AN: Hello depression my old friend…

This whole new wave of Covid with stricter distancing and stuff is currently a bit of a challenge for me. I just feel like I've lost all sense of direction, both in life and in writing this. I feel really lucky to have my work (done from home), which is the perfect level of demanding and distracting, and my boyfriend. Between them I stay sane, but understandably writing has suffered. Unfortunately, since writing actually makes me feel a lot better, but that's the paradox of depression.

So, that lost sense of direction made it really hard to write parts of this. I have ideas for scenes in the future I hope I can get to happen, but I'm currently having difficulties tying it all together and finding my way through this new dynamic of them not having seen each other in a while (plus new people). I hope this will bridge some of that gap and open up for writing a few of the scenes and conversations I think needs to happen. I just don't know.

On a whole other topic: I've been thinking about you guys for quite some time. I'm curious about you. Like, who the people behind the aliases are. I'm only active on here and AO3, is there any forums or such that you hang out on, where the conversations aren't necessarily centred around commenting works?

Naruto knows it's probably bad manners to go knocking on Kakashi-sensei's door uninvited, but he's never had anyone teach him manners. Sure, he's picked some of it up, mostly hand delivered by Sakura's fist, but no one expects him to adhere to them more than some of the time. He was young when he figured out he'd never be able to do things right enough, and should just stop trying altogether and be obviously different. At least that saved him from the humiliation of failing to get it.

They're only two days into the new year, and people are meant to spend the time with their families. Iruka's got a shift at the mission desk though, and Naruto's bored. Bored and curious, with a side order of sceptical. Because he's heard, of course about Kakashi's girlfriend. The one he met on his latest so-called mission, which he came home from different.

And sure, Naruto can see Kakashi's point of him maybe not doing great before he left, but he was clearly doing better. He had gone away, and something had happened there, and he'd come home with a listless darkness Naruto hasn't seen in him before. Talking, sometimes, about a friend. Who probably is this girl with a very strange name Naruto can't remember, and who definitely had something to do with it all. Naruto just needs to figure out exactly what. He cares about his friends, okay, and Kakashi's… in a weird place right now.

Not to mention Naruto could really go for a spar. He hopes Kakashi-sensei isn't the kind of person to go all boring when they meet someone. Like Kiba, who's been a total looser lately.

Bouncing on the balls of his feet, Naruto waits for someone to answer. Kakashi might not be in at all, and while it has crossed Naruto's mind that he could check with sage mode, he's discarded that idea. For now. Which is good, since that's when the door opens.

"Hi?" The woman who looks at Naruto smiles, but it's the polite, emotionless kind. He smiles right back, making sure it's big and bright.

"Hello," he says, "I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I'm here to see if Kakashi-sensei wanna spar."

There used to be a time when people's faces scrunched up hearing Naruto's name, right before they got rude, but he gets the opposite reaction now. The eyes in front of him softens, and the smile warms. "Nice to finally meet you Naruto," the stranger says. "I'm Granger Hermione."

"That's a really weird name," Naruto tells her. If she doesn't care about all the rules about being polite, surely he doesn't have to. And her name is weird. Hermione doesn't seem to take offence, however, but merely smiles.

"I know," she says. "I'm not from around here, it's okay if you don't remember it."

"I'll totally get it," Naruto can't help but tell her. A challenge is a challenge after all, and she is living with Kakashi-sensei so he better make an effort. "Herumione?" he tries, and she laughs. Not in a mean way.

"Hermione," she corrects him.

"Hermione?" Naruto tries, tongue stumbling over the weird sound in the middle. When she nods, he says it again, nodding as well. "Hermione. See, I told you I'd get it." He gives her a nice guy pose, and she laughs. Naruto thinks he might have been unfairly suspicious of her; she seems alright. "Great," Naruto says, "now where's Kakashi-sensei?"

The smile on Hermione's face turns a little crooked, not a lot, but enough to be noticed. "Um," she says, and Naruto's feels his eyes narrow before he smooths out his face. "He just stepped into the shower. If you wait here, I'll go see if he's done."

She's a horrible liar. It feels very unfair now, that Naruto had started to like her a few seconds ago; she's definitely up to something, and it definitely has to do with Kakashi-sensei. Telling her that he sees through her would be stupid, however, so Naruto smiles instead. "Absolutely," he says, adding a salute and a wide grin.

The door closes behind Hermione, and he gives her five seconds. Decides ten is better since Sakura says she's civilian and they can be rather slow. Then Naruto carefully opens the door and slips inside, catching Hermione's back disappearing around a corner. No way is he leaving Kakashi with her, not when she's so obviously fishy.

To take off his shoes in the genkan is an automatic reaction, leaving Naruto hoping he won't have to get away in a hurry. He still does it, because he's already sneaking into Kakashi-sensei's home uninvited, and doing so with shoes on feels like one step too far. There's unease curling in Naruto's stomach as he silently makes his way into the house, making Kurama shift restlessly. This can go wrong in many ways, Naruto knows, and Kakashi might kick his ass for it, but it's necessary. It is. Hermione's got something to do with Kakashi coming back sick, and now she's here, lying about where Kakashi is, and Naruto has to know. He has to.

Voices are coming from the living room, low and murmured. It's impossible to pick out the words, even standing next to the door, but one of them is Kakashi-sensei. He sounds… odd, in some way Naruto can't pinpoint. A careful peak around the edge of the doorframe shows Hermione squatting with her back to Naruto. Kakashi sits in front of her on a couch, elbows on knees and head hanging low enough that only hair can be seen. Hermione's fingers rests lightly against his wrists. A blanket is pooled by his hip.

The unease in Naruto twists and shifts shape.

"It's not a choice," Naruto hears Kakashi saying, his voice muted and tired.

"Yes, it is," Hermione answers, but Naruto has no baseline for her, can't begin to tell what's in her voice. It simultaneously makes him want to rush in and get between her and Kakashi, and turn around and leave. "You are making the choice to keep hurting yourself," Hermione continues. "Seriously, how long do you think this can go on?"

Naruto feels frozen. He isn't, he blinks and breathes just fine, but he can't move. Should – because he's suddenly very sure he's not meant to be here – but can't. Or doesn't dare to, when his body feels foreign and he's not certain he can withdraw silently enough. What is she saying, exactly?

"As long as it has to," Kakashi-sensei answers, unaware that Naruto isn't finished processing the last part of the conversation yet and as such only dimly registers the words.

"You know that's a lie. You ran yourself into the ground a long time ago, and then you kept on going. You've got to stop. Before you kill yourself, okay?"

Naruto's brain is stalling. Kill himself. Shit. What is she saying, exactly?

"What if I can't?"

Naruto misses the beginning of Hermione's answer before he manages to focus back on the conversation. "I'd have turned him away already," she's saying, and Naruto wonders who she's talking about, "but he wasn't looking like he'd take a no from me. I'll figure something out though."

Ah, the him in question is Naruto then. He should really get going. Kakashi's sick, apparently, more than he let on, and he might die, and here Naruto is, naively planning on dragging Kakashi to train with him. Only Kakashi said… and…

"Hey," Hermione's voice breaks through Naruto's spinning thoughts. She's not speaking to him, but for a split second it feels like it, and it drags his eyes back to the pair. "It'll…" she trails off as Kakashi's eyes slid right past her as he looks up.

The panic is enough to stir Kurama, who usually sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. Naruto can feel his questions somewhere in the back of his mind, but ignores him. He should run, definitely, but finds he can't. Not that it will change the fact that he's been caught.

Kakashi-sensei should be angry, but he doesn't look it. He mostly looks resigned, and sad.

For some reason that's far scarier.

"I guess you've been standing there awhile?" Kakashi says, voice flat, and Naruto can feel his face heat up.

Naruto makes an inarticulate sound, his heartbeat so high up in his throat he might choke on it. "Maybe?" he manages, then keeps going while he can. "I didn't mean to. She was weird, you know, and lying, and I had to make sure you were okay. Which, um…" Naruto scratches his cheek. "Anyways, I'm sorry."

"I bet you are." By the sound of it Kakashi-sensei knows Naruto is sorry in several different ways. Like, he's sorry he's spying, and he's sorry he was caught doing it, and that Kakashi is not okay, and that he has no idea what to do now.

Hermione is looking between them, and Kakashi bows his head down and presses his palms against his eyes. The way his chest expands with a drawn breath is familiarly long-suffering. Only Naruto isn't sure that the 'long' part applies. Not the 'suffering' part, actually. Reading anything but the top layer of Kakashi-sensei has always been close to impossible; him not acting like himself isn't helping with that. Something's going on here, Naruto just doesn't know what. He won't back down now though, not when Kakashi is acting all weird and Hermione sits far too close to him for someone Naruto doesn't trust.

"Did something happen?" Naruto asks, because it's a reasonable place to start. He sticks to the doorway, swallows down his nerves and meets Kakashi's eyes head on when the man looks up again.

"Not really." Kakashi shrugs, his voice still too flat, before his gaze shifts to Hermione.

"What then?" Naruto questions. It's a bit too blunt, and both louder and sharper than necessary, but Naruto never could keep his emotions from his voice. "Because she just said…" Naruto's tongue stops cooperating. "She said you…" He twists the words around in his head, finds he can't make his lips form the word 'killing', but that's not the only thing she mentioned. "That you're hurting yourself."

"That she did."

Staring Kakashi down isn't working, no more words follow. "Well," Naruto says, not even sure if he's challenging or begging for an answer, "are you?"

The way Kakashi turns away, showing Naruto nothing but his profile and Hermione the back of his head, sort of answers for him. As does the hand Hermione places on Kakashi's arm. "Probably," he says. The word feels like a void, like the mask covering Kakashi's face washed every emotion out of it. Like it sucks the energy right out of Naruto.

"How?" Naruto hears the question slip out, only to realize it's not even the right one. "Why?"

Hermione's thumb rubs against Kakashi's arm, and he turns back to the conversation. "I've got a job to do." He shrugs, as if that explains anything. Naruto's about to point this out when Kakashi looks at him, no doubt reading the question on his face. "It's complicated," Kakashi adds. Next to him, Hermione scoffs.

"It's really not," she says, her tone softer than her words. Kakashi deflates a full two centimetres and her focus turn solely to him. "I know you can't step down," she says, "I'm not asking you to, but you've got nothing to prove either, do you? We just need to figure out the least amount of work you can get away with."

There are holes the size of Suna in Naruto's understanding of the situation. Several of them. That doesn't stop him from reaching a decision. "I can help," he tells Kakashi (mostly; Hermione's still an unknown factor). "I mean I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm sure I can help. Definitely." He won't take no for an answer. He's not opting out of whatever this is and leaving Kakashi with Hermione. Not a chance.

The resistance Naruto expects doesn't come. "I think maybe you can," Hermione says instead. She probably has some kind of angle Naruto can't see, but at least she's not throwing him out. Kakashi sighs but doesn't protest. He should. If everything was right, he would.

Hermione and Kakashi look at each other. Hermione cocks her head and Kakashi's eyebrows twitch. Naruto wonders if they're as confused by the exchange as he is. "We haven't had lunch," Hermione says, "and it's getting late. I could go get take-away?"

"Couldn't hurt," Kakashi says. Which is weird, but far from the weirdest part of this day. "You want lunch, Naruto?"

What is he even meant to answer to that? How did they go from Kakashi hurting himself to this question with nothing in between? Naruto shrugs. "Sure," he ends up saying. He could eat, after all, and they're less likely to make him leave if they've bought him food.

A minute later, Naruto stands a step inside the living room door, shifting his weight from foot to foot, listening to Hermione leaving. On the couch, Kakashi has leaned back, arms crossed in front of him. As the front door closes, he raises an eyebrow at Naruto. If he wasn't so restless, Naruto'd take a seat on the couch opposite him. Although, come to think about it, sitting down might be a good idea. It might make him come off as less confrontational, or whatever.

None of them speaks for the longest of time. Naruto's leg itches and he can't stop bouncing it. "You are wasting your time," Kakashi says in the end. He's meant to be intimidating, in situations like this, but isn't. Neither is there a trace of his peculiar, dry humour. No lazy impassiveness. Not even a hint of sass. And it's all wrong.

Depression is emptiness, Kakashi told Naruto, not too long ago, and maybe that's what Naruto's seeing here: Weary listlessness. It scares him. Has his heart back in his throat again. Makes him run his tongue over the inside of his teeth to keep it from showing. Kakashi-sensei isn't supposed to be like this, he's supposed to be a steady one and Naruto doesn't know how to fix him.

"Wasting my time to what?" Naruto stalls. The question gets no answer beyond another raised eyebrow, and that's really all it deserves. Naruto might be a little slow on the uptake, but by now he's figured the earlier exchange out. He knows what he's supposed to do with this time, the problem is he doesn't know how.

Diving straight into it seems like a fair strategy at this point. "Who is she?" He plucks at the hem of his jacket. Doesn't quite dare to look Kakashi in the eyes.

"A very good friend." Naruto can't remember ever disliking the mask like he does in that moment. It hides everything but the most subtle things and Naruto was never any good at subtility.

"Sakura said she's your girlfriend," Naruto points out, and he thinks it ears him a reaction. A hint of a smile possibly, or a frown.

"What Sakura said hardly changes things," Kakashi says. Which is true, even is Sakura's usually good at these things.

There is a point to this conversation, however, and Naruto intends to make it. He's far out already that another ten kilometres or so won't matter, he's equally screwed either way. "What did she do?" he asks, knowing it's far too blunt but at least it'll get him where he wants.

"You're worried about Hermione." Kakashi's tone doesn't put a question mark at the end. "Hurting me." Naruto knows he's doing it to make it seem like he's the one in charge of the conversation, to draw out more information. That doesn't mean it's not working.

"She's been here, what, three days?" Naruto says. "And you're—" he waves his hand in Kakashi's direction. It's not like he can tell it like he sees it.

"You've got it backwards."

"Yeah? 'Cause it doesn't look that way to me." Naruto's getting frustrated, making him find his words easier. If they're the right ones remain to see, but at least this time there's a reaction. Kakashi leans forward, elbows on knees again, hands clasped in front of him. His eyes sharpen, and the set of his jaw is visible through the mask.

For a few second, Kakashi does nothing but stare, and Naruto worries he made him angry. Then he sighs, so maybe not. When Kakashi finally speaks, his voice is more alive than it's been since he noticed Naruto. "You're thinking I was fine when I left, a year ago, and that I'd changed coming home?" This time he does bother making it into a question, completed with a tilt of his head. Naruto opens his mouth to answer, only to find nothing coming out. He closes it again. "For the worse, by the sound of it. And now you're seeing that she's showed up, and I'm falling into pieces, but did you ever stop to consider why? Or did you simply go with the easiest explanation?"

It's warm in here, Naruto thinks, and he's sure his face is beet red. He should answer, but his mind is stuck on the way Kakashi said 'for the worse' and he has a bit of trouble focusing beyond that. "I…" Naruto starts, then finds no continuation. It's not really for the worse, is it? Sure, it's scary, and it's making things Naruto thought he knew about the world untrue, but also…

This is also the Kakashi who stayed, solid and safe at Naruto's side even in the middle of the storm. Who offered to be there next time. That's not something Naruto would ever have thought would happen. Not before.

Kakashi looks away when Naruto fails to say anything more. "A week ago," Kakashi says, voice soft, distant, yet not at all in the flat way of before, "who would have picked me up?" For a second, Kakashi's eyes meet Naruto's before looking away again. "I'm not saying you wouldn't have tried, but…" he finishes the sentence with a shrug.

Naruto might not be the most intelligent or perceptive person around; he came to terms with that a long time ago. (A shorter time ago he learnt that he can more than make up for it in other areas, that he can contribute in other ways that are equally important; that he's not a complete failure.) Not being very smart, however, doesn't mean that he's completely stupid. He just takes a little longer to piece things together sometimes.

"But I'd have no idea what to do," he tells Kakashi. That's the way it is after all. He's uncomfortable even with this. It must show. And if Kakashi implies that no one else would have done a better job, Naruto believes him. Kakashi hadn't been uncomfortable when he sat with Naruto on the floor that day. Hasn't tiptoed around Naruto since, either.

"You might have figured it out," Kakashi says, "but it's not a position I wanted for either of us." He runs a hand through his hair. "Hermione…"

"She knows," Naruto cuts him off. Because he gets it now. Kakashi has learnt from somewhere, and it must have been from her. What Naruto couldn't interpret in their interaction before is easier to spot in hindsight and with what he knows now. Hermione's lack of hesitation, her composure, the way she touched Kakashi. His response.

"I owe her," Kakashi says. "A lot."

The words make Naruto wonder. Maybe he owes Hermione as well; maybe most of Konoha does. Kakashi's not saying he wouldn't be here without her, but Naruto does know how to look underneath the underneath. Sometimes. He's not ashamed to have mistrusted Hermione, he's not saying he's prepared to lay his life in her hands just yet, but he should give her a chance. Kakashi's never led Naruto astray before after all.

.oOo.

Yesterday's leftovers sat in the fridge, ready to become a decent lunch, when Hermione offered to go out and get take-away. She knew they were there, Kakashi knew they were there, but Naruto didn't, and given the way he'd almost exclusively talked to Kakashi since they found him, it wasn't hard to piece his mistrust together. Hermione should probably be angry at both that and the trespassing, but she can't find the energy. So, instead she'd offered Kakashi the possibility to talk alone with Naruto, and then excused herself.

She regrets now she never asked what either of them wants.

Stepping into the closest open place she can find, she scans the menu, trying to figure out what's available. She understands the language, sure, but that doesn't mean she knows what any of these things taste like. A teenager is behind the counter, and Hermione lets her help pick three dishes that aren't too spicy. She'll eat whatever the others don't, it can taste however it wants to.

The whole outing doesn't take more than fifteen, maybe twenty, minutes, but Hermione decides that'll have to be enough. She's hungry, and a bit worried about the whole affair, and very tired. She's not sure where she's going to find the energy for any of this, only that she must. She must, because Kakashi's way, way worse off than she is, and there's no one else who can help. If she can get them through this part, get things back on track again without losing her own foothold, it'll be fine. Maybe.

That is, if this is only tiredness; a temporary setback of the burnout that can be rested away. Because if it isn't? If this runs deeper and is more complicated, twisted together with everything else she knows about Kakashi's life? Then Hermione has no idea what to do. For all that mental illness doesn't scare her; for all that she knows how it can feel and some of the things someone might need; for all that she can be a support; she's not a professional. She hasn't had any training. Can't counsel or guide. Has no idea how to diagnose, or where to go from there. The only thing she has is her personal opinions, and if (or when) this turns out to be complicated, that won't be enough.

If she thinks too much about that, she'll freak out, so she focuses on the practical problem instead: He needs to rest. That needs to come first. Anything remaining after that is an issue for future Hermione. What matters now is to somehow get Kakashi to agree, and then figure out how to make it happen. All that's needed is a practical plan of action.

Plans of action don't spring to life of their own, however, and Hermione knows next to nothing about being Hokage and the cultural aspects around that. It's not too bad then, that Naruto decided to barge in an offer to help, or that she finds out that he's decided Sakura should be called in as well.

"I still have questions," Naruto says as they've settled around the kitchen table, takeout containers spread between them. Had Hermione known Sakura would be coming she'd have gotten more food.

"You have questions?" Sakura glares at Naruto. "I have questions. Like, what's even going on?" Naruto slides his food her way, but she shakes her head. "It's two o'clock," she points out, "I've already eaten. Anyway, you can't just send a clone, say it's urgent, and then have it dispel itself. I thought someone was dying, and I come here, and you're in the middle of lunch."

"Well, that's the thing," Naruto says, stabbing his chopsticks in Sakura's direction. "She," he points to Hermione, "said he," then over to Kakashi, "is killing himself."

The silence that settles over the table is broken only by Kakashi's sigh as he places an elbow on the table, leaning with his forehead pressed against thumb and index finger. Sakura's sitting perfectly still, watching him with wide eyes. "What?" she says, and Hermione doesn't know if it's threatening or concerned. Kakashi's students both seem a little volatile, to be honest. Hermione hasn't quite figured them out yet.

"For the record," Kakashi says, "that's not what she said. Although I guess when you're trespassing and listening in on other people's private conversations it's easy to misinterpret them." Naruto squirms in his seat, jaw clenched, and cheeks tinged pink. Hermione catches Sakura giving him an unimpressed look before she turns back to Kakashi. There's a small wrinkle between her eyebrows.

"You admitted to hurting yourself," Naruto says, crossing his arms, "and I heard her say something about you going to kill yourself. I know I did."

Kakashi pivots around the fingers on his forehead to look at Hermione. He raises an eyebrow. "What?" she asks.

"Since you got me into this mess, I'm thinking it's your job to get me out of it." There's a drop of dry humour in his impassive voice, and if they'd been alone Hermione would have thrown her balled up napkin on him.

"That's how you're going to play this?" she says, but she can't help smiling. Part of her is touched by the show of trust. "How in the world did you manage before I showed up?"

"I have a feeling you're about to explain that I didn't." Kakashi raises an eyebrow at her, and Hermione feels it's completely justified to let the napkin fly. He ducks out of its path easily, but Hermione catches his smile.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Hermione says, and turns to Sakura and Naruto. "Naruto, when I said he's hurting himself, and that he'll end up killing himself, I didn't mean it quite like I think you heard it, okay? It's just…" Hermione rubs at her chin, trying to figure out where to start. Without knowing anything about them it's close to impossible. "Okay," she decides, "let's begin in this end: What do you know about the long-term effects of stress?"

"Some things," Sakura says, "but it's not really my field." Hermione nods. Naruto's arms remain across his chest, but some of his blatant stubbornness is blanked out. By his look, Hermione's focus will have to be on explaining the basics to Naruto, and hopefully Sakura won't argue too much.

"You know what adrenaline is, Naruto?" Hermione asks.

"Eh?" Naruto's nose scrunches up. "Maybe?"

Not diving straight into the workings of the autonomic nervous system was the right choice then. "It's alright if you don't," Hermione tells Naruto, "just say so, so I'll know what to explain."

"Not really then." Looking away, Naruto press his lips together. It reminds Hermione of Harry, admitting to not having done his homework.

"It's a hormone," Hermione says, "a thing our body makes in high stress situations. It makes you ready to fight or run; speeds up your heart, increases blood flow, tenses your muscles. Even widens your pupils and heighten your senses. It can feel like a rush."

"You learnt this at the academy," Sakura cuts in. She sighs. "Or, you were supposed to, at least."

Naruto shrugs, chin tense, but Hermione doesn't know either of them well enough for much of an interpretation. "I'm not sure what it has to do with anything though," Naruto says.

Before they can start arguing Hermione steps back in. "I'm getting there," she nods in Naruto's direction. "So, something happens that stresses your systems. It can be a fight, or intensive exercise, or knowing you're late to something, or having way too much that needs doing. Maybe adrenaline is released to help you out, but if it is, the effect lasts only for a couple of seconds. You also get another stress hormone, that a lot of people haven't heard of because it's not so obvious; cortisol. This works longer term, and also keeps the body in a state of fight-or-flight. All of this is normal, and happens when the body works as intended."

Pausing to see if Naruto seems to follow earns Hermione a tilt of his head. Uncrossing his arms would allow him to take in information easier, but she won't be the one to tell him that. "Now," she continues, "if you're stressed a lot, cortisol can build up in your body over time. You're simply making more of it than you can get rid of. That's where it starts being a problem. This is a little tricky, since it's not only the obviously stressful things that stresses your body. There are a lot of things that triggers these systems."

"Like?" Naruto cocks his head.

"Something bad might happen to you or someone you care about. You might have too much going on, or too little." Hermione catches the furrow of Naruto's eyebrows and the narrowing of Sakura's eyes, and pauses for the question.

"Too little?"

"Yes," Hermione confirms, "humans need a sense of purpose. You can also get stressed if you feel like you've got no say over your own life, or that you're needing to meet some standard that you can't quantify. Or you can be bullied, or lonely. Or anxious. There's a lot of reasons, really, and they can also differ between individuals.

"The thing is, it can turn into a slippery slope. Because living with a lot of stress makes cortisol build up in your body. Which makes you more susceptible to stress, since the fight-or-flight system's already active. Only, we're not meant to be in that state for a long period of time. The system is designed for making us survive the next hour, and in the next hour our immune system doesn't matter much. For an hour we don't need our digestive system to work, and it's okay that your blood pressure rises, and your muscles tense up. Neither of those things will hurt you in an hour. But what if that hour turns into a day, that turns into a week, that turns into months and maybe even years?"

"Wouldn't you notice?" This time, it's Sakura who asks. And really, it's the million-dollar question, isn't it?

Hermione can't help the sigh that escapes her. "If you know what to look for, maybe," she says, watching her fingers fiddle with the corner of her takeaway box. It's still warm from the food. "But it's hard, and even if you notice what would you do?" She looks up to meet Naruto's eyes, then Sakura's. Shrugs. Tries to keep her voice free of bitterness. "Maybe you're really tired, and you go to your doctor, who tells you there's nothing wrong and everyone's tired. That it's part of getting older or working full time or whatever. And you think that other people seem to have hobbies, they seem to do more than survive, but clearly there's nothing wrong with you so you must simply be lazy. Or not motivated enough. So something is wrong, but nothing is wrong, and you function when you're active. Stubbornness and adrenaline can keep you going for a long time. Making it trickier, because without knowing it, you've become dependent on the very hormones that's wearing you down to start with."

Even for Hermione, even with everything that happened, with all her friends in the same boat, and already being in therapy, it had taken time to realize what was going on. She hadn't found Linda at that point, and her first therapist kept telling her how it was important to stick to a regular schedule. It never helps how depression and burn-out and anxiety all interlace with each other yet needs completely different treatments, but Hermione doesn't know how to explain that. "Right before I crashed," she says instead, "I liked getting into verbal disagreements, because anger gives a kind of energy. It made me feel alive. Not like a washed-out zombie."

"Right before you crashed?" Naruto asks, and his arms has finally uncrossed.

"Yep," Hermione says. She wants them to know this after all. Thinks it might help them trust that she knows what she's talking about. "Finding out facts is how I process my own problems, meaning I've read a lot about toxic stress, burn-out, depression and anxiety." She shrugs. Smiles. "Now I'm spreading the gospel."

Sakura huffs. "And you made Kakashi-sensei sit still long enough to tell him any of this?" she asks, looking between them.

Hermione turns to Kakashi too, for the first time since she started her explanation. He looks composed, calm, like it's just another day. Having spent time with Hermione's family and friends, it's not surprising, the way he slips into this state with other people around, but these are his friends. Or students, but whatever. Is this how he is around everyone? That sure gives perspective on their initial struggles.

"I can't say I made it easy." Kakashi smiles. For the first time, Hermione laughs with the memory of that disastrous first doctor's appointment and everything that followed fresh in her mind.

"You certainly didn't," Hermione tells him. "But I'm… tenacious," her chosen adjective doesn't earn her a poke in the arm, "and I think it worked out alright in the end."

"Who knew a civilian would not only decide to knock some sense into me," Kakashi says, "but that she'd actually succeed."

"I'm great like that." Hermione deadpans. It derails the whole conversation.

In the end it's Sakura who brings them back on track; pointing out that the original question hasn't been answered. If there was a question, Hermione can't remember it, but she does know she never explained the actual damages done by too much stress.

"You see," she says, finding her way back to seriousness, "the thing with breaking your autonomic nervous system and getting dependant on increasing amount of stress hormones to keep going, is that you're poisoning yourself. High levels of cortisol over an extended period of time actually causes brain damage. After I was diagnosed with burn-out, I spent months on the couch, hardly able to focus on watching tv. I had problems finding words. If I spent an afternoon with my friends, I'd sleep for days.

"If you realize what's happening you can choose to stop and change your life, but if you ignore the signs and don't, that decision will eventually be forced on you. Eventually, your body or your mind gives out. Some people forget things like where they live, or their own birthday. Some people can't get out of bed for months, even to go to the bathroom. Some people have heart attacks. In therapy, I met a woman who hurt herself so bad she hasn't been able to read a book, in fifteen years."

Hermione's looking at Kakashi now. She's told him most of this, more than once, but clearly he needs to hear it again. Before he crashes worse than he already has. Before it gets to a point he can't come back from.

"The good news is you can heal," she says, turning back to Sakura and Naruto. "The parts of your brain that was damaged can grow back. Only, it takes time, because you need to reteach your nervous systems not to trigger these hormones, and you need to rest."

It doesn't surprise her that Kakashi decided he'd done enough resting over the months in Iceland. That doesn't make it true. Hermione hasn't heard of anyone getting well in less than a year. Sure, she hadn't been stuck at home for that amount of time; she'd been able to work in some capacity for the larger part of her burn-out. But she's still had to be mindful. It still hadn't healed. Not really. It took two years before she dared think it was behind her. Before she managed to make it through a literal but unintended stress test without any real setbacks. Two years.

All of this is things Kakashi already knows. Hermione's been nagging him about it enough, first this summer and then these last two days. Hopefully, if Sakura and Naruto take her side in this, there might be enough stubbornness between the three of them to get through. They may have to, because if there's one thing Hermione learnt over the years it is to read her own stress levels, and this? Watching Kakashi determinately self-destruct when she's not yet past the attack on her life and the possibility of new Death Eaters? It's pushing her a little too close to the edge for comfort.

.oOo.

Kakashi listens, he does, but he can't muster the attentiveness expected. Or the emotional response. Or rather; he can't muster the energy to keep any emotional responses in check, so he avoids them altogether. Sits calmly instead as Hermione explains how he's ran himself into the ground and is now failing to dig his way out. Is in fact digging himself deeper down as they speak.

He wonders what Sakura and Naruto is thinking. If they'll trust him even with a broken body and a stress damaged mind.

Naruto's upset, and wants to find a solution. Now. As if damage done over decades can be solved with a few transfers of kyūbi-empowered chakra and a healing session. At least Sakura knows enough about chakra theory and medical ninjutsu that it doesn't fall on Kakashi to explain why it won't work. Having her here turned out to be a good idea after all, if only because Kakashi doesn't have to lecture Naruto on things he should already know. Kakashi's not sure he could sound right around the tightness in his throat.

He knows he's overdoing it. Knows that pretending things are normal will only work for so long. That it'll put him back to where he was this summer soon enough; not being able to get out of bed. He just doesn't know how to stop.

It turns out Sakura's been wondering why Kakashi doesn't have any help with his administrative work. And sure, Tsunade had Shizune; but Tsunade also had responsibilities at the hospital, and an apprentice. Sarutobi always managed on his own. Minato as well. What's Kakashi's excuse?

Asking this out loud earns him a confused look from Naruto, a furrowed brow from Sakura, and a cocked head from Hermione. "Is that really necessary?" the latter questions.

Maybe it wouldn't be, Kakashi thinks, if getting him a secretary is the only thing they're planning, but they've already thrown around plenty of other ideas. They seem to want him to do the absolutely bare minimum, and he'd be upset about that if time to sleep didn't sound so amazing. At least this way it's not his choice; he can tell himself they're ganging up on him.

"Shikamaru's a Nara," Kakashi says after the slight pause, forcing his voice to be indifferent rather than weary, "and while they don't gossip, Ino will know if he gets more responsibilities."

Sakura groans. "She'll grill me for hours," she says, "and she's a bloodhound when it comes to lies, I swear. This will be so much work for me."

Tapping her cheek, Hermione looks from Sakura to Kakashi and back again. "Then don't lie," she says.

"What?" Naruto's voice is loud and sharp. "Are you stupid? We can't tell people the truth."

Hermione's smile takes on an edge. There's a spark in her eyes, and Kakashi can guess what she's about to say. He doesn't interrupt her. She may be bad at outright lying, but she does know how to twist the truth. "Why not?" she says, her eyebrows twitching. "I'd say it's the perfect thing to do." She turns to Kakashi. "I mean, they already think it. Could we get away with playing to that?"

"It will paint a target on your back," he tells her. She should know what she's getting herself into.

"More than there already is?" Hermione's still smiling, but she's good at self-sacrifice. Not that Kakashi can call her out on it in current company.

"Maybe not," he admits. The rest of this conversation will have to happen later. Turning to Sakura and Naruto, Kakashi cocks his head. He knows full well that Naruto has no idea what they're saying, but still asks; "would you believe it?"

Sakura, of course, is more than capable of following the train of thought. "Everyone already believes it," she says with a shrug. "So that won't be a problem per se. As for you shirking your duties for it? It will probably fly as long as Hermione's home when you are, and you behave accordingly in public."

If Sakura thinks that, it's probably true. She's got her ear on the ground and is far better at reading people than Kakashi or Naruto. Especially normal people. Any misgivings Kakashi has for his own sake can be ignored. Because honestly; what's the worst that can happen?

(They can decide he's letting the village down, that he's got no place here, that he's a traitor for not doing his duties. They can cast him aside and lock him out and whisper behind his back. They can drive him away.)

(He can lose his home. But if he does, he'd know where to go, and who to go with. Hopefully that'd be enough to save him.)

Kakashi looks at Hermione. Ignores everything that's about himself and wonders what she's making of Sakura's comment. If it worries her. They wouldn't have to behave differently in public than they do in private. No one expects them to be making out in the streets. For them, it should be easier to sell a romantic relationship than a regular friendship, but Kakashi also knows it can still be complicated. For her most of all.

Before Kakashi can say anything however, Naruto explodes. "Seriously," he waves his arms, "what the hell are you even talking about? You don't have to talk in code, you know." Kakashi isn't sure whether to curse the interruption or be grateful for it.

"Like I said," Hermione responds with a half shrug, "we don't have to lie; not when the truth is Kakashi's taking time off because I'm here."

"He's the Hokage," Naruto points out, "he can't exactly take time off to hang out with a friend." Sometimes, Kakashi needs to remind himself that it's actually very lucky Naruto's not the most observant or analytical person; he's overpowered enough as it is.

"Not even a girlfriend?" Hermione asks, eyes locked on Naruto and a posture that's far from the innocence it's mocking. "Who he hasn't seen in months and who is only here for a limited time?"

"But you're not a couple. You said so." Kakashi wants to hit his head against the nearest hard surface. Just for a bit. Naruto himself had no trouble believing they were before Kakashi told him otherwise, and now he apparently sees no reason to question that truth either. "And you can't lie so you'll mess it up." Naruto crosses his arms and glares at Hermione, and Kakashi finally begins to get what's going on in what passes for his knucklehead student's brain. He's even got a valid point, but what he hasn't got is the whole picture.

"I can lie," Hermione sounds halfway between wanting to hit Naruto and wanting to stick her tongue out. "I'm just really bad at making something up on the spot."

"Yeah?" Naruto points at Hermione. "Prove it!"

Hermione turns to Kakashi for a second, and he takes it as a bid for approval. Kakashi smiles and turns his palm up, gesturing to her. If he's lucky this can make this whole terrible ordeal worth it. Hermione turns back to Naruto, looking him dead in the eye. "We might have said we're just friends," she tells him, "but you know; I've been sleeping with Kakashi for a while now, and it's amazing. Seriously, we can do it all night long, only to move on to the couch in the morning, and—"

"Okay!" Naruto covers his ears. "Stop before you give me nightmares." Both his and Sakura's faces has gone an interesting shade of red. If Kakashi had an inch less self-control he'd be on the floor laughing.

"Truth or lie?" Hermione asks.

"You can't always say stuff like that to get out of it," Naruto says, pursing his lips. Kakashi wouldn't have thought Hermione would say something like that, at all, but apparently he was wrong.

"It'll be fine, I think," Kakashi says easily, pushing any concerns aside to deal with later, when he can make sure Hermione's as okay with this as she seems.

Sakura rubs her ear. "Didn't you say you were going to tell the truth?" she asks, and Kakashi thinks she's trying to change topics.

Hermione shrugs, meeting Kakashi's eyes. It's his choice what to tell them, he gathers. The opportunity is too good to pass up. "She did," he says, and the strain of holding his amusement down to only a smile is beginning to hurt his cheeks.

"But? What?" Naruto shakes his head. "You're like friends with benefits?" Sakura opens her mouth, and Naruto must either catch that, or catch up with his own mouth. "You know what, don't answer that," he adds, "I don't want to know."

"Maa," Kakashi says none the less, "Hermione does sleep with me, in my bed, every night. All night. Wearing pyjamas. Sometimes, we fall asleep on the couch, in front of the tv."

Naruto sputters. Sakura digs the heels of her hands into her eyes and groans. "Seriously?" she says.

"Like a heart attack." Hermione's laughing out loud. "So, Kakashi's got a girl friend over from abroad, who he happens to be sharing a bed with. The difference between that and a girlfriend he's sharing a bed with is literally a space between two words, and spaces aren't pronounced in regular speech. No lies needed unless you plan on writing it down."

"When this whole thing ends up killing Ino, I'll be blaming the two of you," Sakura says. Her face is still blushed but Kakashi can tell she's fighting a laugh.

"She might make Shikamaru kill himself first," Naruto points out, "or at least cut of his ears. Then you'll have pissed of two of the mayor clans, and maybe they make me Hokage. This can be great, you know!"

It's not the kind of thing he can say out loud, but honestly, Kakashi feels that might not be the worst scenario here. Not that he dislikes Ino or Shikamaru, but neither of them are likely to actually perish, and if the consequence is he riles them up enough to lose his job it's absolutely worth it. It's not like he wants it anyway.

AN: If you have any thoughts, feelings, or ideas for things you'd wish would happen, feel free to share them with me. I can use some inspiration. Apart from that I'm always happy to hear what you think about this chapter, both the good and the bad. Take care out there!