Only Just Begun

by Castlefan6

A/N: This is the sequel to "Trying To Forget." Please read that first. This picks up immediately after that story ends, and there will be a casket ending now after they have talked and talked well in a different manner. What happens? This will be a love story between Caskett that also deals with the consequences of actions, righting wrongs, and how some past history for each of the love birds is revealed. AU.

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I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only.

Chapter 15

Hampton's Home

Same Time Frame

Kate gathered her journal, tissue box, a couple of legal pads, and her best writing pen and placed them on the table beside her. She considered refreshing herself from her journals but decided against it. Some entries didn't come out as she had hoped they would, Dr. Burke had thoroughly discounted others.

She glanced around at the room and the pictures hanging from the walls, silently wondering if her image would be there with Rick had she not been so stupid. As Rick had said, that was in the past, and they needed to concentrate on the future.

She began the letter, as always, Dear Rick, and then sat down and looked at the blank sheet of paper below it. What was she supposed to write? Hell, a few words would cover the entire time,

She didn't think she would score any points with Dr. Burke by saying I was a fucking bitch to Rick; she knew he would simply say, "Please explain where, when, and how, Kate," in that damn calm voice of his. The one he always used, no matter how emotional she had become.

She closed her eyes, and the first memory of Rick at the station popped into her mind; God, she had treated him awful. I guess that's the place to start at the beginning.

"Dear Rick,

"It's no secret that I didn't try to disguise my displeasure at having you assigned to my team when you first came to the precinct. At first, I couldn't figure out what the hell Roy was doing. He usually asked me what I thought, but this time, when I asked to speak to him in private, his reply was a terse "Nope" as he walked away.

"I had no idea then just how valuable you would become to us, especially me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I never did apologize for those comments. Can I shoot him now, or do I need to wait? Or worse, He's a nine-year-old on a sugar rush. Both statements weren't true, and I am sorry I said them.

"I know the Candella case, yes, the one that my ex, Will Sorensen, inserted me into his investigation, would not have turned out the way it did without your help. I'm sorry you saw Will try to kiss me; he only got the corner of my lip and my cheek, but I know I allowed you to think and feel something else. Once again, please forgive me.

"I know these don't compare to how I made you feel throughout our partnership; even when you brought me new evidence about my Mom's killing, I played the victim rather than the detective I should have been. You were right; more people than just me needed to find justice; three other families got it, thanks to you.

"You saved my life in more ways than one, and you don't even know it. My mom was a big fan of yours, and when she passed, I started reading your work; God, she had everything you published. It gave me a feeling of being close to her. That was how I survived her murder and my Dad's disease.

"I know I hurt you. I had four years to relive every incident. Perhaps the most significant hurt, at least in the early days, was my lie about Memorial Day and how you found out about Tom Demming and me. That was perhaps the dumbest lie I had told you; I mean, how easy would it be to check to see if I really did work?

"I knew you never checked. Your trust in me was more than any man had ever shown before. When you overheard Tom tell me about the opening near his parent's beach house, I was so embarrassed. Once again, my thoughts were about me., but Dr. Burke pushed me during a session, or was it sessions? I don't remember, but he knew that what I had said wasn't the truth.

"He asked me, How Did Mr. Castle react when he heard the truth?"

"For perhaps the first time, I started to think about how my actions had made you feel. He pushed me hard in those sessions, not letting me off with just one-word answers. I knew you were upset, but for the first time, I had to admit, I had seen the HURT on your face. The happy school kid was suddenly very serious, still kind but serious.

"When you told me this would be our last case together, I wanted to scream No Rick, No, I'm sorry, but I kept quiet. I can't say that I hadn't been warned, hell Lanie was your biggest cheerleader, but I never thought you would leave, never, which is why I probably treated you so terribly. I knew you loved me, something other significant others had said but never shown as you had.

"I was hurt when I saw the pictures of you kissing Kyra. I know, I know, she married Gregg, and we went to the wedding. She was the first woman I had seen you with who was real; the love was real. If I'm being honest, she once had what I wanted with you but was too afraid to act on it.

When Tom Demming showed up, and you all but invited him to pursue me, I was sure you never did care about me and was angry that I had imagined that you had feelings for me. You know me well enough to know that when I am hurt, I don't roll over. I strike back.

"Dating Tom was my way of punishing you for Kyra, then later for dating my friend Maddie. She knew how much she had hurt me in high school, so it didn't matter that I had Tom. She should not have made a play for you. She was right when she accused me of wanting to make little Castle babies, but I couldn't admit it then. I tried to make you jealous, just like a high school student would do; it backfired when you went away with Gina for the entire summer.

"The summer I had imagined with you turned into a nightmare. You and she filled my dreams every night, making love by the beach. Hell, who was I? She was your ex-wife, a woman you promised to love forever, and here I sat all summer.

"Once again, Dr. Burke got on my case, telling me that I couldn't just put you on a shelf until I was ready for a relationship and that you had options.

"I know you never knew that I broke up with Tom right before coming into your going away party thrown by the boys, who, by the way, told me you weren't leaving just for the summer but for good. I was going to confess my feelings for you and ask if the invitation to the Hamptons was still open, and then Gina showed up as we were talking outside the room.

"I felt betrayed and, once again, like a second-class citizen," I told my psychologist in my session the next day. Once again, Dr. Burke let me have it big time, asking me WHY you're leaving bothered me so much and even asking if I had feelings for you.

"My answer was the standard: It's complicated. He stared me in the eye and said in a tone I had never heard before, "Yes, it is, and I'm looking at the one person who is making it so. " He put his pen down and ended the session. I was assigned homework to make me realize that I was the problem, not the injured.

"Please forgive me for that period of our relationship. I know if at any time you were ready to leave me forever, this would have been it. I know now just how close I came, and it terrifies me, even after enduring our four-year separation. I knew what I had done then, but, well, we've talked about why you left later, and I'll address that shortly.

"I saw the displays in the bookstore, so I knew you were home from the Hamptons and the book had been finished. You hadn't called all summer, something you usually would at least text once or twice when you were away for a week; this time, crickets.

"When we went to the crime scene and Ryan almost shot you, I didn't know what to think? I know you got hell from everyone; I recall the plea, "Would someone tell me what I have done? Looking back, I am ashamed that not only did I treat you terribly, but I also caused others to do so as well.

"Everyone, including Roy, treated you terribly because I had let them believe you had dumped me to take Gina to the Hamptons; I never corrected it. I'm sorry. I should have set the record straight, so yet another lie—this time by omission—and once again, you paid a high price for it. Please forgive me.

"The day you met Mike Royce, I'm sure you picked up that I was crazy about him. Well, it was a struggle internally for me, but he made me feel safe. He was someone who perhaps could make you jealous and force your hand to pursue me. I know now that this was stupid, especially since it turned out in the manner it did.

"You proved over and over that YOU would never hurt me or disappoint me. I know you didn't buy that. It was just a ruse when I told Mike that I had been in love with him, then asked if I kept him on the line long enough for a trace. You knew, hell, how could you not, that I did love him, and once again, someone I loved had let me down.

"I read my journal for that day, and this is a quote, "Dr. Burke let me have it again today, about lying to myself and then to others. He knows that I love Rick, no matter how hard I try to deny it. Now, all I have to do is get the courage to tell Rick and hope he still has some love left for me."

"So many times I wanted to tell you, but it always seemed like one of the boys or someone else would interrupt our moment. Rick, on the day Jerry Tyson had you in that hotel room, I thought I had lost you forever. I drove so fast, thinking I would find your body, and I wanted to kiss you so badly when I knew you were all right.

"I know I sent mixed signals throughout our time together, like later that night at the hospital when I brought you a coffee and held your hand on your leg; I can't tell you how happy I was to have you there to touch and hear your voice.

"Then, of course, the next day, I acted like nothing had happened when I was so much in love with you, even then. When we worked with Fallon on the dirty bomb case, we came face to face with death three times in one day.

"Each time, I knew in my heart that no matter what happened, I would be fine; if it was the end, at least I would leave this world loving you, even if you didn't know it. I almost got it out in the freezer car, but I fell asleep before I finished what I wanted to tell you.

"Of course, once again, my words and Josh's actions hurt you immensely; please forgive me. I never knew he was coming to the station. I wanted to talk to you that day, confess how I felt about you, and then end things with Josh, but I was a coward again.

"I let you walk to that elevator with a look on your face I had never seen before on you or will never forget. It was a look of exhaustion and giving up. You had been hurt enough, and I knew that night I had done what others thought I wanted.

"I had chased you away, if not from the precinct, from my heart. Please forgive me, Rick. I wish I had a thousand do-overs, but you told me once there is no such thing in life, and you're right.

"Things went back to normal, at least my normal. I was confused as hell but so happy to have my partner next to me. The night that I got the call about Royce's murder, I will never forget the look on your face at the scene; you knew just what Mike meant to me. You tried to protect me, as you always do,

"I know I hurt you when I asked, if it was me would you just walk away Castle? I know that hurt you; you knew I loved Mike, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I acted the way I did in Los Angeles. I can't blame anyone for interrupting our talk that night but me.

"What you don't know about that night was I opened my door to continue our conversation and confess that I did love you more than anything or anyone in the world but saw your door closing. I had waited too long, and I didn't have the courage to walk a few feet across the room, knock on your door, and tell you how I had felt for years. Please forgive me for being a coward again.

"I told you the letter that Lanie handed me from Mike was personal, and it was. I didn't tell you that he implored me to act on the love he saw we had for each other. His closing line was," You don't want to reach the end of the line and look back only to say, "If Only." He was right, and I thought about the IF ONLY the entire time you were gone from my life.

"This is where it is going to get tough, Rick; I mean, it's something that I've talked about with Dr. Burke for hours, but never someone that I love, my love, you. The night Roy was killed, I know we weren't on the best of terms, but when he called, you came to save me. You never deserted me, Babe, no matter how rotten I treated you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am.

"I know Roy was ready to die. I even forgave him before you carried me out as he instructed you to do. At least he died knowing that. I didn't know that he had called you or that my Dad had done the same thing. I remember the awful things I said to you, and I don't know if you could ever forgive me for that.

"Then came the funeral and the sniper; you claimed you were trying to knock me out of the way, Rick. I don't care if that is true or not; you put your life in danger, again for mine. I'm surprised that you didn't take the bullet, but according to the doctors, you managed to move me just enough so that it wasn't what was intended: a Kill Shot.

"When I look back on all of the lonely nights, four years, six months, and days and hours because I lied when I told you I didn't remember anything after the shot, I wish I could have that moment over more than any other in my life. That lie would haunt me even in dreams after you left. I'm not blaming you; I wouldn't have stayed as long as you did.

"I will never forget your face when I said those words. I also knew that you had a strong suspicion that I was lying. You know me better than anyone in this world, Rick, and I'm so very sorry that, once again, I took the coward's way out. I know we talked about this when I forced your hand at the Haunt, then at the Loft.

"I didn't know you had heard me when I was interrogating Bobby, the pickpocket, but I should never have put myself in that position. Hell, I had already lied and told you I would call and never did. I mean, how many times can you hear "I'm sorry" before you cut me out of your life completely?

"Dr. Burke worked with me five days a week right after I found out that you had left the city, not knowing where you went or what you were doing. I will confess the first sessions were to get me to stop being angry with you and to see the real cause: ME and the lies. When he started to go through my journal and list on a whiteboard, much like we used for cases, it came into focus.

"You weren't the culprit; you were the victim, but I didn't know WHY you had left and cut every one of us out of your life. The boys were angry. Lanie, Roz, and Anne were hurt and then angry at me as more facts came out. I honestly didn't know which of my actions had caused you to desert your home, your career, your life as you knew it to leave.

"The day I saw you in that booth at Remy's was the happiest day of my life. I made up my mind to earn at least an opportunity to tell you the whole story and to find out, you know, Beckett. She has to know WHAT I did to drive you away finally.

"When you resisted telling me, I was going out of my mind, not ready to let our story end this way. I know I came on very strong. I had no right to push you or deserve anything more than you were giving me kindness, and at least you were speaking to me.

"Babe, I have tried to show you just how much I truly love you, and you have been so forgiving, even announcing that we are an official couple to the city. This letter is more for Dr. Burke since we have discovered that we can work anything out, just as long as we talk about it honestly, even when it hurts.

"I'm going to close this by saying I understand you have doubts about me, and I have given you every reason to do so. You have done nothing but prove your love for me, time and time again. I promise you, Rick, you are my one and done; it doesn't even have to involve a wedding. I don't care what my title is as long as it's with you.

"Thank you for the surprise interview from Abby and the newspaper; it meant more to me than all the money in your bank accounts to know I am your woman, and you wanted everyone to know it as well. Please know that I will spend the remainder of my life trying to make it up to you. Please know this: no matter what the past, I love you, and I will always and forever. There is nothing you can do to change that; my heart is yours."

"All My Love,

"Now and Forever,

"Kate,"

TBC

A/N: Good breaking point. Next, we will consult Dr. Burke and get his prognosis for our couple. I hope you and your family have enjoyed the holidays. Your gift to me has been the consistent following and support, and I truly Thank You. Till Next Time, * Tim.