This story was originally 4 chapters and starts off during the scene in Olivia's office toward the end of "The Book of Esther" (season 19, episode 20) when she breaks the news to Amanda that she was the one to kill Esther Labott, and continues from there (minus the church scene afterwards).
There are major trigger warnings for past domestic violence, child abuse (physical violence), and religious trauma in this story, as well as a couple of brief mentions of self-harm, so please be aware of that before reading, if these subject matters are triggering for you. I've also made a lot of changes to Amanda's family/past.
Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist in this fic.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Olivia doesn't even know precisely what she is apologizing for as she bears witness to her detective's complete and utter devastation, Amanda in the throes of a meltdown in her office as those raw, broken sobs echo off the walls and pierce straight through to her heart. She paces back and forth on the other side of her desk, wringing her hands in agony as she watches the younger woman slip off the edge of the chair and onto the floor, Amanda's immense grief clearly making it too difficult for her to remain upright.
Olivia is overwhelmed by the events that have led up to this point, unsure if she is saying sorry for the emotional pain that Amanda has had to endure throughout the entirety of this case, or for having to break the horrific news that the bullet from Amanda's gun had been the one to kill Esther Labott in the final showdown with the family. Perhaps it is her perceived failure to be there for the other woman in the way that she needs, Olivia pausing in her quick, terse steps and standing there in silence as the weight of the case that has hit her friend and subordinate so hard threatens to have her sinking to the ground right next to Amanda in a fit of her own despair.
She is swept up in a tidal wave of intense memories and emotions as she recalls Elliot's swift departure from the Special Victims Unit following the shooting he had been involved in, and briefly wonders if Amanda will end up going the same route; the young detective never to return to the precinct again, and Olivia's deepening friendship with her instantly obliterated and erased like it hadn't even existed in the first place.
The extreme worry for Amanda's well-being and the all-encompassing love she feels for the blonde that burns ever brighter with each passing day but is a closely guarded secret, edges out the dread and fear that Olivia has for her possible exit from their squad. The ability to give the comfort that usually comes so naturally to her in these types of situations seems to have deserted her in this moment as she helplessly observes Amanda's demeanor; the small woman now curled into a ball on the floor with her forehead resting against the tiles like she has totally given up.
Olivia knows that she has to break out of this immobile state she has lapsed into and provide the compassion and care that Amanda so desperately needs right now, resolving to put her own whirling thoughts and emotions to the side for the time being. Her legs unlock from their paralyzed position and her feet dislodge from the floor as she makes her way around the desk again and crouches back down in front of the shattered figure of her friend.
"Amanda..." Olivia's voice is rough and barely audible as she speaks her name, words failing her as she struggles to come up with something, anything at all, to try and assuage the younger woman's incredible pain.
Her hands hover uncertainly in the air before closing around Amanda's shoulders and pulling slightly, the gesture meant to urge her to get up from the ground but wanting nothing more than to yank the blonde right into her lap and hold her. Olivia is quite distressed at both the longing to provide this type of physical comfort and the desire to escape from the office and search out a quiet place where she can get herself together and be alone in reflection.
Amanda solves this dilemma for her as she unexpectedly finds a golden head propped up on her thigh after the other woman suddenly slumps over, tears soaking into her pants and gut-wrenching sobs continuing to emit from parted lips. She places a hesitant palm on soft strands of hair and gently begins stroking her fingers through the sleek tresses, the sheer depth of emotion she feels for her colleague alarming and terrifying in its intensity.
"You're going to be okay," Olivia murmurs in a hushed tone, unsure if she actually believes her own words and praying that there will eventually be some truth to what she is saying.
"What have I done?" she hears Amanda choke out around a prolonged whimper, a slender hand grasping onto her knee and squeezing it with a strength that belies her weakened posture and shuddering limbs. "What the hell have I done?"
"It wasn't your fault-"
"Oh, really? Whose fault was it, then?" Amanda's swift reply interrupts the rest of Olivia's admittedly empty assurance as she turns over in her lap, those wide blue eyes practically blazing a hole right through her.
"It wasn't intentional-"
"That doesn't matter," Amanda cuts in again, Olivia's hand stilling in her tender motions and resting gingerly on her detective's forehead, feeling the slick perspiration gathered there. "Esther is gone and her death is a direct result of my actions."
Olivia feels her throat closing up as she watches the twin trail of tears streaking wet pathways down Amanda's flushed cheeks, rubbing her thumb in soothing circles over the worry lines on her skin. She had already been very concerned about how personally Amanda was taking this case and has made sure to keep closer tabs on her than usual, but now she is beyond frightened for her state of mind as Amanda seems to have descended into complete hopelessness in the span of only a few minutes.
"Amanda, I want you to listen to me," Olivia mutters fiercely into her ear as she bends over her prone body. "You're going to be okay. You're going to get through this. I'll be here for you every step of the way, and so will Fin and Carisi. You are not alone in this, I promise you that."
"I'm always alone," Amanda whispers in a tone so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "Just like Esther was. It's possible to be alone when you're surrounded by people, did you know that, Liv? And this isn't about me, anyway. It's about a young woman who needlessly lost her life and those kids who were starved and tortured for years and years."
Olivia frowns at Amanda's somewhat cryptic comment but before she can ask what the detective had meant by always being alone, they are interrupted by a knock on the door and Carisi's voice calling out for them. Her frown deepens when Amanda abruptly pulls away from her like she has been burned, the other woman sitting upright with her legs curled into her chest, arms wrapped around her shins and chin resting on her knees as she stares into the distance with a blank gaze.
Olivia caresses a hand over her quivering back before getting to her feet with the intention of telling Carisi to give them a few more minutes alone, but Amanda is slowly standing up beside her, smoothing her hands over her wrinkled clothing and wiping the tears from her cheeks. Olivia can sense the usual shields going back up and sees a guarded expression falling into place across her face, Amanda blinking like someone coming out of a trance, and she knows that for now at least, this conversation is done.
Later that day, Olivia finds herself standing outside of Amanda's apartment door, shifting nervously from foot to foot while her hand hovers in the air, fingers gripping tightly onto a key and poised to insert it into the lock. Several months ago, each of them had given the other a key to their place in case of an emergency, and while Olivia is unsure if this situation qualifies as a true emergency, she has felt a certain pressing need to be there; a gnawing sensation in the pit of her stomach that has been telling her to come and check on Amanda.
The younger woman has not answered her phone or returned any texts since leaving the precinct, no matter how many times she has called or messaged her, and while the possibility exists that Amanda is just taking some time alone to try and come to terms with what has happened, Olivia needs to see for herself that she is indeed okay and not engaging in any kind of self-destructive behavior.
After knocking repeatedly so Amanda is not startled by her abrupt presence in the apartment if she is actually at home and not drowning her sorrows at some nearby bar or pacing outside smoking a pack of cigarettes, Olivia slides the key into the lock and listens to the soft click. She eases the door open slowly, stepping inside and calling Amanda's name, tilting her head as she waits for an answer and breathing a quick sigh of relief when she hears the shower running in the bathroom.
Suddenly feeling as if she is invading her friend's privacy and thinking that perhaps her worries have been unfounded and Amanda is merely trying to relax and unwind with a hot shower before going to bed, Olivia turns on her heel with the intention of leaving before the other woman realizes she is there.
"Liv? What are you doing here?"
She stops dead in her tracks at the sound of Amanda's confused voice, her heart rate instantly skyrocketing when she whirls around to see the blonde standing there in the nude, a small towel held up in front of her body to cover her breasts and stomach. The towel hangs down to the very tops of her thighs, grazing the smooth skin there and not leaving much to the imagination, its short length threatening to expose everything if Amanda so much as moves the slightest amount in any direction.
Long golden hair is plastered to her head, droplets of water rolling down the pale complexion of her face and the toned muscles of her bare arms and legs standing out in the dim lighting of the apartment. Olivia tears her gaze away from the detective's gorgeous form, one that she has discreetly admired many times in the past although never in such a natural state, her eyes traveling upwards to lock onto Amanda's curious blue orbs.
She can see the tiny red lines in those eyes that she loves so much, the skin around them swollen and puckered as Amanda has quite clearly been crying in the shower, and Olivia wonders if the drops of water on her cheeks are actually tears. She tries to push down the disconcerting arousal that is thrumming just beneath the surface of her concern, while at the same time flooded with another wave of worry at the vulnerable appearance of the small woman in front of her, not wanting Amanda to think she is abusing the privilege of having her own key by just showing up whenever she pleases.
"What are you doing here?" the younger woman repeats softly, her hair hanging in a sopping wet curtain over one shoulder as she cants her head to the side; no condemnation apparent in her tone, just a weary exhaustion and deep sadness.
"I came over to check on you," Olivia explains gently, wanting to take Amanda into her arms and soothe away her pain but careful not to overstep her boundaries any more than she already has. "I was concerned because you weren't answering your phone or messages."
"So you figured you would come over here to make sure I haven't relapsed with my gambling addiction or I'm not drinking myself into oblivion? Or maybe you wanted to make sure I didn't eat my gun." Amanda's voice is dry and somewhat exasperated, a chill running down Olivia's spine at the offhand yet ominous suggestions of the blonde harming herself.
"Amanda-"
"I turned off my phone, Liv, that's all." The other woman holds up a hand as if to ward off her lieutenant's response to what has just been said, the towel slipping incrementally in the process and exposing the upper part of her chest. "I just needed some time to myself."
Olivia averts her gaze as Amanda readjusts the towel, the desire and worry she has for her friend warring so intensely inside of her that it's almost enough to take her breath away. "Well, maybe you've had enough time to yourself," she offers quietly, remembering Amanda's heartbreaking words in her office earlier that day. "You said that you're always alone, so maybe it's better for you to spend some time with me. Or with Fin and Carisi..."
Olivia's voice trails off as she adds her colleagues' names onto the end of that sentence as an afterthought, not wanting to give herself away and reveal her true feelings for Amanda; certainly not at a time like this when the younger woman is so broken and defeated. She watches the wary expression on Amanda's face smooth out somewhat as the blonde takes a cautious step toward her, although Olivia is unable to get an accurate read on what exactly what she is thinking and feeling at the moment.
"I don't want to spend time with Fin or Carisi," Amanda says softly, another drop of liquid rolling slowly over one cheek, and Olivia wonders again if the wetness is from shower water or tears. "I know they're concerned about me but I don't want to talk to anyone tonight."
"Okay, I'm sorry," she replies gently, feeling a wave of guilt at interrupting Amanda's private time and knowing that she herself would want some time alone in this particular situation, if the tables were turned. "I shouldn't have just barged in here the way I did. I can leave."
"Well, I suppose I can make an exception for you, though, Liv," Amanda concedes as a faint smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. "You're welcome to stay for a little while, if you want to."
"Only if you're sure," Olivia whispers in relief, smiling tentatively in return and trying to get her conflicting emotions under control.
"I'm sure," Amanda answers as her gaze visibly darkens, the vulnerability swiftly replaced by a seductive look as if a switch has just been flipped, Olivia's throat going dry when the detective turns around to walk into her bedroom and reveals the taut muscles of her bare backside.
"Um, Amanda..." She feels completely out of her element now, her thoughts in utter turmoil as she watches the younger woman throw a sensual look over her shoulder, one eyebrow arching suggestively. "I think you should put something on."
"Well, seeing as this is my home and you're an uninvited guest, I think I should be free to walk around in whatever state I choose, Liv. But that's exactly what I was about to do, anyway," Amanda responds with a hollow chuckle. "I'm just going to find a pair of pajamas to wear since I'll be staying in tonight." There is a brief pause, a knowing tone in Amanda's voice when she speaks again. "Besides, I didn't think you'd mind a little show. I can see the way you're looking at me, you know. I'm not blind."
"Amanda." Olivia frowns deeply at this reply, her worry and arousal intertwined so tightly that they seemed to have merged into one raging emotion, along with the knowledge that she hasn't been nearly as discreet with her feelings as she had hoped. "I came over here to comfort you and keep you company, and I'm sorry if you've misinterpreted anything I've said or done. I didn't mean to be inappropriate or make you feel uncomfortable."
"There are lots of different ways to comfort someone, Liv." Amanda's tone is low and sultry, Olivia overcome with shock when she shrugs casually and then suddenly lets the towel drop to the floor. "And you said you didn't want me to be alone."
"That wasn't...that wasn't what I meant." Olivia struggles to find her voice, torn between sprinting over and picking up the discarded towel to cover Amanda back up with it, or pinning her to the wall and kissing her senseless.
"Isn't it? Are you sure about that?" Amanda is staring straight at her with a distinct note of challenge in those big blue eyes, one hand braced on her hip and a leg cocked to the side, giving Olivia a full view of her stunning body: rosy nipples protruding from perky breasts and a golden thatch of curls nestled at the juncture of her thighs. "The way you've been looking at me since you got here...you've been looking at me that way for a long time."
"Amanda, I know you're hurting so badly right now, honey," Olivia says softly, trying to keep her voice from trembling when she speaks, thrown for a colossal loop by this unexpected behavior and Amanda's acknowledgment of what she has been trying to keep secret. "But can't you see that what you're doing here is exactly the same as all of the other things you've just listed? Gambling, drinking, harming yourself...this is just another distraction; a way of keeping those thoughts of Esther out of your head."
"So what's wrong with distracting myself?" Amanda shoots back, an edge of impatient anger in her tone. "She's all I can think about and I'd rather do something else instead. I don't want her in my head anymore. And how can you compare having sex with any of those other things? There's nothing wrong with sex, Olivia. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good and needing to feel a sliver of hope when your entire life has gone to hell; when you've done something that can never be forgiven or forgotten."
"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it," Olivia replies gently, taking a step toward Amanda when she sees that confident expression falter for a moment, a sheen of tears noticeable in her eyes. "And I'll admit that the offer is more than a little tempting, but this isn't the right time, Amanda. You need to talk about what happened. You need to start dealing with it and work on moving forward in a healthy way. I know everything seems so out of control right now and you feel like-"
"I just want to feel something other than emptiness, Liv." Amanda's voice is strangled when she interrupts, a choked sob emitting from her lips as she crosses her arms over her breasts like she has rescinded her invitation and is now trying to hide. "I know that I deserve to live with this for the rest of my life but I just want to forget for a little while...about what I did to Esther and what was done to me..."
"What do you mean, honey?" Olivia strides forward to pick up the fallen towel from the ground when it becomes obvious that Amanda is about to fall apart again, wrapping it around the slender body herself when she makes no move to take it from her and feeling the detective sink against her chest. "What happened to you? You've taken this case very personally since the beginning and I want to know why."
Amanda doesn't respond for a moment, her ragged breaths breaking the silence that has fallen between them as Olivia rubs soothing circles around her quivering back, her heart breaking when she finally speaks in a shaking voice.
"Because I know what it's like to be trapped inside a house with a father who hurts you."
Olivia is completely engulfed in Amanda's sweet scent as the younger woman slumps heavily against her chest, her skin fresh and damp from the shower, the smell of coconut shampoo and body wash wafting into the air around them. They are on the floor once again, although this time it's outside of Amanda's bathroom in her apartment instead of inside Olivia's office at the precinct, and their positions are markedly more intimate than they were during the previous situation.
Olivia's head is spinning with conflicting thoughts as she sits there on the cold tiles with her sobbing, naked subordinate curled up in her lap, Amanda's nose pressed into her neck and soaked strands of long hair creating wet patches on her shirt. One hand is stroking in slow circles along the smooth skin of Amanda's back while the other tries in vain to clutch onto the towel that seems determined to slip out of her grasp and pool onto the floor, leaving the smaller woman completely bare to her.
Olivia keeps her eyes averted from the lithe figure as much as she possibly can, training her gaze firmly on the wall in front of them and resolutely ignoring how good it feels to have Amanda pressed so closely into her taller frame. The light touch of Amanda's palm on her own back sends pleasant tingles radiating from her head to her toes, the blonde softly rubbing the material of her shirt in return, as if trying to provide her boss with the same sort of comfort.
For several minutes they remain there without speaking, their bodies entwined together on the floor and Olivia rocking them gently back and forth in an attempt to soothe the devastated woman in her lap, waiting patiently for Amanda to continue with what she was saying about her father. It takes a moment to realize that a pair of lips have replaced the nose that was nuzzling into the side of her neck, Olivia's breath catching in her throat when she feels Amanda press a lingering kiss against warm skin that is quickly becoming overheated.
The nearly imperceptible grinding of a slim set of hips into her own causes Olivia's heart rate to spike sharply and sends a jolt of arousal straight to her core, gritting her teeth at the slight movement and unable to stop herself from mirroring the gesture. The towel has now fallen entirely away from Amanda's body and lies in a crumpled heap on the tiles beside them, a quiet and unanticipated moan slipping from her lips as she feels Amanda take her hand and place it on a pert breast, a dusky nipple instantly hardening beneath her touch.
"Amanda," she growls out with a mixture of desire and reluctance, knowing full well that she needs to put a halt to these actions before they escalate any further and this situation spirals completely out of control. "We have to stop doing this. I want you to talk to me. How about you finish what you were telling me a few minutes ago?"
"I did finish what I was telling you," Amanda murmurs in between soft kisses, Olivia feeling her hand being pressed harder into the detective's small breast and gripping the tender flesh lightly instead of pulling away like she had intended on doing. "My father used to hurt me and that's why I felt such a deep connection with Esther. But that was in the past and I've gotten over it."
There is a brief pause as a wet tongue slides slowly along the pebbled skin of Olivia's neck, tracing delicate designs, the breathy voice in her ear inducing a shiver that races down her spine. "Remember when I said that I didn't want to talk tonight?"
"Yes, I remember," Olivia replies faintly as she finds herself rooted to the spot on the chilly tiles and still holding gently onto Amanda's breast, her response dragged out on a groan of both passion and frustration, and feeling like she is being pulled in two different directions. "If you don't want to talk, that's your choice to make, Amanda. But we're not doing this instead, do you understand me? And that's my choice."
"Well, if you don't want to do this, why are you still sitting here with me? Why aren't you getting up and leaving? Or at least pulling away?" There is an undertone of lighthearted teasing in Amanda's questions, like she is finding her normally tough lieutenant's submission to her advances quite amusing as well as arousing, but Olivia can sense a certain darkness residing there as well; one that is lurking just beneath the surface and threatening to rise up and swallow them both if she doesn't get whatever is bothering her out into the open.
"I'm trying to pull away," Olivia mutters weakly, the firm resolve in her tone crumbling and emitting more like a whine of protest; so unlike her usual self.
A snort of laughter sounds from the younger woman in return but there is no joy whatsoever in the sound, only a bitter sadness. "Well, you're not trying very hard, Liv. You're still touching me like you want to keep going with this."
"Well, you're making it difficult," Olivia huffs out on a sigh, her emotions so twisted and tangled that she feels as if she is on the verge of exploding. "And you're also lying to me."
This statement finally puts a halt to Amanda's actions, the other woman leaning back to look at her with a perplexed frown as Olivia's hand falls away from her breast and they stare intently at each other. "Huh? What do you mean, I'm lying to you? Lying about what?"
"About your father," Olivia replies softly, tucking a wet strand of hair behind Amanda's ear and smoothing her thumb through the teardrops underneath one damp blue eye. "When you said what happened was in the past and you're over it...well, obviously you're not."
Olivia watches as Amanda's face seems to crumple in on itself, stifling a stunned gasp as her fingertips unexpectedly graze the slick heat between Amanda thighs when the smaller woman struggles to break free of her tight grasp and scramble to her feet. "I'm so sorry, Amanda," she says quickly, reaching an arm out as the blonde sidesteps away from her. "I didn't mean to touch you like that. It was an accident."
"I wanted you to touch me like that, Olivia," Amanda snarls in response, crossing her arms over her bare chest and glaring down at her. "I wanted you to help me forget since you just showed up here out of the blue and seemed so interested when you saw that I had no clothes on, but instead you're bringing up a topic of conversation that I don't want to talk about. If you want to apologize for something, then say sorry for that."
"But you're the one who brought it up, honey," Olivia reminds her as gently as she can, shifting into a kneeling position on the floor in preparation for getting to her feet, and already missing the warmth of Amanda's body. "And I'm glad you did. I think you need to talk about it. I know what happened with Esther is eating you up inside and maybe it would be a little easier to bear if you talked everything through."
"I don't deserve to have it easy," Amanda shoots back, turning away with her shoulders hunched defensively and her head bowed down. "I deserve everything I get. I killed an innocent woman, Olivia."
"It wasn't intentional. You did everything you could to save her. You're being too hard on yourself," she argues quietly, grabbing the towel as she stands up next to Amanda and holding it out for the other woman to take. "You deserve compassion and understanding. You deserve lo-" Olivia cuts herself off abruptly when she realizes what she had been about to let slip, her heart fluttering anxiously as it starts up an uneven rhythm inside her chest.
Amanda's head tilts curiously to the side as she takes the towel from her and holds it over the front of her body again, although the small amount of material doesn't cover much and is certainly not enough to erase the images of the detective's beautiful figure from Olivia's brain. "What were you going to say?"
"Why don't you go put your pajamas on and then we can talk?" Olivia suggests softly, purposely ignoring Amanda's inquiry and noticing the hurt expression that flits across her face before it disappears and she wipes an arm over her cheeks to rid herself of any lingering tears. "Do you mind if I make us some tea while you're doing that?"
"Liv, maybe you should just go home," Amanda whispers in reply, all of the passion and anger seemingly drained right out of her now and leaving her deflated and bereft. "I appreciate you coming here to check on me, but I'm guessing this wasn't what you had in mind when you arrived. You probably weren't expecting me to make a complete fool of myself by coming onto you and having another breakdown. Maybe I really am just better off alone."
"Is that what you really think?" Olivia probes gently, taking a step closer to the other woman in an effort to bridge both the physical and emotional gap that has widened between them. "That you're better off by yourself? I want to be here with you, no matter what state of mind you're in."
"But I just thought-" She watches as Amanda swallows hard and struggles with her emotions as she tries to get the words out. "I thought-"
"You thought what, honey?" Olivia prompts tenderly, running her fingers down Amanda's arm and clasping their hands lightly together, relieved when she doesn't pull away from her this time.
"I thought you wanted to be with me," Amanda admits in a low tone, a fiery red blush making its way up her pale neck and into her face. "I see the way you look at me, Liv, and I was thinking you would be okay with...you know. But instead, I just ended up looking stupid and trying to force you to do something that you didn't feel comfortable with. I guess I misread things, huh? I never should have assumed that you would think of me in that way. And I'm sorry for pushing myself on you like that."
Another bout of tears are welling in Amanda's eyes now, Olivia's heart clenching painfully when she sees her blinking rapidly in response, and she tightens her fingers around the slender digits folded into her own. "Amanda, you didn't misread anything and you didn't force me. I do want to be with you in that way," she assures her softly, stepping close enough for their bodies to brush together. "But now is not the right time, honey. Not while things are so fresh and raw for you. I know how much you're hurting and we need to give it some more time."
Amanda nods silently, Olivia unable to get an exact read on how she is feeling about the situation; if the younger woman is relieved to hear that her feelings are reciprocated or disappointed that she doesn't want to follow through with them at the moment. The detective looks so vulnerable and fragile standing there with one hand holding the towel over her chest and the other clutching onto her hand, that Olivia can't help herself by invading Amanda's personal space as she gently disentangles their fingers and wraps her arms around the trembling figure for a hug.
Amanda's towel falls to the floor yet again but instead of picking it up for her once more, Olivia carefully guides her into the bedroom and tucks her beneath the covers on the bed, asking which drawer of the dresser her pajamas are in. Amanda gestures with a tired hand as she snuggles further under the blankets, and Olivia fishes a pair of striped cotton pants with a matching long-sleeved T-shirt out of one of the drawers.
She turns to leave and head out to Amanda's kitchen to make a pot of tea and give her some privacy while she changes, but stops short when she feels a hand on her arm and a soft voice pleading with her to stay. Olivia agrees to remain in the room but keeps her back turned while Amanda pulls the pajamas on, even though she has already seen every inch of her stunning body, and only whirls around when she hears her voice again.
She arches an eyebrow when she sees the younger woman still huddled beneath the covers and holding up a corner of the quilt in an apparent invitation, Amanda's cheeks flushing with color once again as she explains that she just wants company and nothing more.
"Are you sure it's okay that I'm staying for a little while longer?" Olivia questions softly as she climbs onto the mattress beside Amanda and gets tucked under the blankets with her. "Do you want me to make you some tea?"
"I don't want tea, Liv." Amanda's voice is hushed and ragged when she speaks, a damp blonde head coming to rest against her shoulder. "I only want you. I shouldn't have told you to go home. I was just embarrassed. I'm glad you came over to check on me."
"You don't have to be embarrassed, honey," Olivia assures her gently, pressing a light kiss to the crown of Amanda's head and feeling the small form cuddle more closely into her body. "I guess we have a lot to talk about, don't we?"
"How long have you had feelings for me?" Amanda whispers after a short pause, her voice somewhat hesitant as if unsure of whether it's okay to ask.
"Since the moment I first laid eyes on you in the squad room after you transferred here from Atlanta," Olivia admits quietly, feeling the blonde jolt against her in apparent surprise.
Amanda leans back far enough so they are looking one another in the eye, an astonished expression on her delicate features and her jaw hanging slightly open. "But you hated me, Liv."
"I never hated you," Olivia says gently, her heart swelling with love and regret as she gazes intensely into those big blue eyes.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Amanda still seems to be grappling with her shock at Olivia's confession, a deep wrinkle appearing on her forehead as she digests this new information.
"I had a lot of different reasons for staying quiet about it. And there never seemed to be a good time," Olivia replies lamely, shrugging her shoulders as her front teeth catch her lower lip and bite down swiftly, unable to come up with a suitable answer.
"In nearly seven years, there was never a good time?" Amanda's eyebrow arches dramatically, her lips twitching at the corners, and Olivia is unable to tell if she is amused by this response or upset about it. "I wish you had told me sooner, Liv. I've had feelings for you since before I even got to New York."
Olivia laughs softly at this reply, consumed with her own elation and surprise now, although her heart is aching at all of the lost time spent dating other people or being alone when they could have been together. "I guess I'm not the only one who's been keeping a secret, then. You could have said something too, you know," she admonishes with a weary chuckle as she pulls Amanda closer to her again. "We're quite a pair, aren't we? I guess we deserve each other."
"Can I kiss you?" Amanda's voice is shy and nearly inaudible when she speaks, all traces of the bravado from earlier falling away and exposing the uncertainty and nervousness that lie beneath, and Olivia gives her a tremulous smile as she wraps her arms around her.
Their lips meet in a slow, tender caress, the gesture initially light and tentative and almost chaste before deepening bit by bit until they have melted fully into one another on the sheets, hands sliding through hair and legs tangling together as tongues carefully explore each other's mouths. Lack of air finally becomes an issue as Olivia leans away just enough to rest her forehead against Amanda's, breathing the younger woman in and still able to feel the tension radiating from her limbs.
"Talk to me, honey," she urges softly, sweeping a damp golden curl from Amanda's forehead and gazing down at her with loving concern. "I know what a hard time you've been having with everything lately. Tell me what's going on inside your head."
"Too many things," Amanda mutters as she turns her face away on the pillow and closes her eyes, the uncharacteristic vulnerability that is evident on her face and in her body language enough to have Olivia blinking away her own tears.
"What kind of things?" she probes gently, smoothing her thumb in languid circles across the detective's puckered forehead and trying to ease the worry lines that reside there. "Tell me."
"I can't get Esther out of my head. The guilt of what I did to her is eating me alive." Amanda's voice shakes noticeably when she replies, Olivia watching as her eyes squeeze more tightly shut. "And the memories of my childhood. Esther's father reminds me of my own in a lot ways. My parents took religion very seriously back then, and he used it to manipulate my sister and I; used it as an excuse to be violent with us and provoke fear. He twisted it around to suit his own needs and create an environment of terror in our household. I never felt safe there, Liv. Ever."
"I'm so sorry, Amanda." Olivia moves her thumb down to the other woman's closed eyelids and lightly strokes the digit over her puckered skin in an effort to get her to open them again. "Can you tell me what he did that made you so scared? Did he hit you?"
"Yeah, he did. A lot." The shuddering of Amanda's voice becomes more pronounced as she turns entirely away from Olivia on the mattress and curls into a little ball underneath the covers. "I can't remember any part of my childhood where I didn't have some kind of cut or bruise that I had to hide from my friends and the teachers at school, or when I wasn't stealing some kid's lunch because I was so damn hungry. I tried so hard to behave for him but it was never good enough. I always ended up doing something wrong and paying the price for it."
There is a strained pause and Olivia can hear the choked emotion in the other woman's tone when she continues speaking, the strangled sob that wrenches from Amanda's throat causing a tear to slip down her cheek.
"No one was supposed to know what went on in our house, Liv. It was a family secret. Daddy always told Kim and I that we had to be good girls." The detective's voice sounds strangely childlike now, Olivia shifting uneasily across the bed and peering over her shoulder to get a better look at the flushed, tear-streaked face of the woman she loves, her heart aching at Amanda's next words.
"And good girls are never supposed to tell."
Amanda's chilling words are ringing in Olivia's ears as she continues to look over her shoulder and watches the other woman's eyelids flutter open, hooded blue orbs focusing on something in the distance instead of looking back at her. She has the distinct, uneasy feeling that Amanda isn't entirely with her right now, lost in horrific memories of the past rather than being here in the present, and she runs a gentle hand up and down her trembling arm in an effort to ground Amanda with her touch.
"Hey, honey, stay here with me, okay?" Olivia pleads softly, pressing her body into Amanda's from behind and cocooning them both in the warm, cozy blankets on the bed.
"I'm right here, Liv. I'm not going anywhere." Amanda's protested response is mumbled and unsure, that distressing childlike quality of her tone still evident, and Olivia's arm slides around her waist to anchor the small form to her taller frame.
"I know you're physically here but I feel like you're drifting away, in the mental and emotional sense," Olivia explains quietly, her heart aching as a violent shuddering takes up residence in the fragile figure huddled on the sheets in front of her. "Do you want to keep talking or do you need to take a break?"
Olivia feels like she is being pulled in two different directions in terms of either urging Amanda to continue speaking about her past or backing off for the time being, aware that the younger woman might begin shutting down if she is pushed too hard. Amanda's wet hair is creating damp patches on the pillowcase as the shivering increases in intensity, and Olivia doesn't know if the movements are due to being chilly from her shower or the traumatic memories that seem to have overtaken her mind, or if it's a combination of both.
She rests her head on the same pillow as Amanda when she doesn't receive a prompt reply, breathing in the sweet scent of coconut shampoo as the worry for her well-being spikes higher with every passing second. "Amanda, can you answer me, please?" Olivia prods gently, deciding to repeat her inquiry in case the detective is too lost in thought to realize her lieutenant is asking a question. "Do you want to keep talking or do you need to take a break?"
"I don't want to talk anymore." Amanda's voice is practically inaudible when she finally responds, a wave of relief washing over Olivia when she turns around in her arms so they are lying face to face again.
"Okay, honey," she replies softly, running her thumb lightly back and forth underneath one anguished blue eye and catching a teardrop as it rolls off long, dark lashes. "You must be exhausted after everything that's happened. Why don't I let you get some sleep?"
A somewhat panicked frown mars the delicate features of the woman in front of her, Olivia feeling toned legs tangling with her own beneath the covers and slender fingers grasping onto her shirt, like it's now Amanda's turn to be the anchor and she is trying to hold her in place on the bed. "Are you leaving me, Liv?"
"No, of course not. I'll stay as long as you want," Olivia assures her tenderly, observing the unreadable expression on Amanda's face and watching the doubt creep in as she continues speaking. "But if you don't want to keep talking, I think it would be a good idea for you to try and get some sleep. Unless there's something else you would rather do instead?"
"I want to kiss you again," Amanda breathes shakily as slim arms wind around her neck and pink lips hover mere inches from her own, Olivia's heart rate beginning to pick up the pace once more.
"I was thinking more along the lines of watching a movie to help you relax and provide a distraction," she murmurs wryly in response, although she indulges Amanda's need for physical comfort by pressing her mouth lightly against the blonde's, consoled by her apparent return to reality but careful not to let things go as far as they had in the hallway.
They kiss languidly for several minutes, Olivia becoming completely lost in the woman cuddled up against her, all of her senses feeling like they're on overdrive and a swath of goosebumps rising along her body when Amanda's thumb starts stroking a patch of bare skin between the hem of her shirt and the waistband of her pants. Olivia gently removes her mouth from Amanda's when her heart feels like it's about to explode right out of her chest with the force it is pounding with, placing a kiss on her forehead and tucking Amanda's face into her neck as she tightens her grasp on the smaller woman.
"Can you stay the night? I want you to keep holding me," Amanda whispers into overheated skin, Olivia nodding in return and pressing another kiss to her temple.
"Do you want me to get you some pajamas to wear so you don't have to sleep in your clothes?" the younger woman continues, a hint of sultry teasing noticeable in her tone now and Olivia arching an admonishing eyebrow at her next words. "Or you can just sleep naked, if you want. I have no objections to that."
"Amanda..." she warns in a stern voice, unable to help stifle trace of amusement that has crept in and watching the slight smile that plays on her colleague's lips when she tilts her head back to get a better look at her. "The pajamas sound like a good idea to me."
"Okay, Liv." Amanda's fingers are smoothing Olivia's hair back from her face, pleasant tingles radiating from head to toe in response to the affectionate gesture, and she is glad to see that the other woman seems to be more calm and settled now, even though they have barely begun to scratch the surface of her deep-seated issues.
The magnitude of love she feels for Amanda is so overwhelming that it nearly takes her breath away as she watches the detective slide from the bed and pad over to the dresser, a tinge of trepidation coloring her relief and darkening the more placid mood of the room as she wonders what the rest of the night will bring.
Over the course of the next several hours, Olivia is tormented by nightmares that have her awakening frequently in a cold sweat while gasping for breath, frantically looking over at Amanda's prone, snoring form beside her in the bed to make sure she is still there with her before being sucked beneath the black veil of unconsciousness once again. Her dreams are varied and distressing, images of Amanda mingling with Esther Labott and her large family, the plot taking so many twists and turns that Olivia can barely keep up with everything that is going on and is afraid to find out what will happen next as the pictures in her mind move at breakneck speed.
She is in a desperate search for Amanda inside the Labott residence, the house so much bigger than she remembers it being; a maze of rooms and hallways that stretch out before her in a confusing, complicated space that makes absolutely no sense, trying to locate the woman she loves within this vast labyrinth. Olivia can hear her detective screaming from time to time, the sound shrill and agonizing and the hair on the back of her neck standing on end as she sprints from one room to the next with a growing sense of urgency, the terror threatening to choke her as she feels invisible hands wrapping around her throat and squeezing.
No matter how hard she tries, Olivia cannot track down Amanda's exact position inside the house, the blonde's whimpers and wails seeming to come from every direction at once until the noises converge into one continuous howl of anguish. Her brain is spinning in wild circles and she finally collapses to the ground in pure exhaustion, a sob escaping her mouth when it dawns on her that any effort is futile in this situation and she will never be able to find Amanda.
Olivia is curled up into a ball on the floor with her forehead resting against the grimy tiles, remembering that this was Amanda's exact position in her office when she had broken the news that the younger woman's bullet had been the one to kill Esther, and she is perplexed as to how they have ended up back inside the Labott household when the case is now over. She doesn't have much time to contemplate this odd turn of events when she hears a soft sound emitting from the closet beside her, Olivia whirling around to face the set of wooden doors and ordering whoever is hiding in there to show themselves, feeling a sharp spike of fear when she realizes that she is not carrying her gun.
"You need to come in here with me where it's safe." Amanda's ragged whisper pierces the air in response and Olivia's jaw drops open in shock when it registers that she has actually found her amid the crazy warren of rooms and corridors, the other woman's voice emanating from beyond the closed doors.
"Honey, what are you doing in there?" she asks anxiously, scrambling to her feet and grabbing onto one of the handles to pull with all her might, frowning when the doors won't budge and letting out a gasp as her feet slide out from under her.
Olivia ends up right back on the floor, her dreamworld and reality merging together as she blinks rapidly in an effort to clear her watery vision and see properly in the darkness, recognizing that she is no longer in the Labott house but is back in Amanda's bedroom. It takes her a moment to comprehend that she has never left the apartment and has been suffering through a nightmare of epic proportions, although Olivia's panic tightens its hold on her when she becomes aware of the fact that Amanda really is inside the closet and not tucked under the covers where she belongs.
This time when she tries to open the doors, they give way easily to reveal the huddled form of her colleague on the ground, Amanda crouched amid multiple pairs of shoes with several work outfits hanging down around her, the clothing swaying on their hangers when she gazes up at her with unfocused blue eyes.
"Hurry up and get in here, Kim. Daddy's going to find us."
"Honey, it's Olivia, not Kim," she reminds Amanda with gentle patience, trying to remain calm as her heart clenches painfully and that simmering trepidation from earlier erupts into full-fledged alarm. "We're in New York, not Atlanta, and you're all grown up now. You're not a child anymore and your father isn't here with us. You're safe. You've just been having a bad dream."
"No, it's real," Amanda mutters almost inaudibly, Olivia shuffling over on her hands and knees and ducking her head so they are eye to eye in the murky depths of the small space. "Kim and I used to hide in here when our parents were fighting. It was our safe place, kind of like a fort. We snuck in pillows and blankets and flashlights and books. I tried to make it fun for her so she wouldn't be scared."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Amanda," Olivia replies quietly, trying to quell the compassionate tears that are pricking insistently at the insides of her eyelids. "But that was in another time and place, honey. That's not happening right now, do you understand that? It was a nightmare that you thought was real, but it's over and you're awake now."
"One time Daddy wouldn't let us out and then it wasn't our safe place anymore," Amanda is murmuring under her breath, as if Olivia hasn't spoken. "He found our hideout and tore it apart. He took all the pillows and blankets out and ripped the books to shreds and broke the flashlights. And then he moved a dresser in front of the door so we couldn't open it from the inside. He left us trapped in the dark all through the night and most of the next day. We were so hungry and scared and we couldn't use the bathroom."
"Oh, Amanda." One of Olivia's hands is pressing hard against her mouth while the other strokes tangled blonde hair away from the ashen face of the younger woman, Amanda looking tiny and vulnerable as she tucks into a ball on the floor as if to protect herself.
"When he finally let us out, we thought we were going to be fed but he said we had to do more fasting in order to repent." Amanda's voice is strangled as she keeps talking, Olivia shifting closer on the cold tiles and reaching behind her to gently rub her back. "We had to pray and read passages from the bible, even though it had already been so long since we had last eaten. We hadn't done anything wrong, except try to distract ourselves from our parents' arguing, but we were still punished. They were always fighting and we were always being punished."
"Come on, honey, why don't you get up and we can go back to bed?" Olivia suggests softly, wrapping both arms around the small figure and trying to lift her from the tiles but Amanda refusing to budge. "You can tell me more about your childhood when we get you all warm and comfortable again, okay?"
Amanda simply lays her head against her chest without verbally responding, Olivia sighing lightly and pulling the other woman into her lap when it becomes clear that she doesn't intend on moving, still appearing to be entrenched in memories from the past. Amanda seems to be folding herself up into as compact of a position as she can manage on top of Olivia's thighs, and she gathers the quivering form as close to her as she can, the love and worry she is feeling threatening to explode out of her in a giant mess of emotion.
Amanda is shivering violently in Olivia's embrace, and she wishes that she had thought to reach up and grab a blanket from the bed before getting settled on the floor with the detective in her lap. She rubs her hands vigorously up and down the length of Amanda's arms and across her back, trying to infuse the quivering figure with as much warmth as she possibly can, the two of them lapsing into a heavy silence while Olivia rocks them back and forth and Amanda rests her head on her shoulder.
"I tried so hard to save her but I ended up being the one who killed her."
Olivia is so lost in thought that it takes a few seconds for her to realize that Amanda has begun speaking again and has switched topics of discussion, assuming she is talking about Esther now, and feeling a wave of empathy and sadness for the guilt and devastation that is clearly consuming the other woman's soul.
"You didn't mean to," Olivia reminds her softly, pressing a kiss to the crown of Amanda's golden head. "That scene was complete and utter chaos, and what you did wasn't intentional. You tried your hardest to save her. Sometimes these terrible things just happen, Amanda. There's no rhyme or reason for it, and we have to find a way to go on and keep trying to move forward."
"I wanted to help her so badly, though. She reminded me so much of myself; defending her father and telling me how much he loved her, even though she had tried so hard to escape from that hellhole," Amanda mumbles into Olivia's neck. "Family loyalty runs deep, Liv. Even when you think you despise them, there's always that tiny bit of love hiding underneath all of the disfunction. It's like we can't help ourselves because they're our parents. And believe it or not, I do have a few good memories of my childhood. Things were terrible a lot of the time, but not every single second. We did have some good times."
"I believe you," Olivia replies gently as she rests her chin lightly on Amanda's bent head. "Family relationships and dynamics are complicated, especially when there's abuse happening. And it's okay to feel whatever you feel toward your parents."
"My situation wasn't exactly the same as Esther's. There were a lot of differences but my father was just as much of a hypocrite," Amanda mutters darkly, Olivia feeling slender fingers gripping onto the sides of her borrowed pajama shirt and twisting the material in circles. "My mom and sister and I always had to be very modestly dressed; no skirts above the knee or anything low-cut, and Kim and I weren't even allowed to speak to any boys when we were in our father's presence. If my mom looked at another man for too long when we were out in public, there was hell to pay, but my father was free to do whatever he wanted; cheating with the next door neighbor, gambling, drinking, drugs, whatever he was in the mood for. You name it, he was addicted to it. He always preached about being good and behaving in a godly way, when he was the exact opposite. There was a different set of rules for the person enforcing them and the people who were expected to follow them."
Olivia hears the younger woman heave a deep sigh and caresses a tender hand across a prominent cheekbone to urge Amanda to keep talking. She feels small hands squeezing her waist in response and listens as the detective continues speaking, her voice coming out rough and weary and full of exhaustion and pain.
"My mom was caught in the middle of everything," Amanda explains tiredly, leaning more heavily against Olivia as if too fatigued to remain upright. "She always wanted everyone to think she led this perfect life; always playing the part of the good wife and mother whenever we went out, when in reality everything was out of control and she was a complete mess, constantly waffling back and forth on what she was doing and what she believed. She tried to help my father enforce the rules against Kim and I, but she had a rebellious streak and didn't like some of the rules he set for her. She was just as scared of him as we were but she struggled to obey him, and as Kim and I got older, we did too. There was so much fighting all the time. We were all walking on eggshells around each other. My father played God in that household and if we disobeyed, we paid the price, whatever that price was; no food when we were hungry, no school when it was our only escape, no doctor if he hurt us badly enough to need medical attention."
Olivia's heart is aching as she listens to Amanda talk, resolutely blinking back the stubborn tears that are swimming in her eyes and threatening to fall, unable to think of any other way to comfort the woman in her arms besides repeatedly stroking her hand over soft blonde hair and rumpled pajamas in an effort to soothe her with physical touch.
"It was drilled into us from a very early age that what went on behind closed doors was a family secret and good girls didn't disobey their father by sharing his private business with anyone else." Amanda's voice is ragged as she continues speaking about the atrocities of her youth, although there is a curious dry note evident in her tone now. "But I inherited my mother's rebellious streak, which I'm sure you've noticed over the past several years of working together."
"What happened?" Olivia asks with a wary softness, gathering Amanda impossibly closer to her body as if trying to shield her from events that had already taken place so long ago.
"I wasn't a good girl anymore," Amanda whispers brokenly, gazing up at Olivia with tormented blue eyes and an anguished expression. "I finally told someone what was happening to us and I paid the price for it."
Amanda has fallen silent as Olivia continues cradling her, the detective curled up into a tight ball on top of her lap with a golden head tucked into her neck, and she waits as patiently as possible for her to continue speaking. When a few minutes have passed and the room remains quiet, no other words emitting from Amanda's mouth but Olivia noticing that her breathing has begun to pick up the pace, she leans slightly away from the quivering figure slumped against her chest.
"Are you alright?" she asks in concern, stroking her thumbs softly back and forth across Amanda's temples and trying to get the younger woman to meet her gaze when she sees those big blue eyes darting from side to side as if in heightening panic. "Just take your time, honey. Do you need a break from talking?"
Amanda's only response is to inhale a deep, shuddering breath, her mouth wide open like she is unable to suck in enough air, and Olivia once again urges her to get up from the floor. "Come on, let's get you back into bed," she suggests gently but firmly, attempting to stand up while struggling to hoist the small body in her arms, she and Amanda wrapped around each other in a clumsy tangle of limbs as they rise to their feet and shuffle toward the mattress.
They collapse onto the bed together, Olivia throwing a glance at the clock on the nightstand as she helps Amanda get settled underneath the covers, the glowing neon numbers informing her that it's nearly 3am. She wonders if she should let Amanda get some much-needed sleep instead of urging her to keep talking about her turbulent and troubled past, pulling the detective into her chest again when she hears another wheezing gasp for air expel from her throat.
"Okay, honey, just try to calm down and relax," Olivia encourages softly, ducking her head to place a tender kiss on Amanda's lips. "I've got you. You're safe. I know this is very hard to talk about so if you want to try and go back to sleep right now, we can finish our discussion over breakfast."
"I like the thought of that." Amanda's reply is so quiet that Olivia nearly doesn't hear it, and she tilts her head to the side in curiosity as she regards the woman huddled in her arms.
"The thought of what?"
"Of you being here for breakfast." Amanda sounds somewhat hesitant and shy when she answers, a far cry from her earlier confidence when she had been strutting around in the nude after her shower, and Olivia finds herself melting at the more vulnerable and open side of this woman; a side that she has witnessed quite a bit over the past several hours. "It's something that I could really get used to."
"I could get used to it too," Olivia says in a hushed tone, her heart swelling with a wave of love for the small blonde snuggled so tightly in her embrace.
The immense amount of love she feels for Amanda is growing ever stronger with each passing minute, the words hovering right there on the tip of her tongue as if desperate to be spoken aloud, Olivia wanting to be honest about just how deep her feelings go; that it is more than a desire for sex or companionship, more than just a little crush on her colleague, and that she has never felt this way for another human being before. She is aware that the timing isn't quite right, though; that despite the two of them being entwined so closely together on the sheets that no space has been left between them and they have practically merged into a single person, Amanda is far too fragile at the moment to handle any more big news, even if that news is positive.
The younger woman has not indicated one way or the other if she wants to take a break from relating the tragedy of her childhood and try to fall back to sleep, or if she wishes to keep speaking, and Olivia waits in patient silence for several minutes while Amanda makes up her mind. The detective's breathing has slowed down considerably, seemingly much more calm than she was when Olivia had found her on the floor inside the closet, and she briefly wonders if Amanda has finally drifted into slumber before feeling smooth fingertips ghosting over the back of her hand, light patterns being traced on her skin.
"Who did you tell?" Olivia suddenly whispers into the darkness, deciding to forge ahead with their previous conversation now that Amanda is so relaxed against her. "You said that you told someone what was happening to you. Who was it?"
She feels an immediate stiffening of the slim body in her arms and instantly regrets her decision to push forward with this topic of discussion, but feels slightly more at ease with the situation when Amanda doesn't try to pull away from her and begins speaking in a low tone.
"I told a girl from school that I had a crush on," the other woman explains softly, the featherlight tracing on the back of Olivia's hand coming to a halt as she talks. "When I got a bit older, I started realizing some things about myself; that I was different from my sister and wasn't as boy crazy as she was, and I didn't act the same way that the other girls in my class did."
Olivia watches Amanda shrug slightly when she peers down at the detective to get a better look at her face while she continues telling her story. "She never knew that I had a crush on her, though. I never told her. I never told anyone, actually; you're the first. It was my secret shame, being attracted to girls more than boys, and something I always kept to myself while I was living under my father's roof. He would have killed me if he had found out about it. In our household, it was bad enough to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex but it was an outright sin if that person was the same gender as you."
"I'm sorry, honey," Olivia says quietly, trying to comprehend what it must have been like to come to this realization about your sexuality while living in such a strict and abusive household, and then having to keep that realization a secret for fear of the violence that it would elicit. Although her own youth had shared some of the same unfortunate traits as Amanda's, she hadn't been aware of her attraction to women until much later in life, long after she was free from her mother's wrath and could do whatever she pleased.
"If this girl ever sensed that I liked her as more than a friend, she never said anything." Amanda's voice is low as the soft tracing of one fingertip starts up again on the back of Olivia's hand. "We were just very close and I felt this special connection with her, like I was a little less alone in the world when we were together; like I could tell her things." There is a weighty pause as the younger woman hesitates. "Things that were supposed to be kept a secret."
"So you started telling this girl some of the things that you were going through at home?" Olivia prompts tenderly when Amanda falls silent once more, tangling her fingers with the slender digit that is drawing patterns across her skin and giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Yes," Amanda responds almost inaudibly, the small detective squeezing Olivia's fingers in return. "I started telling her bits and pieces of the stuff that was happening in my house, partly because she had begun to notice some things, like how hungry I always was at lunchtime and a bruise on my back when I leaned over to tie my shoes at recess and my shirt rode up. It was strange to have someone finally take notice of these things because I had always been so careful to hide everything. She was someone who actually cared about me and paid attention to me. It was the first time in my life that I didn't feel so alone in the world."
"I'm glad you had her," Olivia says softly, her heart aching for the younger version of Amanda who had endured such prolonged suffering in her childhood, and the adult that she is now holding so tightly in her arms; the agony clearly just as real for her in the present as it had been in the past.
"I was glad to have her too. But it didn't last very long." Amanda's voice sounds broken, her words clipped and shredded as she keeps speaking, the hesitance falling away as if she is finally ready and willing to get everything out into the open. "Her family was very religious too, but not in the same way that mine was. They didn't have all of these weird, strict rules and rituals that had to be followed. She said they just went to church on Sundays and said grace at meals and stuff like that. I knew things were very wrong in my house but it became even more obvious to me than it already was, the more I talked to my friend about it. She made me see just how bad things were at home, just how abusive my father actually was."
Olivia takes immediate notice when the relaxed, limp form of the smaller woman tucked into her embrace gradually begins to tense up, each slender limb stiffening bit by bit until Amanda is lying completely rigid in the circle of her arms and her breathing has picked up the pace once again. She peers down into the detective's face, a wave of anxiety overcoming her when she gets a look at Amanda's pinched expression, her eyes squeezed tightly shut and beads of sweat popping out along her hairline, her thin body shuddering hard.
"Hey, what's going on, sweetheart?" Olivia inquires in a gentle whisper, sweeping her palm lightly across Amanda's pronounced cheekbones. "What's happening right now?"
"It hurts, Liv, it really hurts," Amanda gasps out in a breathless fashion, her fingernails digging so sharply into Olivia's forearm that she winces.
"What hurts, honey?" she replies somewhat urgently, trying to keep the alarm from her voice and make sure the atmosphere in the bedroom remains calm and peaceful. "Tell me where it hurts."
"Everywhere," Amanda sobs raggedly, the younger woman pressing Olivia's hand harder into her cheek as if desperate for more of a physical connection that doesn't cause pain, Olivia feeling warm tears soaking into her skin when Amanda turns her face into her palm. "It hurts everywhere. He hurt me so much, Liv. He just never stopped. Always hitting me and pinching me and kicking me, pulling my hair and pushing me down the stairs. Why won't he ever stop?"
"Oh, baby." Olivia props herself up on one elbow so she is hovering over Amanda's quivering figure, fully aware of the other woman's switch to the present tense, and seeking to soothe and reassure her.
She leans down to lay the softest of kisses on the blonde's closed eyelids and trails her lips very delicately along every part of her face; her forehead, cheekbones, nose and chin, desperate to impart some kind of comfort and her tender gestures the exact opposite of what is currently playing out in Amanda's mind. "He's not hurting you right now. Your father isn't here. It's just us, sweetheart, just you and me. You're cozy and safe, cuddled up with me in your own bed. You're not in your father's house."
"He took us out of school permanently," Amanda chokes out in a barely audible voice that is tinged with grief and regret, a faraway note in her tone like she is still trapped in the horrors of her past and is unaware that Olivia has spoken. "He made my mother start home-schooling Kim and I. That was the punishment for telling my friend some of the things that were happening to me. She told her parents and they came over to the house to check on us and make sure we were okay. My father lied through his teeth; told them we weren't at home and were enjoying a day at the beach with our mother, even though we were all hiding together in one of the bedrooms."
Amanda gives a derisive snort, her teary blue eyes fluttering open to focus on Olivia and the deep anguish that resides there piercing straight through to her heart. "As if we would ever be allowed to go to the beach and wear bathing suits." A roll of her eyes accompanies this statement before she keeps talking. "Her parents completely fell for his act; he was always so smooth and charming and could convince people of anything, that he was just a simple man with a deep love for God and his family. He told them I was just going through a hard time, a phase because of the age I was at, and that he was trying to work through it with me and make me understand that lying was wrong; that he was making sure to give me extra love and attention by spending more time with me at home and praying to God for guidance, that the lord would see us through this tough time. He had an explanation for everything; the bruises, the constant hunger. I was just clumsy and tripped over my own feet, I didn't like my mother's cooking so I refused to eat it."
Amanda rolls her eyes in an exasperated, disgusted manner, as if in disbelief that nothing more was done to help her after she was taken out of school. "I never saw my friend again. He took away the only person I ever felt close to and I was so alone. We'd had small amounts of freedom before; little breaks here and there from the hell of living in that house, but once he took us out of school, we were cut off from everyone and everything in the outside world. We weren't taught much of anything besides what was in the Bible. He was so furious with me because I had directly disobeyed him by telling someone what was happening and that made me a bad girl. The beatings got worse and so did the withholding of food. Sometimes he locked us in the closet or tied us to our beds. There were times that I didn't think I'd ever make it out of there alive, Liv."
"What ended up happening?" Olivia whispers tremulously, the extreme emotion in her voice obvious even though she tries to downplay the anguish she is feeling while listening to Amanda relate the heartbreaking story of her childhood, and imagining the woman she loves as a little girl trapped in that abusive household. "How did you manage to get free?"
"My mom finally got up the courage to leave one night, to escape with my sister and I from that hellhole, but only after my father beat her so badly that she sustained permanent damage." Amanda's voice is quieter now, the tears running in rivulets down her face as she speaks in a tone of both anger and relief. "He accused her of having an affair with some random guy from the grocery store that she'd made the mistake of saying hello to on one of their rare trips out of the house together. It was an absolutely ridiculous accusation to make since she was hardly ever allowed out on her own; certainly not for long enough periods of time to start up a relationship with someone else. My father was still having his own affair with the next door neighbor at that point, something that was perfectly okay in his eyes, but he was adamant that my mom was having one too, and there was hell to pay when she kept denying it. He hurt her so badly that she could barely walk for the next week."
Olivia is silent as she absorbs Amanda's words, tears rolling down her cheeks and dripping off her chin onto her borrowed pajama shirt, the scenes from Amanda's childhood blooming in vivid color inside her mind as the detective describes her ordeal.
"I've never been able to forgive her for that, Liv," Amanda continues softly, big blue eyes that are swimming with tears locking onto her own damp brown orbs. "That it took her own pain and suffering to make my mother wake up and realize what was happening; that it was wrong to remain in that house and help our father treat us so terribly."
"That's understandable, sweetheart," Olivia assures her tenderly, leaning down to press another kiss to quivering pink lips and privately admitting that it is the same for her; that she has never been able to fully forgive her own mother for the way she was treated as a child. "Do you still have contact with your father?"
Amanda shakes her head and tucks her face into Olivia's neck, their arms tightening around each other as they continue to hold onto one another so securely beneath the warmth of the blankets. "My father was killed in a car accident not long after we left. It was very strange to feel so relieved and so sad at the same time. A part of me was ecstatic that he was no longer on this earth but another part actually mourned his loss, even after everything that he had put us through."
"Family relationships are complicated, especially when there's severe abuse happening, and there's no right way to feel," Olivia murmurs into golden strands of hair, repeating what she had said earlier and trying not to get sucked any further into the memories of her own past.
"For a long time, I didn't feel much of anything toward my parents anymore," Amanda mumbles into her neck, Olivia rocking the slender form back and forth soothingly. "I had built a new life for myself and moved on. There was just a kind of numbness whenever I thought about them; a disconnect of sorts, like that life wasn't mine anymore and the events of my childhood had happened to someone else. But then the case with Esther just brought it all back and I couldn't stop myself from doing everything possible to save her."
"Thank you for telling me all of this, Amanda," Olivia says quietly after pausing for a moment to try and absorb everything she has learned, every single excruciating detail causing the ache in her chest to grow even stronger as she presses a kiss to the younger woman's temple and another to her wet cheek. "Thank you for trusting me enough to open up about your childhood. I can see why you became so attached to Esther and wanted to help her so badly."
"But instead of helping her, I ended up killing her," Amanda replies bitterly, Olivia feeling the small blonde go stiff in her embrace once again. "I just wanted her to escape from that house and be free to make her own choices; to have a chance at a full life, like I have. A chance to be happy and to fall in lo-"
Olivia pulls away slightly when Amanda cuts herself off abruptly and ceases to speak, her heart swelling with a sudden wave of hope as she tries to make eye contact with stormy blue orbs that are focused elsewhere and refuse to meet her gaze. "What were you going to say?" she whispers somewhat shakily, rubbing her hand up and down Amanda's back and tucking a silky strand of hair behind her ear.
"Nothing," the other woman mutters, regret and shame evident on her features now as her eyes remain downcast. "Just forget it."
"Amanda, please keep talking to me, sweetheart," Olivia urges softly, scratching her fingernails against the rumpled material of the blonde's pajama shirt to hold her attention. "Tell me what you were going to say. Don't shut down on me now."
She watches as Amanda's shoulders hunch up to her ears and listens as she blows out a shuddering breath, the younger woman chewing on her lower lip for a moment like she is contemplating how to continue, her voice trembling noticeably when she begins speaking again. "I want to be with you so badly, Olivia, and I know you want to be with me too. I can see it in the way you look at me, I can hear it in your voice and feel it when you kiss me. I believe it when you say that you have feelings for me. But it just doesn't make any sense."
"What doesn't make sense?" Olivia asks in a puzzled tone, resting her fingertips beneath Amanda's chin as their gazes finally connect and they stare intently at one another, the air in the room charged with tension and anticipation.
"Why you want to be with me," Amanda replies brokenly, her mouth dragging down at the side as it becomes obvious that she is fighting another round of tears. "You told me that you've had feelings for me for years now but I just don't get why. I'm such a mess. I have a horrible past and now everything has gone to hell again and my future isn't looking so great either. You should be with someone who doesn't have so much emotional baggage, Liv."
"And I don't have baggage?" Olivia challenges gently, sliding her hands upward so she is grasping lightly onto both sides of Amanda's face, their gazes still locked intensely onto each other. "We've both been through a lot in the past, Amanda. We've both had many difficulties to overcome. And I have more than just feelings for you, okay? It goes far beyond just dating or sex." She pauses to suck in a deep breath, her heart fluttering wildly inside her chest with what she is about to reveal, and making the monumental decision to just say the words and get them out into the open. "I'm in love with you, honey. I want to be here with you for everything, no matter what it is; good or bad or in between. I'm here for it all."
The anguish and doubt in Amanda's expression slowly begins to give way to a look of surprise and then a hope that matches Olivia's own, the detective's tears flowing freely once again but a tiny smile playing at the corners of her lips now and her voice sounding wobbly when she answers. "I'm in love with you too, Liv. I have been for as long as I can remember. But I'm just not sure how to move on from this, how to go forward. I feel like I'm going to get stuck here, like everything that has happened with Esther has just paralyzed me, and I don't want to drag you down too."
"You're not going to drag either one of us down because I'm going to keep trying to lift you back up," Olivia responds fiercely, her mouth brushing against Amanda's in a quick, passionate kiss before she rests her forehead against the younger woman's and just breathes her in. "I know it's going to take a lot of time and effort, but I truly believe that you will be able get through this and you're going to be okay. We can move forward together. I've got you, honey. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere, do you understand me?"
There is a full-fledged grin on Amanda's face now as she nods slowly and the tears continue to fall, Olivia smiling in return as she pulls her into a tight hug once again, determined to show the woman she loves that the future is bright and she is no longer alone.