A/N: It's Grace's first holiday season under Olivia's care, and Grace does not want to celebrate the holidays. When Olivia discovers the reason why, she spends time nurturing and comforting her baby girl. This one is a little long.
Grace walked into the nursery and gazed around at the familiar surroundings. She picked up Jewel and sat down on her purple bean bag chair, cuddling the stuffed animal close to her and bringing her legs up to make herself small as she struggled not to cry. She wasn't necessarily feeling 'little' right at this moment, but the nursery was her safe space and she needed to feel safe. So far, it had been a long holiday season, her first holiday season under Olivia's care, and Grace was ready for it to just be over already.
Olivia was very, very worried about her sweet girl. She had noticed 'big girl' Grace start to become very sad a few weeks before Halloween, and Grace had told her that she didn't want to be 'little' or go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Olivia had asked her why, but hadn't been able to get a direct answer, and in the end she had respected Grace's wishes. She would never force Grace to be 'little' when she didn't want to be, just as she would never force her baby girl to face the 'big girl' world when she wasn't ready. Grace had gone to a 'big girl' party on Halloween and came home drunk, earning herself a hard spanking the next day, and she was grateful that Olivia decided to let her off with just one spanking instead of giving her another punishment day. When her spanking was over, Grace sobbed in Olivia's arms begging for forgiveness while Olivia cuddled and comforted her, but Grace still refused to tell Olivia what was bothering her.
Thanksgiving was somewhat similar, Grace continued to be sad and depressed, and refused to say why. Olivia invited Don and Eileen over for Thanksgiving dinner as usual. Don and Eileen had become 'Papa' and 'Nana' to little Gracie, and Olivia hoped that the extra attention and affection would help Grace in some way, but again, Grace refused to indulge in her 'little' side on Thanksgiving, and Don and Eileen were somewhat shocked when they arrived on Thanksgiving Day and were greeted by 'big girl' Grace calling them by their first names instead of their 'little' granddaughter running into their arms calling them 'Papa' and 'Nana'. But again, no one tried to force her to be 'little'.
Now it was the middle of December, and Grace was emotionally and mentally drained. It had been so long since she had indulged her 'little' side, and she so badly needed and wanted to be 'little', but she was terrified. She was terrified of the memories of her time under Duarte's control, and she was terrified of the possibility that history would repeat itself if she indulged in her 'little' side during the holidays, even though she knew full well that Duarte and Olivia were nothing alike. Being a 'big girl' would ensure that Grace wouldn't have to find out what was in store for little Gracie over the holidays. Being a 'big girl' meant that she didn't have to be perfect.
Thirty minutes later, Olivia walked into the nursery in search of Grace and found her young charge asleep in her bean bag chair with tear tracks on her cheeks and a few stray tears still clinging to her eyelashes. Olivia's heart broke at the sight before her as she squatted down and lovingly stroked Grace's long brown hair to rouse her.
"Grace. Come on, baby, let me see those pretty eyes. Wake up." Olivia coaxed gently.
Grace's dazzling blue eyes slowly fluttered open and she gazed about the room. She hadn't even realized that she had cried herself to sleep in her bean bag chair, and her neck protested the odd angle she had fallen asleep in. Grace's eyes landed on her beloved mentor and her lower lip trembled as more tears filled her eyes.
"Can I have your lap?" Grace choked out, and Olivia could tell by the tone of her voice and the energy in the room that this was her big girl seeking comfort.
"Yes, honey, of course you can. Let's go to your room and cuddle up for a while. Is Jewel coming with us?" Olivia said kindly, looking at the stuffed animal still cuddled in Grace's arms.
"No." Grace carefully set the toy aside.
In Grace's room, Olivia sat on Grace's bed with her back against the headboard. Grace climbed practically on top of Olivia to be cuddled and snuggled down into her arms, laying her head on Olivia's shoulder.
"That's my good girl." Olivia spoke kindly in Grace's ear, lovingly patting her bottom, and Grace's body automatically relaxed into Olivia's upon receiving the praise. It didn't take very long before Olivia could hear Grace whimpering and struggling not to cry, "Baby, you know you can always talk to me about anything, no matter what it is, right? I am right here to help you."
"Just hold me. And love me." Grace whimpered.
"I will always love you, sweetheart. Always. And I am right here to hold you for as long as you want." Olivia assured her, gently kissing her head, "I wish you would talk to me and tell me what's wrong, baby. My good girl has been so sad for so long. Do you want a baby girl weekend?"
"No! No! I'll be good!" Grace gasped fearfully.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhh. You are good, angel. You're a very good girl. Just relax now, I'm right here." Olivia soothed.
There was silence for a long while. The next time Grace opened her mouth to speak, her baby girl side took over, and her words were so shocking that Olivia almost dropped her.
"Dat bad man say bad babies no get holidays."
Olivia listened patiently as Gracie attempted to explain in her own little baby girl way how Duarte had mistreated her during the holidays. Sadly, the least shocking thing that Gracie told her was how Duarte would always make a big deal about putting tons of presents under the Christmas tree, all of them with little Gracie's name on them, and then he would throw them in the fireplace when he was angry with her until there was nothing left for her to open on Christmas Day. What Gracie didn't know was that Duarte had never actually bought anything for her for Christmas, each present he tossed in the fireplace was an empty box. And yet he would beat her if she didn't buy a gift for him.
"I am so proud of you for telling me all of that, sweetheart." Olivia spoke lovingly as she gently rocked her crying baby, "I am so sorry that he did those things to you. Holidays are for everybody who wants to celebrate them, and you don't have to be perfect to 'earn' them. Perfection doesn't exist, it isn't possible for anyone to achieve. Next year, if you want to go trick-or-treating, I will buy you a costume and I will absolutely take you trick-or-treating, and if you want to be 'little' on Thanksgiving, then you go right ahead and be 'little', no one will judge you or hurt you. Now, let's go out to our fireplace, I want to show you something."
Gracie whimpered as she held Mommy's hand and followed her out to the fireplace by the Christmas tree. Gracie looked over at the pile of presents under the tree, most of them with her name on them, and her lower lip trembled. She hadn't meant to, but she had let herself slip into little space, and now she knew exactly what was about to happen.
"I want you to push this button right here, baby." Olivia pointed to a small button on the fireplace.
Gracie hesitantly pushed the button and was a little bit startled when the fireplace suddenly came to life with cheerful flames, radiating warmth throughout the room. Something didn't look right, though. Gracie looked up at Mommy in confusion.
"See, sweetie?" Olivia took her own palm and placed it on the front of the fireplace, "We have a pretend fireplace. It makes pretty flames and keeps us nice and warm, but it isn't real fire, so we can't throw anything in it. Do you want to touch it?"
Gracie fearfully stretched out her hand and slowly placed it on the front of the fireplace next to Mommy's hand. She felt the warmth radiating from the fireplace, but the fire was fake, and upon further inspection Gracie discovered that there was no possible way to open the fireplace, so Mommy was indeed telling the truth when she said they couldn't throw anything in it. Gracie gazed at the fire for a long moment, then she looked over and stared at the presents under the tree, and then looked back to the fire, her little mind working furiously to process everything. Gracie felt herself sinking further into 'little' space, and she looked up at Mommy with tears in her eyes.
"Mommy, baff an' diaper an' cuddles, peeze?" Gracie pleaded.
"Yes, baby, you can absolutely have all of those things." Olivia agreed.
After that day, Grace finally felt safe enough to let herself engage in 'little' space when they weren't working, and Olivia made it a point to make sure that every day they did something to make the holiday feel special for her little Gracie; they did everything from baking and decorating Christmas cookies to going to see Santa to going to the playground to play in the snow. On Christmas Eve, Olivia informed Gracie that Don and Eileen were coming the next day to spend Christmas with them.
"Nana an' Papa is comin'! Nana an' Papa is comin'! Nana an' Papa is comin'! Yay!" Gracie sang happily as she danced around the kitchen in excitement.
"Yes, sweetheart, Nana and Papa are coming to spend Christmas with us tomorrow. Come to the table for lunch, please, and after lunch it will be time for your nap." Olivia carried the food over and set it down on the table.
Gracie crawled up in her chair and knelt on the seat.
"Sit down properly, Gracie-baby. On your tushy." Olivia gave Gracie's bottom a gentle pat, and she smiled when Gracie obeyed her, "Good girl."
"Is 'Manda comin' for Christmas too?" Gracie asked as Mommy placed her bib around her neck, thinking about her blonde babysitter.
"No, lovey, Amanda is spending Christmas with her family. But she texted me and told me that she is coming by today to drop off a present for you." Olivia replied.
"I gets mo'e p'esen's?" Gracie's dazzling blue eyes lit up in excitement.
"Yes, you are getting a present from Amanda, and I'm sure Nana and Papa will be bringing half of the North Pole to spoil you with." Olivia teased, making Gracie giggle.
After lunch, Olivia read Gracie a story and tucked her into bed for her nap. The brunette detective grew concerned when she noticed that Gracie had tears in her eyes.
"What's wrong, baby?" Olivia asked with loving concern.
"No nap! Wanna p'ay!" Gracie whined, although her eyelids were already starting to droop, and Olivia decided to overlook the whining this time.
"I know you want to play, sweetie. I promise there will be plenty of time to play after your nap. Close those pretty eyes now and go to sleep." Olivia made sure that Jewel was tucked safely under Gracie's arm and the covers were tucked around her before she leaned down to kiss Gracie's forehead and quietly left the room.
Gracie tried to pout, but she was too tired as she fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. The baby girl slept for about an hour before her dazzling blue eyes fluttered open again. Gracie crawled out of bed, located a pacifier and popped it into her mouth, and then she went in search of Mommy, carrying Jewel by her tail. Olivia looked up when Gracie walked into the room and smiled at her. If Gracie was feeling secure enough to use a pacifier, it meant that she was okay.
"There's my good girl. How was your nap, baby?" Olivia kissed the top of Gracie's head.
"I sleeped good. I's firsty, I has milk in mine sippy, peeze?"
"Good girl, so polite. Yes, you can have milk. Do you want a Christmas cookie to go with it?" Olivia smiled.
"Cookies!" Gracie's dazzling blue eyes lit up with excitement at the unexpected treat.
After Gracie's milk and cookies had been devoured, there was a knock on the door. Olivia went to open it and was greeted by Amanda standing there holding a present wrapped in green paper with a red bow.
"Hey, come on in." Olivia stepped aside to allow Amanda access into the apartment.
"'Manda!" Gracie cheered as she happily ran into the blonde babysitter's arms, "Is you here to 'sit me?"
"Not today, baby, I can only stay for a few minutes. I'm on my way to the grocery store, but I wanted to stop by and give you your Christmas present." Amanda handed Gracie the wrapped box.
"Fank ew! I puts it under da tree!" Gracie disappeared to put the present under the tree with the rest of the gifts.
"She looks like she's feeling better." Amanda commented.
"I finally got to the bottom of what's been bothering her for the last few months. Let's just say that Duarte really did a number on her during the holidays, and she was afraid that if she let herself be 'little' during the holidays it would all happen again." Olivia explained, "After New Years, I think we're both going to take a week off so that she can have more than just a baby girl weekend. She can be 'little' all week and just relax."
"That sounds like a good idea. Poor baby. You're doing a great job with her, Liv. Both as a baby girl and as a big girl."
"Thanks. Don and Eileen are coming over tomorrow, and I think we'll all be happy to have our little Gracie back."
The next morning, Gracie sat up in her bed and couldn't decide whether she felt safest as a big girl or a baby girl. In the end, she decided to try being a baby girl and see where the day went. She crawled out of bed and went to Mommy's room and peeked inside, but Mommy's bed was empty. So she went to the kitchen where she found Mommy making breakfast. Olivia looked up and smiled. She could tell by the energy in the room that this was her baby girl, but Gracie looked terrified, so Olivia proceeded with caution.
"Good morning, sweetheart. Merry Christmas."
"Mewwy Christmas, Mommy." Gracie smiled as she found herself wrapped in a loving hug.
"Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you go see what Santa left for you in your stocking."
Gracie went out to retrieve her stocking and was shocked to find it practically overflowing with candy and nuts, a brand new pacifier, and a few small toys, and at the very bottom of the stocking she found an orange.
"Mommy! Mommy, lookit! Santa came!" Gracie cheered happily as she ran into the kitchen to show Mommy everything that was in her stocking. Olivia smiled as she helped Gracie peel her orange. Olivia had trouble getting Gracie to sit still through breakfast since the baby girl kept getting up to wander from the kitchen to the living room to play with the toys that were in her stocking. But finally, breakfast was over and Gracie was free to play while Olivia got started on preparing Christmas dinner. The ham would need to cook for several hours. While the ham was cooking, Olivia took Gracie out by the Christmas tree and the two settled on the floor to open some presents.
"You can open a few now, and you can open the rest when Nana and Papa get here." Olivia said.
Gracie was handed the first present to open, and the baby girl just stared at it for a moment as if it would come alive at any moment and bite her. She looked up at Mommy who was looking back at her patiently. Gracie carefully and hesitantly undid the bow and undid the wrapping paper. She carefully pulled the lid off of the box.
Olivia was afraid they were going to disturb the neighbors as Gracie let out a loud squeal of delight. Instead of being greeted with an empty box, the box contained a doll that Gracie had been begging for. After that, Gracie wasn't nearly as respectful of the wrapping paper and ribbon, clawing at it and ripping open each present she was given.
"Fank ew, Mommy!" Gracie cheered as she ran into Mommy's arms to give her a hug for the sixth or seventh time.
"You're welcome, Gracie-baby. Now, how about you play for a while until Nana and Papa get here, and Mommy is going to go back to the kitchen and cook more food. When Nana and Papa get here, you can open the rest of your presents."
Gracie played happily for several hours, until she looked up and went in search of Mommy.
"Mommy, wet diaper." Gracie wrinkled her nose cutely.
"Good girl for telling me." Olivia praised. She guided Gracie to her room and Gracie laid on the bed with her new pacifier in her mouth while Mommy gently changed her diaper. Mommy hadn't made her get dressed yet, so Gracie was still in her Christmas pajamas.
"Mommy, 'toons, peeze?" Gracie pointed to the TV.
"Yes, lovey, you can watch cartoons." Olivia turned on Christmas cartoons for Gracie to watch while she played.
A while later, there was a knock on the door, then the door opened and Don and Eileen let themselves inside the way they always did.
"Nana! Papa! Mewwy Christmas!" Gracie cheered happily as she ran into their arms to greet them with hugs.
"Well, Merry Christmas to you too, snuggle bug." Don and Eileen smiled, delighted to see their 'little' granddaughter looking so happy.
Gracie showed off all of the new toys she had gotten so far while Eileen set down all the packages they had brought with them. Olivia struggled not to laugh; it did indeed look like they had brought half of the North Pole with them. Eileen went to help Olivia in the kitchen while Gracie spent time with her beloved Papa, soaking up all of his attention and affection. She was showing off her yo-yo skills when suddenly the yo-yo knocked over Don's iced tea on the coffee table. Gracie burst into tears, which brought both Olivia and Eileen running to find out what was wrong.
"I's sowwy!" Gracie wailed fearfully.
"Oh, baby, it's okay. It was just an accident." Olivia soothed as Eileen and Don began to clean up the mess with paper towels. The iced tea had started to drip onto the carpet, so Eileen retrieved a cloth and spray.
Gracie just continued to sob in Mommy's arms, convinced that the day was ruined and something terrible was about to happen.
"I's sowwy, Mommy! No 'pank tushy!" Gracie wailed.
"No one is going to spank you, baby. It was just an accident. If your Mommy spanks you, I'll spank your Mommy." Don teased, and Gracie giggled a little bit through her tears.
"If anyone needs a spanking, I think it's Papa for not warning you to watch out for his iced tea." Olivia teased, and Gracie giggled again, "You're not in trouble, sweetie. It was just an accident and accidents happen sometimes. See, it's all cleaned up now and everything is okay. Do you want to open more presents?"
"I still gets p'esents?" Gracie asked, her tears starting to dry up.
"Of course you still get presents, baby girl." Olivia assured her, "Do you remember what Mommy told you about perfection?"
"It not exist." Gracie replied.
"Good girl."
Gracie happily opened the rest of the presents Olivia had bought for her, and then she opened all of the presents that Nana and Papa brought over. Don and Eileen had also brought over several gifts for Olivia, and then Gracie gave a wrapped present to Don and another one to Eileen from her and Olivia.
After lunch, Gracie fussed about taking her nap and earned a swat for whining.
"Ouchy!" Gracie winced, and reached back to rub her spanked thigh, "But, Mommy, no nap!"
"Yes, nap. Nana and Papa and all of your toys will still be here when you wake up." Olivia said.
Gracie laid in her bed pouting up at the ceiling. She wasn't tired, and she would prove it. She would lay awake forever if she had to. Olivia looked in on her fifteen minutes later and smiled when she saw her baby girl sleeping peacefully with her thumb in her mouth. Olivia quietly walked into the room and very gently removed Gracie's thumb from her mouth and replaced it with a pacifier.