"I feel like I haven't made much progress," Willow admitted as she sat in the chair facing Dr. Winters.
Lainey looked at her in both concern and curiosity. "What makes you feel that way?" She asked.
Willow sighed. "I can't seem to accept compliments. Whenever my boyfriend and Nina praise me, I smile but my first instinct is to deny them. Like, it doesn't make me uncomfortable to hear them call me kind or beautiful or intelligent. I just kind of…freeze, and I feel like I don't know how to handle it."
Willow waited with bated breath, watching her therapist with growing anxiety as the silence between them stretched on. Did Lainey think she was strange for that? Did she think she was a lost cause?
Heart pounding, Willow nearly missed Lainey's question: "You told me in our first session that you were forced into the Dawn of Day cult by your own adoptive mother, correct?"
Willow nodded.
"You also mentioned how your adoptive mother—Harmony—wanted you to be initiated into the cult leader's inner circle so she could be closer to him. Am I recalling that correctly, too?"
Another nod.
Lainey herself nodded and then leaned forward, staring seriously at the younger woman. "Do you believe that this cult leader—this Shiloh—wanted Harmony to convince you to join his inner circle because he was in love with you?" She inquired.
Willow paused, her mind whirling. She didn't believe that Shiloh was capable of love. Obsession, sure, but love? To her, love was meant for people who had pure intentions, who were remorseful after committing unspeakable acts, who held loyalty and compassion towards those precious to them.
Shiloh was a monster, plain and simple. He blackmailed those in his Trust with their deepest, darkest secrets, gave inductees drugs, and raped them when they were borderline unconscious and unable to resist. How could such a sick and twisted individual ever experience love?
But maybe…maybe that was it. Maybe Shiloh could feel love, just a twisted version of it….
The realization made her terror and hatred for the man intensify. If he was in love with her—if he still felt that way today—and his best course of action was to rape her impressionable and vulnerable self…then it made him even more disgusting in her eyes. It only solidified the choice she made when she ran away from Dawn of Day to give birth to her child in peace.
"He might have been in love with me," Willow whispered into the stillness of the room. "He was definitely more interested in being around me than the other women in the cult."
"What would he say to you?"
Bile rose in Willow's throat. "He told me that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever had the pleasure of inducting into his Trust, that my purity and innocence were to be admired. He acted like I was some kind of goddess to be worshipped." It was similar to the way Chase looked at and described her, but it didn't make her feel sick with Chase. With Shiloh, it was revolting.
Lainey noticed the conflict on her face and she hated herself for what she was forcing this woman to relive, but she had to get to the root of Willow's problems to make headway in her healing journey.
"Do you think that these compliments that Shiloh paid you in the past is the reason why you struggle with receiving them from more genuine people?" Lainey asked. "Could it be that your subconscious is attempting to protect itself from being hurt again, even with people you know in your heart you can trust?"
A few beats of hesitant silence, then Willow answered: "Yes, I…I think that's what's happening. I always feel so safe when Chase calls me beautiful, when Michael calls me an amazing mother, when Sasha calls me her best friend, and even when Nina says that I have a kind heart. Before them, everyone—except for my adoptive father—consistently flattered me so that I would be compliant and ignorant of their deceptions. Kindness usually meant some kind of manipulation."
Tears rolled down Willow's face at this harsh realization and Lainey slid her tissue box towards her, which she took several of and began wiping her face clean.
"I'm sorry that this is causing you pain," Lainey apologized, her own eyes shining with sadness.
Willow shook her head. "No, please don't apologize," she sniffled and finished drying her cheeks before meeting her therapist's eyes again. "If you didn't ask these questions, then I would never have these epiphanies and I wouldn't be able to do anything about them. I'd keep being confused for the rest of my life and I'm done being this weak little girl who doesn't know why she feels the way that she does."
Lainey smiled at the brunette. "I'm glad you feel that way, Willow," she replied. "But…I have another question that could cause you as much pain."
"Okay," Willow said with some hesitance. "What is it?"
"How is your progress going with Harmony?"
Willow sighed heavily. "It's still just as strained as in the beginning. I don't trust her and I just want to go at my own pace, but she won't let me."
Lainey frowned. "What do you mean by that?" She asked, picking up her pen and writing something down on her session notepad.
"She seems to be everywhere I am. Whenever she sees me, she gets this desperate look on her face and she keeps trying to convince me that she still loves me and doesn't want to go no contact. Recently at Kelly's, I was planning on getting lunch after our previous session, but she was there and she tried to initiate a conversation. During that time, she grabbed my arm to get my attention and stop me from leaving and for a moment I felt like she was the same woman who came to town, still one of Shiloh's minions, to convince me to return to Dawn of Day," Willow explained. She remembered the panic she felt that day, how she instantly went to Nina's side when her biological mother rescued her and almost clung to her like a child seeking comfort after a nightmare.
"It makes me feel like she's stalking me," she continued. "I know that it's probably not like that, but it's the first thing I think of after she practically followed me to Port Charles just because Shiloh asked her to."
Lainey nodded, writing another note down. "We talked about exposure therapy and how Harmony is the next step in healing your emotional wounds, but the point of this therapy method is to go at the pace that you're comfortable with, not at someone else's pace. I understand that Harmony's attempts to force a reconciliation are frustrating and scary for you," she said.
Willow let out a sarcastic laugh. "Yeah, it's terrifying because it reminds me of how she was when she urged me to join Shiloh's inner circle and how little she cared for me when she knew what would happen to me in that room." She clenched her fists, nails biting into the skin of her palms as she remembered all of the urging her adoptive mother did all in the name of gaining Shiloh's favor.
Lainey waited, sensing that Willow wasn't finished.
"I hate her," Willow hissed. "I hate her so much for the role she willingly played in this. If she'd only cared about me the way that she's been claiming every time she's seen me lately, then maybe we never would have joined Dawn of Day. Maybe my adoptive father never would have been killed by that monster. Maybe my son would have been Chase's son instead of Shiloh's.
"Or," Willow said, her chest heaving with labored breaths as her fury towards her situation peaked. "Maybe everything would have been fine if I'd been raised with my real parents. Nina has been a much better mother to me than Harmony ever was!"
Lainey watched the brunette work through the anger that suddenly morphed from the grief she'd been experiencing since the beginning of their session. That was a good sign; it meant that she was moving another step forward.
"Willow," Lainey waited until the young woman calmed down. "Do you love Nina?"
"Yes," Willow immediately answered. She didn't have to think about it, the word just instantly came to mind. "She's my mother. My real mother."
A small smile stretched Lainey's lips. "In comparison to your progress with Harmony, what can you say about your progress with Nina?"
Willow's smile was bright. The grief and anger left her body and were replaced with happiness. "It's been amazing," she replied. "Nina's been so understanding and loving. She's protected me from Harmony and supports my decisions. She and Chase also get along, which is really important to me since he's my boyfriend." A little laugh, this time a joyful one, escaped her.
"It's important to have good things happening amongst the bad things," Lainey commented. "It helps make the healing process easier since you aren't only focusing on the tragedies."
"I just wish that it wouldn't make me feel like I'm constantly flipping back and forth between feeling better and then feeling worse. It's like when I take one step forward, I take three steps back," Willow said.
"It's okay to have conflicting emotions, Willow," Lainey replied reassuringly. "You're going to have good days and bad days because as I've told you before, this is a process. The only one who controls the pace here is you and there will be times where you feel as if you aren't moving forward and that's okay, too. You've gone through a lot of trauma and that isn't easily fixed within a few sessions."
Lainey leaned forward and rested her chin on her interlaced hands. "Don't put yourself down for any perceived failures," she advised softly. "You're doing great."
Willow nodded, smiling at the older woman. "Thank you, Lainey," she said.
"You're welcome, Willow. I'll see you next week?"
"Of course."