Only Just Begun

by Castlefan6

A/N: This is the sequel to "Trying To Forget." Please read that first. This picks up immediately after that story ends, and there will be a casket ending now after they have talked and talked well in a different manner. What happens? This will be a love story between Caskett that also deals with the consequences of actions, righting wrongs, and how some past history for each of the love birds is revealed. AU.

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I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only.

Chapter 14

Hampton's Home

Next Morning

They decided to use the early part of the day to work on Dr. Burke's assignment, then take a few-hour break for lunch and return to the assignment, but they broke daily for a date night. It could be burgers and fries, but they scheduled time together away from what could be the most hurtful conversation either had ever had or heard before.

"So where would my Lady like to dine tonight?" Rick asked, faking a terrible British accent,

"Actually, Babe, just someplace simple and not too popular with the mainstream. I don't want to share you with your fans tonight. Oh, and Rick, please tell me you didn't try to use that dreadful imitation of an English accent when you were over there?" She smiled as he howled with laughter,

"No, Love, I wouldn't have lasted past the first week if I had. Renae ran interference for me with the household staff and was almost a young Paula when she got her feathers ruffled. She is young, but she really helped me pump out the books." He said with a smile,

"Is that why you're close to her, or is there anything more you would like to add," Kate looked at his face, then said, "Damn it, I did it again. It's just the thought of you with someone new, younger, and prettier than me, just get's me so damn jealous." She said, finally looking at his face,

His big grin gave it away: "I know. I love it when I know you love me enough to get jealous. Yes, there is something I need to add about our story there. She brought her boyfriend to meet me, actually to be vetted by me, and if I didn't approve, the poor guy was going to get shown the door.

"He was more nervous than I was on my first date. Apparently, she told him that if he failed my test, she couldn't see him anymore. She looked at me like her father, who had been absent from her life since she was five years old. I think that's why she and Alexis became so close. She actually asked Alexis if she minded sharing her dad with her.

"What did Alexis say, Rick? I mean, that's a huge compliment to have a young lady consider you her father figure. I know Alexis is a Daddy's Girl, so how did she react?" Kate asked,

"Well, at first, she had the same reaction you did, screamed at me, that she was far too young for me, and I would be making a fool of myself, until she calmed down and Renae told her the story. " He noticed Kate begin to blush and look for something on the floor to stare at,

"Don't get me wrong, Kate, I love that you're jealous, but sweetheart, you need to have a reason to be. So far, I haven't given you any, so can we back that down a bit, please?" He asked; she could tell the next time the subject came up, it wouldn't be as soft or probably not a request. She needed to keep telling herself that she was enough.

"I'm sorry, Babe, message received, tone down jealous Beckett." She smiled,

He grinned, pulled her to him, and kissed her, "No need to be jealous, Kate, I promise you. I've been through the routine of being cheated on, and I would never inflict that pain on anyone,"

"God, I'm an ass. I'm so sorry, Babe, I forgot about,"

"Sorry is not necessary; what is important is that we complete the assignment for Doctor Burke. Where do you want to write your letter?" He asked as she began to see just how kind and forgiving he really was. Even years later, he wouldn't talk badly about Alexis's mother.

"I thought I would use the dining room table; I mean, if that's all right with you." She said timidly,

"That's fine. I'm headed to my office since I need to refer to my journal. So much has happened in the last several weeks that it's hard to remember four or more years ago, not that I really want to, BUT" he paused,

"Rick, I know this is more painful for you than for me since you were the one who was hurt badly. I want you to know that if I could turn back time, I would re-do the entire time we met.

"I mean, I would hope to have the courage to say how I felt about you. I've wasted so much time, even driving you away for four and a half years. That's something I am trying to come to grips with." Her voice cracked. He pulled her in for a hug. "Forward, not Backward, Kate, remember that," he said softly, then turned and headed to his office.

She knew by his face that some of the hurt was still as raw today as it was then. He was trying to let her off. What was new? He always took the blame,

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Rick's Office

Several Hours Later,

Rick opened his journal and did a speed read through the earliest days at the precinct. Her barbs about "Can I shoot him now?" or her unhappiness with having him around her team weren't unexpected. He had told both Roy and Bob Weldon to expect her to revolt when they approved the idea. He breezed through the pages, stopping briefly at Sorensen, then the episode at the hospital where he had to tell her about her Mom's case. He paused and started to write down the thoughts as they flooded his brain.

"Dear Kate,

"I know that this is difficult for you. It is perhaps one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I'm sure Dr. Burke has his reasons, but refreshing my memory from the early days makes the memories come flooding back. I don't have to tell you; there were many more bad ones than those I choose to recall on my own.

"I guess the only way to do this is just do it. The first days at the precinct were not as hurtful as you might think; I even warned of the pushback I would receive, so that's not part of the memories I write about.

"I think the first time I was really hurt was during the kidnapping case. I knew Sorensen had requested you in order to try to revive what you and he had. Your secrets weren't as secret as you may have thought, but anyway, the kiss in the breakroom was just Will trying to revive something that was already DOA in most opinions.

"Then my bright idea wound up pushing you toward him after he was shot. To make matters worse, I had to deliver the news that I knew would end us. The only reason I did was because there were new developments, not only in your case but also additional families who deserved to know the truth about their loved ones.

"I know you were hurt, upset, and hated me for a while, and I don't blame you. The last thing I expected when I returned to the precinct to apologize was your words, "See you tomorrow, Castle." I can't begin to tell you how happy those words made me, but the happiness was short-lived.

"I know I overshared personal information at first about Meredith, but when I asked you permission, yes, it was me requesting you to say something, anything to keep me from accepting the date with Ellie Monroe. You told me to go for it as if I meant no more to you than a bug you would crush with your shoe.

"I did accept that date, not because I wanted to, but because, as you said later, I thought perhaps you would be at least a little jealous. That backfired and just powered you to show me how hurt felt and show me you did, Kate. The Demming Debacle was perhaps the worst period of my life since my college breakup.

"I reviewed my journal for this time, and since I couldn't talk about it with anyone, I revived the old journal. I won't share that with anyone other than the doctors; there are too many raw emotions, and as Dr. Burke said, sometimes, when we say something that we think is helpful, it only adds fuel to an already raging fire.

"I searched for answers from old material I was given dealing with hurt after other instances, but there were no answers. You see, Kate, each day, I brought you a cup of coffee to see a smile on your face, until one day, I walked in to see Tom kissing your neck, your coffee already in your hand.

"It may sound stupid, even as I write this, it sounds so juvenile, but that coffee seemed to break me emotionally. It was OUR thing. Every morning, it was my chance to touch your hand so briefly, a touch that got me through each day. In some ways, it seemed so intimate that, well, it was stupid, but it was the beginning of my hurt.

"As you and Tom grew closer in your personal relationship, your professional relationship with not only me but everyone took a back seat. We had sat together for hundreds of interrogations and interviews. Not once was a suspect ever treated with the contempt, mockery, and hurtful comments that came from Demming, Esposito, and even yourself.

"At first, I brushed it off as you were defending your boyfriend, who should stick to Robbery; his theories about homicide were so off the chart that it not only slowed the investigations but caused a rift between both Ryan and Esposito.

"I didn't feel any remorse for Espo; he dished out enough to earn what he got in return. Kevin walked around almost as if his heart was broken; you never once noticed or asked him what was wrong.

"Even Roy approached me, but it was too late; I had lost respect for him as well as you as a person. Many things are justifiable, but RUDE and HURTFUL BEHAVIOR are never one of them.

"It was an off-the-wall conversation with Gina that made us realize that perhaps we had rushed the divorce. I'll be honest with you: I love her in a special kind of way and always will. If that is an issue, we need to talk about it in earnest because I think I've explained her position in the Castle family.

"It didn't take more than a few hours together, even though she stuck it out for two weeks before we both realized that there could be love, but it doesn't mean compatibility. She took the last chapters to complete the book and returned to New York. I stayed in the Hamptons, trying to get over the hurt and confusion, but I kept coming back to one question:

" Why Kate? Why did you go out of your way to put me down, to hurt me, to lie to me? What had I done to you to justify actions like this toward me? I tried to be a friend, even when you shot me down over and over, then moved out while I was out of town and seemed to distance yourself farther and farther away from me. What was my sin? Trying to help you?

"I realize I can be overpowering at times; it's never my intention, so if that is how you felt, then I apologize from the bottom of my heart; it was because I cared about you and your welfare. Sometimes, I guess I try too hard to protect those I care about, or so Alexis says.

" I know she's correct, so if I have done that to you, please tell me. Please don't say or do something else to get even or to show me how tough you are. Believe me, I know you are as tough as anyone I have ever met.

"I will be honest; I had no intention of returning to the precinct when I returned from the Hamptons; for what reason, I asked myself. I certainly had seen enough of the Kate and Tom show of PDA on full display to last me a lifetime, so why would I return to watch you being with another man?

"It seemed like no matter what I planned, I couldn't stay out of your way. I got a call from my friend about the events that transpired. There were some intense moments, including almost getting shot by Ryan, who came close to making his wife a widow that day.

"As upsetting as that was, it couldn't compare to the treatment by EVERYONE, including Roy, until I found out about your break up with Tom. I cornered Roy and asked him what the hell was going on with everyone, and he told me I had dumped you to take Gina away for the summer. He and I had a discussion we won't relive here, but once again, it was another lie, and Castle paid the price.

"Kate, lies are not only statements you make that you know are untrue. They are also lying by omission when you know the facts and allow others to believe you were a victim. Roy apologized for weeks, but sadly, things were never the same between us, not even the day he called before he died.

"The price of a lie is immense; sometimes it takes years to measure the impact upon someone, but one thing I have learned is that there is ALWAYS an impact. One reason I hate lies so much is that often innocent people get hurt. We can't direct to who or how our actions will impact others.

"I know I disguise my hurt with laughter, probably why you called me a nine-year-old on a sugar rush or words to that effect. When you see someone laughing often, they may not be as happy go lucky as you think. I know many times I laughed rather than say something cruel that would never be able to be retracted. You can say I'm sorry, BUT the damage is done.

"I think I had gone about as far as I could go, and then we seemed to get closer, hell we almost died three times in the same day, you freezing in my arms. My reward? I watched from the elevator after walking away with your wonder, Dr. MB, who scored points just for not going away on another trip, his arms wrapped around you.

"I pulled back, not wanting to be a hindrance to your relationship, remembering the day when Roy called. Hell, I'm not going to write about it; it's hard enough to remember it. Just when I thought my world couldn't get any worse, it did. The cemetery, and I had to face the fact that I had to tell you how I felt at least once before you were taken from me.

"I was told that half of the state of New Jersey heard me when I said, "I love you, Kate, I love you, please don't leave." So, when you told me you didn't remember anything past the shooting, I took you for your word. Why would you lie about that?

"It didn't stop there, not at all. After you returned from your self-imposed exile, you searched me out at a book signing. I, at first, was secretly glad to see you, but I had received a text telling me why you were really there: the warehouse files.

"The moment I saw your face and heard "You can make it out to Kate, the hurt returned. All those nights waiting, wishing, and trying to will my phone to ring for just a quick "I'm fine, Castle, but I don't want to talk." That would have been enough, but nothing. I was left to imagine you were recovering from your wounds with your boyfriend, the hero, Doctor Motorcycle Boy.

"I almost didn't follow you after our encounter outside the signing, but as always, Castle dropped his pride, his hurt, but not the anger as we talked on the swings. You never shared WHEN you broke up with Josh, leaving my mind once again to travel to the worst possible scenario. I don't know if that was to protect you or me, and I guess I never will know.

"I know I acted like an idiot teaming with Slaughter and did some other stupid things. You bailed me out, but when I thanked you, our status was echoed and reinforced within my heart: "Don't worry about it, Castle; it's what real partners do.

"Partner? That's all I was to you? We spent almost four years working side by side every day, but I never progressed past the partner status, at least in your words and actions. I know you were aware that I loved you, even before that awful case where the truth finally came out.

"We had been inching closer to each other over the last year, and then I heard the words that didn't break my heart; they shattered it into a million pieces. I left that day, convinced to see the case out and then leave. It happened that the timing was perfect for another opportunity, one that I almost had gone for years before.

"By the time we had concluded the case, everything was in place; all I had to do was say goodbye and leave. I got as far as writing you the letter, but I couldn't bring myself to send it. That would mean we were over, a finality to something I had dreamed about for years.

"I wrote that letter over three days, and finally, I had to either leave or return the advance that Fox Run had sent. Alexis was already at Oxford with Gina, the woman she considers Mom, so as peaceful as the Hamptons can be, it can be twice as lonely.

"I listened to all kinds of music when I was trying to say goodbye, but when I heard this song, it hit me: you take the bow, and I would take the blame for leaving since no one would ever understand just how emotional I was during that case.

"On the last day, I was in the Hamptons, I heard this song. Although not everything fit, it was so close to how I perceived our relationship, especially after years of everything being Castle's fault, that I listened to it for hours: One Takes the Bow, One Takes the Blame.

"When it's over
And God knows as well as we it is
When we pack up and stack up
What's hers and what's his
When we make up
The stories that cover up the shame

They never will believe.
We simply fell out of love.
So, one takes the bow, and one takes the blame.
It won't be easy
To throw away so many years and smile
But don't feel guilty.

We gave it our best for a while.
But the story we tell our friends
Must always be the same
Cause they never would believe
It was really no one's fault.
One takes the bow. One takes the blame.

One takes the bow. One takes the blame.
That's the way you have to play the game.
Your friends need someone.
They can talk about and blame
And God forbid for my friends need the same.
Ain't that a shame

When we get lonely
And lonely we'll get now and then
Just remember that somewhere.
We both still have a friend.

Love's not forever
And ours went as gently as it came.
So, for all the years, I've loved you.
And you know I really loved you.
You take the bow; I'll take the blame.
You take the bow; I'll take the blame.

"The plane ride to England was perhaps the loneliest I have ever been in my life. Thank God, I was honestly so busy when I first got to England that all I did was work, eat, and sleep. At least I didn't have to dwell on the reason why I was thousands of miles away from you or the words that played on a constant loop in my head.

"I will end this letter by saying I have been honest, perhaps sometimes brutally honest, but I know we have issues that we need to work out. I will never feel safe with you when you aren't honest with yourself and me about the past. It's over and done. We can't undo anything, but we can learn from our mistakes, BOTH yours and mine.

"I know some of the things in this letter will hurt you, and for that I am sorry, truly sorry. I ask you now to forgive me, and please know I understand just how hard you have tried to make things right. Some of our problems reside with me and letting go of past hurts. I'm working on it, Kate, but it won't be something I can do overnight.

"Please know that I do love you. I have loved you for years. I don't think anything can change that, but if we don't resolve past history, from both of our perspectives, our attempts at a relationship will crash and burn and leave us worse than before we began. That's not something I am willing to risk, and I hope you aren't either."

"All my Love,"

"Rick."

A/N: The song is One Takes the Blame by the Statler Brothers. Next up will be Kate's letter to Rick then the visit to Dr. Burke, then the time jump as we prepare for the sequel requested, Till next time, Thx for reading -Tim