Father
Eileen and Sev sat chatting on the couch.
"Wow... I can't wait to go to Spain," he said. "I'll definitely go next summer."
"Go at Christmas, it's too hot in the summer."
"No, I won't be able to Apparate."
"Easter then," she suggested.
"Just a week? No, no, I want to spend at least a whole month there."
"And are you going to leave me alone for a whole month?"
"Come with me," Sev proposed.
"I'll think about it between now and then."
"Very well. Let's talk now, if you don't mind, and if you do mind I don't care, about a controversial subject, Mum, that came up a while ago."
"I know what you mean. Your father."
"That one. Has he shown up here again?"
"He certainly did. Did you think he was going to hold out at work for so many months?"
"No, of course not," he replied. "Since I see that you are willing to talk to me about the subject openly, and to not start the house on the roof, I want to first confirm suspicions that came to my mind thinking about him some time ago and that I did not discuss with you so as not to make you suffer, since talking to you about the subject I realized that you were having a terrible time, but I see that you are not now."
"Ask whatever you want, I will answer you as much as I can."
"Do you remember what happened at Christmas last year, when he almost killed you?"
"Unfortunately I will never forget it, and that is even though I did not find out the whole truth until a year later," replied his mother.
"Since that happened, Tobias has always taken advantage of the opportunity to come just when he knew that I was going to be home. Did he come the following Easter, when I stayed at Hogwarts?"
"He came."
"He also came the following August," said Sev.
"Of course, last summer."
"He didn't touch a hair on our head for the whole month and he barely resisted when I kicked him out."
"That's right," she confirmed.
"And then he came back just before Christmas, preventing me from coming home."
"Indeed."
"You can imagine what I want to ask you, can't you?" he said.
"Of course I can imagine, Severus, I'm not stupid, and the answer is yes. Your father is very sorry about what happened and wants to reconcile with you. He was devastated when you didn't come for Christmas knowing it was because of him. He spent the three weeks wishing you would show up at any moment and begging me to write to you to convince you to come home."
"But you didn't."
"Of course not, after the talk with Lily," confirmed Eileen.
"You did very well, you would have put me in a serious bind. Not for him, for you, I would have come for you. Double trouble, because Slughorn didn't stay at school, I would have had to ask the old man and he would have read me before I learned Occlumency."
"Something you should be grateful to Lily for."
"I'm grateful for a lot more than that, you know," said Sev.
"Of course."
"Let's drop the Lily topic, okay? It's hard enough going to her house for dinner tonight and her not being at the table. I'm going to spend all my time thinking about her, I'm already starting to get nervous."
"Of course, if you don't mention her I won't mention her again," she said.
"Keep telling me, go on. Why didn't you tell me all this at Easter?"
"Because you had enough at Easter to worry about your father. I hope you haven't spent more than a few minutes thinking about him in all these months."
"Yes, indeed, but I did spend more time on it," he confirmed. "When Lily told me the story of her grandparents and her parents the first night I stayed at her house, I spent a good while thinking about the subject of my father's youth, that's why the next day I asked you about him."
"I remember."
"And you barely told me about it until the moment you got married, because you started crying for him. Was it also because you knew he was sorry?"
"Of course, Severus, of course. Your father is not a bad person at all, it just happens that he has a very serious illness."
"Mum, he hit me since I was a baby."
Eileen sighed deeply. "Your father had a very bad time as a young man. Apart from what I already told you, that he lost his entire family, he had not received a good education at all. His father also hit him and his brothers, he did not learn to educate properly."
"Yeah."
"You know, unhealed wounds, history repeats itself. At that time there were no good psychologists and psychiatrists within everyone's reach, as there are now in the National Health Service, nor did we even know they existed. We were humble and neither of us had proper education."
"I can understand that," said Sev.
"If I had known, I would have found a solution, including for his alcoholism, before it was too late. We had many happy years to fix it before you were born. I would have started working to support ourselves so that he could have been rehabilitated."
"Of course. Why did you finally decide to have me?"
"Because I also wanted it with all my heart, honey," confessed his mother. "You were a very desired child and we had been waiting for you with great enthusiasm, a lot, for more than ten years."
"Oh…"
"The fruit of love, of the deepest love." Eileen's eyes filled with tears.
"Don't cry, Mum, please."
"Even if I cry, it doesn't matter, sooner or later we had to have this talk. You should know that the second happiest day of our lives was the day the doctor told us I was pregnant, and the happiest day, the happiest of all in both my life and your father's, was January 9th, 1960, the day you were born."
They both burst into tears.
"Give me a hug, please," said her son.
"Of course."
They cried in each other's arms until they calmed down.
"Then another suspicion I had is not confirmed," continued Sev. "My father never thought for a moment that he was sterile and that you had been unfaithful to him when you got pregnant."
"Of course not, Severus, I tell you that we loved each other very deeply. He never, ever doubted me."
"Nor did he doubt the next suspicion, that when I was born with black eyes and hair like you, he thought I was not his son because I did not look like him at all."
"He had little education, but not so little, Severus, that goes without saying. Anyone who looks around at the people realizes that dark eyes and hair are dominant by inheritance, everyone knows that."
"Of course…"
"On the contrary, he loved that you looked like me, he said that you were like me but in a boy, which made him even more excited, that you were a male."
"Oh…"
"It really bothers me that you have come to think those things and you have not told me, huh? Have you given it much thought?" she asked.
"Not at all, I just thought about it one day. I didn't even care anymore, I didn't think to talk about it now. I told you about it because the subject came up, I got excited and it started to matter to me again."
"Then I'm very glad that it happened like that and we clarified it. If we hadn't talked about it, they would have been things that perhaps would have tormented you in the future, when your father or I were no longer here to deny them."
"You're absolutely right, Mum."
"Have you had any other crazy ideas?"
"No, none."
"Okay. If you do, don't keep them to yourself," she asked.
"I won't, of course. Since we've picked up where we left off the other time, if it's not too hard for you, can you tell me what I don't remember for myself, from when I was born until I was about five years old?"
"Of course I can, honey, and I also think it's essential for you to understand why everything happened the way it did. You were a very difficult baby, you refused the breast, we had a lot of problems feeding you properly since you were born. You were hungry and as a result you didn't develop or sleep well, we had a terrible time for you. And added to the worry was the fact that you didn't let either of us sleep at night, because we didn't have your crib in your room, but in ours, so you wouldn't sleep alone. We spent many sleepless nights trying to feed you and having you with us in bed."
"Ugh…"
"So things didn't go wrong when you manifested your magic, but shortly after you were born," continued his mother. "I could sleep when you fell asleep, but your father had to go to work anyway, remember that neither of us had family to help us. He had a terrible, terrible time. Exhausted from work and night after night without sleeping. Afterwards it took him all weekend to recover from the week."
"Of course… poor man…"
"Afterwards, when you started eating solid food and eating better, your teeth started coming out and the same, tantrums all the time. At least we took away a little of the worry that you would grow well, but as I said, your father suffered a lot, for you and for himself, he lost his excitement."
"Ugh…"
"He realized that having a child was not all joy and satisfaction as he expected," she added.
"Oh…"
"When you started walking, at nine months, very early, by the way, you were precocious in every way, things improved a lot. You didn't stop, you were a whirlwind, I had to walk behind you all the time so you wouldn't have an accident. But at least that was enough to keep you hungry, eat well and sleep better, because you ended up exhausted. And soon after, that same winter when you turned one year old, your father finally started to enjoy you, he took you for walks whenever he had free time and played with you whenever he could."
"Oh…"
"And soon after you also started talking and that also made him very excited, to be able to communicate with you at last," said Eileen.
"Of course…"
"He was very affectionate with you. It was my fault, for not having taken advantage of that new period of prosperity to explain to him what could happen later. But I thought I still had years of time ahead of me."
"I can understand that, Mum."
"Besides, he got it into his head that he wanted to have another child, the sooner the better, so that you wouldn't grow up alone, since you didn't have cousins and you weren't going to have to go to a Muggle school until you were six years old."
"Oh... And why didn't you have one?"
"I tried to convince him that we should wait a little longer, to recover from the bad time we had gone through, but I didn't succeed, so I took the contraceptive potion again," she answered.
"Of course…"
"And then what's left to tell you you can already imagine, it's not necessary for me to give you many details, right?"
"No Mum, it's not necessary," he agreed. "One question, at what age exactly did I manifest my magic?"
"The same month you turned two."
"What a mess…"
"You know, he didn't take it out on you from the start, huh?" his mother clarified. "He held out for a few months, when you had almost destroyed our entire house."
"Ugh…"
"As I said, you were an earthquake, so your magic also manifested itself like that, very violent and powerful. You broke windows in the middle of winter, the entire set of dishes while we were having dinner and all that stuff like that. Imagine, he got very scared and not only that, afterwards we had to buy everything again so you could break it again soon after, because he refused to let me use magic to repair it. You were able to overcome his nerves that were already very weak, and he thought he could cure your outbursts with discipline like they had done to him when he was little, he never came to understand magic."
"Ugh…"
"Is it enough for you?" she asked.
"It's enough for me. Thanks, Mum, you should have told me all this much earlier."
"You're absolutely right. If you have any other questions, please ask me."
"I will. Let's go back to where we left off before looking back at the past, to what I really wanted to talk to you about."
"First I'm going to tell you something else," said Eileen. "At Christmas I spoke at length with him about all this we just talked about, and now he understands and recognizes the fault he had. But I don't excuse him for that, okay? He had years and years to realize it much earlier."
"Well, yes, the truth is. I don't excuse him at all either."
"That's why I will understand and support you in any decision you make regarding him, think about it very calmly. You will not be under the same roof as him again or even see him if you are not willing to do so, not on my part."
"I don't have much to think about, honestly," said Sev. "I already told you that I don't want to see him again. Tell me now what it was like when he came the last time."
"He showed up here the week after the mess, when you were at maximum risk. I found him waiting on the street one afternoon when I was coming back from work, since he couldn't see the house because of the anti-Muggle ward. He was clean and not drunk."
"Yeah."
"He came to try to sort things out once and for all, but I didn't let him in the house, I went in to get money to leave him so he could have dinner and sleep in a boarding house and we went to the park to chat," she continued.
"Did you talk about me? Did you tell him anything about the war?"
"No, Severus, we didn't talk about that, I didn't think it was a good idea to worry him seeing that he was finally in his right mind. Maybe it would have brought him down again after what had happened at Christmas, he would have been desperate to wait for you here until the summer and that wasn't what he had to do, nor for you to find him here when you came back."
"You did very well then, Mum."
"By then, already before Easter, in fact when he left just after Christmas, which was shortly after you started school, he stayed just long enough to see if you would show up at least for your birthday, I had already gone to the National Health Service to find out about solutions."
"Tell me."
"There are free rehabilitation centres for alcoholics and drug addicts in general, with everything, bed, food, medical and psychological assistance, workshops where they work so that they are not idle and thinking about things… everything, everything," explained his mother. "Again, an advantage of living in one of the richest countries in the world. Also, it is not necessary to have paid contributions, there are also for young people who have never worked."
"Yeah."
"I told him to go to the doctor to find out the next day and to immediately enter a centre. The assistance is immediate as soon as you go, you do not have to wait."
"Oh… Do you know if he did it? Have you heard from him again?" he asked.
"He wrote to me that same afternoon from the centre, they let him do it so he could inform me and not worry me, he told me the whole process. In principle, for alcoholics of his level, almost the entire life of alcoholism, he has to be hospitalized for nine months, the first three without visits, communication with the outside world or permission to leave."
"Tough. I don't think he can bear it."
"It's a very serious illness, Severus, I told you before. The goal is to get them out of the habit of everything they're used to, even leaning on the relatives whose lives they've ruined, so that they learn to take care of themselves and start from scratch. Seen that way, three months is very little time."
"Of course."
"What they do do is inform the relatives without putting us in direct contact with them. We have the right to write or call the people in charge of the center once a week and they also let us know if the inmate has left on his own, because it's not a prison, if you want, just as you came, you leave and that's it."
"That's why I tell you that I don't think he'll last," said Sev.
"But if you want to go back later you have to start from scratch again, he'd better not run away."
"Of course."
"We can also send them clothes," she continued. "I sent him everything I had at home, the summer clothes, because at that time I couldn't buy him anything. If he needs anything later, they will let me know and I'll send it to him."
"Ugh… You still have to keep an eye on him."
"They're not allowed books or music. Dangerous, they should control what they listen to and read."
"True," he understood.
"For the next three months they can communicate on their own. The same, one call or letter a week and a visit from direct family every fifteen days. If he holds out, he'll complete three months in the second half of August. If between now and then you've thought about whether you want to see him, we'll both go."
"Okay, I have plenty of time and peace to think things over, but I'm telling you I don't think I'll do it, I don't feel like seeing him at all."
"I will go," said Eileen. "It isn't close, right? And it isn't in London either. I'll find out about public transport, or have Violet take me if she can."
"Don't involve Violet in that, Mum. Go Apparating if you can and if not, don't go. He doesn't deserve it."
"The last three months they can go on leave, more or less frequently depending on the assessment made by the psychologists of their recovery. Leaves of a day or a whole weekend, every week or every two weeks. When they return they are tested to see if they have relapsed. If they do, they have to start all over again."
"And do you think you will let him come back home?" asked Sev.
"Ugh, honey, I don't know. I'll see when I go to visit him."
"Mum, you should forget about him forever. You have an attachment that would not be healthy in itself, to top it off with a person who abuses you and your son. It's your life and you can do with it what you want, but I don't think that's right."
"Honey, I don't see it like that, but rather as a very serious illness," she disagreed. "The doctor who informed me also told me that they always have availability in the centers because very few can withstand the whole process."
"Of course. What I was telling you. I don't think he can withstand it."
"If he does, at the end of the nine months they are evaluated by the entire group of specialists who have treated them and decide whether it is convenient for them to leave now or to stay longer."
"Yeah."
"But there is a very interesting incentive for all those who comply and leave only when those in charge allow it," added his mother. "Fixed work, not temporary, in accordance with the capabilities of each person, and a home and maintenance paid, even if it is a pension, during the first month of work, until they receive their first salary."
"Yes, it is very good, but I think that as soon as he is on the street he will return to his old ways."
"Maybe not. He would have his life sorted, Severus. Living in this country is a great bargain, even if you have screwed it up to the max you still have opportunities. And all thanks to the large amount of taxes paid by all the workers who do comply throughout their lives."
"You are still very naive, Mum, and the last thing I would want is for you to fall for him again. You should take advantage and get a divorce."
"We can talk about it later if you want."
"Have you contacted those responsible?"
"Not every week, but yes," she answered.
"And how is he?"
"His health is fine, that's the only thing they tell you about, because the psychological process must be very hard, and even more so for him, many wounds from youth to overcome and a lot of guilt for what he has done to us. He has to cleanse himself of all that in order to start from scratch."
"Yeah."
"In fact, I suspect that they might not let me see him at the end of three months, that it will take him longer than most to overcome that stage," Eileen said.
"I think that is also possible. And I can think of another problem that he will have, he will not be able to tell the whole truth, about the magic and so, they would think him crazy and he would be admitted to a psychiatric hospital."
"Of course, I already warned him about that. Maybe it is a problem, yes, because the violence problem he has arose from there."
"Ugh… nothing to be done," he lamented.
"Well, if he can't tell the doctors, he can tell me, I will find out and treat him appropriately. I'll finish telling you what I talked to him about when we met in the park and I recommended the center to him."
"Of course, do it."
"The decision I had made," she said. "That I would be with him again if he gets rehabilitated, but perhaps not living with him, if he has to live far away to earn a living."
"I don't see it clear, because being on the street he can fall back at any time."
"And do you know what he told me? He had also had many months to think things over since Christmas."
"What did he say to you?" asked Sev.
"That if I wanted to live with him again and you didn't want to do it, he would do everything possible to find a job, even if it wasn't one of his qualifications, here in Cokeworth, and the time you had to spend at home he would go to a boarding house or a rented flat to leave the house for us if you didn't want to see him again. That he was content if you forgave him before he died."
"I doubt I'll ever forgive him, Mum, and of course I don't want to live with him again. I could go and live with any of my friends now, if I'm here it is to be with you. But if he comes back to this house, I won't do it, not even if he leaves when I come, not even to be with you. So think very carefully about living with him again, because I would completely ignore the issue. That's what I'm telling you."
"He also told me that as soon as you graduate, we should leave the house for you, so you could live your adult life, we would make a transfer of the joint property in your name," said his mother.
"He bought the house but it belongs to both of you, right?"
"Of course it belongs to both of us, because of marriage, he was still paying for it when we got married. If we got divorced we would have to sell it to divide the money, and neither of us would have enough to buy a new one. This house, today, has very little value, it's very old-fashioned."
"Yeah. Anyway, leaving it to me doesn't seem like the best solution to me," he objected. "I'm only going to need a house for three months a year, and not even that, since I plan to travel a lot on holidays."
"Don't celebrate victory, Severus. The Chair will still take some time and as long as the old man is alive, you'll be in his hands."
"True, but I'll buy another house when I sell the jewels."
"That's true, of course, you won't lack that."
"As I said, forget about leaving me the house, I don't want it," Sev declined. "Without you, I don't want to live here. In my opinion, you should get a divorce, split the money and go live somewhere else, Mum. If that's the case, I'd help you, but if you continue with him, I wouldn't. It's a suffering that I want to avoid at all costs and I'd break up with you too. So think about it very calmly."