AN: Happy holidays everyone! Work's been absolutely crazy lately, and January looks to be the same, but I've got some time off over the holidays for writing and managed to finish this. It's tricky, this in between bit when you haven't seen someone for a long time, but I think we're getting there. At least they've started doing their own thing again, going against my plans, which I consider a good sign.

Hermione spends most of New Year's Eve exploring Konoha with Kakashi strolling by her side. It's impossible to believe the city was not just levelled with the ground, but a literal crater less than two years ago. Sure, the city's a little rough-hewn, but she doesn't get the feeling it was ever the posh and polished kind. The streets are mostly hardpacked dirt, the stones that withered down to it the same warm colour as the mountainside framing the village. Seen from the right angles the two mix together, the village smoothly transitioning into the nature around it.

Earth jutsus, Kakashi explains when she mentions it, drawing bedrock up and grinding it. Hermione would think it'd turn impractical in rain season, but then again, surfaces that allows water infiltration would be useful if they can be kept from getting muddy.

What gets her though, is not the roads, nor the unusual house design or the timeless feeling; it's the greenery. Hidden in leaves indeed. "It's crazy," Hermione says, stopping briefly shaded by a large crown, resting her palm against rough bark and tilting her head back. "I mean I know about the guy with the wood, but I still can't believe this tree is a year old." It looks closer to a hundred.

"Maa," Kakashi says, "Mokuton has it's uses. I'm sure Tenzō can be tricked into demonstrating some of them once he's back." When Hermione looks down from the greenery Kakashi full-out smirks at her. "Although," he says, "if you keep calling him 'the guy with the wood' I think the demonstration will be of battle applications rather than advanced gardening."

Hermione blinks, confused for a moment. What… oh. Oh. "That not…" she sputters, feeling her face heat up "I…"

Kakashi laughs, carefree and easy, and whatever weirdness lay between them yesterday is clearly gone. "Come on," he says, slinging an arm over her shoulders and steering her down the street, "lets go look at some more wood." Driving an elbow hard into his side does absolutely no difference. Neither to his mood nor to his position at her side. "I think you'll get along splendidly with Genma," Kakashi tells her. "You both have your minds in the gutter and resort to violence at the slightest provocation."

For some reason, meeting Kakashi's friends sounds a lot less tempting all of a sudden.

.oOo.

If Hermione hadn't showed up, Kakashi thinks he might have slept through the whole holiday. Or not, since sleeping's been a bit tricky, but he definitely wouldn't have been traipsing around Konoha on New Year's Eve, nor visited the temple. In the end, he doesn't mind the trade-off; it's long since he had a day that good.

Seeing Hermione's reactions was entertaining; small everyday things that Kakashi's always taken for granted being questioned or tried out. Enough so to make it worth the pressing crowd of people around the temple at midnight and the eyes burning into the back of Kakashi's head. Given his position they must know he notices, especially since most of them are awkwardly obvious about it. Not that that ever stopped anyone from staring at, or whispering about, him before.

Hermione was wholly unprepared when the first toll of the bell reverberated through what air could reach down into the crowds, and it made her twitch in confusion and Kakashi smile. She'd made a scrunched up, sceptical face at her first ever Takoyaki before deciding it was good. She kept pointing out things Kakashi has stopped seeing or never noticed in the first place. Before the lines wore even her bubbly excitement down, that was, and she started yawning more than she asked questions.

The first morning of not only the new year, but a whole new decade, should probably leave Kakashi with a sense of hope and promise. It mostly leaves him feeling tired and tense. Rolling out of bed, he grabs a fresh set of clothes and heads for the shower. Hermione's still sleeping, but he's reached the point of the morning where he either gets up straight away or never. Keeping the momentum of the last months seems like the thing to do. The world won't stop for him.

Luckily, the water heater in the Hokage residence is sized for a large and comfortable household, and Kakashi runs the shower hot enough to sting his skin when he enters. He stays until it doesn't register as more than slightly warm, and his back is flushed. It eases the dull throb from his shoulders somewhat.

"Morning," Hermione greets as Kakashi walks into the kitchen. Her hair is all over the place, a worn sweater thrown over her pyjamas, and her fingers loosely framing a cup of tea. The look of her brings the sensation of a smile to Kakashi's chest, a small, warm pocket of comfort. "I'd have gotten started on breakfast, but you have no normal breakfast foods, so I didn't know what to do."

"Depends on your definition of normal," he tells her, folding his eyes into a visible smile, "if I never have to eat porridge or jam again, I'll count myself lucky."

"Bread?" Hermione asks. "Yoghurt? Eggs and bacon?" She rises when Kakashi pulls out rice, and takes the bag from his hands.

"Or food?" Kakashi counters, taking out eggs to fry and instant miso. Eggs are good, but he wants some kind of carbohydrates with his protein, not more proteins swimming in their own fat. The worst part with living abroad for nine months was definitely the lack of breakfast. Which means he should bring Hermione by a convenience store so she can pick out what she wants for tomorrow. No need to spread the misery.

"I just don't get waking earlier than necessary before work to cook rice and stuff." Hermione turns the rice on, and despite not being in her line of sight Kakashi shrugs.

"There's these things called timers," he says, carefully keeping his smile out of his voice, "that allows you to set it up the night before to be done at a certain time." Hermione makes a rude gesture that he pretends to not see.

The topic doesn't last for much longer, and as Kakashi cracks the eggs down into the pan, Hermione is sitting at the table again, staring into space. "You slept any better tonight?" she asks as Kakashi scoops up rice, voice thoughtful but carrying easily over the sizzle from the pan.

And here Kakashi thought he was doing alright.

Delaying the answer won't do him much good, but Kakashi still does it. Turns off the stove and lifts the eggs to rest on the rice. Brings the bowls and chopsticks to the table. Goes back for the miso. Pulls out his own chair and sits down. Hermione's eyes don't leave him for the entire time. "I don't know," he ends up saying. Because he really doesn't. He didn't think she'd pick up on it this quickly, has made himself lie still with his eyes closed as she's fallen asleep.

"Are your shoulders bothering you?" Hermione says, pouring soy onto her egg. She's letting him off easy. It didn't use to be like that.

Not that he's very sure about how it used to be. Or how it's supposed to be. Or how she knows about his shoulders. Then he realizes he's sitting with an elbow rested against the tabletop, hand on his shoulder absentmindedly pressing into a knot. Humming in agreement Kakashi lower his hand and grabs his book. "Who would have guessed deskwork is worse for the body than active service?" he says, shrugging. "And here I used to think the administrative forces were the ones not good enough to make it in the field."

Hermione laughs, Kakashi smiles with her, the topic moves away from Kakashi. The weight lifts.

They're meant to head out to one of the training grounds, giving Hermione a chance to see some actual jutsus. Kakashi's looking forward to her face as he splits the ground wide open, lets lightning crackle in the air, allows beasts of water to rise from a calm lake. Despite her theoretical knowledge there's still awe in Hermione's eyes as she watches someone run across the rooftops. Until the attack on the beach, Kakashi knows she doubted his abilities to take on a group of Death Eaters. She's got a lot to learn about shinobi, and is likely to look hilarious more than once on the way.

Only, as Kakashi exits the bathroom ready to go, Hermione is still in her pyjamas on the couch. "Come on," she says, patting the floor in front of her.

It's not something Kakashi considers standing up. Not with the way he's beginning to notice the constant pull on his neck; the way his shoulders go up and forward as he tries to relax, not down and back. He wonders how long that's been an issue, because he doubts it started yesterday. Maybe it's not so strange then, that he keeps waking up in the night. That his breathing doesn't sit right in his chest. That his skin feels numb and overly sensitive at the same time.

The flak jacket and long sleeve both goes on the armrest of the couch, leaving Kakashi in his tank top. Even if it hadn't been attached to his mask it would have stayed on, the fabric thin enough that it doesn't matter much. It's better that way, Hermione has an easier way working around the hems and creasing fabric than she has circumventing her own mind. Kakashi judging her for that would be both hypocritical and unconstructive, so since he figured the problem out, he's adapted.

"I see you're working on growing new bones," Hermione says, her fingers mapping out Kakashi's shoulders and the tension that lies there.

"There was actually a clan with a bloodline for that," Kakashi tells her, forcing his body to relax as she finds a particularly tender spot. Anbu might have trained him for torture, but he'd rather not get into that mindset here. "They could grow spikes and weapons, shoot bullets made of bone, that sort of thing."

"Did you ever meet any of them?" Hermione asks.

Kakashi shakes his head. "There's very few who did and lived to tell anyone about it."

Goosebumps spreads across Kakashi's skin, but he holds back on the shiver. Hisses instead of groans as the heel of Hermione's palms presses against locked muscles and knots substantial enough to send spikes of pain down his spine and out his arm with the indirect pressure. He didn't know it was this bad. That the knots, once Hermione has loosened the muscles enough to seek them out, are enough to make him nauseous.

Before long, Kakashi can feel the more superficial ones shift under his skin. Hears the stutter in his own breath as they release. Endorphins rush through Kakashi when a deeper knot gives, and he draws air in dry sobs. Loses it in joyless laughter. Has so many emotions running through him apart from the pain that his head spins with them. Is this where he put it all then? Knotted into the fibres of his being, like an explosive tag to be triggered when he least expects it.

It's been 36 hours and she's taken one look at him and seen everything no one else is able to. All the aching, painful sores that tangle up his lungs in anxiety. 36 hours, and Kakashi literally breaks into pieces under her carefully prodding hands. Or, maybe her touch is all that holds him together, he doesn't even know anymore.

He shouldn't be this messed up. There's no room for him to be. Not here. Not now.

Gai's words keep echoing. "You're the epitome of hip and cool," he says, and it feels like Kakashi is right there again, a few weeks back in time and about to bite down on his tongue hard enough to taste blood. "You can make it through anything. Nothing can bring you down for long."

It had felt like a bucket of ice-cold water was thrown unexpectedly at Kakashi. Only not at all. Because he's spent years carefully cultivating that picture, hasn't he? To everyone around, himself included, so it shouldn't be unexpected at all. He'd thought though, that if anyone in Konoha should know the error of that statement, it's Gai, and he clearly doesn't, and Kakashi can't, he just can't – but he couldn't refute it either. Folded his eyes into a smile before changing the subject.

He missed her in that moment, more than he could handle. Wanted someone to take one look at him and get it. Someone who wouldn't tell him he's strong for being able to soldier on. Who doesn't expect him to Always Be Fine.

And now she's here, and Kakashi can't begin to know how to deal.

When Hermione tells him her fingers are tiring Kakashi would be grateful, if he didn't feel completely washed out. His mask's wet with tears, and he's not sure when that happened. Realizes it's still happening as he feels the tickle of another tear passing over his skin. If he wasn't already seated, he thinks the emotional rollercoaster alone would have brought him to his knees. As much as he might have needed that, Kakashi's still glad it's over.

"Thank you," he says, voice thick and painful around the lump in his throat.

Hermione's hands don't leave Kakashi's shoulder. Soothes over leftover aches and abused skin. Allowing his head to fall forward won't do any favours to Kakashi's neck, but he can't help it. The same way he can't help but lean into the touch. It brings with it the heavy, unidentified calm that he associates solely with her. Eases the pressure over his chest and changes the shape of the mass in his throat. Makes him close his eyes and let his world boil down to that point of contact.

The crying, when it starts, is as tired as Kakashi himself; fresh tears falling from his eyes, nose blocking up, and a hitch to his breath that never makes it to full sobs. Hermione's hands find the uncovered skin over Kakashi's deltoids, curls around his upper arms and this time he can't stop the shiver. Fresh goosebumps chase each other down Kakashi's arms, and he thinks Hermione will spook, will read more into it than he feels. Given the way the way her touch follows his skin back to his shoulders – sneaks under the fabric of his tank top and comes to rest with fingertips against his collarbones and thumbs stroking the base of his neck – she's not.

Sure, Hermione's touched the bare skin of Kakashi's back before. He used to take his shirt off altogether for massages, before it became clear it was an issue. This, however, is different. Not utilitarian but soft. Intimate. Hermione's hands are warm, close to sticky from sweat, and the skin under her moving thumbs is hypersensitive enough that it almost hurts. Kakashi not sure what he's meant to feel. If he should want something else, should cry more, should stop crying altogether, but he doesn't. None of those things. He hasn't been afraid of Hermione for quite some time, trusts her to not hurt him. Trusts that this doesn't mean anything but comfort, that there's no hidden agenda, only a reminder she's right here. It thugs at a part of Kakashi that rests deep in his very core.

.oOo.

Hermione hadn't exactly planned to do that. It's just, in the moment she sort of forgot she wasn't meant to. Kakashi had shivered, his skin soft even with the goosebumps, and she probably wasn't meant to stray to his upper arms to start with, but he really needed to relax and she just… Well.

So, she hadn't exactly planned it, and she's sure she crossed some kind of line because honestly; hands under clothes is a whole other matter than hand on clothes, or on exposed skin for that matter. It doesn't feel like crossing a line, however. It mostly feels soft and warm. With a touch of anxiety tainting its edges since, by the looks of it, Kakashi's well past his breaking point.

"Talk to me," she says, voice hardy more than a whisper. It sounds more like begging than she'd intended but she's in the dark here, in a foreign country she doesn't understand, her only connection to this place falling into pieces, and she thinks that's a decent excuse.

There's a short silence, a hesitation, and Hermione worries their time apart has created more of a distance than she can bridge this easily. "I just don't…" Kakashi swallows, brings the heels of his hands up to press against his eyes. "I'm not…" he shakes his head as his voice cracks. "I can't do this; I don't know how to be what they need. I don't even know how to be me, and I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired."

The first and last part doesn't surprise Hermione one bit. He never wanted to be Hokage, she knows he doubts his suitability, and of course he's tired. Burn-out doesn't simply stop. It needs time, and a lot of accommodations made while you take baby steps to get back to your life. If Hermione knows Kakashi right, he hasn't given himself the room for that. Nor made sure that the life he's going back to is sustainable, even for a healthy person.

The middle part, the one where he said he doesn't know who he is, is more disconcerting. Sort of. It's also something Hermione knows how it feels; that weird place in between stages of your life. Like trying to figure out which world is yours, when neither the normal nor the magical one feels like it fits anymore. That's a discussion for another time, however, given the way Kakashi's voice faded over his last words. "So, sleep," Hermione tells him. "Or at least lay down and rest if you can't sleep."

She thinks he's about to protest, and makes sure to cut in before he can. "Honestly," she says. "I get that things are complicated in a lot of ways, but maybe that can come later."

Crossing his arms in front of him, Kakashi places his hands over Hermione's, stopping her thumbs from moving. At first, she worries he wants to get rid of the contact, that she's overstepped, but his hands remain, keeping hers in place. His skin must be getting oversensitive, making Hermione feel a little stupid and a lot grateful that he stopped her. She doesn't know how to feel about the fact that he clearly appreciates the contact, nor the realization that she'd have a hard time keeping her fingers still without him holding them down. She wants to touch, to follow the line of his shoulder and the curve of his collarbone. Not for anything but that. Not with any ulterior motive. It still scares her.

Under her hands, Kakashi's shoulders moves as he draws a breath, slow and deep. "Okay," he says, and Hermione has to go back and remind herself what he's answering to. Yes, sleeping; that's what she suggested. "I'm sorry," Kakashi continues, a few seconds later, his fingers twitching against Hermione's. She can feel her eyebrows twitch in confusion.

"What for?"

He shrugs. His voice, as he speaks, is muffled by his arms, tired and flat. "Being a mess," he says. "Disrupting today's plans." Hermione can't help a small smile and a shake of her head, no matter that he can't see them.

"Are you kidding?" she uses her grip on his shoulder to shake him lightly. "I've been travelling for a fortnight, of which I've spent ten days translating for my parents. Going back to bed sounds like an amazing idea." Not to mention she wants him close. Has missed him, and the last two nights haven't been enough to fill that void. He's been tense and careful, though she hasn't known of what or why, and it hasn't been a problem exactly, but it's been there. Existing in the space between them. Enough to make a small voice in the back of her mind whisper that something's wrong. To have her wonder if it's something she did. She knows now it wasn't, and he's loose and tired and Hermione wouldn't mind drawing him close. "This is all a really elaborate plan to get my wish without admitting any weakness out loud, you know," she tells him, keeping her tone light. "So, it's nice of you to play along."

"I live to serve," Kakashi answers. His voice is joking as well, following her lead, but the words sits wrong with Hermione either way. Puts a sharp taste in her mouth.

"Yeah," she says, "we'll see about that." Pulling her hands loose, Hermione allows them to follow the shape of Kakashi's shoulders and arms. His skin is cool, and she can feel the ink of his tattoo raised against the surface. Reaching his elbows, she breaks the contact. "Now, come on." She taps his arms, urging him to stand, and he follows her lead.

Hermione's unsure of who takes the initiative for the hug. Both of them maybe. Kakashi feels shaky, not as in that he trembles, but like a strong gust of wind could push him off his feet. It reminds Hermione of the airport, of saying goodbye. It sends a spike of panic through her system, because she has no idea how to deal with this. Not here. Not when she herself isn't in the best shape of her life. She will though, they will, and it'll work out. Kakashi will sleep for a few days, they will make a plan, and things will seem more hopeful. That's how it has to be.