samaqi: I'm practicing writing with jokes shamelessly borrowed from Friday Night Dinner, Lab Rats, and many other shows. Hope you find them more funny in FFVIII's world!

FFVIII's original cast in this one-shot: Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, Nida, Xu, Instructor Aki.

New characters in my FFVIII-2's world:

-Acma: a transfer student from Trabia, also a Galbadian spy

-Lina: a White SeeD trained by Balamb Garden, working at the library if not dispatched, also a Galbadian spy

-Zyma: Joker of the CC group, Acma's mentor

-Trepie #23: Princess Diamond of the CC group, Acma's suite mate

-Raddie: the jogging boy in blue/white shirt who owns the MiniMog card, age: 16

-Sean: Raddie's brother, the guy complaining about chronic back pain in Dollet mission.

-—

Balamb Garden. Friday 2pm.

"So... what's the result?"

Nida inquired as Xu emerged from the bathroom.

"Nothing," Xu replied curtly.

"As in...?"

"Nothing! What else could it mean?"

"The test... it might be inconclusive if the result window is blank," Nida pointed at the manual that came with the quick test.

"Yes? Thanks a lot," Xu threw her arms up in exasperation, her face flushing red.

"I'm sorry. Would you like a glass of water?" Nida swallowed hard, reaching for the empty glass on her table.

"No," Xu declined, rolling her eyes. "You just saw me drink three glasses to have enough pee."

"Um…" Nida hesitated.

"What now?"

"It says here… the test could be inconclusive if the urine is too diluted…"

"Oh! For Hyne's sake!"

Frustrated, Xu stood up and ushered Nida out of her room. The head instructor did not protest as Xu closed the door behind him. He stood there for a minute, waiting for her to calm down.

"Take a rest. We'll test again later. I'll pick you up at 1830," Nida called through the closed door.

Xu cursed under her breath and facepalmed. "Hyne! Is it your father's retirement party today?"

"Yes," Nida replied. "By the way, some lunatic just hit and ran him near the forest," Nida explained.

"What?" Xu's concern was evident.

"It's nothing serious, but his car is at Ma Smailes' garage."

"So, you'll be giving him a ride from Balamb?" Xu narrowed her eyes. "I'd rather not be in the car with him."

"Don't worry! I'll drive him to Master Miyagi and then return to pick you and Quistis up," Nida assured her.

"Thank you," Xu sighed, tossing the pregnancy test in the trashcan before lying down on the bed.

"Don't stress too much about it. We'll figure it out," Nida murmured before leaving Xu alone. "I love you."

Xu sighed, then reached out to her pager.

Xu: Quis, got a minute? Urgent.

Quistis: On my way!

"Watch out!" Lina screamed as Acma made a sharp turn, narrowly avoiding a collision with another car in her blind spot.

Acma gasped and quickly apologized to the honking car and its irate driver.

"That was close! We almost got hit," Acma remarked.

"And they almost got killed," Lina muttered, rolling her eyes. "He must really like you to let you drive all the way from Garden to Balamb."

"Oh, not that topic again! He doesn't like me," Acma insisted.

"He carried you on his back, walked around Balamb town all day, and even bought you custom weapons…"

"With Miss Xu's money," Acma clarified.

"And instead of just giving you 1000 Gil, a busy hitman like him accompanied you the whole day, stated that he had fun, and explicitly said he had never spent that much time with anyone," Lina recounted in a single breath. "I don't know what other signs you need. The guy is clearly interested in you."

Acma frowned sadly. "He could say that to anyone. You've seen how he flirts with girls."

"They're his customers. All shop owners do that. Look," Lina tried to make her point. "I've been at Garden for ten years. He had a reputation for being a cold, professional guy."

"He's a pervert! He always comes up with inappropriate jokes."

"No one ever says that," Lina disagreed. "Maybe he's entirely different around you."

"Let it go," Acma sighed.

"Why? You like him. He's clearly given you signs of interest. Maybe he's waiting for you to flirt back," Lina urged. "Why don't you let him know?"

"Because..." Acma trailed off. "He's him. He's so cunning; he might just be putting on a show to trick me."

"It's unlikely…"

"But there's some chance, right? You're not him. How would you know?" Acma sighed. "If I confess and he's not interested, he'll ridicule me for the rest of our mentorship program. I can't bear that kind of humiliation. I'd rather die... Ahh..."

"Watch out!"

Master Miyagi's. Friday 2pm.

Zyma anxiously checked the window once more.

"What's up? Can't wait to see her?" Sean teased, observing Zyma's impatience as he scanned the front yard while juggling other tasks.

"Nah... They're late. She's never late. I hope Lina was the one driving," Zyma expressed his concern while peeling carrots.

"Acma is always careful, don't worry," Trepie #23 reassured Zyma as she emerged from the kitchen with two small vases of bright yellow wildflowers. She meticulously adjusted the white tablecloth and positioned the flower vases in the center.

"I'm not worried about her," Zyma turned to his perfectionist friend, "I'm worried about the safety of hundreds of Balambians with a reckless driver roaming in town. Last time I was in the car with her, she nearly committed a homicide. Whoever gave her a driver's license must be an undead."

Sean and Trepie #23 exchanged knowing glances.

"The undead could be Aki, you know," Sean said, "the old man is also running late, but you don't seem very concerned."

"Right, he mentioned coming early to avoid rush hour," Trepie #23 added while mixing a batter. "Let's hope his eyesight is still good enough for driving."

Sean grabbed his ochre jacket and departed. "Alright, I'll go pick up Raddie."

"See you later! Don't forget to stop by Ma Dincht's for the fish!" Trepie #23 called out.

"Will do! See you all at 7!"

After Sean left, only Zyma and Trepie #23 remained in the kitchen.

"Well, well," Zyma turned to Trepie #23. "I'm done with the carrots. What can I do for you next?"

"Z... Oh my... Ahhhhhh..."

"No!" Irvine screamed as he took control of the airship's handle from Selphie.

"What did I just hit?" Selphie frowned.

They waited for a few seconds. Something had gotten stuck in the engine, but the alarm had gone away.

"Probably a small bird," he said.

"Oh no," Selphie saddened in regret.

"It's alright. That doesn't mean anything," he reassured her. "But let me drive. The Garden Festival meeting is at 5, and dinner's at 7. We have plenty of time. You don't need to fly at breakneck speed," Irvine said.

"But I like..."

"Please! For the safety of all of us!" Irvine raised his voice, then quickly suggested a good source of distraction. "Eh… Why don't you work on the Garden Festival's plan of attack? We'll have Galbadia Garden this time, and they're notoriously hard to please."

The idea seemed to persuade Selphie.

"Alright," she murmured, then took out her notebook from her backpack, letting Irvine take over the airship.

"Oh no!" she suddenly exclaimed, hand on her head.

"What's wrong?"

"I left Instructor Aki's gift in Trabia. We have to go back!" Selphie said.

"Can we give it to him another time?" Irvine asked, "It's not like he'll disappear after today."

"But it's the right occasion, with everyone celebrating his contribution," Selphie insisted.

"We'll be late..."

"I can drive fast," Selphie said.

"No, no, no," Irvine cut her off. "I'll drive. We'll go back to get his gift. But no speeding. Safety first, honey," he said sternly.

Selphie involuntarily smiled. "Irvy, you sound so sexy with authority," she said, approaching the cowboy and wrapping her arms around his neck.

He blushed, trying to focus as he took a U-turn. "Discipline first. I've got to establish my authority in the house."

He squeezed her hand tightly then commanded. "Alright, get back to your seat and tighten the seatbelt, ladies."

Master Miyagi's. Friday 2:30pm.

"Sensei!" Acma knocked on the bamboo door. "We're…"

The door immediately opened even before she finished her words.

"What took you so long?" Zyma yelled.

"Murder," Lina blurted out.

"Lina!" Acma squinted her eyes.

"Oh," Zyma's face changed as he looked at the distorted car. "What happened? Are you two alright?"

"Yeah," Acma said.

"I'm okay," Lina said, "But Acma, didn't you say your back hurt? Maybe some ointment and massage would help..."

Acma's face wrinkled, seeing through her friend's attempt. "No, I'm good now. I don't have enough Gil to afford fake ointment," she darted her look at Zyma.

"Geez… I knew this would happen," Zyma pushed his ointment into Acma's hands. "On the house today. I'm in a festive mood. But it was very brave of you to let this Trabian woman drive. I can see how the White SeeDs got their reputation," he dashed his look to Lina, nodding.

"Thanks," Lina laughed, "that's how I trained my reflexes!"

"Lina!" Acma got more agitated as Zyma giggled harder.

"What you got there?" Zyma quirked his chin, eyes fixed on the box Lina was holding.

"Biscuits."

"What kind?"

"Broken," Lina giggled, and Zyma quickly joined her.

"That's a good one!" Zyma gave a thumb up. "Trabian women's specialty."

"Hey! I'm standing right here!" Acma interrupted them then criticized her mentor. "And what's with Trabian women? You're enforcing a stereotype! Shame on you! There are plenty of Trabian women who drive well."

"And you're not one of them," he scoffed.

"You..."

"Alright, alright," Lina stopped the couple. "Let's come in and prepare dinner. I only have an hour to help before I have to go back for a meeting."

"Oh, what for?" Zyma let them in.

"Garden Festival. Budget. Operations," Lina said.

"Boring..." Zyma blurted out. "I really don't think Garden Festivals have a good return on investment. But anyway... Can you bake?" he asked while looking under the kitchen table and chairs for something.

"I..." Acma started.

"I didn't ask you, I already know the answer!" Zyma cut off Acma immediately, winning a loud scoff from her.

Lina laughed amusingly, then spoke. "A little. How can I help here? And what are you looking for?"

Zyma stood up, smiled mischievously. He handed a bowl of batter to Lina, then signaled Acma to come with him.

"Lie with me in my room, pupil!"

Acma rolled her eyes in shock.

"Excuse me? Lie with... Urgh?" Acma scoffed repeatedly, turning to Lina who couldn't hide her wide grin. "Did you hear that?"

Acma's eyes darkened as Zyma giggled.

"What on earth!" Acma shouted.

"Be more creative, pupil. Think of it as an IQ test," he said, continuing to giggle.

Acma couldn't think out of the box, so Lina took the chance.

"Is there someone in your room?" the White SeeD asked.

"You bet," Zyma continued in his teasing manner. "A beautiful girl on my bed."

"Oh, for Hyne's sake!" Acma exclaimed. "You hired a service woman? On Instructor Aki's retirement party? Unbelievable!"

Zyma grinned and shrugged. "She came here willingly without a charge..."

"Oh, stop!" Acma put her hands over her ears.

"Come!" Zyma commanded, then walked toward his room's direction.

Acma turned to Lina whispering though not quietly, "Well? Do you want to defend him any more?"

Lina's eyes fixed on the batter. "I've known this guy for years. His eyes said it all. He's messing with you. Totally interested in you."

"Oh, for Hyne's sake! He has a service woman in there!" Acma quipped.

Zyma shouted, urging her to follow him. "Come here, pupil! You're missing all the fun!"

Lina giggled harder. "Go! I'm right here if you need me," she said nonchalantly.

"Thanks," Acma said in suspicion. "Like my 100 Thundaga spells would let him lay a hand on me."

Acma reluctantly got into Zyma's room.

"Are you sure you've found it? You're not lying, are you?" A familiar female voice spoke out in his room.

"I've found it. No need to worry. Come on..." Zyma said. "If you don't cook, I can't guarantee the redhead won't poison the whole Garden Committee today."

"Trepie #23!" Acma was surprised to see her suite mate under Zyma's blanket on his bed. "Why are you here?"

Trepie #23 reached out to Acma as if she was her savior. "Ah, Acma! Please tell me it's gone!"

"What is it?" Acma asked, confused.

It was then Zyma recounted the whole story. Trepie #23 saw a mouse in the kitchen, and had hidden in Zyma's room the whole time. Acma's eyes were forcefully shut.

"And you couldn't tell me all that upfront?" Acma snapped at him.

"And miss your wild imagination? No way!" he playfully patted her head and messed up her red braids.

"So," Trepie #23 caught Acma's attention again. "Did you see it dead? With your own eyes?"

Lie with me, huh? Acma recalled Zyma's disgusting words.

"Yes!" she decided to play along regardless, "It's very dead."

"How did it die?" Trepie #23 asked.

"I cut it into two pieces," Zyma casually described.

"With what?" Trepie #23 inquired further.

"With his ninjato!"

"My card!"

Both Acma and Zyma blurted out different answers at the same time, winning a suspicion look from Trepie #23.

"Well," Acma immediately explained. "He threw a card to block the running mouse, then finished it with his ninjato."

"I thought you didn't want to see that bloody thing, so I immediately threw it away," Zyma followed, then quickly fixed his words. "I mean, with proper burial in the backyard, next to Master Miyagi's grave. He'll give it his blessing. No Phoenix Down could bring it back to life."

"Okay…" Trepie #23 reluctantly accepted the dubious explanation. "We'll have more people here. I hope the mice won't come out."

Suddenly, the phone in the living room rang.

"Can someone get it? My hands are dirty." Lina shouted from the kitchen.

"I'll get it!" Zyma said, dashing to the living room. "Must be Xu. No one else can call this place."