Oh, hello there. Did you miss me?
I missed you.
More than you know.
The last time we were together, we rescued Claire from a nest of Vampires, and when I say we, I mean everyone else did all the work while I got absolutely railed in a supply closet. I won't tell you how or by whom, but I'll give you a hint:Poolverineput thatdoomsticklandleto good use.
Anyway, I'm ready to tell you another story. This one stars my favorite sassy demon, and what would this adventure be without my two favorite brothers?
That's right, the Salvatore brothers.
xoxo Deadpool…
God, I miss Gossip Girl
"Fucking hell…" Deadpool rubbed his temples with a slight groan. He bent over to catch his breath, bracing his palms on his knees. "I think I'm going to be sick."
A familiar voice cut through the darkness, "If you're going to be sick, at least do it outside like a proper animal."
Deadpool straightened his posture immediately and tilted his head to the side. "Dad?" His white gaze widened when his sights landed on none other than the King of Hell himself.
Sucking in a soft gasp, Deadpool forgot about his throbbing headache.
"It's you!"
Crowley let out a sigh and nodded. "It's me, congratulations, I'll sign an autograph later. Now, to business. I'm sure you're wondering why I brought you here."
Deadpool slowly nodded as he looked around at the darkened, gothic study they were in. From top to bottom, it was as though he'd stepped into a Bram Stoker novel, complete with paintings of…
"Is that hellfire?" Deadpool asked, pointing to a rather graphic depiction of a group of nude men and women surrounded by demons, engulfed in wicked flames that licked over their bodies.
"I like the aesthetic," Crowley replied indifferently before leaning against the massive oak polished desk littered with possessions, "as I was saying. I'm sure you're wondering why you're here…"
Deadpool raised his hand as though he were sitting in a campus auditorium and waited patiently.
Grinding his teeth, Crowley stared at Deadpool with quiet resentment. He was already beginning to regret his decision to enlist him.
"What?" He asked, trying to keep his voice calm.
"Did you bring me here as a pawning chip?" Deadpool asked, pointing a finger at him. "Where Sam and Dean will need to make a deal to rescue me, resulting in someone becoming soulless or possessed- preferably fighting over who gets to be my knight in shining armor?"
Crowley blinked, deadpanned. "No."
"Okay," Deadpool nodded, offering his hands in surrender, "Hear me out. We do it anyway and follow the algorithm set in place by the writers since season six. I just, I really think it will make for a great script. The viewers will love it. You might even get a 7.8 to 8.5 score on IMDB. It does depend on if there's any romance between Dean and another woman," Deadpool turned to look at you, "we all know what happens to Dean'sdicklesslove interests."
"Enough!" Crowley raised his voice, and Deadpool froze, turning to stare at him with wide eyes. "You are not here to be some joke at my expense!" Crowley continued. "I'm going to give you an offer to work with me in exchange for something you might want, but I swear," he stalked forward, pointing a finger in his face, "if you embarrass me, it'll be the last thing you do. Do you understand me?"
Deadpool audible swallowed, silent for a long moment before asking, "…is this foreplay?" The expression that carved Crowley's features made Deadpool nod vigorously. "Nope, it's not. Got it. Anyway…After all, I am practically an Avenger- how can I help?"
"You're not an Avenger."
Deadpool's shoulders slumped, but Crowley continued.
"I need you to hop realms and gather a relic for me. A very powerful relic."
Nodding slowly, Deadpool rotated his hips a little, unable to stay completely still. "What realm and what relic?"
"Earth-212…"
Deadpool's jaw dropped as his eyes widened. "What the shit?! The Vampire Diaries realm? Are you just teasing me right now?"
Crowley sighed and shook his head. "I need something of importance from their timeline.
"The Moonstone?" Deadpool asked. "Are we talking prior to season two? I mean, we all know after season four, it all went to shit." He chortled and sighed. "Then you get The Originals, fall in love, and that also tears your heart out with as much devastation as opening a Cool Whip container only to find old green beans well past its expiration."
Crowley stared at him. "I don't know how to respond to that, so I won't. Here's what I need from you," he said, pouring himself a glass of scotch. He took a swig, "You are going to go to the Earth-212 timeline and locate one of the Ascendents."
Deadpool put a finger up to ask, "Where might that be?"
"Somewhere in the bloody town," he ruffed and rubbed his temples, "one of my informants evidently had butterfingers and lost the damn thing when trying to travel back. Back to the point, when you achieve this task, I will grant you one wish of your choosing."
"A wish? Not an educated wish, but a real, true…papa, I want to be a real boy…wish?" Deadpool asked.
Crowley nodded, "Within reason, of course. I'm not a Genie, but there are some things I'm not stupid enough to agree to, but let's say if you really wanted to be an Avenger…that's something I could do."
"Why me?" Deadpool asked. "Most people wouldn't exactly put me in charge of such a…precarious mission. It really… it means a lot to me that you trust me enough to-"
"You're expendable." Crowley cut him off.
Deadpool paused, staring at him silently. "Okay, that was hurtful."
Taking a moment to think, he extended his hand. "Deal," he paused, "or are we sealing this with a kiss?"
Crowley snapped his fingers, sending Deadpool through space and time.
The impact against the leaf-littered ground sent reverberations through the tree, shaking the branches above, waving against the night sky.
Deadpool scrambled to his feet; his head, sitting on his neck, was twisted completely backward. He twisted it back into its proper position and shuddered.
"Woah, head rush." Deadpool looked around and immediately realized what section of the Mystic Falls woods he'd fallen into- literally. From the dilapidating structure, it appeared to be the remains of the old Salvatore manor.
"Alright. Step one. Find an Ascendant…" Deadpool turned in a slow circle, taking the view in. "Where the fuck do I find that?"
He turned to look at you. "Remember when everyone was obsessed withSuperwholockin 2011? Well, get ready forSupervamppool, bitches."
Deadpool looked toward the main road, where squealing tires caught his attention. He started walking with a bit of a skip to his step, breathing in the chilled air. Descending a dipped valley, he glanced around his now-hidden feet.
"Okay, realistically, how much fog does a set design need, really? It's spooky, we get it." He put his hands on his hips just as a scream ripped through the air. Quickly, Deadpool climbed up the other side of the valley and poked his head above the side where the winding road lay.
He let out a high-pitched shriek and pulled his head back as a car raced past.
"Speed kills!" He shouted after them before pulling himself out of the roadside bank and dusting the debris off his suit.
Deadpool looked up and down the road before starting his trek to town.
"Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho…Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho."
Much like a beacon, the clock tower guided Deadpool to the town of Mystic Falls. It was late enough, and the only activity was centered around the Mystic Grille. Oh, how he wanted to waltz in and order a burger, fries, and O-Positive just to fuck with them.
Sighing, he hung his head. "Another time, Deadpool." He looked up and gazed around. "Now, if I were an Ascendent, where would I be…" Scanning the shops, he paused, staring at the antique shop.
It was worth a try, at least.
Crossing the street, Deadpool approached the shop but sighed as he noticed the gleam of a locked chain keeping the doors closed embellished the front.
"Of course," he sighed, letting his head fall forward and rest against the glass, "I'll never get my wish at this rate…fuck!"
A voice to his right caught his attention, as did the shock of blonde hair.
"A little early for Halloween, isn't it?"
Deadool's eyes widened. "Caroline!"
Caroline, with a furrowed brow and intense glare, crossed her arms. "Do I know you?"
"Oh…" Deadpool tilted his head and waved his hand, gesturing across her body, "Is this the bitchy before she turned into a vampire, Caroline?" He glanced down at her daylight ring. "Oh, nope. My bad. Sorry, what season are we in?"
Deadpool turned to look at you. "It really is an integral detail to the storytelling process to know your setting."
"Who are you talking to?" Caroline asked in a slight whisper, sarcasm dripping from her tongue. She glanced between the space beside him and the man in red.
"We've answered that in pastfics. Let's not run it in the ground, kay? Let's start over," he said, taking a deep, cleansing breath, "I'm Deadpool, and I need to get into this shop."
Caroline crossed her arms as she pursed her lips into a thin line. "Why?"
"That's for me to know and you to dot..dot…dot…" Deadpool jumped excitedly in place. "So sorry, but saying that here and not in another universe scratched the itch I never knew I needed."
"Mmhm," Caroline eyed him, "well, you'll have to wait until morning, obviously." She said, gesturing to the locked door.
"Yeah, I kind of figured that, but you know, this isn't the first building I've ever broken into- who are you texting?" Deadpool asked, looking down at her phone. "Oh, wow, this really is the generation of hell," he snorted, "having to press a button four times to get to one letter…I don't know how we survived. No wonder everyone has carpal tunnel now. Looking back, Thanos was probably doing us all a favor. Look at that," he continued, staring as she texted from her flip-phone, "absolutely ridiculous. Oh, you're done. Okay, what was that, like, three minutes to type three words?"
Deadpool didn't turn as sirens blared from somewhere behind him.
"You texted your mom, didn't you?"
Caroline just gave a smile as Sherrif Forbes pulled up to the curb and got out, hand on her hip. "Is there a problem here?"
"No, no problem here at all. Just two girls chatting about our day climbing the ladder of misogyny," Deadpool said.
"He's trying to break into the antique shop," Caroline retorted.
Sighing, Deadpool hung his head. "Ah, fuck."
Liz nodded, pursing her lips. "Alright, hands behind your back."
Deadpool sat on a bench inside a small jail cell and leaned back against the concrete wall. Arms crossed, head back.
He somberly sang softly to himself.
"The warden threw a party in the county jail
The prison band was there and they began to wail
The band wasjumpin' and the joint began to swing
You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing
Let's rock
Everybody, let's rock
Everybody in the whole cell block
Wasdancin' to the Jailhouse Rock"
Deadpool turned to look at you. "Oh, hello there. I know what you're thinking: how does it make sense that I'm still in these bad boys?" He pulled at the elastic of his red-cladded thighs and let them snap back. "Let's be for real, I wouldn't sell nearly as many box office tickets if I wasn't a masked figure. You're probably desperately wanting your partner to purchase a Deadpool mask, so they can facelessly hump you. Then you realized I'm too expensive online or in stores for you to fantasize about, so you get your jollies off from the Ghost Face mask you found at Spirit Halloween. I get it…we've all been there. I'm not judging; I'm just saying, never let the price tag stop you from masturbating to your dreams."
Crowley, standing in the corner of the jail cell, stared at Deadpool. "I'm…going to pretend I didn't hear any of that…" He trailed off. "How in hell did you manage to get arrested in the first five minutes of arriving?"
"I don't believe I'm obligated to answer that question without a lawyer present…"
"DO I LOOK TO BE IN A JOKING MOOD?!"
Deadpool sat up a little straighter and slowly shook his head.
"Finish the job with the half-wit of common sense God gave you, or so help me I will leave you here to pray for whatever educated wish you might have had. Do I make myself clear?!"
Nodding, Deadpool let out a breath. "Yeah, yes. Crystal clear…"
Deadpool's head spun, blurring his vision as he looked around. Stopping, he gazed up with wide eyes, taking in the sight of the Salvatore Boarding House. Rubbing his hands together, he nodded.
"Okay, this is it. The relic must be here. Just have to get it from…the Salvatore brothers?" He slowly turned to look at you. "Oh, this is gonna get good."
Crossing the front lawn, Deadpool carefully pushed the door in. It was unlocked in typical vampire fashion.
"Hello?" Deadpool called through the empty foyer. "Don't mind me, just popping in to potentially steal something from you." He closed the door behind him with a soft click.
A slim brunette stepped into his line of sight.
"Elena!" Deadpool beamed but was suddenly thrown against the closed door. Her hand across his throat cut off his air. "Nope!" He gagged. "It's not Taylor, it's Just Ashley!" He managed to say through a gurgle.
Katherine tilted her head to the side, eyes dark with interest.
"Who exactly are you?" She asked, releasing her grip enough for him to breathe but unable to move away.
"Wow, you really are strong," Deadpool nodded, "It's really no biggie. I'm just looking for something for a Demon so I can have my wish granted."
"Damon!" Katherine called out, narrowing her eyes on Deadpool.
"No, you don't need to…" But Damon was suddenly there behind her, glaring at him with a disgusted expression.
"You know what, now it makes sense," Damon pursed his lips, looking Deadpool up and down, "Liz just called and said someone dressed in a Halloween costume just escaped from his cell…"
Deadpool let out an exaggerated groan. "Do I look like I'm trick-or-treating?" He asked, putting a hand on Katherine's wrist to pry her off, but in the next instant, she had him on his knees with his arm twisted so far behind his back his shoulder socket popped from its joint.
"OW!" Deadpool exclaimed. "Look, I come in peace. I need something- just one thing, and I'll be out of your hair, I swear to Thor…" He glanced up as another body walked into the scene. "Stefan! You're a voice of reason, listen…"
The door to the cell in the basement slammed in Deadpool's face.
"That's actually the opposite of listening!" Deadpool called after them from the cell bars.
"Really?" Crowley's voice made him jump, Deadpool turned, holding a hand to his chest.
"I'm trying, but maneuvering this world is not as easy as the other. The writers are so serious here!" Deadpool sighed and hung his head. "This is why it lasted only eight fucking seasons. It's always about death, family, and sacrifice without a single slow-dancing alien episode!"
Crowley rubbed his fingers against his forehead. "Maybe I should have picked the one with claws to help."
"No!" Deadpool went to his knees. "I can do it, I swear I can…" He paused. "On another note, why aren't you able to get the Ascendant? You seem to know where it is."
"I can't because I can't, idiot!" Crowley sighed. "I can show you where to find it, but I can't touch it or tell you specifically where it is. It has to be handed to me, and they won't do that. Let's try again," he glared at him, "either you find it, or I'll replace you with someone who can."
Crowley disappeared, but not before letting the door to the cell open.
With haste, Deadpool ascended the stairs and peaked around the corner, listening.
"Liz is on her way," Damon said, "which means you need to go somewhere else."
"Fine. Not like I saved your asses. Again." Katherine said before waltzing down the hall and up the stairs to the second floor.
Quickly and quietly, Deadpool slipped out from the cellar's door and crept around the corner. The relic had to be somewhere in the house, and if he knew the plot of The Vampire Diaries, he knew it would be hidden in plain sight.
"You think it's just some guy in a pair of tights?" Stefan asked, the sound of glass clinking as he poured himself a drink drifted down the hall. "Let's be honest, how often is it ever that simple? Something just seems off about him."
"I don't know. It's not really my problem once Liz picks him up." Damon responded curtly.
"It doesn't bother you this guy escaped a jail cell without a trace and ended up here? Saying he's looking for something?
"Like I said, it's not my problem. We have enough to deal with trying to get rid of Klaus. I'm not adding to Elena's list."
Deadpool slowly lowered himself to the ground, and the army crawled past pieces of furniture. He lifted his head to scan the display cases.
Nothing.
"Do you think we can't see you?" Damon asked, and Deadpool quickly lifted his head, realizing the Salvatores had not only seen him but were standing just a few feet behind him.
Getting to his feet, Deadpool addressed them. "Hi there, big fan. I love the house, by the way. Half expected a baldy in a wheelchair to go by and ignore me."
Damon narrowed his eyes, looking him up and down.
"What do you want?"
"Damon!" Liz shouted. "Get down!"
Stepping to the side, they all turned to face the door where Liz stood with Caroline behind her. The Sherrif had her gun out, pointing at Deadpool's chest.
"Move, and I shoot."
Deadpool snorted and silenced immediately. "Sorry, I know that's not funny, but eventually, when you see one of my movies in, like, what, ten years? You'll understand why that threat is fairly comical."
"How did you get out of your cell?" Liz asked, glaring daggers.
"A demon named Crowley let me out."
Stefan and Damon exchanged a look.
"Alright, boys." Crowley said, suddenly leaned against the fireplace. "I'll make you a deal. You give me that…" He pointed to a piece of decor on the table. It was too ugly to be a compass but not weird enough to stand out. "And in return, I give you this."
From his coat pocket, he withdrew the white oak stake.
Damon stared at it incredulously as Stefan's brows furrowed.
"What is that?" Stefan ventured a question.
"It's the only instrument that can be used to kill an original vampire," Crowley smirked, "and I'll give it to you right here, right now. All you must do is hand over the grubby little trinket there."
"Why do you want it?" Stefan asked, crossing his arms.
"My business," Crowley narrowed his eyes, "ask yourselves, boys…"
"I hate to interrupt," Deadpool chimed in, followed by an annoyed glare from Crowley, "but calling them boys is just- it's a little insulting. I let it go the first time, but Sam and Dean…they're the boys. You know?"
"Shut up."
"Yes, sir…" Deadpool clamped his hands together.
Crowley turned his attention back to the Salvatores. "What do you say? Save your girl from Klaus with a simple exchange, or let her die?"
Stefan stepped forward, opening his mouth to ask another question, only for Damon to answer.
"Deal."
Stefan looked over at him with wide eyes.
"It's Elena," Damon said simply in a quiet voice.
Stefan stared at him for a long moment before nodding and looking at Crowley. "Deal…" He walked over to the coffee table and picked the ornament up.
While Stefan held up his, Crowley mimicked the gesture, taking the respected relics simultaneously.
"Pleasure doing business, boys."
"Do I still get my wish?" Deadpool asked as Crowley snapped his fingers.
"Would you stop doing that without a warning!" Deadpool clutched his head. "Fuck me…" He looked around, finding they were back in Crowley's study. "Well, that was a waste of time. You know, I could have gotten it eventually."
Crowley stared at him with a slight smirk, and Deadpool slowly tilted his head.
"You didn't want me to find it, did you?"
Crowley shrugged. "Sometimes, the best way to get others to cooperate is to become the lesser of two evils. You arrive to cause havoc, and I appear to fix it. No harm, no foul, leaving good impressions and getting amazing deals."
Deadpool's jaw dropped as his hands slowly slid to his nipples. "You used me…"
Crowley thought for a moment before nodding. "Yup."
"Did you even mean what you said about the wish? I mean, I never actually found it to give to you. Are you about to Rumplestiltskin me?"
Sighing, Crowley stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Because I did use your help to get the relic, I will still grant your wish, but let me ask you this…if you're to become an Avenger, do you really want to keep the name Deadpool?"
"Happy birthday!" Wade grinned as he plopped on the couch next to Logan.
Logan rolled his eyes but managed a crooked smile as he sat up a little. "You know when my birthday is?"
"I know everything about you, honey badger."
Logan gave him a look, and Wade pursed his lips.
"That sounded far less creepy in my head."
Chuckling, Logan shook his head as he glanced down, looking at what Wade held. "You…didn't have to get me anything." He frowned.
In Wade's hands was a little blue box, nothing fancy. Not even a ribbon, but still, he offered the small package to him with a smile.
"Like I said, happy birthday. What are you, a thousand?"
Logan chuckled. "Getting there…" He said as he took the box. Removing the top, he froze.
"Is this…"
Wade nodded with a broad grin. "A sign Mickey Mantel card." His grin grew as Logan's eyes turned to the size of saucers.
"How…how did you get this?" Logan looked over at him.
Wade shrugged and smiled. "I made an educated wish."
Admit it. That was fucking adorable.
Until next time!