This story was originally posted as chapter 26 of the "Short & Sweet" series and takes place right after "Star-Struck Victims" (season 17, episode 16). Trigger warnings for mentions of rape.
"Short & Sweet" was a series of mostly standalone one-shots that occasionally stretched into longer storylines that lasted for a few chapters.
Olivia sits at her desk as she watches Dodds leave the office, her sergeant's semi-confession to leaking the video featuring the attempted rape of her youngest detective seeming to hang in the air with the weight of a physical object. Her eyes follow him as the door closes behind his retreating form and he takes a seat at his desk, her gaze then straying over to Amanda's hunched frame and noting the slumped shoulders and bowed head, long blonde hair obscuring what is likely a very disgruntled expression.
Olivia feels a swift stab of guilt at the conversation that had just taken place with her subordinate before the interruption by Dodds, biting her lip as she recalls accusing Amanda of leaking the video and bringing up her recurring trust issues with the smaller woman. She has been so blinded by anger and suspicion regarding the video showing up on a local news station, as well as dealing with the disappointment and sympathy for their victim in the wake of a trial that had not ended positively, that Olivia's other feelings on the situation have been buried.
Those feelings are creeping back up to the surface now, however, as she observes Amanda's slumped figure; feelings of horror and shock and sadness overtaking everything else as her mind replays what she had seen on that video and she is reminded of just how close the younger woman had come to being raped again. Olivia knows that she owes Amanda an apology for her accusation, along with wanting to make sure that her detective is doing okay, and resolves to try as hard as possible to wade through the lingering anger and betrayal she still feels at Amanda going rogue.
After a quick glance down at the small stack of paperwork awaiting her on the desk, she notices Amanda getting up from her chair and heading in the direction of the bathrooms, Olivia deciding to follow and slipping as quietly as she can out of her office. She is relieved that the guys are now engrossed in a discussion about the fate of Bobby D'Amico's Netflix series and don't acknowledge her sudden departure from the squad room, hurrying down the hall to find Amanda alone in the restroom.
The blonde detective is leaning against the row of sinks with her hands braced on the counter and her head hanging low once again, looking defeated and exhausted instead of cocky or enraged, like Olivia has seen her lately. This uncharacteristic attitude is pulling at her heartstrings despite the negative emotions she has toward the other woman, Amanda's head snapping up and big blue eyes regarding her warily as Olivia takes a tentative step closer.
"Are you okay?" she asks softly, stopping short when she sees Amanda leaning away from her as if she is invading the younger woman's personal space.
"Not really," Amanda admits in a quiet tone, Olivia's eyebrows raising in surprise when she doesn't receive the customary and expected I'm fine in response.
"Are you having flashbacks or nightmares of Patton because of what happened?" she questions in concern, again surprised at the sparse yet truthful answer that emits from Amanda's mouth in reply.
"Yes."
"But you still chose to go through with what you did, knowing that this might be the outcome." Olivia's statement is spoken without malice, although Amanda's eyebrows draw together in a deep frown, and she realizes that she is much more dismayed about the other woman putting herself in harm's way than choosing to go behind her back and take matters into her own hands once again.
"I had to do something to get those assholes, Liv," Amanda mutters in a fierce tone, tired eyes coming alive with passion and indignation as she speaks. "We couldn't just let them get away with what they've done. I wasn't even thinking about the repercussions to myself; I just wanted justice for the women they hurt."
"I should fire you for doing what you did," Olivia replies flatly, her dark gaze boring steadily into Amanda's and the smaller woman staring right back at her without blinking.
"Well, are you going to?"
"No, I'm not," she answers after a moment's pause, blowing out a breath as she watches Amanda's tense shoulders loosen somewhat at this response.
Her subordinate's chin dips slightly in what might pass for a thank you, a brief expression of relief crossing her delicate features and a whispered "I'm sorry" falling from parted lips.
"You're not sorry," Olivia replies instantly but without a hint of venom in her voice, just frustration and worry with the situation; barely stifling the urge to roll her eyes at Amanda's lack of reply and knowing that this time she is correct about the younger woman lying right to her face.
"How bad are the nightmares and flashbacks?" Olivia continues gently, deciding to return to the previous subject of her concern and letting the rest of it drop for now.
"I'll get through them," Amanda says with a shrug, her gaze straying away to fix intently on a chipped floor tile.
"That's not what I asked," Olivia replies softly, observing another flippant shrug in her direction, like whatever Amanda is currently going through doesn't matter and is not worth the discussion.
"Well, between the bad dreams and Jesse crying for half the night, I'm not getting much sleep lately. And the flashbacks happen a few times during the day, so I guess you could say things aren't really the best right now." There is a slight hitch in Amanda's breathing before she speaks in a more placating tone, as if feeling the need to reassure her boss. "But I know everything will get better soon. This is only temporary."
"Have you started seeing anyone for these issues?" Olivia inquires lightly, fully aware of Amanda's loathing for therapy and immediately predicting the answer she will receive. "Or do you plan on doing that in the near future?"
"I'll be fine, Liv."
"Again, that's not what I asked," she shoots back, trying to push down those rising levels of frustration and worry in the face of Amanda's seeming nonchalance with the matter.
"No," Amanda huffs out in exasperation, throwing her hands into the air and fixing Olivia with narrowed eyes. "But I'm guessing you already knew that. I don't need to see anyone. As I just said, this is only temporary."
"How do you know it's only temporary?" Olivia challenges in reply, one eyebrow arched high on her forehead as she continues to regard her detective with a serious expression.
"Because they always stop eventually," Amanda murmurs in a nearly inaudible tone, a hand coming up to swipe an errant strand of hair away from her cheek. "They did after what happened back in Atlanta, and then after Patton came to New York. Both times I had to go through them for a little while, but then they stopped and I got on with my life."
"So that's what you're going to do now?" Olivia replies tightly, deciding to push just a little bit harder on this subject because Amanda is refusing to acknowledge just how important her mental health is. "Simply get on with your life like you're not being triggered by what happened in that bathroom with those two men?"
"I don't have a choice, Liv," Amanda's voice is louder now as she repeats the gesture of throwing her hands into the air in agitation. "I can't just drop everything to wallow in my own misery. I have Jesse to think about now. I don't have time for this. And I put myself in that situation, like you so helpfully reminded me. So I suppose that I deserve whatever I get, don't I?"
"You don't deserve to suffer through nightmares and flashbacks, Amanda." Olivia's tone softens, her heart aching at the detective's words and recalling how Amanda had said something similar during Patton's trial; that she had knowingly walked into the situation and whatever had happened as a result was her own fault.
Olivia feels an immense urge to wrap this infuriating woman in her arms and soothe away all of the hurt and stress, guilt-stricken at laying the blame on Amanda for what she is dealing with in the aftermath of what had taken place in that bar; knowing this is not the kind of person she is and not who she strives to be every day on this job. She takes another step closer and puts a soothing hand on Amanda's back, feeling the quivering of bunched muscles beneath her blazer and massaging her fingertips into the smooth material.
"Are you okay?" Olivia asks again, stifling the urge to place her hands on Amanda's shoulders and press down in order to prevent the third shrug in a row from the younger woman. "You're shaking. Do you need to sit down?"
Amanda's head moves slowly back and forth in dissent as Olivia watches her mouth drag down at the side, the action indicating impending tears, and she closes the tiny remaining gap between them to take the detective into her embrace. She is shocked when Amanda doesn't immediately pull away but instead rests a cheek against her shoulder, slender arms winding around her waist as the hug is returned, and Olivia tightens her hold around the trembling figure cuddled up to her chest, the two of them standing there in the dingy washroom and clinging onto one another like they haven't just spent the past several days at such odds.
"That video terrified me," Olivia finally admits in a whispered tone, rubbing her palms in wide circles around Amanda's back. "If something had gone wrong and you hadn't been able to overpower those men..."
"I was in control the whole time, Liv. I knew what I was doing." There is a slight quaver in the other woman's stern voice, like she doesn't quite believe what she is saying, and Olivia sighs quietly and bands her arms more firmly around the thin frame of her detective.
The skin of her neck begins to feel damp and she realizes that Amanda is weeping softly, her heart aching in response to her subordinate's pain, and bringing a hand up to stroke tenderly through silky blonde tresses. "It's okay, honey," she says gently, the last of her anger with the situation ebbing away entirely as she seeks to comfort the younger woman in any way that she can. "You're safe now. I've got you."
"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda gasps out, sounding regretful and ashamed. "I didn't meant to break down like this, I didn't intend to fall apart...just give me a minute to pull myself together and then I'll go back out to the squad room."
"Just take your time," Olivia replies patiently, letting the long golden strands of Amanda's hair slip through her fingers while she continues smoothing a hand over her bent head. "There's no rush."
She feels Amanda's body jerk slightly in her arms as the detective lets out an abrupt hiccup followed by a muffled sob, and that strong need to apologize rises swiftly up inside of her again. "I wanted to say sorry for automatically accusing you of leaking the video. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. And I know now that you didn't do it."
Amanda pulls back just enough so they are gazing at each other eye to eye, another frown marring the younger woman's pretty features as she speaks with noticeable confusion in her tone. "What? How do you know that? Did Dodds say something to you? Was he the one who leaked it?"
Olivia is silent in response to this question, not wanting to betray her sergeant's trust but needing to let Amanda know that she is off the hook for this particular transgression. Amanda seems to take the ensuing silence as a yes to her inquiries and gives a slow nod in return, a brief look of satisfaction crossing her tear-streaked face as her hands remain locked onto Olivia's waist, fingers clenched into the sides of her blazer.
Olivia rubs her hands up and down Amanda's upper arms for a moment as the smaller woman takes a deep breath and releases the pent up air bit by bit in an obvious effort to compose herself before they return to the squad room. She watches as another tear slips down her detective's cheek, and that urge to provide comfort and soothe away any lingering stress is powerful enough to have her pulling Amanda against her chest for a second hug.
Amanda seems to melt right into her body like she is very much in need of compassion and support in the wake of everything that has happened with their latest case, and Olivia resolves to keep holding her until the crying has ceased and she is ready to get back to work.