Chapter 61

Perception

"Sanji!"

The blond jumped violently and opened his eyes, brutally brought back to reality. He straightened up on his forearms, panicked. In his chest, his heart was beating wildly and he awkwardly took a deep breath in the hope of seeing more clearly. A feeling of cold, loneliness and intense fear gripped him horribly and he shuddered from head to toe.

Disoriented, the cook took a few seconds to recognize the darkened face of the swordsman above him and to become aware of his hand on his shoulder. Sanji felt the terror recede then, but his body was still shaking despite the mild temperature of the crow's nest. Outside, the night was still dark and he ended up falling back onto the training mat on which he and Zoro had fallen asleep a few hours earlier.

"Another nightmare?"

The blond only nodded, trying to recover his wits while the swordsman's hand left his shoulder. Sanji let out a long sigh. He had probably flailed so much that he had woken Zoro. His sleep had been more peaceful lately but his anxieties had not entirely disappeared and the night encouraged their return. Chopper had told him that the nightmares would maybe never completely stop, the memory of his suffering engraved in his body and in his mind. Sanji just hoped that their frequency would decrease over time even if he clearly was not there yet.

"Is it because of what Chopper said last night?"

"I don't know…"

Sanji straightened up again slowly and ran a hand over his face. The little reindeer had had a long conversation with his friend after dinner. The blond had not recovered his sense of taste or smell for almost three days now, even though the doctor had confirmed the complete elimination of bacteria from his body. There were only two explanations. Either the bacteria had had consequences that Chopper had not noticed, or there was something else. After two days of testing, the little reindeer had come to the conclusion that this time, it was the cook's mind that was blocking his receptors because no other physical damage was visible.

Sanji had taken the blow, both relieved and frustrated but not so surprised. Despite his new confidence, he had quickly perceived that something was still missing because his guilt had not disappeared. He had even told Franky about it at the beginning of his treatment and Sanji had no more doubts about the fact that it was a crucial element. The cyborg had told him to take his time given the pressure he was already under but the blond knew that he would have to confront it to overcome this new obstacle.

The cook understood the mechanism but he couldn't figure out the reason. His mind was punishing him for a fault he wasn't aware of, just like when he had wanted to hurt himself thinking he was helping his friends. A problem remained and as long as he hadn't managed to decipher the signals his mind was sending him, his body would continue to pay the price because Franky had also pointed it out to him, he probably hadn't decided whether or not he deserved the punishment to stop. And his fault, at least in his eyes, had to be terrible if the punishment consisted of preventing him from being able to cook.

Was it the fact of forgiving himself for the mistakes he had made or the weight of his eternal gratitude towards Luffy and Zeff? He would have been tempted to believe it a few days ago but the recent events had allowed him to change his perception on the subject. He was now convinced that the best way to redeem himself and pay his debt was to live his dream in order to help Luffy achieve his goal and to allow Zeff to live his through him. The guilt he felt was no longer associated with this element then, or at least not as much.

Sanji closed his eyes, trying to chase away his discomfort.

"There was my mother, as usual, but my brothers too. It's always quite blurry and I mostly remember the sensations…" The blond finally opened his eyes again and turned his head towards the swordsman who was watching him. Maybe Zoro could help him figure out what was eluding him. "Did I say something?" He wanted to know.

"Not really, but you sent me flying through the crow's nest when I tried to wake you up the first time. It looked like you were struggling against something."

"Ah. I was probably trying to escape from my brothers…"

Sanji sighed before burying his right hand in his hair to try to relax. His nightmares might have had nothing to do with what was blocking him today. Maybe they were just memories that his mind was trying to exorcize. And what memories he had… Although his resolve had allowed him to create much more beautiful ones that he felt particularly proud of, there were still those he would have liked to get rid of.

Yet he had to deal with everything that made him up and at that moment, the shivers continued to run down his body. The cook took a long breath. He knew he was safe on the Sunny. The crew was sleeping a few steps away and Zoro was near him. He had no reason to continue shaking but his thoughts were still invaded by the emotions that his nightmare had made him relive as if he were eight years old again.

"You always do that."

Sanji frowned when Zoro grabbed his hand in his hair to stop him from pulling on it. He then squeezed it in his own and the blond looked at their hands, becoming aware of what he was doing.

"That's because…" He bit his lip and observed his fingers tangled with the swordsman's. "For a while, I couldn't touch my face," he sighed. "It drove me crazy at first and when I could do it again, I had this reflex to check without realizing it. I guess it's become a tic when I feel nervous now…"

Zoro didn't answer but Sanji felt his attentive gaze on him and he tried to remove his hand to plunge it back into his hair without thinking but the swordsman held it back.

"You have no reason to be nervous here."

"I know. It's just… Habits die hard," the cook murmured with a sad smile.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Sanji raised his head to meet the swordsman's clear gaze. Zoro didn't like to ask intimate questions. He listened but rarely initiated conversation. It was his way of respecting his interlocutor, of not making them feel like they needed to share what they felt if they didn't want to. It was his way of giving them the choice.

But Zoro had also figured out that Sanji had a tendency to shy away when it came to himself and this time, he didn't want to look away as he didn't want Sanji to use this excuse. His question was a subtle reminder of his promise to no longer turn a blind eye to the blond's torments as much as an allusion to the cook's own resolution. Sanji knew that the swordsman didn't want him to tell every detail of his nightmares. He simply wanted him not to forget what mattered: Sanji didn't need to suffer alone. He shouldn't let it take over his whole being or he wouldn't be able to get rid of it.

Still, sharing it remained a difficult experience. "I'm not sure…"

Zoro didn't insist and he only pulled the cook against him as he lay back down on the mat and pulled the sheet over them. Sanji followed and closed his eyes as he rested his head on the swordsman's chest, his companion's arms wrapping around his shoulders in a protective barrier. The blond immediately felt himself relax in this warm and powerful embrace. The bulwark of Zoro's body made him less vulnerable to the assaults of his inner world and he soon reopened his eyes, contemplating the shadows of the crow's nest dancing in front of him while the ample rhythm of the swordsman's breathing rocked him.

Suddenly, speaking didn't seem so overwhelming anymore.

"When I was about seven, Judge had me locked up in one of the castle's cells. He had figured out that I'd never give the results he expected and he chose to make everyone believe I was dead."

Zoro said nothing but Sanji felt that he was listening as his breathing had become shorter.

"I had to be hidden so as not to embarrass him so he decided that I'd wear a mask so that no one would see me. You know, those kinds of iron masks that knights wear… I could only take it off to eat. I must have worn it for about six months."

Zoro's fingers brushed against his skin and Sanji wrapped his own arms around the swordsman's waist to better enjoy his warmth.

"It wasn't… so bad at first," he murmured softly. "I mean, it took me a while to accept that Judge had been the one to order me locked up, but I didn't have to take those absurd tests anymore, and I wasn't forbidden from cooking. Unfortunately, my brothers eventually found out that I was still here, and they quickly realized that my survival wasn't a priority for anyone. The irony of it all is that that mask probably saved my life, because it protected me from their blows… Reiju was trying to help me, but with their strength, she wouldn't have been able to do anything about a more serious injury, and I probably would have ended up dying. These…"

The blond swallowed.

"These are often the moments I relive in my nightmares. I know my mom is gone and I'm too weak to defend myself. I can't hide. I can only endure. And even though I know my brothers are no longer a threat today, the memories of what I felt in those moments will probably never disappear. I just hope they'll fade over time."

Zoro didn't open his mouth but his fingers dug deeper into the skin of his companion's shoulders and Sanji gently caressed his waist. The swordsman shouldn't worry. Despite the terror he was still feeling because of his nightmares, the cook was aware how far he had come in the past few weeks. As terrible as they were, those years belonged to the past. Today, he didn't have the same perception.

He raised his head to meet Zoro's dark gaze then, a smile lighting up his face.

"That's when I knew I wanted to be a chef. I found this book about the All Blue and everything became perfectly clear. I had already cooked for my mom and she was the first person who enjoyed my dishes. She strengthened my belief that that's where I belong. I was born to cook and that's what I'll do all my life. Even with a mask, even without my sense of taste or smell. No one will take that away from me."

Zoro stared at him for a moment, clearly surprised, before his hand slowly caressed the blond's cheek and Sanji looked back at him.

"Today, I can say it, Zoro. It was worth it. It was worth it because… I'm here. With you, with the crew. And I'm so happy to be alive…"

Zoro still didn't answer, but the cook felt his emotion when he hugged him for a long time, his body a little too stiff. Sanji hugged him back, a smile on his lips. He meant it. Despite his nightmares and the torments he had endured in recent weeks, life had never seemed so beautiful.

Sanji absentmindedly closed the cupboard while keeping an eye on his pastry cream on the stove. He didn't have much time to make the crew's snacks if he wanted to go back to the market afterwards. He glanced at the packets of flour in front of him and grabbed one to pour over his egg whites before adding sugar and a vanilla pod to make cigars, which he then filled with pastry cream. He had already made a first batch that he would fill with sweeter pastry cream and he checked that the pastries were cooling on the baking sheet a few steps away.

A minute later, he put the next ones in the oven and made a second cream pastry. He hesitated for a moment between several types of flour and sugar. He had decided to make two variations of his snacks because not everyone liked sweetness as much as Chopper or even Bepo, but it wasn't just about reducing the quantities. The consistency had to remain the same and go with the pastry in the same way. It wasn't an easy exercise when deprived of two of his senses, but the blond felt like he wasn't doing too bad so far. Soon, the oven rang and Sanji removed his new cigars, satisfied with their thickness. He then grabbed his whisk again and firmed up his creams before garnishing his desserts.

Behind him, Zoro frowned. He had come to have a drink after spending the early afternoon in the sun to perfect his katas and he had been about to go out when another shrill cry from Luffy had sounded outside. Zoro had then chosen to stay inside a little longer. If the conversation of the two girls on their deckchairs would not have disturbed him to take his nap, it would not be the same with the rest of the crew gathered with that of the Heart around their submarine. Between the noise of those who were actually repairing the ship, that of those who encouraged them with violin like Brook or shouts like Luffy, the swordsman had quickly made the choice to find a quieter corner.

So he had started to observe the cook and it wasn't the first time he had seen him hesitate between two apparently similar ingredients. Sanji himself had told him about this strange conviction he had sometimes when faced with food and Zoro had been immediately intrigued.

"Why didn't you choose the same flour?"

Surprised, Sanji turned to him and looked at the flour he had chosen in the end. He then stared at the swordsman for a moment.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I… I was in a hurry and I wanted this batch to be a little less sweet…"

"Yet you put sugar."

"Yeah, but I used whole sugar; it's less sweet. Combined with certain flours, it's a more or less strong taste and I don't know the ones here very well but the mixture I made for the buns last time worked so…"

"Lemme taste."

Zoro stood up and the blond stepped back to let him approach, suddenly anxious. The swordsman grabbed a spoon and dipped it in the bowl that Sanji had just finished. It was the least sweet pastry cream and Zoro recognized it instantly. It was exactly the mixture that Sanji used to garnish the desserts intended for him. Very little sugar and subtly enhanced by a hint of nuts to counteract the flavor that the swordsman did not like.

"So?"

Zoro turned to the cook's worried face. He then stared at the packet of spelt flour that was still resting on the worktop before looking back at his companion.

"It's the same as usual."

Relief immediately came over the blond. "Geez, I got lucky. I really need to focus…"

"Cook, I think you're using Haki."

Sanji's eyes widened and Zoro gestured with his chin towards the flour. "That's why you're not mistaken even though you can't smell or feel the taste of food." The cook took a few moments to assimilate the information. He then turned to the flour packet and frowned. "I would know if I used it, mosshead. I have mastered Observation Haki for a while now."

"Not regarding cooking. Chopper was right; you make up for your loss."

Sanji stared at his ingredient more, suddenly undecided. "What makes you think it's Haki rather than something else?"

Zoro took a second before noticing the cream he had just tasted. "I'll put different doses of sugar in your cream and we'll see," he decided as he headed to the other side of the worktop.

"What, seriously? You're gonna make me guess?" The blond exclaimed in disbelief.

"You're not gonna guess, you're gonna know."

"But…" Sanji shook his head as Zoro took out small bowls from the cupboard.

"I won't take much cream," the swordsman assured him. "And even if it's disgusting, I'm sure Luffy will eat them…"

The cook sighed. "I have a fifty-fifty chance, mosshead. That doesn't mean anything."

"We can do other tests if you want. You said Nami's tangerines were the hardest fruit to choose."

The cook glanced at his ingredients, hesitant. "Okay, let's test the creams…"

"Turn around."

Sanji rolled his eyes before obeying, his fingers tapping nervously on the wood of his worktop. He then heard Zoro opening and closing sachets, the sound of the spoon against the bowls and the sound of the fork when he incorporated the sugar into the cream. "Make sure to warm the cream with the sugar enough," he suddenly pointed out. "If I see the grains, it'll distort the result."

The swordsman grunted but complied and after several minutes, the blond was finally allowed to turn around.

Sanji immediately approached the four small bowls in front of him. He noted that they looked visually identical because Zoro had taken great care to mix the dose of sugar perfectly. Without tasting, he would not be able to differentiate them. Unfortunately, his taste was failing him and even if he still tended to test his dishes by reflex, it was not something he could count on.

Sanji studied the bowls, trying to concentrate as much as possible. He had no idea how much sugar they contained. Yet he grabbed them one by one and examined them again, trying to imagine the proportions and hoping that an illumination would come. He didn't really believe in the swordsman's theory, but he had nothing to lose. After a few minutes though, he put the bowls down.

"I don't know, mosshead," he sighed.

"Maybe you should taste them."

"I can't feel the taste of food; it won't change anything."

"Your body is working, cook," Zoro insisted. "It's just that you don't have access to the information as usual. Taste them."

Sanji limply grabbed the spoon on the worktop and randomly dipped it into a bowl before putting it into his mouth. As expected, he didn't taste anything, but in front of his companion's heavy gaze, he successively dipped his spoon into the other bowls until he had tasted them all. In the end, he put them down wearily.

"I don't know which one contains the most sugar," he noted with disappointment. "You could have emptied an entire bag and I wouldn't feel the difference…"

Facing him, Zoro frowned. "Focus more."

"Zoro, that's enough. We're not gonna waste food and the cream will be lost if we leave it out in the open air for too long."

"You're not even trying!" The swordsman reproached him.

"Of course I'm trying but it doesn't work!" The cook got annoyed in turn, "I can't trust this feeling and it's better that I learn to cook without relying on my senses! If I know all the proportions perfectly and you all help me identify as many ingredients as possible, I should be able to recreate mixtures and I wouldn't need Chopper to show me the sweetest cake when we go to the bakery!"

At these words, an image of the second bowl suddenly flashed before his eyes and Sanji jumped. He stared at the bowl, his eyes wide, and Zoro observed him attentively, his eyebrows furrowed.

"What is it?"

"The-The second bowl, mosshead. How much sugar did you put in?"

The swordsman stared at him. "It's the sweetest." Sanji dropped onto the stool next to him, his legs suddenly trembling, and Zoro quickly came closer. "How did you do it?"

"I-I don't know," the cook replied, confused. "I was thinking about cakes and the ones Chopper likes. He always prefers the sweetest ones…"

Sanji ran a hand over his face and Zoro looked at the bowls of cream. "Which one would Luffy prefer?"

"Probably the same one as Chopper," the blond murmured.

"What about Robin? And Nami?"

Sanji glanced at the bowls before focusing on his two goddesses. Nami liked the sweet and mild taste of his dishes even if she chose more bitter flavors sometimes. Robin, on the other hand, often chose more full-bodied and rich flavors.

"N-Nami-san would appreciate the first one better and Robin-chan the fourth," he murmured, almost frightened by his own words. He then slowly looked up at the swordsman. "What's the proportion of sugar in each bowl, Zoro?"

The man pointed them one by one. "The second one is the sweetest. I put a little less in the first one then the last one and I didn't touch the third one."

Sanji swallowed. He only had to think of his friends to see the right bowl appear according to the flavor they preferred and the evidence struck him at that moment. His Haki had always worked in relation to people and emotions, so it made sense that his perception had developed through the knowledge he had of them and thanks to the strength of what he felt. Of course, the crew was the most important to him and his desire to continue feeding them had been stronger than anything. So it was quite naturally by thinking of his crewmates that he had trained his ability without even realizing it.

"I use Haki, mosshead…"

"What did I tell you!"

Still in shock, Sanji noticed that a broad smile lit up the swordsman's face and this vision brought him out of his torpor. A huge smile stretched his own lips and he stared at his ingredients still on the worktop, his eyes shining. No matter what happened now, he could always take care of those he loved.

I really like the idea that events don't change, it's the way you perceive them that changes. I wanted to use this effect to illustrate Sanji's progress.

This chapter had three scenes at first, but I removed the last one because it was too dense. You'll have it in the next chapter!