Identity quest 2.0.
After this shameful episode, Mandodari had called it a good enough mileage for her and, with the help of some Ukrainian and Russian man, returned him to the apartment complex.
There, Uttara had once again fussed on him. Going as far as to wash his body and recharge whatever was lost.
Meaning quite a few units, all things considered.
The mothering bird settled him on the couch, leaving Zero be after checking up on him again.
As for Zero...
He was recovering...slowly.
He had lost everything, yet this seemed like an excellent opportunity to restart.
Ever since the first cycle, all he knew was war and violence. And whatever time of peace he had was so short compared to the time of strife and misery.
X...how many times did he have to pick up his kohai? How many times did he have to stop him from giving up entirely?
How many times did he tell his life partner that he was not to blame for all the deaths and corruption, that they were doing all they could.
And even he, a machine made for war, someone who loved and revelled in mindless violence, who thought with his blades and spoke with his fist. Whose fuel system was designed to strive on the oil and nanite of his fallen enemies, one who was designed to decommission Megaman X and whatever else happened to move...
Even for him...this was too much...
he had too much violence, killing those he had grown to care about. His fuel system now turned to the thought of drinking blood and the mere concept of his primary directive...
he would rather die...and he did countless times.
But now?
Now...he had an opportunity to be something else, to be someone else then a war machine.
He could, for lack of a better word, truly live!
'But...why me? And how can I live without X?' The only time he had been without his partner was at the end, when Weil had completely taken Neo-Arcadia over.
No, leaving the control console of Ragnarok undamaged had not been a mistake on Zero's part. It was calculated.
Doctor Wily had programmed Zero with the only purpose to Kill X, but he made a grievous mistake.
Zero's main objective was...blocked by another. X was to be his reason to live. His only reason to fight.
He had his answer after the tragic demise of Iris by his very hands. Yes, the shock had been terrible, and yes, he mourned for her...and he had gotten his answer as to why he kept fighting over and over again in countless wars...in countless Cycles.
It was for X.
It was to keep his X safe...and it was to keep him happy.
Iris simply wanted to live away from humans, to have a place where all reploids could live happily without having to serve ungrateful masters. To be an actual race and not just some fancy appliances.
Over the many cycles, Zero had realized that she was onto something...But X's vision of the two 'races' living in harmony took precedence over Iris's more practical solution.
And try as he might, X never accepted to just give up on his utopia...
He couldn't...not when it was his father's wishes.
And thus...without questions...or a few when he remembered all the time he went through those stupid, useless wars, Zero followed X's impossible ideals. And he followed them until he would die for his beloved partner's impossible and destructive ideals.
But now...X was gone...
He was gone...
Zero had the opportunity to try something new...to move on and...live.
'But how?' No matter how many good arguments he gave his CPU, the thing would never let him move on... And Zero was not so convinced with his own arguments, to be very honest.
Seemingly feeling his sorrow, Uttara picked him up from the couch, holding him gently like a child. Soon, Mandodari as well as Ishani were beside him, their divine love surrounding the hurting reploid like a soothing blanket.
"You...miss him," Mandodari spoke gently, holding Zero's hair like one would hold a hand. "It's alright to grieve, Zero."
"Zero...we're all here for you." Uttara crooned.
"Why? Why do you all care so much?" Zero asked...he'd never had something like that happening to him.
He never gave himself time to grieve or deal with his emotions; he didn't have the time and... he didn't know how to do it.
And now... he had time, and there seemed to be people who knew how.
"Because we do...that's our nature." Ishani said. "You are a spirit soul, a part and parcel of Krishna like we are. And like us, you have been suffering immensely in this world of matter."
Zero remained quiet... He felt as if angels had been sent by God to help him. Someone no better than a demon.
'X... X should be with them.' He thought sadly. Some anger also spiced this emotion up rather uncomfortably.
" Why...why all this suffering?" he finally asked, from what he had managed to gather from those Hare Krishnas, they seemed to know the intricacy of Karma. And while the red failure never believed in this Hodge-podge, he was now more than ready to listen.
Maybe it made more sense then just some random string of events aimed at his suffering.
"Karma means actions or the reactions of previous actions. Only those with human consciousness and awareness can make it." Mandodari explained.
Zero, who had been about to deny his humanity, kept his mouth close.
He had human consciousness...and he was a soul, was he to trust the voice in his CPU...
'bah...at the point where I am, I can allow myself some insanity.'
"Animals, insects, plants, ghosts, demi-gods and demons can only burn Karma. Basically, their lives have been already planned in their previous birth, and they are now tasting the fruit of their action...do you understand?" Mandodari asked.
"So...we don't have free will."
"Ananta-chan! You do have free will." Uttara protested "We all do sweet-heart, we just have a certain degree of it." She explained as she began preening Zero's hair.
It was like the sun was gently nibbling on his nanites, it felt weird and...oddly soothing.
"Basically, we map out our destiny, with all of its numerous miseries and a bit of pleasure. And then, we go through it like one goes through a video game." The plump woman interjected.
"But destiny is not completely set in stone," Ishani interjected. " To have free will means that we have the power to choose our path in the face of unavoidable events. The result of our choices depends on our destiny and how we have executed our actions and the state of mind that activated it, but what actions we have performed will have lifetimes worth of repercussions...either good or bad."
"That's why good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people." Mandodari finished. "We're the architect of our own destiny. And whatever happens, whether good, bad or mixed is exactly what we deserve...and, yes, what happens to you and X is simply your karmic due."
"That's easy for you to say." Zero groused, trying to keep some heat in his voice, but with Uttara massaging his head and shoulder... it was nearly impossible.
"My child...we all went through our fair share of Misery," Yashoda said from the kitchen, it was her turn to cook, and she was now cleaning her workspace. "Ishani, in her previous life, was hung on the cross, and in this lifetime, had been bullied for her lack of pigment. Uttara lost her flock, and Mandodari was forced to attend a specialized school and was abused as a means to make her normal."
"I have some mental weirdness, high functioning autism they call it." She rolled her eyes. "It's complete dogshit since my Astrological chart shows nothing of me being afflicted by a bad moon, but because I was conditioned to think myself as wrong, broken and abnormal, I can't fit in normal society, I'm overly naive, and I never managed to fully mature, find a job or even have normal relationships. Basically, I'm an outcast, don't even fit in my birth family..." She spoke with a bright smile. "But thanks to that, I easily picked up Bhakti, and I somewhat fit in!"
"Somewhat fit in?" Ishani parroted with some loving anger. "My dearest friend, you fit in with the most elevated of souls, your purity-"
"Hah!" Mandodari scoffed. "Ishani..." then she realized who she was talking to and averted her eyes, her whole face glowing as red as a lump of coal.
"As for me, Zero...I lost my only son and fell into such grief that I became a demon." Yashoda spoke conversationally yet sorrowfully as she glided closer, her effulgent form not casting a shadow. "I almost destroyed planet earth in my illogical rage."
Zero's brows hid under his blonde fringe.
"Me too." Uttara shamefully revealed. "My power killed all my family... and I got crazy in grief. It's only because Revati and Maricha beat some sense in this dumb bird that the world is not this one piece of inorganic carbon by now."
At this moment, Zero almost jumped off Uttara's lap. It was only due to her arms that he remained seated.
"Oh, don't worry, Ananta, I got better. I won't go that crazy anymore." She assured.
In Zero's opinion, any amount of Craziness for one so powerful was a cause for deep concern.
"Basically, what we're trying to say, Zero, is that everyone goes through their fair share of pain and misery. It comes and goes just like the season. Sometimes everything goes well in your life, and the next thing you know, you lost everything...and sometimes, when everything seems hopeless, you get some pleasure, and you think everything will be OK."
"But it won't," Zero interjected, being used to being cheated out of a hope spot.
"Nope, because we're all gonna die!" Mandodari dramatically spoke with a flourish. "Actually no, this body we're in will eventually perish, but we, the souls, are eternal."
"So...we shall suffer eternally then." Zero deadpan.
"Nope!" Mandodari denied again with a broad smile filled with crooked teeth. "You see, Zero, Karma can be stopped. As with all the suffering that comes with it."
Those words, the red failure perked up. "How?"
"You chant Hare Krishna, dance to it, and feast on Krishna Prasadam." Mandodari declared boldly. "By the way, I know someone around these parts that can make the food you can eat."
Zero stared and computed what he heard... "It...can't be this simple. Can it?"
"Zero, do you know who Krishna is?" Mandodari asked with crossed arms and a knowing smile.
"Yes, Krishna's God." He had heard it often; Karuna-Sindhu also worshipped him and...from what little he remembered from the Gita display from the Vedic museum. And at the point he was at, Zero was willing to believe.
He had prayed, and God answered. He not only answered but also sent his representative to heal and care for him.
He didn't need any more proof about that...but...
'if only I'd prayed for X's salvation...I'm such a glitch.'
"Good! That'll make it easier to explain then." Mandodari clapped her hands. "Basically, Krishna's absolute, his name, form, pastime, words, paraphernalia and whatever else that's in connection to him is as good as Him. So when you chant his names, whether it's Krishna, Rama, Gauranga...well, He's with you."
"and?"
" And Krishna just wants us out of this miserable world of matter where we are forced to take birth and die over and over again." She spoke kindly and with a conviction that made X's own seem lacklustre. "the moment you start Chanting Ha-" All the assembled devotees of Krishna began to chant. "-Re Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare, more sins than you can perform in one lifetime get destroyed, same as all of your karma and your false Ego."
"Really?" Zero asked with enthusiasm he didn't know remained. " I just need to chant and...that's it."
"Yeah, there's also the four regulative principles of human life that you have to follow. But once you start chanting, you're in the final stretch of your game. Pretty cool, eh?"
Zero nodded. "So...what I've been hearing and chanting all this time...why would God care so much about me?" he asked; it made absolutely no sense.
Mandodari put a hand on his knee. "Zero...this is called Causeless mercy. There's no reason behind it except love...and if you chant Hare Krishna, the love you've received from Krishna will extend to all of those you care about."
Zero perked up at those words and yet, feared hope.
He had hoped so often...and it had turned to ashes every time.
"Believe me, Zero, you've already chanted the Maha-Mantra, and you rolled in the dust of the holy-Dham." Mandodari gave a wildly exaggerated if blindingly sincere smile. "As long as you keep chanting Hare Krishna and live your life until your scheduled end, you and X will get better, I promise."
"But X is dead." and nothing Zero ever did would bring him back...not even giving his own core. His own life to the two goddesses had saved him...and Trigger...was not X.
He had been the opposite of X...
he had been a purifier...and his destiny had been set in stone.
He felt Mandodari's incredibly soft hand squeeze his knee. "Prabhuji, the soul can't die; the soul that you called X will be saved...you may not see him again, but it doesn't mean that it will be like this forever."
"My dear son. To those who walk the beautiful path of Bhakti, the destination is one. And since you love your mate so much-"
"Uttara~"
"Krishna will bring him home also." Uttara finished brightly. "There, both of you will eternally serve the lotus feet of Sri-Sri Radha-Krishna under the divine tutelage of Sri Lalita and Sri Rupa."
"Mind you; it will not be as X and Zero," Yashoda Interjected. "But as a pair of pure souls, your identities as Krishna's eternal servants fully realized."
"What do you mean by that?" Zero asked...while he was not a very smart Reploid, years of war meetings and reports had taught him how to have a near infinite attention span.
"I mean that we are not impersonal light, but as an individual with an eternal personality. and we all have a relationship with Krishna that is unique."
"Nobody loses their individuality here." Ishani spoke with a beatific smile. "In this place, no death exists, and everyone will reach it one day."
"even X and...Iris?" Zero hated how small his voice sounded, but the stubborn hope robbed him of his usual stoicism.
Ishani nodded. "Yes...My Father will free them too, and all who they hold dear."
"Zero...you have nothing to lose, just start Chanting Hare-Krishna, and everything will get incrementally better."
The old war machine looked deeply into the organic, guileless face of Mandodari; he could only see deep faith and love. And the conviction that what she said would happen.
"Alright..." he closed his eyes and began chanting.
He chanted until Mandodari and Ishani showed signs of somnolence; by then, he switched to internal, unwilling to disturb them.
Ishani returned to her room, followed by Uttara. Both women didn't seem at all uncomfortable sleeping together. Uttara gave Zero one last round of good night kisses and the blessing that his night would be restful before she retired.
Zero... didn't know how to feel about this head kiss... only X had kissed him and...
And the energy Mother Uttara emanated at that time was not the same as X's. Her's was nurturing...
Well, X's kiss could also be nurturing and… Sweet and…
Zero shook his head. He could not explain it.
Mandodari changed to her colourful nightgown and unrolled her yoga mat and fluffy blanket Combo. Wrapping herself up in the warm blanket and two pillows after taking some pills...Hop, if Zero's nose was still fine-tuned. She opened an old Laptop and began to type...
"What are you typing?" Zero asked.
"A Very Vaishnava Potter...Basically...do you know what a fan-fiction and Harry Potter are?" She asked.
"No...and...maybe tomorrow?"
" Sure." The plump woman looked as if she was trying hard to hold back.
"you...can tell me a little bit." Zero relented.
For the next twenty-five minutes, Mandodari made a feat the reploid only Alia, Ciel and Alouette could perform; she managed to compress ten books worth of data in word form and fill his ears with a somewhat interesting story about wizards from London, a guy who was Sigma but a snake man and how a certain J.K Rowling got the concept of love half right but got the souls so disgustingly wrong it spurred the odd woman to write a fanfiction about it. What Mandodari was writing was how a pair of Vaishnava adopted Harry and how he got himself a nice Govinda restaurant near Madam Puddifoot and made all of the death eater Prasada addicted...and that Nrshimhadeva gave his scar...
Needless to say, by the end of it, Zero still had no idea what she was talking about. But it sounded interesting.
Eventually, her Hop pills kicked in and after closing off her computer and the light, Mandodari fell asleep on her front, as if paying Dandavat to the pair of shoes she had worshipped.
As it turned out, those old footwears belonged to her Guru, the departed Raganuga Swami.
The night passed, and Zero remained awake...doing something that would both elate and surprise X.
He was reading books on Philosophy...after an hour of trying, Zero surrendered to the fact that he could not grasp what Krishna said to Arjuna on the battlefield of Kurukshetra. But he could grasp of God, the source and master of everything and a mere...well, not a mortal, for the soul was eternal- but another atomic spirit, his servant could have such a close relationship...what to say about Krishna, the supreme personality of Godhead joyfully playing the role of a servant to his subordinate.
With five hours to go, Zero had instead taken the Krishna book.
Once again, it was filled with philosophy...but also Krishna's biography...
God had a biography...
At the point Zero was at, he was willing and ready to accept everything those Hare Krishna women would say.
Short of Uttara, all seemed relatively sane and practical, and all that they had said made sense to Zero...and it pleased his soul...
and thus, he read the forewords from George Harrison, ending with a print of his handwriting about all that one needs is Love (Krishna).
Krishna...
Zero had tried everything at that point...and the only time he had been over the moon with bliss was the by-gone time he had X together. And if he were, to be honest...
He still missed it, even if he hadn't seen X alive and not a cyber-elf since...
Eurasia? No...there was something else...was it...did he survive?
He was so confused.
But he knew X was truly gone...and he had also hopefully moved on.
It was now his turn to move on from him...from X... and to Krishna.
And he would do so, despite this awful code.
Besides... He had been dropped in the middle of Bhakti-country, and after all of those repetitions, he had done everything. Expect to practise Krishna-Consciousness. He had nothing to lose, he didn't have an image to maintain, and he had no one to tell him what he could and could not do.
He had no mission either... save for his self-imposed one of serving Mandodari since... maybe she was the reason his body was not shutting down because X was...
He was...
'C'mon Zero; you mourned Iris, you can mourn X...what's the big deal? Everyone you know is dead...gone...just move one...please.' he prayed, finally turning to Krishna...he felt helpless as he tried to fight his own mind and programming.
He had no reason to live if X was not around, and his self-preservation would become nonexistent.
Once again, he could have stopped Weil after he'd killed the craft, and it was not the first time he had been dropped from the stratosphere and survived being blown apart.
He sighed...maybe he was not ready for this book. Instead, he re-selected the Gita from Mandodari's generously landed Tablet. Wanting to move away from his grim fate.
It was old, cracked, and the screen was smudged with everything ranging from natural human oil to...sugar syrup.
And blood...
He cleaned the screen off and injected some nanites into the machine to clean it and bring it on par with his hardware. And, after rebooting the flat computer, Zero resumed his perusal of the Gita.
After another hour...he could only wish X was at his side, reading with him. Everything was there as clear as day, written in black on off-white and explained by his divine grace, A.C Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.
Zero now knew his goal in life; he knew of his purpose and what he had to do to reach it. And as Srila Prabhupada had written, it was to chant Hare Krishna and preach this divine knowledge to the world at large.
Somehow, the text had decided to reveal some of its glories to the reploid. Zero had no idea why or even how this was possible; not even two hours previous, those exact clear words had caused his eyes to cross as he tried to understand their meaning and now?
Now he could... practically taste the meaning.
One Shloka...verse had struck the red android, though. Throughout this millennial work, Sri-Krishna had spoken to Arjuna extensively about the process of Yoga/meditation, the cultivation of knowledge and renunciation...The father of all religion had talked extensively about the modes of material nature that govern everything in the material world...and dharma.
One had a nature, and this nature would push him to act in a certain way and choose following a certain logic. Zero knew he was currently in the mode of ignorance, for he felt depressed, lost and confused...But would he be in a normal time, before all of those fake wars? Then he would be in the mode of Passion.
X was a mix of passion and goodness. His deceased life partner would usually love nice walks in the forest, good books on different matters, primarily psychological and philosophical, some blatantly romantic and plenty of children's books, like Goosebumps passing by a wrinkle in time.
He loved cooking, even though they had yet to figure out how to make reploid-friendly food.
And he wore his heart on his metaphorical sleeves.
X may have been able to fight with the best of them... Zero. But This same Zero who had taught him how to use his fantastic weapon also knew...
X was a fighter... but not a warrior.
He hated taking lives. And he would always mourn whatever Maverick had fallen under his powerful buster shot.
But Zero knew he was not the same; He was a warrior, his Dharma had been the same as Arjuna...and now, he felt like he was having an Arjuna-moment.
Then he realized X also had his Arjuna moment more than once, but Zero had kept him fighting for a lost cause.
'It's too late now...X forgive me; I've been a lousy teacher and the worst partner.'
Nevertheless, Krishna had spoken this one verse in the eighteenth chapter...it was the sixty-six one.
sarva-dharmān parityajya mām ekaṁ śharaṇaṁ vraja
ahaṁ tvāṁ sarva-pāpebhyo mokṣhayiṣhyāmi mā śhuchaḥ
'Abandon all variety of religions and just surrender unto me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions, do not fear.'
Religion meant the duty one had to perform regarding his Psycho-physical propensity. The rites, the sacrifices, austerities, mantras to be chanted, and demi-gods to be worshipped were all based on one's natural caste, meaning their natural propensity. And those rites had to be performed with the only goal to please Sri-Vishnu or Krishna.
Mandodari had called it Daivi-Varnashrama Dharma. Basically, a divine caste system that treated everyone as an individual with certain needs and skills, and those skills and people who had them were trained to be perfect gentlemen and ladies (with whatever Karma they had.) in their service to God!
And yet...
Krishna was God, the source, benefactor and enjoyer of the caste system, the Father of the caste system... just told his best friend that all those religious principles (Including the Varnashrama) were superfluous; he just had to serve him without fear... and Plenty of love, if Mandodari's old paper scrap of a note was of any help.
She also noted that not everyone could just give everything up and surrender to Krishna, so it was better to maintain the Varna system to have a happy and peaceful society. But to even reach this one step, step zero (Ha!) was to spread Krishna's Holy Name, or the Hare-Krishna Maha-Mantra, to make the world.
She had also noted that as long as bad Karma remained, nothing would improve, and everything would be in a downward spiral of fear, anxiety, hatred... and material-fanaticism and cheating religion that gave no answer but generated enough money to maintain a micronation.
And on that same scrap of paper, Mandodari had also written that one automatically followed their divine nature once they'd given up everything and simply surrendered to Krishna. Still, not everyone could or had the desire to.
Srila-Prabhupada had added a very instructive purport about how religious principles and dharmic action should be used to nourish one's Krishna-Consciousness, and whatever else should be promptly dropped. And not to worry about anything, not even of one's sins, since Krishna would take care of everything.
All that could not be used for Krishna that is. And as Mandodari noted, the only thing that could not be offered to God or Bhagavan was envy and hatred. Otherwise, all was fair game.
Oh... and meat of any kind, of course.
And those who serve the Lord were so dear to him that Krishna would take care of all of His surrendered soul needs...
Zero turned his glance to the soundly sleeping Mandodari.
Did she surrender fully? From the sound of it, it was clear she had plenty of faith in God.
And she was glowing with joy...as they all were despite their heavy past.
Zero leaned back onto the couch; he navigated through the tablet until he found the sound files and with nothing better to do, listened to what the remarkable woman liked.
'Huh... She likes a mix of Video-game music and prayers. Interesting.' Zero took note; he would have to ask Mandodari how those two could be reconciled.
A mere two hours later, well before the sun was up. Mandodari began to stir.
'Huh...why so early? Is she having some nightmares?' It seemed to be the only reason the plump woman could rouse so early.
Then...she woke up and began to grasp around for something. Then she got up on her knees, removed her sleeping mask and earplugs and turned to Zero.
"Ah, Hare Krishna. Good morning Zero." She greeted him brightly as if waking up at three in the morning was something completely natural for her.
"Hare Krishna, Swamini Mandodari." Zero got up from the couch and bowed. "Did I disturb you? Or was it a nightmare?" he asked.
After his shameful episode, he had heard many Hare Krishna call Mandodari as such.
Mandodari made a face. "Not so early, Zero. And please, Just Mandodari will do; my title as Swamini doesn't mean much, to be honest," she admitted as she wrapped herself in another blanket. It was then that Zero realized that it must have been the cold.
Zero calculated the room size, realizing that heating it with his hardware would be impossible lest he embraced her as she slept.
'If the temperature drops below twenty...I don't see any heating units anywhere.'
"And no, I didn't have a nightmare, though, I did dream about X."
'oh?'
"and you, I was giving you, him, Omega and a few others their first initiation...oh, and you were pregnant."
Zero could not hide his surprise at that.
Mandodari rolled up her bedding. "It just means that you carry a heavy burden...oh, and my Guru was there!" she happily chirped. "He was the one performing the homa! It's a fire sacrifice."
"Oh...what do you sacrifice in it?" Zero asked as he hovered closer to the special woman...
He wanted to help her somehow but without a pair of arms...
"You sacrifice your false Ego and the desire to lord it over material nature," she explained. "The priest feeds the fire ghee and grain, we throw Samagri or a special blend of fragrant herbs, and at the end, we offer in sacrifice a banana...and ourselves, to God."
Zero stared at her.
"Zero, when you want something higher, you sacrifice something of lower value. I sacrificed my material life of useless sense gratification and anxiety and gained a meaningful life in which I serve God with everything I have; I have more friends than I thought I would ever have, I have a family that counts billions of members worldwide, I travelled more than anyone thought I would, I've met great saint, swept the tombs of those same saints and God's my...Well, Krishna has a special place in my heart." she admitted with an adorable blush.
Zero sat down; he had a feeling that Mandodari had plenty to say. And he... wanted to know more about her.
He just had to look at her meaningfully, as he had done with all the resistance members. They would start talking.
The saint looked at him askance. "Ah... yes, Zero? Do you need...ah, something?" She began to fidget, covering her body even more.
And while Zero was not that well versed in human behaviours, he was still well aware that no woman and no man like to be stared at the way he did...
And she was not a reploid... only reploid would talk when Zero would look at them for some time.
The reploid cleared his throat and let his eyes glance at the altar behind her, then back at Mandodari. "I would... Like to know a bit more about you." He said as his eye remained on the Picture of a man in blazing saffron looking at a bush full of roses. The bald yet, the effulgent man wore a pair of expansive sneakers, already worn to the treads.
"Oh, there's not much to say about me..."
Zero returned his incredulous gaze back at Mandodari, and it didn't take much for her to spill everything.
"I was born and raised a Christian...I think Catholic? The only thing I remember doing that was somewhat religious was going to church every Sunday, listening to the priest despite the fact that I couldn't understand a word he was saying, and dancing while the choir sang...I don't remember what the sermons were about, tough...but I can easily guess that it was about how we should be good people and what not...our goal used to get to heaven and enjoy there...but we had no description of god or heaven...and everything was so black and white." she reminisced. "When mom and dad divorced...I was like...thirteen at the time, we stopped going to church...and I never was into praying before bed.
Oh, and I was diagnosed with Asperger and given drugs to 'improve my school performance.'" She rolled her eyes. "Made me worse, and no one bothered teaching me how to be normal, I had to go through specialized school and be plonked with six more kids and treated as a mildly interesting number that was weird and easily bulliable... ended ditching... ah, High School I guess and 'finishing' my fourth grade in the adult school. But anyway, I'm going ahead of myself." she rubbed the back of her head.
"Basically...I think I became an atheist or at least agnostic, after the divorce, and even by then, I had lost faith in the bible and the church. Being an awkward teenager who didn't mature properly, I wanted to try the adult thing and being religious would stop me... I wanted to enjoy my senses without feeling guilty, you know? Take the forbidden fruit without shame, sinning without fear?"
"Yes..." Zero...knew that feeling.
"and then...I once had this scary realization that all that we humans do is basically waste our time until death comes. Our life is ultimately meaningless and whatever we do is basically useless...it was at the time were I was exploring the more carnal 'pleasure' my city would give and, I have to admit, I was so stupid by then...and I kept trying because sex is the ultimate source of pleasure, right?"
"Right?"
"Wrong! so...so wrong...anyway, wait...what was the subject I was on again?" She asked.
Zero closed his eyes and managed to remember the start of the conversation. "You were telling me about your dream..." Zero revealed, a bit bummed out, that Mandodari had stopped her autobiography.
Zero had never spoken like this to a human before. And unlike most examples, Mandodari seemed... more interesting than most.
But then, Considering that Zero wouldn't mind hearing her read the big phone book, he was assuredly biased.
"Right...did you dream last night?" She asked, once again jumping subject.
"I didn't dream." He didn't go into sleep mode; no need...
no use if one's night is filled with terrible nightmares.
"Mandodari?" Uttara asked as she emerged from the bedroom door, her body covered with a petticoat that was tucked under the red eyes in the middle of her chest.. "are you going to take your shower?"
"yeah...Kinda got caught up in a conversation with Zero-Prabhu. Imma go shower now..." With that, Mandodari got up, grabbed a bag from her suitcase and went to the bathing area.
Zero almost began following her but stopped, knowing he had no reason to go in the bathroom.
He was a reploid...he didn't need any of those facilities.
"Anan-"
"It's Zero." The red failure reminded the crazy bird.
"Zero...how did you sleep?" Uttara asked as she approached the reploid. Her movement is bird-like and awkward in such a small dwelling place.
"I didn't," Zero informed her...not sure how to act with her.
Zero had gauged her height to be surpassing seven feet...she was seven and four inches.
He...was aware that, without his boots, he was closer to five foot three. Meaning she was looming over him.
And yet...her presence reminded the war machine of Sigma...before the poison Zero had unknowingly injected in his commander twisted his mind...or...
No...there had been no Virus, Sigma, and all of those who were labelled maverick had turned on their own free will, tired of being treated like mere machines.
Still, the time in Doctor Cain's house...as far as it was for Zero...and faded by centuries worth of wars with one he had considered his elder brother...then a fair and just leader.
Someone to spar with...to share an E-thank with...a friend...family...
"You ruin everything, zero...this family, this land will fall...it will be ruined," X whispered to Zero's ears.
Suddenly, he felt Uttara's arms wrapping around his much smaller frame. His head was situated just under her breast and the eye.
Without a pair of arms to assist him, Zero didn't dare to break out of her grasp, since it would only prompt her to pick his sorry ass from the ground.
"Shhh...It's alright my son. It's all over now." she cooed. "I know it's not easy...but Zero, this is the start of your new life, God has given you a second chance."
For some reason, Zero felt his frame shake, for some reason, those words caused his tightly controlled emotions to be set aflame...
Maybe it was because he felt so safe with those women, or maybe he was barely holding on... and he was falling apart because his entire world, his entire reality had been destroyed...
"But X...everyone" he sobbed, his voice tight...
he had been given a second chance...he knew. But...
Why not X? Why not Ciel, Alouette, Iris, ...
Uttara held him as he shamefully sobbed.
Eventually, Yashoda and Ishani woke up too, and after seeing Zero's state, promptly went to bathe right after Mandodari.
The moment the saintly human version of X came out, Zero felt as if the entire room had brightened up considerably. He still felt miserable but...just for a moment, X was with him...or someone who looked like X but wasn't.
'No...Mandodari's not my X...she's her own person. A very interesting human. someone… special' A human Zero wouldn't mind serving.
No, there was no conceivable reason save the fact that she reminded the broken reploid of his departed Partner, appearance-wise, that is.
The saintly woman took a single look at Zero, and she gained a look of deep concern. Then it morphed into that of a concerned commander.
"Zero...you and I, our Japa, the road, I'll be waiting." At those words, Uttara led the red failure to the washroom and bathed him.
The ex-hunter had tried to protest. He was not on the verge of death, and he knew full well how to use a shower.
Uttara let him be until Zero realized one key problem...
he lacked arms...
and while he could use his feet, he was still woefully wobbly.
And thus, swallowing whatever pride he had left, Zero had ruefully asked Uttara to help him out...since apparently, not taking a morning shower was not an option.
Thankfully, the Hell-Raven had been quick and efficient. Not wasting time nor energy as she made sure her...Zero was sparkly clean...
In the end, Zero did feel better. Like a weight had lifted from his heart. After that, Uttara had brushed and tied his hair as a low ponytail, and she had even given the red failure her ribbon.
It was green, his favourite colour.
X...had once given Zero a ribbon after the old one had fallen apart.
Zero shook this tender memory off...no; He didn't want to remember those tender times. Those were useless and gone...nothing could bring them back. And he knew staying in the past was not a viable option either.
He had to move on.
As painful as it was.
After that, Uttara left Zero to Yashoda's tender care. The...Lunarian had already taken her shower at the public water spout.
Jesus and the regal queen didn't mind washing their bodies in cold water...and in public.
'The place must be safer than what I remember.' Even in the so-called hermitage, India had a grisly reputation when it came to the care of women.
Good to know it was not reality anymore...just like all those useless wars and his old friends.
Yashoda had dressed him in a dhoti, a long cotton shirt, and hid his handicap with a red, woollen blanket.
Wool
meaning...sheep were still around.
He could see his dear X, holding the piece of fabric in his unbroken hands, running his thumbs over it as he grinned like a loon. The atrocity of wars out of sight and out of mind.
"Oh wow! Zero, have you seen this? That's actual sheep wool...ah, it's a bit rough...soft. Hmm...I wonder if those dyes are...Say Zee, do you think those are natural plant bases?" His life's best and only friend asked with a smile on his unmarred face.
He looked so happy, so carefree...
When had this been the last time he had seen X this happy?
He could not remember.
Then, the vision morphed... X looked like a phantom, his smile a crack in a porcelain face.
'Such A shame I can't be here to see it, thanks to you.'
And Zero has gone back to being alone with someone from another planet, a demi-goddess...
Yashoda was kneeling, holding the blond and gold reploid by the shoulder. Their eyes met...
She knew what he was going through.
It was five-thirty in the morning. And most who were not in the military would be sleeping or just waking up by now. But not the Hare Krishna, it seems. Mandodari was wearing a blue dress, as she had said, she only packed blue for the trip, for it was the only colour she had at the moment.
Not that Zero cared...much.
They had exited the room and walked onto the very early dawn.
The roads were filled with pilgrims of all ages and ethnicity. Some would chant on their beads; friends would shoot the wind while others would talk about philosophy, God and his pastime of stealing butter.
There was singing, a chariot with a few speakers and some men wearing oranges embracing and hugging...and rolling in every patch of soft dust as possible.
Mandodari had her hand in her old Japa bag while Zero had the improved tablet in a bag around his neck; a few strands of nanite were connecting him to the device.
It was Zero's counter.
Mandodari had walked at a decent pace for a rotund human, and after two hours of walking meditation...a way for her not to fall asleep on the Holy name, Zero had to admit that he felt better.
Mandodari had also taught him another Mantra, the most important she had told him. And it went as such.
Jai Sri-Krishna-Chaitania, Prabhu Nitiananda,
Sri-Advaita, Gadadhara, Srivasadi Gaura Bhakti-Vrinda.
This Mantra had to be chanted before every set of hundred-eight recitations.
And thus Zero did...making this a mission.
He also made walking with Mandodari a mission. He was to protect her and serve her. And to chant also...since it also made her happy.
To be honest, it gave Zero something to do other than crying over his deceased partner and everybody else. It gave him strength and...
Maybe, just maybe...he could propitiate God again for the salvation of all he cared about.
X...and those he loved.
What did he have to lose anyway?
Mandodari walked in silence, her old, beat-up scandals barely holding on, her feet dusty and muddy from the road's poor condition. Zero knew he should meditate on the sound Vibration, but he just couldn't get his mind away from the plump woman's feet.
They were rather big...not terribly so, but it was clear she would wear around nine to nine and a half. And it was clear her ankles needed better support then whatever her flimsy trekkers could provide.
Yes...she definitely needed some new shoes...the best on-
Zero blinked as he tried to compute what was going on in his CPU...
Mandodari was not X, he knew...and he made sure to tag her as a human so that his hardware would not suddenly identify the very human woman with his departed Kohai.
X...was not here. But even among the living, he didn't have the same...aura as Mandodari.
X had been of this world; even in a place where he didn't fit, he still seemed to belong to it.
Mandodari, on the other hand...was not of this world.
Oh, she was in the world alright. She would look at things in shops, eyeing exotic sweets and talking and bowing down to whatever humans would try and touch her feet. But...
Zero could see her...his hardware could detect her as human, but...it didn't feel right.
She was not a mere human...for even if his hardware could feel and detect her as human...it was only based on what he was seeing and hearing.
But her, Mandodari...he...not the hardware but he...
He could feel she was not of this world.
Just like Vrindavana...this woman of German descent, whose pilosity could rival that of a male, born and raised in north-America...in Canada. Seemed to fit in this holy land. She was one of those who lived there and were born and raised.
And he...Zero just knew that...that this amazing person had something vital to teach...to give.
He would serve her...he would serve Mandodari...
"Zero? Are you okay there?" Mandodari asked; she had picked up some sweets to eat on the way and was now sitting under a tree by the bank of a blackish river. She had called it the Yamuna, and the place they were at was Imli-Tala.
"Yes." he answers quickly.
The walk had been outstanding. Just moving his legs around and taking in the new sights and sounds had done wonders for his low mood.
But... as always, X haunted his thoughts.
"Are you sure?" She prodded, her expressive eyes forcing him to speak the truth.
The red failure sighed as he let himself plop down on the platform around the sacred Tamarind tree.
"No?"
"No." He admitted as he watched a pair of green parrots looking down on him.
It reminded him of Pieroquet... the young reploid that had called the resistance his home ever since he had been labelled a maverick...his only sin had been to steal for his mother.
Killing him...and seeing him die...that boy...
Was he a dream? Was he real?
Was the resistance real?
He sighed...knowing it would be better to just forget about his whole ordeal.
He was out...and this...Vrindavan, Uttara, Yashoda...the kind Omega and Karuna...all of this was real.
What he had lived through...was but a dream...a nightmare, really.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Mandodari asked. "Speaking lightens up the load in the heart. And pouring your heart out is not a sign of weakness Zero." she reminded the reploid in red.
Zero sighed...she was right.
He took his time to gather his wits...and then, when he felt confident he would not waste Swamini Mandodari's time, he opened up.
"It...everything happened so quickly...I'm used to it, but...there's no war, no conflict."
Mandodari scoffed... Right, there was war and conflict going on, but not in Vrindavan."So you have time to actually think about your current situation."
"Yes..."
"And you have no idea how to deal with grief over X and everyone...right?"
Zero sighed. "I...I saw him die so often...I saw everyone die so often...I killed them all so often." The reploid in red let the silence stretch as his previous actions and inaction came to haunt him.
Really, he didn't even deserve to live, let alone not suffer.
"Swamini...I don't know what to do about it...was it real?" Zero asked the saint, who was thoughtfully munching on some buttered banana bread.
She swallowed. "Well...Yeah. It was real...but now, this reality changed. And in the future, it will change again." she explained. "The material world we live in, the lives we're living's basically a dream Zero."
Zero closed his eyes, focusing on Mandodari's voice.
"And in this dream, we experience 'birth' and 'death.' We start with a bunch of strangers we grow close to despite everything, and it ends with us losing everything again and starting over in another dream... bhakti aims at waking us up to this dream in which we think we are the body... and that We've forgotten Krishna and that we don't need Him.
"We've hedged God out. And because of that, we are suffering a misery previously unknown to us."
"Forgetfulness of our eternal identity and of our eternal best friend, that the worst thing ever... and because of that, were always anxious.
"We think the world we live in is reality...but what does reality mean? Your reality and my reality...and the reality of these trees and fishes and turtles are all different from one another. And the world we live in...everything is transient...it's here one moment, and gone the next...but since everything is always changing...can it be considered reality?"
She paused, and Zero realized that the plump woman had asked him what was probably the most philosophical question in existence. 'X would love her...' Unfortunately, the red reploid would never have the chance to witness his Kohai and Mandodari having deep debates about the nature of the soul, love, God...and reality.
"I don't know...can you define reality?" Zero shot back.
"Reality means something which is stable and unchanging. Our bodies experience change, the world around us is in constant flux, things begin and constantly end...meaning the world we live in at the moment, and the bodies we inhabit are ultimately illusions."
"because it doesn't last." Zero was acutely aware of that.
"That's right, nothing lasts here...except for us, The eternal spirit souls, microscopic parts and parcels of God."
Zero turned to face the Vaishnavi. Just listening to her.
"Zero...we're not this body or this mind. We remain the same, looking at the events that happen around us through the lenses of the mind, intelligence and false Ego," she explained, her pre-breakfast forgotten in her dancing hands. " Because we think we are the body, we think we are a part of this world and that we will also disappear at the time of death...but that is a complete Hoopla, and YOLOs just a fraud."
"...y...yolo?"
"you only live once." She huffed with an exaggerated eye roll. "we're eternal spirit souls! Reincarnations are a thing, and we've been chewing the same chew for eternity! This world is basically like the Matrix, but until someone, a Krishna Bhakta, comes and wakes you up, you will be forced to go through pain, misery and a little bit of happiness...and plenty of death."
"ah..."
"So this world is a dream, Sri Karanadokasayi-Vishnu's dream, the Literal, real-life Matrix, if you will...and what we Spiritualists desperately try to give to people is the red pill that will wake them up...but most don't want to wake up to the supremely blissful, eternal reality that is the spiritual realm." she turned to Zero with a bright smile that made her eyes squint and showed her crooked teeth.
'She's so cute...she looks like a child.' she moved like one, spoke like one, had the taste of one...
And yet, she was forty-eight.
"We're in the spiritual world right now." she kept going, babbling on streams of sweet words. "Vrindavan, the district of Mathura..." then she stopped. "AH, sorry, I was supposed to let you talk, didn't I?" She sheepishly asked as her rosy cheeks turned a bright crimson.
Zero pressed his lips together...right.. he had to talk, he couldn't listen to the Swamini...
He sighed as he returned his attention to the two parrots.
Actually, those birds reminded him of Sage Harpuia...the most lawful idiot he'd known.
If only she would've let Zero expire in the desert, something he would never do unless dead, X...would...he would still be in Yggdrasill...safe... For some time, at least.
'But...would he be happy? Was X...really alive?' He never had the time to think much about that fact...was X the cyber-elf a projection? Or was he...was he already dead?
Or...was it even real?
And yet... X would react when killed.
It was so confusing, and no matter what Zero could do...
Well, it was in the past, and Zero was past the point of bargaining.
"You're thinking about X...you miss him."
"I do." No use denying it.
"Can I...Can I ask a private question? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to..."
"Shoot."
"What's your relationship with X exactly? Like...I know you guys both care enough to...well, you are ready to die for X repeatedly, but what's the nature of this love? Like...are you like in a Bromance or..." Mandodari asked carefully; it was clear she had some bad experiences with people's negative reactions.
Zero closed his eyes... he was well known and knew it would come up eventually.
"It's...was up to him." he forced himself to say. "X...the wars were always hard on him, and... I was his only constant companion..."
"I see."
"I...he and I went through many cycles together...it would always start...my loops would always start in the lift as I was heading to Sigma's office...I was to...to train him..."
"Hmm-mm"
"At first...I just saw him as trouble...he was extremely powerful but...he was an intellectual and I...a brute."
"It's alright...we all have our nature, Zero..." Mandodari forced herself not to say more.
"His mind...Swamini. His mind never stopped; it was always calculating risks and...and moral choices. He was careful...so careful of every decision he would take..." Zero spoke fondly...sure, at first, X's overthinking had driven the impulsive war machine up the wall and across the hallway. But now...he could definitely appreciate how thoughtful and careful X had been...
If Only Zero had learned from him...his Kohai...
"I...He's my Kohai, but...He's more...He was more." He hated how his voice chip was glitching. "I...He's my everything..."
"and."
"And...I was to...destroy him." Zero vented...not many people knew of it. Only X and Mandodari. "But...to destroy him meant that...I would not be able to live; I would ...I would find a way to...I would..."
"Suicide."
At the single word, Zero painfully closed his eyes. "I... can't willingly harm myself."
"I see. But you would still die...you're like a loyal bird, you can't live without you mate."
"No...I can't." Zero admitted. "I...I grew to...to love him." He finally admitted...his whole frame shaking again at this single, most potent word. "I went beyond what my creator wanted... and I... I love him... I still love him..."
He loved X...and his attachment was beyond his codding now; it was a fact. He loved his Kohai...
And he was gone...nothing could bring him back. But no matter how hard he tried, even after hearing about detachment through wisdom and how the only true love was Krishna... Zero could not move on.
"You must be suffering so much right now...I can't even begin to understand your pain." Mandodari whispered as she gave Zero's knee an emphatic squeeze. And with how her child-like voice trembled and the tears welling in her eyes, it was clear she was sharing the reploid's pain. "But X... He's not his body, right now, we may not know where this soul is right now... maybe... anyway," she trailed off, aborting what she was about to say. "Right now, it's the most auspicious month of Kartika, Radharani's month. If you please her, I'm sure she will arrange for your dearest X to... get better and out of trouble.
After that, Zero remained quiet...and no words came from him till the end of the day.