Sam never informed me that Rosie was a spiritualist, but apparently it was a profitable side business for her.

In seconds, she had everyone spiritually minded in Bag End seated around a table in a darkness illuminated by feeble candles, holding hands as they stared at bones strewn across a rune board.

A glass seeing orb stood ready, reminding me of the great evils of the Pilantir, but Rosie assured me it was merely blown glass, a simple window through which to see the spirits.

Sam looked at me with a mixture of fatigue and annoyance.

I gave him an apologetic shrug, silently communicating, "It was your wife's idea."

He sighed, giving Rosie a sideways glance, nonverbally saying, "This had better be good," and maybe, "I'm starting to have second thoughts about this marriage, but I'm going to go along with this, just this once."

"Spirits of this place," Rosie intoned. "We come to you with a request. We request communication with the spirit that haunts Frodo Baggins, the spirit of Gollum, Smeagol Trahald!"

The table and doors on the nearby sideboard rattled, the framed glass and dishes clattering loudly, as if an earthquake were passing through the burrow.

All the candles blew out, leaving us with only the dim light of the fireplace and the faint illumination of stars reflecting off snow.

Rosie suddenly tensed up, and her previously closed eyes snapped open.

"Precious!" she screamed, grabbing the glass orb.

Cousin Falco ducked just seconds before it shattered against the wall behind his head.

Sam's wife leapt up on the table, sniffing the air. "What is this place!"

Her head whipped around. "Aargh! It is a dirty Hobbitses hole!"

She sniffed her clothing, letting out an animal cry of disgust. "It is foul! Horrible Hobbitses with their nasty scents!"

And then she knelt in front of me.

"It summonses Smeagol from his rest! Why he does it! Smeagol tells it what it needs! Why must poor Smeagol be slaves again!"

I stood up. "You're the one that haunted me! Why won't you leave me alone!"

She let out a low growl. "The Great One...he assks Smeagol, he does! He makeses Smeagol work! Unfinished businesses, he say..."

Rose got down on all fours. "It burns!" she said, tearing at her clothing. "It harms Smeagol's skin!"

And then she was ripping off her shirt and blouse.

"Rose," Sam cried when he saw her working on unfastening her bra. "That's quite enough. This was all jolly fun, but now it has to stop!"

Falco, seeming to sense that the ceremony had ended, set about lighting lamps to bring stronger illumination into the room.

She spun, hissing at him like a wild beast. "Silence, filthy Hobbit!" she screamed. "How does Hobbitses likes it being tied with evil rope that burns it? Maybe Smeagol shows it!"

Sam had a look on his face like he were okay with that, as long as they had a safe word and she didn't pretend she was Gollum.

Rose looked down at her chest and giggled. "Boobies!" And for a few moments, she played with them.

As she ripped off her dress and tugged her bloomers off, I blurted, "Rose, I mean, Gollum, could we please get back to the point of all this?"

She fixed me with a cold glare. "What does it mean!"

Blushing, I focused my eyes away from her underclothing. "You woke me in the middle of the night. You ramble about hunters and a beacon, then you won't let me get back to sleep. I want answers!"

"Smeagol tell it everything it needses to knows," she muttered, sitting on the table. "It should figure it out on its owns, it should!"

She glanced back and forth, then peered in her bra again.

"We never had these before! How strange they look!"

I cleared my throat. "The information wasn't enough, Gollum. I have no idea where we're supposed to go, or what we have to do."

Rosie let out Gollum's trademark phlegmy hissing sound. "Stupid foolish Hobbitses! Smeagol can't even rest in his grave without it asking stupid questions!"

And then she pounces, knocking my chair to the floor, with me in it.

Sitting half naked on my chest, she wrapped her hands around my windpipe, attempting to choke me to death. I found it kind of sexy.

"Stupid Hobbitses! It cannots even takes care of itself without Smeagol! It does not deserve to live!"

Her hands felt soft around my neck. Gollum's new body lacked his original strength. I smiled despite the discomfort, causing Rose to shriek in outrage.

"Why is it smiling! Smeagol tries to kill it!"

I was afraid to explain anything with Sam present, so I said nothing.

"Hobbitses loses its mind!"

"This is coming from a being who lives in a cave, eats raw fish, and talks to itself."

She hissed at me angrily.

And then, for reasons I wasn't quite sure of, she got in closer and pressed her nose to my neck, inhaling deeply. Out of the corner of my eye in the dim light, I could see Sam clenching his fists.

Rose jerked back, if startled by something. "What is Smeagol doing!" she cried. "No! This cannot be!"

She began beating her head with her fists.

"Smeagol does not love it! Smeagol does not love anyone bust Smeagol!" But then the other personality said, "Smeagol deceives himself. Smeagol always love Hobbitses! It does! Even before it has boobies!"

By now, Sam's face was beet red, and he seemed to be trying to decide whether to slap her, or kill me.

"No!" she screamed, pulling her hair. "It isn't true!"

"Smeagol was lonely," she replied to herself in a low gutteral tone. "Smeagol watches Hobbitses bathing, he does! He looks! He watchess!"

"No!"

Sam marched up to me, the `I'm going to kill you' expression even more evident on his face. "Did you put her up to this?" he nearly said through his teeth.

I suppressed a chuckle. "What? No! I don't know what in Hel this is!"

He frowned like he didn't believe me.

"Yes, Smeagol, it's true! Smeagol say `I wants to kills the Hobbitses when he really means kiss, he does! Smeagol was afraid!"

I grimaced in mild disgust. Did Gollum really think about these things when he was alive?

Still, she was in a rather attractive body now...

Rose slapped herself hard. "No! You speak lies! Smeagol not listen anymore!"

She climbed off my chest, crunching across the broken glass.

"Come, stupid Hobbitses! Let us find the beacon so Smeagol can rest!"

Rosie burst through the doors of Bag End, running into the cold night in nothing but her underwear.