It's been two years now. The only reason I know that though, is because something popped up in my memories on facebook. Oh, how badly I wanted to share the thing I was tagged in and caption it with "So what good did your prayers do?" But I did not, I have not. Not as much as I would love to do that, but it would make me an even bigger asshole than I already know I am. I know there are those that are still struggling with it. I still, can't fathom it. Is it because I've been apathetic for so long? That I can't feel empathy any longer? I used to be very empathetic, as a child. Too much so, one could say. Apathy really took hold when I was eighteen though, I thought it had lessened considerably in the last few years, but maybe it's still there, just easier to feign the emotions I'm expected. That could be honestly, I don't know. I keep moving, doing things I like and the things I must. In honesty, if I don't stop, I can't think, I can't feel. That's probably bad, though, isn't it? Probably.
I was singing yesterday, Welcome to the black parade, because it was on the challenge. During it, my voice faltered entirely and my eyes welled with tears. I can't fathom why, it makes no sense. That song had a similar effect once or twice before, but never so …. So much so as to spring tears. It is troubling, but again, it doesn't really matter does it? I don't think so. I was never really into the band when they were popular, I bought the song because my friends enjoyed it and we would play it together. I still…, hesitate to listen to one of my favorite game-based songs, because all I can think of is when I played it in the hospital. As my mom's body lay there. That moment didn't really affect me, but now I cannot hardly enjoy the song without thinking of that time. It has gotten better, but my thoughts will flit there for a moment sometimes when I see it coming up in the playlist.
It's truly strange to think how self-absorbed I am about things like death. One of my more recent friends, his mother also died, though he is a few years older than me, it is clear he actually feels something regarding her death. I am mildly, I don't want to say curious, but I don't know a better word. I want to ask him about their relationship, ask him what its like to miss someone like that, to miss someone, a person, that's died. My favorite old cat that my mother and I had adopted, finally died as well. I always assumed I would be sad about it or something. But…, I don't think I was fazed in the slightest at the news from Shelly, who had been taking care of him and mom's old house. The only regret I had, was the last time I visited, not stopped to show him some affection, but otherwise, I remained and remain, unaffected. I just don't care, in the way society has attempted to ingrain that I should. Truly, societal expectations are hot garbage. It's irritating to think about, that I'm supposed to care about someone I've never met, died. Big deal? Or even someone I knew, again, big deal? Depending on how close we were, it might take time to accept or whatever, but again, life goes on. Time keeps going. The only difference is the world is short a person, but there's no shortage of people with overpopulation. I guess I'm considerably more pragmatic than I'd ever thought about. I don't know, death just doesn't faze me the way society tries to tell me it should.
So I'm a pragmatist, a realist, and a nihilist. A truly exciting way to go through life, right? Guess I am an asshole, but I knew that. Doesn't matter, I see the world for what it is.