A/N: This is material that I am recycling from mine and Albertson's Not another Obligatory Holiday Special collaboration. We both set out to write a chapter about Ruby and Shannon's respective cultural holidays of which they could enlighten the other about: he wrote about Ruby including Shannon in her family's Hindu Tulsi Pujan Diwas, while I wrote about Shannon including Ruby in her family's Jewish Hanukkah. At one point in my contribution, Shannon told Ruby the story of how Hanukkah came to be in the form of a Fractured Fairy Tale. In the end, I omitted Shannon's yarn from my contribution because it made the whole thing way too long, but I really liked how it turned out, so I kept it, and decided add it to the anthology – this time, instead of Shannon telling the story to Ruby, she is telling an entire audience…
It was a brisk, chilly night in December, and a goodly-sized crowd descended upon the auditorium of Royal Woods High School, where the crowd of spectators would be treated to a most unique holiday recital. After people settled into their seats and the volume of chatter diminished as the house lights were brought down, a big, bright spot shone down onto center stage, and from behind the curtain emerged a dark-haired lady who the whole town recognized by now, as she had been gracing their stages and small screens with increasing frequency.
"Good evening, everyone! Happy holidays!" Mrs. Bernardo greeted the visitors with such grandeur that one might think really put the drama in drama queen. "I say unto you, 'Happy holidays,' for tis the season of many a celebratory observance of festivities! As your December days are enlightened with the glitz and glam of secular consumerism, so shall our talented cast enlighten you on holidays of which you may or may not be familiar! And so, without further ado, let us look into a miraculous December holiday of lights, and how that holiday came to be…"
With that, the flamboyant woman took her leave with a curious Moon Walk off the stage and into one of the wings, while the spotlight shifted over to the opposite side of the stage, where upon a tall stool sat a distinctive young girl whose prominent features were large spectacles upon her freckled face, and a flowing mane of curly brown hair. She was also clad in a dress that was predominantly blue, but accented with touches of white – colors that were symbolic for the holiday, and the faith within which said holiday is observed, of which she was about to speak.
"Hello, everyone. My name is Shannon. My family and I celebrate Hanukkah – a holiday observed by Jewish people this time of year."
As the crowd listened intently, there were three specific people in the audience who positively beamed as they watched the girl upon the stage: two of them were Dr. and Mrs. Tannenbaum, Shannon's loving and doting parents; one was Ruby Patel, and while she was not in drama class for that particular semester, she otherwise would drop any and everything on a Friday night such as this so she could see her girlfriend perform.
Although Shannon had already been on this stage a number of times in the past year and a half, it was usually in the role of somebody else within a third-person story; this time, she was herself playing the role of herself, speaking directly those listening to her story. In a way, it brought back to mind a particular Saturday when she was twelve, and that week's Shabbat service at the synagogue included the announcement of her forthcoming Bat Mitzvah. The shy girl was coaxed up to the pulpit, where she informed the rest of the congregation of the Torah passage she chose to study and read at the ceremony, and how she planned to apply the principles of said Torah portion to her life as the responsible woman her faith would recognize her as upon reaching the age of thirteen. The biggest difference was that the sanctuary of the synagogue did not have a tremendously bright light shining on her that impaired her vision and made it impossible to see the people to whom she spoke.
"I often get asked questions by my friends and peers about Hanukkah, like why do we celebrate for eight nights, and why do we light candles each night? Well, to answer those and other questions, we'll need to go way back in time… so way back, Abe Vigoda was probably just a kid…"
That garnered a big laugh from some in the audience who were familiar with the late actor who was seemingly advanced in his years for decades.
With that, the curtains parted to reveal what appeared to be a temple that stood in the middle of a small desert village. If nobody knew where this place, or what era in time it was, Shannon explained…
"The year: 164 B.C.E. The place: ancient Israel, a.k.a. Judea. The action: an empire strikes back…"
With that, Shannon began to tell a tale that she actually had a hand in putting together; Mrs. Bernardo let her students write a small piece about the holiday they celebrated for added authenticity, and Shannon knew she wanted her piece to be entertaining as well as educational. As she was thrown into darkness so that the audience could focus their sights on the action, Shannon became an off-stage narrator, telling the story with an enthusiastic sense of gusto to help engage the audience.
"Once there was a ruthless king who not only took over a sacred temple that belonged to the Jewish people of Judea, he also decided he wasn't going to let the Jews observe their customs anymore."
From out of the façade of the temple stepped a crown and robe-wearing Spencer, as he made a decree to the Jewish people over whom he ruled, as portrayed by a number of the other drama club thespians, such as Luan, Lyberti, Leo, Amy, Rex, Errol, Roger, and Parvana; each of them dressed in ancient robes and cloaks (and in the girls' case, head coverings similar to hijabs).
"Hey! Listen up all you Jews! I hereby decree that you can't observe any of your customs anymore!"
"DANG IT!" The Jewish people groaned incredulously over the king's decree, some of whom even called such into question.
"But, why, your king-ness?" Luan wailed. "WHYYYYY?"
"I am the king; I can do whatever I want!" King Spencer declared haughtily. "I can make all of your lives miserable to make my life better! I can raise all your taxes to make me richer! If I Bork something, I can blame all of you for it, while I take credit for achievements I didn't actually achieve! I can boast a lot for no reason, because I'm the king!"
King Spencer produced a football, which he then spiked on the steps of the temple, as though he scored a touchdown to further emphasize his last remark.
"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"
"Why do I get the vibe that some misguided nation over two thousand years from now is going to end up with a guy like this as their leader?" Lyberti mumbled to Leo who stood next to her and shook his head.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna step back into my temple, and worship my idols," said King Spencer before he left the Jews with one last note. "You guys really ought to get used to 'em, cause you'll be seein' a lot more of 'em."
Acting upon his words, King Spencer stepped into the sacred temple he took away from the Jewish people, in which he erected a number of statues and busts of his idols, such as Rowdy McQuads, Bobbie Fletcher, Shorty McGillicuddy, among others.
"Yes, unbelievable though it may seem, the king had taken the sacred temple away from the Jewish people, and made it a shrine for the false idols who he decided he wanted the Jewish people to worship as he did, which made the Jewish people feel very despondent."
"We feel very despondent!" The Jews grumbled.
"Oh, woe are we that the king will not allow us to observe the customs that are meaningful to we Jews," said Parvana in great despair.
"It's driving us to schmears!" Luan said with a laugh, before she shed theatrical tears.
"Honestly, that king is an intolerant tyrant!" Lyberti barked.
"You said it!" Amy agreed. "He's so full of schmegegge!" (Baloney, if you will)
"If he wasn't the king, I'd kick him right in the schmeckle!" Luan added with another inappropriate chuckle. (Figure that one out for yourself). The use of such Hebrew words brought about laughter from Jews out in the audience – especially the last part.
"But, he is the king," noted Lyberti. "What can we do?"
"Yes, things were looking hopeless… but, there was one man who could defend the Jewish people… one man who could stand up to the king… one man who could save the day…"
"WHO?!" The Jews were desperate to know of whom their storyteller spoke – mainly the women, as the men among the crowd seemed to have a pretty good idea as to who this man was; he was their brother, after all…
"His name… was Judah Maccabee…"
Up on a hill stood Benny in the role of Judah Maccabee, who looked like a combination of a knight in shining armor who was also an ancient Jewish superhero, with an Israeli flag as a cape that billowed in the breeze behind him.
"That's right, I'm Judah Maccabee," proclaimed Judah/Benny as he struck a heroic pose. "And nobody tells Judah Maccabee what he can or can't do!"
As Judah/Benny made his way into the crowd, they were quick to apprise him of what had happened.
"Oh, Judah Maccabee, we are feeling very despondent!" Luan wailed.
"We're also feeling very oppressed, too!" Lyberti chimed in.
"And very persecuted!" Amy added.
"My people are feeling despondent and oppressed and persecuted?" Judah/Benny asked. "This is serious! Better fill me in here; what's the scoop?"
"It's that intolerant, tyrannical king," said Amy.
"He's taken over our sacred temple and filled it with false idols," added Lyberti.
"And he's got terrible customer service, because he won't service us our customs," added Luan.
"Why, that's revolting!" Judah/Benny exclaimed in consternation before he made a decree of his own to his fellow Jews. "Let's revolt!"
"YEAH!" The rest of the Jewish people cheered in agreement, as they were all on board with the idea of a revolution.
"DOWN WITH THE OPPRESSOR!" Parvana cheered.
"DUMP ALL THE TEA INTO THE HARBOR!" Lyberti cheered.
"FIRE AT THE YELLOW-BELLIED REDCOATS WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITES IN THEIR EYES!" Luan cheered.
"LET'S BURN OUR BRAS!" Amy cheered.
"We're getting way ahead of ourselves here," said Judah/Benny in an attempt to rein in the crowd. "What we need is sure-fire plan to overthrow the king and reclaim our sacred temple…"
"So, Judah and his four brothers mapped out a revolution they were going to call the Maccabean Revolt; their mission was to revolt against the revolting king, and it was sure to be revolutionary for the Jewish people…"
Judah/Benny unrolled a blueprint of the temple, onto which he doodled a defense play to infiltrate said temple and oust the king, represented as a letter 'O', of which he gave out specific assignments to each of his brothers, represented as letter 'X's…
To his taller brothers (Errol and Roger) he instructed: "John, Jonathan, you hit him high…"
To his shorter brother (Leo) he instructed: "Elazar, you hit him low…"
To his other brother (Rex) he instructed: "Simon and I will hit him in the middle! Any questions?"
"Yeah…" Simon/Rex spoke up. "Couldn't we just set up a bunch of ridiculously elaborate booby traps that are so cartoonishly violent they would result in some pretty gruesome deaths to anybody in the real world, like a skull fracture with epidural hematoma?"
The other Maccabees just glared at their brother for his seemingly warped imagination.
"Just a thought," he shrugged.
"Okay, we all know what to do, the time has come to put phase one of the Maccabean Revolt into action! Hands in…" said Judah/Benny as he stuck his hand out before him, while his brothers did the same, like a huddle of football players before they were about to run out onto the field. "ONE-TWO-THREE…"
"MACC-A-BEE!" The brothers chanted.
"Little did the king know just what sort of surprise was in store for him…"
Inside the sacred temple, King Spencer had a football tucked under his arm as he shuffled his way through the statues, busts, and other idols as though he made his way past the defense of an opposing team, but suddenly, he paused with an uneasy look on his face.
"I feel a disturbance in the Force…" he said to nobody in particular, as he craned his neck around the room to see what, or who, was responsible for the disturbance he felt.
Just then, Judah/Benny lowered himself into the room on a pulley to call the king out on his tyrannical intolerance.
"Actually, we find your oppression of our people disturbing…" he said once his feet touched the stage floor.
"JUUUDAAAAAH MAAAACABEEEEE!" King Spencer exclaimed and shook his fist in the most overly theatrical manner imaginable whenever a character came face-to-face with a formidable adversary. "How dare you just barge in on your king like this!"
"You, sir, are not our king!" Judah/Benny argued.
"Uh, you see this crown? And this robe?" King Spencer pointed to his apparel. "Pretty sure that's the giveaway that I'm the king."
"Looks like this emperor is due for some new clothes," threatened Judah/Benny, much to the king's amusement.
"Oh, yeah?" You and what army?" King Spencer taunted.
"Me and this army!" Judah/Benny called out.
That was Judah's cue to the other Maccabees to converge onto the temple from all directions and confront their tyrannical king, who did not seem to be the least bit happy to see these others had basically ganged up on him.
"Hey… five against one… you guys have an unfair advantage!" King Spencer whined.
That was when Judah/Benny felt the need to crack an unnecessarily corny pun in typical light-hearted action hero fashion: "Looks like your game is going to be reigned out!"
The brothers tackled the king, and what followed was your typical, cartoonish dust cloud, as the six of them engaged in a Titanic struggle of a brawl.
"It was a no-holds-barred, battle royale – a fight to the finish; the Maccabees versus the king. Who would win? Who would come out on top? Who would claim ultimate victory in this epic struggle?"
"WHO?!" Asked everyone who brawled amongst themselves as they ceased their fight out of curiosity.
"The Maccabees, of course."
"YEAH!" The Maccabees cheered, much to the dismay of King Spencer.
"In the end, it was Maccabees who came out the victors, as they overcame the struggle, overpowered the king, overturned his reign, and ejected him from the temple, over and out…"
Sure enough, King Spencer was tossed right out of the temple like a bag of garbage, where he made a rather messy landing into a large mud puddle, and needless to say, he did not take the forceful abdication of his ruling very well, as he began to kick his legs and stomp his feet into the mud.
"NONONONONONONO! IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAIR!"
He ripped the crown from his head and tossed it aside before he dropped to his belly, and not only continued to kick his legs, but also pound his fists as well.
"THIS IS MY EMPIRE! MINE! MINE! MINE! I WANT MY MOMMY!"
With that, the former king Spencer curled up into the fetal position, grabbed ahold of his ear with one hand, and sucked on his thumb from the other; all of which brought much humor and entertainment to the audience.
"They did it! Thanks to Judah Maccabee and his brothers, their tyrannical, intolerant king had been disposed of, their sacred temple had been retaken, and the Jews could go back to observing their customs and traditions like they used to!"
"We did it! Our tyrannical, intolerant king has been disposed of, our sacred temple has been retaken, and we Jews can go back to observing customs and traditions like we used to!" Judah/Benny declared to the rest of the Jewish people after all was said and done.
"HOPA!" They rejoiced in Hebrew as they congregated in their reclaimed temple. "WE CAN BE FREE!"
Luan looked about their surroundings and remarked, "Wow, is this place a temple or a mess hall?"
"Yes, aside from the mess that was made in the great scuffle, the king had left the temple in a shambles…"
"Mmhmm, you're right…" noted Judah/Benny. "Now would be a good time to put phase two of the Maccabean Revolt into action!"
"What's phase two?" Luan asked.
"Just the kickoff of this season's newest smash hit," said Judah/Benny.
"You mean…?" Lyberti asked.
"Yes…" said Judah/Benny before he produced a megaphone and exclaimed: "EXTREME MAKEOVER: TEMPLE EDITION!"
"WOOOOOOOO!" The rest of the Jewish people cheered like a trained studio audience.
"There's a lot of work to be done, and fixing up this temple is gonna require a lot of elbow grease… are you with me?" Judah/Benny asked his brothers, as well as the rest of the Jews, who responded with such enthusiasm. Using his megaphone again, Judah/Benny whipped the Jews into a frenzy with: "LET'S DO IT!"
"Retaking and reclaiming their temple was just the beginning, now they had to restore it to its former glory, cleaning it up from top to bottom, inside and out. It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it."
"Yeah, because Mike Rowe hasn't been born yet," chimed in Luan with a chuckle as she applied a fresh coat of paint to one of the interior walls, while others around her partook in other chores, such as sweeping the floors and polishing the columns.
"And now, the moment we've all been waiting for," announced Judah/Benny before he, once again, produced his megaphone and cheered his brothers on. "MOVE THOSE BUSTS! MOVE THOSE BUSTS!"
"The Jews didn't want to worship any of the king's false idols, so the Maccabees removed them from their sight: the statues, the busts, the golden calves…"
Ruby was struck curious to hear that, evidently, it was not just the people of her own culture who were into cattle worship.
"After all was said and done, the sacred temple had been fixed up good as new, and in honor of their great victory, they decided that this would be the birth of a new Jewish holiday…
"Yeah, we're gonna call it, Harmonica!" Luan exclaimed before she pantomimed some sort of a small musical instrument that would be played by blowing into it to produce something of a twangy sound while she hummed the O, Hanukkah song.
"Actually, we're gonna call it Hanukkah," explained Judah/Benny.
"Hanukkah is the Hebrew word for dedication, and the first Hanukkah was born out of the rededication of the sacred temple in the name of Judaism, and to commemorate such a rededication, the Jewish people decided to light an oil lamp that would burn for all times… but, things did not go exactly as they planned…"
Simon/Rex stepped back into the temple with his hands curiously hidden behind his back, as he had an announcement of his own to make: "Hey, gang! So, I've got good news, and bad news…"
"Tell us the good news first!" Luan insisted.
"I like to hear the bad news first," argued Amy.
"Samesies," agreed Lyberti. "I like to hear the bad news first, too."
"Now, wait a minute, I'm a good-news-first man myself," added Judah/Benny.
"I have an idea… now that we're liberated from the tyranny of an intolerant king, let's exercise our newfound freedom and settle this in a more democratic manner by putting it to a vote!" Luan decreed. "Anybody who wants to hear the bad news first?"
Among the crowd within the temple, Amy, Lyberti, Leo, and Errol raised their hands.
"Anybody who wants to hear the good news first?"
In addition to herself, Benny, Roger, and Parvana raised their hands, which brought the vote to an even tie; it fell upon Simon/Rex to be the tiebreaker.
"I think you'll wanna hear the good news first when I tell you why," he noted.
"Alright. What's the good news?" Judah/Benny asked.
"We have a lamp," proclaimed Simon/Rex as he removed one of his hands from behind his back to reveal that he had, indeed, found an oil lamp.
"HOPA!" The Jews cheered in their native tongue once more.
"Great! The sun's beginning to go down, lighting this lamp will be the perfect way to rededicate our temple in the name of Judaism as phase three of the Maccabean Revolt! Way to go, bro!" Judah/Benny exclaimed as he bumped fists with his brother… however, with such good news as this, it made him a little uneasy as to the other sort of news his brother still had to share with them; he asked, "So, what's the bad news?"
Simon/Rex removed his other hand from behind his back to reveal a rather small urn in which contained but a meager amount of olive extract and explained, "We only have enough oil to light it for one night."
"DANG IT!" The Jews jeered.
"Okay, let's not lose our heads," said Judah/Benny as he attempted to mollify the upset of his fellow Jews. "We'll go ahead and light the lamp for tonight, then go out and look for more oil."
"Already in high spirits after retaking, reclaiming, and rededicating their temple, the Jews lit their lamp, and went off in search of more oil, but the most AMAZING thing happened… by the time they had managed to find more oil for their lamp, it stayed lit, not just for one night, and not two, not even three or four…"
As the Jews gathered in their sacred temple once again, they were awestruck to see just how long their lamp remained lit despite there only having been enough oil for it to remain lit for one night. So awestruck was she that Lyberti chose that moment to break into song…
Do you see what I see?
A sign, a sign, a marvelous sight
the lamp stayed lit for eight nights
the lamp stayed lit for eight nights
"And, that is so not normal!" Lyberti remarked after her brief little song.
"Yeah, where'd you get that lamp, Greta's Magic Shop?" Luan asked Simon/Rex.
"No, don't you see?" Judah/Benny said. "This is no magic lamp… this isn't even any magic… it's… a Hanukkah miracle!"
"HOPA!" The other Jews cheered once again.
The curtains closed and the lights were brought down to cheers and applause before the big spot shone on Shannon again as she wrapped up the story…
"And this is why Jewish people celebrate Hanukkah for eight nights. Lighting the candles in the Menorah for eight nights is an everlasting symbol of the original Hanukkah miracle. As is frying kosher food in oil… though, as a doctor, my dad wouldn't recommend such as part of an everyday healthy diet…"
That remark garnered another laugh from the audience, including a hearty chuckle from her father, and a hysterical giggle from her mother.
"Shalom!" Shannon wished peace to the audience in Hebrew before the stage went completely dark again.
The audience responded with another round of applause, though her parents and her girlfriend applauded with more enthusiasm and vigor than anyone else in the house; they couldn't have been prouder of Shannon's little production. Ruby, in particular, had a better understanding about this holiday her girlfriend and her family celebrated, and looked forward to any opportunity she would have to celebrate alongside them in the future.
Now you can see why I opted to omit this from the Hanukkah chapter of Not another Obligatory Holiday Special – this alone is about half the length of the final published version! Even now, this is clearly more than just a drabble, more like a full-fledged one-shot, but I'm still glad I kept it and decided to add it to the anthology. I hope you enjoyed reading it, because it was a lot of fun to envision the characters acting out this little play while I wrote it (especially Spencer embodying a combination of Donald Trump and Prince John). I actually feel compelled to write a follow-up skit of Lyberti telling the story of how Kwanzaa became a holiday. Should I?