A/N: Thanks reviewer for mentioning Randy, I completely forgot to add that part, I thought about it ages ago, like I've been meaning to write this for almost two weeks, and with everything, it just got lost. Again, thank you. It's a moderate piece of info for the story's base.

You'd think Dad would have shown up or something by now. It's a small town, he hasn't moved out of South Park, that I know of. He's probably too drunk to make sense of what people tell him though. Idiot. He and mom finally got divorced when I was around ten or eleven. The years kind of blur together. I, along with most of South Park, had been expecting it. They fought all the time. Things were tight financially for a while, but we managed. Dad tried to be around for a little while, but eventually he gave up. I, at least, I can't speak for Shelly, saw through his bullshit. And I called him on it, and he stopped trying.
Still, if he ever loved her or even if he cared about her, he could at least make the effort to be sober, to be here, even if it's just for a few minutes. I guess that just goes to show you, he was just a dumb teenager at one point, and made some stupid, life altering decisions.

That doesn't matter now though. What matters, is mom. And the rest of us.

I'm not sure how many days it's been that she's been in hospice, I barely had a concept of time before, and now with all this, it's so boned. Last night, like really late, I was about to go to bed, a nurse from hospice called me, she said I should be there because mom had significant changes. So I dressed for the first time that day, and drove to the hospice center. Most of the family was there when I got there, a few others made arrivals shortly after mine.
Her eyes popped open and stayed that way for a while, it happened during her bath. Then she was having trouble breathing, bad problems. However, when I got there, it appeared normal, just a slight hitch where none existed prominently before. I stayed only for an hour, I wanted to be up early the next day. It was after one that I left. I was to be up at seven, a mere six hours later. I got roughly five hours of sleep, and took a monster with me to the lobby of the campus. I only had one class to go to, but I had a week's worth of work for my online class and that week's activity for the class of the day. It took me about three hours to do all the work. As I was nearing the end, one of my partners came and sat with me. We talked little, about possibly hanging out on Saturday if things went well. I vented somewhat, he mostly nodded, I don't blame him, I get angry, and in such cases there isn't much that can be said by another.

The time for our class came and our other partner was in that class too. They sat together, but I sat alone on the opposite side of the room. We traded a few jokes before class though. Things appear good between us, despite the lack of hanging out lately. I can only wish things will remain, I'm just very much a creature of habit, I like routine, I like knowing what I'm going to be doing day-to-day and sticking to that. I have come to understand such cannot always be the case, and so I have become more adaptable but sometimes it is too much and I need that routine. But I am trying to be more adaptable. They're both such good people..., I really do love them, I want them to have their dreams, even if I'm not there to share in those joys, I want those things for them. They deserve it.

I spent a few minutes with them after class, expressing the desire to possibly hang out tomorrow, after class, if our schedules permit. I had to head to hospice. Shelly wanted me to tell mum that it's okay. Personally, I don't see a point in that. But to appease, I will. She's gonna clear everyone out so I can be alone to do so. Upon arriving, I first take off my coat, before going to the bathroom. After I finish in there, I come back to the room.

Shelly and I converse quietly, for a few minutes before she begins to shoo every out, so that I can be alone and talk to mom.

I sit in a chair by the window for a few minutes after everyone has cleared out. I'm really unsure of what I want to say other than what I've been told I need to. As I've expressed, I really have nothing to say. I surprise myself however, as once I get up, standing beside her bed, one hand on the rail, a speech all but pours from my lips.

"Hey mom, I know you know what I think about this shit. But, it's okay. If you need to go, go. We'll be fine. I've told you this countless times, but you have to live for yourself, even if living means dying. At the end of the day, you can only live for yourself. You can't live for anyone else, but yourself. Yeah, I get it, people matter to you, but at the end of the day, you're the one that has to do what's right for you."

I take a breath here.
For some reason, emotion washes over me, I take a deep breath before continuing.

"You're a good person, a really good person. I'm not, and that's not your fault. It is what it is. I think you were a true Hufflepuff, and I'm..., well I'm a true Slytherin. That's not good or bad, it just is. We fit those roles pretty well. It's not your fault, you tried your best. You did what you could. You're a better person than I'll ever be. And that's okay. I see the world differently, and so do you. I can see through all the bullshit. You can too, in a different way though. You took what you saw and used it to help people. I take it and just let it exist, unless it affects people I care for or it's something I believe in strongly. There's a lot wrong with the world. You helped so many people. It's okay mom, it's okay to go. I swear. We'll move on. I know I haven't been the best son, but I'm just myself, just as you're yourself. It is what it is. And as I said, it's okay. Do as you must. I understand. I always have. You're a good woman, so do as you need to for yourself, not others. For once, be selfish. It's okay."

I step away, wiping tears that have come unbidden. I suppose maybe there was some truth to my friend telling me I was repressing stuff. Weird, it doesn't feel like I am.
I text Shelly to let them know they can come back whenever.
Hungry, I browse the various items atop the mini-fridge, settling upon some blueberry loaf cake. It's delicious and barely crumbly, very good quality. When the others re-enter, I'm sitting in the chair by the window again. They putter around the room, talking to mom, announcing their presence. Shelly offers me some of my favorite snack, that I never get because I don't go down the snack aisle, buttery toffee popcorn with peanuts. It sounds strange, but it's actually really good, and I'm a picky person when it comes to food.

I munch away for a few minutes, not wanting to eat all of it, despite being assured it would be fine if I did. I replace the box before retaking my seat, I put earbuds in my ears, using my phone to play my Spotify playlist of random good songs, it's only a few hundred deep, so it doesn't encompass everything I like, just what I've been into recently.
I'm in my own little world mostly, still hungry, but not wanting to eat the stuff that's there for the family who is staying pretty much all the time at hospice. There's food at home, I can wait til I get there and reheat some pizza. I'll be fine. I don't want to be here, I would rather be with my partners or alone. But my presence has been requested so I need to stay for a few hours. I sigh, looking down at the floor, I understand their reasoning but that doesn't mean I agree. I'm an adult for fuck's sake. But as I said, I do understand, and given that apparently I do feel something, I should probably deal with that. I have no idea how to though, death is death. It comes for us all. Hers just so happens to be when she's finally doing things she enjoys.

And it is, what it is. But that doesn't mean I can't feel something about it. And I know that. But that doesn't mean I know what I should be doing. I'm in therapy, I go see her at the end of the week. I guess I'll need to bring this shit up with her.
I grumble to myself, not aloud, but still. But I will do as I need to, I always do.