Chapter title comes from Benson Boone's song "Death Wish Love". *Wink wink* for the mention of Death.
Chapter Six: Death Wish Love
They spent the morning and part of the afternoon discussing regulations. Loki, with the neatest handwriting, became the designated secretary to write down important details on some notepads someone had found.
So far, they had succeeded in agreeing upon simple mandates for curfew, limited shower times due to lack of clean water, and rationing their meager food supply. All the remaining guards were put on a scheduled rotation to watch out for any hostile spaceships or to spot any planets where they could restock.
Sleeping locations became another topic of discussion. Families and close friends were put together but due to the sheer amount of people, the spaceship had limited room for people to sleep. There were not many rooms available, so most slept out on the main deck where Thor's coronation had occurred. The elders, guards, and healers got the first pick at the actual bedrooms, and the rest were put on a lottery system to have families share a room.
In a secluded area near the main deck, the healers established a medical wing to keep the crowd from disturbing the patients and healers.
For the rest of the group serving as Thor's makeshift council, they divided responsibilities. Korg and Miek, since they didn't quite understand Asgardian traditions, were in charge of keeping people calm and were to report to Thor about any disagreements or issues arising amongst the people.
Brunnhilde supervised the defensive measures and Heimdall led the navigation and observation team. Banner, using several of his PhDs and technology-related expertise, handled any repairs the Statesman required.
Loki filled in the remaining duties, mostly doing whatever task Thor assigned him to oversee. At the moment, it meant checking the medical wing for a list of needed supplies.
Initially, Loki thought nothing of it. Then he realized he might run into someone he had no intention of meeting again so soon.
Thor sensed his hesitation and immediately brought it to light.
"I don't know why you're so afraid of the medical wing," Thor said while he and Loki sat in his study, reading over the last meeting notes. "There is nothing there to harm you."
"Send someone else," Loki said, focusing on the notes instead of Thor's concerned gaze.
"Is it because of Sigyn?" Thor asked, prompting Loki to flinch and hunch his shoulders. "Did she make it aboard?"
"Yes," Loki said.
"Then what is the concern?" Thor asked.
Sensing Thor wouldn't let the conversation go, Loki tore his gaze from his notes and met Thor head-on.
"In case you have forgotten, she has not forgiven me for my actions on Midgard," Loki snapped. Quieter and mostly to himself, he added, "And I doubt she ever will."
"I forgave you," Thor pointed out.
"You're my brother; we grew up together, and—"
"So did she," Thor interrupted. "No one else is more understanding and empathetic than her. Just talk to her. Have you talked to her?"
"Not in a few years." Loki leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest, frowning. "Now is not a good time."
"It is never a good time."
Loki raised an eyebrow and gave Thor an incredulous look.
"What?" Thor asked, completely oblivious.
"How many lovers have you had?" Loki asked.
Thor squinted at the ceiling and started counting them off on his fingers. He gave up halfway through his second hand and shook his head.
"Forget about me. This is about you," Thor said, flapping a hand in the air to brush away thoughts of past partners. "On Earth, there are stories about us, and in one of them, you and Sigyn are married."
Loki rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Yes, and in those same myths, apparently I tied my nether regions to a goat and performed a tug-of-war for a giant. I have never done such a thing. Why would I ever do such a ridiculous thing? Those are not exactly accurate."
Thor smirked. "I'm surprised you didn't mention the horse story."
Loki waved him off. "That one I think is actually true."
"How are you unsure?" Thor asked, confused. "There is no maybe. Either it's true or it's not."
Loki stared down at his notes again as if searching for answers in the words. Finding none, he sighed and stared at Thor.
"Does your memory ever feel...fuzzy when thinking about your earlier years? Or realize you misremembered something but cannot pinpoint what?" Loki asked.
"Doesn't everyone?" Thor shrugged. "It's normal."
"I don't think to this extent." Loki shook his head. "There is something wrong and I cannot explain why. I feel like I have met this horse before but I cannot remember the details. If I truly did have a son, you would think I would at least remember his name."
Thor blinked, then scratched his beard in thought. Loki waited for him to respond, letting his mind wander to the past.
A wall of fog in his head surrounded something he couldn't see, and any efforts to dispel the haze left him with a headache.
"We are getting sidetracked," Thor eventually said. "Go to the medical wing, get a list of supplies, and talk to Sigyn. At the very least, say hi and ask her how she's doing. She might surprise you, but you will never know unless you try."
Unable to conjure further excuses, Loki gathered a fresh notepad and pen and trudged to the medical wing.
He used to enjoy watching the royal healers work, mostly to get a glimpse of Sigyn during her breaks. On the slower days, Eir, the head healer of Asgard, would let Loki assist Sigyn. He learned a few tricks that came in handy over the years and both he and Sigyn enjoyed the company.
Now, he didn't know how Sigyn would react. They had shared a brief, doomsday kiss when they had run into each other on the bridge, but other than wishing each other well, they did not have the time to discuss their relationship. Worst case scenario, Sigyn would reject him again and he would live the rest of his life alone—something he had resigned himself to plenty of times before.
The Statesman had a medical room but the smaller size couldn't hold the overflow of patients. The new medical wing had makeshift beds pushed against the wall on both sides of a large hallway. The beds left a path through the middle, leading from the original medical room to the hallways beyond.
No curtains separated the patients. Most of the beds were mattresses pulled from bedframes and laid on the floor without sheets. The day prior, much to Brunnhilde's disappointment, the healers confiscated all the alcohol on the ship to disinfect wounds.
The medical wing smelled of alcohol and dried blood as the healers buzzed about between the patients like a swarm of frantic bees. All the beds were full of the worst injured ones, leaving many lying on the floor.
In one case, a young woman—presumably a first-time mother judging by the special attention—had given birth, and it was beside her that Loki spotted the woman to whom he once swore his life and fidelity.
The familiar healer with light brown, caramel-colored hair done up in her signature thick braid bent over the new mother, checking for any complications. She wore her standard blue healer outfit, stained in several places from many unfortunate patients bleeding on her.
Through the din of the newborn's cries and moans of pain from the other patients, Loki cleared his throat. She didn't hear him, so Loki summoned up enough courage to tap her on the shoulder.
Finally catching her attention, she turned and almost jumped once she saw him, startling the patient.
"Loki, what are you doing here?!" Sigyn asked, surprise interlaced with a slight undertone of contempt. Her face quickly shifted from shock to wariness as Loki rocked back and forth on his feet. Her violet eyes scanned over him, probably checking for injuries, and then narrowed when she reached his face again.
"Thor sent me to make a list of supplies," Loki responded, winking to mask the turbulent emotions swirling beneath. As proof, he held up the notepad and tried his hardest not to shrink under her gaze. "I am glad to see you are doing well, Sigyn."
Understatement much? Losing her would be comparable to losing a piece of himself.
Sigyn frowned and smoothed down her dress. Freckles dotted her face, standing out cutely against her warm ivory skin tone. Her cheeks were flushed pink but they turned a deeper shade of red when Loki had winked at her. She looked a little tired but her violet eyes shone with determination.
"I suppose I could help," Sigyn said. She said her goodbyes to the new mother and turned around to face Loki. Brushing past him, she avoided touching and looking at him, focusing instead on marching straight to the supply room in the ship's original medical room.
While weaving their way through the crowded hallway, Loki's thoughts shifted to when they had first met.
Sigyn, an only child on a family farm, shared Loki's love of reading and they often saw each other in the library between lessons. Being cute, smart, and one of the few girls his age who never teased him, Sigyn immediately caught his attention. They had made it official at a spring dance early into their childhood, and from then, they were practically inseparable.
Odin initially didn't like how Loki spent his time with a poor farm girl instead of a wealthy noble but eventually relented because Sigyn often kept Loki from getting into trouble. Sigyn's parents also would have preferred their daughter to fall for anyone else besides Loki. They, too, gave in because Sigyn, as an introvert, rarely socialized and Loki's attention brought her out of her shell.
When Sigyn announced she wanted to become a healer, Loki supported her and personally gave Eir a recommendation. Besides Frigga and Thor, only Sigyn encouraged Loki's interest in knowledge and sedir instead of the brutish talents many of the Asgardians preferred.
They were a match made by the Norns, and early on, they had plans for marriage. He allowed her to become comfortable trying new things and she kept him grounded—a perfect balance of chaos and order.
At least, they used to. Now, Loki had no idea if Sigyn still felt the same way because, after Midgard, Sigyn ended their relationship.
Loki didn't blame her. Anyone in their right mind wouldn't want to court someone who murdered hundreds for the sake of angering a brother. The Void and Thanos had ruined his mind, and he didn't want to hurt her in case any remnants of the Mind Stone caused him to lash out.
Sigyn never visited him in the dungeons either, probably forbidden by her parents to visit—although Frigga did say Sigyn asked about him occasionally. They never fully trusted him anyway, so the attack on Midgard most likely sealed his fate.
After falling into the Void and attacking New York, Loki felt like he would never reclaim what he had lost. He just never imagined he would lose Sigyn, too.
Sigyn had the talent and skills to become a high-ranking healer position. Gullible would not describe her, especially since she had a knack for reading people's body language. Without a doubt, staying away from Loki was probably the smartest decision she ever made.
And yet, fate, while cruel at times, still tried its hardest to keep them together.
Lost in thoughts, Loki didn't realize he'd been staring at Sigyn's back. Her dress—not the most flattering of an outfit because it preferred practicality over fashion—hugged her waist and swished around her calves as she walked. She turned even the most mundane outfits into stunning masterpieces, and Loki found himself mesmerized by the swaying of her hips.
Just the thought of being so close to her again after such a long time apart tugged at Loki's heart. It hurt too much to think about how he ended up in this situation, so Loki tried to distract himself.
Yet, Sigyn, even from the back, looked too enchanting, so much so Loki didn't watch where he walked and almost ran into her when she stopped at the supply closet.
"Is everything going well?" Loki asked, focusing on the task at hand.
Sigyn took the notepad from him and began jotting down everything the healers needed. Her silence annoyed him so he tried to start a casual conversation even the most inverse could manage, simply to hear her soothing voice.
"It's fine," Sigyn replied, monotone toward the mostly empty shelves.
In his many centuries of battle lessons, turning one's back toward an enemy usually resulted in a lethal mistake. He had learned quickly to never turn his back toward anyone he didn't trust. Even though Sigyn probably only wanted to ignore him, it gave Loki an odd sense of comfort. In some way, on some level, she still trusted him.
"Am I making you nervous?" Loki asked.
Sigyn stiffened a bit and paused but still faced the shelves. She resumed scanning the supplies, running a hand down each shelf, and then writing down the number of items.
Loki leaned back against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest. "We are stuck on a ship for the time being, so we might as well discuss the issue."
"There is nothing to discuss," Sigyn said toward the shelves. She bent over to examine the lower shelves, hesitated, and then quickly dropped her hips into a squat.
Loki noticed it anyway and smirked a little at her decision to bend down in a more proper position even though she wore tights under her dress.
"Then why are you acting like this?" Loki questioned, getting back to the topic at hand. "Communication is the key to a relationship."
"We are not in a relationship," Sigyn retorted, balancing on the tips of her toes as she jotted down a few items.
Loki cringed at the blunt admission. Even though they hadn't spoken in length to each other since Midgard, it still stung to hear those words come from her mouth.
"If we are not in a relationship, then why did you kiss me on the bridge?" Loki questioned.
That got a reaction.
Sigyn immediately shot up and whipped around to face Loki, glaring at him.
"That kiss meant nothing," Sigyn snapped.
"You are the one who kissed me first," Loki pointed out. "If I recall correctly, you pulled me into that kiss. I am wrong?"
Sigyn huffed. "We were on the brink of death, our home about to burn. It came from desperation, nothing more."
Loki shook his head and straightened. "Admit, Sigyn, you still have feelings for me. I still have feelings for you."
"None of it means anything."
"You keep telling yourself that but you know it's not true."
Sigyn glared up at Loki, her jaw jutting out in defiance a whole head shorter than him. Her violet eyes, while angry, shone with unshed tears. "I cannot be with someone who slaughters entire races."
"Is this yourself talking or is it what your parents made you believe?" Loki asked and titled his head when Sigyn looked away. "They made it onto the ship, didn't they? They still have their loyal daughter trapped as a puppet on strings. Lovely people but damn they can be harsh on others. They never liked me to begin with; they only needed a good reason to keep you away from me."
"They were right about you, you know," Sigyn said, meeting his gaze. Loki had never seen such anger in her eyes, and it startled him. He had caused this—turned a once patient and caring woman into one full of resentment and hurt.
"When has it ever stopped you—stopped us? We used to sneak off together, not caring what others thought. They never mattered, only us."
"Things are different now. You are different."
Loki spread out his arms in frustration. "Then what do you want? An apology?"
"Maybe!"
"I can apologize a thousand times and it still will not undo what I have done. I can spend the rest of my life in the dungeons, but it will never bring those people back." Loki pounded his fists into his chest, wishing Sigyn could see the guilt written on his face as plain as day. "Not a day goes by where I do not regret what I have done.
"And I am sorry, I truly am. I am not the man you once loved—probably still love—but I don't know how to fix it. Why can't you see that I'm trying?"
Sigyn sniffed but didn't answer. Her head faced away from him in an attempt to hide the tears rolling down her face. It hurt like a dagger stabbed and twisted into his heart seeing her cry—cry because of him.
"You helped me after Svartalfheim. You could have left me to die but you didn't," Loki added, his voice softening. "You still care about me, and if you say differently, you are only lying to yourself.
"All those years we spent together, do they mean nothing to you? Were we just doomed to fall apart after centuries of love and devotion?"
The frustration he had gathered over the years finally came pouring out like a gate bursting open and flooding a dam. No more lies; Sigyn needed to hear the truth. As much as it hurt to be so vulnerable again after letting others manipulate his emotions, only the full truth could fix the gaping chasm in their relationship.
"Damnit, Sigyn! You call yourself a healer but you can't even see when one of the closest people you know is in pain," Loki shouted. "I'm in pain, Sigyn, and I need your help. I need you!"
Sigyn's jaw worked and her chest heaved. Finally turning to Loki, she frowned, not bothering to wipe the tears from her face.
"As a healer, I swore an oath to do no harm. I wish you would have done the same," Sigyn said, her voice wavering. "What you did on Midgard, you did to me. I cannot love someone who has so little regard for the sanctity of life."
With that, Sigyn pushed past him, leaving Loki to stare silently after the woman he loved—the woman who might never love him back.
Sigyn is kind of an OC. She is based on the woman in the myths and comics but with a different personality, power set, backstory, etc.