning me, Potter?"

Harry reluctantly shook his head, exhaling through his nose at Snape's apparent refusal to answer. Something was very wrong, and it was bothering him.

With a voice so low, only Harry could hear it, Snape added. "Because your mum was hot."

Harry stared at his professor in shock and abject horror.

Snape's scowl deepened. "Shut up, Potter! Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

He turned on his heel, cloak billowing behind him, and stalked back to the front where he continued teaching the lesson. Harry couldn't pay very much attention to the lesson and missed how Hermione glared hatefully at him throughout its entirety.

Hogwarts began to change over the next few weeks. It started immediately with the drastic decline of Gryffindor's third-year grades in all subjects. Hermione had stopped helping her classmates with their homework and studying. It spread across the entirety of Gryffindor soon after. Then, it hit the Ravenclaws, then the Hufflepuffs, and finally Slytherin. Across all years, in every house, the students were returning subpar essays and making basic mistakes in every class.

Every single one.

Except Hermione.

Harry didn't miss his invisibility cloak when it was returned the second after it was taken.

It was at this time that a new surge of students begged her for help, but she turned every last one of them. Her excuse she gave was always the same.

"My work is suffering just as much as yours, I have not the time nor the energy to help you."

She turned away even her best friends.

"We don't need her anyway, Harry," Ron said nastily. "You did better than her in potions."

"She helped me write that essay!" Harry returned. "And Snape still has the hots for me dead mum."

"Yer accents showin' 'arry," Ron mumbled through a mouthful of meat pie and pumpkin juice.

Hermione left the table in disgust.

"What'd I do?" Ron asked, spitting out gobs of soaking meat pie onto Harry who was too distracted by Cho Chang two tables down, to notice. She was talking to Cedric Diggory.

"No one understands me," Harry sighed mournfully, thinking about his dead parents.

The teachers gathered the month after the first wave of failed essays hit their desks to discuss the issue.

"I don't think you understand the ramifications of this, Severus!" McGonagall snapped.

"All of my students are doing just as good as they normally do," Snape said blithely.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "You are dead wrong, Severus."

"Jus' like 'arry's dead parents," Hagrid agreed.

Tactfully ignoring the horrible thing Hagrid just said, McGonagall continued. "Nearly every single student in the school has failing grades!"

"I've found no less than a dozen mistakes in my favorite student's, Cedric Diggory, essays!" Professor Sprout exclaimed. "His handwriting is suffering just as well! Half of the time, it looks like the writing is absolutely perfect, which is very irregular, and then it's back to its poor former state."

She waved her hands around, gesturing wildly. "I just don't understand it!"

Flitwick stepped in as the Hufflepuff head of House devolved into confused sobbing. "That reminds me of Miss Chang! She only writes in Mandarin to challenge herself, and recently her handwriting is just better! Like a true calligraphist! But, her work has suffered severely! Her written essays are now just as bad as her practical work."

The other teachers nodded. Cho Chang was a very good essay writer, but was terrible in practice.

Flitwick continued. "It's almost as if all of her spells are simply deflecting off the target!"

"I've been seeing the same thing, actually," Snape interrupted, suspicion evident across his dour face. "Every single one of my Slytherin students, from first to seventh year, have been failing utterly in the secret fighting class I teach them and in practical work in class."

He brought a hand up to stroke his weak chin. "It's almost as if someone managed to find their way into the hidden crawl space above my classroom in an invisibility cloak and manually sabotaged all of my students at the same time. The spells they cast are simply being deflected every time."

"That's make no sense," McGonagall scoffed. "None of our students have the time and the energy, and the obsession, and an invisibility cloak to do all of that across every classroom in school, every day of the week."

"Sometimes the spell deflects into another Slytherin," Snape said quietly.

She brightened and a glad look spread across her face. "Thank goodness I have Hermione Granger in my house. Her grades have not suffered whatsoever, in fact they seem to have gotten even better! Almost as if she's devoting even more time to her homework."

"How is Hermione doing so many classes at the same time?" Dumbledore asked, tactfully not mentioning Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility.

"Oh, she has a ministry licensed time turner. Remember Percival Weasley?" McGonagall stated offhandedly.

The other teachers nodded, impressed at the young Gryffindor's dedication to and obsession with learning.

"Stupid name, Percival," Snape muttered.

Aloud, the potion's master added. "In fact, back to the subject of mysterious sabotage during my classes, Malfoy recently had an accident."

"Did anyone hear a childish giggle just now?" Hagrid asked.

"Felt like an echo for me," Flitwick told him. "But yes."

"Yes," Dumbledore said. "The ghosts of Hogwarts can be quite churlish on occasion."

The other teachers nodded in agreement.

"Back to what I was saying," Snape said. "The young man was about to practice dueling with a second year to raise his self-esteem. He wanted to be cool and places his wand in his back pocket so he could whip it out like a cowboy."

"Makes perfect sense," Dumbledore said.

"And his pants exploded," Snape finished. "His left buttock went flying and everyone was screaming."

"Poor boy," Madame Pomfrey said. "Took him a week in the Hospital Wing to grow back."

"Can't you heal something like that in a few seconds?" Snape asked.

"He called me half-blood," Pomfrey said defensively.

"I understand completely," Flitwick interrupted.

"Well, we have absolutely no leads on the matter," Dumbledore decided. "So, let's just hope everything works out and meet again in another month if it does not."

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Sirius Black crept through the darkness of the corridors. He was almost Gryffindor tower when the door directly in front of him opened, almost smacking him in the snout.

He had been so careful! Ducking low, even in his Animagus form, to avoid being seen by the portraits. He had been fortunate in his evasion of the ghosts, sprinting off whenever their unearthly chill began to permeate the area. Now he was about to be caught!

Sirius black threw himself against the wall, praying that he would not be found.

Then, a young, bushy-haired girl wearing Gryffindor robes stepped out of the loo.

Sometimes being a pitch black dog in the darkness was a blessing. It was a pity about his glowing red eyes, though.

"Just in case anybody is there, Four O'Clock is leaving now. Five O'Clock, you're next!" She shouted, closing the door behind her.

Sirius was very confused, even more so when she donned an invisibility cloak, vanishing before his eyes.

He muffled a startled yelp. That looked just like James's cloak! He thought.

The footsteps of the invisible girl quickly vanished with a muttered Silencio.

Sirius shook his doggy head. Now was not the time to think about what he just saw. He had to get that traitorous RAT, Wormtail.

He cocked his head. That's ironic. He thought. He literally is a traitorous rat. Probably should've seen that coming.

The Black man pretending to be a black dog waited until he was sure the girl was no longer present. Then, just as he leaned away from the wall, the door opened again. This time, it smacked him in the snout and he yelped in pain.

The same bushy haired girl, jumped in surprise before recovering and smiling at him.

"Oh, hello big doggy," she said, softly petting him. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I don't have any treats right now. If you'll give me a moment."

She turned around to face the loo she was exiting and shouted. "Just in case anybody is there, Five O'Clock is leaving now. Six O'Clock, you're next!"

She donned another invisibility cloak.

That, Sirius thought, is also James's cloak.

His face was complete bewilderment and he forgot he was a dog for a moment, stretching out a paw to the wall to stabilize himself.

Maybe, they're twins? He thought. Then the door opened again. Scratch that, triplets?

"Oh, you're still here?" The girl wondered aloud. "Well, that's just lovely, I brought you a meat pie."

Sirius was shocked as she produced from seemingly thin air, a gorgeous meat pie. He dug into it immediately.

"You're eyes are red!" The girl noticed. "Could you be a grim? Maybe the grim that Trelawney is going mad about. Anyway, JUST IN CASE ANYBODY IS THERE, SIX O'CLOCK IS LEAVING NOW! ONE O'CLOCK, YOU'RE NEXT!"

The girl vanished beneath another cloak of invisibility and her footsteps went silent just like all the others.

Over the next twenty minutes, Sirius's dog ears heard extensive shuffling going through the door, but saw nothing. The door opened and closed seemingly at random. He ignored it in favor of the pie.

Then, the girl stepped out of the loo, removing the cloak and peering at Sirius.

"Goody, you're still here," she grinned. "You look very serious. I think I will call you…Mittens. I wonder if mum will let me keep you."

She produced, from within her robes, an expensive looking collar.

"What money the Slytherins don't know was stolen from them will not hurt anyone," she declared, using magic to inscribe the name Mittens onto the collar. "It says Property of Hermione Granger on the back if you ever get lost. Now sit tight, I will be by shortly to take care of you."

Sirius was too baffled to respond. He was also too dog to respond. But, the collar looked like the perfect way to get into the tower if her robes were any indication. He would play along for now. The girl fitted the collar onto him.

"JUST IN CASE ANYBODY IS LISTENING, ONE O'CLOCK IS RUNNING INTERFERENCE! TWO O'CLOCK, YOUR SHIFT IS OVER!" She shouted suddenly. With that, she turned on her heel and strutted down the hall, very pleased with herself.

Mere seconds later, after she turned the corner, the girl exited the bathroom.

"Come, Mittens, we're going back to the tower to have a good night's rest," she said.

Sirius followed her up to the tower, happily acting like a dog and grinning wolfishly at any Slytherin they passed. It was late evening, and most students were heading toward their common rooms, so they passed few students in general.

The tower was quickly in sight and Sirius could have sworn he heard someone mutter. "Three O'Clock heading to potions for sabotage."

The girl brought him into the tower, but stopped and looked at him funny, when he motioned for the boy's dormitories.

"I suppose it would be hilarious if Ron and Harry woke up to a grim," she whispered. "Come, Mittens, let's go give the boys a surprise."

He joyously followed her up the steps and into a dorm room holding four semiconscious children.

Sirius crept to the little rat cage on the corner of one boy's side desk.

"Maybe Ron deserves to lose Scabbers," Hermione thought aloud. "Just a little bit."

Sirius transformed and tore the sleeping rat from the cage. It squeaked in alarm as he rudely woke it.

Hermione, rather than shriek loudly as her first instinct was to do, looked thoughtfully at the serial killer and escapee, Sirius Black.

Hello, Wormtail," he said, grinning madly. "You look a bit grim. ANIMAGUS REVERSAL SPELL!"

His shout startled the other inhabitants out of rest and the rat transformed into a warty, pudgy, rat-faced, little man.

"S-Sirius," the man whimpered. "Old friend…"

Sirius flicked his wand and the man flew upside down by his ankle. He then proceeded to hex the ever-living hell out of him.

"Fascinating," Hermione said.

Sirius spared a glance at her.

She was taking notes.

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SIRIUS BLACK INNOCENT!? STARTLING NEW INFORMATION ABOUT PETER PETTIGREW, RECEIVER OF THE ORDER OF MERLIN, FIRST CLASS! NO LONGER DESERVES IT?

As it seems, the famed murderer and You-Know-Who supporter is in fact completely innocent! The crimes were all done by the now known Animagus, and spy for You-Know-Who, Peter Pettigrew!

Sirius Black is expected to receive incredible restitution for his time in Azkaban!

In other news, Hogwarts is facing massive inquiries as half of the student body drops out after failing all of their exams. The cause? Who knows?

See page 3. For more information.

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Authors' Notes:

Forsooth: I knows.

Conquest: I knows too.

Sirius Black: finally, a good ending. Thanks for writing a good one for me. I usually don't survive in these things.

Forsooth: you're welcome.

Conquest: you know what, actually, I've been wondering this for a while. How are you still here?

Forsooth: yeah, that just was supposed to be a one off gag.

Sirius Black: ~I'll never tell~

Conquest: we'll give you an even better ending if you tell us.

Sirius Black: make it two.

Forsooth: done.

Sirius Black: and I get to marry Amelia Bones in one of them.