I woke up as normal, it was seven. Today was the day we were going to put mom's body in the ground. It was an annoying and pointless affair that I had to dress nicely for. I lazed about most of the morning, I didn't have to leave until around 9:30. I played Warframe during that time, before finally going to shower and dress. I wore a pair of nice old work pants and my black button up shirt I'd worn to my senior prom. I combed my hair and brushed my teeth, cleaning my lip ring too. With all of that finished, I gathered my dirty clothes from the floor and returned to my room. Once there, I found my shoes, they weren't nice, just my standard black DCs. I didn't own dress shoes. If the rest of the family wanted to bitch, that was their problem, not mine. The entire morning was a pain, but I piled into the car with the rest of the family when it was time.
Once we arrived at the funeral home, I had to sign some papers, about the bill and whatnot.
Slowly, people started arriving after about an hour. Most of the family was crying, but I, still largely felt nothing in particular.
Kenny showed up and kept me company for about an half hour, before he had to leave. I didn't mind, it was good to see him. He expressed his condolences, but we didn't hug, as he knew how I feel about such things.
At last, came the time to sit down while a clergyman talked about mom, as if he knew her. I tried, to keep my face blank, but I rolled my eyes so often it started to fucking hurt. Everyone that attended, was a fucking mess. People that I knew, hated me, were annoyingly kind. The expectation for me to feel something was pressing on me, like a physical weight, but I still didn't show any real emotion towards the proceedings.
When we went to the gravesite, there were more bullshit prayers and shit, and then she was lowered down. I opted to go with her boyfriend, the man she had been engaged to and his child. I couldn't stand to be around my family any longer. They filled me with too much rage.
The rest of that day, was uneventful really. It felt the same as any other. Everyone kept expecting me to have this breakdown or something, but I was stoic, as usual.
I cried when my pets died, Sparky, especially. They had seen me cry over grandpa, but that wasn't me, that was their emotions projected onto me. What they don't get, what they never will, is that it ended long before we put her in the ground. I'm tired of trying to get them to see I'm not who they think I am. I just fucking tired.
Everyone, my friends, my relatives, they're all expecting me to have like this big reaction or something. I can see it in their faces, in their tones, in what they do. But I'm not one for such things. You'd really fucking think, after 22 years, they would know that shit by now. But they don't get it. And being around them, with all their goddamn sadness and prayers bullshit, is just pissing me the fuck off. I'm so glad, I live on campus. I have no reason to return there now. Time will tell what the future holds for me.