Dallas, Texas
March 1977
Flipping through the adoption agency brochure, her gaze drifting from the smiling stock photos to the optimistic words, Sue Ellen let her mind wander. They made it sound so easy, but JR wasn't convinced, and, if she was honest, neither was she. The idea of giving a child a home was wonderful, but as JR was quick to point out, she could still have children herself. He wasn't ready to believe he couldn't, either, so did that really make them the kind of people the agency was looking for? He couldn't see the nuance in it; to him, adoption was for other people, unwanted children, not for heirs or heiresses like his future son or daughter, who would be placed on a pedestal. He couldn't and didn't want to accept that adoption meant a child could be part of the family just like one of their own.
According to JR, explaining Lucy's unofficial, unconventional adoption had been difficult enough the first time too, and doing it again would just cause more scandal. Sue Ellen wasn't sure she bought that excuse, JR rarely worried about public opinion, and she doubted Miss Ellie would object to having another grandchild to love, biological or not. No, it seemed to Sue Ellen that JR's resistance was personal, a fear of how his father would react to anything less than the traditional path. Jock Ewing had three sons, and JR wanted to live up to that by having a family of his own. For her, though, just one child, a boy or girl, would be enough. But JR had dreams he wasn't ready to let go of.
Even so, whether or not JR was on board, Sue Ellen allowed herself to dream, savouring the life the brochure hinted at. She'd married JR right out of college, and as her life had taken unexpected turns, her daydreams had become a kind of refuge. From the beginning of their relationship nearly ten years ago, she'd imagined they would have children, and she wasn't ready to let go of that hope. She longed for the chance to undo some of the hurts from her own childhood and wanted JR to have the opportunity to do the same. Mostly, though, she just wanted the simple joy of loving a child and hopefully being loved in return.
Was it selfish to want so much from a child? She wasn't sure. It was complicated. She suspected the answer was yes, that it was too much to expect a child to heal the past or brighten the future. Still, she knew her intentions were good, and she had a deep, open space in her heart. It was also true that she was a people pleaser, with an urge to live up to others' expectations, and after seven years of marriage, the pressure was wearing on her.
She wanted a baby, and she wasn't ready to give up on the idea just yet.
Leaning back in his chair, feet propped on his wooden desk, JR's mind was far from business. He'd offered Sue Ellen the most generous solution he could muster, but she'd shot him down cold. She didn't want a baby if it meant giving up her marriage, and she didn't want a divorce, even one as plentiful as he was offering. But JR knew it wasn't that simple. Sue Ellen wanted to stay married to him and have a baby. Unfortunately, he wasn't sure he could give her both.
The doctor had told him he might be able to father children, but those words were tangled with enough uncertainty to leave him questioning what he could truly offer. Lee Ann Nelson had once claimed she was carrying his child, which had set Sue Ellen off the moment she'd found out. That episode, however, was ancient history now, hardly useful for their current situation. He certainly wasn't about to dredge up a fling from college to investigate the particulars of a long-forgotten tryst.
Thinking back on those days used to make him smile, but now it only deepened his frown. He'd been with plenty of women over the years; he was usually careful, though not always. Only a couple of times had he seriously worried that something might come of it. Lee Ann had handled her 'situation,' and Julie's alarm had turned out to be a false one. Besides that, Sue Ellen was the only woman he'd been with regularly, the one he gave himself to fully.
After seven years of marriage, the topic of children had slipped from their conversations, though he knew it lingered unspoken in everyone's mind. His parents and Sue Ellen's mother always seemed poised for an announcement, and at social gatherings, he noticed the subtle glances exchanged when he and Sue Ellen walked in as a childless couple.
Sue Ellen wasn't wrong to ask him to consult a professional, waiting and hoping was proving fruitless. But the doctor's advice had only complicated things further, and JR was struggling to process what it all meant for their future. He genuinely wanted a son, but several of the methods proposed to achieve that were downright unacceptable to him. Now, he just had to ease Sue Ellen into understanding that.