Hello, dears!

Thank you for your patience in waiting two weeks for this chapter, you're all amazing.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, so I didn't get to respond to all of your reviews, but I am slowly catching up, I promise :).

As a gentle note, I wanted to let you know that this chapter, along with a few upcoming ones, won't be edited by my dear beta, CoppertopJ. She is currently focusing on her health, and I know we all wish her the best as she takes this time for herself.

Thank you for your understanding!

Esme was gone when I returned to the house.

Checking my phone, I quickly understood that it would be a while until she got back, according to the last text message received from her. As it turned out, my mother had a mission of her own today, because even if our stay in Forks was going to be short-lived, she could not fathom spending her time in an inescapably empty and impracticable space, like I had. She wanted to temporarily transform the house into a friendlier place, one that could remind her of home—and also one that had running water and electricity.

Not really caring either way, I packed a change of clothes and left, determined to fuel up for what I was certain would be a difficult night to bear in terms of thirst, since Bella and I were going to be alone again. It hardly mattered that it had only been a few days since my last hunt—in her presence, being full of blood didn't really make a difference.

Taking no risks, I fed on two unlucky deer—fully detesting their flavour, as it only made me ache that much more for the blood I really craved—before moving to the even less exciting offering of rabbits. I was probably overdoing it, ending way more lives than I needed to, but I much preferred this option compared to the nightmare of possibly acting out on my thirst and hurting Bella tonight.

Of course, I also had… the other hunger to consider.

Just as wild and demanding, but a million times more humane. Learning how to govern it was still an imperfect work in progress. Unlike the thirst for blood, I had no thorough training in numbing it. Long ago, the only transient relief I could find was during the rare moments in which I pleasured myself. More of a necessity than anything else, those moments were few and far between and they happened whenever my lustful forays with Bella got me riled up to the insane point in which the overstimulation turned my desire into actual pain. I always waited to be alone to bring myself to orgasm, knowing better than to tell her that I wanted to add a new and exasperatingly erotic layer to our relationship.

Because even if it never went further than masturbation, she would have said yes. Even worse—but also better—she would have been more than eager to turn that act into something mutual. And it was one thing to unravel myself at the mercy of my own depraved fantasies, but to witness her do the same, in front of me? In tandem with me? For me?

I wouldn't have made it. I would have taken her before she even got to lay a finger on her perfect body, all reason be damned.

And it would have ended us both, I had no doubt, courtesy of the incompatibility between my unbridled necessity to possess her and my inhuman force.

With my fantasies often turning into disaster, it was no wonder that I didn't offer myself the chance for relief that often. I was undeserving of it. Thankfully, during my time away from Bella, there was almost never a need for it, save for the rare times in which I accidentally let my mind spiral too far back into concupiscent memories. Other than that, the thousands of miles between me and her left room for a great deal of temperance.

But now, temperance was almost a breath away from being a thing of the past. Because every moment spent with Bella, every chance of physical and emotional proximity, every blush of hers—it was all bringing me down a path of hypersexual longings that I wouldn't even have thought possible a decade ago.

However, I had been deliberately ignoring the part of me that longed for the sweet relief of an orgasm, feeling that I would somehow betray the trust that Bella so innocently put in me if I went there.

Still, without relief I was more prone to listen to the devil on my left shoulder, who was waiting for any moment of weakness on my part, just so that he could convince me to touch her. Properly. At least once. But the devil also wanted to kiss her. To discover the shape of her body without the obstruction of clothes. To drag his tongue all over that alabaster skin. To open her legs and learn the lesson of pleasuring her all night long.

All of his—and, well, to be honest all the way, my—desires culminated with one. To fully capitulate and fuck her.

So unsurprisingly, I was a mobile pile of stress and arousal when I sneaked into the backyard half an hour after midnight and I saw her there, standing right where the forest line began, wearing a tight camisole and the same sweatpants she wore on the night she fell asleep with me by her side. Her hair was down, covering most of her neck and breasts.

Good, no distractions then.

"Hi," she offered softly. "It's good to see you."

"Likewise."

It was so strange—to be in front of her and to have no choice but to keep my hands to myself. It felt almost like a sacrilege to do nothing at all. And just as expected, my previous feast barely did anything to prepare me for the full blow of feeling her fragrance again. I breathed it in, letting the fire rip through me.

"Do you want to take a short walk maybe?" she asked.

I raised one eyebrow. "The forest is not the friendliest place at this hour."

"I know, but I don't care. You're here if anything dangerous gets too close."

It was astounding how she still failed to see that the most dangerous thing here was my presence. But at the same time, I found it endearing how she wasn't scared of me, despite the fact that it would have been the easiest thing in the world to do something unorthodox to soothe my thirst tonight.

So we started walking slowly, our footsteps barely audible as we stepped on the moist grass. Soon enough, the grass gave way to the soil of a well-beaten path, as we entered the forest through the most predictable opening. Once there, darkness engulfed us completely, deafening my reason.

It felt thrilling and scary and special and terrifying to be in this place again. This was the same place where, over one week ago, I had done the unthinkable and got out of the shadows and helped her, unraveling a most uncertain path for my future. And before that…

The place where I broke both of our hearts.

The deep gash of that tragedy was still open—as it would always be—and now it seemed that a new knife was puncturing through it, forcing it to bleed into painful memories, as I pondered about what life would have been like now if I never left. I wondered if this walk would have taken place in broad daylight instead, since she wouldn't have had any reasons to sneak behind anyone's back. There would have been no underlying reasons for her to feel guilty over meeting me, nor for me to constantly convince my hands to remain as far away from her body as possible.

That alternate reality was missing something—the very real possibility that Bella might have not even been alive at all if I stayed. My mere proximity was the most dangerous thing to her, and that certitude was enough to suffocate my ridiculous fantasy and leave it for dead.

My attention got sidetracked when I heard the snapping of a twig under Bella's foot. She tripped before I could decide whether it was appropriate to catch her or not, but whatever merciful god was above decided not to let her fall.

"Perhaps walking is not such a good idea, given the circumstances," I suggested, my voice alarmed.

"That's nothing, I know this place."

"Maybe during daylight."

"I'm just saying, my eyes will adjust, I'll—" I watched as her previously hurt foot hit a rock—which, in itself, was not the worst thing in the world—and my mind could no longer take it. I steadied her, my hand reaching to grab her waist for a moment that felt impossibly short, yet oddly unending. When my fingers made contact with the soft curve of Bella's waist, the heat was the first thing that stirred me. There was so much of it, barely contained by the thin fabric of her camisole. It was radiating in waves, with no hope to be cooled down. And the way the flesh yielded under my hard touch… so easily, no resistance whatsoever, as if it was trained to do just that.

I retreated my hand without really wanting to, once I realized she was stable on her feet. And even if that touch of little consequence had ended, my hand still tingled from the electric potency.

Mystified, but also careful to not let myself slip, I eyed a fallen alder—the same on which Bella was sitting last time we were both here, right before she messed up her ankle—waiting a few feet away from us and saw the outline of my escape. "I'm saying we find a place to sit down," I said. "Deal?"

She accepted with a mumble, and I was surprised when she moved in the right direction, where the fallen trunk awaited.

"There should be a fallen tree," she started, "right about… here."

Maybe her eyes were indeed adjusting, as she led me right to the dead alder. She only seemed slightly uncertain as her knees bent, so that she could find the right place to sit. But once she found it, she smiled, evidently smug. I followed her, choosing to place a safe distance between us.

"Well, the good news is that I am starting to sort of see your face, so it won't feel like I'm talking alone at night, like a crazy person."

I laughed at her little remark, instantly regretting the action once the new influx of air in my lungs got riddled with the sweet smell of her breath and the delectable aroma of life pumping inside her veins. The little distance I had put between us seemed to be useless.

"Bella, that ship has long sailed, don't you think?"

Her eyes widened, feigning shock. "You take that back!"

"Never."

We laughed together, and recklessly, she drew her body closer to me.

"You know, this is the best part of today for me," Bella said, once her amusement subsided.

Pride. Joy. Disbelief. A mixture of all three sentiments swept me off my feet at her confession.

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, all that paperwork I was telling you about earlier when you stopped by? It lasted for hours."

"I'm sorry."

"And when I got home, there was some mess-up with the telephone bills, so wouldn't you know, more paperwork to work through."

"Perhaps you should be sleeping then, because it sounds like you've exhausted your resources for today."

"No, that's what I'm trying to say, Edward. This moment is probably the first time today when I feel like I can breathe. You're… you're calming me, I think."

That was an interesting progression—I had not even daydreamed about the possibility of my presence feeling calming to her. I could guess, by now, that seeing me was at least enjoyable for her, otherwise she wouldn't have pursued all these meetings. But the idea of her finding calmness because of me was certainly pleasing, even if I didn't understand it fully.

"I didn't expect that," I admitted.

"Me neither. Especially not here."

My muscles tensed. "Why not here?"

The whoosh of her blood rushing to her cheeks set me on fire. I moved away from her, putting some sensible distance between us again.

"I-I mean… I'm not sure if you even remember, but here is where… you know, the place where we—well, not we… where you…"

Fuck. I should have given Bella more credit for her memory. She kept stuttering, and I decided to end her pitiful attempt to finish the sentence. "No, I remember. I'm just surprised you do too."

"It's pretty much the place that made me discover what a panic attack means, so… yes, I remember."

"Oh." Her divulgence felt too raw. Too personal—the kind of thing that usually remained unspoken. Needless to say, I was hopelessly curious to learn more, but I didn't want to come off as too intrusive, so I offered her the chance to choose. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's not exactly fun to talk about."

Not an outright no. But not a yes either. I tried a different approach. "I hope you know you're not scaring me with that."

Her lashes fluttered, as she appeared to ponder what to do next. "Fine," she decided. "But don't laugh, okay?"

"I can't imagine why I would."

Her eyes met mine and, even though the rods in her retina required at least thirty more minutes to accept the darkness for what it was, I was pretty certain that she could see me well-enough to understand that I had no intention to diminish her experiences with a joke.

Her position shifted again once she seemed to gather enough trust to continue. Almost imperceptibly, she leaned forward, supporting herself on the palm of her hand. "When you left… it took me a while to get used to… life, in general, I guess. The simplest things, that I used to take for granted, started feeling like chores. So I figured that if I wanted to actually function again, I had to find a way to… accept it. To accept that things were fully over between us." Bella paused, hesitating. "So it made a lot of sense for me to go back to where it all ended. To return here until it no longer felt like you had a hold on me."

I listened to her, reining in the level of aghast astonishment on my face. It was quite staggering to imagine Bella—at least this version of her, who had already made a promise to another man—returning to this place specifically to face her fears. I knew, thanks to Alice, that the break-up had not been easy for either of us, but it was one thing to be made aware of that through the distant retellings of my sister, and another for Bella to disclose it.

It used to hurt when Alice shared her knowledge regarding Bella's recovery with me, but I had ways to push through the pain. Having seen so many human minds in my lifetime, I was convinced that the eventual conclusion for Bella was healing. A potentially lengthy healing process, sprinkled with unfortunate hiccups, but it was the endgame that mattered.

So whatever stories Alice had for me, I was trained to swallow the agony caused by them.

But somehow, that level of agony was nothing compared to what I felt now, as Bella's voice trembled while she told me about her suffering. There was no reason for me to be so deeply affected, since her pain—however intense at the time—was a thing of the past. Now I finally had proof that she was over me. I stared at her engagement ring intently, to further reinforce that proof into my brain, but it didn't work.

"I made a habit out of it," she continued, my struggle unknown to her. "I came here a few times a week, replaying that day in my mind. And… it was difficult for a while. There was a lot of anxiety involved, because being here triggered a feeling of impending doom within me. But funnily enough, this exposure therapy actually worked. After enough time had passed, I was able to revisit this place without losing my mind."

My mind was taken back to the day when I spied on her in this very forest, right before her injury. How peaceful she looked. Was that what she was doing then—a mental exercise to keep her sanity in check? I didn't know what to say. What even was the appropriate thing to say in such a situation? My reason was hammered, so I went with what I felt was right. "I'm truly sorry you went through all of this." Then, instantly, something else occurred to me. "Why did you think I would laugh?"

"Because the panic, the inability to move on fast enough, all these things… I don't know, I suppose they're what you would call human things, so I'd understand if you thought that they didn't make a ton of sense. Or that they're silly."

"Bella, I may not be human, but my ability to feel is very much locked in place. And what happened here, years ago? It affected me too. Nothing about it was easy."

"It did?"

"Of course. I was a mess for way too long after I left, so I know a thing or two about heartbreak."

She seemed confused—rightly so. "But… I thought that was what you wanted."

"It absolutely was. But it didn't hurt any less."

Bella shook her head, the expression on her face too vague to decipher. "You are a riddle, I swear."

I wasn't sure if I should have been offended or not. "What?"

"Your line of thinking is baffling to me. It contradicts what I thought I knew."

"And what is it that you thought you knew?"

"Honestly? For the longest time I thought that your decision was all about that night, when Jasper… you know…"

Yes, I knew. That most haunting night when I nearly lost her was not something I could ever let go of—not when I knew I was to blame for it. In my pursuit to offer her a myriad of human moments to cherish, I had almost forgotten that Bella was always one breath away from death as long as I was near her.

I could vividly remember the sight of blood dripping down her finger. A single drop, slithering its bold way along her white skin. I could also remember how it had taken me all the strength in the world to keep my hands locked in fists instead of reaching to grab her hand, seal my mouth to the small wound, and drink. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to sink my teeth into that finger and break the delicate phalanges in my search for more.

So many promises arose in my mind, not a single one of them good or noble.

Would I be able to stop the bleeding of her finger, just so that I could move to her neck, where a much more generous quantity of blood awaited? Would it hurt her terribly? Would it make a difference if I held her in my arms while I did it? Or if I stopped to kiss her neck every once in a while, before plunging my teeth back into the one true home of her throat?

In that critical moment when all of my nightmares took the shape of fantasies, only one thing surpassed my thirst.

Love.

My love for Bella was the only thing that kept me grounded, reigning over the ugly thorns of my ache and yearning. Because along with the violent images that her blood brought to light, an entirely different set of images emerged as well. Images of a world in which Bella no longer existed. A world in which none of my past efforts mattered, because the ending was precisely as tragic as I had always feared. A world that held no interest for me to exist in.

Even worse, for three interminable seconds, those images were perfectly clear in Alice's mind, as the vision hit her with the force of a derailed train. She saw me—my eyes as red as the core of the sun—screaming my lungs out in front of a breathless Bella. Then, just as fast, she saw me uprooting a tree with my bare hands and throwing it in the middle of the road, as a dozen people watched in horror. The vision ended right as a pair of pale hands grabbed my head forcefully, while a voice I recognized from Carlisle's memories whispered: "Such a waste".

As my mind comprehended the unspeakable horror of even coming close to Bella's blood, I found my motivation to behave. But by that point, it was too late for Jasper.

Having absorbed the worst of my hunger, he held nothing back as he launched. All the brutality I had repressed and all the ferocity I had pushed back—everything reflected in his actions tenfold.

I closed my eyes, trying very hard to get my mind to focus on what was happening now instead of that mortifying memory. When I opened them again, I realized Bella was waiting for me to say something.

"Right," I managed. "That night. You thought it was all about that night."

"Yes. But maybe it wasn't." I said nothing, too startled by the fact that she was precisely right. So she went on. "I have this crazy theory that you wanted to break things off way before that. I'd say… August? After Seattle?"

My mind took me back to that warm, humid August—the one and only summer I ever shared with Bella. I remembered Seattle clearly. Bella wore the flimsiest, most delicate dress—courtesy of Alice—when I took her out to dinner one early evening. Throughout that evening, I kept getting distracted by the way her bare shoulders moved as she breathed in and out, making her chest stand out through the lilac-coloured fabric. Bella proved to be less interested in the fancy food and much more interested in what followed after, when we walked outside, right into a tight alley that separated the restaurant from the apartment block beside it.

With her back pressed tightly against that wall, she welcomed my sudden passion with enthusiasm, as my pent up lust drove me to push far more limits than either of us were used to.

My tongue just simply couldn't get enough of Bella, it kept exploring on and on and on—the warm, ever-inviting inside of her mouth, the elegant slope of her neck, the flushing valley of her cleavage—never tiring, nor getting enough. I kept going back and forth between those sacred places, my frenzy increasing with each second, until my thirst managed to strangle all hope of testing myself any further. With my teeth itching to bite, I put an end to it quickly and abruptly—something that I had no doubt she was used to.

Nevertheless, things didn't really change that much once we arrived home. I still spent the night in her bedroom, as I always did. I still sang her to sleep. And the following day? I found myself unable to keep my hands off of her body at school. So I couldn't imagine what could possibly make her believe that Seattle had anything to do with my decision.

"Bella, my decision had been made long before your birthday. And certainly long before Seattle."

"Really? How long before?"

I debated whether to lie or not, but every cell inside my body pined for me to tell the truth, so I chose to listen to my instinct—at least this particular instinct couldn't harm her. "About the same time you were in the hospital," I confessed. "It made me realize that being a part of my world was simply not a feasible option for you."

"Oh… wow. That's… wow. So not even Jasper had anything to do with it?"

"To be completely fair, Jasper wouldn't have done what he did if it weren't for me," I answered, still wanting to be sincere. "Certainly, he wasn't as trained in resisting human blood as the rest of us, but that wasn't the main problem. After all, he did witness papercuts before, at school, and there had been no massacre. But with you, it was different, because he felt my thirst first and foremost. And he felt how close I was to losing it." I was ashamed to say those words out loud, in front of her, especially when she looked at me with so much undeserved understanding. But I also felt compelled to be honest with her, now that enough time had passed for my past lies to be obsolete. "So it wasn't really his thirst that got him to launch at you. It was mine."

"God, that must have been terrible for both of you," she replied, her voice as soft as the July wind whirling around us.

Of course, she was worrying about anyone else but herself. "Are you forgetting who ended up with stitches after that whole ordeal?"

"Right." She laughed, as if that part was somehow funny. I frowned in return—the correct reaction to have. She must have observed the change in my face, because her chuckle died. "But that summer… was any of it even real?"

My chest hummed with pain when I heard how forlorn she sounded. I didn't want to live in a world in which she actually believed that the good parts of our relationship had been fabricated. "Everything was, Bella. I wanted all the time I could get with you."

"Why all the stalling though?"

"I couldn't bring myself to leave. You were…" I stopped just in time, right before I almost told her that she was my mate. There was no use trying to convey just how permanent the string that tied me to her was, so I decided to go with something slightly more acceptable. "Well, quite frankly, there is no way around it. You were my first love. And your hold on me was far too strong at the time."

Her heart stammered as I talked and I felt awful. Clearly, my burst of honesty had made her uncomfortable. "But… you still left."

"I still left." There was a brief pause on my part, as I struggled to find something positive to say. "On the bright side, everything passes. Eventually."

"But you see, that's also the problem, Edward. Everything passes. Even the good things."

"Some of them last."

"Yes, but never the ones we ask for."

Silence fell for a while, making me wonder if I had ruined everything by saying too much. I liked to believe that this conversation, as deeply intimate as it was, didn't feel like an awkward burden to her. She had grown enough in my absence to know better than to mourn the absurd idea of the two of us together.

"I'm sorry for asking you all these questions," she said, a bitter laugh insinuating in her discourse. "I think a part of me never got over the fact that you never gave me much to work with in terms of answers."

In the darkness, her eyes found mine, and I couldn't look away. In fact, I wanted nothing more than to get lost inside them, knowing that it was the one place where I felt truly safe. As I stared at her, I recognized the force that started flowing through my body, willing it to budge, but I didn't fight it. I simply accepted its seductive pull, while I moved on the fallen tree, closer to Bella.

With only two feet separating us, her scent became inescapable. In an act of complete madness, I breathed in deeply, letting the fire consume my senses.

"I know," I uttered, aware that she still expected me to say something in return. "I apologize for that."

Entertaining my madness, she also moved, killing more distance between us. I didn't dare breathe, once I realized that our thighs were so close they almost touched—and especially once I realized that our faces had not been in such close vicinity in years.

Bella appeared to be a little startled as well, if the rhythm of her heart was anything to go by—but then again, the quick rhythm could mean a myriad of things. Fear. Anxiety. Anger.

But she didn't sound fearful, anxious, or angry when she spoke. "The funny thing is… even with you here, now, actually giving me answers… I realize I still don't understand."

"What?"

"Why you never gave us a real chance. As if failure was the only way forward for us."

I shook my head, seeking an appropriate response and realizing I had nothing. Once again, I was stuck, unable—and more frighteningly, unwilling—to lie. "I'm starting to think I don't understand it either."

Our gazes parted when she closed her eyes. Almost on command, my own eyes followed suit. With one sense obstructed, the rest of them rejoiced. I could smell the strange anticipation in the air, almost as potent as the smell of her blood. And in that moment, all sounds of the forest faded into nothingness, as Bella's hitched breath commanded attention. I focused on it, inhaling each short gust of air she expired.

Being so sinfully close to her was the sweetest inferno. I was close enough to know that if I leaned forward just a few inches, our lips would touch and burn together.

"If I told you something," she began, allowing me to feel the vibration of her speech directly on my face, "can you promise not to hold it against me?"

I didn't think twice about my answer. "You know I couldn't do such a thing."

"It's something that's been on my mind for a while now."

"Then you know I want to hear it."

She sucked in a great amount of air, as if the intake of oxygen could somehow help her find the courage to voice her thoughts out loud. And thankfully, it worked. "I really missed you, Edward. And I thought it'll pass at some point, but the thing is… it didn't. I miss you when you're not here."

The solace brought by her confession was impossible to contain into mere words. It was too grand, too powerful—otherworldly almost. Was this what dreaming felt like? This immense pleasure didn't seem to belong to reality, so I figured that the answer was yes. This was the closest I could get to dreaming, come to think of it.

Trying to keep my excitement quelled, I found the power to talk. "Why do you think I'm always here when you ask me to? I miss you too, Bella. Every day. Even now."

"Why now? I'm right here."

"You are, but it's all so impermanent."

I was still deprived of my sight when I felt her moving again, until the gravitational pull of her lips was no longer within reach. I opened my eyes to find something just as enticing, but a million times worse, waiting for me. Now that Bella had pushed her head back, glancing upwards at the branches that covered the star-spotted firmament, her neck was not only barren and exposed, but also within direct range of my mouth.

Hypnotized, I watched the tantalizing movement of her jugular veins underneath the skin—so plump and lush and full of the blood that I would have died to taste.

I leaned forward without second-guessing my actions. "May I?" I asked, lost in a trance.

I wasn't sure what I was doing, all I knew was that I wanted to be closer still, because the one inch sundering my lips from her throat felt like a mile now. Bella nodded, giving me permission to proceed with my lunacy, and I channeled all of my efforts into not submerging my teeth in her neck. An almost impossible task, seeing that I was no longer aware of where my thirst ended and where my lust began.

The air between us tasted like her, as my conscience danced between sin and reason. I opened my mouth to take in as much as I could of that fragrance, granting it access to incinerate my insides. In my attempt to accept the inferno for what it was, my effort translated into a low sound—a sound that walked a thin line between pleasure and pain. My groan echoed in the small, almost non-existent space between my lips and her neck.

"Is it… is it difficult for you?" Bella whispered. I had not realized it before, but she was panting. From fear? From guilt? Or… from some distorted sense of desire? I couldn't tell. Not that I was any better, since my breaths had become an accelerated mess. "Being this close to my blood, I mean."

"It's… a battle."

"What if it wasn't?"

I almost slipped and kissed her neck then and there. "How?"

"I was thinking… I could let you take a sip. Or two."

"No." My response was immediate, and I fought to make it sound harsh, so that it wouldn't leave any room for doubt. "I can't. I won't. Never."

As expected, she didn't heed my warning. "I've been thinking though… you wouldn't even have to bite me. If you grazed my skin a little, enough to draw blood…"

The prospect flashed in my mind, against my better judgement—so shortly, but yet long enough to leave the cruel mark of what if behind. The mental image of Bella's blood, flowing freely from a small cut on her neck... hurrying along her clavicle… and dripping directly into my mouth…

It was all too much.

Weak and dying from the sheer anguish of wanting her so badly, I groaned once more. Her flesh trembled, close to the trap of my teeth.

I shook my head, starting to question how we even got to this point. I was remotely aware that I had started it, when I foolishly leaned in to indulge my senses with her perfume, but for some odd reason, she was continuing it. There had to be an end in sight. "Bella, you wouldn't dangle the sweetest liquor in front of an alcoholic like that, would you?"

"You are not an alcoholic," she retorted, clearly not understanding that I was on the edge of the precipice, ready to fall at a moment's notice.

"No, you know I am much worse," I warned, wondering if some good old-fashioned fear would work to bring some sense into her brain. If she could see half of what my mind was capable of when it came to her… she would not think twice about running away from me. I wished for her to comprehend how primal and feral the calling to drink from her was. Because if she understood, she wouldn't have offered herself on a silver platter like that.

No sign of understanding seemed to be there when Bella spoke again, "Tell me something then. How close are you to doing something to me?"

There was no point in lying. "Extremely."

"In that case, it would probably help if you had something to take the edge off. It would make it easier next time you saw me, right?"

"I don't want to take the edge off."

"Then what do you want?" she asked in exasperation.

That was certainly a good question.

Almost two weeks ago, I thought I knew precisely the answer. Back then, I wanted nothing more than to privately check on her, to finally see her healed and happy. But that past wish of mine seemed so distant now, after all the happenings that led me to this precise moment in time and space. Whatever possessed me to believe that I could be Bella's friend without selfishly seeking her attention? Without wanting more and more and more, never getting enough of what she was able to offer me?

Forcing myself to snap out of this spellbound state, I backed off. I figured that if I could see Bella's expression, it would finally convince me to put the act of behaving properly back on.

I realized how wrong I was immediately after.

Nothing about what I saw could save me from myself. Bella's lips were parted, her cheeks rubescent from the increasing flow of blood. The embodiment of a forbidden fruit, she looked unnervingly eager for something. While I couldn't correctly guess what it was that she wanted, I was fully cognizant of my own urge, as my body made sure to achingly remind me.

If I could afford to have things my way, I would have taken Bella right here. Right on the fallen alder, her back pressed against the bark while I thrust inside her as deeply as her hot depths allowed. Hard, steady, urgent, wet.

Through the fog of my fantasy, I remembered that she was expecting an answer from me, so I went ahead and offered her one that was as vague as it was true. "Nothing good."

Stunned by my own nerve, I watched incredulously as my right hand raised up, until it was at the same level with Bella's face. She didn't say anything, but the black hole of her pupils suddenly became wider. With my jaw clenched tightly, I tried to stop before I went too far, but there was no strength in me. With no witnesses around, apart from the ancient trees, the sin I was so close to committing felt less severe. More acceptable.

Impossibly, my fingers finally touched her cheek, and the earth stopped spinning.

The only source of gravity was the searing skin of Bella's face, and my hand could not help but submit to its pull. My cold fingers lingered there, making me forget how I was ever able to live without this. With all the care in the world, my touch trickled down, stealing as much warmth in the process as it could, stalling once it reached the contour of Bella's mandible. It seemed as if the veins underneath were ready to implode, if the way they pulsed so wildly out of control was any indication.

Not ready to let go—but also too captivated by the way her lips tremored—my thumb went on a path of its own, descending until it reached the corner of her mouth. Listening to some long-forgotten instinct, Bella parted her lips more, saluting my intrusion. I dragged the tip of my thumb over them, marveling at the surreal softness, but also at how the texture felt exactly the same as I remembered. There was no strangeness, only familiarity.

I repeated the motion, baffled by how supremely pleasing it felt. But the pleasure didn't last long, as the threads of my thirst also started to weave their way into my actions. I could almost see how easy it would have been to follow Bella's prior suggestion. A quick scrape of my nail and the flush of her lips would liquify and dribble down her chin in a red stream.

And God, the blood-stained kiss that would inevitably follow…

That vision almost did me in. Just as quickly as it had arrived on her face, my hand pulled back.

Slowly, but surely, the earth started spinning again.

"You're getting married, Bella," I said, my voice hoarse from the unsated longing.

"I am."

"We shouldn't."

"Right." She nodded shortly, a little confused—if I had to guess, my unmanaged mood swing was definitely the culprit. "I know. We… we weren't going to do anything."

"Of course we weren't," I lied. "You should go back inside."

"Yes, but… but I don't want to."

"Why? You need to sleep."

"I know. But I want to stay with you here a little longer. Each time I see you, I feel like it might be the last time."

So she was aware of the expiration date too. "We will see each other tomorrow."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise."

"And the day after tomorrow?"

"Come on now, I'll walk you back," I said, conscientiously ignoring her question.

As I guided Bella back to her house, the ominous pain in my body alerted me that living with it past tonight was not an option. Ever since I arrived, that pain had done nothing but grow and mutate. So after I bid my goodbye, I didn't stick around to listen to the sound of her falling asleep. I didn't head back home either, where Esme surely awaited.

Instead, I went back into Bella's backyard, decided to head towards the place where she and I stomped over several limits tonight.

I didn't make it that far. As soon as I stepped back inside the forest, I decided I could no longer take it. Postponing the inevitable even one second longer felt like a death sentence. Just like it happened earlier, my body made decisions before my brain could filter if they were decent enough to act upon. It felt like I couldn't unzip my jeans fast enough, so I ripped the zipper open, to get it over with.

My cock sprung open—throbbing, hard, and tortured by all the unfulfilled teasing. Having endured enough of my own nonsense, I went through the motions. I closed my eyes and started rubbing myself back and forth—no light teasing, I was past that point. The frozen veins in my shaft felt rough to the touch as I stroked it, but I couldn't care less. By now, my mind had replaced the depressing set-up with something much more alluring.

Between two blinks of an eye, I was right back with Bella, on the fallen log. But in the perfect land of my imagination, I didn't stop when my fingers reached Bella's lips. In fact, as soon as her mouth opened, I acknowledged the invitation for what it was and leaned in to cover it with mine. With our lips and tongues sealed together in a deep, thoroughly-exploring kiss, my hands were free to embark on the most inciting journey. I couldn't decide what I wanted to touch first, so I touched her everywhere. Running erratically all over her neck, over her breasts, over her waist, over her ass—my hands were in the midst of an overstimulation storm, as they grabbed as much of Bella as they could, as quickly as they managed, too afraid that the thirst could take over any minute and throw us into the arms of tragedy.

The biggest tragedy though? I didn't even get to make love to her in this fantasy.

Truth be told, I came so fast and so hard, I simply didn't get to reach that point. I cursed out loud while my orgasm unraveled into thick, interminable ribbons of venom that landed directly on the grass, and I slowly realized that, in between my lascivious words, Bella's name also rolled off my tongue a few times—a simple avowal that she was the only cause behind my carnal rampage.

And as this pure, unadulterated satisfaction settled in every part of my body, all I could see was her face. Soft and warm and blushing. More beautiful than anything else in the entire universe.

In the wake of one basic need being temporarily—and barely—soothed, I expected some clarity. Some kind of motivation to finally be good and behave in accordance with my morals.

But the clarity never came.

All I was left with was the insurmountable anxiety of wanting Bella back and knowing I could not have her.

Oh, that was quite a loaded meeting, wasn't it?

I am sooo excited to know your thoughts on this chapter! Do you think Edward and Bella will cave soon to the tension? How do you think they'll behave around each other next time, considering that they were *this* close to kissing?

Until next Sunday, stay safe and happy!