She is beginning to love Arizona in the sunlight.
She is beginning to love her in the daytime, in the shower, and at night on her brother's balcony, and in her bed in the dark.
She is beginning to love the way she speaks to her, and the different tones of her voice. She loves the way she seeks her body at night, touching her lightly, asking for something with the soft trace of her fingertips.
She is beginning to love her.
Even now.
Especially now.
"Derek is…"
"Fishing."
"But," Arizona softly complains, and the slight pout of her bruised lips makes Amelia grip her wrists harder. "I'm gonna get dirty."
"Grass stains." She kisses her and Arizona grunts against her lips. "Grass stains," she murmurs again.
"He's gonna catch us."
"Not if we're quiet."
"Amelia…" she murmurs, and it's more like a whisper than a complaint, Amelia thinks.
She sits back on her heels to take in the view of Arizona in the sunlight.
Her hair is a deep golden color, illuminated by the sunlight. Her eyes emit their own dark sapphire allure. Arizona watches her intently, waiting impatiently, pouting somewhat, but the bruise of her lips mask the brief protest. Amelia's eyes fall to her exposed stomach, to the shirt that has already been pulled up, revealing her black sports bra.
Amelia traces her fingers gently around her navel, causing Arizona to pant.
"Stop," she murmurs.
"You want me to?"
"No."
Amelia smiles, tempted to kiss her. But instead, she pulls down her pants - hiking pants, Arizona calls them - and quickly unfastens her prosthetic. She's mastered it already, having no trouble taking it off.
Arizona bends her leg, surprised when Amelia quickly pulls off her underwear.
"I'm gonna get dirty."
She pulls her leg over her shoulder.
"It's okay," Amelia reassures her. "We're dirty people."
Arizona exhales hard when she fastens her mouth on her, and she is surprised by how enthused she is by her taste. It's something she's never done before, but she's now so used to it, now so used to Arizona's taste, so used to her softness and heat against her tongue. She is wet and trembling, and tight when she enters with her tongue, and the blonde gasps harder, exhaling wildly as she tries to keep her voice down.
It's easy to make her come, it's easy to feel her tighten against her tongue, despite her incessant thrusting, despite her want to make her come again.
It's just so easy to want her.
Derek has only recently returned to Seattle, declaring that he has no intention to return to D.C, though he seemed to have forgotten many things over there, including his phone. His silence seemed staggering upon his return, though, and Amelia decided to quickly announce to him that she was dating Arizona.
He was surprised. Yet, not doubtful. He is never doubtful of the people she dates, she realizes, or perhaps he's never really gotten to know them. He was not pleased by her many trysts with men in the past, including the man that his ex-wife cheated with. Still, that was outside of his concern. As is this.
And yet, she felt the need to tell him. And he seemed to be fine. He seemed to be happy, almost.
And upon his return, he only took a few hours to clean and shave before asking Amelia to take the weekend off, along with Arizona. He insisted on hiking.
Agreeing hesitantly, Amelia realized something was awry when she entered the house and was met with Meredith's silence. She knew she walked into a feud. Arizona seemed just as reluctant, shying herself away from the door, away from the drama.
So hiking they went. Much to Arizona's displeasure.
I hate hiking, she told her. And camping. This won't be good for my leg, she insisted. Amelia just kissed her and offered to carry her on her back, if it came down to it.
"How did you two get so dirty?" she hears, as she makes her approach to the small riverbed Derek has settled himself in.
She looks over to the blonde, who only looks surprised, as though she has been caught guilty. She is too startled to say anything, so Amelia just laughs and turns her attention back to her brother.
"Arizona decided that she wanted to roll around in the mud."
She hears Arizona clear her throat. "No! We just wanted to spend some time on the grass."
Derek briefly surveys the condition of their clothes, and the look he gives her makes Amelia reach up to smooth her hair. He smiles knowingly. "Meredith and I spent a lot of time on the grass too," he grinned. "Particularly the ones that block the view."
"Yeah, well, we saw some great views," Arizona jokes, walking to his side. "Any catches?" she asks him.
"No," he says. "This line is faulty."
She watches as Arizona takes the rod from him, straightening out the line in a strange fashion, a method she's never seen before.
"Let me show you a trick," she tells Derek. She looks over to Amelia and gestures for her.
Her eagerness makes Amelia smile.
It's the smile she gets that makes the thumping start. Arizona is already something of permanence.
She pushes the feeling away. "I didn't know you fish," Amelia says.
"Oh, not really," she says, fumbling with the line. "My dad used to drag me and my brother out every summer to go on fishing trips," she explains. "It was really boring and I hated it, but he made me pay attention. I learned a lot of tricks."
"Where did you fish?" Derek asks.
"Massabesic in New Hampshire."
"Really," he smiles. "I went there all the time when I lived on the East Coast."
"Yeah," she says, "there are a bunch of awesome and smaller surrounding lakes around there if you know where to look."
"Wow," Derek remarks. "I never thought of that."
Still fumbling with the line, she says, "Tim used to do this really well."
"Your brother?" he asks.
"Yeah."
The brother, Amelia thinks.
Here is her brother and her girlfriend, bonding over something she realizes she knows nothing about. And yet, here they are. Derek watches Arizona's hands carefully, surveying her methods as though he is watching a surgery.
She wonders what Arizona's brother was like, what sort of person he was, what sort of things he did. He must have taught her many things, she thinks, and she almost wishes she could bond in the same way.
Arizona doesn't talk about him much. All she knows is that he was in the Marines and died on duty.
"Come try, Amy," Derek tells her.
"Fishing seems really boring."
"It is," Arizona agrees, offering the rod to her.
"Then why are you telling me to do it?"
"Amy, we used to fish together all the time," Derek says.
"You're already here!" Arizona tells her. "Come on."
Fishing turns out to be more delightful than she anticipated. She feels closer to her brother - something she never thought she'd feel in a long time. Something about him has changed, she thinks. And it's the same for her, too. She wants to tell him.
What enchants her, though, is Arizona fishing. Arizona casting a line. Arizona, here with her.
She is beginning to love fishing, too.
They sit at the blazing campfire beside their tents, shivering in the cool air of the woods. They've just finished dinner, a simple dinner, really. A dinner made from cans and roasting and the expertise of her brother.
As the sun goes down, Arizona seems to shiver more, and moves closer to Amelia, so close that she begins to bury herself in her arms. Amelia can feel the warmth of her body through her clothes, and wonders why she shivers so strongly.
Derek seems to notice as Amelia wraps her arms tighter around her, and Arizona leans her head on her shoulder. He smiles, yet somehow, not delightfully. He smiles with understanding, and sadness, almost.
"You okay?" Derek asks the blonde.
She only nods. Amelia rests her hand against her head and runs her fingers through her hair.
"Are you remembering?" Derek asks her, and Amelia wonders what he means.
"This creeps me out a bit," Arizona admits, as though reminded. "I don't know how you can do this."
"After the plane crash," he starts, and then she understands, "I had to. I had to overcome it. So I came out here. By myself."
"You're brave," Arizona smiles. "It must run in the family."
Amelia laughs and Derek's smile grows wider.
"Will you be okay, Robbins?" he asks her.
"I'll be fine," she reassures, and takes Amelia hand in her own.
And she is fine, Amelia realizes, when the sun disappears and the fire begins to blaze. She is fine as she jokes with Derek and Amelia, and laughs at their family antics, at their inside jokes and stories of their siblings.
Eventually, he withdraws to his own tent, and leaves the two to talk in the dark of the night.
They sit together in each other's arms, and speak in low voices.
"So I guess Derek comes here all the time with Meredith, huh?" Arizona asks.
"I doubt they come that often," Amelia says. "My brother is a solitary man."
"Well, they do roll on the grass together," Arizona laughs.
"Oh gross," Amelia says, the thought striking her. Arizona looks at her curiously. "Do you think we banged where they banged?"
"I really hope not."
She only laughs, and they both stare at the campfire together. When Arizona begins to fall asleep against her shoulder, she gently nudges her awake.
"Let's put the fire out," Amelia says.
Arizona withdraws to their tent while she puts the fire out, and she uses a flashlight to navigate herself. When she enters the tent, Arizona is already bundled in her sleeping bag, holed up on the left side of the small space.
"We could bundle up our sleeping bags to make it bigger, you know."
"It's so cramped," Arizona complains. "You might whack me in the face."
"When have I ever done that?"
"Once. You were sleeping."
"Come on," Amelia grins, getting on her knees and slipping into her sleeping bag. She draws nearer to Arizona and presses her nose against her cheek. "I'll keep you warm," she whispers.
"Mmm," Arizona murmurs. "I'm warm enough."
"Feeling better?"
"Your brother made a good point," she says. "Getting over it. The crash. Overcoming, you know? Herman taught me that, too."
"How does it make you feel?"
"Better," Arizona says. "It's funny, I have to consider so many of your siblings."
"What?"
"What…" she starts, drawing her hand against Amelia to count against her skin. "Meredith, and Addison, and Derek, and your other sisters, and…"
"My other sisters?"
"Well, yeah," Arizona considers. "I'm going to meet them some time."
"Are you proposing to me?" Amelia asks her.
The question makes Arizona giggle against her, and she draws her lips to her neck. She doesn't answer, she just grazes her lips against Amelia's neck, kissing her when she feels the urge.
She could be fine just falling asleep like this, but now Arizona's kisses grow hotter and they wander. Her kisses finally reach Amelia's lips, and she is surprised when Arizona slips her tongue into her mouth.
She could be fine with kissing too, kissing hotly, entangling her tongue with Arizona's, but then her hands wander also, slipping under her shirt, her fingers lightly tracing her nipple.
"Wait, what," Amelia says, feeling Arizona's hand slip into her underwear. "Hey, Derek is just-"
"What was it you said," the blonde interrupts, "Not if we're quiet?"
"That was different!" Amelia protests.
"You're really wet," Arizona notes.
"Well," Amelia murmurs, her body already hot. "You're really close."
She feels Arizona's breasts press hard against her own as she moves closer, and she wonders if she can feel her heart racing, too. She's engulfed. This kind of heat is destructive.
"Really hot too," Arizona whispers hotly against her lips. She pushes Amelia's legs apart to slip her finger inside of her. Amelia feels as she enters her slowly, effortlessly. "You're gripping really hard," Arizona smiles.
"The angle."
"Should I get on top of you?" Arizona asks.
"No, I," Amelia says, and gasps when Arizona slips a second finger into her. She wants to admit that this awkward angle feels better, that her leg on top of Arizona's body is enough, that her fingers require more friction, more effort, to thrust inside of her.
She grips her tightly, she knows, but it feels so much better.
Arizona thrusts slowly, breathing heavily against Amelia's lips as her palm begins to rub against her clit, and Amelia has to gasp harder now.
"You're super wet."
She feels too hot now, too enclosed, maybe. But she feels close to Arizona. They are in a tiny tent inches away from Derek, who she presumes, is sleeping soundly. They are in a tiny tent, bundled in sleeping bags and covered with warm clothes. They are in a tiny tent, and Arizona is fucking her slowly, thrusting hard and rubbing against her.
"I'm going to come," Amelia gasps. "Go faster."
"Mmm," Arizona refuses, "Let me enjoy the view."
She comes despite Arizona's refusal, despite her slow thrusting. She comes only because Arizona kisses her, because she captures her tongue with her teeth, because she is surrounded by her warmth and body heat and her fingers inside of her.
"Fuck…" Amelia exhales against her lips.
"I think I'm starting to like hiking."
Amelia awakens to Arizona's silent nudging, and she realizes that they are already home. It was a quick drive back to the house, but her nap felt very long.
Derek takes most of the luggage inside, and helps Arizona pack her stuff into her own car. She waves to Derek before turning to Amelia.
"You're not coming inside?"
"I'm gonna go. I'm very tired," Arizona tells her. "Besides, you should spend some time with Derek."
"He says he's back for good," Amelia counters. "We've got plenty of time. I know him well enough."
"He's been gone a while," the blonde smiles. "Go bond."
"There's something going on between him and Mer right now."
"I can see that," she notes. "I'll see you in the morning?" And she says it as though it's common, as though they've been doing it forever, as though it might be forever.
The thought of it, the tone of it, makes Amelia's heart race.
"Of course," she smiles, kissing Arizona goodbye.
It only takes a day for the hospital to realize that something has happened to cause a strain on Meredith and Derek's relationship.
She hears the gossip, and Maggie even begins to inquire. But no matter how much they ask, Amelia doesn't know. She is tempted to ask Alex, but she knows that she doesn't have that sort of relationship with him.
Arizona begins to prepare for a huge surgery - monumental, she says, and so she doesn't see her often, either. It prompts her to go home.
Knowing Meredith would come soon, she cooks. She cooks for Bailey and Zola and tucks them in and awaits her sister's arrival. Her brother has been positioned to a secondary role, and so she assigns him routine procedures. She is testing his ego. She always tests his ego.
And yet, to her surprise, he doesn't mind. He enjoys it, he says.
Something has changed in him.
She hears a jingle at the door as she settles the plates on the table, and Meredith enters. She stands at the door and watches her sister-in-law. She seems unmoved.
"You cooked," Meredith says.
"Yep," Amelia agrees. "Help yourself."
She thinks that maybe she'd refuse, that she'd just resign herself to her room, but she nods and heads for the stove, filling her plate to its capacity.
"I'm starving," Meredith remarks.
They eat mostly in silence, speaking now and then about a procedure.
"I thought you had that surgery scheduled," Meredith says.
"I've handed it over to my dear brother."
"Oh," Meredith says with a half-smile, "the power of authority."
It takes a moment for Amelia to ask, only because she is sure that it isn't her business. But then Arizona flashes through her head and she feels the absence of the day on her shoulders. She wanted to see her. She always wants to see her.
"What's the matter, Mer?" Amelia asks. "Did my brother do something stupid again?"
"I don't know," Meredith says. "I'll have to ask him."
She only waits, watching Meredith, sometimes scooping a spoonful of food into her mouth. She waits.
"Sometimes I'm afraid that history really does repeat itself," Meredith admits.
She wants to ask what she means, but she already knows. She takes the hint. Somehow.
"You mean Addison."
Meredith laughs. "Not exactly."
Marriage, she thinks. Addison had been her sister-in-law for over a decade.
"How did you feel about Derek being married for so long?"
Another pause. Meredith looks up. She considers the question, peering back into her plate. "It bothered me. Sometimes. I was always comparing. I did ask him to pick me, you know."
"You did?"
"In a grand gesture."
Amelia laughs. "And when you got together. Did it bother you at all?"
"What?"
"That he was married before. For so long."
"A little," Meredith admits. "When I found out. I thought I was just that girl he screwed to get over being screwed. A rebound for Addison," she explains. "But then I saw that he was looking at me because of me. She adds, "No matter how screwed up I was. It was me."
Meredith seems to realize something in her words, and she becomes absorbed in her thoughts. She looks up after a moment, somehow startled that Amelia is there, and gives her a half-smile.
"He didn't look at me hoping to find Addison," she tells her. "Arizona doesn't look at you hoping to find Callie, does she?"
"What?" Amelia asks, surprised.
"Don't worry about it so much."
"That's not what this is about."
"Partially, it is, isn't it?"
Amelia sighs, but smiles despite that. It is true, she thinks.
Her inquiries are always a reflection of herself.
She finds Derek on the deck later, sipping on a beer and staring down at the city below them.
"Derek," she says, and he turns to her and smiles. He seemed to have had a conversation with Meredith earlier, and now things seem to be at ease. She wonders what happened.
"Everything okay now?"
"Perfect," he smiles.
"Are you really not going back?"
"No," he tells her.
"Why?"
She knows what he means, the why behind it. He has already told her. He wants to watch his children grow up. He wants to be there.
"Amy, I don't want to miss a single moment ever again," he tells her. "You shouldn't either."
"I'm trying not to," Amelia says.
"Arizona in surgery?" he asks.
His inquiry makes her laugh. "Why do you ask?"
"Meredith told me what you talked about earlier."
"Assumptions," Amelia claims.
"You know, I was in love with Meredith before I even realized it. I went to her to get over Addison, but by then, I was in love," he explains. "She wasn't Addison, but that didn't matter. People are entirely separate."
She considers his words, despite not having said anything. He is right, she thinks. People are separate. Love is different. All the time.
"So what about Arizona-" Derek starts to say.
But she doesn't need to think about it. She just needs to say it.
"I'm in love with her, I think."
"You think?"
"Probably."
"You don't know?" Derek smiles.
"I do."
"You are!"
Amelia smiles, and feels the heaviness in her throat. "I'm afraid."
"Good," he says. "Wouldn't be love without the fear."
She wants to be sure of it. She wants the unnerving feeling to go away. The feeling is most often present when Arizona is not there, when she is absent. So she goes to find her. She finds her so that she can feel alleviated. She doesn't want the feeling to linger. It's heavy.
Exhilarating in a kind of crazy way.
She asks Alex, but then he tells her that Arizona's surgery failed, that she has just reported to the family that the mother and child is dead. She texts her, hoping to find her, hoping to know where she is, but she does not respond. She looks through the Peds ward, she looks for her in the Attendings' lounge. She cannot find her.
But then she has a feeling. A clue.
She finds her in the patient's room, vacant now, save the blonde who sits near the window, peering at the darkness of the city outside. Arizona looks over to her and smiles. She looks back out of the window.
Amelia goes to her. She stands beside her.
"I'm sorry," she says.
"It was risky," Arizona says.
"You did your best."
"Herman said the same thing. I called her earlier."
"I'm sorry."
"Callie wanted me to be free," she says suddenly.
"What?"
"She said she wanted me to feel free, too. Free, the way she did. I didn't know what she meant," Arizona explains, still looking outside of the window. "I didn't know what she meant for a long time."
Amelia wants to ask something, but she has nothing to ask. She just wants to know.
"And then you came. Swooped in, kind of. Miraculously," Arizona laughs, looking back at her. "You did."
"I did?"
"You did," Arizona says. "And then Herman drilled me. All the time. Constantly. For months. I thought I would go crazy, but I began to see things and understand things with her and with you," she continues. "Especially you."
Amelia wants to sit. The thumping in her chest makes her feel hazy. It's reached her head too, but her hearing is so clear.
"I've been really thinking. About what it means to be free. I've been thinking about how I could be free, I've been thinking all this time about what it means. And now… now, I think, being free is really as simple as… letting go."
She looks over to Amelia.
"You," she says, "you make me feel free. Lighter, you know? That's what you do. Being with you makes me feel that way."
Letting go, she thinks.
To be free, we must let go.
She says nothing to her. She only lets out a deep breath. Has she been holding her breath?
She has. She wonders how long she's been holding her breath until now.
Arizona says nothing, though, she simply peers out of the window.
And this is how Amelia really knows.
Standing here, watching her, she knows.
It's going to destroy her.
This is how Amelia knows that she's in love.
And like a secret, she keeps it to herself.