Lee Stetson hated Christmas. There was no doubt about that. As a matter of fact, there were those who said that he hated it even more since he'd met and started working with Amanda King, for it seemed to bring to his mind the fact that he didn't have what he wanted and needed in life, and was destined to be that way forever, at least until he wised up and let himself completely love the one person he'd even remotely allowed himself to get close to in recent years.
This Christmas, he'd tried to put himself on the duty roster, as usual, but was refused because caseload at the agency had literally dried up. There would be no running extra assignments, nothing to keep him away from his solitary apartment and his regular Christmas extravaganza of football, guacamole, and champagne. Amanda's mother was off to visit Aunt Lillian, and her sons, Philip and Jamie, were with their father. This would have been the perfect time for him to take Amanda up on one of her many offers to attend Christmas Eve church, have a nice dinner together, go to a movie, or just spend time together. But, as usual, he'd deferred, knowing he wasn't yet able to handle possibly falling in love with this absolutely incredible woman who could make him smile and forget his troubles just by being nearby.
Instead, he'd set out on a day-long bar crawl, stopping at literally every bar in the DC area, some of them twice, and a few of them, three times. By the time he was done attempting to drown his feelings of self-pity, loneliness, unrequited love, and utter despair, darkness had fallen, and he found himself fighting back the urge to go visit the reason he'd ruined his entire day. He drove carefully across the bridge to her suburban neighborhood, looking solemnly at the Christmas lights and keeping the radio quiet lest a carol come across the air waves. He was quietly intoxicated, and knew that if he did anything stupid, the police would be all over him, and no federal agent needed that on his record.
With more anticipation that he cared to admit, he drove slowly through the development where Amanda lived and pulled his car into an empty spot about a block and a half away. His heart sank when he saw that her house was dark. Her windows weren't lit up with candelabras, the trees in her yard not plugged in. "Where is she?" he wondered, immediately swelling with jealousy because she was out on a date behind his back. With someone else besides him.
Lee sighed and rested his forehead on the steering wheel in complete resignation and sadness. What to do? Go to a bar on this side of the river? Admit defeat and go home to misery? Sit here in the damn car and freeze his balls off waiting for her to get home? And if he did, what was he going to do, knock on the door? Hell no, he was just going to look through the window as always, secretly yearning to be asked inside but embarrassed as all heck to actually do so.
He sighed again and turned the key in the ignition and started to pull out of his space when he saw the familiar brown and white station wagon pulling into the driveway. His heart started beating again, no longer a molten lump in his chest. Grinning ear to ear, he realized she was just getting home from church. Alone. He shut off the Corvette and waited with anticipation.
He smiled again as the trees in her yard illuminated with colorful lights, and the golden orange candles began to glow in her windows. In the front room, the Christmas tree started sparkling with the flip of a switch. His car door opened, and he stepped out into what remained of the snow, being careful not to lose his footing and end up a frozen drunk beneath his vehicle.
Cautiously, he made his way across the street and walked down the sidewalk towards 4247 as nonchalantly as possible. Using the hedges and picket fence as cover, he crept onto her property, taking his usual route. After three years of working with Amanda, he knew her house and yard like the back of his own hand and had spent hours stealthily spying on her and her family when he'd lose the battle with his feelings and absolutely need to see her.
Just as what was happening now, Christmas Eve 1985. After much denying of the growing attraction and affection he felt for Amanda, after refusing to spend any time with her when she was able and more than willing to spend it with him, after being a total jerk for the nth time, here he was, spying on her and making himself feel good without putting his vulnerability into the picture. He could enjoy seeing her and not risk having to think about his feelings. Or risk rejection. "This is TOTALLY self-serving, and TOTALLY wrong!" he told himself as he drew nearer to her house and the big picture window out front.
But once he arrived at his destination, he was captivated by what he saw. Hiding behind the bushes, he peered up between the candelabra to see her living room looking like a spread from the Christmas edition of "House Beautiful." Even though she was the only one home, the tree was trimmed beautifully, shimmering presents were gathered all around the tree, and he could hear Christmas carols playing on the radio. There was a roaring fire in the fireplace, and every now and then he got a whiff of woodsmoke wafting down from the chimney. All this home needed now was a family. All that HE needed was a family!
Unconsciously, he stood up and pressed his nose to the window, trying to become a part of the scene without really entering into it. Then, he saw her, coming into the living room wearing a beautiful Christmas nightgown and carrying a cup of tea. He put his hand on the glass, a small boy looking through the department store window with yearning after seeing exactly what he wanted for Christmas. He felt dampness on his cheeks as he let his brain soak everything in. Like the small boy, he knew he'd never get what he really wanted for Christmas . . . .
Just then, she looked up and saw him, plastered against the window. Her face broke out into a huge, welcoming smile. His broke out in an expression of extreme terror and fear after being caught, standing there in the evening like a cat burglar with his emotions exposed.